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Day 9 Assignments
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PS81 Day 9 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s Completed Third Act
What I learned: I’m really glad to have been challenged. Originally I wrote this last scene to remain open-ended, letting the audience walk away talking about possible conclusions. But it was not as satisfying an ending as I think it would need to be, to be sell-able. I am not 100% about where to end this. I like the last twist, but I don’t want it to feel ‘overwritten’.
I would very much like feedback on the three different places I could end this, as notated below!
ASSIGNMENT
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Show us your final act by giving us one paragraph on each of the following:
1. SETUP:
Danica and Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’ fire station. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley – exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. When his wife Karen discovers thru genetic home testing that Cyrus has a child out of wedlock she leaves him. Danica also climbs the ladder of success and as partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws in her current state. During this time Harley grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at the same genetics lab that uncovered Cyrus’ illegitimate child – who is Harley. Because of her job access Harley discovers both her biological parents’ identities and their health histories.
2. PLOT POINT 2:
Danica’s sister dies from acute kidney disease and Danica is told by her doctor of her own need for a kidney transplant.
3. CRISIS:
Danica must present legal anti-abortion arguments before Judge Cyrus – the biggest case of her career. The stress causes a breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading her to search out and find her now-grown abandoned daughter.
4. CLIMAX:
Harley, aware of both parents’ identities and their medical history agrees to meet her mother Danica, but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus so Danica can get his kidney.
5. RESOLUTION:
Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she killed Cyrus and was the one who made sure Danica received his kidney.
6. FINAL PAGE:
TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE:
DANICA
So I really do have a second chance.
Dani turns to Harley.
DANICA (CONT’D)
And I should never have given you one to begin with.
FINAL SCENE(S):
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – CONTINUOUS
A silver car comes speeding around the bend.
We see a man bending over outside his ‘McMansion’ iron gates to get the morning paper – we recognize him as Cyrus.
Brakes Squeal. SLAM.
Blackout.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DUSK
Eyes groggily open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene – especially through the gloomy dusk and hazy lens of post-op drugs.
A TV news anchor is nattering in the background.
It is Danica wincing in pain, who hobbles out of bed, and with weak and wobbly arms drags her I.V. pole limping toward to a mirror.
Gingerly lifting her hospital gown she discovers a large bandage over her lower right abdomen. She warily peels back the white gauze to reveal a long red angry trail of stitches.
Danica’s deeply confused. Is this the kidney transplant she was praying for?
Harley walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy.
Danica is stunned silent. This is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters.
Danica sways, wonders what kind of drugs she’s on. She turns back to her mirrored image – then to Harley – yep, there’s really two of them in the room.
Harley nonchalantly picks up the TV remote and raises the volume.
TV ANCHOR
.. the tragic hit and run accident of Circuit <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>Appeals Court</st1:address></st1:street> Judge Cyrus Kilner at his home early this morning. Police say their only lead is a silver sedan seen driving on the street. If anyone has more information –
Harley clicks the report off.
She turns to her mother, a sublime grin on her face.
HARLEY
Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he was signed up as an organ donor.
Danica’s knees give out and she slides into a chair like jello.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Maybe his nickname should have been Ford – you know, like Grandpa Edgar was called Harley.
Danica goes from pale to ashen, eyes wide on the stranger before her.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
What? Too soon?
Harley rings out a strange bright laugh at her own twisted joke.
[NOTE: THIS IS WHERE I ORIGINALLY ENDED.]
CYRUS
Inside family joke? I’m family. Let me in on it.
Harley spins around in shock to see Cyrus standing there in the doorway on crutches, a leg cast from toes to his groin.
Danica’s head is spinning.
Behind Cyrus are two police officers. They walk in and cuff a sputtering Harley.
HARLEY
But you – I thought – this can’t be right –
CYRUS
None of this is right.
DANICA
Wait!
The officers pause, one on each side of a glazed-looking Harley.
Dani puts her hands over her eyes, confused, disoriented.
DANICA (CONT’D)
I don’t understand. I thought –
(pins Cyrus with a look)
So whose kidney do I have?
CYRUS
An anonymous donor from the UNOS list. When they brought me in, the doc who cleared me of internal injuries happened to be yours, and we had a chat.
He shrugs a bit sheepishly.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
I may have pulled one or two strings about your placement on that list.
DANICA
So I really do have a second chance.
Dani turns to Harley.
DANICA (CONT’D)
And I should never have given you one to begin with.
[NOTE: I COULD END IT HERE, OR ADD THIS FINAL BIT??]
Harley spits back with real venom –
HARLEY
And without him here, you still would have died! So, you’re welcome. MOM.
The police haul Harley out of the hospital room trailing her crazy laughter all the way down the hall.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Anita Gomez.
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Critique for Anita Gomez:
Hi Anita,
I always like a movie that I think is over and then it surprises me! Yours does that twice at the end. I see the twists in that Cyrus is alive and Harley was going to kill Danica too…which is almost like killing Cyrus twice if Danica actually got Cyrus’s kidney. This seems like the Good Guy Wins After Pain and Risk scenario. In my opinion, I like the two added endings and would keep them. Harley saying that she would have killed Danica…that is a powerful last line! It gave me chills and I only read the ending. 🙂
Lisa
Please critique my submission, if you have the time!
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Thanks Lisa!
Sometimes it’s easy to lose objectivity. That’s one of the great things about getting feedback from others in this class!
Best,
Anita
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Good morning, Lisa. Would you like to critique my submission and I will review yours?
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Hey Anita!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Sure Cameron, that’d be great!
-Anita
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Hey Anita!
Here’s what I loved about your ending!
I love that you’re considering what is marketable about your script. While I think an open ended conclusion can make for a powerful ending if it’s set up right and is consistent with the thematic message of your story, I do think you’re right in trying to come up with a more conclusive ending, as it is something that is generally more satisfying, easier to pull off, and more marketable.
I like the angle that Danica needs a matching kidney, and that her daughter out of wedlock stands the best chance of giving her life. It’s potentially a beautiful reversal: Where Danica gave Harley life, Harley now gives her mother life.
I really enjoyed your descriptions and dialogue, particularly the “long red angry trail of stitches.” Describing the stitches as “angry” gave a phenomenal mental picture.
What I have questions about…
I’m going to try to stay away from political views, as a discussion on these issues is not what we’re going for. I’m going to stick with just the structure of your story and how it translates to your ending. Though I will say that Harley’s story is eerily similar to grandfather’s story: born out of wedlock to high class families, given birth and adopted in secret from the public, he knew he was adopted, he started a career in medicine, he learned who his real parents were through genetics and records. And I’ll admit that it was off-putting to have his story translated into something that felt like a pro-abortion version of IT FOLLOWS, particularly with Danica’s line “I should never have given you [a chance] to begin with.” That all said, I’m sure there’s some context I’m missing from Harley’s story as to why she’s emotionally damaged. I realize Hal requested we establish the “SETUP” in one to two paragraphs, and I do agree that that should be the goal. However, like with my story, if too short an explanation leaves too many questions or a confusion about what the ending means, it makes it much harder to give accurate feedback. On the other hand, since we’re also considering the marketability of your script, if there’re too many storylines and plot details to keep up with in fewer than 120 pages, then it may be a good idea to lean out your story to its most critical details for that consistent theme. From what I’m looking at, your story revolves around the lives of Harley and Danica, a mother and daughter that never know each other, and the fallout of Danica’s decision to give birth instead of aborting her child. There’s amazing potential for mirroring, conflict, redemption, and found treasure, especially with the reversal plot point described above where once her daughter needed her, and now Danica needs her daughter; a real tearjerker of a film, similar to the tv show, THIS IS US. Yet, if your intent is to have an ending like the one you’ve shown, I’d build in a thriller/horror movie plot. Build in a story where Danica advocates for abortion, with Harley watching this from a distance, knowing she is her daughter. Let that tension build resentment in Harley, by showing the stronger Danica fights for pro-choice and legal abortion, the more Harley’s innate dark side manifests, starting small with cats, before progressing to other foster kids, to eventually adults. Have Cyrus be a DA or something involved with the police as they try to catch this killer (Harley) who’s stalking Danica. Let Danica’s line come in the second act break, as Harley gets caught. Then the third act is Harley escaping and trapping her mother. Danica has to confront the daughter she estranged. She has to face down someone she spent her whole life politically advocating to have killed before she was ever born. If Danica survives and defeats her daughter, she inevitably walks away changed from her experience. There’s an irony built in with that plot-line and the character motivations and themes are consistent. This is your story, and by no means am I saying that you should write the exact story I’ve outlined above. I’m just using an example of how you can use mirroring to build in a structure that is coherently consistent and nuanced, so that you aren’t left with an ending that feels like having the rug pulled out from under you and is either potentially praised or deeply offensive, and nobody is left in the middle talking about it.
I’m sorry if this is a lot. I think you have an amazing and original concept, and want to see it be the best it can be. You have a great talent for this, and I know this story can be powerful to a lot of people.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Thanks Cameron for your thoughtful feedback. Many of the plot points you suggest are (hopefully) woven into my script leading up to this third act.
I had to look up the film, IT FOLLOWS, as I was unaware of it. You are right to peg the genre as something other than a drama. It is written as a psychological thriller (but not horror). At its core my intent is to have the audience look at the concept of abortion through a prism – from the viewpoints of many – of the unwitting biological parents, to the unwanted child, to the adoptive parents who love this child, and the sister, a church-going mom appalled at the idea of abortion at all costs. It is undeniably a topic fraught with emotion. And that is why I chose to write about it. That, and it is of course in the forefront of today’s headlines.
Interesting to me that several people have wanted more of a reconciliation with the mother-daughter. This suggests a hopefulness that I don’t give voice to, as it is not in character for either Dani or Harley. That is, until Dani, faced with her mortality, reaches out to Harley.
As an aside, to explain some of these dynamics – both mother and daughter were born with the genetic deficiency of having only one kidney. And when Dani reaches out to Harley it is with the internal conflict of her personal motivations – to reconnect? Or to get a kidney? (which would mean the death of Harley!)
It’s all a bit twisted – which brings me to the one place we don’t see redemption coming from – and that is a selfless act from narcissistic Cyrus. Harley is meant to stand in for the age-old question of nature vs nurture? It is her genetics that bake in or hard-wire her cruel selfishness.
I see I have to beef up my SETUP to express more! Thanks for helping me see this!
Best,
Anita
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Hi Anita,
For my feedback, I had genre confusion. At first it feels like a tearjerker drama, with either the daughter agreeing to help the mom and they live happily ever after (pro-life and second chances) or the daughter refuses to help the mom and the mom dies (just desserts). Those endings feel “inevitable” based on your setup and would give us understandable meanings. And are probably commercially viable in today’s climate.
Having Danica learn of her sickness at the end of Act Two feels extremely late in the structure, and your Crisis, which should really be only one scene, feels jam-packed and rushed because it has so much happening in it. Consider Plot Point 1 being Danica learning of her sickness, and the stuff in the Crisis being the beginning of Act Two. And if Harley really is trouble, let’s start seeing an inkling of that stuff in Act Two.
Your endings, wow! They definitely surprised us! However, for me, the endings you are trying don’t feel inevitable, and I’m having trouble understanding their meanings. Like one of your proposed endings makes me feel like you are saying that if you don’t abort your unwanted baby then the baby will grow up to be a murderous psychopath with a heart of gold. Another of your proposed endings inexplicably redeems Cyrus, and it just feels random and unearned. Each of your proposed endings completely changes the meaning you as the author are trying to convey. Where do you come out on this? It can’t just be whatever surprises us the most. Inevitable with meaning too.
Your subsequent explanation does help shed light on your aspirations of showing multiple points of view on this controversial area, so I would agree that your setup needs to help the audience understand your intended genre and plot choices. Just my thoughts trying to digest your movie. You obviously have a very specific vision, which is the most important thing, so keep working on trying to convey it more clearly to the audience.
Thanks,
Michael
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Thanks Michael for your very thoughtful feedback.
I am somewhat conflicted on how to actually wrap my story up. As mentioned, I want it to be meaningful, but not over-written.
Several of your questions are answered earlier in the script (for instance, we get lots of foreshadowing about Danica’s health crisis). And Harley is a complicated character. I certainly wasn’t aiming for tear-jerker… but more shock.
So, lots to process!
I want to read your post and give it my full attention but am running out the door for the night. Please look for my analysis tomorrow.
Best,
Anita
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Hi Anita,
Can we exchange critiques?
Thanks,
Michael
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Anita
I’ve read your script and the critiques from Cam and Lisa, and I will try not to repeat some of their ideas and comments.
I like the ironic twists in your story, the family intrigue between the three characters and how their paths keep crisscrossing. The conservative family man having an affair, Danica arguing for anti-abortion even though she kept her baby. My only suggestion regarding the subject matter is to be careful. You’re touching on a very controversial subject. Some of the producer interviews I’ve listened to and watched warn writers that scripts with political and/or religious views have difficulty finding a home. But the way you’re structuring your story, focusing more on the characters and using the subject matter as a subplot, works well.
I also agree with Lisa about your endings. When you think the story ends, you have a another ending, the another. But please, do not follow the example of The Lord of the Rings with 10 endings! Three is good.
There is, however, one error in your story that jumped out at me from my law classes days. Danica would not be allowed to argue her case in front of her ex-husband judge. It’s too big a conflict of interest. Cyrus would have to recuse himself from the case. Even if Danica were to remove herself as primary counsel and become an advisor, Cyrus could still not be the judge. Especially if they have a contentious relationship. One side or the other would make that argument, which might be a good plot twist (i.e. Cyrus fights to remain judge in the case even though he can’t by law. It would emphasis to his corrupt nature).
I like Harley and assume, by her plan, that you develop her sociopathic character throughout the script. I would be interested to read how she develops.
I think you have a great concept. And from your writing, I hear your voice and passion for the project.
Dana
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Thanks Dana for your thoughtful input.
I think you “get” what I am attempting. I chose the subject for the very reason that it is so topical for Americans in this moment. And I hope I can find a producer with the guts to tackle the subject in the multi-faceted manner I have (hopefully) presented it.
Your note about Cyrus not being able to sit as a judge would ring true, but is circumvented by the fact that his was in an illicit affair with Dani 20 years ago (unknown to others and not spouses) and I also have a scene where Dani reveals her past history to her boss and he still encourages her to use her anger and passion about that in court.
Okay! Now I have to fold all this wonderful feedback back into the story!
Thanks again,
Anita
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Hello Anita, hope it’s Ok if I just jump in with a critique. This is such an important subject anywhere, any time. However now in the USA with legislative changes, your story needs the very best chance.
There were only a couple of things I wondered about.
1. Is it your intention to give some sort of show not tell about the way genetic testing would have worked to indicate Cyrus had had a child. It read as though Cyrus’s genetic testing revealed the offspring. I think that could only happen in a specific sequence?
2. Secondly the line of dialogue from Danica, “And I should have never given you one anyway,” left me a bit confused?
I think your work is very brave. Not sure from the minimalized outline how much you talk about the abortion laws in your script. I am sure that would be key in getting attention for your movie. It deserves debate. I enjoyed reading it. Please feel free to give me a crtique if you have time. Best wishes Anna
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Hi Anna,
Thanks very much for the encouraging words!
I too, believe this is an extremely important topic! I hope it finds a producer who can bring it into the world.
To answer your questions:
– Genetic kits (like 23&me) not only give you info about your health and ancestry, but also who you are related to (if they are in the database) and offers ways to connect with those people if both parties are interested. I have a scene earlier where Cyrus’ wife hands out these kits as Christmas gifts and later, when the results come back, she finds out Cyrus has another child outside of their marriage. This is also the lab that Harley gets employed at and why she has access to her biological parents medical info. (An interesting aside, there are many stories in the news about long-lost siblings finding each other, and even crimes solved from this DNA sharing tool.)
The last line from Danica harkens back to her initial struggle: Do I abort a child against my own religious beliefs; or give birth to an unwanted child? Obviously, when faced with the monster that Harley has become she regrets her decision.
I’ll be happy to give your a read!
Best,
Anita
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Thanks got it. Keep on going. We will all get there.
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He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. (So true)
She can’t, for religious reasons, go through with the abortion (an excellent reason why she’d date a conservative judge)
(great set up)
excellent plot points 2 and crisis.
(Although I think Cameron’s right- a lawyer couldn’t argue a case before a person with an intimate connection- the question is, does anybody know and will anybody find out? Does the judge recuse himself or thereby admit to his infidelity? Or perhaps this is the way that his wife, Karen, learns of their affair? Maybe this is TMI but the affair was a very long time ago and seemed to end when Danica got pregnant- so Karen had multiple reasons to end that marriage)
The idea that Cyrus is a donor match is possible but not necessarily a shoo-in. Harley is a more likely match, but Harley knows the genetics so you’ve answered it.
I love that Harley is proud of herself for saving her mother by killing someone. It’s such a sick twist. I also love the final twist- that it was Cyrus who found a match for Danica. Love the last line! Great! arrival of Cyrus in the hospital room – but have concerns below.
In addition to the police officers, all judges are protected by Marshals.
Can you build more subtext into Cyrus’ line, “None of this is right?”
Love Harley’s little snit at the end.
I think it all works for your genre- which appears to be thriller/drama. I think it’s good, Anita. I like the Ford line.
I’m trying to figure out how to be helpful without conflicting with your genre/style. In any event, here are a couple of thoughts and as always, toss anything I have to say that doesn’t help. What if Danica woke up and Harley was peering at her? It might be creepier. And if Danica, confused from anesthesia, saw her- instead of getting up and looking into a mirror (might be rough after the surgery), Harley holds a mirror up to her face- or takes a selfie. Or has grabbed photos from online social media and holds Danica’s young pic next to her own (Harley’s) face. Some creepy & sardonic line, like “I’m going to be just like you.”
I think Harley can be super creepy with few words and by adding actions. You can pump up the gain on her and the quieter she is, the more chilling she can be.
Another concern is that the judge just had an accident and US Marshals are very protective. Despite his status, he might be restricted from seeing Danica- but I didn’t research this. I just remember a big meeting I worked for judges and the ballroom, all of the halls and kitchens were filled with Marshals. Packing guns. And I think they accompanied the individual judges to restrooms, too.
I don’t know if you’ve added things to the courtroom scenes, subtext from Cyrus to Danica, or ‘private office’ meetings.
I’m looking forward to reading your whole script. So much fun!
And, I’ve “finished” a first draft of Retirement- incredibly rough and slapped together end- but I’ll post the last 10 pages under my original post. Great going, Anita! Thanks for the exchange. June
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Excellent feedback June – thanks! And thanks for the kind words.
The protective Marshalls tip is a good one.
And I love the possible additions to Harley, especially something like, “look mom, I’ve grown up just like you // or want to be you” …. I will noodle on this.
I’ve never written a psychologically twisted character before, and weirdly, found it to be fun! They live outside of norms and give us unexpected places to go.
I also think you’re right about the following:
Can you build more subtext into Cyrus’ line, “None of this is right?”
I think of my 3 characters, Cyrus has been neglected. I intend to revisit him in my next pass.
I look forward to reading your last 10 pages!
Best regards,
Anita
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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DAY 9 – Exchange Feedback on Your Ending
Lisa’s Completed Third Act
What I learned is tweaking the story and dialogue continues, so don’t get stuck with what has been done. Think about where it can go that might make the story stronger.
*I have a couple of notes in italics
1. SETUP: Give us a paragraph or two about the first two acts so we’ll understand the story.
Mary was voted by the town to take over the annual “It’s a Wonderful Life” (IAWL) festival in Seneca Falls, NY after her mom who usually did it passed away. No one knows that Mary is planning to move to Albany after the festival. Peter, Mary’s ex-husband is a war hero who suffers from PTSD. Mary and Peter have two young daughters, Janie, and Ruthie.
Peter is about to lose his snowmobile shop because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years. Peter did a stint at NORAD (*gov’t agency that tracks Santa Claus) when he was in the military. Peter plans to threaten Santa with worldwide exposure if he doesn’t help him by going down chimneys and stealing presents. Peter has a guy lined up to fence the presents. The money will save his business. He has until Christmas Day to get the money. To make ends meet, Peter has been going around town and helping people with whatever chores they need.
Mary enlists the townspeople to play parts in the festival and parade. Joseph has proposed to Mary on more than one occasion, but Mary keeps turning him down. Joseph is angry when Mary finally tells him that she’s leaving town.
2. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.
Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa Claus from the North Pole. (Tilly thinks Peter is making it all up until they get there.) Peter brings Santa back to town. Mary is trying to find Peter because she’s afraid he’s going to hurt himself. (*At the beginning of the movie, we see a flashback to Mary saving Peter from drowning after he jumps off the George Bailey bridge.)
3. CRISIS — The decision point.
It is snowing after three years! Mary goes to the police to get their help with finding Peter and Santa. They laugh at her. Mary knows she has to thwart Peter’s plan herself.
NORAD agents (*comic relief characters), Dash and Donna have been assigned to find Peter and Santa Claus. Dash and Donna are tracking Peter, Santa, and Tilly. Peter takes Santa to his snowmobile shop. Peter and Tilly dress as Santa too, so he and Santa blend in with all the people dressed as Santa for the 5k Santa run.
The community center catches on fire. Mary and her fellow volunteer firefighters get it out. Mary has to move some of the festivities to the Women’s Rights Museum across the street. But Mary’s father, Harry locks her in the Women’s Rights Museum with her sister Violet to force them to reconcile their differences.
4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
Mary dressed as Santa Claus, switches places with the real Santa and tries to talk Peter out of stealing from the town. The NORAD agents shoot at them on the roof of a house that Peter intends to burglar. Mary throws herself in front of Peter and falls off the roof. Was she hit? Peter gives up to the agents because he thinks Mary as been shot. The incompetent NORAD agents missed. Joseph, Mary’s boyfriend is in the yard watching. He catches Mary when she falls, and they end up in a snowbank.
Santa convinces the bumbling NORAD agents to let Peter go if he agrees to meet them the next day. They let Peter go. Santa tells Peter that he could have left at any time but stayed to try and help him. He summons the reindeer and takes off.
To push the Climax, Peter and Mary’s daughter Janie is lost at the IAWF parade. They hug. Mary kisses Peter and then they run off to find Janie.
5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.
Mary finds Janie in the nativity scene at the church. Poignant moment where Janie expresses that she doesn’t want to leave Seneca Falls. Town sings Christmas carol. Looks like Peter might be the one as they embrace at finding Janie okay.
The next day, Christmas Day, Peter goes to see the NORAD agents at the hotel. As he comes out to the street afterwards, the whole town is there. They tell Peter that they have used the money from the festival to pay off his mortgage and save his shop from foreclosure. One by one people tell how much Peter means to them. Joseph has agreed to finance next year’s festival.
Later, at Mary’s old Victorian house there is a party of people there including Peter and Mary’s sisters, father, and Mary’s best friend, Annie and her husband, Ernie.
6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
Joseph and Mary are on the George Bailey bridge. Joseph proposes one last time, saying, “You saved someone on this bridge once, save me Mary. Marry me.” Mary says, “Well…you are the richest man in town.” Freeze frame on Mary’s face. Fade Out. Screen says “One Year Later”
Fade up on Mary’s kitchen we follow Uncle Billy, the dachshund from the kitchen to the living room where Janie and Ruthie are shaking presents. Mary comes in the room and yells, “Are you coming? The girls are going to open presents now!” Joseph comes bounding down the stairs and says, “Watch out. I’ve got my wings!!” He kisses Mary and grabs a spot on the couch. Mary says, “And you’ve given me mine!” Mary smiles and jumps over the back of the couch to join him. It’s the end of It’s a Wonderful Life on tv and we hear Auld Lang Syne being sung.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of
the whole movie.Turns out I love the movie, after all. I didn’t go to an exciting new town, but Seneca Falls can be pretty exciting too. At least once a year…when the purpose of life is to bring joy to others. (*a line that Santa says earlier in the movie)
We pull out of Mary’s house and view the street lined with old Victorians in the snow. Fly over downtown dressed up for Christmas. The church bells ring. And we see the George Bailey bridge.
*I haven’t completed the Third Act yet, so I’m just including the final scene here:
FINAL SCENE – “MARY’S WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS”
INT-MARY’S HOUSE-CHRISTMAS DAY
Janie and Ruthie are playing with toys near the tree. Peter and Tilly are standing in the dining room drinking and talking. Harry is sitting on the couch with Miss Davis, drinking and flirting. Annie and Ernie are noodling in a large armchair. All seem happy. Old timey Christmas music is playing.
Joseph takes Mary’s drink out of her hand and places it with his on a side table. He pulls Mary outside, putting on his coat and wraps her in a coat. He takes her to the car and puts her in it.
EXT-GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE-CHRISTMAS DAY
The town is quiet. Snow is falling. Joseph parks at the beginning of the bridge. He gets out of the car and runs around to help Mary out. He holds her hand as they go to the center of the bridge and look down at the frosty river.
JOSEPH
Mary, you did it! The festival was a huge success. It was very kind of you to rally everyone to save Peter’s shop. It’s important for the town. And for you and the girls. I hope that you have seen how devoted I’ve been to you. I can offer you things, but I know that you’re not interested in things. What I want to give you is me.
Joseph reaches in his pocket and pulls out the little blue Tiffany’s box he had earlier. Mary stares at him but doesn’t say a word.
JOSEPH
You know I love you. (chuckling) I’ve told you a million times. (pause) Once you saved someone on this bridge…save me too Mary. Marry me.
Mary looks at Joseph.
MARY
Well…you are the richest man in town.
They are silent. Mary ponders as she looks at the frozen river below. The camera freezes on Mary’s face.
FADE OUT
FADE UP
Title says, “One Year Later”.
We are in Mary’s kitchen once again decked out with Christmas treats, like the regional grape pie. We see Uncle Billy, the dachshund getting a drink of water. Then he runs and we follow him out of the kitchen into the living room. Janie and Ruthie are there in pajamas shaking and counting the presents under the tree. Mary comes into the room from the dining room and sets a Peppermint Pig on the coffee table. It’s a Wonderful Life is on the tv.
MARY
(calling upstairs)
Are you coming? The girls are going to open presents now!
Joseph mimics flying down the stairs.
JOSEPH
Watch out, I’ve got my wings!
He kisses Mary and grabs a spot on the couch. Mary smiles and jumps over the couch to join him.
MARY V.O.
Turns out I love the movie, after all. I didn’t go to an exciting new town, but Seneca Falls can be pretty exciting too. At least once a year…when the purpose of life is to bring joy to others.
It’s the end of It’s a Wonderful Life on the tv and we hear Auld Lang Syne being sung. We pull out of Mary’s house and view the street lined with old Victorians in the snow. Fly over downtown dressed up for Christmas. The church bells ring. And we see the George Bailey bridge.
THE END
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Hey Lisa!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Hi Lisa,
It was so helpful to read your setup and really understand the flow of your story. We’ve all been writing piece-meal and I wasn’t always following the story line.
It seems you have a real handle on how you want this story to come together. The only line that didn’t compute for me was Mary telling Joseph, “well you are the richest man in town”. Was she teasing? Being ironic? I think I need insight into why she says this. With having turned him down so often before, her response doesn’t communicate any great love here, so it leaves me feeling sad rather than happy for them as a couple. Does this make sense?
Anyway, hope this is helpful!
-Anita
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Hi Anita,
Thanks so much for your feedback. The line, “You are the richest man in town” refers to the line repeated in the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”, as well as a line in an earlier scene where Mary tells her best friend that her mom told her daughters that, “it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man, as a poor man.” It’s said sort of tongue in cheek by Mary. I need to make that more transparent.
Thanks again!
Lisa
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Hi Lisa,
Can we exchange feedback?
Thank you,
Michael
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Hi Lisa, sorry for the delay…
Just had the idea that perhaps you could look at Doc Hollywood for how it arcs the main characters journey to want to remain in the town.
My notes are underlined, hopefully there’s something in them you find useful)
Lisa Long’s Completed Third Act
1. SETUP: Give us a paragraph or two about the first two acts so we’ll understand the story.
Mary was voted by the town to take over the annual “It’s a Wonderful Life” (IAWL) festival in Seneca Falls, NY after her mom who usually did it passed away. No one knows that Mary is planning to move to Albany after the festival. Peter, Mary’s ex-husband is a war hero who suffers from PTSD. Mary and Peter have two young daughters, Janie, and Ruthie.
Peter is about to lose his snowmobile shop because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years. — does Peter also blame Santa for lack of snow? maybe his plan has a little retaliation in it and not just money making? how else would he have thought of it
Peter did a stint at NORAD (*gov’t agency that tracks Santa Claus) when he was in the military. — so the military knows Santa is real??? is it believable that the military and all the countries in the world just let Santa do his thing without trying to steal/reproduce his magic?, maybe Peter does want his magic too?
Peter plans to threaten Santa with worldwide exposure if he doesn’t help him by going down chimneys and stealing presents. — so I’m not sure I understand his plan, doesn’t Santa drop off the presents? how are his presents already in the houses? Santa has to reclaim his presents and give them to Peter? why not just steal directly from Santa and take his bag before he delivers? or is that parents bought the presents and Santa has to steal them? and just the houses in Seneca Falls? plan logic is unclear for me
Peter has a guy lined up to fence the presents. The money will save his business. He has until Christmas Day to get the money. To make ends meet, Peter has been going around town and helping people with whatever chores they need. — two prong approach 1. kidnap Santa (bad) 2. help people around town with chores (good), this dichotomy is interesting that he’s not all bad but slightly confusing
Mary enlists the townspeople to play parts in the festival and parade. Joseph has proposed to Mary on more than one occasion, but Mary keeps turning him down. Joseph is angry when Mary finally tells him that she’s leaving town.
2. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.
Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa Claus from the North Pole. (Tilly thinks Peter is making it all up until they get there.) Peter brings Santa back to town. — isn’t kidnapping Santa late in the story? wouldn’t Plot Point 1 be more appropriate and no later than the Midpoint??? the kidnapping is a major change and you need time to explore the excellent idea of having Santa in captivity
3. CRISIS — The decision point.
It is snowing after three years! — how/why? Santa???
Mary goes to the police to get their help with finding Peter and Santa. They laugh at her. Mary knows she has to thwart Peter’s plan herself.
NORAD agents (*comic relief characters), Dash and Donna have been assigned to find Peter and Santa Claus. Dash and Donna are tracking Peter, Santa, and Tilly. Peter takes Santa to his snowmobile shop. Peter and Tilly dress as Santa too, so he and Santa blend in with all the people dressed as Santa for the 5k Santa run. — maybe Santa can make a snowmobile fly?
The community center catches on fire. — Uncle Billy losing the money and causing the problem was plausible enough with Potter finding it, who is responsible for the fire? arson? feels random
Mary and her fellow volunteer firefighters get it out. Mary has to move some of the festivities to the Women’s Rights Museum across the street. But Mary’s father, Harry locks her in the Women’s Rights Museum with her sister Violet to force them to reconcile their differences. — I suggest thinking about putting many of the plot events above in the 2nd Act, there’s too much going on for the crisis scene, which I believe is supposed to be really just one emotional scene, perhaps the fire could be the plot point 2 with the aftermath of the fire scene being the crisis???, not sure just playing
4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
Mary dressed as Santa Claus, switches places with the real Santa and tries to talk Peter out of stealing from the town. — actually…isn’t this be the emotional Crisis scene?!?
The NORAD agents shoot at them on the roof of a house that Peter intends to burglar. Mary throws herself in front of Peter and falls off the roof. Was she hit? Peter gives up to the agents because he thinks Mary as been shot. The incompetent NORAD agents missed. Joseph, Mary’s boyfriend is in the yard watching. He catches Mary when she falls, and they end up in a snowbank.
Santa convinces the bumbling NORAD agents to let Peter go if he agrees to meet them the next day. They let Peter go. Santa tells Peter that he could have left at any time but stayed to try and help him. He summons the reindeer and takes off.
To push the Climax, Peter and Mary’s daughter Janie is lost at the IAWF parade. They hug. Mary kisses Peter and then they run off to find Janie.
5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.
Mary finds Janie in the nativity scene at the church. Poignant moment where Janie expresses that she doesn’t want to leave Seneca Falls. Town sings Christmas carol. Looks like Peter might be the one as they embrace at finding Janie okay. — part of climax
The next day, Christmas Day, Peter goes to see the NORAD agents at the hotel. As he comes out to the street afterwards, the whole town is there. They tell Peter that they have used the money from the festival to pay off his mortgage and save his shop from foreclosure. One by one people tell how much Peter means to them. Joseph has agreed to finance next year’s festival.
Later, at Mary’s old Victorian house there is a party of people there including Peter and Mary’s sisters, father, and Mary’s best friend, Annie and her husband, Ernie.
6. FINAL PAGE
Joseph and Mary are on the George Bailey bridge. Joseph proposes one last time, saying, “You saved someone on this bridge once, save me Mary. Marry me.” Mary says, “Well…you are the richest man in town.” Freeze frame on Mary’s face. Fade Out. — part of resolution?
Screen says “One Year Later” — Final page?
Fade up on Mary’s kitchen we follow Uncle Billy, the dachshund from the kitchen to the living room where Janie and Ruthie are shaking presents. Mary comes in the room and yells, “Are you coming? The girls are going to open presents now!” Joseph comes bounding down the stairs and says, “Watch out. I’ve got my wings!!” He kisses Mary and grabs a spot on the couch. Mary says, “And you’ve given me mine!” Mary smiles and jumps over the back of the couch to join him. It’s the end of It’s a Wonderful Life on tv and we hear Auld Lang Syne being sung.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of
the whole movie.
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Hi Lisa – I jumped in.Please feel free to find mine and do the same!
Love the Mary and Joseph names !!
In fact all your naming is great!
Questions I have:
• Why does the town decide to help Peter financially now when they didn’t before?
• Not sure what role Violet has play in the arc of the story -does she somehow effect Mary to be Different? What are their differences and how do they impact the story?
• it is a sweet gentle film – what age group?
• is there a scene between Peter and Joseph?
• Is Tilly who Peter ends up with ? (and who is she)
• Is Janie being lost a catalyst to bringing Peter and Mary together? a sort of ‘fake’ ending?
I felt like I want to know more about why Mary helps Peter so much.. is there a struggle there?guilt?
It is always hard to tell from summarys but I feel like there’s not a lot of hard emotional a conflict for people to have high stakes here – maybe it is in the dialogue scenes.
I like the references and close analogy the Wonderful Life story!
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Hi Kate,
Thank you for the feedback.
Questions I have:
• Why does the town decide to help Peter financially now when they didn’t before?
Earlier in the movie we see Peter helping various townspeople. He’s born and raised in Seneca Falls, so everyone knows him and knows that he has suffered PTSD since returning from the war.
• Not sure what role Violet has play in the arc of the story -does she somehow effect Mary to be Different? What are their differences and how do they impact the story?
Violet is Mary’s sister who has always been her rival. While Mary is the steady, strong sister, Violet is the single, “player” sister who flirts with every man, including Joseph. Mary only took the organizing of the festival so that Violet wouldn’t get it.
• it is a sweet gentle film – what age group?
I’m hoping it can appeal to all.
• is there a scene between Peter and Joseph?
There is only a very brief moment between them, but I think it will help the story to show that awkward relationship and so I plan to beef that scene up.
• Is Tilly who Peter ends up with? (and who is she) Tilly is Mary’s other sister, the practical middle sister who can see all sides of a situation. Worried about Peter, she has been looking out for him. They end up together.
• Is Janie being lost a catalyst to bringing Peter and Mary together? a sort of ‘fake’ ending?
Yes. Will Peter and Mary or Josephe and Mary end up together? It’s a tease. Also, a catalyst to explain why Mary stays in town. Her daughters don’t want to leave.
I felt like I want to know more about why Mary helps Peter so much.. is there a struggle there?guilt?
Mary feels somewhat responsible for watching out for Peter for her daughter’s sake. She knows what he went through with the war. And as high school sweethearts, who grew up together, she knows him best. But it’s her struggle, to move on and finally say yes to Joseph.
It’s been a struggle for me to decide if Mary ends up with Joseph, goes back to Peter, or ends up in her own.
I still have a lot of work to do.
Appreciate your feedback!
I will read yours soon.
Lisa
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Hey Lisa!
Here’s what I loved about your ending!
I love the set pieces and setting. It’s the epitome of Christmas magic.
I love the self referential humor the characters use. It draws us in because it feels like they’re joking about the setting right along with us.
I think Peter being a stand-in for a more tragic George Bailey, like “what if George really did jump, but Mary was there to save him,” is a really interesting choice for this character and opens up a lot of doors to engage the audience throughout the movie. There’s immediate buy-in because no matter what similarities this movie will have to the holiday classic, there’s that one crucial deviation that convinces us that we’re going into uncharted waters.
What I have questions about…
There’s a lot going on in your third act. Your Crisis, Climax, Resolution and Final Page descriptions are each as long as your Setup explanation that covers 75% of the movie, and they feel like they contain as much information. Some of this may be the the Setup needs more detail (I’ve commented a number of times that Hal’s request for the setup to be one to two paragraphs in length is a lofty goal, and potentially robs the reviewer from fully understanding the third act). Some of this might be having too many storylines to keep up with going into the final act. I was thinking of the first DOWNTON ABBEY movie and how many plots and subplots it tries to resolve in its third act, as a comparison to this. DOWNTON ABBEY has some advantages in that it was a successful tv show for several years, and a number of the characters have already been well established. Still, it’s not to say it couldn’t be done with no pre-established characters, but it’s asking a lot to fit the amount of information you have here in thirty pages or less. IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE handles its entire third act with it just being about George. All of the characters in the story that we’ve gotten to know have been developed to be background so that we can see what George brought to their lives. The main argument being debated throughout the third act is whether George’s life meant anything. It’s easier to analyze this film like its a courtroom drama to see its structure. We’re introduced to “the case” from the get-go. We know Clarence is going to be debating George Bailey for his soul (Clarence vs. George Bailey for whether George’s life is worthless). The next two acts are mounting evidence. We the jury-I mean audience-are given eye witness accounts and testimony. Then in the third act, the closing arguments are given in cinematic excellence, with Clarence winning the court battle, and George gaining important wisdom and freedom. Every story told is a debate on an idea, and many aren’t so on the nose in their structure as IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. Aside from the line “the purpose of life is to bring joy to others,” it’s difficult for me to tell what this story’s about. We have Peter grappling with PTSD, the loss of his business, and moral ramifications of kidnapping Saint Nick. Just looking at his story, we have a range of themes, but I’ll settle on the question “Should we handle our own problems, or ask others for help?” Then we have Mary’s story, where she’s managing the annual “It’s a Wonderful Life Festival,” while also saving Santa, helping her ex-husband cope, struggling with the decision to return to her ex or marry Joseph (a love triangle), learning to accept her sister, and finding a way to forgive her dad for moving on from mom so quickly, as well as putting out a literal fire. Her life appears as chaos incarnate. If I had to go with a theme that her story seems to be communicating, it’d be either “the more you try to manage other people’s lives, the less control you’ll have over your own,” or “Does the past have intrinsic value over the ‘new?’” It’s a totally different theme from Peter’s. I’ll refrain from analyzing the other characters in this way, because I think Peter and Mary carry the story’s theme, while the other characters are more like the characters in IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE: background, color, affirmations of ideas that our lead won’t say out loud. I think there’s a lot here that works in concept (the festival, kidnapping Santa) but I think the ending doesn’t pack the narrative punch it can because it’s trying to do too much. It’s like Mr. Miyagi taught in THE KARATE KID; the power of the punch comes from the whole body’s strength and speed channeled through the small point of the first two knuckles. The more that power is spread out, the less it achieves in the end. If you want to keep the theme “the purpose of life is to bring joy to others,” then start by removing all of the dialogue and look at how every character’s action drums this thematic point like the banging of a gong.
I hope I’m not being too critical, because I love what you’re doing here with this story. It has so much potential as a modern day IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, and I believe it’s going to become an amazing addition to the collection of holiday movies that we watch with our families.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Hi Cam,
Thank you for the feedback! It has given me so much to think about. I was going for chaos in Mary’s life, but maybe I overdid it. I thought that the chaos is more like real life and what women often deal with…doing most everything…especially when they are single mothers. I’m not trying to re-create IAWL. But something new.
Also, I’ve been worried about lag in the story and keeping it moving. But I think your comments have me given me a reason to take a step back and streamline the story…focus the third act. I appreciate your kind and constructive words!
Lisa
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Cameron Martin’s Completed Third Act
What I learned doing this assignment is…This is basically taking the last few lessons and outlining them so you have a map to follow for maximizing the emotional payoff of your script. That said, having a map when your script is already too long can still make it challenging to keep it under 100 pages. So, rather than try to shoehorn and grind out an ending I don’t love, I decided to go back and try to fix some of the other areas, so that I can freely write the ending I’m looking for, without the concern of going over my limit. In addition to that, I’m just posting the ending outline below. I’ll write those last ten pages, along with what’s left of my third act after some feedback.
SETUP:
A young space colony on the fringes of an interplanetary empire known as The Hegemony seeks to terraform a new world. Though the process is almost complete, a major threat has surfaced time and again in the form of hostile parasitic snail-like creatures that take control of a host body and use it to hunt and eat the other colonists. Among the colonists are a father and Aspie son, Sully and Isaiah, who are still overcoming the loss of the mother in this relationship, Beth, who was killed by these creatures. Sully keeps a picture of Beth as a memento and inspiration for how to help and protect his son.
Then, another outbreak occurs. Sully and Isaiah are late to take refuge in the safety of the bunker, and must find a way inside to be safe from not only the aliens but the exterminators that are on route to kill anything and anyone caught outside of the bunker. They receive the help of an old woman, Jude, in surviving an initial wave of aliens. Jude reveals herself to be a spy for The Hegemony, and was sent to help cover up The Hegemony’s knowledge and involvement of the outbreaks. Jude was caught outside the bunker because she was infected with alien spore eggs prior, and Sully has to euthanize her with a lethal injection before she turns.
While this is going on, we’re also introduced to Markus, a priest and refugee aboard a Hegemony passenger ship. Markus, along with the other passengers are conscripted to fight aliens. Markus wants to lay low and try to avoid conflict, citing his oath as a religious man, but is placed into a situation where he either has to kill a mutineer and live, or be killed with the mutineer. Markus in a moment of panic kills the mutineer, breaking his sacred oath.
Back on the colony, Sully discovers amidst the few documents that weren’t destroyed by Jude that there is a way inside the bunker. Isaiah wants to join him, hoping to possibly see a worm nest outside the colony. Scared that he might lose his son to his son’s own obsession, Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe, opting to venture out to the bunker alone to make sure it’s safe. What he finds in the bunker is that everyone has been turned into an alien host. He gets trapped inside, but Isaiah is able to save him after escaping from the closet.
2. PLOT POINT 2:
Sully is rushing to get away from the hosts pursuing him and Isaiah, but Isaiah pushes back, arguing they should go a different way. With adrenaline and hysteria still pumping through his veins, Sully pushes Isaiah forward, which results in Isaiah falling through a broken part of the walkway. This fall breaks Isaiah’s mask and leads to him getting infected, moments away from when the exterminators will arrive to kill them.
3. CRISIS:
Sully gives the picture of Beth to Isaiah as a peace offering and tries his best to control the situation, even grabbing Jude’s notes and trying to use them for leverage. But when he’s pinned down and out of options, he finally asks Isaiah to take the lead and get them to a medical area where Sully can try to save his son.
4. CLIMAX:
Isaiah uses every trick in his arsenal to get himself and Sully aboard the passenger vessel, but loses the picture along the way. Once they’re inside the ship’s medical bay, with exterminators and military officers trying to break in, Sully works fast to extract the spore eggs that are rapidly growing inside Isaiah’s chest, as well as laying out all of Jude’s documents and playing her recordings. He’s successful in this operation, saving his son just as the exterminators and offers break into the medical bay to execute them.
5. RESOLUTION:
The exterminators break their way end, finding the documents and a cured Isaiah with his pleading father. Markus is among the exterminators, and through seeing and hearing Jude’s notes on the Hegemony’s coverup, leads a campaign of mutiny against his military handlers. While the coup is not accepted by the majority of exterminators, Markus is still able to get Sully and Isaiah to an escape ship and send them off world, after he gets the two to promise to spread this coverup far and wide so everyone will know.
6. FINAL PAGE:
Sully puts the documents aside and tucks Isaiah into his cryo-sleep chamber. Isaiah apologizes for losing a picture of his mom that meant so much to Sully, but Sully tells his son that it was just a picture, and that his real mom can be found within them and how they work together.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE:
Sully and Isaiah lay side by side, together.
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Hi Cameron,
Can we exchange feedback?
Thank you,
Michael
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Hey Michael!
I’d love to!
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Hi Cameron,
Here’s a bit of feedback to consider as much as you feel appropriate…
MK notes on Cameron Martin’s Completed Third Act
2. PLOT POINT 2:
This fall breaks Isaiah’s mask and leads to him getting infected, moments away from when the exterminators will arrive to kill them. — sooo brutal and devastating, maybe Sully also had a hand in Beth’s accidental death too? (perhaps a parallel and already festering guilt to play with)
3. CRISIS:
he finally asks Isaiah to take the lead and get them to a medical area where Sully can try to save his son. — so Sully has to change and view his son as trustworthy and plenty capable
4. CLIMAX:
but loses the picture along the way… Isaiah apologizes for losing a picture of his mom that meant so much to Sully, but Sully tells his son that it was just a picture, and that his real mom can be found within them and how they work together — I might put this part here and have Sully, now changed, give his son the advice/encouragement/love of a fully trusting/present father
…break into the medical bay to execute them.
The exterminators break their way in … Markus is still able to get Sully and Isaiah to an escape ship — I would treat this as part of the climax
5. RESOLUTION:
Markus sends them off world, after he gets the two to promise to spread this coverup far and wide so everyone will know. — so this is a believable story and I wonder if it is because the ending is relatively small in scale – father and son survive, but since you don’t have the coup being successful there’s no immediate battle won, no saving of more people, no real hope of bringing down Hegemony or unraveling of the empire, just having the documents and a promise feels slightly unsatisfying, certainly not saying anyone here should be Luke Skywalker but perhaps wondering whether you are missing an opportunity to slightly push the credulity a little bit further here, In War of the Worlds Tom Cruise saves his family from the aliens and at the end of the film the alien threat is over so we feel satisfied, maybe we need just a little bit more to be satisfied, maybe rethink whether the coup was successful and perhaps Isaiah could sense that a certain person on the ship was the key bad guy and he helps take this guy out and this will make Markus have a more likely opportunity to correct a few things going on the planet, another area perhaps – maybe if you go with Sully having an accidental role in Beth’s death he could learn the truth that it was someone else who actually played the role and he could also get closure and heal that wound
6. FINAL PAGE:
Sully puts the documents aside and tucks Isaiah into his cryo-sleep chamber — Indiana Jones somehow always finds his hat and perhaps Sully should find Beth’s picture either in an unlikely place on Isaiah or stuck in the documents, but having worked together and healed their relationship the two of them sure have earned the reward of finding Beth’s photo
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE:
Sully and Isaiah lay side by side, together. — excellent
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Thanks for your detailed notes, Michael!
Taking it point by point like that makes it really easy to read. I love that you picked up on Sully having a hand in Beth’s death. I wanted to include more detail on that in the Setup, but felt the emphasis should be focused solely on Sully and Isaiah. I’ll definitely consider your notes on placing that moment that shows Sully’s changed in the Climax. I have a different exchange there instead, but you make a great point from a story structure standpoint. As to the note on Jude’s documents leading to something more definitive for The Hegemony in this script, I’ve seen that movie in SERENITY. Besides not wanting to copy the ending from that film, I did want to keep this chapter intimate. It’s about a father and son overcoming grief. The world they live in just happens to be huge. The reason WAR OF THE WORLDS can end the way it does is that it fits right along with its message on how small and insignificant we can be: powerless against both beings from another world and organisms too small for us to see. However, I can see where if I set up too much in the attempt of leaving you wanting more, that can cause problems as well (see BATMAN V. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE). You have some great ideas for a more conclusive ending, and I’ll be sure to brainstorm some quick logic maps to see how they could work.
Thanks again!
Cam
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Hi Cameron, Anna here. Would you care to give the exchange thing another go? I am available to read yours first thing Sunday. Thanks
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That’d be amazing Anna!
I’ll have my V.2 posted momentarily! Can’t wait to read your notes tomorrow!
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Cameron Martin’s Completed Third Act (V.2)
1. SETUP:
A young space colony on the fringes of an interplanetary empire known as The Hegemony seeks to terraform a new world. Though the process is almost complete, a major threat has surfaced time and again in the form of hostile parasitic snail-like creatures that take control of a host body and use it to hunt and eat the other colonists. Among the colonists are a father and Aspie son, Sully and Isaiah, who are still overcoming the loss of the mother in this relationship, Beth, who was killed by these creatures. Sully keeps a picture of Beth as a memento and inspiration for how to help and protect his son. He needs it, because while he tries to control every aspect of Isaiah’s life in the pursuit of protecting him, Isaiah’s initial fear of the aliens has developed into an obsession with them, and drives him to seek out the dangerous parasites.
Then, another outbreak occurs. Sully and Isaiah are late to take refuge in the safety of the bunker. This becomes Sully’s main objective: to find a way inside. This is because they have more on their plate than just the aliens. Exterminators are on route to kill anything and anyone caught outside of the bunker. They receive the help of an old woman, Jude, in surviving an initial wave of aliens. Jude reveals herself to be a spy for The Hegemony, and was sent to help cover up The Hegemony’s knowledge and involvement of the outbreaks. What exactly is being covered up? Their terraforming process doesn’t work exactly as promised, and was responsible for wiping out a keystone species that kept the alien parasites’ population in check. This may be true on other worlds as well, where the alien ecosystems are thrown out of balance, and Hegemony just keeps sending citizens looking for a new life among the stars to a potentially dangerous situation. Jude was caught outside the bunker only because she was infected with alien spore eggs prior. She chooses to accept her fate, but spends her final moments connecting with Isaiah, who reminds her of the granddaughter she wanted to be with in the end. It’s a moment for Sully to reflect and see the relationship Isaiah’s been missing. But when Jude’s condition worsens, Sully has to euthanize her and the eggs hatching inside of her with a lethal injection.
While this is going on, we’re also introduced to Markus, a priest and refugee aboard a Hegemony passenger ship. Markus, along with the other passengers are conscripted to become the Exterminators previously referenced. Markus wants to lay low and try to avoid conflict, citing his oath as a religious man, but is placed into a situation where he either has to kill a mutineer and live, or be killed with the mutineer. Markus in a moment of panic kills the mutineer, breaking his sacred oath.
Back on the colony, Sully discovers amidst the few documents that weren’t destroyed by Jude that there is a way inside the bunker. Isaiah wants to join him, hoping to possibly see a worm nest outside the colony. Scared that he might lose Isaiah to the boy’s own obsession, Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe, opting to venture out to the bunker alone to verify Jude’s map. What he finds in the bunker is that everyone has been turned into an alien host. He gets trapped inside, but Isaiah is able to save him after escaping from the closet.
2. PLOT POINT 2:
Sully is rushing to get away from the hosts pursuing him and Isaiah, but Isaiah pushes back, arguing they should go a different way. With adrenaline and hysteria still pumping through his veins, Sully pushes Isaiah forward, which results in Isaiah falling through a broken part of the walkway. This fall breaks Isaiah’s mask and leads to him getting infected, moments away from when the exterminators will arrive to kill them.
3. CRISIS:
Sully gives the picture of Beth to Isaiah as a peace offering and tries his best to control the situation, even grabbing Jude’s notes and trying to use them for leverage. But when he’s pinned down and out of options, he finally asks Isaiah to take the lead and get them to a medical area where Sully can try to save his son.
4. CLIMAX:
Isaiah uses every trick in his arsenal to get himself and Sully aboard the passenger vessel, but loses the picture along the way. In the process, they’re able to help the exterminators overcome the alien hosts. Once Sully and Isaiah are inside the ship’s medical bay, with exterminators and military officers trying to break in, Sully works fast to extract the spore eggs that are rapidly growing inside Isaiah’s chest, as well as laying out all of Jude’s documents and playing her recordings. He comforts Isaiah in this invasive procedure, by telling a story about his mother and what she was willing to sacrifice for him; it’s the first time Sully’s opened up about her since her death. He’s successful in this operation, saving his son just as the exterminators and offers break into the medical bay to execute them.
5. RESOLUTION:
Markus is among the exterminators, and through seeing and hearing Jude’s notes on the Hegemony’s coverup, leads a campaign of mutiny against his military handlers. With a full revolt against the Hegemony officers and military in charge, Markus is able to get Sully and Isaiah to an escape ship and send them off world. In exchange, he gets the two to promise that they will spread this coverup far and wide so everyone will know. Sully knows that Markus expects him and Isaiah to incite an interplanetary revolution.
6. FINAL PAGE:
Sully puts the documents aside and tucks Isaiah into his cryo-sleep chamber. Isaiah apologizes for losing a picture of his mom that meant so much to Sully, but Sully tells his son that it was just a picture, and that his real mom can be found within them and how they work together.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE:
Sully and Isaiah lay side by side, together.
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hey Cameron! Got mine in a bit late this time…you able to do one more exchange?
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Hey Matthew!
Absolutely! I’ll be sure to review your ending tomorrow morning!
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Critique for Cameron Martin
Hello Cam,
I am fascinated with your story. The complex relationship between father and son, not to mention the whole snail-like alien situation. I wonder about the origin of Hegemony…it works! At the end, when they get into the cryo-sleep chamber, are they on the escape ship? It’s not quite clear. I thought maybe it was the future.
Also, I thought in another version I read that Isaiah and Sully die in the chambers? Maybe I misread that version.
It may just be me, but I don’t fully understand Markus. Is he to show good in the world…and how fragile it is…since he kills a mutineer to save himself? Your Jude character is stellar.
Overall, your movie is setup nicely for a sequel…I’d like to see what happens during the interplanetary revolution too!
I’d appreciate any feedback you can provide with my ending.
Thanks, Lisa
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Hey Lisa!
I’ll be more than happy to give some feedback! I’ll get right on that this evening!
Thank you so much for the awesome feedback! Yes, they get away on an escape ship. Nope, they don’t both die (I’m mean to my characters, but I’m an optimist at heart and thoroughly enjoy seeing them succeed). I get what you mean with Markus. He’s very complex, but maybe not in the best way he could be. He’s got a lot of influences being juggled from the episode “Pals” from OUR WORLD WAR and THE BOOK OF JONAH from the BIBLE. I’ll keep an open mind to any changes that may improve his arc. I appreciate all the love for Jude! She’s the only character that’s pretty much been unchanged going back to the first version of this story.
Thanks again, and I can’t wait to see your ending!
Cam
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Hey Cameron!
That is one strong ending! Loving it!
I’ve read a lot of your story and I think this wraps it up well. It has a nice focus on the father-son relationship and deals well with the emotional angles brought up throughout. I also like the conspiracy twist. I think most everything works well.
2 points to bring up:
1) I do think the crisis could be laid out more emotionally. Usually I do this by making it once sentence with an emotional choice. For instance, it seems to be “Should Sully keep being in charge or trust Isiah to take the lead?” It could be different than that, but that’s one example. Something simple and emotional to the story.
2) the only thing I thought could be strengthened was Jude’s notes. Is there a way to make it something more physical? Maybe she traps them inside of Isiah somehow, so if he dies, they die with him? Or something that’s not as static as notes. I think it works as is, but could be stronger possibly.
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Hey Matthew!
Thank you for the props! I’m glad I could end it with a punch!
I like your observation on getting that emotional choice down to one sentence. It’s a great idea for keeping a fixed target for the other scenes to follow. Great point on Jude’s notes feeling static. I’ll brainstorm some ideas on how to make that angle more cinematic.
Thanks again!
Cam
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Cameron,
Since I’m late to the party, I’ll be brief. I really like your ending – a lot. For me, there is an expectation that father and son will have much to do in the future together (sequels!!!) in order to stop the Hegemony but – until then – they have found something solid and deep for themselves. In short, heal yourself, heal the world. If this was a prescient view of our future, knowing that the ones who work to save humanity have already done the hard work on themselves, would assure me a lot more confidence in a future.
I love sci-fi and I really, really like this story!
Dev
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Hey Dev!
Thank you so much! I’m over the moon that this story is receiving this kind of adulation. It means a lot. And your observations are spot on with what this story’s about.
I’ll get right to reading your ending!
Thanks again!
Cam
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Hi Cameron, sorry I hit the wrong button. My notes to you have disappeared so here we go again.
Your whole script description is very easy to comprehend, which is quite a feat in itself as the movie is complex.
Will you give some sort of show don’t tell, reveal of why the terraforming did not work?
Sci-fi buffs love to jump on anything they cannot get their heads around or think is incorrect according to their thinking. So something that would either fit with current terraforming knowledge or some Star Trek (unable to argue with flummery) could work.
What age group is this going to be rated for?
Watching invasive procedures is not a good thing for kids, maybe not even teenagers, perhaps detailed warnings are in order. (Though I did take my son to see Pulp Fiction on purpose for the needle in the chest scene, without warning.)
Liked the moral conflict between conscripted passengers and the holy man.
Do we get to see Isaiah escaping the closet like Houdini or the skill of Sherlock on Elementary? I am sure this must be a special space-age closet.
Wonder how the exterminator scene will be actually manifested, as to how does one persuade or change the minds of people in such a chaotic situation? (Can only think of the soliloquy at the end of Kindom of Heaven/Godfrey)
Final Image. This will have them all crying and talking over coffee and Twitter after the movie.
As the ‘original’ Isaiah predicted the coming of Jesus and saving us all, wondering if the name for your wunderkind is on purpose? Hegemony is a great word. Wondering if there is a way, like in the movie Divergent, to educate without being pedantic, your audience to understand the concept of the name?
I enjoyed the read. Fingers crossed you get this made. Best Wishes Anna.
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Hi Anna!
No problem at all! I’m glad I was able to get everything down to where it’s easy to explain.
I’m not going to lie, the sci-fi stuff is something I’m trying to keep as grounded as possible, but there may still be some hand waving explanation. To my knowledge, the limited series CHERNOBYL has been the only media for entertainment to go into deep, scientific detail on the process of converting nuclear fission into energy. This was naturally crucial to understanding exactly what went wrong and why we should be upset with the politics that allowed it to happen. If there’s a way to break down the theoretical science of terraforming in the way CHERNOBYL or THE MARTIAN handle their respective sciences, I’ll definitely give it my best shot.
This is going to be a R rated film. I’m sure there’re ways to shoot it to keep it PG-13 (like how A QUIET PLACE was filmed), but I’m not going to kid myself with the subject material being what it is.
We do get to see Isaiah escape the closet, and there’s a lot of setup to how Isaiah pulls this feat off. The scenes were we see Isaiah’s intelligence at work are some of my favorites.
I’ll say I’m still a little torn with the ending. On one hand, it’s MUCH more believable that Markus doesn’t really change anyone’s minds. On the other hand, a full revolt is more dramatic and potentially foreshadows events to come. I’m sure I’ll come up with something.
To your point on names, I’m glad you picked up on them. There is a specific reason for every name. I don’t exactly explain any of the names, though.
I’ve got my fingers crossed as well! I can’t wait to watch your series with my family!
Thanks again!
Cam
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Thank you! Always a pleasure.
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Hello Cameron,
I just want to say how I see your story develops, getting details, exchanging. And developing new characters!…
I wish to exchange review with you, as you are very good about it, I’m just shy. I know I would benefit more from it. I don’t know what I can add to what you doing! That’s a huge endeavor already. Maybe just don’t over do it, with details of what is where, when he gets away from closet. From another side to be able to write all that is a lot! I just keep thinking of my mistakes I maybe did with my previous screenplay, but not with this one, definitely. If you would still read my post bellow, I wish you enjoy that.
I still think, how Christianity plays with all the horror stuff. Do you think of it? Or are worms just part of Creation? I wonder. Have rights to exist then, the way you imply. By the way, your ending really gets into terms! It’s just that I am not about horror movies, you know. But I like this stuff with Jude, and their dialogues. That’s not always clear, if you presuppose a comedy, like when he says to Isaiah “we still need to discuss your choises”, about keeping worm as a pet. Is it how I think to laugh over? Would you specify, what’s at background, for him as he saying that, and for audience, maybe using “add emotions”, I think it was Writing with Bolding class. The same for Marcus, when he shots Apollo. It’s not very clear, is he hypnotised, though he is consciously giving Apollo his hints, … is he afraid to be overheard, is he honest? But that’s doesn’t go that deep, I don’t think you really have consider that. Bigger problem is, it’s on the surface it’s personal, man and his kid… So often what you do is just getting out of mind pattern. Get slightly more objective, and you are fine. I hope I didn’t hurt you saying that. Good Luck! 🙂
Alice
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Hey Alice!
Great comment on the details. It’s been an Achilles Heel for me for years, and the great struggle remains how to get everything I want into fewer than 100 pages.
I don’t really consider how the logistics of Judeo-Christian beliefs fit into this world beyond the foundational ethics with which they operate from. Much of the story is told through this argument between moral absolutism versus utilitarianism, from the lens of control versus cooperation. The aliens provide both the horror and a real world comparison with how our actions have an impact on nature, and how that circles back to harm us (cane toads, fire ant, and killer bees as a couple of examples), while The Hegemony’s actions and cover ups hopefully remind of similar systems (The USSR and Chernobyl as an example) and how they operate by holding the lie in higher regard than human life. And I’ve never been much of a horror guy myself, but figured if I’m good at it and it’s easier to break into the industry through this genre, then I’d better give it my best shot.
As to the humor and character motivations, I see there’s still a good bit of fine tuning needed on my part. Black comedy or gallows humor is a way that many people cope with difficult circumstances, and when we’re cornered by stress, our lizard brains often force us to make choices that contradict our morals and beliefs. That said, it’s not very helpful if the audience doesn’t get a clear understanding of how X-Event led to Y-Action.
Totally understand being shy. I’m often a bit of a wallflower myself. I’m more than happy to review your ending and offer any feedback I can! I really want to see everyone here succeed!
Thanks again!
Cam
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Hi Cameron,
I REALLY like your final image… really the perfect way to portray closure for a complicated father / son relationship.
Markus is also (for me) a key character who carries the moral and ethical weight of all the action. I haven’t read all your scenes but I hope he is well developed to have us, the audience, considering all the ramifications of this terra-forming expedition, especially since it is the humans that are the aliens here, and not the spores or worms. Perhaps Jude’s documents also have us considering this?
What is Sully’s main goal? (Besides the obvious of keeping his son alive)…. I mean, why is he on this planet? Is Terra-forming his life’s work, that he really believes in? If this goal were clear to me I’d be able to comment more precisely about the final structure.
I see Sully as losing his goal (colonizing a planet) but gaining what he really needs – a connection with his son. If this is your intent, then you achieved it! The skill mastery sheet was designed to help us analyze actual scene dialogue, etc, so I will only say here that I look forward to reading your third act!
BTW, I also think Jude the Wise Woman is a good vehicle for learning what we really need to know.
I always enjoy a good sci-fi!
Best,
Anita
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Thank you for the motivating notes Anita!
Pretty much had everything spot on, which tells me I did a decent job explaining the necessary stuff in the Setup. I will say Sully’s just a medical doctor among hundreds of colonists, and his main goal is extremely simple (get inside the bunker), which was kind of the point. I didn’t want a complex plot because I tend to get bogged down when there’s too much going on. When the bunker is no longer an option, the goal/plot shifts to another easy to identify finish line, saving Isaiah. It may be too simple, but it allows me to focus on what I really care about which is high concept action and character relationships. Anywho, I’ll be sure to better explain some of the points on Sully in a follow up post, as well has try to actually include some pages from the script.
Thanks again!
Cam
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PS81 – Dana’s Completed Third Act
What I learned Doing This Assignment
I learned that every setup and reveal through the script leads to the final page and to one final line or image. The climax has to be thrilling, and the resolution wraps things up, but the final line fulfills the emotion of your script to satisfy your audience.
FIRST TIME CALLER
SETUP
OPENING: After her patient attempts suicide during a session, Dr. Ellen Landy quits private practice to become a talk radio psychologist at a San Francisco radio station. But low ratings, due to her inability to connect with callers, results in her show beings cancelled. INCITING INCIDENT: During her last show, Ellen receives a call from Jason, an ex-patient, who threatens to harm her family, then drops the call. Panicked, Ellen tries but fails contact her husband and learns her daughters have not yet arrived at school. The police are called.
Detective Jack Sorensen, a streetwise cop under investigation for violating a suspect’s civil rights, is assigned to investigate a “dirty phone call” by his lieutenant to get him out of sight out of mind. At the station, he interviews Ellen, who’s still not able to contact her family. Ellen tells Sorensen about Jason, though he suspects she’s holding back. He assures her it’s probably a communication problem. He starts looking for her family and calls Jason’s current psychiatrist. In the meantime, the show’s producer screens a call from Ryan and schedules him on the caller list. Sorensen speaks to Jason’s psychiatrist and learns Jason suffers from DID (dissociative identity disorder) and that he was the patient who shot himself during his session with Ellen. However, Ellen knew him as William, one of Jason’s multiple personalities.
Ellen takes the call from Ryan who reveals his relationship to Jason, and that he has kidnapped Ellen’s husband and two daughters. He and the other personalities have grown weary of Jason’s life, and Ryan demands Ellen excise Jason from their lives. To force her cooperation, he threatens to kill one member of her family every hour on air until she forces Jason into “the dark.” Ellen pleads with Ryan to stop, while Sorensen and the police race against time to find Ryan, only to be misled to a false location. The first hour gone, Ryan kills Ellen’s husband for not fulfilling his demand. Ellen collapses in shock, and is consoled by Sorensen, who encourages her to continue to saver her daughters. When she resumes, she engages Bobby, Jason’s ten-year-old personality, but he refuses to help Ellen because “that would be cheating.” Ellen manipulates Bobby into letting Jason speak to his sister, but before his sister can persuade Jason to surrender, Ryan resumes control and threatens Ellen’s family for breaking his rules. Ellen, overcome by hate for Ryan, challenges him and diagnoses his personality, enthralling his ego. She plays on his vanity, convincing him to let her bring forward one of Jason’s personalities who can take control and send Jason into the dark. His name is William.
PLOT POINT 2
After great hardship, Ellen successfully brings William from the dark, believing the terrible situation will pressure his depressive personality into committing suicide and save her daughters.
CRISIS
Jason’s psychiatrist, working with police, tells them Ellen has made a dangerous error. William didn’t try to commit suicide. He tried to kill the other personalities. He’s not suicidal. He’s a psychopath, like Ryan. And now she’s dealing with two of them. William, realizing why Ellen called him from the dark, decides to throw in with Ryan and take control of Jason. And although he’s sorry for what Ryan has done, her children are not his concern.
CLIMAX
Ellen pits the two psychotic personalities against one another, telling William that Ryan has cursed him and the other personalities by killing her husband. That he (William) will be sent back to the darkness, trapped in the abyss with the others forever once they send Jason to prison. She plays on his jealousy and anger, igniting the hate between the two personalities. Ryan drags Ellen’s oldest daughter into the room and threatens to kill her. With her daughter screaming in the background, Ellen escalates the battle between Ryan and William until the sound of a gunshot is heard and the call drops. Then silence. Ellen waits in horror until Sorensen burst into the studio. SWAT has reached the scene. Jason is dead. Her daughters are saved.
RESOLUTION
Sorensen walks Ellen to a waiting police car to take her to her daughters. She tries to thank him, but she’s too emotional for words. It’s their final moment.
Sorensen returns to the police station to a hero’s welcome. He wraps up the investigation with his team, resolving on the last details. But there are nagging questions. He’s told forget it. The case is over. Sitting as his desk, he receives a call from another psychiatrist. Jason had been under a ten-day observation at the county hospital but under a different name and only released that morning. Sorensen investigates and learns it’s true. Jason was held under another personality, that could not have planned the crime. Ryan was a separate person. CUT TO BLACK:
FINAL PAGE
FADE IN: Aerial shot of San Francisco. A voiceover of a local radio host talking about Ellen Landry. He takes several calls, pro and con, and then a caller named Steve is on air. But the voice if Ryan.
FINAL LINE/IMAGE
Ryan to radio host: “I’m a longtime listener. And a first-time caller.”
LAST 10 PAGES – FIRST DRAFT
EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – DAY
TV vans parked fill parking lot. Camera crews and reporters line both sides of the walkway into the building, clamoring for news.
Uniformed police keep them corralled to the sides.
When Ellen and Sorensen come through the front door, all hell ERUPTS. Ellen is wrapped in a blanket, fragile, tucked under Sorensen’s protective arm.
Flashbulbs strike like lightning. Reporters SHOUT questions, one LOUDER than the next, too impossible to hear.
Sorensen holds Ellen as they walk, holding up his hand to protect Ellen from the mob.
A sedan parked at the curb waits for them. A uniformed cop opens the back door as they approach.
At the door, Ellen turns to Sorensen, her eyes glazing over. She places a gentle hand to his face where she slapped him earlier. “I’m sorry” and “thank you” fill her eyes.
Sorensen’s eyes tear, but he remains tall and stoic.
Ellen eased into the back seat. The door is closed. She peers out at Sorensen, placing her hand to the window as the sedan begins to drive away.
INT. SEDAN – BACK SEAT – MOVING
Ellen peers through the back window as she’s driven away from Sorensen, still standing at the curb.
EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS
Sorensen remains at the curb watching Ellen drive away, his watering eyes drop a tear down his face. Flashbulbs POP. We heard APPLAUSE ERUPT —
INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD ROOM – POLICE HEADQUARTERS – DAY
— APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Sorensen walks the floor through the maze of desks, accepting the APPLAUSE of his colleagues giving him a standing ovation.
Sorensen is humbled, nodding and shaking a a few hands, but not smiling. It’s been a hard day.
Phil waits at Sorensen’s desk, huddled with two DETECTIVES. The applause dies, and the cops get back to work.
Sorensen and Phil take a moment to acknowledge the day.
PHIL
How you doing?
SORENSEN
Been better.
PHIL
Dr. Landry’s at the hospital with her daughters. They weren’t hurt. They’re going to be okay.
Sorensen nods. No words. He drops Jason’s file to his desk.
DETECTIVE 1
The Uber driver was Jerry McGrath. Sixty-two. Divorced. Lived alone. ME says he was killed Sunday night, but that he’d been tortured for at least a day before he died.
SORENSEN
Jason needed his pass codes.
DETECTIVE 2
He used McGrath’s SUV to kidnap Landry and the two girls. We found it at the scene. Company records show Landry ordered a car at eight-forty-seven and was picked up five minutes later at eight-fifty-two. The GPS was turned off ten minutes later.
PHIL
Jason dismantled the husband’s car in the driveway —
DETECTIVE 1
— cut the ignition wires —
PHIL
— and parked around the corner to wait for Landry to make the call.
SORENSEN
He had to make sure he was the first driver to the Landry home.
DETECTIVE 2
Had to be stalking the family for a while. Know the routine.
SORENSEN
What about the phone?
PHIL
Stolen. He used spoof software and bounced the signal through foreign sites not to be traced.
DETECTIVE 2
How could a gerbil like this set all this up?
SORENSEN
Computer science major. Dropped out of Stanford when he got sick.
Phil sends the detective back to work with a nod.
PHIL
Take the rest of the day. Go home. Be with your kids.
Phil pats Sorensen on the shoulder and heads to his office.
Sorensen sits down and reclines in his chair. This is his first real rest. He looks to the framed pictures on his desk.
A FRAMED PICTURE OF HIS DAUGHTERS. Their school pictures. Two girls, ten and twelve, just like Ellen’s daughters. Both cute as a bugs ear.
Sorensen leans forward, leaning on his elbows, staring at his girls, rubbing his wedding ring.
DETECTIVE RIVERS stands at his desk talking on the phone.
RIVERS
(on phone)
Hold on. I’ll see if he’s in.
(he pressed hold)
Jack…? Jack?
Sorensen leaves his thoughts. He looks across at Rivers.
RIVERS (CONT’D)
I got a guy on two says he needs to talk to you. Some doctor at county.
SORENSEN
Tell him to leave a message. I’m heading home.
RIVERS
He says is urgent. About your boy, Jason.
A heavy SIGH. Reluctant.
SORENSEN
Put him through.
Rivers presses line two on his phone.
RIVERS
Doc? I’m transferring you now.
Rivers forwards call and hangs up.
Sorensen’s answers the phone after one RING.
SORENSEN
Sorensen.
DOCTOR (O.S.)
(on phone)
Detective? Thank you for taking my call. My name is Robert Green. I’m on staff at San Francisco General.
SORENSEN
What can I do for you, doc?
GREEN
I’m not really sure how to explain this.
SORENSEN
— Doc? It’s been a long day.
GREEN (O.S.)
Yeah, no, I’ll get to the point.
(beat)
We had a patient here at the hospital that we held over the weekend for a seventy-two hour psych exam. The police brought him in Friday. Homeless. Catatonic —
SORENSEN
— Doc —
GREEN (O.S.)
Sorry. The patient’s name was Randy Armstrong. He’s in the system. But I didn’t put things together until I saw his picture on TV.
Sorensen sits up.
SORENSEN
What do you getting at, doc?
GREEN (O.S.)
I think my patient is the man who kidnapped Dr. Landry’s family.
Sorensen says nothing, numb, his mind racing.
GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Detective Sorensen? Are you there?
SORENSEN
Can you repeat that?
GREEN
I think my patient is your suspect, Jason Petrie.
Sorensen puts Green on speaker phone.
SORENSEN
You still there, doc?
GREEN
Yes. I’m here.
Sorensen preps his computer. The SFPD home page pops up.
SORENSEN
What’s your patient’s name again?
GREEN (O.S.)
(on speaker)
Armstrong. Randy Armstrong.
COMPUTER SCREEN – He types ARMSTRONG, RANDY into the pop-up window field. The cursor arrow hits ENTER.
Sorensen stares at the screen waiting for the program to run. Suddenly, he’s pushed back, stunned.
COMPUTER SCREEN – Jason’s picture fills half the screen. He’s haggard and homeless. His patient intake form fills the other half of the screen.
GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(on speaker)
I didn’t know what to think when I saw his picture on the news —
Sorensen moves his eyes to the intake form.
COMPUTER SCREEN – ARMSTRONG, RANDY is the name on the form.
GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(on speaker)
— I figured I’d better call somebody.
Sorensen types again.
COMPUTER SCREEN – He types PETRIE, JASON into the pop-up window field. Jason’s driver’s license opens. He’s younger, but it’s the same man.
Sorensen can’t believe his eyes.
GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(on speaker)
I don’t understand any of this. The news reported Dr. Landry’s family was kidnapped at eight-thirty —
FOCUS ON – SPEAKER PHONE
GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(on speaker)
— but we didn’t release Randy until ten o’clock.
COMPUTER SCREEN – The two pictures are side by side.
GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
The staff said Randy was picked up by an Uber driver in a silver SUV.
Sorensen flips through Jason’s patient file fast.
INSERT PATIENT RECORD – Sorensen’s fingers scroll down to find ARMSTRONG, RANDY. They move to the aliases listed — Bobby, William, Jeffry, Donald, Randall.
Sorensen looks up at the screen again.
CLOSE SHOT – Jason staring right back at him.
GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(on speaker)
How could he kidnap the Landry’s if he were still holding him?
CLOSE SHOT – Sorensen, numb, realizing Ryan was someone else.
GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Detective Sorensen? Are you there?
Detective Sorensen? Detective…? Detective…?
CUT TO BLACK:
A long beat.
RADIO HOST (V.O.)
Good morning, San Francisco! It’s a great day to be living in the city by the bay —
FADE IN:
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING
It’s crisp and clean and bright. Traffic is flowing.
RADIO HOST (V.O.)
— You’re listening to the Brian Osborn Show. And we are one week and counting, and my callers are still talking about Ellen Landry. So let’s get right to the phones.
We’ve got Maureen from Brisbane on the line. Hello, Maureen. You’re on with Brian.
WOMAN (V.O.)
Hello, Brian. This is Maureen. What Dr. Ellen did was wrng. This was her patient. He needed help. And she pushes him to commit suicide? I mean, didn’t she swear an oath or something? I admit these were unusual circumstances, but she could have waited for the police to negotiate with this man.
RADIO HOST (V.O.)
Well, okay. Thanks for the call, Maureen. But you gotta know, you’re swimming against the tide. Most people are in the pro Ellen camp on this. But I appreciate your call.
(beat)
Okay. Let’s go to Jimmy across the bay in Oakland. Hello, Jimmy.
MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)
Hay, Brian. This is Jimmy. That Maureen’s full of crap! What if this was her family? I mean, what else was Dr. Ellen supposed to do? Let that SOB kill her kids? He already shot her husband. And to get him to blow his brains out, that’s lady’s got balls. And when her show comes back, I’m going to call and tell her that.
RADIO HOST (V.O.)
Thanks, Jimmy. And I’m sure Ellen appreciates your supports. But you may have to wait awhile for her show to return. Ellen is on hiatus while she and her family recover.
(beat)
Let’s take one more call. We’ve got Steve in Pacifica. Hello, Steve. You’re on with Brian Osborn.
Beat.
RYAN (V.O.)
Good morning, Brian. This is Steve. Love your show. I’m a longtime listener.
(beat)
And a first time caller.
FADE OUT:
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dana Abbott.
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Hi Dana,
Read your post. Funny – you chose the same name for the SF Dr as I chose for my Protagonist’s Sr law partner – Robert Green! Must have been in the wind.
Want to trade critiques?
Anita
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Hi Anita
Love to exchange. I posted my synopsis and last 10 pages of my script. Please, don’t read both. Choose whichever you like. I’ll give yours a read over coffee in the AM. Looking forward to reading your script synopsis.
Dana
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I plan on getting to this tomorrow! -Thanks for your critique. I commented about that, above. -Anita
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Hi Dana,
Can we exchange feedback?
Thank you,
Michael
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Hi Michael
Sure. I’d enjoy sharing critiques.
I’ll give your concept and read and get back ASAP
Thanks,
Dana
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Hi Dana,
PS81 – Dana’s Completed Third Act
This is great, developing very well.
FIRST TIME CALLER – love the title — each new personality should says this the first time they talk to Ellen!
OPENING: But low ratings, due to her inability to connect with callers, results in her show beings cancelled. — is the inability to connect going to be her change? or safe advice? original choice to have her be not good at the job to start and she should be great at it in the end, but is there a specific reason why she specifically was initially called/targeted in the first place???
Jason, Ryan, William, Bobby – not that these are similar names but none of them are standout, I got a little confused because I had trouble tracking these non-distinctive names, wondering…would it help or hinder to make 1 or 2 of the names more distinctive?
What’s the trigger that makes them toggle between each other? does she learn/stumble upon a particularly cool technique?
PLOT POINT 2
After great hardship, Ellen successfully brings William from the dark, believing the terrible situation will pressure his depressive personality into committing suicide and save her daughters. — what is the special skill that Ellen possesses or learns or changes into that enables bringing him from the dark? other than perseverance and desperation
CRISIS
He’s a psychopath, like Ryan. And now she’s dealing with two of them. — I hope the chances that 2 of the multiple personalities being murderous/psychotic are low/rare, and that you mention this fact early on and she dismisses the possibility
CLIMAX
Ellen pits the two psychotic personalities against one another, telling William that Ryan has cursed him and the other personalities by killing her husband. That he (William) will be sent back to the darkness, trapped in the abyss with the others forever once they send Jason to prison. She plays on his jealousy and anger, igniting the hate between the two personalities. — is she inventing a new treatment? based on some theory or research, or is it just experiential learning and her own insights? maybe play up this ingenious treatment that will be the new benchmark if deemed moral
Ryan drags Ellen’s oldest daughter into the room and threatens to kill her. With her daughter screaming in the background, Ellen escalates the battle between Ryan and William until the sound of a gunshot is heard and the call drops. Then silence. Ellen waits in horror until Sorensen burst into the studio. SWAT has reached the scene. Jason is dead. Her daughters are saved. — just want to make sure I read this right and that Ellen caused it, and not the cop
RESOLUTION
Sorensen walks Ellen to a waiting police car to take her to her daughters. She tries to thank him, but she’s too emotional for words. It’s their final moment.
Sorensen returns to the police station to a hero’s welcome. He wraps up the investigation with his team, resolving on the last details. But there are nagging questions. He’s told forget it. The case is over. Sitting as his desk, he receives a call from another psychiatrist. — she gets the call! Ellen is still on the air as a success! she takes the call
FINAL PAGE
FADE IN: Aerial shot of San Francisco. A voiceover of a local radio host talking about Ellen Landry. He takes several calls, pro and con, and then a caller named Steve is on air. But the voice if Ryan. — forget Steve, Ellen is still on the air as a success! she takes the call
How could he kidnap the Landry’s if he were still holding him? — why give this to the cop? in the Final page, shouldn’t her show now be a success with her having job security, it’s been a few weeks…then she gets this call from Green or Randy or Ryan
Hello, Brian. This is Maureen. What Dr. Ellen did was wrng. This was her patient. He needed help. And she pushes him to commit suicide? I mean, didn’t she swear an oath or something? I admit these were unusual circumstances, but she could have waited for the police to negotiate with this man. — I think this needs to be earlier, perhaps when she’s talking to one of the personalities, he makes her take calls, which she doesn’t want to do because of time, but they threaten her, then she has to defend herself live to the public, these calls could be very interesting to spur insights and press the ticking clock, this morality debate needs to occur in the moment or between moments, let the listening audience participate and offer theories and advice to her and play along, could be great fun and opportunities for twists
And a first time caller. — have this occur with Ellen as mentioned above
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Hello Dana. would you like to exchange script critiques. BTW I am a retired mental health worker LOL!
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Hi Anna
Yes. Love to hear your opinion. I’ll give your concept a read tonight and get back tomorrow.
Thanks
Dana
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Hello Dana,
Loved the opening, exciting and easy to follow.
This is very interesting subject matter, quite unique though DID has been done, rarely to my knowledge, nothing like this with the on-air radio program, and it is contemporary in feel. I believe I am right in saying this is a subject that has been rarely explored on screen. Perhaps because it is so complex.
May I offer a suggestion in line with Michael Katz’s observations? I also found it dizzying to track the characters at times. Something that might help with people reading your script (producer) might be to consider introducing the name of the character along with their role ie Bob (DID role perpetrator) and Bill (DID role avenger) perhaps for dramatic effect introduce something that differentiates the personalities ie (this is just for the sake of example) colloquial accent, the timbre of voice etc. In reality, DID personalities do not always have flamboyant differences, however, this may help with the marketability and entertainment value/accessibility of your work.
While the personalities may seem monstrous, perhaps have the psychiatrist explain to the police how this happens. (creating empathy for the devil is a dramatic tactic and subliminally educating your audience re mental health) if you wanted to that is.
The ending certainly did not let up either. Also, I wonder why the radio station picked up a host with a dodgy track record? Alo loved the sweet supportive emotional exchange.
I think this is highly original work. Also, I can see in mind these scenes being acted out, and think it will be easier to follow visually than it is in script form. Maybe a table read at some point will give you what you want/need to fine-tune.
I think you know lots about this subject, I do not, thank God I have never had to deal with this. Thanks for the opportunity to read your script. Anna
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Hi Dana,
Okay. Wow. It’s all so believable. Keeps me on the edge of my seat and flows really well.
And then I get to the end. Read it several times, and even made myself a ‘cheat sheet’ of the various personalities.
I want it to be this awesome twist – but I keep getting confused.
I think the point of confusion lies here: Ryan and Jason reference each other multiple times and via other sub-personalities (Bobby and William). Also, Ellen KNEW Jason/William intimately. She isn’t going to be fooled. So Jason has to be the one who gets killed.
HOWEVER – ‘Jason’ at the hospital under hold / aka Randy Armstrong / aka Jason Petrie can not possibly be the Jason who was on the phone with Ellen and dies.
What have I got wrong?
If the Dr says “his” Jason (aka Randy Armstrong aka Jason Petrie) was released just today – AFTER they find Sorenson’s Jason dead – then voila’ I can wrap my head around THAT. Because THEN we CAN have 2 people (but not if he was held in the hospital during the call) and the 2nd psycho is now on the loose…. and maybe he is even the first caller’s (Jason’s)TWIN BROTHER who ALSO has DID!
Boom! This – my brain can work with.
I too have a complicated ending. But I don’t want to leave my audience scratching their heads. Hope this helps!
Best,
-Anita
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Anita
Thanks for your critique. You’re right. The back and forth gets confusing. It needs to be cut and dry. The two characters William and Ryan are occupying the same space and time, but they need to be more defined. And I have changed William’s motivation base on the class. The script doesn’t match the concept. I probably shouldn’t have included it. My next draft will make the changes.
I have also been thinking of your script. I forgot Danica and Cyrus’ affair was illicit. But that adds to the tension. If one or the other doesn’t recuse themselves, they can both get in trouble. One can blackmail the other. Does the opposition find out? Does Cyrus extort her to quit? Does she extort him so she can stay in the case? This element adds great suspense to the script. Have fun with it!
Dana
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Thanks Dana for the insights about legal recusal and using it as another foil between my characters. I do love adding a bit where Cyrus recognizes Danica’s name on the upcoming case roster and (corruptly) doesn’t speak up, because he secretly wants “to get a shot at her”. Then, when Dani actually gets in front of him to argue is where I have her collapsing, at her career moment’s zenith – because of both kidney failure and the extra stress of going toe to toe with Cyrus.
Thanks for the extra wisdom!
-Anita
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Hello Dana,
I like thrillers!
I keep reading it, thinking how it is pretty much mr. Shimalayan, or what he’s called, – like is.
Your writing is very good.
This ending is terrific. I can’t stop thinking that you started writing all this initially, having this ending in mind.
But can you really stop movie with such an end, when all the plot about villain is not revealed?
I see you try to pull more about it, toward Middle of the story. Maybe you will evolve it!
what I question is, if her girls experienced that, how could they know not there were a couple of people. They also had to see his face as a driver. That’s all not very clear.
I see you work hard on it. And maybe expecting sequel.
I just tell you my considerations. If you give something like a Split, would it be not too little of it? I mean, if they are just plain psychopaths, what about it? For example, if she would be followed prior and noticed that, that’s one thing.
Ryan also starts paying back for Jason, then apparently murders him cold-blooded, as expected. Does he considers him weakling? Or he removes him from jelousy, because Jason knew her as his psychologist?
Also, how come that he can pull so much information on Jason and aka, and nothing on Ryan? He must have records also!
Start talking about radio affairs stuff was good idea, as this adds to fabulae.
The way your script goes, there are many possibilities to add something.
What if to add some another woman psychologist, who would get similar attention from Ryan, like something pinned on the car, when she getting in, or what. And her surprise, miscomprehenssion, etc. I mean, add more to premiss, that would build up interest!
Good Luck!
Would you give feedback to me either? I don’t have many and would appreciate that. I write ski-fi. I don’t know, if that’s “your” genre.
Alice
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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Michael Katz Completed Third Act
1. SETUP:
OPENING IMAGE — 10-year-old boy Waldo Katz saves a cat by taking out a splinter from its paw using the thick lenses of his glasses as a magnifying glass. Then he accidentally discovers solar ignition, becoming fascinated with burning holes in leaves, but an ant meanders into the beam and fries to death, causing Waldo to cry tears of remorse.
ACT ONE
Adult Waldo is an altruistic scientist who has invented a revolutionary space solar energy system using magnifying lenses that will end global warming. Waldo is a man of conscience and doesn’t agree to sell his company to a shady buyer. When Waldo demonstrates his technology to investors and dignitaries, it malfunctions, and Waldo is partially blinded and his longtime assistant is killed. Waldo discovers it was sabotage but the police are unable to do anything because it was done by an unknown foreign spy. Waldo vows to bring down the corrupt energy system of entrenched money and power. Imelyna Michaels is an A-list movie star and environmental activist who offers to help Waldo, and she whisks him away to continue his work. What she doesn’t know is that Waldo’s trauma has triggered in him a slow descent into megalomania.
ACT TWO
Part A: Imelyna sets up Waldo first in Sweden and then the U.S. to commercialize pieces of his technology in order to make money to finance their ultimate goal of building and installing his space solar energy system. Waldo invents a magnifier for solar panels that make him a tycoon. However, Waldo must overcome continual interference and roadblocks from greedy corporations, dirty politicians, and immoral spies as they maintain their grip on energy infrastructure. Frustrated, Waldo commits assault against paparazzi, and then kills a Water and Power serviceman at his house that he thought was a spy. Waldo flees the U.S. fearing being arrested.
Part B: Waldo makes a decision to fight fire with fire, turning to villainy to achieve his goal. He devises a masterplan, reorganizes his businesses, hires staff and minions, makes money committing environmental crimes against entrenched interests, builds a secret lair including a death trap, and starts production on his technology. However, Derek Evans is a James Bond type spy who injects himself into Waldo’s life. Waldo suggests Imelyna try to learn information about Evans by pretending to be romantically interested in him, however Waldo doesn’t know that Evans has already made her a lover and an asset.
2. PLOT POINT 2 — Waldo captures the spy and puts him in his death trap, but the spy escapes with Imelyna’s help, and he destroys Waldo’s lair and forces Waldo to flee for his life.
ACT THREE
3. CRISIS
Waldo lures Imelyna and Evans back to Sweden, where he confronts Imelyna about her infidelity. She pleads with Waldo to stop being villainous. Waldo reveals to Imelyna that Evans is not only a conscienceless “license to kill” psychopath who brutally killed her brother, but that he slept with two other women close to her in their organization. Evans admits that it’s both part of his job and a benefit of his job. Waldo asks Imelyna to choose between enabling global warming or ending global warming. Imelyna helps Waldo improvise one last attempt at achieving their goal by helping him blast off into space to implement their plan from the space station.
4. CLIMAX
Waldo successfully operates from within the space station. Waldo’s minions sabotage the energy infrastructure all around the world. He then makes his space solar technology fully operational, and it works. He declares to POTUS and other world leaders that global warming has been solved. Yet the world’s entrenched interests won’t concede and try to assassinate him by shooting nuclear missiles at him in space. Waldo blocks the oncoming nuclear missiles with a broad beam from his magnifying lenses that burn out the missiles’ telemetry. Waldo finally gives into temptation, abandons worrying about the consequences, and just enjoys wielding his great power. Waldo exacts his final revenge, achieving his goal of bringing down the corrupt system of entrenched money and power by turning his space solar system into a weapon of mass destruction. Using the energy beam as a laser cutter, Waldo carves up and completely destroys Earth, ultimately cleaving it in two.
5. RESOLUTION
Waldo observes the carnage and cries tears of joy.
6. FINAL PAGE
Waldo sits alone in the space station floating in space.
“6 days to create the world, huh? Ha! Took me only 6 minutes to destroy it!”
“Apparently…I’m not even the last man on earth.”
“I guess I’m god.”
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE
Waldo notices the Man on the Moon again frowning on him and uses the space solar magnifier to burn a smiley face on the moon.
Waldo alternates between maniacal laughter and silence as the credits roll.
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Hi Michael,
This is the first time I’ve had the opportunity to read your work and I wish I’d been following it. It’s an interesting premise and a “Breaking Bad” arc- as in, good guy turns very bad… I’m unsure of how much of this you’ve written, and how much is still in outline form, so please bear with me if I’m asking questions that are not relevant.
Mirror. In the first scene Waldo gets upset when he kills something. The story progresses to the end, when he’s thrilled at having decimated the entire planet. Why isn’t he upset that he has no place to go home? Why isn’t it a dual thrill and horror?
Reading just synopses, it’s hard to know if something has logistical issues or is just, by its nature, a summary that has to skip a lot. (I know that in the summary I did for my piece, many nuances are skipped over.) To reiterate, please ignore anything I say that’s covered but that space will not allow you to include.
Nonetheless, there seem to be a lot of gigantic leaps and I don’t know how your characters get there. I also have a few annoyingly small detail questions.
Waldo as child- would need a second pair of glasses to see if he uses his glasses as a magnifying glass.
I think that if Waldo invents an energy system, it will STOP global warming from worsening but will not end it. There’s a long half-life to the pollution we have and it will take many hundreds of years for our destroyed planet to recover from all of the damages we’ve inflicted on species, water, wind and the like.
When the foreign spy sabotages Waldo’s system, the feds would be on that . It’s an international incident and homeland security would be all over that.
act two
A If Waldo becomes a tycoon, it means that others buy and own his technology- that they have to manufacture parts, and the huge number of global participants have to understand how it works to make it happen. Waldo’s a busy guy. And he has to trust a lot of people to run his operations all over the globe.
Imelyna, is an altruist, so why does she become corrupt like Waldo? Unless you set it up before she and Waldo meet-
Waldo would be arrested and extradited no matter where he goes- unless he uses his money to buy his way out of everything.
B Not sure how Derek has come into the picture or how developed Waldo and Derek’s relationship is. It could be that Derek is an ally, a collaborator with Waldo who then slowly shows cracks in his facade to make Waldo suspicious. Also, if Imelyna breaks with Waldo, there must be scenes to show their fraying relationship. I’m assuming that you establish their love connection when she’s introduced.
So far, all of this seems like a lot to emotionally develop in a screenplay’s length of time. Although what I love most about your piece is Waldo’s persistent bounce between believing in something to to suspicion and disappointment- turning to evil.
Attacking a paparazzi isn’t as significant, in the scheme of things- it would blow over. Waldo works with thousands of people daily so why would a water and power serviceman come to his house at all? He works with so many wizards. And how does that scene build?
plot point two
Waldo’s lair is destroyed. Who is the spy? Does he work with other corporations, the US government, Other governments?
act three
Waldo has committed environmental crimes, and now petitions Imelyna to do the right thing. Is he still running from the law?
climax
Quite an ending. He might as well end it, because his infrastructure is toast, so his life is shattered, like the planet. He’s destined to die, like the rest, homeless and nutzo. but what happens when the Earth, lopped into two, drift away from the Sun? How is the space station, which orbits the Earth, to survive at all?
Final image
While maniacal laughter seems dramatic, more dramatic, to me, would be howls of pain, fear and agony- the same that the child experienced in the first scene.
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Hey Michael!
Here’s what I loved about your ending!
I love the visual comparison between the opening and the ending, where both example the concentration of the sun’s energy being a force of destruction. There’s a nice reversal there as well, where in the opening, Waldo incinerates an ant by accident and feels remorse, and in the final image, Waldo willfully sets the world ablaze and feels pride. The smile on the moon is a nice touch as well, particularly for a bond villain like the ones from MOONRAKER and GOLDFINGER.
I did enjoy those last two lines, and feel the whole weight of the story is leading to that self affirmation. It’s like watching a Steve Carrel type character (like from CRAZY STUPID LOVE or THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN or EVAN ALMIGHTY) go way to the extreme and see himself as a deity, carrying out divine wrath. Actually, I think if you were to write this part with Steve Carrel in mind, that may make this script soar to new heights.
What I have questions about…
I’m curious about Waldo’s trauma having “triggered in him a slow descent into megalomania.” This may just be a limitation in the information provided, due to trying to condense 70-90 minutes of film down to a couple of paragraphs. The way it reads here feels almost like a hand-wavy explanation, and I’d love to see a more concrete development. I’m sure you’ve researched this mental health condition to a far greater extant than I could in a quick google check. A change to the sentence structure may help better establish this development, such as writing “Therefore” or “But” to each shift in the plot, or whenever an action Waldo or another character takes visibly pushes him further and further. This also makes for a greater, classic irony in the story, where the people who’re are trying to stop Waldo are unintentionally sowing their own fate.
Typically the Crisis point is about the protagonist’s decision, rather than a supporting character, as difficult choices are effective at showing a character’s journey. We’ve seen this character make choices all throughout the story, so the Crisis decision reveals the lengths the protagonist has gone through to change and make the choice they wouldn’t have at the beginning of the story. Maybe it’s just the way it’s presented, but it reads as though Imelyna is given the difficult choice that represents her growth, while Waldo has already crossed that bridge earlier. If this is the case, I’d consider changing this up a bit, and give Waldo the choice between the woman he loves or his own ego. It may be a bit cliché, but it does better showcase his descent into megalomania. Waldo doesn’t need her help. He can save or destroy the world all on his own. He believes it, and as we see in the climax, he’s correct, which is what makes him the most dangerous man since Genghis Khan.
All in all, I do think you have an original take on the spy genre, with a character that has an amazing evolution from someone we can empathize with and feel sorry for, to someone whom we’re rooting for and cheering on in their victories, to screaming in horror for him to stop before it’s too late.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Michael
I’ve read your script concept several times. I kept waiting for Waldo’s hero’s story to unfold, and not until I read where he kills an innocent person and escapes, did I realize this was the villain’s story. This is the Joker. Once I understood your concept, I read it a third time. This is a wild story, a Bond movie from the villain’s perspective.
In the opening, Waldo has an emotional epiphany when he kills an ant. I understand the concept that all life matters, but given that I spray for ants every spring, I didn’t connect to his emotion. If he were to accidentally kill an insect of beauty or grace, a caterpillar/butterfly or preying mantis, I think this scene would have a stronger impact and help the audience to understand his remorse.
At the end of Act 1, you state that Waldo has becomes a megalomaniac due to the trauma of the accident. Does he do something in Act 1 to lead us to that conclusion? Does he harm someone? Or threaten to harm someone? I think we may need to visual his megalomania before he meets Imelyna so we understand the potential danger he poses to her and the world.
I can see Waldo’s turn to evil in Part A and B. The supervillain with the master plot. The rest of the story unfolds as would be expected to the conclusion Waldo believing he’s God.
The only question I have is about Imalyna. Is she Waldon’s love interest? Or is she his partner? And why, in the final conflict, wouldn’t she want to go with him into space to achieve their goal together, considering she’ll be wanted by authorities for helping him? I’d like to see more of her character through the script. She’d be an interesting character to develop.
I think you have a bold idea with strong metaphors about climate change and global warming, and if written and produced right, could be an impactful film.
Dana
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Hi Michael,
Cameron, Dana and June have all provided such insightful critiques, that I am not sure I can add anything else useful, except perhaps to underscore a few of the points they have already made.
The villain’s arc is always interesting – how can a person go from an innocent kid to destroying the whole world? Waldo starting off as “altruistic” to “doing environment crimes” is quite the leap, and an even further leap to creating the ultimate Weapon of Mass Destruction.
The journey is broad and a bit difficult for me to swallow because at the end he still has enough seeming desire to “help the earth” as to convince his lady-love to help him into space. Maybe the middle part of the journey is more about his feelings of rejection (both at the personal and global levels) rather than him deploying environmental crimes? In other words, it seems his through-line should be consistent – wanting to help the earth. Until he loses all hope and ultimately destroys it (and himself) in the process.
Last technical observation: I had the same thought as June –
How is the space station, which orbits the Earth, to survive at all?
Sci-fi is great fun because we can bend the perimeters of our existing reality, as long as it is always plausible.
Overall a very ambitious effort and I wish you all the best with it!
-Anita
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Critique for Michael Katz
I concur with most of what June, Cam, Dana, and Anita said. There are huge jumps made that maybe are because we aren’t seeing the dialogue and scenes themselves.
Here are my two cents: this read as a melodrama on a big scale. Almost a comedy, ala Dr. Evil. Hope that’s not offensive.
I actually liked the beginning with the cat…a reference to Androcles and the Lion, I suppose. A sweet moment. But after reading your story, I felt an overall missing of love. And by that, I mean in CONTRAST to the horror of it all. I would have liked to see more of a contrast between Adult Waldo starting out and Adult Waldo at the end, destroying the earth. And I would like Waldo to show love to Imelyna and then spiral when she turns out to be with Derek. (Also, I don’t know how to pronounce Imelyna which is a problem for me.) Maybe add some unpredictability, coherence/incoherence, happy/sad twists, master manipulation to Waldo. All is up to you!
I think you have something here that can be marketable and a real blast to watch!!
Please review my submission if you have time.
Thanks, Lisa
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DEV ROSS – DAY 9 – Writing great endings.
What I learned is how every time I rethought my ending, how the rest of my story underwent so many changes! I have my work cut out for me as I now go back and rework story points and even more set ups. Writing is re-writing!
SET UP:
STRING THEORY of multi-universes…
CLAY CAINE is a fading KKK leader who struggles to regain his former power and influence as a younger, more charismatic white supremacist, ADAM SPENCER, has captured the nation’s attention. Clay’s marriage is failing, climate disturbances are increasing, and a new black leader is arising.
Pushing toward the First Turning Point, a cross is burned on his lawn because his daughter gets pregnant by her black boyfriend.
FIRST TURNING POINT:
Clay interrupts increasingly odd weather events as a sign from God that he can regain his power if he murders rising Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE.
CRISIS
Clay can’t accept the truth about his sister’s rape by black men, and his own half-black heritage.
CLIMAX:
As the two multi-verse worlds collide and, as a result, are dying, Clay finally realizes that there is another version of himself that has existed in another world – Black Leader Lincoln Able. (We’ve already learned that Lincoln is half white.)
RESOLUTION:
In the strings of the multi-verse, a new world is birthed that is free of racism.
LAST PAGE: Another world is also birthed – one where white supremacist ADAM SPENCER is President.
LAST TEN PAGES:
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln drives his wife toward home.
LINCOLN
So, I’m taking us home?
NUBIA
Of course. Where else?
LINCOLN
I thought maybe… church.
NUBIA
Church?
LINCOLN
Their evening service. If that’s what you want.
NUBIA
What I want is my baby. What I want is to not have some crazy ass white man trying to kill you. What I want is for us to live our lives in peace! Is that too much to want? Because I certainly don’t want all this crazy shit!
LINCOLN
Nubie…
NUBIA
If you ever do go back to church, you do it for you, not for me.
Lincoln places his hand on hers.
LINCOLN
Nubie. I just wanted to say that – I got you. Baby, I got you.
She covers his hand with his, then behind them–
A SHIMMER — Out of which comes a car so fast in moments it’s collided with their rear bumper.
LINCOLN
What the hell?!
Lincoln looks in his rearview mirror. It’s Clay, who swerves around them – their eyes meeting – and then speeds ahead.
EXT. LINCOLN’S CAR – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln lurches his vehicle to the side of the road, gets out of the car…
NUBIA
What are you doing? Lincoln!
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
He runs around to the passenger side, opens the door.
LINCOLN
Get out!
NUBIA
What? No!
Lincoln reaches in, yanks her out.
LINCOLN
GET OUT!
With Nubia out of the car, he climbs back in and speeds away.
NUBIA
Lincoln! Lincoln!!
Exasperated, she lets out a wail and then staggers in the direction of home.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS – MOMENTS LATER – NIGHT
Lincoln’s vehicle speeds after Clay’s, follows his car as it screeches around corners.
A SHIMMER.
Lincoln makes a sharp turn after Clay, but– the street is empty. No sign of Clay.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln drives slowly, looking, searching…
EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Nubia arrives in her neighborhood, or what she thought was her neighborhood. She’s stands in the middle of the street. Where the hell is she?
Then– a SHIMMER. She turns towards it when out of it comes another car, Lincoln’s car…
Lincoln’s face contorts. He slams on the brakes. The SCREECH, deafening. The THUD, sickening.
He gets out of his car, runs to his wife’s broken body.
LINCOLN
Oh God! Nubia!
Lincoln kneels over her body.
LINCOLN
Nubia! Somebody! Help!
He pulls out his phone to dial 911 when–
A SHIMMER
EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBOORHOOD – NIGHT
Lincoln still kneels in the street but — there’s no Nubia. Just an empty street and his still running car. He stumbles back to it, drives off.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
LINCOLN
Okay… Okay… Just get home. Fuck! I’m losing it!
He turns down a street that should be his – but it isn’t.
LINCOLN
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBOORHOOD – CONTINUOUS
He pulls up to what should be his house when–
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln sees Clay, armed with more rounds of ammo, get into his car and drive off.
Lincoln follows.
EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln speeds toward Clay…
LINCOLN
Fuck, yeah, I’m crazy.
…RAMS his bumper.
INT. CLAY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Clay jerks forward. Smiles, guns it.
EXT. CLAY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
He barrels ahead.
EXT. STREETS HEADING INTO DOWNTOWN – NIGHT
The cars tear through a downtown once fueled by cotton. Boarded up shops, derelict houses, and the near ghosts of that past that are all that’s left behind.
A TOOTHLESS OLD BLACK MAN pushing a hobbled shopping cart full of recyclable aluminum cans, watches the cars screech out of town towards the distant COTTON MILL – a humongous dinosaur frozen in the past.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD OUTSIDE OF TOWN – CONTINUOUS
The cars beeline down the road toward the abandoned COTTON MILL.
INT. CLAY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Clay checks his rearview mirror, sees Lincoln’s car surging toward him. He casts his eyes ahead to see a huge POTHOLE rapidly approaching. He swerves hard, too hard, loses control and rolls his car. In seconds, he’s out of it and running across a grassy plain toward the abandon mill.
Lincoln’s car jerks to a stop behind Clay’s. He jumps out of his car, the motor still running, and runs in pursuit.
EXT. GRASSY FIELD/ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
Clay plows through the field of grass towards, rapidly approaching the mill.
Lincoln getting winded, slows.
LINCOLN
Stop! All I wanna do is talk!
He pulls out a HANDGUN, loads it.
Meanwhile, Clay finds a door he can wrest open and heads inside.
The door, open wide, starts its slow, cranky journey back to being shut.
Lincoln heads toward the mill, ENTERS through the still slowly closing door…
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Nubia’s broken body is pushed into the white glare behind the Emergency Room doors…
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln lingers in the light streaming in from the broken roof.
LINCOLN
Come out and face me!
He turns, looking for him through the filtered light.
LINCOLN
You can’t just try and kill me and not tell me why!
No answer.
LINCOLN
Or are you some kind of crazed racist son of a bitch?
Clay’s voice echoes from every part of the room.
CLAY (O.S.)
(Reciting from Proverbs)
“Rash words are like sword thrusts.”
Lincoln instinctively gets low, searches the room…
LINCOLN
But they sure can stir up a crowd, am I right?
…slipping through the rows of old processing equipment.
Again, Clay’s words reverberate…
CLAY (O.S.)
“Everyone who hears my words and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.’
LINCOLN
That’s Matthew 7:24? You a preacher? I do know the bible. It seems you’re twisting it.
There’s a CLATTER. Lincoln spins and fires at it, misses the bird that flaps off.
LINCOLN
Sorry! Sorry about that. I’m just scared. I imagine you are too. But you know, we can both choose to change what’s happening here.
The heavy door they entered through finally shuts, bringing more darkness. The cold of it sinks into Lincoln, forcing him deeper into his convictions. He spots a wall of debris and quickly, gun ready, checks behind it.
LINCOLN
We just have to be willing! Right?
Nothing. He moves on.
LINCOLN
Show yourself and we can talk about it.
Clay’s voice drips with sarcasm.
CLAY (O.S.)
And you won’t shoot me.
LINCOLN
I promise not to. I swear.
A small piece of roof comes CRASHING down.
Lincoln spins and fires at it, instantly regrets it.
CLAY (O.S.)
Guess you lied. But then you can’t help it. It’s the weakness of your race.
Lincoln swallows that burn. The long-time chip on his shoulder weighs heavy. He’s struggles against it.
LINCOLN
You know, scientifically speaking, there is only one race.
CLAY (O.S.)
And there’s only one truth, the Bible, which says there’s a place for your kind in God’s order.
Like bile, his bitterness rises…
LINCOLN
And would that be ‘second place?’
Clay nimbly moves from the shadows, his gun already pointed at Lincoln.
CLAY
Yes, it would.
He fires.
Lincoln dodges.
Clay keeps firing – in all directions.
CLAY
Extinguish the flame, stop the fire!
His rapid firing causes more roof to rattle loose and fall. Clay ducks out of the way and then stops to listen. Silence. He smiles, sure that Lincoln’s dead when…
A SHIMMER PASSES… leaving Lincoln directly in Clay’s purview. Lincoln’s squat down in hiding, his back to Clay. A sitting duck.
Clay takes aim…
ANOTHER SHIMMER and– Lincoln’s gone. Clay screams his frustration. He rampages through the plant looking for Lincoln – kicking, shoving, shooting at anything in his way. More of the dilapidated building crumbles…
INT. HOSPITAL – CONTINUOUS
Lights flicker and the building shakes as DOCTORS and NURSES work on Nubia. The lights come back on, but the room is still except for the continuous one note bleat of the heart monitor. Nubia’s gone.
INT. COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
LINCOLN (O.S.)
You know…
Clay spins around to face Lincoln.
LINCOLN
I never thought I could do something like this.
Lincoln aims his gun at him.
LINCOLN
Kill a man. I guess I have you to thank for that.
CLAY
I’m not afraid. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” I’m right and I’ll never stop.
Lincoln grimaces at the quote’s misuse. He re-aims but struggles. His hands shake.
LINCOLN
You’re insane.
CLAY
The world’s insane. I’m just trying to—
A SHIMMER passes, distorting their words.
CLAY
(Distorted)
Try–ing to—
Lincoln’s desperately trying to understand.
LINCOLN
(Distorted)
Try-ing–to–whhh-at–?
The building groans. More ceiling falls to reveal SHIMMERS passing over one another in the night sky…
EXT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
…like flat ocean waves signaling the tide coming in, toppling over one another to be the first to reach the shore.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
With the shimmers quickening, and the building continuing to lose pieces of itself, Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts become disembodied, broken up, elongated until they become a sound miasma – all while firing upon one another as they appear, disappear along with the SHIMMERS.
A huge, multi-colored SHIMMER passes, leaving the men facing each other like gunfighters. Then–
Lincoln blinks, suddenly regaining a piece of his old self. He looks at the gun in his hand as if seeing it for the first time.
LINCOLN
No… This isn’t me. What’s happening?
Clay shows nothing.
Lincoln suddenly lowers his gun.
LINCOLN
Did you know my father was white?
Clay steps back, suddenly out of balance.
CLAY
That still makes you black.
LINCOLN
I hated him.
CLAY
I hated mine.
LINCOLN
So, we have stuff in common. Maybe more than you’re willing to admit.
CRACK! The cotton mill continues its slow breakdown.
Clay uses that to retrieve his gun, aim it at Lincoln.
CLAY
It changes nothing.
LINCOLN
I’ve got to hand it to you. I’m wavering here but not you.
But for a second Clay does. He wavers. Lincoln sees that — and the SHIMMER that’s kicking up. Not about to lose the chance that may be his last, he lifts his gun. BAM! The SHIMMER washes over them, slowing his bullet as Clay fires too. BAAAAM! BAAAAM!
The SLO-MO bullets head to each other through the prolonged SHIMMER. Finally, they strike their targets, first Clay, second Lincoln.
A beat then…
Both men sink to their knees, doing so simultaneously, a mirrored image of each other.
Clay looks at Lincoln, his own face rippling across Lincoln’s. Finally, he realizes…
CLAY
You’re me. You’ve always been me.
A tide of SHIMMERS passes over the two who become one — their faces changing into each other over and over until a single body falls face first – smack into the warehouse floor. In the shadows and darkness, it’s impossible to tell which man it is.
EXT. SPACE
The multi-verse strands resonate like harp strings as the two damaged strands vibrate faster and faster until they are wholly merged and become one…
EXT. EVERYTOWN NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
A beautiful blend of Clay’s and Lincoln’s neighborhoods only bathed in vivid colors.
Emmy and Hakeem stroll with their baby as a potpourri of people warmly express their greetings.
MRS. ROCHE (Eli’s Grandmother) stops to admire the baby.
MRS. ROCHE
What a beautiful baby boy! What’s his name?
Emmy smiles.
EMMY
Eli.
Mrs. Roche mentally chews on the name.
MRS. ROCHE
Eli? Well, congratulations you two.
As the couple thanks her and moves on…
EXT. SPACE – ON STRINGS
The multi-verse strands stir until they’re humming and vibrating at such a force, in a burst of light, they give birth to a new string…
INT. WHITE HOUSE – ROOM ADJACENT TO OVAL OFFICE – DAY
Cameras are set up and a PRODUCTION CREW scurries around preparing to shoot.
The DIRECTOR, wearing headsets and at her monitor gives a thumbs-up to the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR who nods then EXITS through a side door…
INT. OVAL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
The Assistant Director approaches the Resolute Desk which is blocked by HAIR and MAKE-UP people who attend the figure sitting behind it. The back of the room is filled with cameras and their OPERATORS, and a SOUND ENGINEER.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Are you ready, Mr. President?
Hair and Make-up busily touch up the unseen President who sits behind the desk.
PRESIDENT ADAM SPENCER (O.S.)
(Jovially)
I’m ready.
The CAMERAMAN and SOUND ENGINEER begin…
CAMERAWOMAN
Rolling.
SOUND ENGINEER
Speed.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
And we’re in on five…four…three…two… And–
The Assistant Director nods at the PRESIDENT.
PRESIDENT ADAM SPENCER
My fellow Americans…
He pauses, but only to give America his big college boy smile…
FADE OUT:
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Hi Dev,
Would you like to exchange critiques?
Thanks,
Michael
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I’d be delighted!
Thanks for asking!
Dev
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Hi Dev,
I really love your concept of exploring racism using string theory of multi-universes…it’s absolutely original and highly intriguing. However, I’m just not fully understanding how it all works, why it all works, and whether there is supposed to be some intelligence manipulating Clay and Lincoln’s experiences. From the extremely little I know string theory, there isn’t an intelligence component to it. It’s not a conscious entity. It doesn’t have human morals. And so I’m confused how and why racism would be specifically focused upon, but that’s the genius of your concept, if you can figure out how to convey the justification to the audience.
In It’s A Wonderful Life or Scrooge or Bruce Almighty or Click, there’s a familiar suspend your disbelief benevolent entity with the ability to alter the main character’s reality in order to teach them a valuable lesson. There’s a purposeful manipulation to change a person, which conveys a message to the audience. Your setup creates this kind of expectation for me, but then with your string theory of multiverses, who is pulling the strings? The ending feels more like a person’s intriguing nightmare and less like a movie with a clear plot result and meaning. I’m missing the how and why all this is happening, and the mechanics of how the shimmers somehow seem to know just the exact moment to make a character disappear i.e. right before they are shot. Are Clay and Lincoln aware that things are collapsing or are they not capable of being aware that their reality keeps changing? And how and why are new strings formed? To teach someone a lesson? Because the universe is correcting a mistake? I’m certainly feeling the surprise, but I’m just not tracking the inevitability of the outcome, nor it’s meaning.
For the pages, my main feedback would be to ask why a car chase and why a gun fight in a roof collapsing building? These choices felt slightly small, standard, and too un-scifi for a string theory of multi-universe concept.
My confusion being said, that Clay and Lincoln are the same person, they kill each other, the worlds collapse, and two new diametrically opposed universes are birthed — all perfectly great! If I get the rational explanations as to why this is happening and how it is happening in the setup, or at the end to tie up all the strings, then I can happily suspend my disbelief and go along perfectly entertained, and perhaps be more open and able to see what meaning the audience is supposed to come away with.
Michael
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Hi Michael,
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I’m quite familiar with String Theory and in my set up in the opening of my script thus far, I hope I’ve done a decent job of showing it without ‘telling.’ “Shining Girls” which has been a series hit, also uses the multiple universe concept but adds what I’ve been also included, which is the concept of mirrored neurons. In “Shining Girls” this concept is used to bind several people together as they move from different multi-verses. My idea is basically the same. No supernatural expression here nor intervention – just two men bonded by their mirrored neurons, but who are Yin/Yang opposites. This is where I’ve stretched the theory.
As to the gun fight, car chase and old building– I tried many other places, found they didn’t work for the story or the underlining images that I wanted. The gun fight is iconic and so much a symbol of the casual usage of guns today. The car chase is just a car chase, but I love the image of their cars emerging from the shimmers. It’s the familiar with something new. While in Arkansas on a television project, I had the opportunity to drive many of the country roads where the scenic views are spectacular. I also visited small towns across the state and can visualize the effect of a car chase through these ramshackle near ghost towns and the pristine neighborhoods that make you feel and breathe in “the South.” I also spent time with a Grand Dragon of the KKK, interviewing him along with many white supremacists. Arkansas is a breeding ground for white supremacy. The now derelict cotton mills that dot their state like sunken ships are incredibly meaningful to them and represent a past they bemoan losing. Hence, I saw using an old cotton mill as very befitting. Film in Arkansas is huge and derelict cotton mills are aplenty – which makes using it a good budget choice! I knew my concept was a tough one from the beginning but was encouraged by Cheryl to take it on. As I finish my first draft and head into my second, I will most definitely keep your comments in mind to make sure that I tell a story that makes sense logically. Many thanks for your clarity and time. All good stuff for me to continue to chew on.
Dev
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The last 10 pages
Love that you have this sweet opening – loving kind hopeful civilized ‘disagreement’
and then Kablam!
it all shifts when it gets tangled with that ‘other’ self!
and then the fact that somehow Nubia is drawn into that world too
and is she killed? or isnt she?
To me it suggests that when we are consumed by hate it colors everything we do, see, know. and love
like that there is the car chase they both survive only to plunge into the depths of the mill.
glad that you went back to Nubia.. is she dead?
really like the building crumbling as they shoot it up – shooting their world to pieces.
and the climax of the shimmers in the mill – with them being bounced all about.
makes the audience ask so what the heck IS real?
As said before really like how they die and what we see (or don’t)
Hmm… so re the ending
– we have the potential for a kind accepting universe? but those darned strings suggest there is a parallel nasty one?
and are we left with the Q- which will win out this time?
(BTW love how we meet the President)
I think it will be an epic technical feat but well worth it!
I also think be easier to follow/understand when seen not read!! I need the faces.
(Please have a look at mine if you have a chance.)
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Hi Dev, sorry for the delay. I was finishing my first draft. I promise to study your scene tomorrow (monday) June
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Hi Dev,
Sorry for the delay with my response. I’m proud of you. This is a beautifully visualized impressive work. My favorite scene is the one in the car with Nubia and Lincoln- it’s heartfelt and rings true.
Your logistics are excellent. You also clearly demonstrate how the multi-verses work- which was no easy feat. Brava. You click all the master skill boxes, too: I think you’ve fulfilled all of the criteria of ‘rules” as in: The ending is surprising. Also inevitable. The new world is a utopia, but the meaning of Adam rising – indicates that racism continues. The ending does resolve the main conflict. It’s not on the nose.
I love that the building keeps falling. At one point, I thought that the cotton mill roof would collapse and take them both out simultaneously.
Everybody dies- the definition of a tragedy. Well done. A good metaphor that the women unfortunately get taken out by foolish men.
Here are my reactions as I read your scenes. BTW, I’ve finally ‘finished’ my script- slapped on the ending so it’s extremely rough, but I’ll post my ten pages. Thank you for your notes and constant support. I’m looking forward to reading them, but wanted to keep my promise to you and post my thoughts tout suite. cheers! Great work!
Do you bring Adam in intermittently throughout the story? Love that Lincoln and Clay are both half black/half white.
Clay interrupts increasingly odd weather events as a sign from God that he can regain his power if he murders rising Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE. (very interesting)
Clay can’t accept the truth about his sister’s rape by black men, and his own half-black heritage. (Huh! Missed that in our scenes. Looking forward to reading those scenes)
As the two multi-verse worlds collide and, as a result, are dying, Clay finally realizes that there is another version of himself that has existed in another world – Black Leader Lincoln Able. (We’ve already learned that Lincoln is half white.) (Now I definitely have to read your whole script)
In the strings of the multi-verse, a new world is birthed that is free of racism. (This is a leap)
LAST PAGE: Another world is also birthed – one where white supremacist ADAM SPENCER is President. (Ah! very interesting. Cool idea)
If you ever do go back to church, you do it for you, not for me. (great line and conversation beautiful)
NUBIA Lincoln! Lincoln!! (wow)
Lincoln drives slowly, looking, searching… (excellent scene)
Lincoln still kneels in the street but — there’s no Nubia. Just an empty street and his still running car. He stumbles back to it, drives off. (hallucinogenic)
LINCOLN Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (great demonstration of the multi-verses)
EXT. STREETS HEADING INTO DOWNTOWN – NIGHT The cars tear through a downtown once fueled by cotton. Boarded up shops, derelict houses, and the near ghosts of that past that are all that’s left behind. (beautiful description. Can feel it)
Clay checks his rearview mirror, sees Lincoln’s car surging toward him. He casts his eyes ahead to see a huge
POTHOLE rapidly approaching. He swerves hard, too hard, loses control and rolls his car. In seconds, he’s out of it and running across a grassy plain toward the abandon mill. (nice! great logistics)
Lincoln instinctively gets low, searches the room… (nice)
A SHIMMER PASSES… leaving Lincoln directly in Clay’s purview. Lincoln’s squat down in hiding, his back to Clay. A sitting duck. (like this- very western)
I’ve got to hand it to you. I’m wavering here but not you. (On the nose)
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Hey Dev!
Here’s what I love about your ending!
To Michael’s point, I don’t see this as the universe trying to teach these two men a lesson, but rather one story of many in an indifferent universe’s natural progression, through weather, universe strings merging, etcetera. If that’s the case, I thoroughly enjoy this idea. It reminds me of Ecclesiastes or (going with an actual film for comparison) AKIRA. Have to go back to it every once in a while as I continue to learn how the Japanese tell stories versus western culture, and it’s rewarding each time. In case you haven’t seen it, there’re a number of subplots and questions raised, and yet they seemingly have no purpose or point to the actual story. However, it is that irrelevance to the main story that is the whole point: the things we give so much meaning to are an afterthought to fate, time, GOD, the universe, what have you. I love relating this same concept to race or perceived differences.
With that said, there’s also an element of fate deciding whether racism exists or not in that final image. Between the universes themselves creating cultures that act with racial prejudice, and the almost mythical nature that both Lincoln and Clay appear to represent that prejudice killing themselves and seemingly racism with them, as well as Adam taking control, there’s a lot of room for interpretation and discussion, even if the main theme of “we’re not so different, you and I” remains intact. This reminds me of INCEPTION, where the main story and theme (for the most part) were easy to understand and explain, while the deeper meanings can conjure a deluge of ideas and conversations.
What I have questions about…
While I love the deep philosophical discussion your story is aiming for, comparing it with the likes of AKIRA and INCEPTION, I will say that its complexity is perhaps a double edged sword. You have the framework necessary for this kind of story, but I also recollect INCEPTION taking Christopher Nolan about a decade to figure out, and I’m not going to pin that solely on him needing to make Batman for the money first. And while INCEPTION was a monumental success, his film TENNET is riddled with narrative structure problems, and needed maybe another several years of rewrites to get it to where it could’ve been. I know this is less about the specific skill mastery sheet checklist than it is an admittedly broad-brush note, and I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful. I’m just bringing it up that while I believe in your story and that it has the potential to be a phenomenon, this one may take a while to get the writing just right, because it has so much it wants to say.
I’m going to assume that when you write “FIRST TURNING POINT” you’re actually writing about your “SECOND TURNING POINT.” With that said, it appears your first two acts are effectively character studies on both Clay and Lincoln, allowing for us to get to know each character individually before it’s revealed to us through action that they’re not living in the same universe, but are actually part of separate universes on a collision course with each other. At least, that’s what I got out of your Setup. If that’s the case, I think that’s a very easy to understand structure and can be well executed to deliver your story’s theme. If that’s not what you’re going for, I may need a lot more information about your Setup and how it’s flooring us to this climactic finale.
I think most every part of this ending works to deliver a lot of nuance to this controversial issue: the way GOD and religion can be misinterpreted and abused, the fact that the Crisis isn’t just about Clay choosing to not accept his past, but also choosing to not accept himself, how the Climax is about these two people we’ve come to know as well as our family members tragically killing each other over the same thing (mirror images of each other), and the Resolution and Last Page delivering both a sense of hope and a warning for what we could become. As I stated above, I think a lot of this is going to come down to clearly stating each story part’s intent so that if you have to pitch your story in less than two minutes, we can get the entire meaning and see the whole structure of your story in that timeframe. If you allow the structure to be simple (familiar or instantly recognizable finish line(s)), you’ll have a lot more freedom to innovate the way your are in the theme and concept department.
I’m sorry for the lengthy notes and the more general nature they’re written. I would love to talk more about your story. Please let me know if you have any questions about what I’ve written here or would like me to go into more detail into a specific part of your ending.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Cameron,
I am so grateful to you for your well thought out and clear response to my posting of this assignment. You are dead on about my choices and why. I also know – especially in this case – that writing is re-writing and re-writing and re-writing. Years ago, I sold a script only to go through more than a dozen rewrites after a Producer was attached. And then – after an actor was attached, – a few more! (Unfortunately, the film was never made…sigh.)
In any event, I knew this story was going to be difficult for me. I had an option of going for an easier story to tell – had a dark comedy at my fingertips – but Cheryl of the Pro Series encouraged me to go with this story instead, knowing it would be harder but, hopefully, worth it.
I’ve come to so respect you and your work and, again, can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for your comments. They are gold to me.
Best,
Dev
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It’s my pleasure Dev!
That’s awesome that you actually have experience selling a script! I’d love to hear about that process if you’re open to it.
I feel Cheryl on her encouraging such a difficult script. The only screenplay I’ve finished put me through a clinic from trying to juggle androids, religious AI, classical myth, reincarnation, cyborgs, deconstruction of faith, family dynamics, as well as your typical character drama stuff in under 130 pages. I learned so much from just trying to get it to function correctly.
Thank your for the amazingly kind words! They make my whole day!
Thanks again!
Cam
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Hi Cameron,
I’ve been a writer for hire for some time and am known for my work in animation. In animation, my work of note is the animated LAND BEFORE TIME sequels, the ALADDIN sequel for Disney (I was one of a team of writers), BALTO II, WOLF QUEST for Universal Studios, and I’m a fan favorite writer for Disney’s original DARKWING DUCK. As for Live Action, I’ve been hired to write two different screenplays that the producers were never able to pull off. I did sell one of my specs to a producer/director but all of this was done through my agent. Again, it was never made…. So, so far I’ve had smoke but no fire! My agent has been a great help in negotiating deals but as you know or have heard, getting work takes lots of work by the writer! I’ve been able to get my work out there via contests, my too few contacts in the industry, and networking with up and coming producers and directors looking for their first projects. It’s not easy. Many of the people I knew have now retired and so I’m back doing my best to network with new industry insiders. I was just deemed a finalist (though I didn’t win) in a biopic Stage32 contest and have already had two managers reach out to me! So… we shall see! I’m not an expert on getting work but if you have questions, I’m happy to try and address them.
All the best!
Dev
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June Fortunato’s Hi! I’ve put together, finally, the ending of my script, so this is an edited update in case you want to read my scenes. Thank you Michael, Dev, Anita for your great notes.
What I learned I don’t have the last scenes/resolution written. I have 103 pages. I intend to finish my screenplay during this exchange period. Like Cameron I decided to submit my synopsis, breakdown. Good idea, Cameron. Going through my timeline in this way helps. I don’t have everything buttoned down and want to emulate ‘Green Book’ which shows payoff after payoff. I have much to do.
1. SETUP: Give us a paragraph or two about the first two acts so we’ll understand the story.
Two protagonists. Romance. Roy’s girl, Nurse Suzy, moved out and Roy, 67, veteran, needs a more permanent retirement plan. He tries jail, but the food sucks, so he aims to land in Nurse Suzy’s hospital ward, which has better conditions. He goads an inmate in jail to beat him and nearly dies. (Inciting incident, Roy)
Kim, 60s, artist, who was kicked out of her own house, returns to claim her right and is thrown down a staircase by her sister in law, Ingrid. (Inciting incident, Kim) and lands in the same hospital ward as Roy. Suzy wants to help Roy get his own life and contacts a lawyer who’s anxious to date Suzy. They learn that Roy declared himself dead, and to get his benefits, must bring him back to a ‘live’ status.
2. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.
The meet cute When Roy and Kim meet, they’re smitten with each other. Roy helps Kim to escape her brother’s plot to institutionalize her. (Opponents plot) When Kim escapes, she helps a woman, Marilyn, in a boutique, and ‘borrows’ Marilyn’s car. Marilyn, frail, gets home late and her dogs mow her down. She breaks her hips and ends in Suzy’s hospital ward. (Inciting incident, Marilyn) Marilyn is desperate for someone to take care of her dogs, and solicits Suzy to check in on them. Suzy wants to hook Roy up with the dogs which is also a place to stay.
3. CRISIS — The decision point. In court, Roy is ordered to find a permanent residence in 6 weeks or be assigned a financial guardian. His benefits are established, and the back-payments pay his debts. (Clock ticking. Roy has lost his battle to reject being a citizen- aka, not be ‘dead’) Kim squats in a theatre and uses the office to copy papers and mail letters. (Protagonist fight back against the opponents)
Brian and Ingrid (opponents move) stole Kim’s identity and money, and now forge Kim’s signature to steal her half of the house. Ingrid will enlist her lover and Brian’s coworker, Oren, to falsely notarize their revised house deed and take Kim’s name off of the house. Roy and Kim meet up again while squatting at the Bellevue. They hang out together, and take a trip to Atlantic City. Kim inadvertently triggers a PTSD attack in Roy, and they split. (Crisis) They individually make their ways back to Philly. Suzy, dating the lawyer and still pet sitting for Marilyn, is anxious to get Roy to take over the pet sitting. When Suzy sees Roy, she presses him to help her. He declines.
3. CRISIS #2 — The decision point. Roy tries to get an apartment, as per court order, and is rejected. He spots a film crew and pretends he has a gig to work with them. The work doesn’t trigger his PTSD. That’s a surprise. It’s because of Kim.
Roy still needs a place to live and doesn’t have Kim. His body is broken. Kim hijacks her brother, Brian, (opponent) in her car (which he stole) and takes him on a harrowing ride to threaten him to straighten up. He digs in with his efforts to ruin Kim. (down ending)
4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
Act Three Kim goes to the hospital to ask Suzy about Roy. Marilyn recognizes Kim and presses her to pet sit. Kim learns that Marilyn’s woes are her fault. Kim can’t bear herself. She’s guilted into pet sitting. Suzy will show her the ropes. While she’s pet sitting, Roy learns where Kim is and goes to Marilyn’s to find Kim. They hook up.
Kim finds Roy’s medal and he risks PTSD to tell her why they gave it to him. Kim meets the lawyer, Denny. Meanwhile, Kim’s letters, aka whistleblowing, have reached the bank and Federal authorities, Brian and Ingrid’s co-conspirator, Oren, is caught and tells all about Brian and Ingrid. Kim and Roy sneak Marilyn’s dogs into the hospital to visit her. Marilyn meets Roy, finally. Kim confesses about Marilyn’s car. Marilyn isn’t buying it, but Kim leaves Roy with Marilyn and the dogs and escapes. Kim asks Suzy for (divulged later) the lawyer’s contact info. Roy, alone in Marilyn’s house with the dogs, hates being without Kim. He asks Suzy if she knows where Kim is.
5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.
Unwritten.
Denny finds the flaws in the deed and makes calls. (Denny- lawyer’s office) Kim’s identity was stolen, too. Her bank accounts drained by Ingrid. Lawyer speaks with the men who are investigating Oren. Oren calls Ingrid to warn her. Ingrid packs a suitcase. Feds have Brian and Ingrid’s assets seized as well as Oren’s. Marilyn gets better and will eventually return home, but can’t have the big dogs anymore. Brian, at the office, is called in for questioning. (at the bank) Agents stop Ingrid as she’s about to slip into an Uber. (cottage) Roy catches up with Kim. Kim asks Roy to come into her house, to live with him. And to have and to hold.
6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
Time passes. Roy is grilling. Kim’s garden blooms. Outdoor table set, festive. Suzy and Denny come to dinner carrying food. Marilyn, in a wheelchair, is there. The dogs run wild. Kim brings a wine and chocolates to the table.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of the whole movie.
Kim– do you think you can put up with me?
Roy. Are you going to keep running away?
Kim. Maybe. As long as you promise to follow.
Possible ending song: “You’re the Cream in My Coffee” You’re the cream in my coffee, You’re the salt in my stew, You will always be my necessity, I’d be lost without you.” 1928.
THE LAST TEN PAGES OF RETIREMENT- ROUGH, BUT HERE THEY ARE.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT
Roy and Kim lie on the living room floor in their skivvies, teasing the dogs-who apparently have long since warmed up to Roy. Kim steals glances at scars on Roy’s back.
ROY You hungry? I’m hungry.
KIM Starving!
Roy pulls on his pants.
ROY I’ll buy something.
KIM Suzy said to use what’s here. Marilyn’s afraid it’ll go to waste.
ROY Dang. This place gets better and better.
Kim tosses a toy pillow at him and Woofie runs for it. Giggles.
KIM Atta boy!
ROY I am an EX Perto at Huevos rancheros.
KIM I’m in!
ROY SpI CEE.
He roars. Kim laughs.
KIM Fry me!
ROY Now you’re talking my lingo.
Roy goes into the kitchen and sings the 1963 classic by the Chiffons,
“He’s so fine.”
ROY (O.S.)
(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) (Do-lang-do-lang) She’s so fine (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Hope she is mine.(Do-lang-dolang- do-lang)
Kim tosses the pillow again and it hits Roy’s backpack.
That pretty girl over there. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) The one with the sexy brown hair. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
Kim crawls to his backpack and peeks in.
I don’t know how I’m gonna do it (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) But I’m really gonna try (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
Kim can’t help herself. She slides her hand into the backpack and comes up with Roy’s war medal.
To keep her warm and happy, (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) and keep her by my side. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Gotta be mine. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Sooner or later. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) I hope it’s not later.(Do-langdo- lang-do-lang)
Roy comes bouncing backwards out of the kitchen with plates full of eggs, covered in hot sauce.
(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
And sees her questioning look. Then he sees his medal. He sets the eggs onto a coffee table and approaches her.
KIM It’s none of my business. I’m sorry.
She turns to put it back. He gets to her.
I suck.
He gently takes the medal from her.
Roy?
ROY This is what they give you when half the people die.
Pause.
KIM Don’t… You don’t have to tell me.
ROY I want you to know me.
Pause.
My buddy, Joe, was there. I could do anything with Joe. We were wild ass.
Pause. The air was wet… dripping. We couldn’t get a breath. We knew they were there – Deadly quiet. Too quiet. Too. Still. They were there. Where? You get that – those other senses. Shaking. All of us. So Joe and I, we looked at each other. Then I hightailed it to an open area yelling. Lookie here! Look you motherfuckers! Shoot, muthafuckers! Joe, my
brother, right behind me. We got blasted and our unit nailed them. All of them. So they tell me. Like dead ants drowned in poison.
KIM But…
ROY Joe wasn’t hurt too bad. That time. He dragged me back. Called Med E-VAC. I was treated like a king by a couple of hotsie totsie nurses. EX-CEPTION-AL chemicals. But that little EX PIER EE ENCE lit his fire. So we went back.
KIM Where’s he now?
Silence.
Then Ludwig bolts to the door, Woofie close behind – desperate to get out. The two push against the door. Kim looks back toward the coffee table.
So, how spicy were the eggs?
Roy spots the empty egg plates.
ROY Hershey squirts spicy.
Kim pulls on clothes and they hustle the boys out the door.
EXT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Suzy and Denny cross the street toward the house when Woofie, Ludwig, Roy and Kim barrel out.
SUZY Roy?
ROY Suzy Q!
SUZY Everything all right?
ROY Midnight rock n roll.
KIM We’re perfect.
ROY Kim meet Denny.
As they zoom by.
He’s my lawyer.
SUZY Roy! You’ve got to meet Marilyn.
ROY He’s HER lawyer.
SUZY In the MORNING.
KIM Nice to meet you, Denny, Mr. Lawyer.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – DAWN Roy and Kim are on the living room floor on bed linens. The dogs sleep on the couch. Roy, drenched in sweat, shakes with a nightmare.
KIM Roy? Roy. Wake up. Roy.
Roy wakes in a panic. Then he sees Kim. She strokes his face.
KIM It was Joe, wasn’t it? With the chocolates. And the little girl.
ROY Yes. She took my brother. One wake up left and we could join the world.
KIM And the other little girl? The second bomber?
ROY She was wired. Who wires children What kind of fuck? She was shaking. That little girl. And I shot her. I shot a child. She exploded – flesh – everywhere- all over my brother.
Roy cries. Long Pause.
I shot a child! I’ll never forgive myself.
KIM I’m here.
ROY Such a hero, they said. Here’s a medal, they said. For what? For what?
KIM I’ve got you. I’ve got you.
She holds and rocks him.
LONG WHITE DISSOLVE TO DAYLIGHT
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – BRIGHT MORNING Kim, a lookout, enters through the stairwell. Nobody’s at the nurse’s station.
KIM (whispers) OK!
Roy, Woofie and Ludwig sneak in and the four zip into Marilyn’s room. Tara leans her head out of a patient’s door puzzled, having just missed the gang.
INT. BANK – CFO’S OFFICE – MORNING CFO holds Kim’s documents, her manilla envelope below them. Oren, flanked by two suits stands in front of the desk, sweating bullets.
CFO Who else is involved?
And the door is closed.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM – MORNING -CONTINUOUS Marilyn, frail, sits in a chair.
MARILYN My boys! Oh, oh I missed you. Woofie, be gentle.
The dogs rush to her, Kim closes the door and signals to be quiet. The dogs lick her, leap and twirl. She points to the side of the chair.
Side!
ROY Mama’s boys!
MARILYN Oh, goodness! Oh. Thank you! Oh, I don’t know how to thank you. Ludwig, come.
She studies his muzzle.
Are you grayer?
KIM This is Roy.
MARILYN Ah! Now, I understand.
Marilyn looks between Kim and Roy.
You’re the man Suzy is so fond of.
Kim giggles.
ROY I do love dogs.
MARILYN And my lovely friend. How did you do last night?
KIM Wonderful. You have a gorgeous home. I played your piano.
MARILYN I taught piano.
Kim is suddenly overwhelmed. Quietly.
KIM You did?
Pause.
MARILYN Yes. And I played for the orchestra.
Kim is stunned. Long pause.
ROY It would appear that they like eggs.
KIM It’s all my fault.
MARILYN What?
ROY Kim?
MARILYN What’s wrong, dear?
KIM I did something terrible. I didn’t think. It’s all my fault.
MARILYN What did you do?
KIM I caused your accident.
Roy studies Kim.
MARILYN Oh, silly. Woofie knocked me down.
KIM I took your car. I brought it back. But that’s why they couldn’t find it.
Kim heads for the door.
KIM I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You have Roy, now. He’s a good man. He’ll take care of them.
ROY Kim. Don’t leave.
KIM Everybody just… give up on me.
Kim rushes out the door. Roy jumps up and follows her but the dogs whine and Roy turns to shush them. And then Kim has vanished.
INT. BANK – CFO’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS Oren, with investigators watching, makes a phone call.
INT. COTTAGE – EARLY AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Ingrid’s cell phone rings. She listens.
INGRID Fuck.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – MORNING Kim on a bench, stares at the sky. She sits there for a long time. Finally she starts to mutter. Her voice gets louder with each phrase.
KIM I will not give up on myself. I am strong. I will right the wrongs. I believe. I will win.
Kim rises.
I deserve justice. I deserve a good life.
INT. BANK – BRIAN’S OFFICE – EARLY AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Brian sits behind his desk. Agents, Oren following, enter and close Brian’s door.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – EARLY AFTERNOON Kim stands in front of Suzy, who’s on the phone. Tara pretends to work and listens.
SUZY OK if I send her over?
Suzy gives Kim a thumbs up.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – EARLY AFTERNOON Roy browses a bookshelf and pulls out The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. He sits, opens the book and can’t concentrate. He looks around. The empty piano. Everything still. Quiet. The dogs curl up next to him. To Woofie.
ROY Ain’t this a kick in the head?
INT. COTTAGE – AFTERNOON – SOON AFTER Ingrid drags a large suitcase and rushes to the exit.
INT. DENNY’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON Denny reads Kim’s documents as she watches with trepidation.
DENNY Do you have time now to record a deposition?
KIM It’s good?
Denny pauses.
DENNY Kim, you’ve unearthed the mother load.
INT. BANK – BRIAN’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON Brian, holds a handful of items from his office as security guards and federal agents escort him and Oren out.
FBI AGENT 1 Your assets are frozen. You’re under arrest for grand larceny…
CFO And a truckload of other crimes. And we WILL recover every dime you embezzled from this bank. Count on it. Now get out of my sight.
BRIAN I’m innocent until proven guilty.
The CFO waves Kim’s papers at Brian.
CFO Out. Both of you.
EXT. COTTAGE – AFTERNOON Ingrid rushes to catch her Uber and police cars pull into the driveway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM – AFTERNOON Tara takes Marilyn’s vitals.
TARA You’re doing so much better today!
MARILYN Roy’s a lovely man!
TARA Um hum.
MARILYN Woofie and Ludwig have taken to him.
TARA Huh.
MARILYN Can you keep a secret?
TARA Don’t tell me. But next time, have Roy take you outside in a chair when they visit.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – EARLY EVENING – RUSH HOUR Roy searches past people leaving work, eating at cafes, shopping, walking dogs.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS – CONTINUOUS Roy checks out hallways and stairwells.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – EARLY EVENING – CONTINUOUS Roy, slower and slower, searches the park, and near LaCroix is jolted by a sudden, sharp pain. He looks down. Blood drips onto his shoes. He slides to his butt. And people step over him, like so much trash.
LONG DISSOLVE <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>EXT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT Roy limps and gingerly takes the boys for a walk.
ROY Slow. I didn’t forget you.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM – MORNING Marilyn is in a wheelchair, and Kim prepares to push her.
MARILYN Will he come? Will he bring my boys?
KIM If he doesn’t, at least you’ll feel the sun on your face.
MARILYN But why didn’t you come together?
KIM Marilyn, I owe it to you. I’m trying to be better. I’m trying. But I understand if.. I’m… Unforgivable. Pause.
MARILYN I forgive you. Pause. Dear. We do careless things, we humans. Pause.
KIM I’ve never been forgiven before.
MARILYN Next time, it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
Suzy pops her head into the room.
SUZY Roy called. Oh, hi Kim. You’re not with Roy? (pause) Marilyn, he can’t manage coming right now. But the dogs are fine, walked and fed. Pause. To Kim.
MARILYN Well? What’re you waiting for?
KIM Absolutely nothing.
Kim heads out.
SUZY Doctor will be in to see you.
EXT. MARILYN’S HOME – MORNING Roy, crumpled, rests on Marilyn’s steps with the dogs. Kim approaches and Woofie barks.
KIM This is your lucky day.
ROY (barely a whisper) Sugar!
She helps Roy up and they open the door.
KIM Marilyn says we can stay in her crib and use her address for mail.
ROY FANTASTICO.
KIM But there’s a condition.
ROY De rigueur. What?
KIM As long as we’re together.
Pause. He studies Kim.
ROY Then I’d better buy track shoes.
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL – DAY Ingrid’s voice carries through the cellblock. Brian and Oren are in the holding cell with two guys suffering withdrawal.
INGRID (O.S.) You’re worthless. You’re a loser.
BRIAN Officer, please shut her up.
INGRID (O.S.) As soon as I get out of here, I’m filing for divorce.
A police officer walks past Brian and Oren’s cell toward the voice.
POLICE (O.S.) Can it.
ON BLACK SCREEN <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ONE YEAR LATER <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>FADE IN:
EXT. KIM & ROY’S HOUSE – AFTERNOON Roy grills. Kim’s garden is in full bloom. An outdoor table is set for six. The yard is festive. Ludwig and Woofie beg for treats. Denny carries food and Suzy guides Marilyn who uses a walker. The dogs see her and are ecstatic.
ROY Down. Calm! What’s crackin?
Tara appears.
TARA You crazy fools! Congratulations!
KIM Welcome to our house.
SUZY It’s about time you did the deed.
Denny shakes Roy’s hand. Gives Kim a hug.
MARILYN I wouldn’t miss it for all the world. Thank you for keeping my babies happy.
SUZY But that’s rude that you eloped! I mean, come-on!
KIM Finally.
Kim sets wine and a small wedding cake on the table.
KIM Have a seat. Let me get you some wine.
Roy helps. Kim pulls Roy aside and holds him.
KIM So, do you think you can put up with me?
ROY Are you going to keep running away?
KIM Maybe. As long as you promise to follow.
MUSIC UP. You’re the cream in my coffee, You’re the salt in my stew, You will always be my necessity, I’d be lost without you.” “You’re the Cream in My Coffee” 1928
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Hi June,
Would you like to exchange feedback?
Thanks,
Michael
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Yes. Thanks.
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Hi June,
My thoughts are the underlines…
June Fortunato’s Completely OUTLINED third Act Day 9, endings
What I learned I don’t have the last scenes/resolution written. I have 103 pages. I intend to finish my screenplay during this exchange period. Like Cameron I decided to submit my synopsis, breakdown. Good idea, Cameron. Going through my timeline in this way helps. I don’t have everything buttoned down and want to emulate ‘Green Book’ which shows payoff after payoff. I have much to do. — I’m sorry but I had trouble tracking and understanding what was going on, I went back to your Day 2 assignment to read your main conflict and character arcs but I also had trouble tracking and understanding that as well, my suggestion is to boil down your answers to all of Hal’s questions so that there’s one clear thought or phrase that depicts your intentions, obviously you know what you are going for but I was not able to get it, though the plot doesn’t seem complicated…it feels convoluted, I’m sorry I am not better able to digest this assignment for you, I hope at least some of my comments below are a little helpful
1. SETUP: Give us a paragraph or two about the first two acts so we’ll understand the story.
Two protagonists. Romance. Roy’s girl, Nurse Suzy, moved out and Roy, 67, veteran, needs a more permanent retirement plan. He tries jail, but the food sucks, so he aims to land in Nurse Suzy’s hospital ward, which has better conditions. He goads an inmate in jail to beat him and nearly dies. (Inciting incident, Roy)
Kim, 60s, artist, who was kicked out of her own house, returns to claim her right and is thrown down a staircase by her sister in law, Ingrid. (Inciting incident, Kim) and lands in the same hospital ward as Roy. Suzy wants to help Roy get his own life and contacts a lawyer who’s anxious to date Suzy. They learn that Roy declared himself dead, and to get his benefits, must bring him back to a ‘live’ status.
2. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.
The meet cute When Roy and Kim meet, they’re smitten with each other. Roy helps Kim to escape her brother’s plot to institutionalize her. (Opponents plot) When Kim escapes, she helps a woman, Marilyn, in a boutique, and ‘borrows’ Marilyn’s car. Marilyn, frail, gets home late and her dogs mow her down. She breaks her hips and ends in Suzy’s hospital ward. (Inciting incident, Marilyn) Marilyn is desperate for someone to take care of her dogs, and solicits Suzy to check in on them. Suzy wants to hook Roy up with the dogs which is also a place to stay. — plot point 2 is supposed to be a scene at the end of act two but it sure seems like a lot is happening here, do roy and kim really meet for the first time at the end of the 2nd act? wouldn’t that be late for your story? perhaps all this is meant to be part of the setup/first 2 acts, is it just the dogs opportunity that really sends it into Act 3? is that even a major twist? tbh I’m not tracking the multiple storylines very well
3. CRISIS — The decision point. In court, Roy is ordered to find a permanent residence in 6 weeks or be assigned a financial guardian. His benefits are established, and the back-payments pay his debts. (Clock ticking. Roy has lost his battle to reject being a citizen- aka, not be ‘dead’) Kim squats in a theatre and uses the office to copy papers and mail letters. (Protagonist fight back against the opponents)
Brian and Ingrid (opponents move) stole Kim’s identity and money, and now forge Kim’s signature to steal her half of the house. Ingrid will enlist her lover and Brian’s coworker, Oren, to falsely notarize their revised house deed and take Kim’s name off of the house. Roy and Kim meet up again while squatting at the Bellevue. They hang out together, and take a trip to Atlantic City. Kim inadvertently triggers a PTSD attack in Roy, and they split. (Crisis) They individually make their ways back to Philly. Suzy, dating the lawyer and still pet sitting for Marilyn, is anxious to get Roy to take over the pet sitting. When Suzy sees Roy, she presses him to help her. He declines.
3. CRISIS #2 — The decision point. Roy tries to get an apartment, as per court order, and is rejected. He spots a film crew and pretends he has a gig to work with them. The work doesn’t trigger his PTSD. That’s a surprise. It’s because of Kim.
Roy still needs a place to live and doesn’t have Kim. His body is broken. Kim hijacks her brother, Brian, (opponent) in her car (which he stole) and takes him on a harrowing ride to threaten him to straighten up. He digs in with his efforts to ruin Kim. (down ending)
Same note as plot point 2 – isn’t the crisis just supposed to be 1 scene or a short sequence at most? you have a lot a stuff happening, and for me I am having trouble understanding the crises decisions
4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
Act Three Kim goes to the hospital to ask Suzy about Roy. Marilyn recognizes Kim and presses her to pet sit. Kim learns that Marilyn’s woes are her fault. Kim can’t bear herself. She’s guilted into pet sitting. Suzy will show her the ropes. While she’s pet sitting, Roy learns where Kim is and goes to Marilyn’s to find Kim. They hook up.
Kim finds Roy’s medal and he risks PTSD to tell her why they gave it to him. Kim meets the lawyer, Denny. Meanwhile, Kim’s letters, aka whistleblowing, have reached the bank and Federal authorities, Brian and Ingrid’s co-conspirator, Oren, is caught and tells all about Brian and Ingrid. Kim and Roy sneak Marilyn’s dogs into the hospital to visit her. Marilyn meets Roy, finally. Kim confesses about Marilyn’s car. Marilyn isn’t buying it, but Kim leaves Roy with Marilyn and the dogs and escapes. Kim asks Suzy for (divulged later) the lawyer’s contact info. Roy, alone in Marilyn’s house with the dogs, hates being without Kim. He asks Suzy if she knows where Kim is.
5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.
Unwritten.
Denny finds the flaws in the deed and makes calls. (Denny- lawyer’s office) Kim’s identity was stolen, too. Her bank accounts drained by Ingrid. Lawyer speaks with the men who are investigating Oren. Oren calls Ingrid to warn her. Ingrid packs a suitcase. Feds have Brian and Ingrid’s assets ceased as well as Oren’s. Brian, at the office, is called in for questioning. (at the bank) Agents stop Ingrid as she’s about to slip into an Uber. (cottage) Roy catches up with Kim. Kim asks Roy to come into her house, to live with him. And to have and to hold. — isn’t this the climax???
6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
Time passes. Roy is grilling. Kim’s garden blooms. Outdoor table set, festive. Suzy and Denny come to dinner carrying food. Marilyn, in a wheelchair, is there. The dogs run wild. — this is the Resolution
Kim brings a wine and chocolates to the table. — this is the final page, their conversation
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of the whole movie.
Kim– do you think you can put up with me?
Roy. Are you going to keep running away?
Kim. Maybe. As long as you promise to follow. — excellent
Possible ending song: “You’re the Cream in My Coffee” You’re the cream in my coffee, You’re the salt in my stew, You will always be my necessity, I’d be lost without you.” 1928.
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Hi June,
Looking forward – ALWAYS – to reading your work. Would be so kind to read mine?
thanks!
Dev
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absolutely. Ditto. Thanks.
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Hi June,
I really appreciate reading your outline summary. It has answered questions for me I had along the way from reading a few of your scenes. Good to fill in the gaps!
It reads like a real romp. I know your dialogue is a hoot, and will keep it all moving.
There are admittedly quite a number of characters to keep track of. Just for the sake of simplicity perhaps Kim’s brother and sister-in-law could be wrapped into just one person? Don’t know. Maybe Brian and Ingrid play off each other too well? It just seems that maybe if she only had one antagonist it streamlines a bit?
I’ve always liked the vet / PTSD dynamics that you’ve built into Roy.
When you have Kim leave Roy (the last time) it seems like such a bummer. But then, because of this I really love your last lines:
Roy. Are you going to keep running away?
Kim. Maybe. As long as you promise to follow.
Overall it feels like Roy is a very well developed character. Kim’s personality and motives leave me with a few more questions. That said – I obviously haven’t read your whole script! But I can’t wait to do just that.
If you can, I’d love your take on my last scene, and how you see which of the 3 options for ending it plays for you.
Best regards,
Anita
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thank you! You bet. I’m looking forward to reading your last scene. June
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Alice’s Completed Third Act
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is
It feels a little bit too quick. A bit fragmental. I enjoyed doing the assignment.
MIROPOLIS
SEPARATION
Show us your final act by giving us one paragraph on each
of the following:
1. SETUP: Give us a paragraph or two about the first two acts so
we’ll understand the story.
Part 1
Story occurs at planet MIROPOLIS, at Western hemisphere. They are techno society, and have artificial death, called SEPARATION, which supposes to protect its owner.
At huge ground of Research Institute workers keep missing. When mystery uncovers, strange words spelled at the process about filtering of society lead to creation of Zones.
2. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards
its final destination.
Part 2
Seventy Years After Separation
LENA, young girl born inside, runs away from one of Restricted Reservations after her Ward’s death.
3. CRISIS — The decision point.
Outside she is accidentally picked up by Son of Main Commander, second military rank from the top. They undergo ups and downs in ‘close to Civil War’ situation inside of the country, but finish up together.
4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the
Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
Complex and absurd situation occurs at their stay as a couple at a hotel, resulting at long wakeful night, full of events.
5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up
loose ends.
Young Military “Boy” they’ve met made his own conclusions, and becomes a ward. There, he liberates a couple, gets shot, and must come back to reservation forever, instead of getting death sentence, for the use of fire weapon, prohibited for wards to use on civilians inside of zone.
6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
It ends up, as Part 1, with Separation of main hero.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of
the whole movie.
Final words of LENA, after her husband Separates. “Quiet Street. Small House!”
Last scene is at a hospital, quick talk in between of their friends. It supposes to propel us subtly into future of MIROPOLIS, where zones would continue, and how would it be.
IRONICAL Ending
End with a Future
A. The Setup / Payoff final page.
C. The Climax/Resolution final page.
E. The “One last gesture” final page.
F. The Shock final page
Last 10 pages
Part 1
RESOLUTION:
INT. JUDGE’S APPARTMENT – EVENING
Judge’s Son patiently withstands as they snap him on cameras.
Flashing of cameras, as Photographer does photo session.
YOUNG WOMAN REPORTER
Prior we go into detail, could you tell us about your father, and what kind of person he was?
INT. NEWS OFFICE – NIGHT
Otak, in coat and fedora, sits with bunch of newspapers and pad and pencil, leisurely stretching his feet out. BOSS at the desk, checking ins and outs. Television screen fixed overhead displays news.
WOMAN DICTOR ON THE SCREEN
At the scandalous process, man prior Separating, propagated to filter human population for possible criminal activity, to preserve Advanced Society of MIROPOLIS The Universal City.
Boss softly persuades Otak, his journalist.
BOSS
Look, Otak, what have you written! ‘Man, after SEPARATING, walked down the aisle!’ Tell me now, who will understand, what you say? Ughm? Do we continue to walk after we Separate? What would people think of nano-technology, of Separation in particular, after reading your add?
Otak, though touched on his nerve, responds humorously.
OTAK
Go, find another journalist.
Boss rolls eyes up in demeanor. Sighs.
RESOLUTION:
People with strict faces are at building construction, meant for outcastes.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
FIRST SOCIAL SERVICES WERE DOING IT, THEN WHEN JAILS WENT FULL, THEY GOT THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, AND CALLED IN MILITARY…
Part 2
RESOLUTION:
INT. HOTEL#2 ROOM – MORNING
Son of Main Commander keeps standing at the window, as Le-na is under blanket.
LENA
I might find myself some another husband.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
You mean, I don’t do any sex?
Pause.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
I wonder, what wife of that man is doing now?
LENA
She looks into other cameras! Woman from next door told me.
Woman he mentions is seen in the window across the street. She’s all dressed and in make up.
Have taken a walk along the room, she picks up long gun and points that to the window, aiming for hot blond in hotel room next door.
Son of Main Commander, shocked, observes that from behind the curtain.
Woman across the street takes good aim, and shoots hot blond down.
Then she goes out.
She appears on the street, heading for Hotel.
In a seconds, she is leaded out by two soldiers, detained.
Son of Main Commander opens his window.
Woman across the road looks up, sees Son of Main Commander in the window, looking down on her.
WOMAN ACROSS THE ROAD
He killed my husband!
Passerby glances up in expectation.
Son of Main Commander gives order right out of window to military bunch bellow.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Arrest him!
Some another middle-aged pedestrian turns around with curiosity to see that.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
And this ONE!
Soldiers follow.
MIDDLE-AGED PEDESTRIAN
For what?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
You was curious to see someone arrested.
“BOY”
Are we going to arrest on the street?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Yes.
“BOY”
There won’t be enough of us.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Call addition.
INT. HOTEL #3 ROOM – NIGHT
LENA and Son of Main Commander in bed. Sirens in the distance. He embraces her, tense. But cars run by, as if chasing someone. He relaxes. It’s not after them!
RESOLUTION TO PART 2
Wrapping up:
INT. FIGHTING ROOM – DAY
“Boy” is getting martial training. He’s practicing combat.
DECADE LATER
“Boy”, ALATOU now matured. Practicing martial arts.
INT. RESTRICTED ZONE – DAY
Taking PAIR out of the zone.
Now ward, Alatou surveys it down the staircase, as young couple continues upward, where Alatou’s partners keeps waiting.
As they almost reach the roof, gunfire starts unexpectedly from above. Young couple press to the wall. Alatou’s partner fires back, gets shot, and rolls down the stairs.
Girl presses her hands to her ears, and screams all her might, her boyfriend shocked, embraces her by the shoulders.
Alatou waits for those upstairs show themselves, then keeps firing, till he shoots all three men down.
He with pain considers motionless partner on the stairs.
Steps running from bellow.
ALATOU
Go, run for it!
Pair disappears in direction of the roof, running for helicopter that came after them.
Alatou goes down, and meets those people from bellow with gunfire. He shoots two more down. Reloads his gun.
Slowly he continues along the landing. Noise from behind.
Alatou turns, and they fire at same time, Alatou killing his opponent, but getting shot and dropping down on the floor unconscious.
LATER
Three women come, and pick up unconscious Alatou, and carry him to nearby apartment.
INT. ZONE APPARTMENT – DAY
Words in distinct handwriting, as one of women keeps writing report.
“REPORT ON THE WARD, SHOT IN GUNFIRE, DONE BY FOUANTA, DEEALAKA, AND GEENA.
WARD ALATOU IS ALIVE, BUT UNCONSCIOUS.
HE IS NOW UNDER OUR SUPERVISION. PROMPT MEDICAL HELP REQUIRED.”
INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY
Young Couple report to the military across the table.
MILITARY
You say, he was shooting?
BOYFRIEND
He was really shooting! He put three men down!
Excitement on young people’s faces.
Military across the table scratches behind his ear, considering report on them. Looks dumbfounded.
INT. TRIBUNAL – DAY
Hearing room. Alatou gets down into chair before Tribunal.
Son of Main Commander and Psychologist are amid those couple of people who preside at the table. Also military officer who placed interview for this couple, saved by Alatou.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
You are sentenced to death by firing squad!
Alatou gets it to be a bad joke, believing not they mean it, being his friends. He rises from his chair.
ALATOU
How could you?… How’d you dare?… Do you know a number, how many I killed?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Sit down, we solved that for you. You go back to reservation.
Alatou calms completely right away, and loosens himself back on a chair.
PSYCHOLOGIST
My darling, do you understand that you move away forever? That you are never to come back?
ALATOU
And what would you like? Would these three sluts loose their last Hope into something Sacred?
EXT. ROADSIDE – DAY
Single empty roadside near flat lot with green grass.
Doors of school bus gets closed. Bus leaves on.
INT. PRIVATE RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Le-na walks out of kitchen into open guestroom, replacing items where her children dropped them, running for bus…
…up to Son of Main Commander who sits in deep reverie.
Phone rings. He turns no attention.
Ringing stops.
Le-na touches his shoulder.
LENA
Do you still think of it?
He comes back to reality.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
No. It doesn’t make any sense. I just would get killed.
Le-na sits on his lap, observing his facial expression, as she is still worried.
He returns her look back.
She starts rushing, and pulls string off her neck, bearing pendant, as if she wants to put it on him, as amulet for protection.
He stops her movement by firmly grabbing her wrists and doesn’t let her realize that.
For a while they silently look at each other. She anxiously, he with affirmation.
He lets go of her. Relaxes.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
I’ll go.
He gets up, letting Le-na in a chair instead of him.
Dons his military headwear, pulls at jacket, and heads out.
Phone rings again. Le-na picks it up.
LENA
No, he’s gone.
Puts it back on receiver.
EXT. PRIVATE RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Flat piece of lot where their one-leveled private house with triangular fronton is. No other houses around.
Son of Main Commander walks distance away from the house, then stops.
Wind blows into his face.
He Separates. Both sides of his face move apart a bit forward, along vertical slot with even edges. He keeps standing same way, with same facial expression.
Wind keeps blowing over grass.
BLACK OUT
Lost Voice of LENA.
LENA (O.S.)
QUIET STREET. SMALL HOUSE!
Pause.
INT. HOSPITAL #2 – NIGHT
Worn out Alatou, incognito in civil clothes, in black leather jacket, keeps in a wait at the wall of Hospital corridor.
Psychologist turns out.
ALATOU
How is LENA?
PSYCHOOGIST
She’s no good. Where is your pair?
Alatou nods aside, along the corridor.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Are they all right?
ALATOU
Yes.
Glances aside, as if running to go. There are still female partners outside he’s eager to meet prior his leave.
ALATOU
Good Night.
FADE OUT.
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Hey Alice!
Here’s what I love about your ending!
I love the philosophical concept of Separation and the potential ethical and natural conflicts that arise from it. It feels very DUNE-like in how it takes place in world so far into the future that science looks like magic and civilization is recognizable but not necessarily relatable. I envy writers that create stories from this sub-genre of science fiction. They’re the true trailblazers of the genre as a whole.
What I have questions about…
This is where it gets really difficult for me because the language barrier naturally creates confusion, at least I’m assuming English isn’t your first language. And if that’s the case, I’m aware that there may be some cultural differences as well with how information is communicated (One memory comes to mind of my having to explain to my cousin’s Iranian girlfriend that when my cousin said my wife and I “live underwater,” he was referring to the fact that my wife and I live under sea level in a part of the United States that’s mostly swamp land, and not literally underwater in a bio-dome). With that said, I apologize if some things are missed in translation between my interpretation of your work and what I attempt to communicate here.
There’s so much about this story’s structure and plot that I don’t fully understand. Beyond the premise and a handful of characters, I can only speculate what the rest of the narrative consists of, and it would be unfair to you to base my notes on something that hasn’t been presented to me yet. The ending has such low resolution to me that it’s akin to Schrödinger’s Cat: Your ending is both brilliant and, at the same time, vague. There’re a number of practical screenwriting tools that deal with structure, but I’d like to provide one tool that may help outline your story so that we can see as much of it as needed. This is a checklist that’s based on a number of screenwriting books and something that I’ve used in this series for my story…
1. Opening Image
2. Establishing the “Ordinary World”
3. Your Theme is Stated
4. Set Up for the Main Events of the Story
5. The Protagonist’s Call to Adventure
6. The Protagonist’s Denial of that Call
7. Meeting with a Mentor
8. The Catalyst that Sets the Story in Motion
9. The Protagonist’s final Debate as to whether to Accept the Call or Deny It.
10. The Protagonist’s Acceptance of the Call
11. Crossing the Border into the “Unfamiliar World”
12. The Protagonist goes through their first “Tests,” acquiring both Allies and Enemies. The “B-Plot“ is also introduced.
13. The Protagonist Approaches the “Inner Cave”
14. A Moment of Death and Rebirth
15. The Story Flips on its Head. What the story was about before has become something else.
16. The Protagonist Receives a Bounty or Prize
17. The “Bad Guys” Close In
18. All is Lost
19. Dark Night of the Soul
20. The Protagonist Returns with “The Elixir.” The Bounty Comes into Play
21. Return to the “Ordinary World”
22. The Protagonist Executes Plan A
23. A False Victory
24. The Protagonist Falls into a Trap
25. The Antagonist’s Victory is at Hand
26. The Protagonist Goes Alone or Has a Last Ditch Effort
27. The Protagonist Makes their Greatest Sacrifice
28. The Final Battle
29. The Protagonist has a Self Revelation through either Winning the Prize or Losing the Prize
30. Closing Image.
These are 30+ plot points that generally make up the majority of any given film. They’re not always exact or literal, and are meant to serve as guidelines or implement a general feeling. If you’re able to write out a sentence or two of what happens in your story as it relates to each plot point, that would go a long way to helping me understand your story and what you’re going for. If you have any questions about what a specific concept means, let me know. And if you don’t want to use this tool, that’s fine too. I’ll try my best to give some feedback on what you’ve provided so far. Just know it may take me some time to parse through.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Hello Again,
Cam, you are very sweet, really
I also find my ending vague
Tool you provided me with is most wonderful
It must fit, let’s see
1. Opening Image
Image, digital of Separation
2. Establishing the “Ordinary World”
This is on the planet called Miropolis
3. Your Theme is Stated
We hit techno society with planes, phones, and computers
4. Set Up for the Main Events of the Story
Detective story starts, aka Puzzle, we know, hero doesn’t. Hero’s girlfriend disappears
5. The Protagonist’s Call to Adventure
Hero attempts to find missing people
6. The Protagonist’s Denial of that Call
Hero has inner barriers and won’t sacrifice everything for the success of his search
7. Meeting with a Mentor
Hero attempts to persuade Director of their Research Institute to search the labs. Instead, he brushes by Anaupsh, who after he leaves, murders Director to destroy info on her lab work from his desktop
8. The Catalyst that Sets the Story in Motion
Alarm didn’t work, and its owner gets late, and falls into the trap. This gets noticed by another scientist, who has time to Separate, and is reported by antagonist to be ‘no good’ for their aim. Now we know Anaupsh traps people for some purpose.
Here goes a chain of set ups and pay offs, till we see, what is in her lab. That she constructs medusa-like towering monster from the body parts of her victims
9. The Protagonist’s final Debate as to whether to Accept the Call or Deny It.
Hero, Thanakh, tries to pull answer from his ropes, hoping that’s some shadow mechanism of secret services.
10. The Protagonist’s Acceptance of the Call
Thanakh relates everything to his journalist brother, and OTAK broadcasts that on tv.
11. Crossing the Border into the “Unfamiliar World”
Thanakh starts searching labs at Research Institute on his own accord, sometimes meeting opposition
12. The Protagonist goes through their first “Tests,” acquiring both Allies and Enemies. The “B-Plot“ is also introduced.
He gets contacted by secret service officer who attempts to uncover this mystery as well
13. The Protagonist Approaches the “Inner Cave”
Hero deciphers that’s must be at Development lab!
14. A Moment of Death and Rebirth
Hero suffers the same doom, and is gone
15. The Story Flips on its Head. What the story was about before has become something else.
At the scandalous process over Anaupsh, head of Development Lab, Judge, who is her brother and has no illusions about her personality, proposes filtration of human population.
From here Puzzle story turns into “how zones were created on planet Miropolis”
16. The Protagonist Receives a Bounty or Prize
Wrapping up. Judges Son. Hero’s journalist brother OTAK.
17. The “Bad Guys” Close In
Zones are created
18. All is Lost
Seventy years later
Destruction of second Archipelago in atomic war
19. Dark Night of the Soul
Civil war inside of Miropolis
20. The Protagonist Returns with “The Elixir.” The Bounty Comes into Play
There are zones, and those who are to be taken back to the world out of there, for example, LENA, girl, born in reservation. There she is met by WARD, who she falls in love with. He decides to bring her out of the zone. For this he needs to trick other residents so that they won’t screw it up.
21. Return to the “Ordinary World”
WARD gets killed. Paradise is gone, just harsh reality.
22. The Protagonist Executes Plan A
Spiritually guided by WARD, Lena runs away from zone, deceiving helicopter pilot.
23. A False Victory
Lena is picked up by top rank military and he becomes her partner
24. The Protagonist Falls into a Trap
Lena and Son of Main Commander get reported
25. The Antagonist’s Victory is at Hand
There are a lot of crimes alongside the story, aka civil war sitiation, many people falsely reported or are afraid of it, and many who deserve it and ain’t afraid
26. The Protagonist Goes Alone or Has a Last Ditch Effort
All the heroes go their ways, Lena and her lover keep together
27. The Protagonist Makes their Greatest Sacrifice
As a ward, Alatou saves a couple out of zone, which is impossible without using prohibited weapon. This way Alatou sacrifices himself, and is to become zone resident to the rest of his life.
28. The Final Battle
In the soul of Son of Main Commander. As a result, he Separates.
29. The Protagonist has a Self Revelation through either Winning the Prize or Losing the Prize
Lena cannot overcome loss of partner
30. Closing Image.
Life on Miropolis and zones do continue
I hope you enjoyed that, and it made story shine
Blessings
Alice
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Hey Alice!
Thank you for showing me your story in this kind of detail! It’s a lot easier to understand now. Here are my thoughts!
What I Loved!
Again, I think the concept is fascinating. I love the detective story combined with a greater civil war narrative. It has a very mid-century, cold war, noir feel. It’s original, the tone is consistent through to the end, and has a lot of potential to be compared with the likes of BLADERUNNER.
While I have some notes on the multiple protagonist angle, I do like how we see this bigger world. As you know from my story, I went in the opposite direction, focusing on a very intimate story in the midst of a massive universe…and it does create the possibility of confusion as to how everything works. Meanwhile, the audience gets to see YOUR world and all of the politics, the wars, the greater implications, and you handle it beautifully by starting with a small detective story and building up to bigger and bigger conflicts and consequences. That’s exactly how you tell this kind of the story. And while it has a downer ending, it feels earned and poignant. It says something real about the world we live in, and gives us a warning for the future. Science Fiction at its most classic and what the genre does best.
What I have questions about…
This story looks like it’s a multiple POV (point of view) story, with no one specific protagonist we’re following throughout the entire narrative. We piggyback off of one character for a while, and then move on to another. It reminds me of films like VANTAGE POINT (though I’ll note that VANTAGE POINT’s entire theme was about different perspectives providing conflicting information, and that it’s not until we here all sides of the story that we uncover the truth). Structurally, this makes me ask the question as to whether this is for a tv show or novel, as opposed to a two hour movie. In novels and even some tv shows, we can have multiple protagonists as the story progresses (see GAME OF THRONES or THE EXPANSE, both of which are novel series that were adapted for television). In a two hour movie, a multiple protagonist structure is almost impossible. Even in the Marvel Cinematic Universe which functions more like a long running television series, you still have a main protagonist. I’ll focus on Marvel’s “Phase 1” as the example because it’s easier to observe; we had three to four films (IRON MAN, THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER) looking into the lives of these comic book characters. Then, when we had our season finale with the first AVENGERS film, we brought all of these “protagonists” together in one film. However, the main protagonist of THE AVENGERS is Tony Stark/Iron Man. It’s his journey we follow, his sacrifice, his lessons to learn, he drives the whole story. And this decision to make Tony Stark/Iron Man the main protagonist throughout the Marvel movies is why Robert Downey Jr. was given top billing; even with all of the other heroes involved, the story doesn’t continue without Tony Stark, and that remains true through the next three AVENGERS movies. So, if MIROPOLIS is supposed to be a book series, a singular novel, or a television series, then I think your current structure works fine. If it’s supposed to be a two part film series (I’m assuming this is what you’re going for with “Part 1” and “Part 2”) I would isolate one protagonist from each arc and take each of them them through the 30 plot points and/or Hal’s ProSeries modules for their respective narratives. For example, take your detective’s story in the first part through all 30 plot points, then take either Lena or Ward’s story in the second part through all 30 plot points. This will establish one protagonist for each film, and take each protagonist through a complete arc, which will make the endings for both parts (the introduction of “zones” and the downer ending of the zones persistence) more powerful. Again, this is just if you want to make MIROPOLIS a two part film. While I think this strategy would still yield a stronger narrative, it’s not required when writing for a novel.
And this brings me to discussing your story’s Theme. I can’t remember when exactly we touched on Theme in the ProSeries, but to give my quick rundown on this concept, Theme is usually another word for Argument. The only difference between Theme and Argument is how the two are presented. While an Argument is usually thought of as a verbal debate, Theme is much more nuanced. It’s still an argument, but it makes this argument through character choices and consequences, tone, narrative structure, setting, etc. The verbal debate aspect of a theme’s argument is put so far in the background that often it’s considered unnecessary. In fact, one trick that’s used occasionally is to construct dialogue that’s antithetical to the argument made through the greater narrative, as a way to make the theme’s argument stand out in ironic fashion. With all of that said, “We hit techno society with planes, phones, and computers” is a setting, not a theme. Films with this setting that construct a theme from it include TERMINATOR (Theme – the cold relentless nature of technology that we take for granted will turn that nature on us), TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (Theme – We can change our destiny as a species if we learn empathy and self control in the same way the terminator did), ALIENS (Theme – the unconditional love a mother has is the most powerful force in the universe), THE MATRIX (Theme – We can save humanity when we believe in ourselves over our perceived reality), and even THE DARK KNIGHT (Theme – Even as the forces of order, justice and chaos “burn down” our individual liberties and privacy, our willingness to stand up for each other will be what has us prevail in the end). You can watch any acclaimed film, and in it you will find a moral argument based on the actions, tone, and settings of the film. With the story you’re currently presenting, the theme appears to be based on the argument that the technology developed with the best intentions will inevitably be used to enslave us. That’s my best guess. If I’m correct, then have this argument beat like drum in every action of every scene, until it rings the loudest in the final image. If you have a different theme/argument in mind, then write it out clear as day, hang it above your computer, and orient every facet of your story around that central argument. Having the strong presence of a Theme is required because it sets the tempo. Without Theme, a story meanders and is like a song with no rhythm. With Theme, you have a story that has a chance to sing like Beethoven, Tool, or Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (not really establishing a preferred genre of music as not all films sing the same song either).
Thank you again for helping me to understand your story in detail! I hope I was able to provide something that helps you to achieve your vision with the perfection this story deserves.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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REQUEST FOR FEED BACK PLEASE
Anna’s Great Endings Day 9
ACT 1
First Draft FOR PIRATE sequel to SILENT NIGHT
SITUATION
A friend (JAMES) died and left the care of PIRATE, and a financial legacy with strings attached to his friends Sophie and Sandy
SOPHIE is a 65-year-old out-of-work actress. She makes a little money baking cakes and selling herbs. She lives with SANDY
SANDY Is a retired teacher, in his late 60’s He paints dreary landscapes, no sales. Likes boring card games, meat, and potato food, and watching Coronation Street.
COLIN retired policeman, Sophie’s future conditional boyfriend
BAND of LOST BOYS
Street kids that Sophie takes in at the farmhouse she has just inherited.
PIRATE
The deceased (James) dog. Pirate is a Newfoundland with superpowers, he is a healer dog.
ALIFE Alfie is the first dog from SILENT NIGHT. (Episode 1 of 3 part series) He is a littermate of Pirate. He also has a superpower, telepathic communication. They are having a dog holiday at the farm.
1. SETUP: Give us a paragraph or two about the first two acts so
we’ll understand the story.SCENE
MUSIC UP
ACKER BILK STRANGER ON THE SHORE
ESTABLISHING/ARIAL/ FRESHWATER BAY CLIFFS/ THE NEEDLES /SUNNY DAY
EXT.FRESHWATER BAY BEACH, ISLE OF WIGHT UK/DAY
Sophie and Sandy are sitting in deck chairs in front of the Fresh From the Sea Fish and Chips van. Sophie has tied a red balloon to her chair.
SOPHIE
We need to have a chat dear.
SANDY
There’s sand in my fish and chip dinner. Why did we have to come to the beach?
SOPHIE
It’s a lovely day, the fish and chips taste better at the beach and PIRATE needs his daily swim
SANDY
It’s January for God’s sake! I would rather have had dinner at home! All this mucking about because of the dog.
PIRATE
Pirate is busy swimming around in the water.
SOPHIE is eating her fish and chips ravenously, with gusto.
SOPHIE
It’s a balmy 10 degrees, I am going in for a splash about with Pirate, soon as I have finished my delish fish and chips just look at him, he’s having a lovely time. Pirate is magnificent, strong, and powerful I love watching him enjoy himself.
Really, Sandy, we have to talk it’s me, not you.
SANDY wraps up his fish and chips, not eating, and places them on the beach blanket. Sulking.
SANDY
Turns to Sophie, and uses an authoritative tone of voice.
You know Sophie, I am not at all keen on having this arrangement JAMES has left us in a sticky spot. I mean really Pirate is too much responsibility at our age. And let’s not forget some of the strings James attached.
SOPHIE
I am going in the water with him as soon as I have finished my yummy fish and chips. And I don’t think you are listening, again!
SANDY
I’ve lost my appetite. I’m tired. I could hardly sleep a wink. Pirate snores. When he jumped on the bed this morning, I just about had a heart attack, a giant dog face in my face first thing in the morning. Ughh. Dog breath!
SOPHIE
Practically all the people on the island know him and love him. What’s wrong with taking care of Pirate? I going to keep him no matter what you say. I’ll get a California King size bed, no problemo.
SANDY
Did you see all the drool he shakes off, it’s disgusting. He needs to wear a bib. It will be all over the walls of our little house. He practically fills the hallway, and the living room carpet, there’s nowhere to move!
SOPHIE
That’s why James left us his farm. It’s much bigger. Pirate will enjoy being in his old haunt. I can’t wait, the farm is an exciting move. I already started clearing out the cupboards and I forgot to mention that I have a moving van ordered.
SANDY
Speaking in a whiny tone of voice. Gets up and starts to fold the chairs. Sophie unties the red balloon.
Sophie, you know I’m no good with big changes. I like our life the way it is. We are a pair of old crocks, how much time and energy do we have to take on Pirate and do all the other things James asked us t do in his will.
SOPHIE
Stands, using a confrontational tone of voice
You like our life the way it is, do you? Mean playing cards on Wednesday, watching Coronation Street, and sticking to your rules about not having anyone over for dinner? No foreign food, and what about sex? I don’t know what you are really afraid of Sandy, do you?
SANDY
Sandy picks up the package of fish and chips. Sophie takes them away from him.
This conversation is impossible. I can’t eat these blasted fish and chips with sand sprinkled on them, this bloody dog nonsense has got me all wound up.
SOPHIE
It’s you who is impossible. We have been live-in lovers for what 10 years now. Time to shake things up before I go senile from boredom I am moving to the farm with Pirate.
SANDY
My dear you are 66 next month, be realistic. You aren’t going to find another man, especially not with that mutt hanging around.
SOPHIE
I’ll look for a new lover online, why not? And I am bored to death of with life the way it is, what a dreary prospect.
SANDY
Sophie, are you leaving me for a dog? A drooling, farting fur on everything dog. You have really lost it this time.
SOPHIE
Yes, I’m leaving you for a life with Pirate, moving to the farm, and continuing James’ work with homeless youth. Stay comfortable Sandy We have had a good 10 years but the zip has zapped, the fire has fizzled. am afraid of anything, it’s dying of boredom. Sorry, it’s really me, not you. Pirate, would like Sandy’s fish and chips?
SANDY
Does this mean I don’t get any of the money?
EXT. BEACH/SUNSET
SOPHIE
Ignores Sandy, throws off her beach dress and runs into the shallows with her red balloon, and plays with Pirate.
MUSIC UP
Hip Hop ‘Playing in the Waves’/Anna Harper
Sophie has dumped Colin and has moved to the farm with Pirate. She has met Colin online. They are getting along very well. Sophie is keeping him at arm’s length until she finds out if he is a good match for her work with youth, and most of all, that he is not a boring stuffed shirt.
Sophie has quickly found some of Jame’s (deceased) lost boys and has several of them living and working at the farm. It’s pretty chaotic.
Chris is the first lad she admitted. he is recovering from septicemia and has lost a leg due to infection. Pirate has superpowers, he is a healer dog, so he hangs out with Chris often.
Alfie( Pirates littermate and Dylan (a boy with problems) are at the farm for a dog holiday. Alfie’s superpower is that he is a telepathic dog.
PLOT POINT TWO
EXT.FARMHOUSE/NIGHT
Police cars roll up, lights and sirens wailing. Dogs start barking.
INT.FARMHOUSE KITCHEN/NIGHT
The boys have come down to see what is going on and witness, the police revealing to a horrified Sophie, that one of the boys has been selling drugs in town. He was caught out by an undercover policeman. Worse, he has been giving cocaine to Chris who is still very ill from septicemia. The boy is involved in a drug-running scheme known throughout the UK as COUNTY LINES. They use a technique called THE CUCKOO’S NEST.
INT.POLICE STATION INTERVIEW ROOM/NIGHT
Colin and Sophie talk in a nonthreatening/assuring way to the traumatized boy. He reveals that a drug gang member (from London) has taken up residence in his mother’s flat, (the Cuckoo’s Nest)he uses the flat as a base to lure other teens into dealing drugs.
The mother is on welfare and not doing well. She neglects her son; he was taken away by the child protection, he ran away, ended up on the streets, and was recruited by the Cuckoo.
Colin comes to the rescue devising a plan with his former colleagues to ensnare the drug pimp and use him in exchange for a ‘deal’ to catch others playing the “Cuckoo” game.
EXT.PARK/NIGHT
Alfie and Pirate are on hand when the Cuckoo tries to escape the police. The dogs take him down and scare the living daylights out of him.
CRISIS POINT
EXT.SIDE ALLEY OF UPSCALE COFFEE SHOP/DAY
Sophie is walking into town for shopping, Sophie sees what looks like a pile of garbage bags moving. It’s another boy, with a garbage bag of his clothes (dressed from head to foot in hot weather in black) collapsed in a heap.
Sophie tries to wake him. He is covered in bites from bed bugs at the shelter, half-starved, and delirious from dehydration.
Sophie calls an ambulance.
Sophie calls Colin on her cell to come and get her. She sits on an ancient church wall and weeps as the ambulance drives off.
INT. COLINS COTTAGE/DAY
Sophie is ready to give up, maybe her ideas are useless, maybe she doesn’t have the chops. She is exhausted.
Sophie uses Colin’s shoulder to cry on. She suggests they go away together.
NOTE (moving from ambivalence to a serious relationship)
CLIMAX
INT.LARGE FARMHOUSE KITCHEN/EVENING
Sophie is feeling the strain, she has an emergency meeting with the boys, it’s been a glorious few months, but she feels she has not been successful in helping the boys, not qualified enough. Sophie is feeling all in, emotionally, and physically. She opts to turn the farm over to the boys, and turn it into a co-op farm, with hired farm hands/drug counselors helping out. She begs their forgiveness and exits stage left.
The boys express regret, and secretly enjoy the prospect of agency and more freedom.
EXT. CANAL BANK/SUNNY DAY
Sophie and Colin walk along the canal bank to a barge.
The location is a stunning tree-lined canal with a Dutch barge waiting. It is decorated gypsy style.
EXT. TRAIN STATION/DAY
Dylan and Alfie head back on the train to Lyme Regis village. Alfie tells Dylan he wants to complete his search for the last of his littermates, Cocoa.
MONTAGE
EXT.FARM/DAY
Boys attempting to ride horses
Boys feeding the chickens, finding eggs
Rambunctious wheelbarrow races,
Boys cooking burning the dinner,
music practice in the barn,
Boys cleaning the toilets
Pigs run off down the road,
EXT.FARMHOUSE/NIGHT
Pirate catches the boys trying to climb out of the window at night,
and chases them back
MONTAGE CONT
EXT.TOWN STREET/NIGHT
A young person sleeping on the town street passed out, it’s raining, he is under a shop doorway with his legs protruding into the rain. He is oblivious, people walk by. Street musicians stop singing and leave the scene. People leave the supermarket with bags of groceries, ignoring the kid on the street.
FINAL SCENE/ RESOLUTION
EXT.BARGE DECK/SUNNY DAY
Sophie and Colin are chilling on the beautiful canal boat deck, chugging along the canal waterway, and drinking martinis. Sophie looks at Colin and BEAT
SOPHIE
I just have to have a quick call to the farm.
COLIN
Just stop that for a New York minute. Why are you doing this Sohpie, it has dam near made you sick with exhaustion and you were so depressed after the Incident with the half-dead boy in the alley? Why do you want this? Why can’t we just go on chilling and enjoying ourselves? Like regular old people?
SOPHIE I love the boys is one reason, the other is I’m afraid I’m going to die. I’m afraid I’ll die and I won’t have made a difference.
COLIN You mean you need a reason to get out of bed in the morning?
SOPHIE Yes, not just falling into another routine of selfish indulgence, preoccupied with the small things, instead of making the world a better place, I want to do the big things. You know, before we croak and on go on a permanent vacay!
COLIN So hanging out with me and doing cool stuff is not enough for you? So bingo’s not on your agenda then?
SOPHIE. Laughing
I’m thinking about pushing you overboard right now!
I love hanging out with you, but if you want to hang out with me, I’m going back to the boys and the farm.
I’ll croak with my boots on the ground thank you.
The holiday with the canal boat is super cool, but the cool is wearing off. I’m getting bored. I want to get back to the gritty stuff.
COLIN
Do you want another champagne cocktail, in celebration of our return?
SOPHIE
So do you want to come back with me?
COLIN
What are you doing?
SOPHIE
I can’t stand it any longer, it’s been a month. Just a quick call to see if they have burned the house down.
INT.DYLAN AND ALFIE’S COTTAGE LYME REGIS/NIGHT
Alfie and Dylan are looking at the computer.
DYLAN
I’ve found Cocoa. She’s in Birmingham. I’ll get my Dad to take us there.
ALIFE
Barking, tail wagging acting happy and giddy
CREDITS
FINAL IMAGE
EXT.BEACH NEXT TO FARM/DAY
The boys and Pirate are playing on the beach. Sophie and Colin are sitting in deck chairs, then walk to paddle in the sea with the boys.
F.O
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Hey Anna!
Here’s what I loved about your ending!
I think this is a great second act break, and since you’ve explained this is the second episode of a three part series, that makes a lot of sense. You’ve included a dark night of the soul moment where Sophie is at her lowest and questions whether she can or even is doing the right thing for these boys, which can work as a great setup for a third act (episode) finale.
I enjoyed the comparison between Sandy and Colin, and think the placement of these two dialogue exchanges works well, almost like poetry. They both start similarly with Sandy doubting the relationship and being called to do something great. But where the two deviate is the role Colin and Sandy play. Sandy is self absorbed and so insecure about change that he ridicules Sandy for her longing for adventure. Meanwhile, Colin is confident, an alpha male, and with that he reassures and supports Sandy, willing to join her on her adventure.
What I have questions about…
I’m curious to know what the actual conclusion to this series is. In addition, I’d like to know if there’s a way to establish a more resounding answer to the middle act question. What I mean to say is that when I think about trilogies, such as STAR WARS, there’s typically a question raised, and a powerful answer, regardless of the assumed continuation of the narrative. In THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, the question is whether Luke can go toe to toe with Vader. The movie answers that question with a definite “No, not yet,” and even worse, that Luke could become Vader if he’s not careful. In THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS, the question is brought up as to whether Frodo can handle the ring, or if he’ll become Smeagol. The film answers that question by establishing, “No, he can’t handle the ring alone. And that he’s already on his way to becoming the next Smeagol.” I get the sense that what PIRATE is trying to ask is whether Sophie in her old age can handle the monumental task laid out before her. The conclusion seems to answer this by saying she can’t without help, but as it’s written now it feels a little weak, like she just needed a temporary leave of absence and now is good to go. If we’re wanting to go with an up ending for this second part, then I imagine the finale will either end in tragedy or an even higher bar of success. If we’re wanting to go with a down ending, then the same logic would apply: ending in victory or an even lower point of failure. Either way, we need something more definitive for the second act conclusion, something that informs us or warns us about what this final act is going to be about.
I’m enjoying your story, and think it has a timeless feel with how the dogs both break us out of the monotony of our lives and drive us to be our best selves. The fact that they have superpowers takes advantage of the current market while the classic tone helps it feel fresh.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Thanks Cameron, Good Advice, will UP the ending more. Thought about having one of the boys die, but could not do it. I am working on the idea that everyone can do something to help this worldwide (yeah I researched it) problem of homelessness. So I will take your advice and go for a stronger ending, and some kind of question. Muchas gracias.
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Hi Anna,
I didn’t realize you were writing a trilogy! Ambitious, and good on you!
I recall several previous scenes about Dylan and Alfie. I Enjoyed the interaction with the dog in those.
Here we have Pilate, but I don’t get enough of him. You say he is a healing and magical animal. So where was he when Sophie finds the boy in the alley?
I enjoy Sophie’s “voice”. She sounds gritty and determined and yet upbeat with a good heart. My kind of gal! In particular I liked this dialogue, which expresses the thematic soul of the story:
SOPHIE Yes, not just falling into another routine of selfish indulgence,
preoccupied with the small things, instead of making the world a better
place, I want to do the big things. You know, before we croak and on go on a permanent vacay!As to an overall ending – this seems very unresolved to me. I guess I want more.
It will be interesting to see how you continue to develop this trilogy. I assume the third dog (Cocoa?) will have different ‘powers’? And will each be a stand-alone story? Or does one flow into the next?
I look forward to more!
Best,
Anita
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Thanks, Anita, Yes will amp up the ending. Good advice. Pirate is always taking care of the boys.
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KATES COMPLETED THIRD ACT
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how miraculously it has come together, the details add up, the big picture come sharply into focus. I need to go back, set some of this up and check there are no big contradictions left over from the ‘original’ plot.
***Sadly, this time I don’t seem to have the option to be notified of the replies/notes..:((
But please do give me feedback and I’ll login often.
(**The entire last 7 pages is after these paragraphs FYI)
1. SETUP:
Nia (24) travelling with a theatre troupe has found the idealized Father (Darrogh) for whom she has been searching over 10 year, who left not long after her Mother (Amahla) died when Nia was 7.
The small rural community, led by the Hispanic ‘Mayor’ Luciana Sanchez, is fighting Darrogh to keep their land from his greedy development plans. There is background between Darrogh and Luciana involving Luciana’s deep friendship with Amahla, with Darrogh blaming Luciana’s love for Amahla as the cause of her suicide.
Nia, while trying to develop a relationship with her Father (who is not at all as she had imagined) finds herself with the community in their decision to con/trick Darrogh into handing over to them the land he is buying for a giant landfill (to punish Luciana) and because he is greedy and arrogant
2. PLOT POINT 2
• Darrogh, envious/afraid of Nia’s friendship with Luciana throws her out of his house as he had done her Mother – she has a flashback to that time.
• 2nd con attempt fails
• The bulldozers arrive.
3. CRISIS
• Nia confronts Luciana to get the truth of her Mother’s death – due largely to Darrogh’s cruelty.
• Darrogh falls for the con – meaning the land is likely saved.
• Nia suggests a public ‘play’ to reveal to Darrogh how he has been tricked, hoping it will lead to his being more aware, seeing how he behaves to others and perhaps become the Father she has been searching for.
4. CLIMAX.
• The play is performed and Darrogh sees that that he was tricked, is furious but not repentant, vows to fight them
• Nia performs an adaption of the Desdemona murder scene from ‘Othello'(*) dressed in her Mother’s dress and Darrogh slinks off.
(*Shakespeare’s story of misplaced jealousy leading to murder.)
5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.
• The community/people move ahead (sure they have their land back) with plans build a sustainable community instead of a landfill
• Nia and Darrogh have one last meeting – she still hoping for him to own what he did, he is not able to.
• Nia finally lets the dream-father go – and let’s Darrogh go – she can’t fix him. Says goodbye and leaves.
• Gets back on the bus with the Troupe the same place she had arrived 3 weeks ago.
• Darrogh sits down at his desk, writes a letter asking for forgiveness.
6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
• The bus is leaving as Nia reads a letter from Luciana (V.O.)offering her a home with her anytime, and she will look out for Darrogh. And to be free.
• Darrogh ‘sitting’ on the steps of his house, Luciana runs in as Darrogh topples over, a gun falling from his hand and Luciana holds him.
• The bus gets further and further away from the town.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of the whole movie.
THE AERIAL SHOT RISES HIGHER AND HIGHER
As the brightly colored bus leaves the town on the open road and the dark mansion shrinks to a
speck.
LUCIANA (V.O. from the letter.)
Te amo siempre, Luciana. (in English ‘Love you always’ ).
***********************************************************
AND THE LAST 7 PAGES:
After the ‘play’ is performed and Darrogh has seen the true extent of his loss, Nia goes to visit the next day, one last-minute try before she leaves with the troupe. The visit takes place in the same room where he first told her he was her Dad.
INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- LIVING ROOM – MID-MORNING
Nia sits by the door where she sat before. Darrogh stands across the room where he was before. They are both very contained and careful.
NIA
Thank you for seeing me.
DARROGH
Of course. You’re my daughter.
NIA
I.. I’m sorry.
DARROGH
About?
NIA
Last night. It must have been hard to hear.
DARROGH
What was hard was you – up there, with THEM! Turned against me. My Daughter!
NIA
Dad! That’s not what I meant.
Darrogh knows what she means but won’t go there.
He turns to the cabinet.
DARROGH
A red?
Nia stands.
NIA
It’s not even noon. No.
We have to talk about it.
Darrogh deliberately opens the bottle and pours himself a drink.
DARROGH
If, as you say, it was hard and you want to make it harder then I need this. You going to object to that?
NIA
No. Of course not.
Darrogh finishes pouring then leans one elbow on the mantle making the most of his size as Nia stands across the room, small against the massive wooden double doors.
DARROGH
So? What is it you want?
Nia is nonplussed. She had expected to find him broken.
NIA
I wanted to see if you were -alright.
DARROGH
Let me see if I have this right. I have been duped out of my fortune, my daughter performs some classical death scene dressed in my dead wife’s dress and you ask if I’m alright?
He is shaking as he tries to keep control.
NIA
Yes.
Darrogh gulps back the wine, slams the glass down and then laughs, a desperate, angry sound.
DARROGH
It’s unbelievable! I was going to give you everything I had. Everything. All you had to do was be loyal, and you’d be a millionairess. Instead you had to humiliate me in public with the town riff-raff.
Nia regards him steadily.
DARROGH
I’ll get it back. Don’t worry about that. I’ll find a way – I always do. Those small town hicks don’t know who they’re messing with.
Nia nods slowly.
NIA
I think they do. Your Achilles heel? They saw it – and went right for it. They knew exactly who they were dealing with.
He starts to speak. She holds up her hand and advances toward him.
NIA
It’s not the humiliation that has you drinking before noon, it’s the truth. I know the truth about you and my Mother. Do you?
Darrogh is frozen.
NIA
(gently, inviting him)
I just need to hear you say it. To me.
DARROGH
And if I do? Then what?
NIA
I’ll stay with you. We can work this out together.
DARROGH
Nia! You’re my daughter. That’s all that matters. The past is the past.
He is almost pleading.
NIA
I’ve been carrying a dream with me all my life. I came here, found you after years of searching and hoping. And what did I find? I’ve been living inside a black lie.
DARROGH
It wasn’t my lie. You made it up. You wove your own sentimental, rose colored glass bubble around me and your mother.
NIA
Maybe I did. Please, help me break it. Just say it, Dad.
Darrogh looks as if he might – then can’t.
DARROGH
It’s already broken. There’s nothing to say. You betrayed me and I can’t forgive that.
NIA
YOU can’t forgive?
She is very poised, we see how much she has grown since she was last this room with Darrogh.
NIA
I can and I do. You’re who you are. I accept that. My dear Father, I can only say goodbye and wish you peace. There won’t be another chance, you know that. It’s not about the money – it’s about -.
Darrogh cuts her off with a sweeping gesture. He is struggling to hold emotions at bay.
DARROGH
Stop.
FLASHBACK: INT. DARROGH AND AMAHLA’S HOUSE – 20 years ago
Amahla standing very like Nia is now facing Darrogh.
AMAHLA
I love you. You only. There’s never been anyone else. Send me away from you if you must, but let me see Nia. You’ll kill me!
INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- LIVING ROOM
Darrogh is standing starring at Nia who meets his eye steadily.
DARROGH
Amahla?
NIA
It’s me, Nia.
Darrogh shakes himself back into the present.
DARROGH
Believe what you wish. I have nothing to say. Except you’re welcome to stay if you want to.
Nia looks at him with almost curiosity and then lets go, smiles gently, and with great dignity walks across the endless floor to him.
Standing close, she meets his eye.
NIA
I don’t want the dream any more. I don’t need you. I will survive this. I have the best part of your strength, I think.
She stands on tip toe and kisses his cheek.
NIA
Goodbye, Dad.
Nia turns and walks back down the room, Darrogh watches her go. She steps through the door without looking back.
Darrogh takes step toward the door, stops, turns and reaches for the wine bottle again.
EXT.FIELD – THE TROUPE ON THE BUS.
Shaunn is waiting outside as Nia comes puffing up the hill.
SHAUNN
How did it-?
He sees her face with tears, but clear.
SHAUNN
A hug?
He hugs her tight.
NIA
My bag?
SHAUNN
On the bus.
Ever the gentleman, Shaunn boards the bus then reaches out and (in the reverse of how she arrived) helps her step up into the bus.
The bus rumbles off.
INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE- OFFICE
Darrogh seated at his desk, writing. We see the middle of the letter as he writes.
DARROGH
(writing on the page not V.O.)
I have never forgiven myself. I tried but nothing covered it up. I thought you’d fix it all. I’m glad you escaped. Please forgive me – again.
INT. THE BUS
Driving down the hill and toward the town, as Nia reads the letter from Luciana.
LUCIANA (V.O.)
Dear Nia. You came into this community like a sunbeam and into my heart bringing the light that has been missing for 20 years, since your Mother died.
The Voiceover continues as
EXT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – FRONT STEPS. AERIAL
Darrogh ‘seated’ on the steps leaning against pillar.
LUCIANA (V.O.)
I am so proud of you – your strength and courage and kindness.
Go into the world and shine. Be free. I will make sure your Father is looked after.
Luciana appears running, up the steps toward Darrogh. She reaches him and takes him in her arms, as he topples sideways, and a gun falls from his hand.
The bus enters the same shot, speeding along the roadside, just below the hill with Darrogh’s mansion.
LUCIANA (V.O.)
For your mother who loved him and who I loved and for you. I promised Amahla I’d take care of you. And now I can.
Come home any time- I am always here.
THE AERIAL SHOT RISES HIGHER AND HIGHER
As the brightly colored bus leaves the town on the open road and the dark mansion shrinks to a speck.
LUCIANA (V.O.)
Te amo siempre, Luciana.
(in English ‘Love you always’)
THE END
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
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Hey Kate!
Here’s what I loved about your ending!
There are layers to this ending, and as a fan of Shakespeare, it’s a lot of fun. Similar to how Shakespeare often used plays within plays to inform the story, including OTHELLO in this script the same way Shakespeare would’ve used a play in his stories is just awesome. Very fitting.
What I have questions about…
Did Darrogh kill Nia’s mother? If so, what evidence do Nia and Luciana come across? Is it used to con Darrogh, or is it a separate plot? How is Darrogh conned? There are three con attempts before the story’s climax; do they all involve plays? It feels like there’s a lot going on in the end: the sting operation against Darrogh, the play to guilt Darrogh (just like we see in HAMLET), Nia’s confrontation of her father, Darrogh choosing to die rather than suffer embarrassment, mere moments from saying he’s not done fighting, Luciana promising to take care of Darrogh. And, I’m not sure if I get the final image. If I had to guess, it showcases Nia moving on from the past, the dream father, and setting her own path. If that’s it, there’s just so much going on and revealed at the end, it’s difficult to digest it all, especially when that final image is a bird’s eye view, rather than a close up of Nia looking ahead, with the town and people and mansion behind her, fading in the distance (See the ending to THE BATMAN as an example of this exact style of final image, and how close we are on Batman as he leaves one promise behind for another). This story just feels too intimate between the three main characters, Nia, Luciana, and Darrogh, and how all of their lives intersect and carry different meanings for each other, for it to conclude with a wide shot of nobody in particular. I’m sorry if I’m being unfair, and maybe I just need a bit more information or context to understand this final act. From what I can tell, you have two different plots and two different plays; one to trick Darrogh, and the other reveal the truth to him. I would aim to keep it that simple, and if possible have the two plots cross paths at the scene of the play for maximum impact. If it’s not doable, then the former concept of there being two plays still works really well.
I don’t know that Darrogh needs to kill himself or what message the story is trying tell us with it. I’m a big believer that when a main character dies, it means something; the story is trying to tell us something important as it relates to the theme. Again, I may just need some more context. It’s really hard to sum up all of the necessary information from 70-90 minutes of film that explain all of the payoffs present in the third act with just one to two paragraphs, as Hal’s instructed. I think it’s possible to do if you don’t have a complicated plot or world, and as you’re aware, I didn’t even bother with this limitation, as it wouldn’t be fair to anyone judging a third act without all of the necessary context with which to understand the choices a writer makes. Imagine trying to do this assignment for THE MATRIX, but telling the first and second acts of the film in two paragraphs. Would the ending make any sense?
You have amazing elements at play here. I really want to see this film. There’s so much potential and a lot to love about it from the shakespearean influences to the mythical nature of some of the characters (I’m reminded of similar beings in A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM).
Thanks again!
Cam
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Thank you for all our thoughts and useful points,
yes it is hard when you cant read/see the entire thing build to this last 6 pages!
even with the 3 paragraph summaries of the previous action.
I don’t feel it is useful to go through point by point and explain to you
(way too tedious for you and me!)
but I will check that I am clear myself and as I go back and do the writing I know needs to happen now I ave the end.. well, hopefully it will be clearer.
sSuffice to say
Two different threads come together
a) the community’s fight against D and hence the sting operation/con re the land.
<font face=”inherit”>b) Nia’s search for/finding the idealized </font>Father<font face=”inherit”> which uncovers the truth about her Mother’s death. – and who he is.</font>
(He killed Amahla by ‘abuse’ – not literally. We see the scene where he throws her out of house and won’t let her see his daughter. She also had cancer – the two combined led her to kill herself.)
<font face=”inherit”> Over the film we also see snippets of how Darrogh is haunted by his memories of her (one where she says ‘You killed me’) and yes, suppressed guilt and grief. Nia looks just like her and that triggers the whole </font>emotional<font face=”inherit”> thing for him which he struggles against.</font>
<font face=”inherit”>I think/hope that seeing Nia get on the bus and start reading the </font>letter<font face=”inherit”> with the VO continuing through the very end should work. And yes you got it – she leaves into the big world, his mansion </font>dwindles<font face=”inherit”> down to nothing. .</font>
<font face=”inherit”> Re Luciana?. that is a whole subplot and this is an ironic ending for them..</font>
<font face=”inherit”>Thank you Cam! food for thought here as we move ahead.</font>
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Critique for Kate Hawkes
Hi Kate,
(I’m a straight to the point person, so I’m not going to write a long critique. :)) You have a powerful story. Reading just your ending, the main comment I have is that I don’t think Darrogh should write the letter. It seems against his character to do that. Also, if he can’t reconcile what he’s done then it makes more sense that he would take his own life. Personally, I don’t think tying it up in that way is necessary. And with the letter from Luciana at the end, it’s messy to have the two letters, in my opinion. I agree with most of Cam’s comments on the final shots. Overall, it’s a strong movie and one that I would definitely watch!
Hi again Kate,
I re-read what I wrote above, and it wasn’t conveyed well. Please take what I wrote with a grain of salt. I apologize and want to say that I really like all 3 of your main characters, especially Nia and her arc. You have a complex and unique story that I’ve enjoyed reading. I can’t wait to see it on the big screen!
Thank you,
Lisa
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Hello, Kate!
Can I comment a little?
I didn’t realised Darrough is going to shoot himself. That’s hitting point, removing a villain at the end, especially if he’s suffering and is having remorse. That’s gonna produce an effect though.
This looks like coming of age one.
I like Start and End thing. That’s good.
What I also like is that you write it in this light tone, simple quickly running dialogs. Maybe you might add a little bit more weight to where Nia is talking about her illusion.
I like name choises either.
What bothers me is, won’t Darrough suspect something is wrong, if there were unsuccessful trials prior? I’m sure you added these couple of trials to fill the space, because middles often “flattens” and lugs. Don’t make that mistake. I advise you to simplify it, and not to overload it with more plot schemes. Keep it in style. Instead, add some more weight on emotion in dialogue.
Playing a Hamlet-like scene to imply exposure is a good finding!
Also what you write about the land and province stuff is for me unfamiliar, but I take it, you know about it.
Otherwise, without additional scheme in the middle, you need to waterproof yourself, go via script, consider if you think a weakpoint, and exchange that.
It’s an enjoyable read. Maybe you might even exchange the end for a comedy stuff, like Darrough completely exchanging, and they all play family. I know you won’t do it, and that is a tragedy prior in the story that won’t let it. Just thoughts aloud, what it evokes, desire for things go better.
You can pay me back, and say a couple of words about my ending also.
Regards
Alice
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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Hi Cameron
I have enjoyed dipping into your scenes along the way with interest and am happy to see the whole story laid out
As a non scifi person I can say that while I do not understand the world I do connect with the people. So that’s a good job! The people and their relationships are leading the story for me not the sci-fi techie stuff!
\
So now as I read it again I will just make short comments:
I am curious how you get that a that opening exposition/set up across –
who is talking to who? how do we learn that through action?
(I am sure you have that.. just curious)
Like that you lose a cool person we have come to know so soon – Jude..
I remember meeting Markus before!
Like that Isaiah becomes the ‘leader” neat lesson for the Dad – our boys grow up and can be more than people we take care of.
(and contrast that with the sweet image at the end – equals but one is still the Dad.)
Telling Isaiah out his mom – is that done with some flashbacks so we see her and feel her?
so as Sully is letting his emotions out so we are let into that love and emotional world with our emotions too…
Nice arc for Markus – to the leader who uses violence to rescue people instead of where he began (if I have that correctly)
“sometimes we have to do wrong to do right”
the end feels like it could be a setup for a sequel!! I can see Isaiah as the next Luke Skywalker – with a twist!
Please have a look at mine if you have the time.
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Hi Kate!
I’ll be delighted to review your ending! Thank you for the encouraging notes!
I found out towards the end of the advanced dialogue module that I can get away with a lot of exposition so long as the scene is about the character relationships first. For example, Jude fills us in on a lot, but her exposition is more about connecting with Isaiah and giving him something he needs (someone to connect with him about his interests) than it is about characters “getting” that information out of her. So while the words on the page tell us necessary plot information, the scene itself tells us more about where Jude and Isaiah are as people and how they develop together. Same thing with Sully telling Isaiah a story about his mother. The scene is more about Sully no longer hiding his own hurt, but rather leaning into the positive memories he has of his wife as a source of comfort for Isaiah when he needs it the most. There’s also a good bit of tension and action surrounding the scene, which also helps cover up the fact that there is some exposition being offered.
Hopefully I can get this script produced first, but a sequel would be amazing!
I’ll get right to yours and Anna’s endings!
Thanks again!
Cam
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Kate,
Thanks for your comments. Yes, both wives die in both versions of these men’s lives -and as it turns out, both are responsible for those deaths. I indicate it with Nubia at the hospital with the heart monitor going beeeep…. I see now that I need to make it clearer- thanks!
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Michael,
What I love most is the intense contrast between your opening-heartfelt, compassionate, to your ending where Waldo has – through his traumatic experiences- comes to the place of destroying all life. There is such an incredible arc that flows through this piece! As some have already stated, it is hard to see all of Waldo’s emotional and, subsequent rational through a simple outline, but I sense you know how to fill it out quite well! I absolutely love what this story says – at least to me. When one chooses a path that is heroic, one that will altruistically help the world, but is ultimately struck down by that same world over and over, it’s such a fascinating choice to see that hero slowly descend into becoming villainous. I loved that choice in BREAKING BAD and I love it here. I look forward to reading this in script version. Great job.
Dev
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Kate,
Reading this I wanna scream out: “Ivanka! Ivanka! Ivanka!” Seeing what just transpired between her, Ivanka, and her villainous father recently makes the scene with Nia and Dar all the more potent. A child can’t remake a parent over in the image they’ve imagined no matter what. I was carried along with it until it came to the FLASHBACK where Dar is with his wife. Flashbacks are tricky and can be too explainy or stop the action of the prior scene. In this case, I was so into the relationship of Nia and her father that his going into FLASHBACK stopped the momentum between them for me. I’m wondering if there can be bits and pieces of this flashback sprinkled in through-out the story with the pieces finally coming together at the end. The only other piece I question is seeing Dar write the letter. Perhaps we see him take that last drink of wine… and then, behind closed doors, hear the gun go off. For me, it would tell me in an action, what he would not say out loud. Just a thought…
Really compelling story!
Dev
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June,
I’m with you the whole way on this story until we reach the CLIMAX.
4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>I believe there is just too much story here, much of which feels like it belongs in the Second Act. What I’m most interested in is Roy and Kim and how they aid each other in getting their lives together – together. Might not the ACT THREE begin with Roy finding Kim<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>? Once there, he risks PTSD to tell her his truth. Together, they are a creative force to stop Brian, Ingrid and Oren. It feels like a lot happens because Kim’s letters finally arrive. Could this happen more actively? Can Kim and Roy take the action to deliver the letters? Since the climax is so close to the ending of the story, it confuses me that Kim escapes again. Seems she’s regressed just when she and Roy should be headlong into bringing all to the surface. Just my thoughts, and as always, love your story.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Dev
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>I’m sure in script this will all happen much faster but reading it here, it seems to me that the climax is long in coming and is too dependent on other people.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Act Three Kim goes to the hospital to ask Suzy about Roy. Marilyn recognizes Kim and presses her to pet sit. Kim learns that Marilyn’s woes are her fault. Kim can’t bear herself. She’s guilted into pet sitting. Suzy will show her the ropes. While she’s pet sitting, Roy learns where Kim is and goes to Marilyn’s to find Kim. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>They hook up.
Kim finds Roy’s medal and he risks PTSD to tell her why they gave it to him. Kim meets the lawyer, Denny. Meanwhile, Kim’s letters, aka whistleblowing, have reached the bank and Federal authorities, Brian and Ingrid’s co-conspirator, Oren, is caught and tells all about Brian and Ingrid. Kim and Roy sneak Marilyn’s dogs into the hospital to visit her. Marilyn meets Roy, finally. Kim confesses about Marilyn’s car. Marilyn isn’t buying it, but Kim leaves Roy with Marilyn and the dogs and escapes. Kim asks Suzy for (divulged later) the lawyer’s contact info. Roy, alone in Marilyn’s house with the dogs, hates being without Kim. He asks Suzy if she knows where Kim is.
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Thanks, Dev.I have lots to untangle. You’re not the first person to comment that I’ve misnamed my structural points. I appreciate your careful reading, as always. Very helpful. June
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Matthew Frendo’s Completed Third Act
WHAT I LEARNED: I learned how to create a great third act! This will make my scripts more impactful and emotional for the audience.
1. SETUP: Alicia is a loner girl who is caring for her little brother since her mother can’t be bothered to. After he is picked for the Hunt by the populace, she illegally takes his place. The players then enter “The Hunt.” Alicia stays by herself at first, hiding, but then becomes the first person to kill a monster, which she did on accident. The players start to battle monsters that the audience chooses, and become the first people in 30 years to win…because they started working as a group.
When one of them takes a deal with the Host, others die. They then have to do interviews in front of an audience. This is where the truth about Alicia comes out: that the brother we think she joined the games is actually her son, that she had after being the victim of abuse by her father. After it comes out, the crowd starts being pro-players and anti-host.
2. PLOT POINT 2 – After the interviews, the players are sent back into the games…and the Host really wans to get them now.
3. CRISIS – Should Alicia escape alone or go back and help friends?
4. CLIMAX – After she decides to help friends, the Host gets his revenge: by sending in a bioengineered version of her father into the games as the final monster. Her father gets her alone in the Hall of Mirrors, where he mocks and taunts her while trying to kill her. She then uses the “lessons” he taught her against him. It goes back and forth, with him finally getting the upper hand…until her friends blast through with a car, giving her the leverage to beat him.
5. RESOLUTION – Alicia is reunited with her son and the Host is sent into the Hunt as the final participant.
6. FINAL PAGE — The players are now together, like the family Alicia never had. They bicker like a family as the Hunt finished playing out on TV, the Host the last victim.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE – Kristen says. “You said family again! Heard that!” while Alicia just smiles to herself.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Matthew Frendo.
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Hey Matthew!
Here’s what I loved about your ending!
I love everything about your climax from how you’ve set it up. It’s brilliant. You’ve had fantastical horror movie monsters litter The Hunt for sixty minutes, and then you follow it up with something deeply personal to your protagonist. The father isn’t a mutation, or an exaggerated figure. He just is. I get that he’s essentially a manufactured copy of the original person, but I think it still works to showcase this intimate horror for Alicia, in a house of mirrors no less. And the friends coming to help her confront her past and the horrors she still lives with today is an amazing metaphor for what our friends and family help us do in our own lives.
I love the found family angle you’re playing with here. It feels like GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY meets THE HUNGER GAMES, and if you keep the major plot points original to this story, you’re working with a fun and engaging concept.
What I have questions about…
While I think the twist of the brother actually being her son is powerful and does change the context of the opening where she takes his place, I would still keep brainstorming this opening. It’s still so similar to THE HUNGER GAMES, that you’re asking a lot from the audience to buy into your original vision without comparing it to the novels or film series. By the time we get to the twist, the audience will have already made up their mind about your film 30 minutes prior. Maybe I’m mistaken though, and there’s a lot of detail I’m missing about how this opening is pulled off, on account of the Setup being limited to two paragraphs. I just don’t want to see your characters disregarded because of a couple plot points that draw comparisons to an already successful franchise.
There’s a lot here I love, but I’m also curious as to how the tone of this film works. On one hand, you have a found family angle, a happy ending, and I’m happy to see your story show how Alicia loves her son, in spite of the tragic origins. I think this angle is inspirational in showing it isn’t always how we start that determines how we live, love, and fight for each other. I genuinely love this backstory and how Alicia handles it. On the other hand, from reading your other scenes, each character is scarred (literally for some) by tragedy. I think these can work together beautifully, so long as the tone stays consistent. Either we stick with a comedic tone, as seen in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, which touches on these tragic backstories without allowing them to get in the way of the fun we’re having, or we stick with a grounded tone, letting the characters share their pain with us as we walk that mile in their shoes, side by side with them, all the way to where they overcome their past through having each other to bear the load. I think either one will work because that climax and resolution is crystal clear with what your story is trying to say.
I’m excited and can’t wait to read your script! This is the kind of theme I look for and believe in. Hope to read it soon!
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Critique for Matthew Frendo
Hi Matthew,
I read Cam’s critique and agree with what he said. I have read parts of your story over the weeks, and I feel Alicia is an engaging character. I like the setting and character interactions, but I too worry about the comparison to The Hunger Games. It instantly comes to mind, and I wouldn’t want your story to be set aside because of it. The concept of a group of misfits coming together is definitely a winner. Maybe there is a way to make it different enough at the beginning to bypass the comparison. I wish you success with completing the script!
Lisa
Please review mine if you have time.
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Hello, Matthew!
I don’t wanna say it, because that was apparent from upstart that it is derivation from Hunger Games.
I was enjoying what you write all the time. And find “political” placement in a game still a good find.
Maybe to add more psychology to the start of the script as well would be a good idea. So to say “plant” it here and there, side by side with the horror. Then audience would expect it and respond?
You changed it quite a lot as you go, that’s a gift! Not to loose original idea, bit expand it!
I wish you luck with all your writings!
Alice
If you have time, would you take a moment and review my ending? Thanks I advance. If not, maybe later. I myself not very excellent about that.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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Thanks, June!
Yes, Adam Spencer does appear a few times in the story as he gains influence but the main focus stays on Clay Caine and Lincoln Able. I’m still putting the pieces together as this writing scenes out of order for me really wreaked havoc. As much as I attempt to be organized and keep everything labeled, I suck at it.
Were you ever a script analyst? I was and I have to tell you, you rock it with your notes. I’m rather dependent on you!
Looking forward to your ten pages!
Dev
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You’re so sweet! I feel for the folks that wrote out of order! I taught writing for TV at the university level and filmmaking scratch to completion- also directed- so But honestly, I feel like my script is a mess. Keep up the great work. Also, I’m posting my end 10 pages onto my original post. good good wishes June
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June! Aha! I pegged you as a script analyst, but you were a screenwriting professor! Makes perfect sense! I don’t think your screenplay is a mess – it’s just heading toward 1st Draft. We both know that writing is rewriting is rewriting. You have a terrific story full of in-depth characters. Yes, still a lot going on in 3rd Act but I know once you have completed the script, you’ll see what needs to be scraped away. “Less is more” but not until you’ve organically felt your way through, which I feel you are doing. Your characters are so rich, they’ll tell you where to go with this. I’m really looking forward to reading your script in its entirety.
Dev
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Anna
I haven’t read SILENT NIGHT, so I’m operating at a little disadvantage not knowing the beginning of your trilogy, but from your set-up, it sounds like a passing of the torch story from James to Sandy.
You’re writing has a very fluid style. It’s easy to follow and understand. And the story arc of her fighting to save one of her boys from a drug lord creates a strong antagonist/protagonist conflict.
However, Sophie’s character arc – the children’s champion who becomes overwhelmed only to return by the end – may not be right for a trilogy.
Cameron alluded to STAR WARS, and I agree. Your concept has that kind of feel.
The moment where Sandy finds the child on the street and breaks down watching the ambulance take him away was very strong. This leads to the climax when Sandy and Colin leave the farm and the children. This may be a better place to end the script, rather than having Sandy return to resolve the story.
If this is a trilogy, the end of the second script should leave us wondering. An antagonist who can place the children, the dogs, and the farm in jeopardy would create the crisis requiring Sandy to return in the next script.
Having Sandy return to the farm because she’s bored doesn’t seem dramatic enough for the story you’re telling. Especially, if the children can care for themselves and the farm without her. It seems all she needed was a vacation to reenergize herself.
Sandy’s return should come in the final act of the final script with a triumphant journey that defeats an antagonist to save the farm and children and complete her character arc.
Cameron ‘s reference to STAR WARS, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and LORD OF THE RINGS, TWO TOWERS are good examples. These movies/scripts left us wondering how the protagonist would return to overcome their crisis. This may be a direction you might want to consider.
Dana
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Thank you, Dana. Love the Star Wars example. I am totally rewriting the ending following feedback from three people to strengthen the ending. For this I really have to go into the matrix, I am not able to generate off the cuff, so will be at it for a few days. Thanks again.
Anna
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Cameron,
Since I’m late to the party, I’ll be brief. I really like your ending – a lot. For me, there is an expectation that father and son will have much to do in the future together (sequels!!!) in order to stop the Hegemony but – until then – they have found something solid and deep for themselves. In short, heal yourself, heal the world. If this was a prescient view of our future, knowing that the ones who work to save humanity have already done the hard work on themselves, would assure me a lot more confidence in a future.
I love sci-fi and I really, really like this story!
Dev
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Day Nine – Writing Great Endings – Exchange Papers – Assignment
Mike O – Completed Third Act
What I learned doing is that the ending and the beginning are intrinsically linked. You have to know your ending, the type of ending you want as it determines the beginning of the script, the bread crumbs, the plot points, the set-ups and pay-offs, everything has to coincide with the outcome. I always believed the ending would “appear” as the story wrote itself, so to speak. I had about half of the tricks at my disposal, but had no idea the linkages and how crucial they are.
It is time to bring your screenplay’s ending to a close. After a week of learning, today is the point where you can bring it all together and finalize the structure of your 3rd Act. In the assignment below, you’ll get the chance to show the actual work you’ve done in this class and the amazing ending that you are writing.
As always, don’t worry about being perfect. You are in a process and as long as you keep doing the work, you’ll have the breakthroughs you need to turn your ending into something you’ll be very proud of.
ASSIGNMENT
——————–Show us your final act by giving us one paragraph on each of the following:
1. SETUP: Give us a paragraph or two about the first two acts so we’ll understand the story.
Act One – Protagonist, Brooklyn, on-the-verge of being “discovered” as a painter, struggles with the loss of her estranged father. Having to leave her home and her art studio, to go deal with her father’s estate, she is forced out of her comfort zone.
Act Two – Brooklyn learns who her father was and falls in love with a single father named Tarek. She also discovers her father’s right-hand man, Richard, is out to take her father’s art gallery from her.
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2. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination. Brooklyn returns ‘home’ to meet with a very wealthy client who loves her work.
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3. CRISIS — The decision point. Brooklyn gets a text from Tarek’s son that Tarek is in the hospital. She leaves Chicago and returns to her father’s hometown and to Tarek who is recovering in the hospital.
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4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear. Brooklyn confronts Richard (antagonist) with proof that he was the arsonist who burned down the art gallery.
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5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends. Richard is arrested, Brooklyn decides to stay in her father’s town, to marry Tarek and start a new life.
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6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) Tyler tearing into a present.
B) Tarek snapping off photos.
C) Brandon rips off the wrapping, pulls a Swiss Army knife.
D) Brooklyn, more careful and restrained, opens her present holds up a tee-shirt, it reads: Monopoly Queen.
E) Tarek shakes his present, holds it up to his ear. Inside, a pair of slippers. Laughing, he tries them on. Perfect fit.
BACK TO SCENE.
Tarek points to a present propped against the mantle.
TAREK “Brandon, give that one to Brooklyn.
Brandon picks it up carefully knowing what’s inside having helped his dad wrap it. He hands it to Brooklyn who thanks him with her eyes.
Tyler, scrunched up against her: wanting to see, wanting to help. They UNWRAP the gift together.
CLOSE ON FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of Brooklyn with her first Christmas tree. Choked up, Brooklyn mutters:
BROOKLYN “Thank-you, guys.
She gives Tyler and Brandon a HUG, Tarek a KISS, then places it on the fireplace mantle.
Tarek gives Brandon a “thumbs-up,” turns to Tyler with a finger pressed to his lips, shushing him. It is clear he is a man who shares decisions with his family, a father who has spoken to his sons regarding what’s about to transpire.
Brandon grabs the camera and steps back.
With her back to them, Brooklyn takes a moment to regain her composure.
Tarek reaches into his camera bag and pulls out a small, black-felt box — struggles to get down on one knee — holds it out in front of himself as Brooklyn turns around.
TAREK “Brooklyn, since you came into my life, I’ve been blessed. I love you and want to spend my life with you, if you’ll have me?
Brooklyn: her hand covering her mouth, says at a whisper:
BROOKLYN “Love finds a way.
She takes a faltering half-step, then another, unaware Brandon is capturing it on film.
CAMERA LENS – POV
Brooklyn’s joyful smile; her eyes aglow… curtain of hair engulfing Tarek, still down on one knee, as she smothers him in a hug.
CLOSE ON Tarek sliding the diamond ring on her finger.
TAREK “Brooklyn will you marry me?
BROOKLYN “Of course I will.
HOLD ON their KISS…
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7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of the whole movie. Final image is of Frosty the Snowman.
ZOOM in on the ping pong ball ornament. HOLD ON Frosty, the snowman as he WINKS at us.
END OF SHOW
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