Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 1

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s rewrite for Robert/Trent scene

INT. MANOR ENTRANCE HALLWAY – NIGHT

Trent, mid-thirties, wearing a suit and tie opens a custom made arched French front door. Twenty-four year old Robert stands on the veranda wearing a three-piece tuxedo. Robert sees himself in and Trent closes the door.

TRENT
You're late. Mary is going to be home soon.

Trent gives Robert the once-over.

TRENT
Aren't you a little overdressed for the occasion?

ROBERT
On the contrary. I'm also late for a wedding reception, so let's get to it.

Robert follows Trent out of the hallway.

INT. STUDY – MOMENTS LATER

Bookshelves and lounge chairs meticulously fill the space. Robert gazes at the wood burning fireplace that warms the room. A desk with a computer and monitor is set up in one corner. Trent quickly strides to the desk and sits down.

TRENT
Mary changes the password to the bank account periodically. I hope this is still the current one.

Trent carefully types in the password and looks at the monitor.

TRENT
Yes! I'm in.

Trent uses the computer mouse to navigate the account. Robert walks over to the fireplace and picks up the poker to stoke the fire.

ROBERT
When exactly is Mary getting home?

TRENT
I don't know. Soon.

Trent continues to type. He furrows his brow and frantically moves the mouse around the screen.

TRENT
I don't understand.

Trent stares at the computer monitor.

ROBERT
What?

Trent turns to face Robert.

TRENT
The money's gone. That doesn't make any sense.

Robert saunters over to Trent with the poker still in one hand.

ROBERT
Are you sure?

TRENT
Yes, look!

Trent points to the monitor. Robert looks and grins.

ROBERT
(calmly)
Ah yes, I see.

Trent stands up and studies Robert's face.

TRENT
What did you do?

ROBERT
Hmm… where do I start?

Robert threateningly holds the poker with both hands now.

ROBERT
Well, first of all I was certain you were going to screw me over, so I took the liberty and transferred the money to an offshore account.

Trent's mouth is agape.

ROBERT
I also informed Mary about your plans to steal her money and run away with another woman you're having an affair with.

TRENT
Wait, what?

Trent eases closer to Robert.

TRENT
I thought we were in this together!

Robert smirks.

ROBERT
We were. And then I changed my mind and decided I had to beat you to the punch.

TRENT
You son of a bitch!

Trent furiously lunges at Robert and punches him in the face. Robert loses his balance and staggers. Robert composes himself and hits Trent in the head with the poker. Trent falls to the ground in a bloody heap. Robert looks aghast and runs out of the study still holding the poker.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s feedback for Blair

Here are some things I observed in your scene. Hope this is helpful!

Overall, great job using multiple interest techniques, building the tension between the two characters, and creating a dramatic twist.

Essence – Betrayal

Situation – Trent and Robert seem to be allies in a crime, but things turn out bad for Trent.

Scene Arc: Robert is on his way to a celebration and ends up knocking Trent out (possibly killing him?!!).

Character Traits –

Robert’s dress (tux) is gregarious. He’s secretive in how he pretends not to know about the money being gone. His subtext plays out in how he spreads gossip (Trent is going to leave his wife.) He’s smooth – in the way he calmly delivers the bad news to Trent. The low self-esteem shows up when he says, “I was certain you were going to screw me over.”

Trent – He conspires with Robert to steal the money. In the end, we see his aggression to fight Robert. The way he’s arranged his room is meticulous. He stands out as needy because he thinks he and Robert are allies. Not sure how Trent’s subtext plays out in this scene.

You build some great suspense with the poker that Robert handles.
A major twist occurs when Robert turns on Trent.
Mislead / Reveal – the empty bank account.
Character changes radically – Robert
Betrayal – Robert turns on Trent.
Superior Position – The way Robert handles the poker; we know Trent is in trouble.
Intrigue – the conspiracy to steal Mary’s money.
Setup/Surprise – the money is missing.

Great work! Looking forward to your next scene!

[Blair Marino]

Thank you. Yes, Trent’s subtext was too vague. I envisioned Trent pretending he was rich to fool Mary into making her interested in him.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s 3rd Rewrite

I’ve received excellent feedback from two writers and wanted to try another pass. If this is your first time reading this, feel free to add any additional feedback. Thank you!

INT. PRIVATE JET PLANE – DAY

An occupied bathroom door.

TRENT (O.S.)
I'll be in the black for the first time in my life!

ROBERT, 21, Arizona Diamondbacks jersey, raps on the door.

TRENT (O.S.)
Occupied! I'm talking pitch black!

Robert, hesitates, conflicted; but raps again.

TRENT (O.S.)
Go away! Yes, plane lands in 28 minutes and we rendezvous…

ROBERT
(quietly)
Trent! The accordion player won't play!

TRENT (O.S.)
It's not even time! You ruin my birthday and I'll pound you!

ROBERT
It's my birthday too! Can you just…

TRENT (O.S.)
Hold your fat horse. I'm on the phone.

Robert hangs his head and exits into the posh room with lounging couches and airline seats. The passengers all look like they'd fit in better at a dive bar. The center of attention is MEEMAW GRANNY, 95 and spry.

Robert whispers something to NELLY, 40. Her eyes grow wide.

NELLY
Yeah? The 38?

Robert nods affirming and goes to a cooler, extracts cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and hands them to the guests.

ROBERT
Drink up, drink up everyone!

TRENT, 21, huge, on a crutch, leads with an ankle wrapped in an Ace bandage. His clothes are fine and he wears an ascot.

ROBERT
Here's the conspirator… I mean celebration!

Robert tosses a can to Trent who bats it with his crutch.

TRENT
Robert. Please.

Trent makes a big show of settling himself down at the end of the couch and propping his leg up on an end table.

TRENT
I was golfing when I tripped on a root and twisted my damn ankle.

ROBERT
Oh? I thought maybe you tripped running from the cops.

Robert offers Trent a beer.

TRENT
A glass of champagne, please, like we agreed.

ROBERT
(quietly)
I know! I'm on my last dime! When you suggested this jet for our party with Meemaw Granny, I thought you were going to pay for it.

TRENT
The jet was your idea…

ROBERT
Was it? Oh, well, if you say so.

TRENT
But it was a great idea! What a way to celebrate, huh?! Classy. Now, get the bubble machine ready, because we're scheduled to sing Happy Birthday in (references watch) exactly two minutes.

Robert salutes and exits behind a curtain partition that hangs a foot above the floor. Nelly leans in to Trent.

NELLY
So I hear you're finally going to get Pappy's Smith and Wesson.

TRENT
(excited)
Pappy's Smith and Wesson?

NELLY
You've been wanting it ever since you was seven.

TRENT
I didn't realize Meemaw Granny still had it.

Nelly burps and turns away. Robert returns.

ROBERT
(quietly)
The accordion player won't play till we pay him.

TRENT
Then pay him. You ruin our party, I swear I'll…

ROBERT
I told you, I'm broke! I had to sell my car to pay for this flight!

TRENT
You can't drive anyway…

ROBERT
Shh! Meemaw Granny doesn't know. Can't you pay? You've got to have some clean money somewhere?

TRENT
How dare you… I seemed to have left my wallet with my driver.

ROBERT
Huh. (beat) Let's Go D-backs!

Robert turns and knocks Trent's leg off the table.

TRENT
You oaf!

ROBERT
Oh! My bad!

Robert grabs pillows and puts one under Trent's foot.

ROBERT
Man, your foot's heavy!

And wedges another behind his back.

ROBERT
Can I get you an IV? Huggies?

TRENT
You're dismissed.

Robert, a sly smile, walks away with Trent's wallet, extracts a credit card, and steps behind the privacy curtain to confer with the ACCORDION PLAYER. COUSIN 2 approaches Trent.

COUSIN 2
Good on you for the Smith and Wesson. That's a classic. .38 Special. I'm jealous.

Trent smiles like an excited kid. Bubbles fill the room.

The Accordion plays. Robert enters with a cake. They SING Happy Birthday to Meemaw Granny, Trent, and Robert.
Trent sets himself next to Meemaw Granny.

MEEMAW GRANNY
You know Ida been happy with margaritas on my front porch.

TRENT
Robert told me you always wanted to go to Puerto Vallarta.

MEEMAW GRANNY
You believed him?

TRENT
You're going to just love the Malecon.

MEEMAW GRANNY
Long as I'm home for Wheel of Fortune.

TRENT
I hate to spoil the surprise, but I heard you found Pappy's gun?

MEEMAW GRANNY
Gun?

TRENT
The .38 Special? He used to take me to the shooting range and we…

MEEMAW GRANNY
Honey, all Pappy's junk got tossed when I moved in with your Aunt Mavis. What made you think I still had it?

Crestfallen, he heaves himself up and confers with Cousin 2, then passes quickly to Nelly. He eyes Robert angrily. As he passes Meemaw Granny…

TRENT
Sorry to break the news, MG, but Robert got a DUI… no more free rides to your hair appointments.

…and moves to the curtained partition.

TRENT
Robert! Something's wrong with the bubble machine!

ROBERT
Oh, man, what did I do?

Trent holds the curtain for Robert. As the curtain closes, Trent puts both feet firmly down – no problem. He raises his crutch like a bat and knocks Robert down.

TRENT
Let's go D-backs!

Robert falls and can be seen beneath the curtain. He grabs Trent's ankle and begins tugging on the bandage.

TRENT
Let go of me!

The crutch keeps coming down hard on Robert's back. Trent emphasizes each word as he strikes.

TRENT
This. Party. Is. Officially. Ruined!

ROBERT
Why's your foot so heavy, Trent?

The bandage unravels and a bag full of diamonds spills out.
The accordion player stops. Everyone gapes; then it's a free-for-all dive to grab the diamonds.

ROBERT
I wondered if Puerta Vallarta had a black market.

The crutch whams Robert's head. He's out cold.
A diamond rolls to Meemaw Grannie's foot. She picks it up.

MEEMAW GRANNY
(singing)
Happy Birthday to me!

[Yvonne Arnett]

‘Please Exchange Critique on Cycle 1 Scene.”
YVONNE ARNETT – SKILL MASTERY SHEET FOR QE PROCESS PART 1
INT. -LARGE YACHT IN A MARINA – NIGHT
Trent is watching from the far end of the Galley as two over-sized men, Stan and Jake,
enter and empty the bags they are carrying onto a nearby table, scattering Jewelry and
money across the top. They toss the black Ski masks they are carrying onto a nearby
counter.
JAKE
“Wow! What a beautiful boat.”
TRENT
“It’s not a boat, you yahoo. It’s a yacht.”
JAKE (good natured)
“Yeah? Robert told me this yacht belongs to a friend of yours and that you’re as broke
as the rest of us.”
Trent shakes his head.
TRENT
“Poor Robert. He can’t help it. He’s envious of anyone with money and power.”
Robert brings up the rear and is carrying the rifles. He overhears Trent.
ROBERT
“I was just kidding Trent. Can’t you take a joke?”
Trent grabs the rifles from a very nervous Robert and puts them into a large duffel bag
before placing it in a far corner of the room.
TRENT
“Of course, Robert. You didn’t pocket any of the jewelry on the way here… Did you?”
ROBERT
“You wanna pat me down?
TRENT
(Frowns)
“We’ll see. By the way Robert, Stan texted me after the robbery. Apparently you called
him by his first name during the holdup.“
Robert turns to Stan and chuckles.
ROBERT
“Hey, you know I didn’t mean it, Stan. Your name just slipped out, but there was no
harm done. I mean, nobody caught that… Right?”
Stan is leaning against the Galley counter cracking his knuckles. He gives Robert a
quiet, steady look. Robert quits laughing.
Robert settles himself into a soft arm chair and crosses his legs.
ROBERT
“Nice haul from that upscale jewelry store, Trent. We got lucky. It went real smooth.”
Trent puffs himself up.
TRENT
“No luck about it. This was a well planned operation. I know what I’m doing.”
ROBERT
“Yeah, but we took all the risks while you had it easy back here. Right guys? Maybe we
should get a bigger cut?”
Trent addresses Robert like talking to a small child.
TRENT
“If you had planned it Robert, you and Stan and Jake would either be dead or sitting in a
jail cell right now.”
ROBERT (laughs)
“Maybe, but I thought those rich dudes were gonna shit their pants when they saw our
guns!”
Robert’s attention reverts back to the table. Eyes bright with greed, he reaches over
and fondles some of the loot. He looks up and sees Trent, Stan, and Jake watching him.
He drops the jewelry he is holding and nonchalantly leans back in his chair.
TRENT
“Robert, why don’t you go and pick us up a couple of pepperoni and sausage pizzas at
Rizzo’s. Get the largest they have and make sure they use their special Marinara
sauce. It’s a simple task, you think you can handle it?”
Robert pats his pockets down.
Robert
“Sure Trent, but I’m a little short on cash and you’re the one with all the dough.”
He watches as Trent pulls several bills off the table and hands them to him. Reluctantly,
Robert leaves with one last anxious look over his shoulder at the table.
TRENT
“Stan, you count the cash. Jake, you can start sorting the jewelry. I’ll make us some
drinks.”
Stan and Jake sit down and do what they are told. Trent goes to the bar area of the
Galley and pulls a bottle of whiskey and four glasses out of the cabinet next to the sink.
Eyeing the glasses critically he lines them up in a perfect row. He adds ice and pours
generous amounts of whiskey into each glass. With his back to Robert and Jake, he
covertly removes a bottle of pills from his pocket and adds several of them to the first
three drinks. Satisfied, he smiles to himself, then joins Stan and Jake at the table. Trent
takes them into his confidence while Robert is gone.
TRENT
“Robert is a friend. I mean we go way back. But sometimes he has trouble with the
truth. For example, he said you both had it in for me and I should watch my back. I
didn’t know who to believe at first, but you did a first rate job today and while I’m in
charge, you’re part of the team. However, I think we should keep an eye on Robert
around the jewelry. Okey?”
Stan reaches over and grabs Trent by his arm.
STAN (angrily)
“What do you mean? Robert said you were the one we should watch.”
TRENT (sighs)
“That’s Robert’s MO. He always shifts the blame to others. He tends to have sticky
fingers around jewelry. That’s all.”
Stan lets go of Trent and both he and Jake look towards the door where Robert
disappeared,
mulling over the information. Trent smiles to himself. The atmosphere is charged when
Robert returns with two large pizza boxes. In order to make room for the Pizza boxes,
Robert moves the glasses aside on the counter. Trent is preoccupied with checking out
a diamond and ruby bracelet and doesn’t notice, but gives Robert a warning.
TRENT
“Be careful Robert, and don’t mess with the drinks! You know I like order.”
Robert quickly rearranges the glasses to please Trent, but in a different order. Stan
and Jake shoot daggers at Robert when he sits down at the table.
TRENT
“Robert, I have a zippered briefcase in the back room for the jewelry and cash. I want
you get it.”
Robert looks at Trent suspiciously as he leaves the room. Trent then opens the pizza
box, pulls out a large piece, grabs the fourth glass he believes is not drugged and
returns to the table. Jake and Stan follow and pick up their pizza and drinks. They both
shoot daggers at Robert when he returns with the briefcase. All four suspiciously watch
each other as they finish off the pizza and their drinks. When they are through, Trent
leans back in his chair and smiles at the group.
TRENT
“I think I planned this heist real well, don’t you guys?”
He looks to the guys for approval.
ROBERT
“Right, it was smooth. No hitches, no problems.”
TRENT
“A couple more like this and we’ll be sitting pretty. Meanwhile, I think it would be a
good idea to lock this stuff up. I have a safe in the my bedroom. We can divide it up
later once the jewelry is fenced.”
Trent leans forward in his chair and rummages frantically through the jewelry on the
table. He picks up one of the bags and shakes it, then looks up in shock.
TRENT
“A diamond and sapphire necklace was supposed to be in this haul. Its value is
estimated to be around fifty grand. Where is it? That was the whole purpose of this
heist. Who was holding the bags in the car?”
Jake and Stan turn to Robert for answers. Robert trembles.
ROBERT
“I never opened the bags. I swear.”
TRENT
“What do you think guys? Should we trust him?”
STAN
“Come on Jake. We’ll get it out of him!”
Stan and Jake get up and grab Robert. They drag him, protesting, out onto the deck .
Trent watches the beating through the side windows and smiles gleefully. Suddenly,
first Jake then Stan stumble and collapse onto the deck. Robert is bleeding, but still
standing. Confused he leans against the rail of the yacht for support before he staggers
inside and finds Trent sprawled, unconscious, on the Galley floor. A pill bottle is laying
next to him. Robert picks it up and slowly realizes what has happened. He smiles, then
proceeds to place all the jewelry and money from the table into the briefcase. He
leaves the yacht, humming a cheerful tune to himself.

[Yvonne Arnett]

Yvonne’s feedback for Blair.
Character Traits:
Trent’s setting displays wealth in the first scene.
Robert’s outfit is gregarious.
Robert shows he is secretive through his dialogue.
Trent displays his aggressive and conspiring nature through his pretense of wealth
which he uses to defraud Mary of her money.
Mislead – Robert is seen as Trent’s accomplice.
Suspense – Begins with Trent’s opening line to Robert about Mary that establishes an
undercurrent of secrecy.
Intrigue – We see an escalation when Trent gets into Mary’s bank account.
Reveal/ Surprise – Trent discovers Mary’s money is gone. Trent believed they were
partners in crime.
Betrayal – Robert gets it all and runs.