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Day 9 Assignments
Reply to post your assignments.
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39 Replies
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June Fortunato’s Query Letter day 9 of marketing Revised
What I learned I think I did make a breakthrough by starting with that hook. Thanks.
Dear Producer of Much Loved Romance Movie,
Who doesn’t want to retire for free? Retirement is a love story about two “still-hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. The gals fall for him until his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
In jail he’s beaten to a pulp (the food there sucks anyway) and in the hospital he learns that he has to join society because his 60+ year old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to get her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe.
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, find love, find joy, and find belief again.
Experience The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them.
My film was broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and audio drama, (very fun!) including one of which was broadcast to more than 30 stations globally. My living film received international recognition with a two-page article in American Theatre Magazine, and I received more than 60 Grants/Fellowships, including from the NEA, Drama League of Directors, PEW, PCA and corporate sponsors.
Subject specific experience Kim is a singer because I worked for so many years in live theatre, and additionally, production
stage managed & designed lights for 50 + cabaret shows/singers. (Loved it. Loved them.) Simultaneously, I facilitated medical and legal conferences- of which I listened to thousands of lectures. Consequently, I’m keenly interested in health and medicine.
My 40 years of production work gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) because I worked so many gigs there. BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room.
Personal experience includes falling in love in my 40s, bilateral hip surgery – so believe me, I know osteo! As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school, and I’ve written 20 & narratives: shorts, features, TV and audio drama.
If you want to read a story with depth, wit and heart, I think that Retirement will float your kite. Would you be willing to read the first ten pages of my screenplay?
Contact information JuneFortunato@mail.com Address. Phone number. Date.
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June
I read your synopsis. It sounds great. But I am really impressed with your resume. Wow! You’re very accomplished. Good for you! And good luck with your script.
Dana
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JUNE, IS AMAZING. What a fabulous resume. And I love the premise of Retirement
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Hi June,
I am your audience, and I can’t wait to watch it! It’ll be sold soon. 👏
Lisa
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Me too!
xo
Dev
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Kick ass synopsis, June!!
Dev
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Hey, June — I loved the synopsis. I was laughing the whole way through. Your characters are so fun and so well described. Good job. No wonder your bio is so rich. Those students of yours are lucky!
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PS81 – Dana’s Query Letter
Title: First Time Caller
What I learned:
I’ve written query letters for other screenplays and a novel years ago, but this lesson helped me focus on concept using the hooks with the shortest number of words.
Query Letter
You’re listening to your favorite radio show when a caller tells the host that he’s kidnapped her family and intends to kill them one-by-one on the air unless she does his bidding. Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?
Talk radio psychologist Ellen Landry has received just such a call.
Having survived a professional tragedy, Dr. Ellen is rebuilding her life as a talk radio host when the psychotic identity of a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder dials in. His only request: erase the patient’s true identity by the end of her show.
The rules? Simple. If she refuses, they die. If she breaks the call, they die. If the show goes off the air, they die. If she fails, they die.
Ellen Landry must summon all her psychological skills to pit one identity against the other to save her family while Det. Jack Sorensen and his team race against time to find the kidnapper before the end of the show.
So? Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?
If you enjoyed my concept, I will be glad to send you my script First Time Caller.
Sincerely,
Dana Abbott
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Hi Dana, Love your smooth pitch! And it is short. Rock and roll!
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Hi Dana, I believe you have done a great job expressing the elements of your nuanced and layered story. I did a critique for you a while back. It’s very original. You deserve to do well. Anna
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Hi Dana,
Great job making your query letter super, short, and intriguing!
Lisa
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Dana!
Great query letter and synopsis. I feel like a broken record on this because I’ve said the same to Cam and June — I don’t think you need your posed questions “Do they change the channel, etc. Your pitch is so strong, the questions seem to distract. Also, as a former studio reader, I was taught that the use of questions is not well accepted. I’m willing to be wrong and it’s been years since I was a reader so just my opinion!
Great stuff!
Dev
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Hi Dana — The synopsis honors the story. It is short, intriguing, so well written! I wonder if by posing the question only once, it would make the outcome more effective. Looking forward to seeing this on the big screen!
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Dana, I replied and forgot to put your name on the response. Again, nicely done. I wrote, sell it, I want to see it.
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Hello Dana,
Would you be interested in joining my TOTE team. I am delighted to say that June, Anita, and Lisa are already onboard. We are exchanging scripts for feedback as life and time permit.
All the other members have been invited today. If not for you, no worries. Best, Anna
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Cameron Martin’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is…the story logic web is still one of the most useful tools, especially this far late in the program. The six to ten story hooks were basically retellings of the main story beats from that story logic web, and by extension the same hooks for me when I first began this script. In addition, brainstorming is another powerful tool from this program. I think I came up with thirty different openers before settling on one that I think works. I’m looking forward to exchanging feedback, and I’m also excited to have a model as efficient at selling the best parts of the story as this.
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“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”
While a space colony fights against hostile alien parasites, Sully is fighting against the crowd, desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his son.
A year later, and Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome, due to his refusal to move on from his wife’s death.
However, when the alarm signals the savage aliens’ return, Sully will be forced to connect with his son again; especially when they fail to make it to the bunker in time. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can uncover their dark secret.
But, how likely are you to trust a developmentally challenged child in a crisis, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?
In addition to winning Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome, and by extension an obsession with real life monsters.
If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Thanks and best regards!
Cameron Martin
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Hi Cameron I did a critique of your work earlier. Great pitch. Unique. Best of luck Anna
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Thanks Anna!
I liked your query letter as well! That’s awesome that you’ve helped and counseled children. It’s admirable and one of the most beautiful things we can do in life. Best of luck to you as well!
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Hi Cameron,
I enjoyed your query letter, it’s concise and contains the best hooks! Who wouldn’t buy it?!
Lisa
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Thank you so much Lisa!
I enjoyed reading yours as well! That opening hook is excellent!
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Hi Cam — Story logic web, I hear you! Totally agree. The query letter looks fine. If I wore my “hard-to-please” hat, one line that I would call your attention to is: “he gets infected by something that’s [dying] to eat you” — perhaps a more threatening but SLOW action word might render a more dramatic effect? I thought the parasites ate you slowly. “Dying to eat you” sounds fast and furious, like a tiger about to pounce on the prey. Anyway, that might be just “fastidious” “hard-to-please” me. Ignore me! Good job! It’s all because I’m dying to see this movie produced!
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Anna Harper’s Query Letter
What I learned from this assignment. Previously my query letters were really flat. Now there are more alive and interesting, and hopefully what the producers want.
Dear Producer of Holiday movies,
My research on VPN and IMbd indicates this could be what you are looking for.
SILENT NIGHT
It’s Christmas when a silent, bullied teenage boy meets Alfie a homeless dog with superpowers in a garbage skiff; together they win over schoolyard bullies and Dylan finds his voice
SYNOPSIS
Superdog Alfie uses his telepathic skills to speak to Dylan, breaking his world of silence.
He coaches Dylan to communicate with his Dad about the schoolyard bullies and his nasty teacher, (who has designs on Dylan’s Dad and wishes to send Dylan to boarding school.).
With Alfie’s help, Dylan rescues his friend Lilly from the school cellar; avoids being sent away to boarding school, wins over the bullies, and introduces his Dad to a new romantic interest.
My background is in social work. (RSW ret) I have worked with mute traumatized clients.
I spent a year living in the village used as an example for the story world.
If you like the concept I would be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely D.Anna Harper
villagefringeproductions@gmail.com
phone
address
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anna harper.
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Hi Anna,
I love your query letter and story. There can’t be enough Holiday movies produced in my opinion. Good luck!
Lisa
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Hi Anna– I like very much your introduction. Mentioning that you did some research on the producer’s needs is a good idea!
For the logline, I wonder if mentioning Dylan earlier would create the “Dylan meets Alfie” effect. Like:
It’s Christmas when a silent, bullied teenage boy, Dylan meets Alfie, a homeless dog…
As an educator, some of my best students were the quiet ones. One of my career highlights was my middle school student, the quiet girl who used to eat lunch at the far corner of the cafeteria, away from the others. Fast forward. She became an international lawyer and worked as the voice of the unprivileged in SE Asia.
Please add me to your network! I would love to read more about Alfie and give you some feedback. My email: flores_antonio@hotmail.com
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Anna, I agree with Lisa’s sentiment, there can never be enough Christmas movies. I love your angle and take, very unique! As a Christmas movie nut, I have over 100 of them in my collection. I believe yours is truly novel, I would love to watch it over a cup of hot cocoa.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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DAY 9 – PART TWO: Using Hooks to Create a Query Letter
* This query letter is based on the first draft only. With the second draft of my script, I’m planning changes with the story. I may have to change up the query letter once I complete draft two…or three…or four.
Lisa’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep it short and sweet. Lead with the punch and add the hooks. Very productive lesson.
– Opening Hook
Can separated down-and-out mom Mary save her shop from foreclosure by kidnapping Santa Claus for ransom?
– Synopsis
During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, Mary gets notice that she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop since there hasn’t been snow in 3 years. The bank gives her until December 25<sup>th </sup>to pay up.
Ex-military, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD. This gives her the idea to kidnap Santa for ransom to pay her mortgage and save her shop.
Mary is separated from her husband, Peter who is looking after their two daughters. She hopes by saving her business she can win back her family too.
While government agents are searching for them, Mary and the real Santa move through town easily because a crowd is there for the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa!
Santa reveals he could have left anytime he wanted but stayed with Mary to guide her back to her family and to the real meaning of Christmas. In the end, the town bails Mary out of her predicament with the funds from the It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Mary and Peter reunite their family.
By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>– Bio
One full-length feature optioned by a producer. Graduate of NYU Film.
– Request
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.
– Contact information (for now, just put your name)
Lisa Long, llongmolly@gmail.com
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Hi Lisa and thanks for the mention. Agreed we need more of the Christmas spirit.
A quick review of your letter.
It makes for an interesting contrast between Christmas and difficult topical social issues, which don’t go away just because it’s Christmas.
I like that you are using tropes that your audience can relate to such as A Wonderful Life.
The letter was clear and concise.
Hooks 1st para 2 hooks wonderful life, lose snowmobile shop.
2nd para 5 hooks ex-military guarded Santa, NORAD, kidnap Santa, pay for shop
3rd para 3 hooks separated, children with father, saving the buisness=saving family 4th para Question, is Santa helping her? hooks 2 government agents, 5k Santa race
5th para Santa is aiding Mary, Mary is saved through town’s help, reunited with family
3 hooks 5th para private comment, how in the heck does Santa manage that?
As the divorce rate in the western world is now about 50% I think we could all use a little Christmas magic to make us feel better, at the very least get through it in a good way.
My first Christmas during the divorce was really awful. So if you can bring some light to the situation, perfect job! Only suggestion which may be of help. Of course, when you are sending this to a for-real producer I know you will eliminate all those pesky format thingys.
Pretty sure you will do awesome with this one as contains all the stuff Americans love.
Best to you going forward, Anna
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Dev Ross – Query Letter
What I learned is how to use a hook and I’m still learning!
Dear Film Producer,
I was looking through some very cool junk in an Arkansas pawn shop, when in walked the local Grand Dragon, the leader of the town’s KKK. A lively conversation between us ensued and it stretched out over ten days! The result? My Sci-Fi-thriller.
BIO: Dev Ross has written television for Disney and Amazon Studios, films for Universal, is an optioned writer, and was recently a finalist in the Stage32’s biopic/true story screenwriting contest.
Caine and Able
Synopsis:
Clay Caine, white supremacist and a Grand Dragon of the KKK, has a doppelganger – and he’s black.
In the meta-verse, climate change degrades a universe, causing its poisonous infiltration into a neighboring one.
An early sign of its penetration shows up as a strange wind that blows through a charming little town just as KKK Grand Dragon, CLAY CAINE, is being usurped by a young upstart from a hot new White Supremacist group. What comes next for this Klan lifer is worse – a cross is burnt on his front lawn because everybody in town now knows his daughter’s been knocked up by her black boyfriend. And to add insult to injury, one morning he wakes up to find his wife is black as well… for a few seconds anyways. Did he imagine it?
Desperate to regain prior power and influence, and after a good pray on it, Clay believes his path back to power is assassination. He’ll take out an up-and-coming black leader. However, unbeknownst to him, the black leader he chooses to murder, LINCOLN ABLE, only exists in the universe being penetrated.
Meanwhile, in his universe, Lincoln awakes to a new and very unfamiliar urge – which is to assassinate a Grand Dragon.
As the two unwitting universes continue to meld, the two men literally appear and disappear out of each other lives, do battle across realties, and ultimately destroy their families, their reputations, and the meaning in life they had long fought for.
In a nightmarish climax, the two men mortally wound each other only to discover that they are, in fact, two halves of a whole. They die as one.
Their pivotal deaths are the catalyst for two new universes to be birthed. One is where most of us would like to live. The other would be the perfect hell.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dev Ross.
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Dear Dev– As I said before, more intriguing and mind-bending than this… (counting fingers) uh, The Matrix, perhaps?
Who would have imagined that climate change could have such an poisonous effect on neighboring universes, multive… wait, do you mean multiverse? You wrote “meta-verse.” (I know, I know. You were thinking on signing up for a “Whatsapp” account and adding me to your network! 😊)
The progression of the hooks flows well. It not only allows readers to easily grasp your logic-challenging plot, but it is also intriguing. Yet, I wonder if you need to give away the ending or even the climax. Food for thought.
Hope to read the rewrites of your script! We’re LinkedIn!
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Antonio,
Thanks for your comments. I am really struggling with my synopsis. Cam likes it but says I should drop the ending. Hal says we need endings. June says I need to make my synopsis simpler, that I’m trying too hard. I’m too close to it but the days are ticking away so time to take another stab! And I would love you to read my script! I want to read yours too!
BEST!
Dev
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Antonio’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment
This is the best way to check that the story matches the premise and how many hooks are there to attract the producers.
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Synopsis:
When is the best time to be brave?
Parisa Nedellec will soon find out. Her boyfriend, an underground MMA prizefighter has mysteriously disappeared, so she embarks in an impossible rescue mission through the underground fighting world.
But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she first needs to learn… FAST!
Parisa is an accomplished rhythmic gymnast, a cheerleader whose emotions and the trauma of having seen her sister falling from a building, often challenge her performance. She often relives that traumatic experience in her mind.
Her uncle “Pops”, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance,” and introduces Parisa to latin and salsa dance instructors who, unknowingly, are two of the most lethal martial arts masters in the world. They exploit Parisa’s athletic qualities and make her a Chinese wrestling and Brazilian Capoeira fighter in no time.
Parisa wears a pendant that her boyfriend gave her as a present and that is linked to a Persian legend. It may give immense fighting power to its owner, but that power needs to be unlocked.
Fred Corner, a drunkard who works as bet collector in the underground fights, teaches Parisa that: “There’s no better time to be brave than when you’re scared to the bone!” When Fred raises his bottle and downs a mouthful: “To courage, ma’am!” Parisa not only learns the secret to unlock the power of the pendant, but it also becomes her battle cry: “To courage!”
The Girl in the Fighting Cage is a female-driven, action movie that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Ball, Ninja Turtles generation, the world of MMA female fighters, martial arts moviegoers, and Parkour fans. It can be filmed in less than six locations and small sets.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
About the author:
Antonio Flores, screenwriter. In 1991, he was the first non-Chinese graduated as a professional Wushu (Chinese Martial Arts) coach from a Chinese university. A former journalist from Mexico City, Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing, China for more than 20 years.
Contact information:
Antonio Flores,
email: flores_antonio@hotmail.com
twitter: ‘@trigrama’
LinkedIn: etc.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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Synopsis:
When is the best time to be brave?
I LIKE THE IDEA OF THIS QUESTION BUT THINK YOU CAN FIND A MORE IMPACTFUL WAY TO ASK. SUGGEST GOING TO THE EDGE ON THIS LIKE: “WHEN DO YOU PUT YOUR LIFE ON THE LINE?”
Parisa Nedellec will soon find out. Her boyfriend, an underground MMA prizefighter has mysteriously disappeared, so she embarks in an impossible rescue mission through the underground fighting world.
GREAT OPENING. SUGGEST CONDENSING IT TO MAKE IT MORE ACTIVE: SUGGEST: HER BOYFRIEND, AN UNDERGROUND MMA PRIZEFIGHTER, HAS MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED, CATAPULTING HER INTO THE WORLD OF UNDERGROUND FIGHTING TO RESCUE HIM.
But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she first needs to learn… FAST! GREAT HOOK!
Parisa is an accomplished rhythmic gymnast, a cheerleader whose emotions and the trauma of having seen her sister falling from a building, often challenge her performance. She often relives that traumatic experience in her mind. SUGGEST SHORTENING TO PAST TRAUMAS WITHOUT GETTING INTO HER SISTER. REMEMBER WHAT HAL SAID IS THAT WE WANT THEM TO ASK QUESTIONS BECAUSE THEY ARE INTERESTED.
Her uncle “Pops”, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance,” and introduces Parisa to latin and salsa dance instructors who, unknowingly, are two of the most lethal martial arts masters in the world. They exploit Parisa’s athletic qualities and make her a Chinese wrestling and Brazilian Capoeira fighter in no time.
SUGGEST MAKING THE ABOVE SIMPLIER. SUGGEST CUTTING RIGHT TO ‘INTRODUCES PARISA TO MYSTERIOUS (OR A BETTER ADJECTIVE) LATIN AND SALSA DANCE INSTRUCTORS WHO EXPLOIT…
Parisa wears a pendant that her boyfriend gave her as a present and that is linked to a Persian legend. It may give immense fighting power to its owner, but that power needs to be unlocked. SUGGEST: PARISA WEARS A PENDANT HER BOYFRIEND GIFTED HER THAT IS LINKED TO A PERSIAN LEGEND ABOUT POWER THAT NEEDS TO BE UNLOCKED…
Fred Corner, a drunkard who works as bet collector in the underground fights, teaches Parisa that: “There’s no better time to be brave than when you’re scared to the bone!” When Fred raises his bottle and downs a mouthful: “To courage, ma’am!” Parisa not only learns the secret to unlock the power of the pendant, but it also becomes her battle cry: “To courage!”
SUGGEST CUTTING THE ABOVE DOWN. SUGGEST REMOVING THE DIALOGUE AND JUST TELLING THE STORY.
The Girl in the Fighting Cage is a female-driven, action movie that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Ball, Ninja Turtles generation, the world of MMA female fighters, martial arts moviegoers, and Parkour fans. It can be filmed in less than six locations and small sets.
GREAT!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
About the author:
Antonio Flores, screenwriter. In 1991, he was the first non-Chinese graduated as a professional Wushu (Chinese Martial Arts) coach from a Chinese university. A former journalist from Mexico City, Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing, China for more than 20 years.
YOUR BIO IS GREAT! YOU ARE SO UNIQUE! I THINK YOUR SYNOPSIS TELLS THE STORY WELL BUT CAN BE A SIMPLIER AND SWIFTER READ. CITING DIALOGUE IN A SYNOPIS IS USUALLY FROWN UPON…
BEST!
DEV
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Thanks, Dev. I was about to write version two, thinking about your remarks against starting out with a question, when suddenly the bell icon alerted me of your message. Awesome suggestions. Less is more!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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ASSIGNMENT (9)
KATE’S QUERY LETTER
What I learned doing this assignment is how hard it is to know what to leave in and what to leave out for short synopsis.
A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation to save the local community from him.
After her Mother died when she was 6 and her Father abandoned her to his parents a year later, Nia has dreamed of who her father is and wondered about her mother’s death.
18 years later at the end of a summer theatre tour in a small rural community fighting a vengeful developer, Nia is face to face with how reality and dreams don’t match- up, and suppressed memories begin to crowd in.
The triangular relationship of the past between Darrogh (Father/Developer) and Luciana, the fiery Latina community organizer, and Amahla – Nia’s black mother – fuel the war today as Darrogh buys up the land to build the worlds’ largest landfill in Luciana’s rural town.
Believing that love can change the man her father is, and determined to help save the valley, Nia plays a double game conceiving a big con using the actors to ‘buy’ the land, and continuing to give her Father every chance to be who he could be.
Released from the naivety of childhood, empowered by the truth and with Luciana’s blessing, Nia is free to go and live her life. Darrogh ends his, realizing he threw away the last chance he had for love – from the daughter who was the image of her mother.
– Bio
Kate is currently the Producing Artistic Director of a rural theatre company where she wears many hats and uses theatre as a mode of building community and better mental health. Her screenplays have placed in numerous contests, including Austin, San Francisco International Screenwriting Competition, WRPN Women’s International Film Festival and Portland Screenplay Awards.
– Request
If this is interesting to you I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Kate Hawkes
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Hi Kate!
Hard to know what to leave in or out? I hear you! Welcome to the club!
This synopsis does a great job in summarizing the story, but our mission is to use hooks, so let’s focus on the KNOTS of the bamboo tree in that amazing story of yours.
What about describing the calm before the storm on the first paragraph?
The calmness of_____ town veils the undercurrent. Juliana, the town Mayor swears on her grandpa’s grave that Darrogh…
The two of them react when young actress, Nia, arrives to ______ town with her theater troupe to perform. Darrogh is aghast. Luciana makes the sign of the cross. The girl could be an avenging ghost, a shadow that binds them to the ____ (dramatic adjective) past.
For Nia, the past takes shape a step at a time in front of her eyes. Darrogh reveals that he is her (dramatic adjective) father…
Luciana on the other hand…
The town people…
Now Nia must decide between…
That’s about if for the synopsis. Hope this helps!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Kate,
Your synopsis encapsulates your story very well but does not use the hooks Hal has instructed us to use. I went ahead a read Antonio’s notes so no need to repeat. In my opinion, his instincts are right on. It’s all there so now, go back and grab those hooks!
Dev
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Day 9 – Using Hooks to Create a Query Letter – Assignment
Mike’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is the difficulty in keeping your synopsis down to a few ‘hooks.’ I am so used to writing out the details, doing a ‘book report’ that I had to continually stop myself from writing exposition.
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Craft an Opening Hook. This opening hook should lure us into the concept. Remember, it will be a bold statement, question, setup/punch-line, or a quote from the lead character.
Opening Hook: Gifted painter’s muse, her imaginary father, becomes real when she is named the executor and has to settle his affairs and face his ghost before Christmas.
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Organize the other hooks into a sequence that makes sense for the story.
For a sheltered painter who clings to childhood memories of her estranged father for artistic inspiration, Brooklyn receives a Christmas card from him. Instead of an olive branch, it turns out to be his last correspondence.
Talked down off the cliff by Carolyn, her surrogate mother and agent, with her litany of upbeat aphorisms, her can-do attitude, and mother-knows-best expression, embolden Brooklyn who is named the executor of her father’s estate.
Brooklyn discovers a shoebox filled with letters and cards addressed to her. Written across each one, the words, ‘return to sender’ in her mother’s handwriting.
For the second time in as many days, Brooklyn’s world is flipped on its head. The truth enables her to shed a mother’s bitterness and embrace her father’s posthumous love. And moments after the revelation, Brooklyn finds love standing on her father’s porch in the form of a man with his two, small sons.
The windy-city lie Brooklyn has been living is not one she can return to. Opting to stay and fight: for her father’s legacy, for the love she has found, Brooklyn outsmarts her father’s sociopathic employee, enjoys success and comes to terms with her life — love found a way.
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Make sure it has all the Basics covered (from Part One).
– Opening Hook
– Synopsis
– Bio
– Request
– Contact information (for now, just put your name)===========================
Opening Hook: Gifted painter’s muse, her imaginary father, becomes real when she is named the executor and has to settle his affairs and face his ghost before Christmas.
Synopsis: For a sheltered painter who clings to childhood memories of her estranged father for artistic inspiration, Brooklyn receives a Christmas card from him. Instead of an olive branch, it turns out to be his last correspondence.
Talked down off the cliff by Carolyn, her surrogate mother and agent, with her litany of upbeat aphorisms, her can-do attitude, and mother-knows-best expression, embolden Brooklyn who is named the executor of her father’s estate.
Brooklyn discovers a shoebox filled with letters and cards addressed to her. Written across each one, the words, ‘return to sender’ in her mother’s handwriting.
For the second time in as many days, Brooklyn’s world is flipped on its head. The truth enables her to shed a mother’s bitterness and embrace her father’s posthumous love. And moments after the revelation, Brooklyn finds love standing on her father’s porch in the form of a man with his two, small sons.
The windy-city lie Brooklyn has been living is not one she can return to. Opting to stay and fight: for her father’s legacy, for the love she has found, Brooklyn outsmarts her father’s sociopathic employee, enjoys success and comes to terms with her life — love found a way.
Bio: I obtained my MFA from the University of New Mexico’s Creative Writing program working under Tony Hillerman and Rudy Anaya. I have screenplays that are semi-finalists in several contests and I worked with Cynthia Whitcomb, former professor, UCLA Film School, who has sold more than 70 feature-length screenplays, 25 of which have been filmed. In her words, “It’s time to market your work. It’s ready and so are you.”
Request: “If you like the concept and the protagonist’s journey, I’d be happy to send you the script.”
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Nicely done! I believe your script will sell given the need for contained films. This could be scaled down financially and shot on just a couple of locations. The cost would be the A-list actor 🙂 as I believe the script calls for it.
Sell it!! I want to see the movie.
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OOPS! Forgot to post this!
PS81 Marketing Module Day 9
Anita’s Query Letter
A Query to Social Advocate Film Producers:
Ripped from today’s headlines: “Unable to access an abortion a woman abandons her baby at birth”. LIFE CHOICES follows that woman’s journey into her future when she learns that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her on a gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted.
SYNOPSIS: Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley – exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge.
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at a genetics lab where database access allows her to stalk and discover both her biological parents’ identities and their health needs and histories. Here Harley plots to save her mother.
Danica’s difficulty in accessing her own reproductive health care has defined her as a fierce choice advocate. She climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s doctor informs her she needs a kidney transplant due to acute kidney disease. Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments. The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter.
Harley agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus. TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
BIO: As a mother of three daughters, who has also experienced two miscarriages, I (like millions of women) feel passionately about the topic of reproductive rights. I am an optioned screenwriter who has experience working with producers. I have written eight feature film screenplays, two of which have won Finalist and Best Screenplay recognition in three different festivals. My stories span various genres but all have strong female leads. My various film credits can be found here on IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2874540/?ref_=nv_sr_3?ref_=nv_sr_3
If this story resonates with you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
CONTACT: email // phone
Very Best Regards,
Anita Gomez
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