Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 1

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Cycle 1 QE Scene Post -1

INT. FORDHAM UNIVERSITY-FRATERNITY HOUSE – NIGHT
COLLEGE STUDENTS celebrating the end of a spring semester. Lot’s of alcohol, loud music and out of control bodies squeezing through the tight hallways.
TRENT ROMANO, 20’s, frat boy, stops BETH and MINDY as they pass. They are STRIPPERS who just finished performing a set upstairs.

TRENT
You girls nailed it. Very talented.

BETH
Thanks.

ROBERT BARNES, 20’s, another one of the frat boys comes over. He’s more than a little drunk.

ROBERT
They said you girls were fucking amazing…and I missed it.

TRENT
Artists. We got two Picassos here.

Beth and Mindy giggle.

TRENT
However, we have an opportunity for a little more community service. You girls in?

BETH
What are we talking about?

TRENT
I know people, who know people.

Trent shows her two hundred dollar bills.

MINDY
I gotta work in the morning.

BETH
Just stay…I got rent this week.

She turns to Trent.

BETH
I’m in….ten minutes.

TRENT
You’re the professional.

Trent grabs Robert by the shoulder.

TRENT
You’re doing me a favor.

ROBERT
What are you saying?

TRENT
How about a private show? One of the artists and you.

Robert sways a little losing his balance.

ROBERT
That would be a solid…wait this can’t get out. My girlfriend would fucking kill me.

TRENT
Between you and me… No one else.

Trent turns to Beth.

TRENT
What’s your name?

BETH
Beth.

TRENT
And Beth.

BETH (PLEADING TO MINDY)
Just wait…

MINDY
No way…

BETH
I’ll split it with you.

Mindy finally relents.

MINDY
Ten minutes…then I’m going.

TRENT
We can use the basement…quiet down there. You can scream all you want.

Trent starts to lead Robert to the basement.

TRENT
Go ahead … we’ll be right behind you. I just gotta pay the girls first. A few bills…no problem.

Robert starts to the basement. Trent waits until he is down the stairs.
He gives the 2 HUNDREDS to Beth. She grabs Mindy and heads out the door.

MINDY
What the hell was that all about?

BETH
I’ll tell you later.

Trent looks over to a group of GUYS talking in a corner. He signals ONE of them.
The OTHERS follow his lead to go downstairs.

INT. FRATERNITY HOUSE BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER
Robert is stumbling around trying to take his pants off. He almost falls as the door opens.

ROBERT
Beth…I really appreciate this.

He suddenly notices Trent has lead a GROUP of GUYS into the room.

ROBERT
It’s going to be a group thing? I don’t know if I’m down with that.

TRENT
Close the door.

One of the guys reaches for a bat in the corner. Robert starts to puts his pants back on.

ROBERT
If this is about the pictures… I can take them down.

TRENT
My family says I can’t let things go…but I’m working on it.

Trents grabs the bat from the other guy. He brutally hits Robert in the knee shattering his kneecap.
Robert WAILS like a new born.
The other guys surround Robert and hold him down as Trent continues the beating.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Diane Keranen]

Hi Ronald,

I’ll get you some feedback, for my learning process (at least, but hopefully yours too) by the end of the day tomorrow. If you can get me a few notes when you can, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Diane

[Diane Keranen]

QE Cycle 1 Feedback

Character Traits:
Trent: I like that I can see Conspiring and Aggressive. I’m not sure that Needy and Meticulous are coming though as much as they could.
Blake: I see Secretive but the others I’m not sure I see them. Some of his actions could be attributed to Low Self-Esteem, but as the audience, I want to know I’m “getting” the characters as they are written.

What I like: The characters work well together in the way they interact. I see a progression there.
What I would like to see: The traits more fully expressed or exaggerated more so I’m sure I’m seeing the characters as the writer has written them.

Interest Techniques: The ending works great as a Surprise. The sudden drawing in of the group of others is a Major Twist. There’s a sort of Mislead/Reveal but seem more like a trick/ploy.

Subtext: I’m really working on subtext, so take this with a big grain of salt: I’m not seeing the subtext for Robert at all. Trent’s subtext is a lot clearer.

Story Arc: Yup! Quite a celebratory vibe at the start and a definite ass kicking at the end.

[Diane Keranen]

I deleted my post from here because I got a bit mixed up on what writing goes where. I re-posted the Lesson 5 initial draft of the QE Process to Lesson 5 forum. I’ll post my revised version, after watching the critique videos to the Exchange Critiques on Cycle 1 Scenes when I have it ready.

My apologies for getting behind on the lessons. I think I can keep pace starting today.

[Diane Keranen]

QUALITY ELEVATION CYCLE #1

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

TRENT, 18, football quarterback and school hero, steps down off the steps of the travel coach with the team’s winning raised over his head.

The sidewalk is crowded with school-color painted faces, school-spirit clothes, and confetti flies over students and community members. Phones are up taking pics and vids.

Teammates pick Trent up to cheers of the crowd. They set him down. Trent spies his tagalong, ROBERT, 17, buzz-cut, a head shorter than Trent, and a good 50 pounds overweight.

He also notices lead cheerleader, Ronna, with her squad enter the school not far from Robert. Coach reached for the trophy to take it from Trent.

Trent grips it tighter, raises his and Coach’s arm so more pics can be taken of him.

TRENT
Hurray! Cougars!!!

Coach subtly pries the trophy from Trent and passes it to other teammates.

Trent walks through the crowd toward Robert.

The unpopular students clear out of the way. They know who they are. If they don’t move Trent shoves them aside.
A kid about 10 grabs the sleeve of Trent’s letter jacket and pulls him aside for a photo. Trent pulls away.

TRENT
Watch the jacket kid.

Trent shoos the frustrated kid away and fixes his sleeve where the kid pulled on it and brushes the confetti off of his hair and jacket.

The chatter among the high-school kids is all about getting rides to the bonfire party and how late they can stay out. Rides are arranged.

And plenty of praise for Trent for taking the team to a championship. He turns once more to accept the honors and bestows a blessing upon his supporters.

At the edge of the crowd, Trent reaches Robert.

TRENT
There she is Robert. Do it.

Robert looks in the direction Trent indicated and sees Ronna and the squad just inside the school doors.

ROBERT
I figured you would. Bein’ you’re the hero of the night and all. Look at her. She’s so pretty.

TRENT
C’mon man. Every time I set you up, you drop the ball. It’s time to be a champ.

ROBERT
But look at her. Look at me. Sure, I’m a ton of fun, but she’s… stylish and pretty. I couldn’t be those things if I tried. I’ll just go with my regular friends.

TRENT
Stay here.

Trent walks through the school doors and up to Ronna.

Trent whispers to her. She looks at Robert, smiles, and gives a weird wave.

Her smile fades as she pulls at Trent’s fingers wrapped around her arm. He leans in closer to her and points his finger first at her and then back to him. Then gives her arm a shake before letting go.

Robert worries aloud to himself.

ROBERT
Now what’s he up to?

Trent turns from Ronna to return to Robert. She sneers at him as he walks away.

TRENT
Okay. You’re all set. No one has asked her to the bonfire yet.

ROBERT
What did you say to her?

TRENT
Go, she’s waiting for you. Ask her out.

ROBERT
Everyone likes the fat kid. Until he asks you out. No way.

TRENT
Look, she almost came out and said as much. C’mon, just stand up straight. Shoulders back. Walk like you mean it. And tuck in for Christ-sake. I set these things up to build you up you dope.

Trent straightens Robert’s shirt and motions for him to tuck it in.

TRENT
Go. Impress me. You want in on the popular team, you gotta perform. I won’t hang out with a loser. Go get her.

Robert, now a bit tidied up and rattled at the same time walks through the door and approaches Ronna.

Trent endures picture takers and keeps an eye on Robert.

Robert’s talking to Ronna for longer than Trent likes. He watches the conversation. He worries aloud to himself.

TRENT
What’s taking so long?

The girl puts her hand on Robert’s arm and she nods. They all share a laugh as Ronna and her squad walk away.

Trent walks into the school.

INT. SCHOOL ENTRYWAY – DAY

ROBERT
(to Ronna)
Seven-thirty!

She turns and motions that she’s adding the date into her phone.

Trent abruptly walks toward Robert.

He approaches Robert.

TRENT
A word.
He pushes Robert toward an empty hallway then grabs Robert’s arm and pushes him into an empty classroom.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Robert closes the door. He turns to Trent and OOOF! Robert is gut-punched and doubles over.

Robert can’t catch his breath. He wheezes the tormented groans of his diaphragm shocked to paralysis. Robert can only mouth “What the fuck!”

TRENT
What did you say to her?

He shoves Robert into a desk. Robert reaches to get hold onto something to say on his feet. Trent shoves Robert’s backside with a foot and sends him grappling for balance and some sort of hand hold.

TRENT
She was supposed to shut you down. Laugh at your ass. Do not tell me she’s going with you!

Robert wheezes out a reply.

ROBERT
I told you everyone likes the fat kid.

TRENT
“Until you ask them out.” That’s what you said. That’s what you said!

Robert finally has a working diaphragm and smiles.

ROBERT
I didn’t ask her out. I implied that if, I said “if,” she saw you with your cousin this morning that maybe she was your new girlfriend. I told her she and her friends were too pretty to ride in just anything to the bonfire. I then offered them all a ride to and from the party. In my dad’s new Mercedes G 550.

TRENT
New girlfr…

He catches himself.

TRENT
Your dad has a new Mercedes G 550?

ROBERT
No, but, like you, she doesn’t know that, you jock-head.

Robert smiles.

ROBERT
I get to go with all of the cheerleaders. Me. The fat kid. I told you everyone likes the fat kid.

Robert turns to leave.

TRENT
It’s not a real date. And you lied.

ROBERT
It doesn’t matter. It still looks like a date. And I already asked my uncle to give me and some friends a ride in his limo. She’ll not care it’s not a Mercedes.

TRENT
You son-of-a-bitch.

ROBERT
I don’t know how you’re getting there. Maybe with your new girlfriend.

Trent punches Robert in the jaw. It’s lights out for Robert. On his way out of the room, Trent rages.

TRENT
She was supposed to go with me! I’m the hero of the night!

[Ronald Neustrom]

Feedback for Diane –

I didn’t think anyone else was taking the class …I really appreciate the feedback on my Cycle 1 scene… It was helpful and validated a lot of my own thoughts and highlighted some areas for growth.

Feedback Cycle 1 Scene for Diane –
I thought the overall scene was great and easy to follow. This process of checking off boxes with traits and subtext is a challenge to me, but I thought you made it work effectively. You took us through the arc and created situations that I felt showed a comfort with dialogue and character.

Character Traits
Trent – His aggressiveness was dominant throughout, but he also showed meticulous and conspiring. Needy was innately difficult to blend with aggressive however, I thought you managed to work that in well.

Robert – Low-self-esteem dominated, but you used smooth, secretive, and gregarious effectively. His reaction to the beating was a surprise and a twist that elevated things to the next level.

Subtext – I think you nailed Robert on the gossip, however Trent was a little less clear. I think he was supposed to pretend to be wealthy.

Overall – Great effort. A pleasure to read and learn from. You worked in the traits and subtext to almost everything and completed the assignment at a very high level. It showed you had command with character and situation. Thanks for the opportunity.

• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you for the excellent feedback. I think we’re the only two in the class. I got behind, but am trying to keep up with the pace of the course.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Diane…my moto is no stress. We’ll do what we can and grow as writers. I’ve taken these classes for about 3 years and every single time I was the only one in the class or the others didn’t respond. This portion of the replies and discussions… I have never been a part of. It’s new for me to critique other’s work. So thanks for the opportunity. We’ll be patient with each other. However, I am committed to follow through until the end of the course. Good luck to both of us.

[Diane Keranen]

It looks like a third writer started the class. I think it’s okay if we just take our time with it. I’m planning on working all the way through the course. I’ve got a few screenplays I’d like to rewrite and get into a contest or two just to see what happens. This class seems like it will be very helpful in my rewrites.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron on posting

I got a little mixed up on where to post lessons, revised lessons, and feedback. I'm going with feedback here and Cycle Lessons on their number…ie. Cycle 2 Lesson write is Lesson 8. We'll see if I have it right…posting is a work in progress. Going through the last lesson (Cycle 1) they had 3 rewrites. Not sure if they are to be posted on the lesson numbers or in 3 different areas? Eventually we'll get it.

• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Diane Keranen]

I’m finding the where-to-post bit confusing as well. I’m posting only the version that wants feedback to the QE Cycle post.

[Diane Keranen]

On the QE Cycle 2 assignment, it looks to me that we didn’t need to post our draft version and instead, took a break from it, then analyzed it ourselves before posting it for feedback. The only version I posted was my second draft after I (hopefully) improved it at least 25%. Because that version is the one that we ask for feedback, I posted that to the Exchange Feedback forum.

Seems quite confusing.