Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 4

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Maxine meets a strange woman with a devious practice of accruing wealth.

ESSENCE: Maxine finds support for her plan to make her husband pay for his infidelity.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: I changed Maxine’s paranoid trait to violent.

SCENE:

RENEE, 32, holds the door of a luxurious bathroom of a fancy restaurant from closing as she listens to MAXINE, 25, as she exits a stall as she talks on her phone.

MAXINE
This is the worst timing ever. He lied to me. Again.

(pause)
There’ll be hell to pay. I can tell you that. He thought his last divorce was a nightmare, just wait until he finds out I saw him with her again. I’ll tell you this, it could have been anyone other than that redhead.
(pause)
Once my name is on the house…
(pause)
Don’t worry about that. I have some ideas on how to get him to sign the whole of it over to me.

Maxine notices Renee.

MAXINE
I’ll talk to you later.

She disconnects the call and looks at Renee with suspicion.

RENEE
Oh dear. I must apologize. I didn’t mean to overhear.

MAXINE
(smiles)
That must have sounded strange. It’s just…

Renee steps the mirror and reapplies her lipstick.

RENEE
(cuts her off)
Your secret is safe with me. I’m on my third husband. I got a house and a boat from the last one.

Checks her lipstick in the mirror.

RENEE
I love that dress. Where did you find it? I’ve been looking for a neckline like that for ages. It looks fabulous on you.

MAXINE
I almost didn’t wear it. But, it compliments this hideous necklace from my husband. He hasn’t even noticed. As usual. Probably thinking about that mistress of his.

Stepping back to check her appearance, Renee picks bits of something from her dress, straightens it, and appears satisfied.

RENEE
There. That will do.

MAXINE
Here, let me.

She stands behind Renee and pretends to pick bits of something from her hair. She finds a long strand of red hair stuck to the back of Renee’s dress.

RENEE
I saw you at the table with Trent Bauer. He’s your husband then?

MAXINE
Yes. He is.

Maxine examines the length of the red hair.

MAXINE
A boat and a house, you say?

RENEE
It’s easier than you might think. Remind him of his vows. Challenge his manliness.

MAXINE
But don’t say the till death do we part bit out loud.

RENEE
Exactly. Keep that to yourself. It’s part of the ex-wives club code. Husbands don’t talk about the details with husbands. Maybe you can join the club after your divorce. If you get that house, that is.

Maxine checks her appearance and exits the restroom with Renee right behind her. They return to their respective tables.

Trent stands to assist Maxine with her chair. When Maxine can’t see, he smiles at Renee.

Renee nods at Trent and turns away before Maxine sees her.

TRENT
Would you like more wine, or shall I call for the car?

MAXINE
Call the car.

TRENT
I’ll get our coats.

At the door, Trent steps to the coatroom. Standing at the front desk, out of Maxine’s sight is Renee.

Cautiously, they greet each other as if they’ve never met.

RENEE
Hello.

TRENT
Hello.

Trent hands his ticket to the coatroom attendant.

RENEE
She did see us. She’s going try to get you to sign over the house. But, if you sign it over to me before you file for divorce. She can’t take it from you.

She leans into Trent seductively. He leans down and kisses her.

When they part, Maxine is standing right there. Looking at them.

SLAP!

Maxine strikes Renee across the face and grabs a handful of hair.

TRENT
Maxine!

MAXINE
You think I can’t tell a dye job when I see it.

She holds up the hair she pulled from Renee’s dress.

MAXINE
(to Trent)
She’s got you hooked into a long con Trent. I told you so. Three husbands and assets taken from all of them.

RENEE
Trent?

Maxine takes the car keys from the stunned attendant and storms out of the restaurant as she takes out her phone.

MAXINE
You two can have each other. I’m calling my lawyer.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom : Lesson 17 Scene

Logline – Maxine is a crisis intervention specialist. Her younger sister has just unexpectantly become one of her first clients and fled her rehab facility before she even started the program.

Essence – Maxine is torn and embarrassed about the details of her sister’s case. Maxine and her sister were both severely wounded from events of the past. However, Maxine overcame the trauma in a constructive way and her sister turned to anger and revenge. This scene is the beginning of an arc that uncovers the depths of her sister’s anger.

Trait changed on Maxine – From Paranoid to Compassionate

EXT. ANA’S OUTREACH – MORNING

MAXINE CRUZ, late 20’s, dressed in a office suit, finds parking and heads for the FRONT DOOR. She pulls out her KEYS to find the door already UNLOCKED.
SURPRISED she looks inside. RENEE WARD, early 30’s, Office Manager, is sitting at her desk punching a keyboard.

RENEE
Oh there you are…I was looking at the grants. These new clients need to finish their programs…or at least participate better.

MAXINE
You’re right. We need to figure out a better way.

RENEE
I have a few suggestions.

MAXINE
We’ll sit down…not now…when it’s the right time.

Maxine sees her office LIGHT ON and goes inside.

RENEE (YELLING)
The guy was out front earlier. Got you one of those coffees.

MAXINE
How did you know…I needed some caffeine.

RENEE
Always looking out for my team.

Vivian peels off her jacket. Takes a sip of her coffee. Finds a FILE on her desk. Goes back out to Renee holding the file.

MAXINE
Where did this come from?

RENEE
Frances brought it late last night. I don’t know why she didn’t just wait until today.

MAXINE
Must be something important. Frances can smell it out.
Did you read it?

Renee avoids eye contact. She presses more KEYS on her computer.

RENEE
Did you want me to…look it over… I usually don’t unless you say something.

Maxine looks at the file. Then to Renee.

RENEE
It might have opened as I was putting it on your desk. What was I supposed to do…?

Vivian lifts the file. Feels THICK in her hand.

MAXINE
She has a pretty wide jacket.

RENEE
A few family secrets inside there.

MAXINE
We were close. I wish I would have tried harder. We shared a room for 12 years.

RENEE
You should open it.

MAXINE
Some of these details are confidential.

RENEE
I know that…now.

MAXINE
It can’t get out of this room.

RENEE
Especially page 3.

MAXINE
Whatever is in this file needs to stay in the office.

RENEE
Your eyes only. Mine a little. But look at it.

Vivian opens the file.

RENEE
Do you think it was her…I’m surprised they let her out.

MAXINE
I never understood her. Jewel struggled with the whole transition.

RENEE
How did she slide out of that one?

Maxine shrugs.

MAXINE
We lost touch.

RENEE
Look at page three.

MAXINE
You didn’t tell anyone else… Did you?

RENEE
No. Open it!

Maxine starts thumbing through the file.

RENEE
A computer science degree in a year and a half. Who does that…from prison!

MAXINE
She’s smart. It must have been hard for her.

RENEE
Why do you think she ended up here? Look at page 22.

Maxine finds the page.

RENEE
They had a call center. She was supervisor at seventeen. They were bringing in six figures…under the table!

MAXINE
Rehabilitation. She looks lost on paper.

FRANCES WILLIAMS, 50ish, another case worker and mentor to Maxine, comes in the front door.

FRANCES
Somebody got suspended for that one.

MAXINE
Renee told me you dropped this off last night.

FRANCES
Another set of eyes. I need your input.

MAXINE
We all have to be together on this one.

FRANCES
Gather all the resources.

MAXINE
I don’t know what happened to her.

FRANCES
Renee texted me some of the details.

Maxine turns to Renee. Long stare. She plays it off.

RENEE
I can’t be perfect all the time.

MAXINE
That was a big decision to make on your own.

RENEE
I thought she should know.

FRANCES
Your sister never made it to roll call this morning.

MAXINE
She probably thought her connections would be enough. We have to track her down.

Maxine waves Frances toward her. They walk together.

RENEE
We’re a team here…remember.

MAXINE (TO FRANCES)
Let’s go inside my office… See what they did for her in Chino. Maybe it’s something we can build on.

Maxine leads her into the office. Closes the door.

Renee pushes a BUTTON on her office phone. She can HEAR their conversation.

FRANCES (V.O.)
She’s done this before.

MAXINE (V.O.)
Worse. Every time we try to put the pieces back together.

INT. MAXINE'S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

As Maxine eases into her desk…

She sees a SMALL RED LIGHT blinking on her console. Frances is finishing her sentence. Maxine taps a small button.

EXT. MAXINE'S OFFICE– CONTINUOUS

On Renee –

Their voices DISAPPEAR. Renee pushes the button again. The voices REAPPEAR.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Diane Keranen]

AAAHHH! What a great ending! I can see all of the interest techniques for this cycle. It’s surprising to me how much of what is going on in a scene can be conveyed in dialogue. Renee is wonderfully devious. That trait comes through very clearly and Maxine being emotionally wounded also comes through quite clearly. These traits, supported by the others, creates a powerful dynamic in the office. Great job!

[Ronald Neustrom]

Diane – Thanks for posting your scene. I was going over the interest techniques and I think you used all of them. Kudos… You’re a good finisher on your scenes…whenever I start reading I want to see more. I think that’s a good thing. Your situation was built with conflict, set-ups and pay-offs. Keep going you have a lot talent!

[Diane Keranen]

Thank you, Ron. This class is more intensive than I expected. It’s great though.