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Day 9 Assignments
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Matthew Frendo’s Final Scene!
EXT. ABANDONED CIRCUS – NIGHT
Jocelyn is kneeling behind a old barrel, wrench in one hand, as she watches the Sasquatch run after Alicia.
JOCELYN
Girl’s got balls. Or no brains.
All of a sudden, she notices Kristen is next to her. She practically jumps out of her skull.
JOCELYN
Holy– Are you part fox?
Kristen whispers the entire scene.
KRISTEN
I’m quiet. And you smell like a brewery. Given that it’s been a couple of hours–
She looks Jocelyn up and down with judgment.
JOCELYN
I’ll be sure to thank your precious Lord for that when I see him.
KRISTEN
Don’t bring God into this. He didn’t make you become a drunk.
JOCELYN
And he didn’t make you annoying. Why are you whispering?
KRISTEN
So the monster doesn’t get us. How drunk are you?
JOCELYN
You literally just saw it run past. How stupid are you?
KRISTEN
That’s true. God saved me.
(looking over Juliet)
I highly doubt he will be saving you.
JOCELYN
No God saved you! No one is saving you! You will die here like the rest of us!
KRISTEN
If I do, I’m not afraid because I’ll go to heaven. Unlike some people.
JOCELYN
Then why are you whispering?
Kristen just stays silent.
JOCELYN
Look, this holy roller shit may work on the outside, but not in here. I heard enough of it. As my dad was beating me, when my school expelled me, and when my first boyfriend left me with a baby to abort on my own. I’ve had enough now.
KRISTEN
Abortion is against God’s plan.
JOCELYN
Yeah? Well, I wish my parents had aborted me. How’s that work for you little bullshit religious views?
Jocelyn smirks as she sees something and pulls Kristen’s wristband down to show old cut marks on her wrists.
JOCELYN
And it looks like you did too.
Kristen pulls them back down and gets up.
KRISTEN
Is it too much to ask that someone is kind of friendly in here? Just like everywhere else I go!
Kristen walks off in a huff, kicking the barrel over as she does.
JOCELYN
Why are you whispering still?
Jocelyn looks down as Kristen walks away, feeling bad.
JOCELYN
(quiet)
And you’re not alone.
Jocelyn pulls her own sleeve down and we see fresh cut marks.
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Hey Matthew!
Want to exchange feedback?
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For sure! I actually already did a V2, so do it off of this one please.
EXT. ABANDONED CIRCUS – NIGHT
Jocelyn is kneeling behind a old barrel, wrench in one hand, as she watches the Sasquatch run after Alicia.
JOCELYN
Girl’s got balls. Or no brains.
All of a sudden, she notices Kristen is next to her. She practically jumps out of her skull.
JOCELYN
Holy– Are you part fox?
Kristen whispers the entire scene.
KRISTEN
Do you think she’ll make it?
Jocelyn just looks at where the monster ran, not answering. Then she starts to leave.
JOCELYN
Don’t sneak up on me again.
KRISTEN
I don’t sneak. I’m quiet. And you smell like a brewery. Given that it’s been a couple of hours–
She looks Jocelyn up and down with judgment.
JOCELYN
I’ll be sure to thank your precious Lord for that when I see him.
KRISTEN
Don’t bring God into this. He didn’t make you become a drunk.
JOCELYN
And he didn’t make you annoying. Why are you whispering?
KRISTEN
So the monster doesn’t get us. How drunk are you?
JOCELYN
You literally just saw it run past. How stupid are you?
KRISTEN
That’s true. God saved me.
(looking over Juliet)
I highly doubt he will be saving you if you’re mean to me.
JOCELYN
No God saved you! No one is saving you! You will die here like the rest of us!
KRISTEN
If I do, I’m not afraid because I’ll go to heaven.
JOCELYN
Then why are you whispering?
Kristen doesn’t answer.
JOCELYN
Look, this holy roller shit may work on the outside, but not in here. I heard enough of it. As my dad was beating me, when my school expelled me, and when my first boyfriend left me with a baby to abort on my own. I’ve had enough now.
KRISTEN
Abortion is against God’s plan.
JOCELYN
Yeah? Well, I wish my parents had aborted me. How’s that work for your little bullshit religious views?
Jocelyn smirks as she sees something and pulls Kristen’s wristband down to show old cut marks on her wrists.
JOCELYN
And it looks like you did too.
Kristen pulls them back down and gets up.
KRISTEN
Is it too much to ask that someone is kind of friendly in here? Just like everywhere else I go!
Kristen walks off in a huff, kicking the barrel over as she does.
JOCELYN
Why are you whispering still?
Jocelyn looks down as Kristen walks away, feeling bad.
JOCELYN
(quiet)
And you’re not alone.
Jocelyn pulls her own sleeve down and we see fresh cut marks.
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Hey Matthew!
Here’s what I loved!
I love Kristen’s entrance and her quiet way of being accusatory. Very strong juxtaposition to Jocelyn who’s a lot more direct and loud mouthed. Even if Jocelyn doesn’t say what’s really going on with her, she’s so confident in how she presents herself, that we almost take her word.
As I’ll list in the note below, I love what this scene’s going for. It may be a little coincidental that both girls have tried to take their life in the same way, but it is visually powerful and instantly recognizable. And as I’ll state below, I love how this scene shows us how similar we can be when we get past personal opinions, ideologies, and beliefs.
What I have questions about…
I do wonder if current politics are playing more of a role than the characters. While I think the topics of religion, abortion, and suicide can be major motivators for characters, it’s also really easy to timestamp your script with them. Assuming that current politics aren’t playing a role, however, is there a way make this scene more efficient and revealing in its subtext? The arguments between Jocelyn and Kristen concerning a higher power give us some insight on their background, and how each deal with the topic of imminent death: Kristen holds up GOD as a shield to convince herself that she’s actually safe, while Jocelyn establishes herself as “above the lie” and therefore more powerful, because persuading someone to give up their faith is one of the few remaining feelings of control she has. At an even deeper level, it appears Kristen has struggled to believe in herself for some time, and both she and Jocelyn feign confidence in unique ways while being the same deep down. Because of what’s going on between these two characters, this has the potential to an incredibly powerful, revealing and timeless scene, so long as we don’t linger in the minutiae of religious debate or the controversy of abortion. I think if you can get it down to an easy structure of beginning (introduction), middle (four to six lines of religion vs atheism), and end (both have the same past, but made different choices with how to resolve it), that may get you closer to making this scene shine.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Critique for Matthew Frendo
Hi Matthew,
I like how Kristen enters by sneaking up on Jocelyn. I don’t know if it was intended, but I enjoyed the infusion of humor in some of the dialogue. The repetition of you don’t have to whisper was funny to me. It’s not easy having two characters that are similar, yet different. Their individual voices were clearly heard in their dialogue. I don’t mind the dialogue regarding abortion and God and its timeliness. However, while it was clear that the characters disagree, the underneath subtext was not clear to me. But I find your story interesting and would like to read more.
If you have time, please critique my scene.
Thanks, Lisa
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June Fortunato’s Final Scene- Subtext compilation- day 9
I posted some of this in earlier assignments but revised so I’m reposting, and adding a final bit. Below: Pages 64 to 71.
Misinterpretation Dramatic Irony
Character Name ROY DENT lead Subtext Identity Angry, resentful, unforgiving of past Vietnam War veteran Character Traits Wiseass, quick wit, protective, defensive Subtext ;”Logline Roy mooches off of everyone to avoid being part of the system. His veneer is an easy going guy but underneath- a raging fire. Possible areas of subtext Persuasive, desperation, resentment, terror, charmer.
Character Name KIM KIRBY lead Subtext Identity Upper middle class disenfranchised spirit wounded woman fights to get what she deserves. Character Traits Puts on a show of fearlessness, clever, masks her vulnerability by play acting, deep empathy. Talented performer. Distributes goodies as well as steals. Quick wit. Escape artist. Free spirit. Subtext Logline Kim plays sexy cute but underneath, she’s afraid to trust and will run as soon as anyone gets too close. Possible areas of subtext Fear. Sneaky. Wild. Vulnerable. Retaliatory. Vengence.
BACKGROUND
Leading up to these scenes, Kim has a meltdown, so Roy convinces her to go to Atlantic City to brighten her mood. They do. In AC, Kim and Roy connive their way onto bumper cars for free, and then steal a box of salt water taffy. So when Kim says it’s a stupendous day, she means it. And she sincerely means to make Roy happy with the 1,2,3 song, but it goes terribly wrong.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – BEACH – AFTERNOON – LATER
Roy and Kim watch the waves. They sport a half-empty box of taffy, and finish corn dogs, fries and beer. Roy eases back onto the bench. Relaxed.
KIM This day is stupendous, Roy.
Roy nods.
KIM Good ol’ five finger discounts.
ROY YOU are the PREMO EXPERTO on that, Sugar, Sugar.
KIM I have to be.
ROY I prefer “the mooch” method. But I’m not as “pretty” as I used to be. The babes eyeball me like “here comes granpa…”
KIM I don’t.
Pause.
KIM “To live the mooch life, or not to live the mooch life. That is Roy’s question.”
ROY “To have but three weeks left to stay ‘alive’ – to find an abode and thereby to collect el benefitso”
KIM “Whether or not he’ll survive the hard benches and balcony hideouts, or suffer to do the bidding of the law and thereby take their money but lose his soul.”
Pause. Roy’s astonished. She gets him.
ROY (unsure) They say I can’t live rough anymore… Medically speaking.
KIM Your body or your soul. Catch 22.
Pause. Silence.
KIM My abode was absconded.
ROY We could change that.
Long Pause.
ROY How attached are you to the house?
Kim doesn’t comprehend.
ROY You own the land, too.
No no no. Not up for discussion. Kim leaps up.
KIM They’re setting up a stage over there. Let’s go see it.
Kim hustles to the stage, leaving Roy in the distance.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – STAGE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS
On the beach. Recorded music plays as musicians set up. A banner reads: “Retro 1970s Music Contest.” Roy makes his way to the stage, and Kim already has a mic in her hand. Her laugh fills the air.
KIM One, two, one two. Check one, two.
On mic.
MUSICIAN All right, folks. Are you ready???? Welcome to the Annual Music Contest. This year is, THE 1970s. And here to start things off is our first contestant, Kim Kirby.
KIM I’m here with a new friend and dedicate this song to him. A favorite of mine from the BeeGees. She nods to the musicians. They start up the accompaniment to “How Deep is Your Love” (Uptempo)
KIM I believe in you You know the door to my very soul You’re the light in my deepest, darkest hour You’re my savior when I fall And you may not think, I care for you When you know down inside that I really do And it’s me you need to show How deep is your love? I really mean to learn ‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools Breaking us down when they all should let us be We belong to you and me How deep is your love?!
Roy does a two finger whistle. Kim goes to him.
ROY She’s with me! This one here! Me.
Kim claps happily.
KIM And I’ve got another surprise! Play it!
The band starts up a song from Country Joe and the Fish.
KIM Shout it out if you know it!
She claps along.
KIM & BAND Well, come on all of you, big strong men, Uncle Sam needs your help again. He’s got himself in a terrible jam Way down yonder in Vietnam So put down your books and pick up a gun, We’re gonna have a whole lotta fun.
But the song compounded with the heat, catches Roy off guard and not in a good way.
KIM & BAND And it’s one, two, three, What are we fighting for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn, Next stop is Vietnam; And it’s five, six, seven,
Roy sinks to his butt and stares. Kim stops singing.
BAND Open up the pearly gates, Well there ain’t no time to wonder why, Whoopee! We’re all gonna die.
Roy scrapes his palms in the sand. Over and over.
KIM Roy?
BAND Come on Wall Street, don’t be slow, Why man, this is war au-go-go
Kim waves to the band but they continue.
KIM Stop! Stop the song!
BAND There’s plenty good money to be made By supplying the Army with the tools of it’s trade, But just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb, They drop it on the Viet Cong.
The drums are so LOUD. Roy starts with a low moan and his voice builds to a howl.
ROY Shut it, shut it, shut it.
Roy leaps up and climbs onto the stage.
ROY Shut it, shut it, Shut. It. Shut. It.
BAND And it’s one, two, three, What are we fighting for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn, Next stop is Vietnam.
Roy yanks the mic from one of the musicians. The music abruptly stops and the guys yell.
MUSICIAN Whoa, whoa.
MUSICIAN Yo, back off. Back off!
Roy swings around to thrash at the drum-kit.
ROY You don’t know. You don’t know!
The musicians grab Roy in a bear hug. Roy thrashes.
MUSICIAN Yo! Buddy, stop!
KIM Roy! Roy!
Kim scrambles onto the stage and reaches for his clothes. He fights to get loose. Roy shouts at the top of his lungs.
ROY He just wanted to give them chocolate. How could that girl get- they don’t give a fuck! Nobody gives a fuck! They wired the child. Clumps of flesh – in the trees, the grasses, all over me… my friend… my brother.
The musicians carry Roy off of the stage and Kim follows, shocked.
INT./EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – HOLDING ROOM – LATER AFTERNOON
INTERCUT Kim sits on the floor and leans against a door. Roy is on the other side of the door.
KIM Well THAT was an awesome idea!
No response.
KIM Hey, this is great. I can talk and talk and talk you won’t interrupt me! Cool beans.
Silence.
KIM Roy. That’s why I have to be alone. Because I always make such great choices. (pause) Obviously.
ROY Go away.
KIM I’m stupid.
Silence.
KIM I’m worthless. I’m no good. I’m no good for you.
Roy, on the other side, can’t shake it. Two police officers approach. Kim stands.
KIM (loudly) Officers. Thank you for coming. And so quickly! Very impressive. He left, though.
OFFICER AL He’s not here?
OFFICER BE Open the door.
KIM Our friends are driving him back to Philadelphia.
OFFICER BE Step aside please. We have to check.
KIM Sure, you can check, but he left. It was all my fault. My dumb idea triggered this.
OFFICER AL He hurt anyone?
KIM No. He’s a really good man.
Writing a report.
OFFICER AL What’s his name?
KIM Billy.
OFFICER AL Billy what?
KIM Westmoreland.
Roy starts.
OFFICER AL And the people who drove him?
KIM Our friends? Joe McDonald and Jimmy Dean.
OFFICER BE What kind of car?
KIM Oh, I’m terrible with cars. I think it was a Volvo?
OFFICER BE All right. But we have to verify, so if you’ll step aside, please.
Kim moves. Roy has played his usual trick. The officers enter and find the window open. Kim peeks in. The officers, satisfied that he’s gone, leave. Kim hangs for a moment, taps on the door frame, and also leaves. All quiet, Roy emerges from a closet.
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Hey June!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Hi, sure! June
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Hey June!
Here’s what I loved!
I love the build up between Kim and Roy when the song starts. I think it’s telling how the song affects him, and we get the sense that it unlocks a part of him from his soldiering days that he desperately wanted locked away, like keeping a monster caged inside of him. It’s also awesome how Kim recognizes this, a part of Roy that is visibly different from what she’s seen from him, and wants the song cut off as soon as possible once she sees what Roy’s becoming as a consequence of it.
I love the structure of these pages. We’re clearly coming off a win and enjoying the spoils of victory. Both Roy and Kim get a false sense of security and touch on areas that the other is sensitive to; too sensitive to talk about yet with someone who’s still a stranger. And, as a result of this, each wind up hurting each other, ending the scene at the polar opposite from where it started. Even though Kim may try to help Roy, their relationship has been damaged by her actions.
What I have questions about…
Maybe I’m misreading this line, but when Kim says “This day is stupendous, Roy,” I either have to assume she’s being sarcastic, and is bitter about their current affairs, or she means exactly what she says, which is a death knell to the scene. And, based on the way the scene structure appears to unfold, she literally means what she says. That, or the way I should be reading these lines is that she hates being on the run, living off the streets, and projects that animosity onto Roy who represents that side of her, and intends to emotionally wreck him with a song about Vietnam. She may come to regret it afterwards, but only because she didn’t mean to hurt him “that bad.” Structurally, that could still work, because it’s still a shift in polarity from Negative to More Negative. We may just need more description to help us understand that that’s the perspective we should be reading the scene from; action in the form of blocking or facial expressions. Otherwise, if the previously assumed scene structure of Positive to Negative is correct, than I’d cut that one line and start the scene with “Good ol’ five finger discounts,” which says the exact same thing as a literal interpretation of the line “This day is stupendous, Roy.” That or you could play with Roy and Kim talking about how terrible their day is, how little fun they’re having, how they hate each other’s guts, when we clearly see them having the time of their lives together and not meaning a word of it, because that too would play powerfully on the screen. However, the quoting of HAMLET is fun back and forth banter that’s equally as playful.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Hi Cam,
Thanks so much for the thoughtful (and enthusiastic) review. You’re right. I should’ve set it up better. Leading up to these scenes, Kim has a meltdown, so Roy convinces her to go to Atlantic City to brighten her mood. They do. In AC, Kim and Roy connive their way onto the bumper cars for free, and then steal a box of salt water taffy. So when Kim says it’s a stupendous day, she means it. And she sincerely means to make Roy happy with the 1,2,3 song, but it goes terribly wrong. I’ll make sure I post this stuff above. Happy writing! and thanks again. June
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Hello again June. May we do an exchange?
I am going to go ahead anyway. I read your scene and enjoyed it so here goes.
I completely got the first setup with the characters having a mooch-off day together. As it progressed I was a little unsure of the part where Roy asks Kim about the house. What was he trying to achieve? Was he trying to get her to sell the house and solve his problems? This was the subtext unanswered questions part I am guessing.
As your scene progresses, the singalong to the army song was so unsettling, that I became very anxious myself. Very effective. (OMG what will happen next.)
Very impressed with the final part of your work where Kim covers for Roy. with the police. The question is will he forgive her? I guess that’s what you want the audience to be thinking and engaged with.
In this situation where trust has been breached with a PTSD person, silence is most certainly right on, as a reaction. A retreat to a safer place within.
There were plenty of what-ifs, and what is going to happen moments created by your subtext. Further, I think the content is different artistically and people will enjoy your movie.
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Hi Anna,
Thank you for the thoughtful comments. You’re right- Roy’s comment about the house needs more explanation- it’s a bit tooooo subtle. There are others who ask the same question- will Roy forgive her? So guess that’ll be part of my next scenes. Thanks again! June
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Thank you for doing the exchange. I appreciate your feedback. As always your work is gritty and interesting. Thank you.
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Cameron Martin’s Final Scene!
Sully: “Sully is a reaffirmed father who tries to sell out The Hegemony to save his son.”
Isaiah: Kind of out for the count in this scene. He did just undergo surgery.
Markus: “Markus is a Holy Man who wants to redeem his soul through vengeance against The Hegemony who took it.”
Officer: “Officer is a Hegemony loyalist who covers his damaged faith by double downing on his loyalty.”
NOTE: This is leading up to the final scene/image of the movie. For context, Markus was forced earlier in the script to commit murder, something he swore an oath to never do. In addition, Sully has just performed a bronchoscopy on his own son to extract the alien spore eggs growing inside his lungs, and managed to kill the eggs as they were hatching. This procedure was performed in a medical bay where conscripted exterminators (including Markus and the Hegemony Officer leading them) are trying to get in to kill Sully and Isaiah who weren’t in the bunker. Finally, the character, Jude, who’s referenced is a spy who was found out to be covering up “The Hegemony’s” involvement and knowledge of the dangerous alien life’s potential to explode in population.
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INT. PASSENGER SHIP – MEDICAL BAY
CRASH!
The glass panel explodes into dust and fragments onto the floor…
As a handful of spacemen and a Hegemony OFFICER wearing a mask charge into the room…
Stepping on the scattered pages of Jude’s report and findings that Sully decorated the floor with upon first entering the room.
Meanwhile, the multiple recordings Jude made play like a radio announcer broadcasting the end of the world.
Sully holds Isaiah close, pointing to the floor…
SULLY
YOU DID THIS!
The room is drowning in adrenaline, but for a moment, Sully’s words stop the hostile force.
SULLY
The Hegemony knew! They knew about the worms. They knew they couldn’t contain them. They knew you, you were going to die covering up their lies! Just look at the goddamn floor and see what they took from you!
The conscripted spacemen peer down at the overwhelming evidence – photographs, charts, articles. Connecting the images with Jude’s words haunts every citizen in the room, like an electric charge down the collective spines, including…
The officer, who’s keeping his attention focused on Sully and Isaiah. He’s purposefully avoiding the floor.
OFFICER
(aiming his pistol at Sully and Isaiah)
I don’t believe you.
SULLY
(Desperate)
Yes you do! Please, YOU don’t owe THEM my son’s life.
One of the spacemen takes off his helmet, revealing himself as Markus. Tears well up, blinding him.
OFFICER
(reciting)
Observing the fact that I take this OATH, Fully cognizant of the words I recite…
Markus hears the word “oath” like the gunshot that signaled the loss of his innocence when he broke his oath and shot a man at the Hegemony’s demand…
OFFICER
Faithfully will I uphold the dignity of my Hegemony, Insightful will I be of all of its enemies…
MARKUS
Your oath?
OFFICER
(yelling to drown out the doubt)
Culling their lies and intentions, Engaging them on the field of battle, Ready and willing to fight and die to the last man.
MARKUS
Well, who’re we to stop you from fulfilling your oath.
Markus takes the butt of his blaster, axe blade attached, and swings it…
Right through the officer’s arm.
The pistol FIRES but MISSES Sully and Isaiah.
The officer SCREAMS and PANICS, dropping down to retrieve…
His gun and the hand it’s still attached to is in the Markus’ hands now.
The other spacemen look amongst themselves while pointing their blasters at Markus, unsure of what to do.
MARKUS
(pulling the gun from the limp fingers of the detached hand)
Remember how we were all just passengers? Only a few hours ago?
(looking the spacemen down)
Remember the screams of the children they took from you?
(looking back to the officer)
How necessary…
OFFICER
Please! Understand the position I was in. I didn’t do those things. I-I swore an oath!
MARKUS
So did I.
BLAM! BLAM!
Markus guns down the officer.
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Cameron’s final scene comments by June F
Hi Cameron, Powerful scene!!! Wow. Well done.
1 Good strong motivations for all of your characters. 2. I didn’t read your egg extraction scene but that must be rough! With extreme dramatic potential. 3) The set up for this scene (battle scene, right?) is great. 4) the world, with the recordings broadcasting is excellent. 5) the gun still attached to Markus’ hand WOW.
To address the specific Subtext lessons/mastery:
I’m looking at our lists, but it seems to me that your scene is straight ahead, and that the previous hiding is uncovered, but not happening at this moment. This is the point by point reveal- and I can’t find the subtext. Is it the contrast between the broadcast and the lies/truth papering the floor? If so, perhaps write and interlace the broadcast to add dimension to the reveals. Is it the officer who persists spouting his mantra? If so, perhaps Marcus can recite it, too, while he slices the arm off of the Officer. Sully says, “you don’t owe them my son’s life” How can you twist that? Because the Officer also has a life. Who’s life is valuable and whose is not? If Markus comes to the decision IN THIS SCENE- BEFORE OUR EYES- then he would come in believing the rhetoric and pick up pictures- maybe of his own son. As the scene plays, people say what they mean and what they intend. I still think it’s a powerful scene- cheers.
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Hi Cam, did you get my comments? I don’t see them in the feed… (I posted them yesterday.) Anyway, in case you didn’t, here’re my comments. Congratulations! June
My comments: Cameron’s final scene comments by June F
Hi Cameron, Powerful scene!!! Wow. Well done.
1 Good strong motivations for all of your characters.
2. I didn’t read your egg extraction scene but that must be rough! With extreme dramatic potential.
3) The set up for this scene (battle scene, right?) is great.
4) the world, with the recordings broadcasting is excellent. 5) the gun still
attached to Markus’ hand WOW.
To address the specific Subtext lessons/mastery:
I’m looking at our lists, but it seems to me that your scene is straight ahead, and that the previous hiding is uncovered, but not happening at this moment. This is the point by point reveal- and I can’t find the subtext. Is it the contrast between the broadcast and the lies papering the floor? If so, perhaps write and interlace the broadcast to add dimension to the reveals. Is it the officer who persists spouting his mantra? If so, perhaps Marcus can recite it, too, while he slices the arm off of the Officer. Sully says, “you don’t owe them my son’s life” How can you twist that? Because the Officer also has a life. Who’s life is valuable and whose is not? If Markus comes to the decision IN THIS SCENE- BEFORE OUR EYES- then he would come in believing the rhetoric and pick up pictures- maybe of his own son. As the scene plays, people say what they mean and what they intend. I still think it’s a powerful scene. cheers.
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Hey June!
Sorry for the late reply! I did get your notes and have been letting them marinate. I agree that the situation and structure of the scene is more or less moving forward, and doesn’t try to cover up too much beyond the characters and what they are either accepting or hiding from themselves, as opposed to concealing from each other. Looking at this assignment from a scene structure standpoint, where the scene itself displays subtext by showing something other than what’s actually going on beneath the surface, I may have to consider an earlier point in this story where something like that may occur, and do a rewrite of that scene. I’ll get to working on that tomorrow.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so glad you enjoyed the scene for what it was, even though it didn’t satisfy the terms of the assignment. It’s still really motivating to hear my scenes are accomplishing exactly what they were intended to.
Thanks again!
Cam
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Cameron Martin’s Final Scene! (V.2)
(NOTE: Thanks to June for her wonderful notes. I decided to go with a different scene that should carry a bit more subtext. For the sake of context, a passenger ship on its way to a new colony on another planet was rerouted, and the colonists aboard have been conscripted to fight hostile alien parasites.)
Markus: “Markus is a pacifist priest who fled from Earth to avoid a draft, and wants to lay low and avoid conflict.”
Apollo: “Apollo is a rough-and-tough amelus (born without one of his arms) who’s trying to incite a mutiny to avoid fighting on someone else’s behalf.”
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INT. HANGER
Markus waits his turn in line. A MOTHER and CHILD stand in front of a desk with a SOLDIER behind it. A long 3-D printer runs the length of the desk, with a feeder of materials sitting on the floor next to the desk.
MOTHER
This is a mistake! This is my son!
The soldier refuses to make eye contact with the mother.
SOLDIER
Mam, we’ve been through this. He is not your son.
MOTHER
He is! So what if he’s adopted!?
The child starts to cry.
CHILD
Mamma, what does adopted mean?
SOLDIER
Only biological parents are exempt. Now please report to your post.
MOTHER
He’s my son! I’ve raised him from birth! You have all of the papers!
Two other soldiers come to the line. They pry the child from his mother.
CHILD
Mamma! Mamma!
The mother is dragged away by one soldier, as the other soldier takes the kicking and screaming child.
MOTHER
You can’t do this!
SOLDIER
Next!
Markus, wide eyed, steps forward.
SOLDIER
Name and bunk number?
MARKUS
What’ll happen to them?
SOLDIER
Your name and bunk number, civilian.
MARKUS
Markus Smirnov. Bunk–
SOLDIER
And your bunk number?
MARKUS
Bunk 67A.
The soldier scans his tablet, makes a couple notes.
MARKUS
Excuse me, I’m a holy man.
SOLDIER
Do you have a ‘biological’ child, or are you disabled?
Markus opens his mouth to answer.
SOLDIER
(for the hundredth time…)
Adopted children are a privilege provided by the state, and—
MARKUS
No.
SOLDIER
No what?
MARKUS
No. No kids, and–
SOLDIER
And, you’re obviously not disabled. You’re on exterminator duty.
What looks like a double-barrel shotgun, with an axe blade on the butt of the gun and a handle running the length of the barrel finishes printing from the 3-D printer and slides out toward Markus on a moving shelf.
SOLDIER
This is a short range pulse blaster. You will not refer to it by any other name.
Markus takes the weapon carefully, as though it may actually bite him.
MARKUS
Isn’t this illegal?
SOLDIER
No. Guns are illegal. This is a short range pulse blaster.
MARKUS
I swore an oath. As a priest of—
SOLDIER
(ignoring)
You kill aliens with it. Keep it pointed at the ground at all times. If you see an alien, get up close and make sure you don’t shoot your comrades.
The Soldier waves for Markus to step up to a yellow line. A torn up dummy stands about a yard away.
SOLDIER
Remember to keep it pointed at the ground. From the line to the dummy is how close you want to be before taking aim. Aim down the sights.
Markus aims down the sights of the gun.
SOLDIER
You have one shot. You will not be equipped with more until the moment you’re deployed, Now, fire.
Markus pulls the trigger.
The shotgun kicks back, and a plume of rock and smoke explodes from the dummy.
SOLDIER
Congratulations. You’ve been adequately trained to fight aliens.
A tactical space suit finishes printing on the Soldier’s desk. The Soldier takes out the space suit from the printer and an ear piece from a cardboard box under the desk and hands both to Markus.
SOLDIER
Place the ear piece in now.
Markus obeys.
SOLDIER
Please no sudden moves as the ear piece calibrates.
VOICE (O.S.)
(in the earpiece)
You’re one to follow instructions well.
Markus freezes.
The soldier nods, knowing.
SOLDIER
Please report to section 43-Alpha. Next!
Markus walks away, stunned.
In the background, other conversations are overheard similar to the one Markus just encountered.
VOICE (O.S.)
You would do well to follow these next instructions. You have been given one more shot in your short range pulse blaster. Be on the lookout for mutineers. We will know if you come into contact with one. We will know if you do not uphold your civic duty and retaliate against a revolutionary.
Markus sees Apollo, blaster strapped over his back, in the section he’s shuffling toward.
VOICE (O.S.)
But of course, we expect you to continue to do the right thing.
APOLLO
Markus.
Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.
APOLLO
Over here.
MARKUS
Apollo, I’m glad to see you.
APOLLO
Same.
(whispering)
Listen—
MARKUS
I’ve been meaning to tell you, I had this dream. I know we don’t usually dream in cryo sleep. I don’t know why—Doesn’t matter. You know what happened?
APOLLO
Markus, I don’t talk preacher riddles.
MARKUS
There were two brothers and a king.
APOLLO
Markus, listen—
MARKUS
Just…The king was going to execute both brothers, unless one was willing to…to, um…
APOLLO
Yeah, but that’s not how the fuckin’ story ends, innit?
MARKUS
Excuse me?
Apollo grabs Markus by the shoulder.
APOLLO
Let me tell you something. I like the kind of story where the two brothers cave the fuckin’ king’s head in for his troubles. And if it means the older brother gives his entitled prick of a kid brother the kick in the ass he needs, so be it.
MARKUS
GOD, tell me what to do.
APOLLO
Listen. I’m your fuckin’ prophet, and you’re gonna help me cap these tyrannical bastards before we fight for them.
MARKUS
I swore an oath.
VOICE (O.S.)
You know what to do.
The drone of the room is interrupted by gunshots and screams coming from another section.
APOLLO
(working the gun off his back)
You know what to do, preacher.
Markus catches a glimpse of a soldier holding an earpiece to his ear. The soldier starts walking toward him and Apollo.
Markus pushes Apollo out of the crowd.
APOLLO
The fuck’r you doing?
MARKUS
(forcing the words out of his mouth)
You…You’re a…
Realization washes over Apollo’s face.
Markus tries raising the blaster, which feels like it weighs five times heavier in his hands than when he first received it.
Apollo makes a reach for the blaster…
And tries to rip it out of Markus’ hands.
APOLLO
Let it go, Markus.
MARKUS
(fighting to hold onto the blaster)
You’re a mutineer.
Apollo trips up Markus, sending him to the ground.
APOLLO
(mounting Markus)
What’re you talking about? I was just—
KERPLOW!!
Apollo lands a few feet away with an ugly flop.
Markus leaps to his feet, and upon seeing the body, drops the blaster to the ground. His hands fold into a prayer as his eyes will the gaping, cauterized hole in Apollo’s chest closed, but to no avail. The body that was once Apollo lays still and dead.
The SOLDIER walks up and hands the blaster back to Markus.
SOLDIER
Very good.
Markus accepts the blaster without thinking, his eyes still transfixed on the man he murdered.
-
Hi Cameron,
The opening of the scene with the mother and child painted a grim picture. The loss of rights and not calling a gun, a gun seems relevant. The use of the 3-D printer is cool and also a sign of the times. The story Markus tells about the dream with the two brothers, made me think immediately that Markus and Apollo were brothers too. But then Markus kills Apollo and there wasn’t any acknowledgement of it, so I figured I was wrong. The tension in the scene was palpable through action and dialogue. I felt badly for all the characters. I wondered if the REAL task was to kill mutineers, not aliens. Was that the subtext? An exciting and well-paced scene!
Lisa
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Thanks for the motivating notes, Lisa! I love hearing parts of my script are working as intended. Markus and Apollo aren’t brothers, so maybe the analogy Markus uses isn’t the best fit. I went with a parable that prioritized brevity, as I imagine that’s what Markus would do. BUT, if it leads to confusion or unnecessary questions on the reader’s part, I’ll be sure to rework it or find something better for the scene.
Thanks again!
Cam
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Cameron Martin’s Final Scene (V.3)
(NOTE: Thanks to Lisa and Matthew for their fantastic notes. Once again, I’m going with a different scene to try and satisfy the requirements of this module.)
Sully: “Sully is a reluctant father who’s trying to prevent his son from being the cause of his own death.”
Isaiah: “Isaiah is an Aspie obsessed with knowing more about the aliens who is trying to win his dad’s approval.”
Jude: “Jude is a secret agent involved in the coverup of the Hegemony’s (space government) involvement in the recent alien outbreaks who wants to spend her last hours in a setting that reminds her of her granddaughter.”
———————————
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Isaiah sulks in his corner, pretending to skim through the pages of his notebook.
Meanwhile, Jude directs Sully to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.
JUDE
Thank you for working so hard. I’ll tell you, the Hegemony would be better off if it had nothing but men willing to build their way to heaven.
SULLY
It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.
JUDE
Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.
SULLY
Hence the grandma routine, I take it.
JUDE
You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of rebels with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.
SULLY
Just what kind of a grandmother are you?
JUDE
Your friendly neighborhood variety.
ISAIAH (O.S.)
You have a queen in its metamorphosis?
Jude and Sully look to Isaiah, who’s holding a glass container with a hand slot and what looks to be the head of an alien worm, about twice the size as the ones we’ve seen so far, with fungal shoots spiring out of it.
Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.
ISAIAH
I always hypothesized this life cycle, but I never thought I’d see it!
SULLY
(to Jude)
Family recipe?
JUDE
(to Isaiah)
You’re lucky you remind me of someone. Hand it here young man?
Isaiah gives the heavy tank to Jude, who picks it up like it’s nothing. She’s a lot stronger than she appears.
She takes the tank over to the counter. There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a lighter, before putting her hand through the slot…
And lighting the fungal worm head ablaze.
ISAIAH
No! What’d ya do that for?
SULLY
No more secrets. Just who the hell are you?
Jude takes a deep breath. Oh what the hell.
JUDE
Don’t have much time left anyway I guess. I’m a Hegemony Intelligence Agent. A spy, if you will.
Sully grabs Isaiah and makes a break for his bat.
Jude pulls out her laser pistol and shoots at his feet with the attitude of swatting a fly.
Sully stops in his tracks.
JUDE
I’m sick of watching you cart that poor boy around like you have a say in what happens to him.
Sully, putting the dots together.
SULLY
You’re not here for us.
JUDE
I’ll tell you, my superiors care about you colonists the same way a horse cares about where it shits.
(observing the burning remains of the queen head)
But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, and I’m sure you’ll agree considering your experience, these things are better left forgotten.
SULLY
What do your superiors say? What makes these pests more valuable than my wife, who you and your people…
Sully can’t finish the words. He doesn’t know if it’s fear of the lady in front of him, or fear of facing what he tried to put behind him.
JUDE
I’m sorry. I truly am. I’ve buried my loved ones. But you’re lucky. You may not know it. But you are. Because at least you’ll be with someone you love at the end.
SULLY
Not interested. And I’m getting my son out of this.
JUDE
Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of this.
SULLY
Why’d you work me like a pack mule then?
JUDE
I don’t know.
Jude pulls out a picture of a little girl in her pocket. She starts to tear up at the sight of her.
JUDE
I just wanted it to end something different is all.
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Hi Cameron I am late to this party- just posted mine last night – and am (as always) enjoying reading your writing. I am taking the liberty of responding, please look at mine if you have time.
I like the set up of the scene in full action each with their own agenda. and how Isaiah is the one who suddenly totally shifts the direction of the scene.
You write with an interesting mix of threatening/anxiety-making dialogue/actions with funny almost spoof-like dialogue – not sure how serious it is ’til it is!
The subtext Jude ‘remind me of someone’ and then the payoff is good.
I kinda agree with Matthew.. it felt a bit expository? Also I am not sure about that really fast turn around for Jude at the end- felt a bit from nowhere.
I really like Isaiah as a character. Sort of a truth teller..maybe he chimes in at the end with Jude and Sully too?
and as always so hard to really comment on these scenes as we see them without their context!
I look forward to the next layer!
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Hey Cameron! Good scene for sure! But I don’t see much subtext. Seems more of a reveal scene. Maybe make things uncover a little slower, to add subtext before the reveal?
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Hey Matthew!
Thanks for the feedback! I’m not sure if this is a failure on my part to understand the requirements of the assignment or a difference in style that limits my writing overall. I’ve prioritized Setup/Payoff structure and combining it with fast paced plot points to such a degree, going slow feels like telling the speed metal band DragonForce to pay an Enya track with 100% earnestness in 3/4 time signature. Let me try reworking and adding a scene that doesn’t rely on a reveal, and I’ll continue studying subtext in a way that better aligns with the intent of this module.
Thanks again!
Cam
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DEV ROSS – FINAL SCENE
CLAY CAINE is a failing Grand Dragon of the KKK who desperately wants his power and influence back in order to change the country.
EMMY CAINE is his daughter who desperately wants her father’s love and approval but has fallen in love with a black man and is carrying his baby.
Previous to this scene, Clay’s kicked his daughter out for getting pregnant by a black man. What Emmy doesn’t know is that her father has killed her mother.
What I continue to learn from these subtext exercises is how deep into the layers of character I can go.
INT. CLAY HOME – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Clay enters, sets his gun down, removes his coat when an anguished whimper comes from the darkened room.
CLAY
Who’s there?!
He grabs his gun, aims it into the darkness.
CLAY
Tell me or I blow your head off!
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy…?
Clay feels for the light switch, flicks it on to reveal his wreck of a daughter sitting on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest. She appears as small as she feels.
Clay holds his gun on her.
CLAY
I said you’re no longer welcome in my home!
Emmy puts her hand out as if to ward off a bullet.
EMMY
You also once said that if I made a mistake, God would forgive me!
She abruptly stands.
EMMY
But he didn’t. He saw fit to punish me instead.
She opens the sweater she had wrapped around her.
EMMY
He took my baby, Daddy. So, shoot me if you want. I deserve it.
Caine lowers the gun. Emmy takes this as an opening. A big, fat opportunity.
EMMY
You were right, Daddy, just like you always are.
Clay sets the gun down, For Emmy, her opening just got wider…
EMMY
It never should’ve happened.
From Clay’s point of view, she looks so young, so innocent. He likes young and innocent.
EMMY
I know that now.
Clay nods his head, smiles sadly.
Another opening for Emmy.
EMMY
So, I’ve come home to tell you this, to admit it.
She grabs his hand, kisses it, holds it against his cheek.
EMMY
I love you so much. Do you still love me?
Clay’s heart is breaking.
CLAY
I never stopped.
Almost home free…
EMMY
Is Momma home? She’ll be so happy to see me. She hasn’t been at work. Did she quit?
She heads toward the kitchen.
EMMY
She in the kitchen?
CLAY
No.
EMMY
Then she’s home sick?
CLAY
You went to her work?
EMMY
Well… only… because Momma said I couldn’t come here without your permission.
Approaching, stroking him some more…
EMMY
After all, we both know you’re the boss, and… well, if Momma’s sick,
I can take care of her.
CLAY
She’s not here.
EMMY
When will she be back?
CLAY
She didn’t believe in me.
EMMY
Oh… So, are you two taking some time away?
No answer.
EMMY
Until she comes back, I can take care of you, Daddy, and you and me can spend some real quality time together.
No answer.
EMMY
Please don’t say ‘no,’ Daddy! I can cook and clean and I’ll get a job to help out!
CLAY
No.
EMMY
Why? There’s not going to be a half-breed child they can trace back to you!
Clay erupts.
CLAY
Because, foolish girl, you’re infected now! Contaminated! Your womb defiled!
He grabs her wrist, pulls her toward the door.
CLAY
I can’t and I won’t have anything to do with you!
EMMY
But you can’t just throw me away, Daddy, I’m your daughter! I made a mistake, and now I’m willing to do whatever you say!
Clay tosses her out the door hard. She stumbles and tries to get back in.
EMMY
Daddy! Please!
SLAM! He shuts the door in her face.
POUNDING on the door.
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy!
It stops abruptly. A moment of silence then…
EMMY (O.S.)
You hateful bigot! I hate you! Hate you!
EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – ON DOOR – CONTINUOUS
Defiant, Emmy stands at the door.
EMMY
Times are changing, old man! You’re done! Done! You hear me?!
INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – FOYER – CONTINUOUS
Clay heads away from the door just as her POUNDING, and now her pleading, continues…
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy! Daddy!
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Critique for Dev Ross
Hi Dev,
Your scene is powerful. I could feel the tension between the characters. I thought Emma was going to kill Clay…waiting in the dark to bounce. But she did something unexpected and reverted back to a little girl. Which was unsettling, but I wasn’t sure if it was an act or not until she was outside, then I knew it was her subtext in the scene. Keep up the great work!
Please review my scene if you have time.
Thanks! Lisa
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Hey Dev!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Hey Dev!
Here’s what I loved!
This is a clearly powerful scene, both in its execution as well as it’s intent within the greater structure of your script, as an affirmation that the Clay we started with has taken a turn that he can’t come back from. He’s metamorphosing into a force of nature by cutting ties with the people who would’ve loved him unconditionally, and it serves as warning that power comes at a grave cost.
Emmy’s desperation combined with Clay’s cold demeanor is why this scene works so well. It’s an onscreen dichotomy for both actors to portray and it’s clear where the mindsets and stakes are between both characters. Emmy is willing to say and do anything to have her mother and father back (maybe more so her mother from the way the dialogue reads), while Clay is still processing the actions he’s taken and the road he’s on. He’s almost beyond redemption, but here is his daughter, one last ledge to grip onto before falling, and he rejects her in favor of power for power’s sake.
I also enjoyed the buildup through the action text. It’s simple, short, but adds a weight and expectation to each follow up. Efficient writing.
What I have questions about…
As far as subtext goes, I don’t really have a whole lot of questions pertaining to this scene. I think you wrote exactly what you intended to, and pulled it off effectively. What I am curious about is whether Clay’s decent into darkness will be too difficult to read. That’s not necessarily a bad thing or a critique. I look at the movie NIGHTCRAWLER and what an antihero such as Lou is able to communicate to an audience that your average hero can’t. Protagonists in this camp serve less as something for us to aspire to, and more as a reflection of who we can be if we allow our ambitions to succeed our love and empathy for others. I think Clay’s line “She didn’t believe in me” hits it home and ensures we as the reader know the reason why. It’s a universal fear that we’re not believed it or worthy of love, and that one line grounds Clay’s actions and holds up a mirror to us to observe what can happen to us if we allow our pride to overtake our humility and compassion.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Hi Dev, wow scene. The shape of the scene is excellent- first, the pathetic pleas, then the reveal, the suck up, mom, and Clay’s snap, and finally, Emmy’s rant and turn back again to pleading. Beautiful and extremely well done!
As to subtext, the part that makes this scene work is of course, the hidden info (to Emmy) that Mom is dead, which immediately sets up two different ideas of reality. Fabulous.
To go down our list I find these things in your scene: Hiding something, Afraid to say, lying, luring, dramatic irony.
The beginning is very strong: the sad pleas from Emmy from the dark- an excellent situation. I don’t know if I can add much here except maybe a couple of questions:
What is Emmy hiding? Is she homeless? Did her friends desert her? Is she still with her boyfriend? How much is she laying on the suck up to get her way back?
Perhaps if she’s roaming around searching for Mom, calling out for Mom- more assertive as if she’s back- that might push Clay’s buttons- If she’s roaming the house, is there evidence of Clay’s killing? Would she spot it?
Ultimately, I think that the scene can be even stronger with editing but it’s excellent, and congratulations!
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DAY 9 Subtext in Your Scripts!
Lisa’s Final Scene!
What I learned is that subtext is a vital part of creating an exciting story.
CHARACTER SUBTEXT LOGLINES
Character Name: MARY WINTERS
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subtext Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success while not letting on that she wants her ex-husband back.
Character Name: PETER WINTERS
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subtext Logline: Peter doesn’t let on that he made the biggest mistake of his life divorcing Mary and thinks kidnapping Santa is the best of two wrongs…getting Santa to help him vs losing everything!
Character Name: JOSEPH BISHOP
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subtext Logline: Joseph is persistent when he wants something in business or in his personal life and Mary gives him a real challenge, but is his relentless happy disposition for real?
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SCENE<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>: From “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”
INT-HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM-NIGHT
It is the annual Bedford Falls Dance Contest! The gym is decked out in It’s a Wonderful Life 1945’s style. The band is playing 1940’s music. The place is hopping with all ages where townies are mingling with out-of-towners. MARY WINTERS is there with her boyfriend, JOSEPH BISHOP. VIOLET MILLS (Mary’s sister) is by herself so she can play the field. TILLY MILLS (Mary’s other sister) came with her boyfriend PETER WINTERS (Mary’s ex). They are all dressed in 1940’s costumes. Punch and cookies are being served.
HARRY MILLS (Mary’s father) enters the gym with not one, but two young ladies on his arm. KIM DAVIS is a 26-year-old disheveled schoolteacher and MARGE MARTIN is an older looking 28-year-old barmaid at Martini’s Bar. Both are younger than his daughters…and his daughters know both of them!
Mary, Joseph, Violet, and Peter are all standing on the edge of the dance floor watching couples dancing. Mary sees her father.
MARY
Oh my God!
Mary embarrassed, turns, and puts her head into Joseph’s chest. Joseph pats her on the back.
TILLY
Wow.
Peter heartily laughs.
VIOLET
You go Dad!
MARY
Shut up, Violet! Stop encouraging him!
TILLY
That is embarrassing. But please don’t make a scene Mary.
MARY
Our mother has only been dead 3 months and he’s acting like a horny, pimple faced boy!
TILLY
Don’t make it worse.
VIOLET
Well, I think it’s great that he’s sowing his oats.
MARY
(getting in Violet’s face) You would say that! You’re just like him!
Joseph grabs Mary’s arm.
JOSEPH
Mary. Maybe Tilly’s right. We don’t want to make a scene.
MARY
A scene! Look at him making a scene!
In the meantime, Harry, Kim, and Marge have gone over to the punch table and are drinking punch.
Mary marches over with Joseph in tow who is still holding her arm. Tilly and Violet scoot along after Joseph.
MARY
Dad! Can I speak to you over there! (pointing to a line of empty chairs)
HARRY
(calmly) Good evening girls. Joe. You remember Kim and Marge.
JOSEPH
Hi Harry. Yes, of course. Hello Kim, Marge.
Violet leans over and kisses Harry’s cheek.
VIOLET
Hi Daddy. Ladies.
TILLY
Dad. Can we talk to you?
Harry turns to his dates.
HARRY
Pardon me, ladies. Someone’s hair seems to be on fire. I shall return.
Mary hurries over to where no one is sitting. Harry, Violet, and Tilly follow. Joseph stays behind and talks to Kim and Marge.
KIM
(to Joseph) Who’s hair is on fire!
JOSEPH
It’s just an expression Kim.
Kim looks puzzled.
MARY
Dad what are you doing?
HARRY
Well, I thought I was attending my daughter’s festival event.
MARY
You know damn well what I’m talking about.
Harry looks at Violet and Tilly and shrugs. Mary sighs angrily.
TILLY
Dad. Why did you bring Kim and Marge with you?
HARRY
I’m deciding which one I like.
MARY
Oh, for God’s sake!
VIOLET
(gleefully) It’s okay with me, Daddy. You be you.
TILLY
You do know that they are younger than us.
HARRY
Well, I can see how that might make you concerned, but I promise not to love ‘em and leave ‘em.
Mary is beside herself.
MARY
Dad, it is sad and gross.
VIOLET
Mary! It’s none of your business.
Mary gets in Violet’s face.
MARY
Violet, I get that you think it’s funny that I’m upset. True to your colors. But I will not have my dad running around town with two children. You know that mom is turning over in her grave!
VIOLET
Always so dramatic. True to your colors.
TILLY
Okay. Dad, please have a good time tonight. But take it easy. Be nice and… appropriate with the young ladies.
HARRY
Always a gentleman, dear.
Harry bows.
HARRY
Now if you’re done admonishing me, I need to get back to my dates.
Harry saunters back to where Kim and Marge are talking to Joseph. Mary has gotten quiet.
TILLY
Mary. Are you okay?
MARY
(sadly) Did you notice he’s not wearing his wedding ring?
Mary walks away.
TILLY
I hadn’t noticed. I suppose everyone is different on how long they grieve.
VIOLET
I hadn’t noticed either. But he has to move on. Life is short.
TILLY
(picking up her head) Hey. Let’s not worry about dad for the rest of the night.
VIOLET
Deal.
Tilly and Violet shake hands.
VIOLET
Let’s dance!
Violet dances off. Tilly laughs and goes to watch the kids in a special kid’s area. Violet has danced over to Joseph.
VIOLET
(standing close) A birdy told me that you are a real dancer. How’d you like to team up with me and win this thing?
JOSEPH
A birdy told me you are a real dancer too. You know I specialize in winning.
Joseph looks around but doesn’t see Mary.
JOSEPH (CONTINUED)
Yes, okay. I’m sure Mary wouldn’t mind.
VIOLET
Come on, let’s put in our names.
Violet pulls Joseph by his arm across the room to the dance contest sign up table.
Peter is standing around the kids’ area because Tilly is the kid wrangler for the evening.
TILLY
Peter, why don’t you go have fun. You look weird hanging around here.
PETER
Okay.
TILLY
(smiling) And stay out of trouble.
Peter nods and walks over to the stage area waiting for the dance contest to begin.
The dance couples are lining up on one side of the dance floor. Mary comes over to Peter.
MARY
Have you seen Joe?
PETER
He’s over there with Violet.
MARY
Oh my God! They have matching numbers on! He’s going to dance with her!
PETER
Yeah, I thought that was strange. You didn’t give your blessing?
MARY
I had no idea.
PETER
(pause) Hey. I have an idea. If they’re going to dance together, why don’t you and I dance together.
Mary starts to protest.
PETER (CONTINUED)
Now hear me out….you can show Joe that it takes two to tango. You dance with me, and he’ll see us together.
MARY
Well, he’s clearly made his choice for a partner.
PETER
Come on, for old times’ sake. We could both use some fun.
MARY
You’re not wrong there. (pause as she stares at Joe) Okay, what the hell. Come on let’s show them.
Mary and Joseph run over to the sign-up table. Joseph and Violet see them signing up.
Joseph goes over to Mary.
JOSEPH
Hey, Mar. What are you doing?
MARY
Since you and Violet are entering the contest together, Peter and I are entering together.
JOSEPH
I told Violet that you wouldn’t mind.
MARY
Oh, I don’t mind. (looking up at him) Peter’s a fantastic dancer.
Mary and Peter line up with the others as they put on their numbers. Joseph goes back to Violet.
VIOLET
She’ll be happy for you when we win.
JOSEPH
We better win then.
The Principal, MR. GRANVILLE, an oddly tall man of 63, comes out on the stage where the band is playing and blows a whistle.
MR. GRANVILLE
Thanks everyone for coming to the annual It’s a Wonderful Life Bedford Falls Dance Contest! Thank you to all of the volunteers that helped to put this together and a special thank you to Mary Winters for her planning and execution of this fabulous night!
A spotlight shines on Mary. Everyone claps. Mary waves and curtseys.
MR. GRANVILLE (CONTINUED)
The prize for winning the contest is a genuine loving cup. Couples, those not tapped on the shoulder remain on the floor…and keep on dancing!
The band starts playing Swing music. The couples move onto the dance floor and start swinging. Mary & Peter and Joseph & Violet are all performing perfectly.
The band starts playing Lindy Hop music. The judges start coming around and tapping shoulders. Mary, Peter, Joseph, and Violet survive the cut. The band changes to Jitterbug music.
Mary & Peter are starting to tire. Joseph and Violet are hopping strong. The band plays Charleston music. Ah! Mary and Peter are tapped out along with several other couples.
Mary & Peter stand on the edge of the dance floor, disappointed. Watching Joseph and Violet…
MARY
(breathing heavily) What?!
PETER
(breathing heavily) Do you see that? They’re incredible.
MARY
Joe said he could dance, but I had no idea!
PETER
We knew Violet could dance, but wow.
MARY
And I thought we were going to take it. Dagnabit!
PETER
Like old times.
MARY
Things have changed.
PETER
I wish there were a swimming pool under this floor!
Mary laughs. They stare at Joseph and Violet still dancing. It’s down to the final two couples.
MARY
You know in the movie, George and Mary started their romance at the dance.
Peter surprised, snaps his head towards Mary.
PETER
What do you mean?
MARY
Oh, I don’t know.
Mary sheepishly backs away toward the punch table for a drink. Peter follows.
PETER
(sings on one note, like George in IAWL) What did you mean by that?
MARY
(pouring some punch) I’ve kept Joseph waiting. He may find someone else.
Mary hands Peter a glass of punch and pours herself a glass.
PETER
Are you going to throw a rock and make a wish?
Peter drinks.
MARY
(chuckling) I’ve thrown a lot of rocks, but they haven’t landed where I thought they would.
Mary drinks.
PETER
Rocks break. Maybe you need to throw something softer.
Mary throws Peter a look.
MARY
Why Peter Winters, you are flirting with me.
Just then Joseph and Violet are crowned the winners of the dance contest. They go up on stage, get their trophy and take a bow.
PETER
(sarcastically) Well, looks like your boyfriend is a winner once again.
MARY
(also, sarcastically) He can’t help it if he’s good at everything.
Joseph and Violet come jogging over.
VIOLET
Can you believe it, we won!
JOSEPH
We didn’t even practice. (to Violet) You’re a wonderful dancer!
VIOLET
(batting her eyes) You ain’t bad yourself, Mr. Bishop.
MARY
(deadpan) Congratulations.
PETER
Yeah, that was unbelievable.
VIOLET
I need something to drink.
Violet pushes Mary aside and heads for the punch.
JOSEPH
I’m parched too…from winning!!
Joseph trots after Violet waving the trophy. Peter and Mary just stand in silence.
PETER
(hands in pockets) I think I’ll see what Tilly is up to.
MARY
See ya around, partner.
Mary realizes that sounds like they’re together!
MARY (CONTINUED)
I mean…dance partner.
Peter winks at her and heads across the gym floor toward the kid’s area. Mary watches him go.
MARY
(to herself) Partner.
CUT TO EXT-GYMNASIUM-NIGHT
The dance is over. Mary and Peter are outside on the steps to the gym.
MARY
Thank you, Mr. Winters. I had a good time tonight. Despite the drama.
PETER
You’re welcome, Ms. Winters. Or are you going by Mills these days?
MARY
I’m still using Winters.
PETER
I suppose it’ll be Bishop soon.
Mary shrugs. They stare at each other for a beat. Violet and Joseph interrupt them by coming out the gym doors.
VIOLET
What a night! (flippantly) Mary, you actually pulled it off.
Violet turns to Joseph.
VIOLET (CONTINUED)
Oh! I had a magical night with you Joseph!
Violet throws her arms around Joseph. Joseph hugs her back much to Mary’s dismay. Mary steps up and pulls them apart.
MARY
Okay. That’s enough. (to Joseph) Let’s go.
JOSEPH
(looking over his shoulder) See you around.
Mary and Joseph head for the parking lot.
PETER
You’re a piece of work. Making Mary jealous like that.
VIOLET
I don’t know what you’re talking about, EX-husband. Good night.
PETER
Good night.
Violet goes to her car in the parking lot.
Mr. Granville opens the gym door for Tilly as she exits.
MR. GRANVILLE
Thanks again for taking care of the children tonight.
TILLY
My pleasure. Good night, Mr. Granville.
MR. GRANVILLE
Good night.
Mr. Granville goes back inside.
TILLY
Well, I told you to stay out of trouble.
PETER
You know trouble always finds me.
TILLY
I hope you had a good time then.
PETER
It was a diversion for a minute.
TILLY
Let’s go home.
Tilly and Peter go to their car in the parking lot and drive off.
END SCENE
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Lisa Paris Long.
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Hey Lisa!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Hi Cameron,
Sure, I welcome your feedback. I will critique yours now.
Thanks!
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Hey Lisa!
What I loved!
There are some genuinely great moments in this. The allusion to the plot points of IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE as subtext for where Peter and Mary are now in their relationship works so well. It’s not overplayed to the point where the audience is groaning, “We get it. It’s the same city,” but the characters are self-aware enough for it to make sense and be fun and playful. It’d be all too easy to lean into meta-storytelling, but you avoid that trap with grace, fulfilling the concept’s promise, while keeping the story focused on what matters to the narrative between these two people.
I think the dialogue feels natural and unique for each character. I kind of got lost keeping track of who Tilly was in comparison to her sisters, Mary (obviously the oldest sister with all the sense of responsibility) and Violet (I’m assuming the youngest sister for her tendency to stir the pot or find trouble), but maybe that’s to be expected of the middle child. She feels like someone who’s trying to bridge the gap between everyone, a perennial peacemaker. If that’s the case, I enjoyed the dynamic between everyone, and the natural conflicts that arose between each character, with Tilly caught in the middle, just trying her best to make everyone happy. It’s an incredibly relatable picture of a family during the holiday season, and that empathy, combined with the subtext is ripe for audience engagement.
What I have questions about…
While Harry bringing two dates to the dance injects a ton of conflict and potential for subtext into the scene…damn, only three months since his wife died? Maybe it’s just me and where I grew up, but boy did I hate Harry’s guts after hearing that and assume the worst of him after every line of dialogue seemed to indicate he’d completely moved on from his deceased wife. I’m not sure if that was your intent, and I’m curious to know if there’s a future scene with Harry where more of this is explored and connects to the story’s themes. I remember when my grandfather on my mom’s side remarried fairly quickly, but most of it was due to his intense anxiety of being alone for the first time since he was 20 years old. It could be a powerful reversal to see he’s actually faking this as a way to hide his pain of loss, even from himself. I’m sorry if that’s not what your going for, and this has been an otherwise useless tangent on my part. I just felt when reading this that Mary is so justified in her feelings that we risked the audience’s engagement and having them ask what they would do or think in a similar situation. Again though, maybe where I grew up and my own experiences are putting up blinders to what’s been your experience.
Similarly, Mary being okay with her ex husband dating her sister felt like watching an episode of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, where periodically a character will accurately tell Ted and Robin that it’s weird for them to have dated and still be close friends, or for them to be so comfortable to see their respective ex with another partner (it comes up often and Ted and Robin just shrug it off somehow). But unlike in a HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER episode, nobody brings it up! It’s like it’s perfectly normal to date your ex wife’s sister, and for your ex to have no complaints about it. I could buy Tilly not wanting Peter to feel left out or lonely, and therefore going with him to the dance for emotional support. I could see Mary being somewhat comfortable with that on account that she and her ex husband are still on speaking terms and have a good relationship, in spite of their history. But that description “boyfriend” leads me to believe Mary is required to be the most complicated character in this script where she can seem complacent with her ex dating her sister but unaccepting of her father dating women younger than she is. And if that’s the case, then you have an intriguing character study on your hands. The only issue with that is we have Santa Claus in the story, and I’m not sure how the Hallmark Channel magic balances with the grit and deconstruction of an emotionally complex character. Combining two differing genres can work (Romance+Horror=WARM BODIES). LADY BIRD combined with ELF could work as well here, depending on what the story prioritizes as its selling point. Again, I apologize for the tangent if this isn’t your intent. You have some great dialogue and a fantastic set piece to center our attention on each character’s relationships with each other. It really is just a couple of descriptions that lead me to ask a bunch of questions to know what else could be happening under the surface. If all of those questions are answered in a satisfying way, it’ll make this script soar with people wanting to read it and reread it over and over again because you’ll discover something new with each subsequent read.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Hi Cam,
I welcome your thoughtful critique and thank you for the kind words about the scene. I based my Harry character on my father who after my mom died, my sisters and I found out was a bit of a scallywag. Complete surprise! I took it to the extreme with the two young ladies and maybe I’ll make the mom’s death farther in the past to make it more realistic and not alienate the “Hallmark” type audience. I’m going for a dramedy…to merge some of the “It’s a Wonderful Life” small town nostalgia and pain with the light-hearted Christmas story. I am far from meeting my goal thus far…but I’ll keep working on it.
Your critiques are helping me along and I so appreciate it!
Thank you,
Lisa
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Hi Lisa, I am late to this party (been away). I am always interested to see where you are headed with this!
I hope that you will give me some feedback and are ok with me jumping in here.
Love the 3 sisters as characters each with their own agenda and style. That shows up well in their dialogue and each of them with the ‘different meanings’ to the dad turning up with 2 young women.
For a single scene it is very long.. so was easy to get a bit confused and I had to go back and re-read bits.
There was some good subtext with the flirting with Peter and Mary but I felt the rest was a bit ‘on the nose’ as they say.
there might be a way to do the scene of the girls with their Dad using more of those subtext options… That could work because they are in a public place and there are people around? sort of saving face/hiding the family argument from the crowd,
and then an explosion at the end?
Just my 2 cents!
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Hi Kate,
Thanks so much for the feedback! I like your comment about using more subtext instead of being on the nose…it will work well in this scene when I redo it. I merged 3 scenes together and it’s too long, so I’ll separate out the last part. I have more work to do…thanks again!
Lisa
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Hey Lisa!
I liked your scene! It’s very well written and engaging.
I see Cam covered most of my notes, so I won’t bother going over them again here.
The only thing I would suggest that he didn’t mention is that I think the scene could be tightened, with subtext and conflict amplified. In other words, I think you can pare down the non-subtext dialogue and use furtive glances and subtextual dialogue to make the conflict more gripping. Otherwise, it’s wonderful!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
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Anna Harper’s Final Scene, Subtext in Script Day 9
Work up from Old Buffalo Hospital FINAL REVISED VERSION
What I learned from this assignment; I experienced this assignment as complex, and positive in that it created a darker side to the story. It was useful for me to go into the assignment with the intent to create darker options for one of the characters and make the script more interesting.
Subtext design for scene elements; Something is off, a plot against another person, competitive agendas.
Main Characters
SARAH WARWICK
SLU conspiring, undercover, sensual, fish out of water. These are the facets that emerge to inform this scene
Sarah is the new mental health worker in a Yukon bush hospital. She is completely out of her urban life element and is trying to fit in.
SITUATION
Today, a group of local people are attempting to get hard evidence to convict a drug-dealing doctor. Sarah has been asked to participate She has fearfully agreed to obtain documents from the doctor’s office while he is on his way to the city.
Sarah has made some friends including Cody Jack a local native life skills coach. He has had an agenda of winning Sarah for himself from the moment he first met her.
Sarah has also struck up a friendship with Dr. Paul Murphy. Sarah is mostly interested in Paul, Cody not as much, though she is enjoying Cody’s interest and is not above flirting with him.
Last night Sarah and her friends attended a sweat ceremony in order to strengthen their courage to deal with what is to come today, a dangerous mission,
Sarah went to the sweat to recover from the trials of her first traumatic days at the hospital and the 1,000-kilometer ride she embarked on with her young son to get to the wilds of the Yukon bush.
ROSE
SLU Rose hides who she really is. Rose is a spy, suspicious, and a competitor. She is vengeful, deceitful, and secretive. She is hiding something.
Rose is the hospital cook and the local medicine woman. She lead the sweat lodge ceremony last night. She has been highly dubious of Sarah’s ability to cope. Rose was surprised when Sarah managed to survive the long and difficult sweat lodge ceremony.
Rose’s marriage is troubled. She is in love with Cody. Rose observed Cody and Sarah playing and splashing in the lake after the sweat ceremony. They were kissing and it infuriated her.
BONNIE
SLU Bonnie is conspiring, hiding something, polite.,
Bonnie is Sarah’s admin assistant. Bonnie likes Sarah and thinks she is doing well considering. Bonnie believes Sarah is genuine if naive. She tested Sarah’s commitment by asking her to be the one to investigate Dr. Suleman’s office for evidence.
SCENE
INT.BONNIE’S OFFICE/DAY
BONNIE
So you are all recovered from last night then? Feeling any better? Are you ready for today?
SARAH
Yeah, better thanks. It was amazing and much more than I could have imagined.
ROSE
Well, I don’t know what you were expecting. It’s just what we do around here. Though, not too bad for a city person, and not from our culture.
BONNIE
I just got a text from Manyrivers, Suleman has been spotted on the road towards the City. Time to go. I have to deliver these documents over to the clinic. Be safe Sarah.
ROSE
No worries, I am stocking the coffee area. I can help; act as a lookout for you Sarah. Just get the documents and whatever else you can find from Suleman’s office.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY/DAY
Bonnie leaves for the clinic. Rose walks over to the coffee supplies cupboard, visible in the hallway, then waves Sarah on in the direction of Suleman’s office.
ROSE
Muttering under her breath, with a vengeful intonation.
You are so done Sarah. Now just got to get my husband out of the way.
Sarah enters the doctor’s office warily.
INT.HOSPITAL HALLWAY/DAY
Rose looks towards the Suleman’s office door, waits for Sarah to close it, then Rose hurriedly leaves the area.
INT.WOMENS’ WASHROOM/DAY
Rose uses her cell phone.
ROSE
Speaking fast.
Sarah is in your office.
Rose ends call and quickly exits the washroom.
INT.DOCTOR’S CLINIC/DAY
Bonnie gets another message on her cell. It’s Corporal Manyrivers CUT TO
OTS
The message reads; abort office recon. New information. Suleman is on his way back to the hospital. We are waiting for him at his house, his second stop.
ETA 5 minutes hospital 10 minutes his house. get Sarah out of there now.
BONNIE
Oh my God, he”ll kill her!
Bonnie calls him on her cell phone. Phone rings, no answer. Bonnie runs back to the hospital. DISSOLVE TO
INT.DR.SULEMAN’S OFFICE /DAY
Sarah is frantically going through the desk drawers, not finding anything. As she steps back she notices a briefcase under the desk and pulls it out, and opens it up.
SARAH
Gotcha, you murderous bastard!
The door bangs open, Suleman enters, lunges toward Sarah, and attempts to get the briefcase. Noises of struggle, yelling, screaming. Sarah grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and smashes Suleman with it. Suleman is enraged and corners Sarah grabbing the briefcase off her and slapping her hard, Sarah screams and falls to the floor knocking her head on the desk. Suleman flees. She blacks out briefly comes round and uses her phone. Calls Manyrivers.
SARAH
Suleman has a briefcase with the evidence in it. He just left the hospital.
PAUL
Paul comes running into the office.
I heard screams, something went wrong? What the hell happened? Are you O.K?
SARAH
Suleman caught me with the evidence we needed. I called Manyrivers. They are ready for him.
PAUL
I’ll catch him before he gets any further.
BONNIE
Bonnie runs into the office.
BONNIE. I know he has a gun in his car, be careful.
ROSE
Rose enters the office.
ROSE
So sorry Sarah, I just left for a minute to go to the kitchen. Are you O.K.?
SARAH
Looks directly at Rose. Says nothing. DISSOLVE TO
END SCENE
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by anna harper.
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Hi Anna! There are so many cool things about your story, especially the setting and culture. it’s fun to explore this place no one else writes- it makes it unique.
The scene sets up subtext well. Rose’s ulterior motives are clear. And here’s how I think you hit all of the lessons: Plot: scheme and investigation. Characters: luring and lying, plotting and hiding, character traits: secretive, vengeful, deceitful, Scene design: a plot against another person.
I think that you can take more time to unspool this scene. By that I mean, add short exchanges to build the plot. Maybe a confidential, hush hush, convo between Bonnie and Sarah, intercepted by Rose who “offers to help.” Rose could set up the buddy stuff with a backwards ‘compliment’ about how Sarah did at the sweat lodge. ” for a weak city person” – to her face- not telling us but showing us.
Perhaps instead of the voice over, “she’s so done” Rose could call Suleman and tell him that he’s needed immediately, so he heads back. If Rose is really vicious, she could tell Suleman when he arrives that Sarah is in his office, and Rose doesn’t know why and tried to stop her.
The battle scene with the briefcase: if Sarah gets the briefcase open and Suleman thinks she grabbed something the scene would play differently and be more complex. Suleman, with a lot at stake, his license, for one, could take a more underhanded approach. I’m not sure if he knows that Sarah is an investigator. She’s a mental health worker, so she should have an answer as to why she’s looking for records- her patients, for example- and he could get her in trouble for breaking HIPAA rules. I’m not sure where this scene falls in your script. Maybe it’s at the end? so everything is disclosed already?
Feel free to discard any of the comments I’ve made that don’t resonate! I look forward to reading more of your neat culture. Cheers, June
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Good morning June, I have taken several of your suggestions and revised the work. Thank you.
As you surmised it is heading for the final act. Though there is a fun montage towards the end. There is another betrayer who was revealed earlier in the script. I am almost done with this one and will soon be marketing it. If you have a linked-in page we can do that, if you like. The more professionals we have in our network the better. I detest social media and am struggling with it. Transitioning from my previous life to being a writer. How are you doing with your marketing?
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Hi Anna, We can link on this site under members. I still have 40 pages to go and am nowhere near marketing it- as I know that when I send it out, I want it to be as good as I can possibly make it. But I’m impressed that you’re so close to the finish line. Good good wishes for you. I think your setting will be a huge advantage. June
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
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Critique for Anna Harper
Hi Anna,
I am fascinated by the location of your story. This scene has layers. I felt that each character was in some way working against Sarah. The subtext was most visible with Bonnie and her set up of Sarah. Sarah’s silence at the end tells us that she realizes what’s just happened with Bonnie. Can’t wait to read more of your script!
Please critique my scene if you have time.
Thank you,
Lisa
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Hello Lisa,
Wow-what a scene. Anyone who has been through a divorce can identify with the extensive subtext/undertones of this scene’s dynamics. I am not from the US (UK/Canada) and am unfamiliar with the cultural tropes of Wonderful Life. I will make a note to watch over the weekend. The dance is excellent as the environment to play out the subtexts in the relationship as it evokes emotions universally, those days of the school dance. This draws us in.
The only part that I wondered about was when Violet pushes her way through at the punch table and then again, the physicality of Violet and Joseph being pulled apart. Jealous women can do so much dramatically, in a more subtle yet dangerous way. Having done it myself on occasion! A firm tap on the shoulder and the menacing smile of a snake, exiting the scene, that sort of thing.
While the sensuous environment of the dance event lends itself to this very relatable drama, maybe it also has the power to feel safe, so the physical aspects are not bordering on catfights, pulling of the hair, or rolling on the ground unless that is what is intended and which of course could be very entertaining. Though this would be out of character for super Mom Mary. Unless Violet gave her the first slap.
I thought all aspects of the dialogue flowed organically and were perfect for the audience to easily relate to, and everyone loves a dance scene. I am left wondering and curious to see who gets which man in the end, and how the climax of the dynamics resolves. Looking forward to experiencing what happens next. Best of luck Lisa. Also, let me know if you want to use Linkedin to build our professional network. PS thanks for the critique, am finishing up grooming Old Buffalo Hospital. Lived in the far north for a long time.
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Hi Anna,
Thank you for the feedback! I have 4 sisters, so I know a little bit about sister dynamics. The location of Seneca Falls, NY is real, and I have been to the “It’s a Wonderful Life” festival there. I hope you enjoy the movie. “It’s a Wonderful Life” is a movie many Americans watch every year at Christmas time. My family does.
I appreciate the kind words and you’ve given me a lot to think about to improve the scene. Thanks again!
Lisa
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Thanks for your reaction, Lisa. Yes! You got Emmy’s subtext EXACTLY! Will review your scene today – Sunday!
best!
Dev
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Hi June,
I feel so invested in your story for so many personal reasons and I love your two main characters. It was so effective how you started the scene so positive and then ended it with everything going south to the negative. Nice. I think Cameron covered everything so well and I do want to agree that starting on the ‘five finger’ line would be a great way to start the scene in the clearest, most positive and fun-loving way.
best,
Dev
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Ditto, I love reading your work and will look at it in the next couple of hours. Thanks for the review and the encouragement. Good times to you!
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Cam,
I wrote up notes on this scene and posted them but now can’t find them. I’m going to see if they show up, if not, I’ll redo!
Best!
Dev
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Sweet! I posted a V.3 just a bit ago (I’ve been including different scenes since I keep getting the note that the posted scene didn’t meet the subtext standards of this module). I remember the V.2 was included in one of the previous feedback exchanges. The V.3 should be listed at a reply to the V.2 shown above.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Cam,
Dev again. Now I’m confused as to which scene you want comments on. I did my former comments on your Marcus and Apollo scene. Perhaps you didn’t think you fulfilled the subtext assignment on this scene, but I thought you did beautifully. I will attempt to make some of my points again.
1. Firstly, one of the purposes of subtext is to get the audience to internalize the scene. You had me doing that in spades as I could easily put myself in Marcus’s shoes and wonder what I would do.
2. You also established Marcus as a FISH OUT OF WATER! Boy, was he!
3. Marcus also played the ‘victim’ – though it came out of the circumstances. Still, he did what he was told because he was obedient. But — I could see that he was struggling with the ‘right thing to do!’ Apollo gave him that option – imperfect as it may have been. The scene tricked me into thinking that Marcus would join Apollo as a brother. When he shot him, I was stunned. Great turnaround.
Dev
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Thank you so much Dev!
I’m so sorry for the confusion! Yeah, I think subtext is one of those concepts that lends itself to a number of different interpretations and styles. I think I lean into more bombastic styles and concepts generally, which makes for moments that are more about revelations than concealments, and that makes for scenes that aren’t structurally subtextual in a character sense, but the setup and dialogue may use elements of the techniques described in the last few lessons. Not sure, but that may be why I’ve gotten a few notes that say I didn’t use subtext according to what the lesson required.
That all said, thank you again for your helpful feedback! I’ll be sure to read your scene ASAP!
Cam
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REVISED – DEV ROSS – FINAL SCENE – V2
CLAY CAINE is a failing Grand Dragon of the KKK who desperately wants his power and influence back in order to change the country.
EMMY CAINE is his daughter who desperately wants her father’s love and approval but has fallen in love with a black man and is carrying his baby.
Previous to this scene, Clay’s kicked his daughter out for getting pregnant by a black man. What Emmy doesn’t know is that her father has killed her mother.
What I continue to learn from these subtext exercises is how deep into the layers of character I can go.
INT. CLAY HOME – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Clay enters, sets his gun down, removes his coat when an anguished whimper comes from the darkened room.
CLAY
Who’s there?!
He grabs his gun, aims it into the darkness.
CLAY
Tell me quick or I blow your head off!
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy…?
Clay feels for the light switch, flicks it on to reveal his wreck of a daughter sitting on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest. She looks as small as she feels.
Clay holds his gun on her.
CLAY
I said you’re no longer welcome in my home.
Emmy puts her hand out as if to ward off a bullet.
EMMY
You also once said that if I made a mistake, God would forgive me.
Barely containing her shaking, she’s gets to her feet.
EMMY
But he didn’t. He saw fit to punish me instead.
She opens the thin sweater she had wrapped around her.
EMMY
He took my baby, Daddy. So, shoot me if you want. I deserve it.
Caine lowers his gun. Emmy takes this as an opening. A big, fat opportunity.
EMMY
You were right, Daddy, just like you always are.
Clay puts the gun down. For Emmy, her opening just got wider…
EMMY
It never should’ve happened.
From Clay’s point of view, she looks so young, so innocent. He likes young and innocent.
EMMY
I know that now.
Clay nods his head, smiles sadly.
Another opening for Emmy.
EMMY
So, I’ve come home to tell you this, to admit it.
She grabs his hand, kisses it, holds it against his cheek.
EMMY
I’m just so sorry, Daddy, and I love you so much. Do you still love me?
Clay’s heart breaks in two.
CLAY
I never stopped.
Almost home free…
EMMY
Is Momma home? She’ll be so happy to see me. She hasn’t been at work. Did she quit?
She heads toward the kitchen.
EMMY
She in the kitchen?
Clay hesitates, then…
CLAY
No.
EMMY
Then she’s home sick?
Realizing the danger…
CLAY
You said you went to her work?
EMMY
Well… only… because Momma told me I couldn’t come back home without your permission.
Approaching, stroking him some more…
EMMY
After all, we both know you’re the boss, and… well, if Momma’s sick,
I can take care of her.
Clay’s face goes blank.
CLAY
She’s not here.
EMMY
When will she be back?
CLAY
She didn’t believe in me.
EMMY
Oh… So, are you two taking some time away? Lots of couples do that.
No answer.
EMMY
Until she comes back, I can take care of you, Daddy, and you and me can spend some real quality time together.
No answer and she can no longer read his face.
EMMY
Please don’t say ‘no,’ Daddy! I can cook and clean and I’ll get a job to help out!
CLAY
No.
EMMY
But why? There’s not going to be a half-breed child they can trace back to you!
He’s clinical now. The ‘facts’ according to him.
CLAY
Because, girl, you’re infected now. Contaminated. Your womb defiled. No matter how much I love you, I can’t change that.
He opens the door.
You need to leave my house now and never come back.
She doesn’t budge.
EMMY
No, Daddy.
CLAY
Go on.
EMMY
I’m still your daughter.
He grabs her wrist, pulls her toward the door.
CLAY
You betrayed me and everything I stand for. I won’t – I can’t – have anything to do with you!
EMMY
But you can’t just throw me away, Daddy! I made a mistake, and now I’m willing to do whatever you say!
Clay pushes her out the door hard. She stumbles and tries to get back in.
EMMY
Daddy! Please!
SLAM! He shuts the door in her face.
POUNDING on the door.
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy!
It stops abruptly. A moment of silence then…
EMMY (O.S.)
You disgust me! You racist bigot! I hate you! Hate you!
EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – ON DOOR – CONTINUOUS
Defiant, Emmy stands at the door.
EMMY
Times are changing, old man! You’re done! Done! You hear me?! Your followers are nothing but losers! Like you!
INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – FOYER – CONTINUOUS
Clay heads away from the door just as her POUNDING, and now her pleading, continues…
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy! Daddy!
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Oh my Dev! these people have evolved so much. I am wonderfully unsure what Emmy’s game is – I can feel she is up to something but don’t know what and want to know. I like how Clay sways to and fro offering hope and then dashing those hopes. The unsaid and half spoken thoughts along with the revelations and whiplashing changes of approaches keep me fully engaged. Any time there is a gun it adds tension. And as we know he has killed before it is extra scary. I do feel that at this point we might lose any any sympathy for Clay at all… And we are surely rooting for Emmy in a big way.
Would you please have a look at mine?
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Kate’s Final Scene
the 3rd scene in the film
we met Luciana as the mayor of the town – all upset about the developer Darogh and a then sc 2. Nia arriving at the camping site with the Acting troupe.
LUCIANA AND NIA FIRST MEETING IN THE BAR
INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING
Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, a juke box plays the ‘Rock Around The Clock’, a young barman is busy filling orders, a thin, wiry barmaid takes an unusual number food orders. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way, with the theatre folk and locals mingling and getting to know each other, adding an extra buzz and energy to the scene.
After their initial meeting in the larger group, Luciana makes her way to Nia determined to have a quiet conversation with her.
She manages to push her way to a far corner table, Hades at her heels, pulling Nia to sit with her at one of the two chairs, successfully blocking anyone else from joining them.
Nia is excited and happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.
LUCIANA
Not the best but not bad either.
NIA
As long as it’s cold, I’m happy.
LUCIANA
Salud!
NIA
Salud!
Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.
LUCIANA
Is this your first time here, Nia?
NIA
Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?
LUCIANA
Most of my life, si. Where are you from?
NIA
East coast.
LUCIANA
You are very beautiful.
NIA
Oh, um. Thank you. You too.
LUCIANA
It is not always a good thing, is it?
NIA
It can be – challenging.
Luciana tosses her had back and laughs
LUCIANA
I hate it!
Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.
NIA
Me too!
Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.
LUCIANA
He likes you. Do you have a dog at home?
NIA
Can I pat him?
Luciana nods.
NIA
No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Well, not later.. I do remember a dog. A long time ago.
LUCIANA
Cuando eras una niña?
NIA
My Spanish..
LUCIANA
When you were little. A child.
Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere.
NIA
Do you have children?
LUCIANA
Do I look like I do?
NIA
What does a Mother look like?
LUCIANA
Ah!Tu tambien eres lista. Oh English – You are clever too. Not just beautiful.
Hades nuzzles Nia’s lap asking her to keep rubbing his head.
LUCIANA
I think you are stealing my dog.
Nia just smiles. This dog makes her feel good.
LUCIANA
Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?
NIA
I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.
LUCIANA
Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.
Nia is jolted.
NIA
They sometimes have hair…
LUCIANA
Yes.
Nia suddenly remembers that her mother had such a dog.
NIA
There was a dog… My mother.
LUCIANA
He was a gift to her?
Nia is a surprised and a bit uncomfortable.
NIA
Tell me about this town. How has it changed for you?
Luciana takes the hint.
LUCIANA
It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.
NIA
Who?
LUCIANA
A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.
Hades licks Luciana’s hand.
NIA
He knows what you said. Like he wants to keep you safe.
LUCIANA
He is my guide to the underworld.I can go into the darkness and come out safely. You too.
Nia smiles ruefully.
NIA
Maybe I will need to borrow him one day.
LUCIANA
Or I can give you one of your own.
Nia looks at her sharply.
LUCIANA
I breed them.
Nia is looking pensive.
LUCIANA
Come, we need a margarita.
NIA
I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?
Luciana now knows for sure who she is – her friend’s daughter.
LUCIANA
It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.
Nia laughs and relaxes.
NIA
I want to meet her! Come on! Let’s make my eyes water.
Nia stands shaking off the weird feelings she has.
LUCIANA
Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I will tell you. For now – let’s find that margarita.
Nia suddenly hugs her.
NIA
I like you! I think we’ll be friends. I’ll go push my way to the bar. See you there.
She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, then turns to Hades now standing on the chair Nia just left.
LUCIANA
La he encontrado. But not to tell her yet. Not yet.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
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Hey Kate!
Thank you so much for the kind words and the awesome notes. I’ll be sure to play with that scene some more. Expository dialogue is something I still struggle with, but I’m glad to hear some parts of it are working. Isaiah being a truth teller makes all the sense in the world, because as someone who grew up with Asperger’s, lying and using subtext in conversation never made a lick of sense to me as a kid, especially when you can just say what you’re thinking (I still can’t lie very well, even for a surprise birthday part for my wife). Maybe I’ll have to use that lie-detector trait of his more in these conversations. Hmmmm…
Anyway! Here’s what I loved about your scene!
Luciana has such presence, I can’t imagine an actress not wanting the role. She reminds me of some of the angels in the Bible, and that otherworldliness she exhibits sets a tone for the conflict between the old, ancient ways of the Maya and Aztec speaking through Luciana with the new, progressive wealth of a businessman attempting to possess her/their land. It gives the story a biblical feel underneath the modern text and actions, which makes for the fun subtext you’ve written.
I like Nia in this scene. It would be all too easy to fall into the trap of a character just asking questions on behalf of the audience, and having no other real intention in the scene. But Nia won’t rest at just asking a bunch of questions. She’s new and this is a relationship she wants. She has her own secrets and is cagey in all the right topics that would lead us to connect these two characters. I love when she says “I like you! I think we’ll be friends!” Even though it’s a little on the surface, there’s an earnestness there, along with what feels like a plea, like Luciana is a part of her past that she’s curious to uncover.
What I have questions about…
I don’t have a lot of questions concerning the subtext, at least as far as I understand the scene: “Luciana makes Nia think of a mother she either never had or has lost, which makes Nia want to connect with Luciana and a part of herself long forgotten. Meanwhile, Luciana has plans for the girl who’s all grown up from when she first met her.” If that’s not what the scene is about, then I’ve missed a whole lot and have a whole host of other questions. Otherwise, this scene is solid, and in context with the rest of your story, it makes structural sense to have Nia be somewhat passive in this scene as a contrast to the woman she will become by the end of the story (Again, very similar to many of the characters in the Bible who started off passive, only to enact great change by the end of the story).
I will say some of the action description threw me off a bit, such as “Nia looks at her sharply.” The word “Sharply” can mean a number of things, like “Nia threw daggers with her eyes,” or “Nia morphs her face into something like a stone carving, unmoved and unamused.” Both give us completely different ways to read Nia’s intentions and where her head’s at, which can help us to better identify the subtext being used. As a general rule, if you treat adverbs like toll roads or trips to the DMV, and instead prioritize specific nouns, verbs, and literary techniques (metaphors, hyperbole, onomatopoeia, etc.) your intent will rarely be misjudged and your writing will look 1,000% better, even if you change nothing else with your dialogue or story structure.
I really like where this story’s going and its potential. I have a soft spot for these kinds of narratives where someone who feels so small grows into someone who leads the charge to make the biggest impact.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
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June,
As per usual, great notes. Based on them, I’ll be doing another version!
many thanks!
Dev
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Cam,
Lordy, I always love your comments and insights! Many, many thanks!
Dev
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Hi Kate!
Nice job on subtext use! You delivered “deeper levels of meaning of dialogue in spades. As for Basic Structure for subtext you definitely used – and quite well – “underlying meaning.” As for 5 Basic Oriented Plots – you used “hides who they are” and “investigation.” You also employed: secretive, plotting, and a bit of the seducer in Luciana. Well done! Really enjoyed the scene and how well it continued developing who your characters are.
Dev
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PS81 – Dana’s Final Scene
I missed the opportunity to exchange critiques due to a severe flu (not COVID luckily). If anyone would like to give it a quick read, feel free and thanks.
SUBTEXT LOGLINES
ELLEN LANDRY is a broken psychologist hiding from a past tragedy as a radio talk show host to avoid direct and emotional involvement with patients.
PETER WHITE is the station manager caught in the middle between helping his friend and the station owner concerned with ratings.
JERRY is the station owner running with business who cannot be concerned with feelings.
CLAIRE BARROW is Ellen’s radio show producer and surrogate mother dependent on Ellen’s success.
SUBTEXT SCENE – Competitive agendas
SCENE – This scene takes place within the first ten minutes after Ellen’s patient has shot himself.
FADE IN:
JERRY (V.O.)
(on phone)
— I’m not running a charity, Pete. I’ve seen the ratings.
INT. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
ON PETER WHITE
KCSF station manager, heavyset from too many years sitting behind a desk, but those years show wisdom and experience. He’s on the phone with the boss.
PETER
They’re not that bad.
JERRY (V.O.)
They’re not that good, either. The twenty-to-thirty-year old’s aren’t tuning in like you thought.
PETER
We can do another marketing campaign. Have her do some guest hosting. Maybe reprogram. A new time slot —
JERRY
Reprogramming is the problem, Pete. And you know it.
Pete says nothing. He knows Jerry’s right.
JERRY (CONT’D)
Look, she’s your friend, and you want to help her. I get it. Especially after what happened. But it’s been six months, and her ratings are flat. And I need to sell advertising.
PETER
No, I understand.
JERRY
You’re a great station manager, Pete. But don’t let friendship cloud your judgment. I like Ellen, too. And I wanted her to succeed. But his is business.
PETER
Okay. I’ll tell here when she gets in.
JERRY
Good.
Jerry hangs up. Pete slowly places the receiver on the cradle, dejected. Thinking how he’s going to tell Ellen.
EXT. PARKING LOT, KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS
An SUV bounds into the lot and zooms to a stop. Ellen kicks open the door and drops out.
She slings an oversized purse and laptop computer bag and dashes to the door, swiping at a coffee stain map of South America on her skirt.
INT. RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS
CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, is everybody’s overbearing mom — no paint, no polish — who never misses a Woodstock reunion.
She’s in full mother mode when Ellen comes through the door.
CLAIRE
Where have you been? I called you thirty minutes ago.
She shuffles Ellen through reception.
ELLEN
Mackenzie refused to get out of bed. And Samantha forgot to do her homework —
CLAIRE
Never mind. Give me that —
She grabs Ellen’s purse.
ELLEN
Keys?
ELLEN (CONT’D)
In the bag. How late am I?
CLAIRE
Just hurry.
(noting the stain)
What happened there?
ELLEN
My Starbucks slipped.
CLAIRE
Well… he’s a man. He won’t care.
GAIL SIMMONS, the model receptionist, watches the twosome scurry across the lobby, shaking her head, amused.
INT. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
A light RAP on the door, barely audible. Peter looks to the door. Did I hear something?
PETER
Come in?
Ellen enters, sheepish, almost afraid to enter.
PETER (CONT’D)
Good morning, Ellen.
ELLEN
I am sorry, Pete. No excuses. My morning was just —
Peter stands to welcome her.
PETER
Don’t sweat it. Come in, have a seat.
Ellen slides into the club chair. Peter resumes his seat behind his desk.
PETER (CONT’D)
I’d offer you coffee, but I see you’ve already had yours.
Ellen swipes at the stain, embarrassed.
PETER (CONT’D)
Why don’t we get to it?
Peter flips the ratings book open.
ELLEN
Are my ratings that bad?
PETE
They’re not bad. But they’re not where we’d hoped they’d be.
ELLEN
Am I cancelled?
PETER
I’ve been talking with Jerry. The station’s not going to pick up your option. I’m sorry.
Ellen nods, understanding, but disheartened.
PETER (CONT’D)
I’m just wondering if you came here for the right reasons, Ellen.
ELLEN
What do you mean?
PETER
If you came here to hide.
(beat)
You’re a great psychologist, Ellen. Have you thought about going back to private practice?
ELLEN
(shaking her head)
I can’t do that.
Ellen avoids eye contact, nervous, looking at everything and nothing. Afraid of the idea.
EXT. STATION ROOFTOP – DAY
Claire near the edge, gazing at the city, smoking like a pro.
ELLEN (O.S.)
He thinks I’m hiding.
Claire pushes out a stream and passes her smoke to Ellen.
CLAIRE
Fuck him.
Ellen takes a puff, sucking in her cheeks — total amateur. She coughs out the smoke.
ELLEN
How do you smoke these?
CLAIRE
They keep my weight down.
Ellen passes it back.
ELLEN
Do you think I’m hiding?
CLAIRE
You’ll go back when you’re ready.
ELLEN
Sometimes I feel like I’m holding back. That I tell people what they want to hear to avoid the conflict.
CLAIRE
In real life or the show?
ELLEN
Both.
CLAIRE
Well, we’ve still got two weeks. Maybe you can find your mojo.
Claire takes one last drag on the cigarette and sighs out the smoke, exasperated.
CLAIRE (CONT’D)
One caller, that’s all we needed. Just one caller.
Claire flicks the cigarette off the edge.
CUT TO:
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Hi Dana,
I too, am late to the dance. Ah, but Life happens…
I like all the nuances you have built into your scene. And you set the table very clearly for what comes next – “THE Caller”. So, 2 things puzzled me: 1) you set up the scene saying this was 5 minutes after the caller shot himself ?? and 2) Claire’s last line probably should read: “we only NEED one caller (not needed), as in anticipating what will / might happen, next yes?
I also enjoyed your turn of phrase “smoking like a pro”. And is it ironic that Claire mentions keeping her weight down, because I read that as ironic, meaning she must really be overweight. Also liked the injection of humor when the station manager mentions Ellen ‘already having had her coffee’.
The conversation between the owner and manager seemed a bit on the nose. But in this moment I truly have no suggestion on how you could change anything, because I do realize the need to impart basic info to us.
The human qualities associated with the scene lull us into a relatable sense of normalcy before all hell breaks loose. So, bravo you.
-Anita
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Anita
Thanks for the critique. I make a mistake in my set-up regarding the 5 minutes. This scene takes place one year post the shooting. But it takes place in the first 10 minutes of the film during the normal world set-up. I also appreciate the spell check, too.
And you’re right about the owner/manager conversation. It’s a bit boring and on the nose. This is a first draft with a partial rewrite from my original opening. It needs a complete rewrite down the road. I’m still not sure about this intro. I may change it again. It gets me where I want to go for now.
Thanks again for the help.
Dana
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Day 9: (RE: Subtext) – Anita’s Final Scene
Hi All, I was traveling, so just now posting this assignment. If there’s anyone else who has yet to receive feedback and would like some, or who would just like to critique my scene – please let me know! Thanks!
NOTE: This scene is near the end of Act 2. My 3 main characters ‘dance’ around each other in cat-and-mouse behaviors so there are very few times they interact directly. This scene represents Harley’s first attempt to uncover the identity of her biological parents (the beginning of her plotting against them), and she is using her new career in a lab to do it.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – LATE NIGHT
Harley’s sitting at one of the lab stations alone.
She rips open one of the company’s home DNA test kits and opens the provided plastic vial. Spits into it.
Holding the vial she slides her wheeled stool over to a series of chemicals standing in tiny glass tubes and picks up a calibrated pipette to meticulously extract her saliva one drop at a time to squirt into each color-coded tube.
Harley caps, shakes and places each test tube into a machine.
She turns it on. Various lights, motions, WHIRRING SOUNDS indicate a complicated series of processes. She waits patiently until the machine CLICKS off.
She turns her attention to the attached computer screen whose output reads like a scientific journal. She scrolls through –
DATA COLLECTION # 867,951,722 ANALYSIS
Assay Genome sequence complete.
Panels and exomes complete.
Client’s Categorical results follow:
Health risks
Nutritional needs
Ancestry
Maternal Haplogroup
Paternal Haplogroup
DNA Relatives
– Harley stops scrolling.
She hovers the mouse for just a moment and then CLICKS on:
DNA Relatives
Only Harley sees the detailed results; we read them on her face – which becomes uncharacteristically emotional.
Suddenly she swivels the stool over to her first station, logs on to her computer, calls up the company’s main database and rapidly types in two names:
DANICA BRAHMS
CYRUS KILNER
Harley barrels her chair over to another computer and Googles: DANICA BRAHMS.
She swings to a third terminal, Googling: CYRUS KILNER.
Still seated, she see-saws back and forth between the two screens reading everything she can as rapidly as possible about the biological parents she never knew – and who don’t know her.
She mutters reactions to some of what she reads under her breath –
HARLEY
Judge… ha! … And attorney…. Makes sense.
(beat)
Wait – what the fuck? … A right-wing asshole politician… and a pro-abortion activist?… that’s some messed-up schizophrenic shit –
She suddenly stops at a news article under Danica’s online Bio.
It’s an obituary for Harley’s grandparents.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
(reading aloud)
…killed in a gruesome motorcycle accident. Names: <st1:place w:st=”on”>Georgina</st1:place> and Edgar – nickname, Harley.
(beat)
Great, “MOM”! You didn’t really name me after your father, thank god – EDGAR – jeez, but after the vehicle that killed him!
She snorts.
CUT TO:
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Anita
Thanks for the critique. I make a mistake in my set-up regarding the 5 minutes. This scene takes place one year post the shooting. But it takes place in the first 10 minutes of the film during the normal world set-up. I also appreciate the spell check, too.
And you’re right about the owner/manager conversation. It’s a bit boring and on the nose. This is a first draft with a partial rewrite from my original opening. It needs a complete rewrite down the road. I’m still not sure about this intro. I may change it again. It gets me where I want to go for now.
Thanks again for the help.
Dana
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