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Day 9 Assignments
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12 Replies
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Logline: John has to find out the name of an informant. His obstacle is Nick. The dilemma is how to obtain the information, easy way or hard way. John has a tough decision to make.
Essence: How difficult it is for John to find out what he needs to know and the extent he is willing to go to get said intel.
INT. AFGHANISTAN UNDERGROUND BUNKER – DAY
A huge, muscled MARINE punches a naked, blooded NICK, bound hand and foot, suspended two feet in the air.
The sound of wind escaping exits from Nick’s mouth.
NICK
Ohhhhh, you gutless piece of shit. My grandmother hits harder than that.
The muscled Marine gut punches Nick again.
Nick struggles against his bindings.
NICK
That the best you’ve got? I have this itch, can you hit more to the left?
The Marine pulls back to deliver another blow… when
JOHN (O.S.)
Hold it Sargeant!
JOHN, 30s, sporting a bright Hawaiian shirt and Ray Bans steps from the darkness into the lone bunker light. He places his Ray Bans in his shirt pocket.
JOHN
Whaddya say Nicky? Just give me the name. I can make this go away.
NICK
What? You guys had enough already?
JOHN
Cut the shit, Nick. Give me the name.
NICK
Right. I give you the name and Langley will hail you as a hero. No dice amigo.
JOHN
Nick, we’re on the same team. What happened to your loyalty, amigo?
NICK
Fuck loyalty and FUCK you!
John head nods to the Marine, who gut punches Nick again.
Nick spits in the Marine’s face.
NICK
You hit like a sissy.
Marine draws back his fist, but John stops him, addresses the Marine.
JOHN
He’s just trying to manipulate you into a bad place. Get inside your head. Be cool.
Marine nods, then steps back.
JOHN
Nicky. Nicky. Nicky. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. It’s your choice.
NICK
My choice huh? You claim to be a loyal ops officer. But you were always the loner. Playing out there on the fringe… You’re more rogue than I am…
JOHN
Oh Nick, that’s hitting below the belt. That hurts my feelings. Especially all I’ve done for you.
NICK
What a crock.
JOHN
Okay Nick, you want to do this the hard way. Fine. Let’s dance.
John turns to the Marine and nods. He walks over to pour a drink while the Marine wails on Nick. He watches the Marine work Nick over.
The cracking of a rib… splitting open of skin… Nick’s muffled groans…
Nick continues his rebellious nature with snide comments after each punch from the Marine.
JOHN
Stand down, Sargeant.
The Marine steps back and stands at ease.
JOHN
Well, you are a tough one. But, your confident mouth may have overloaded your hummingbird ass.
John takes a step back from Nick. Without looking away from Nick…
JOHN
Sargeant? Bring in our next guest.
Marine exits.
JOHN
Nick, you’re gonna love our next guest.
Marine shoves MOHAMMED in front of John.
Nick’s blood drains from his face when he sees Mohammed.
JOHN
Nick… Mohammed. Mohammed… Nick. But then, you do know each other.
NICK
Never seen him in my life. Honest!
JOHN
Nicky, there’s no conviction in what you said. I’m not buying it.
NICK
Come on, John, you know me. I’ve never seen this guy before.
John grabs Nick by his beard and gently shakes his head.
JOHN
Nick. Nick. Nick. You know how untrusting I am with people. Yet, you continue to lie.
NICK
I’m not lying!
JOHN
Whoa. Nice conviction… still not buying it.
Nick glares at John. Finally…
JOHN
Let’s see what our guest has to say.
Nick’s sunken eyes glare at John.
John picks Mohammed off the floor and places Mohammed’s face directly in front of Nick’s face.
JOHN
Mr. Mohammed! Is this the man feeding the Taliban logistical intel?
A petrified Mohammed nods.
Nick’s eyes widen.
JOHN
Sargeant, get this piece of shit out of here. Dispose of him… properly.
Marine nods, then drags Mohammed out.
JOHN
Just you and me Nicky. Give me the name and all this ends. I’m gonna get the name one way or another. Make it easy on yourself.
NICK
So you ain’t buying what he’s selling?
JOHN
Hurry Nicky. That Marine isn’t gonna be gone forever.
NICK
Aha. I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to trick me. I’m wise to you, ace.
The Marine enters, then nods to John.
JOHN
Times up Nick. One last time, gimme the name.
NICK
Go pound sand, amigo.
John stares at Nick for a few seconds. He smiles. Calmly…
JOHN
Okay Nicky. Have it your way.
John turns, nods to the Marine.
The Marine squares up on Nick and lets lose with a roundhouse left.
John stops at the bunker exit, he hears the cracking of a rib. He peers out into the darkness, then takes out a cigarette and lights it, as the pummeling of Nick continues.
NICK
Ohhhh, you piece of shit… I’m gonna kick your ass…
WHACK!
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Edward – good morning.
I enjoyed the detailed description of the dialogue. It hit on many of the interest techniques.
The set-up and pay-off seem slightly off compared to the essence you have written.
Perhaps the pay-off could be improved with John actually getting the name.
The situation is dramatic and the realism is strong.
Perhaps another way to improve the “roller-coaster ride” Hal talked about is have an exchange where Nick gives a name and John tells him that’s not the same name you gave five minutes ago. By expanding that set-up and pay-off sequence it feel more emotionally vested.
Overall I think you did a great job! I look forward to your next scene in the QE 3 cycle.
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Happy Sunday Robert. Thanks for hanging in this with this course and providing good feedback to us. I have to admit that I am not skilled in feedback with respect to writing. So I’m not sure I can provide the same level of effective feedback that you provide. But I will do my best. Thank you for your valuable feedback, gave me a few things to mull over. John feels strongly that Nick is the one leaking intel to the bad guys, not that he trusted Mohammed, John likes torturing people, even his buddy Nick. I could have ended the scene with John declaring that Nick is the rat, but I wanted to leave some mystery as what John would do in a following scene. Make sense? Anyways, you have good thoughts to mull over. Now, let’s see if I can review yours with any value for you…. cheers…. Ed.
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Hi Edward. I’m confused about the assignments and feedback. I gave you feedback on lesson 8 since that’s where I put my scene. I’m sorry for any confusion.
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Not to worry Denice. It is confusing as where to post our assignments. You are not alone.
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Robert Kerr: Rewrite of QE Cycle 2
Logline: John agrees to meet Nick and then questions why Nick asked him to help out.
Essence: Nick has exposed himself to harm and ropes John into danger but is ultimately betrayed
What I learned was the need for dialogue and action to create a roller coaster sensation thereby heightened the level of hope and fear for audience engagement.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT
It’s a dark moonless night in Chicago. JOHN, a mid- thirties private detective, waits in his office and strums his fingers on his desk. All of a sudden, NICK, a twenty something lean good looking guy, bursts into JOHN’s office.
JOHN
Nick what is going on? You call me up and want to meet and sounding like you’ve gotten yourself into a deep pile of shit. What is going on?
NICK:
Let me catch my breath
(pauses for a moment)
It’s not as bad as I acted like. But, I am in a jam and need your help.
JOHN:
What are you talking about? Start making some sense or I am out of here and you’re on your own.
NICK
Well, for the last year I have been shacking up with a widow who is loaded. It’s been pretty good. She pampers me and gives me a lot of freedom. But, I was looking for an opportunity to cash in without being obvious.
JOHN
You were what? You get me down here because you’re in trouble with a widow who’s been keeping you. I’m tempted to walk out of here right now and leave your conniving ass to whatever fate you are running from. Now, spill the beans.
NICK:
Okay. Well, about two weeks ago, I overhead her talking with her financial advisor about a tech IPO she wanted to participate in. He gave her a thumb drive with all the details. After he left her, I saw her put it in a desk drawer and leave the room. She does that, she is very trusting and doesn’t lock things away.
JOHN
If you get me involved in something that’s going cost me anything, I will quit you right now, loyalty or not. This is why I always work alone.
NICK
Yeah right. I waited for my opportunity to lift the thumb drive and realized I needed someone to sell it to potential buyers. That is when I thought of you. Figure you might know somebody since you’re a private dick and known both sides of the street so, to speak.
Well, I got the thumb drive but she noticed it was missing and put two and two together and I have been running from her thugs for the last two days. That is when I reached out to you.
JOHN:
(looking pissed)
So you expected to just dump this at my door and I would take care of it for you? That’s the craziest thing you’ve done in all the years I’ve known you. Well, this is the last fucking time I help you. You have burned the last bridge as far as I am concerned. Now, give me the thumb drive and get out of here. I’ll meet you in front of the art museum in two days and tell you what I have found out. Now give me the thumb drive.
NICK:
I knew you could help.
(Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out the thumb drive.)
I’m counting on you to get the best deal. I’ll even cut you in for 20 %.
JOHN:
(reaches out and takes the thumb drive)
20 % well, I have a better idea.
With that John goes behind his desk and makes a call
JOHN:
Hello, Opal? Yes, I have it. He’s here in my office. Tell your boys to come get him and your property. Remember the price we agreed on? Good.
(John hangs up the phone)
NICK
What in the hell are you doing?
JOHN
First rule of my business, always be loyal to your clients. Your problem is, they hired me before you called. You see, they combed through your life and my name came up as a known associate. Was hired yesterday. Nothing personal Nick, just business.
John then goes over and wails on Nick till he collapse on the floor bleeding from his nose and mouth.
JOHN:
Karma is a bitch Nick. Now just lay there and bleed. Opal’s people will be here shortly.
FADE OUT
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Happy Sunday Robert. I like… it is a very snappy scene. Premise is very cool. You nailed traits & subtext. If I could add any feedback it would be dialogue. I’m a believer in short, quick dialogue. keeps the pace going. “Speeches” slow dialogue down IMO. So any long dialogue (speeches) don’t work for me. Speaking for myself, most actors dislike speeches. Since John knows what Nick is up to, could he play it cooler and have more fun at Nick’s expense? If so, it might bring on more of that back and forth banter. At the end, what’s John’s motivation to wail on Nick? If Nick tried to split, then John could use violence to stop him. If I were Nick I would get the hell out of Dodge once John revealed his betrayal (very nicely played Robert). Then John has no choice to pop him. That’s all I got, don’t know if that helps. Have a blessed weekend.
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Edward. Thank you for your feedback. Very helpful. I tend to lean on speeches and will work on shorter and crisper dialogue in the next cycle. Have a great Sunday.
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Edward –
These type of stories have interest as they describe the War on Terror since 9/11. I tried to grasp the skills we are working with. I think it is in the subtext. I was able to read your scene.
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Lesson 9 QE #2 Rewrite
Logline: John, a short, average-looking guy confronts good-looking Nick about his sister’s divorce
Essence: John needs to get info to protect his sister in her upcoming divorce from a slick Nick.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Nick sits at a loud, crowded bar checking out all the good-looking women flirting with the people around them while finishing his beer. He tilts his head to the slouched over GOOD-LOOKING GUY next to him, wearing a sport coat, who half-smiles.
GOOD-LOOKING GUY: How’s it going?
NICK: Just waiting on my soon-to-be ex’s brother to show. He hates crowds. So, I thought this would be the best place to meet.
Good-looking guy looks at him quizzically.
NICK (arrogantly): If you want an edge, put someone in an uncomfortable setting… My soon to be ex-wife thinks she getting half of everything I own. She did nothing while I worked my ass off. And, I had a successful business long before we were married.
GOOD-LOOKING GUY: Kids?
NICK: Three.
Nick removes a photo of his kids from his wallet and points at the picture.
NICK: Nick, Jr. He’s eleven. That’s Johnny, he’s ten. And there’s sweet Angela. She’s six.
GOOD-LOOKING GUY: Wow, good looking kids. That must have kept her busy.
NICK (proudly): She just watched TV all day. But, they’re really great kids.
Good-Looking Guy looks at him in deep thought as Nick notices John walking up to him in the mirror behind bar and turns to him.
NICK: Here he comes… John, good to see you. Let me get you a beer. (turns to the good-looking guy) What are you drinking?
GOOD-LOOKING GUY: Scotch, on the rocks.
The barmaid comes to Nick who points to his beer, then at himself and John. He then gestures to the Good-Looking Guy’s drink and nods to the barmaid. She smiles and nods back. Good-Looking Guy nods his thanks.
JOHN: Thanks for meeting me, Nick. But, I wish we could have met in a quieter place.
NICK: Relax, you need to socialize more. You know Jill was always worried you would never find someone. There’s more to life than researching shit on the internet. (tilts head to the end of the bar) Like those babes at the end of the bar.
John glances at them, then back at Nick and sighs as he situates himself next to him. The barmaid delivers the drinks. Nick toasts John and the good-looking Guy.
NICK: Believe in yourself. I really want you to find someone, buddy.
Nick lifts his glass to Good-Looking Guy and John.
NICK (CONT.): May we all get lucky.
Good-Looking Guy raises his glass and drinks with Nick. John rolls his eyes and sighs as he sets his beer down on the bar.
JOHN: We’re here to deal with Jill’s issues.
NICK: Fine, I hope you understand that I have no interest in making this difficult for her. The most important thing is the kids…You know, I could use someone like you. How would you like a thirty-five percent increase in pay?
JOHN: Doing what?
NICK: We’d find something for you.
JOHN: We’ll talk after my sister’s taken care of.
Nick checks out the women at the end of the bar. One smiles at him and he crack a smile at her.
JOHN: Hey, let’s stay focused on what we’re here for.
NICK: I am. But there’s nothing that says we can’t enjoy the eye candy while taking care of business.
JOHN (irritated): Jill’s attorney said she’s entitled to half of everything accumulated during the marriage.
NICK: Fuck her attorney. I have no problem with the child support. But your sister is wanting way too much. She seems to forget that I already thriving business before we even met. And, I see no reason to pay alimony. She’s perfectly healthy and capable of working.
JOHN: Don’t the kids deserve a decent place to live?
NICK: I told her she can have half the equity from the house when it sells. And, the kids can stay with me any time.
JOHN: And, what about that land you purchased through that company you set up?
NICK (surprised): What are you talking about? What company? What land?
JOHN: You think she didn’t know?
NICK: What the hell are you talking about.
JOHN: We know the property. Since you didn’t list that on your asset list that you provided the court, that’s perjury. I’ve been told it’s worth over $2million.
NICK (flustered): Ah, bullshit. Whoever said that is lying. It’s not worth a dime over $800,000.
As the conversation gets louder, Good-looking guy starts listening.
JOHN: Then, why would they say $2 million?
NICK: I bought that 5 years ago for $250,000. It’s just an empty lot across from Wal-Mart, which wasn’t built when I got the lot. It might catch $900,000. No more.
JOHN (grinning): Wal-Mart, huh? I think I know which lot that is.
NICK: What, I thought you said you knew.
JOHN: I do now. And, it looks like you valued the company at 25% of its true value.
NICK: Says who? Jill? Jill doesn’t know shit about business.
JOHN: She handled all the books for seven years until it became too much with the kids.
NICK: She hardly did anything… I need to take a piss. I’ll be right back.
Nick walks towards the two women at the end of the bar and whispers to the woman that was checking him out as he passes by her. She giggles.
GOOD-LOOKING GUY: That’s really nice that you’re looking out for your sister.
John tries to ignore him.
GOOD-LOOKING GUY: Did your sister really help with the business.
JOHN: Help?! The business was going under when my sister came to work there. She helped him turn it around. They were a team. After a year and a half, they got married. She kept him focused and encouraged him whenever things were going bad because he’s manic depressant.
GOOD-LOOKING GUY: Huh!
John looks at him quizzically, then turns to see Nick heading back, while slyly passing a folded paper in her hand of the girl he flirted with. She opens it and shows it to her girlfriend who giggles as looks at John. Nick whispers in her girlfriend’s ear before walking back to John.
NICK: Okay, so where were we?
JOHN: We were talking about what your business was worth. The bottom line is that she gets half, but she might settle for a third if you sign over the property.
NICK: See that woman down there that’s smiling at you? She likes you. I have a proposition for you. You can’t take a good looking woman out in that old piece of shit Ford Fiesta. I’ll get you a low mileage Lexus 300. Just forget about that Lot and I’ll pay Jill, in cash, 25% of appraised value of the business.
JOHN: You really think I would betray my sister for a car?
NICK: She’s divorcing me.
JOHN: That’s cause you’re a pig. The divorce isn’t done and you’re already chasing women. Of course, that never stopped you in the past. You think Jill didn’t know about all your philandering? She stayed with you for the kids until I said enough was enough. And, that bullshit about you having a successful business before you met Jill. You were on the verge of bankruptcy.
Nick furrows his brow and purses his lips at Good-Looking guy, then turns back to John. Good-Looking Guy listens intently again.
NICK: So, you’re not going to help me. You’ll always be alone, driving that old jalopy.
JOHN: I can live with that.
NICK: Yeah, well live with this! I don’t care what my attorney says, I’ll make sure she gets nothing. But I’ll get a house for the kids in their name and she can live with them. But, I’ll still give Jill her share of the equity of the house. But, that’s it.
JOHN: You think so! Now that I verified that property, my sister will get everything she’s entitled to.
Nick looks at him dumbfounded.
JOHN: Yeah, thanks for verifying that. Jill wasn’t sure.
NICK: Why don’t we slip behind the building and have a friendly discussion?
JOHN: Great. I have no problem getting my ass kicked as long as my sister gets what’s rightfully hers.
NICK: Let’s go! (to the barmaid) Hold my seat. I’ll be back in about five minutes.
They leave. Good-Looking Guy sips his drink thinking deeply for a minute, then looks up to the Barmaid.
GOOD-LOOKING GUY: Hold my place. I’ll be back in a few minutes.
BARMAID: Where are you going?
GOOD-LOOKING GUY: To do my good deed for the night. And, don’t expect this guy back.
No longer slouching over, the Good-Looking Guy gets up and takes his sports coat off. He’s huge. He walks to the exit.
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Robert Kerr – Nice use of Interest techniques. A lot of twists and turns that kept me wondering where it was going. Totally unexpected ending. Sorry for the delay. I’m way behind.
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Edward Gillow – Unusual location & incorporating interest techniques. I would suggest you use less dialogue as an avenue to show those interest techniques and traits. Sorry for the delay.
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