Exchange Feedback on Mastery Cycle 2

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Nick, an undercover detective, is hired to find out who is the secret bodyguard for Loyal Thunder who is about to run for the Triple Crown. Pretending to be a photographer, he discovers the wealthy Ella is the saboteur and her husband is a con man. Nick tricks John into revealing the bodyguard and proceeds to uncover John and Ella as they plot against each other.

ESSENCE: Nick uncovers a plot to sabotage the Belmont Stakes, Triple Crown race.

SCENE:

EXT. BELMONT STAKES PADDOCK AREA – DAY

NICK, 38, rugged good looks, is shown an envelope, fat with cash, by a woman, ELLA, 28, who secretively points to another man. Ella whispers to Nick.

ELLA
Get me the information on the guard and this is yours.

NICK
I want to see it.

She pulls the envelope to the top edge of her bag and lifts the flap. He sees the cash and also catches a glimpse of a syringe filled with white fluid. He nods.

NICK
For twenty-grand, no problem.

Nick is decked out as a photographer. He carries high quality cameras and fake credentials on a lanyard.

ELLA
Nice job on the credentials. They look real. That’s good. He’ll notice anything if it’s off even a little bit.

NICK
I’ve got very good connections.

He turns to leave, but she stops him.

ELLA
Nothing slips by him. He’s good. You have to be better. You wouldn’t believe what he did to get me to marry him. I need that horse to lose this race. I need to know who is guarding it.

Nick nods. He walks toward the paddock and approaches the man Ella pointed out. The man is JOHN, 35, Ella’s husband.

John glances around for his wife. Can’t find her. Nick approaches. John gives him a quick glance to size him up.

NICK
This the Triple Crown contender?

JOHN
Who wants to know?

NICK
I do. I don’t know about horses. I just take pictures.

John looks his way just long enough to glance at the credential Nick holds up for him to see.

JOHN
Who do you work for? That cheap magazine that keeps trashing my horse?

NICK
Oh, no, a, private party. An, uh…

He pretends to look read from the screen of his phone.

NICK
An Ella Grant, hired me.

JOHN
Ella? My wife?

John takes in Nick’s good looks and physical perfection.

JOHN
What’d she hire you to do? I don’t like strangers getting into her business. She’s not got the savvy that provides her the right protection. Watch yourself. I won’t tolerate any missteps around her. You catch my drift?

Nick notes the odd question but it’s just what he wanted. He smiles.

NICK
Personal photographs of the race and the horse. For posterity.

JOHN
Look. I’m busy here. I don’t have time for idle banter. Take whatever pictures you want, but stay away from the stable.

NICK
Oh, yeah, of course. I respect your boundaries. This is a truly high stakes race. Am I right? Triple Crown. Not every day does that happen. I don’t blame you keeping a close eye on the horse. That’s a treasure standing there.

JOHN
You got that right.

NICK
If I were you, I’d be watching real close that no one messed with my horse.

John looks at him with suspicion and appreciation.

NICK
What I mean is, that’s just me. People aren’t easy to trust these days.

JOHN
Well. No worries there. I’ve got more than one set of eyes on Loyal Thunder. Even my trainer is wired with a camera. Keeps everyone on the up and up.

NICK
Cameras. That’s brilliant. Sort of.

JOHN
What do you mean?

NICK
Well, cameras are good, but you don’t see the footage until after something happens. Does your trainer let you know when something is, well, suspicious?

John smiles.

JOHN
No worries there. He doesn’t know he’s wired.

John taps his sunglasses. Nick looks closer.

JOHN
Not prescription glasses. Streaming video straight to here. Technology is an amazing thing. If I see anything out of the ordinary on this lens, I check the video on my phone.

NICK
Brilliant! I’m impressed. So, you don’t have to rely on anyone but yourself to keep your horse safe. And who better to trust than yourself. Am I right?

JOHN
You got it pal.

Having discovered the secret bodyguard, Nick has earned his money. He turns to leave just as Ella approaches. John puts his arm around her but she’s stiff and uneasy with it.

JOHN
Nervous?

ELLA
A little. Yes.

She looks at Nick questioningly. He nods. She smiles.

ELLA
And who is this? A friend? I don’t get a chance to meet many of John’s friends. I’m Ella. John’s wife.

John gives Ella a surprised glance.

JOHN
He’s your photographer. The one you hired.

Nick smiles an odd, but easy smile.

ELLA
Oh. I’m sorry. We only talked on the phone. Good to meet you in person Mr…

NICK
Just Nick. Likewise, ma’am.

Nick and Ella keep their distance from each other and give John any reason to suspect them.

JOHN
He’s been concerned over security of Loyal Thunder.

NICK
Oh, I don’t know about that. Just curious, really. Looks like your husband has it all under his control though. So, no need to wonder about anybody causing trouble on that front.

John scans the stable and Nick nods a quick tip of the head to indicate that John is the secret bodyguard. He mouths to her, “cameras” and “watching” as he points to where glasses would be on his face.

She’s surprised. When he turns back, John eyes Ella with suspicion. Nick saves her from John’s gaze and starts to play at Ella hiring him to photograph this special, potentially once-in-a-lifetime event, and requests his payment up front.

Ella hands him the envelope and Nick takes a few photos, clearly not an expert photographer.

NICK
It looks my work here is done.

He congratulates John on his presumptive win, then takes the envelope and his leave.

John grabs Nick’s arm.

JOHN
What in the hell is going on here? What’s in the envelope.

NICK
Evidence.

Nick waves over a police officer.

NICK
Take her bag as evidence and, here, this too. Payment.

John again puts an arm around her. Far too tight. She squirms against it. He wraps his other arm around her, grabs her wrists and puts them behind her for the officer to put her in cuffs.

JOHN
You’re not getting anywhere near Loyal Thunder, my dear. I had a gut-feeling to watch my horse closely.

ELLA
You mean MY horse.

JOHN
Keep telling yourself that. If it’s a divorce you want, I’ll give you one helluva fight to see you don’t a dime…

Ella cuts him off.

ELLA
Every penny of that is mine. You’re nothing but a grifter. It’s you who won’t see a dime.

John and Ella grit through their teeth…

JOHN & ELLA
(in unison)
I’m calling my lawyer.

Nick, now wearing gloves, takes the syringe from Ella’s bag.

NICK
Be sure to test this. It was meant to take a good horse down.
(to Ella)
Not on my watch.
(to John and Ella)
Good luck in divorce court.

[Diane Keranen]

My post above does not belong here in QE Cycle 2. Ignore it. It’s just the revised writing from the previous QE Cycle 1. The edit button is missing otherwise I would have deleted it. 🙁

[Diane Keranen]

QE #2

Diane’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I need to practice how I focus on the essence of the scene so I don’t make it to “easy” for the characters to escape visible conflict. Internal tension in the scene isn’t enough, the internal tension needs to break loose into external conflict that the audience needs to see before they can experience the whole essence of the of the scenes and the whole movie.

SCENE 1: Follows opening scene — Claire mediates between her son, Matt (on phone), and husband (in person), Stewart, who are estranged but are now both combat-affected veterans. In this scene, she arrives at Stewart’s cabin to let him know two things, 1) Matt is coming to see him (he’s on his way home from a combat deployment), and 2) that “the time is right” (his words from a long ago promise) for her to move back with him. This scene is the inciting incident that puts all of the main characters into action.

Current Scene Logline: Claire initiates events to bring her family together.

Essence: Claire is working to unite her family at this opportune moment.

Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
A. Goal — Finally return to the cabin to live together with her husband
• Claire brings this up in the worst way: surprise
• She corners Stewart so he has little choice: triggers his volatility
B. Needs — Claire needs Stewart to agree to her plan to end the father/son estrangement.
• She invades Stewart’s safe space (his isolation)
• She tells him she gave her house (family inherited) to Matt and his wife and son.
• By making herself homeless, the pressure increases on Stewart.
C. Values — Build the family bonds that combat-trauma ripped apart.
• She tells Stewart that Matt needs his help to survive.
• She overrides Stewart’s reasons for why things should stay as they are.
D. Wound — There has been violence in the family.
• Claire, not fully understanding the complexity of combat-trauma, tells Stewart his isolation is hurtful to both her and his son.
• Stewart fears he could hurt her again (physically); she brushes this aside.
• Tells Stewart he must help Matt so Matt can have a relationship with his own son.
E. Physical — Living and dying (by suicide) are options for Matt.
• She makes demands of Stewart that are impossible for him (he’s not a therapist).

Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: Currently, Stewart too easily surrenders to Claire’s wishes. I would write the scene differently by putting the goals of Claire and Stewart in more direct conflict to show a more dramatic reaction from Stewart, create external conflict between these two that makes their existing distance seem preferred to a possible total breakdown that could come out of the upcoming events between Claire, Stewart, Matt, and Matt’s wife, Sara.

SCENE 2: Matt, when he goes home to his wife and son, discovers that his wife is planning a surprise Welcome Home party and has invited all of their friends and family. Sara is of the belief that soldiers should put the war experiences behind them when they get back and doesn’t think combat-trauma (ptsd) is a real thing.

Current Scene Logline: Matt discovers his wife, against his expressed wishes, has planned a surprise party to welcome him home.

Essence: Sara believes that the bigger the show of support for Matt’s return will make the return easier even if he can’t see it now.

Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
A. Goal — Sara expects her party to be a great way to let Matt see how much his friends and family love him.
• Matt lashes out at Sara for having the party.
• Jake, their son, runs in from outside to his dad excited about the party.
B. Needs — Matt needs time to decompress from the military and get advice from his dad
• Matt leaves the house and drives off leaving Sara and Jake confused.
• Sara describes the decorations and plans and all the people she’s invited for him, that his is FOR him and he should come around to her perspective.
C. Values — Rebuilding a disfunctioning family.
• Sara tells him to do things with Jake (Jake likes to play war video games).
• Sara tells Matt to forget about the war and “be” here with us.
D. Wound — Matt has left the family in the past and re-enlisted.
• Matt promises he won’t re-enlist (does not yet realize that suicide could be possible for him)
• Jake keeps pestering Matt to play war games with him on the game console.
E. Physical — Matt needs a place where he can decompress.
• Matt gets away from Sara when she doesn’t listen to him (he’s trapped in her demands) there is no place near her where he can decompress.
• Matt snaps and breaks the gaming console.

Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: I could write this scene so that Sara and Matt’s different perspectives (their subtexts) are stated out loud and incorporate physical outbursts from both of them that show the family as on the edge of breaking down completely.