Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 5

[Deb Johnson]

Logline: Brandy and Phillip’s fake charity scam is under investigation, but Phillip refuses to take the fall.

Essence: the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Scene:

INT. BOUTIQUE CLOTHING STORE – DAY

A luxurious boutique with elegant displays.

BRANDY, 45, plump with extra make-up and extra big hair flips through a rack of evening gowns.

GERTIE, 35, slight but sturdy eyes Brandy. She slowly makes her way over, casually perusing items along the way.

Brandy and Gertie reach for the same Givenchy blue gown.

They both laugh and Gertie lets go.

GERTIE
I know you! You’re that lady on tv! You’re the “Yes We CAN!” Lady.

Brandy frames her face and flashes a charming smile.

BRANDY
Yes, the Children's Aid Network. I’m heading up an incredible charity gala this weekend.

GERTIE
I cry every time I see that commercial.

An awkward pause.

BRANDY
Well, I simply must try this on before someone else snatches…

GERTIE
Yeah, you go…

Brandy enters the dressing room. Gertie stands outside.

GERTIE
Hey, can I ask you something?

BRANDY (O.S.)
Sure. But will you be a darling and help with the zipper?

Brandy opens the door. Gertie steps in.

INT. DRESSING ROOM

Gertie zips and they both admire the dress.

GERTIE
So you are Brandy Styles?

Brandy looks worried.

BRANDY
Yes. And you are?

GERTIE
You can call me Officer Swartz.

Gertie flashes her police badge. Brandy freezes.

BRANDY
Goodness gracious, you don't think I'm going to steal this dress, do you?

GERTIE
Listen, Brandy. My boss said we should just bring you in, but I want to give you a chance here. We have proof that your charity is a scam…

BRANDY
A scam? How dare you? That’s preposterous.

GERTIE
We’ll get to all that. But my nose is itching. I got a hunch that your partner, Phillip, Phillip Reinhold, is behind all this… and if you cooperate with us, things will go easy for you.

BRANDY
Honestly, sneaking up on a person in a dress shop. I’ve never heard of such a thing.

GERTIE
Brandy. You need to trust me on this. I got a tip from a lady who told me her and Philip ran an insurance scam together and then left her high and dry. I want to go easy on you. All you have to do is cooperate.

BRANDY
Listen, Officer…

GERTIE
Swartz.

BRANDY
Officer Swartz. Phillip is a man of integrity and vision. He helped me start CAN two years ago when my son… my dear sweet boy, was dying. He’s been by my side ever since.

GERTIE
You don’t say…

BRANDY
He's selfless and tireless in his work to help children. He’s a wealthy man. He’s got his own money. You’ve got the wrong guy. You’ve got the wrong charity. You’ve got the wrong dressing room.

GERTIE
So that’s how you want to play it.

BRANDY
This is no game. We save children’s lives every day.

GERTIE
I just told you I have evidence… manipulated documents, forged communications and financial transactions that prove your money is not going where you say it’s going.

BRANDY
This is absurd. Let me just call Phillip. He’ll straiten all this out.

GERTIE
You can call him from the precinct. You’re coming with me.

BRANDY
You’re placing me under arrest? What about the children? I’m begging you, please don’t do this.

GERTIE
You have the right to remain silent…

CUT TO:

EXT. SKYSCRAPER ROOFTOP/HELIPAD – NIGHT

Brandy watches a helicopter land. She wears an ankle monitor.

PHILLIP, 55, tall and imposing, exits the helicopter. He runs to Brandy and they embrace. Brandy clings to him.

BRANDY
Phillip, thank God! What on earth is happening?

PHILLIP
My darling girl. I haven’t slept since your arrest. I’m so very sorry we have to meet like this.

BRANDY
I don’t understand – why are all the accounts in my name?

PHILLIP
So they know about the accounts. Don’t worry, dear, they’ve got it wrong! It will all come out in court. Anything else?

BRANDY
They said I emptied the accounts right before the arrest. I don’t know what they’re talking about!

PHILLIP
I’ve got the best lawyers lined up for you.

BRANDY
Phillip, I’m scared. Do I admit to our chicanery? Or maintain my innocence and hope to get off?

PHILLIP
My darling girl, admitting to anything now would only make things worse. Besides, you should be used to these little predicaments by now.

BRANDY
Everything points to me. Everything. All I have to do is tell them you were in on it, that you orchestrated it.

PHILLIP
But there’s no proof of that. There never was and there never will be.

BRANDY
You set me up!

PHILLIP
Brandy, please. Don't make this harder than it already is. Now, forgive me, but I have to go.

BRANDY
Go? Go where? You can’t just leave me here.

Phillip runs to the helicopter and Brandy pursues.

BRANDY
Wait! Please, Phillip, don't do this! I trusted you!

Phillip turns with tears in his eyes.

PHILLIP
Brandy, I’m sorry this didn’t work out.

BRANDY
Just admit you took advantage of me. When Charlie was sick, you took advantage of my grief.

PHILLIP
You were desperate for money. I was trying to help. Sometimes things go bad.

BRANDY
So you admit to setting everything up: the fake documents, the shell accounts.

PHILLIP
Of course, but it was all for you. Now, please, I really have to go. I’ll be in touch. I promise.

Brandy watches in despair as Phillip takes off.

INT. HELICOPTER – CONTINUOUS

Phillip takes an incoming call.

PHILLIP
Sandra, my darling girl. You got the tickets? Marvelous. I’ll meet you at the airport in 20 minutes.

He takes one last sad look at the small figure of Brandy who watches him fly away.

EXT. ROOFTOP – CONTINUOUS

Gertie emerges from a rooftop entryway.

BRANDY
You’re a little late.

GERTIE
This isn’t Die Hard.

BRANDY
How did I do? Did you get it?

GERTIE
Your performance made me cry.

BRANDY
I managed to get the tracker on his back without him noticing.

Gertie talks into her com.

GERTIE
Ok, boys, follow him and bring him in.

BRANDY
We make a good team.

GERTIE
Ever consider undercover work?

[Blair Marino]

Great scene. You hit all of the character traits and subtexts. The scene arc and essence also came through.
Great job with using so many items of maximum interest. These are the ones that stuck out for me:
Suspense
Surprise
Interesting setting
Mislead/Reveal
Uncertainty-hope and fear
Character changing radically
Betrayal
Hook
Predictions
Creating a future
Anticipatory dialogue

Keep up the good work. I have enjoyed exchanging feedback with you.

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks Blair – so glad to be able to exchange feedback with you. It’s been very helpful.

[Blair Marino]

LOGLINE: Phillip invites Brandy over for drinks not knowing what Brandy has up her sleeve.
ESSENCE: Trader Traitor
SCENE:
INT. PHILLIP TAYLOR’S LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Thirty-five year old PHILLIP and thirty year old BRANDY sit on a couch drinking wine.

BRANDY
Thank you for inviting me over tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve been out. I also really appreciated attending your promotion celebration the other night. You definitely deserved it.

PHILLIP
Thank you. It appeared my scheming finally paid off.

Phillip half-smiles.

PHILLIP
Seriously though, it was great to finally be recognized as one of the best traders in the company.

BRANDY
I’ll want to be your shadow if I’m ever to be promoted. I can only dream of being in your position some day.

Phillip takes a sip of wine.

PHILLIP
You’ll get there. You’re one of the smartest and wittiest traders in our firm.

BRANDY
Well thank you. I find it helps to put a little amusement into the job.

The doorbell rings. Phillip stands up and walks to the door.

PHILLIP
Please excuse me. I have no idea who this can be.

INT. FRONT HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Phillip opens the door. Two well dressed FBI agents stand on the patio. Brandy walks behind Phillip.

FBI AGENT #1
Phillip Taylor?

PHILLIP
Yes.

FBI AGENT #1
You’re under arrest for participating in insider trading.

PHILLIP
I’m what?

BRANDY
Phillip, what’s going on?

FBI AGENT #1
And who are you, miss?

PHILLIP
She’s just a friend.

FBI AGENT #2
Please put your hands behind your back.

Phillip obliges. FBI Agent #2 cuffs Phillip.

PHILLIP
Wait, is this about the Schuller account? I had no idea what they were attempting and felt awful when I found out their intentions. I also immediately dropped their account. I promise you this is all a total misunderstanding. You must believe me.

BRANDY
He’s telling the truth! You gotta believe him.

FBI agent #2 glares at Brandy.

FBI AGENT #2
And how would you know that when you don’t even know the charges?

PHILLIP
Please. I’m telling you, she has nothing to do with whatever the charges are.

Phillip looks at Brandy.

PHILLIP
Brandy, you have to call CHARLES. He’ll know what to do.

The agents walk Phillip to their car. Brandy watches as Phillip gets into the car. She closes the door and walks to the living room.

INT. PHILLIP TAYLOR’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Brandy sits on the couch and dials her phone.

BRANDY
Hi Charles, it’s Brandy. It’s done. He’s been arrested.

CHARLES
Do you think he suspected anything?

BRANDY
Not at all. He actually tried to protect me from the agents.

CHARLES
Good work.

BRANDY
This is the end of my part of the plan. When am I going to be promoted to V.P.?

CHARLES
All in good time.

BRANDY
You promised that I would be V.P. after all of this!

CHARLES
Yes I did. You must be patient with the process.

Charles hangs up the phone. Brandy looks pissed.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Blair,

Nice, dramatic scene. Even though your logline hinted at who the villain was, I will still surprised by the twist. Here is what I observed…

BRANDY

Traits
– Status seeking – wants a promotion – wants to be a V.P.
– Entertaining – she’s smart and witty
– Needy – wants to shadow Phillip – depends on Charles to promote her.
– Deceptive – she set Phillip up for the arrest

Subtext: Brandy willingly lies when it serves her purpose. (defends Phillip to FBI agents)

Nice use of subtext – she lies to the FBI agents to make Phillip think she’s on his side, but also set the whole thing up so he would be arrested.

PHILLIP

Traits
– Manipulative – he schemed to get his promotion
– Sense of entitlement – says he deserved the promotion
– Guilt ridden – admits he dabbled with the Schuller account but then dropped it.
– Polite – his dialogue is very polite

Subtext: Phillip is polite…as he manipulates those around him. (hinted at in the way he got his promotion)

Suspense: who’s at the door?
Major twist: Phillip is arrested
Surprise: Brandy orchestrated the arrest
Setting: Phillips home – (perhaps a different setting could add to the drama?)
Intrigue: imbedded in the dialogue – especially with Phillip, how did he get his promotion?
Mystery: how does Charles fit into all this, and will he make Brandy a V.P.?
Cliffhanger: Brandy is put off by Charles – what will she do now?
Character Changes/Betrayal: Brandy is the “bad guy” – also – Charles seems to be betraying Brandy
Uncomfortable Moment: the arrest
Predictions/Creating a future: Brandy’s promotion
Anticipatory Dialogue: Phillip tells Brandy to call Charles “he’ll know what to do.”

Just a couple suggestions: Phillip says that Brandy is the smartest and wittiest – It would be fun to give Brandy something to say that is bright and witty. While Phillip’s traits are all there – they could be stronger/exaggerated – especially his subtext – to make the scene more interesting/compelling.

This was a fun scene! One more to go!

[Blair Marino]

Hey Deb,
Thanks for your detailed feedback, I really appreciate it. You gave great suggestions. I could have had some fun making Brandy wittier through her dialogue. And I agree about Phillip's subtext not being a strong as it could be. This scene took me longer to write as I was trying to make sure all of the traits and subtexts were there. It's been fun learning and practicing this process.

[Christopher Fallon]

Christopher writes the scene with Brandy and Philo.
LOGLINE: Brandy tries to bluff her way out of a tight spot with the Police.
ESSENCE: Philo controls everything.

EXT. REMOTE COUNTRY ROAD – N.IRELAND – DAY

BRANDY waits in her car, a beat-up Skoda, in a clearing beneath some trees by the side of a narrow country road.

INT. BRANDY’S CAR –

She lowers a small pair of binoculars. As she does so she glimpses a movement in her wing mirror and makes a sudden move to turn — but then is caught off guard by a voice from the other side of the car and the barrel of a rifle pointing at her.

Brandy: Jesus Christ –

COP # 1: Step out of the car, hands above your head!

She obeys, slowly getting out of the car with her hands behind her head. Brandy is 28 and wears rhinestone cowboy boots, skin tight Levis, a white cowboy blouse and a denim waistcoat. The cops are two heavily armed plain clothes. #1 is in his early 40s, #2 is late 20s.

Cop #1 slams her into the side of the car while Cop #2 frisks her for weapons.

COP #2 nods: she’s clean.

COP # 1: Look like we got Dolly fricking Parton.

COP # 2: No it’s whatshername isn’t it – the new one? Shania something.

BRANDY: Shania Twain.

COP#2: Shania Twain. That’s it. Shania Twain. Is that who you fancy yourself as then is it? Shania Twain?

BRANDY: Who do you fancy yourselfs as then? Clint fricking Eastwood?
You scared the living daylights out of me.

COP #1: Give me the keys to the trunk and put your hands on the top of the car.

BRANDY: Is that a warrant in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

COP #2: She’s got some lip on her hasn’t she.

COP #1: We don’t need warrant. In this neck of the woods, we don’t need a warrant to search a vehicle.

Cop #2 opens the trunk — finds a suitcase, half opened with all sorts of fancy showgirl paraphernalia, sparkly bikini etc. And a few flyers advertising “Brandy Peaches – exotic dancer”.

COP #2: What’s all this then?

BRANDY: My working outfits. I’m a showgirl, I entertain.

COP #2: A stripper? You’re a stripper?

Brandy: I like to think I’m operating on a higher plain than that.

COP #2: But you do take your clothes off, right? And wave your fanny about in front of a bunch of men?

BRANDY: Jesus Christ…

COP #1: Alright Gavin, give it a rest.

COP #2: So what are you doing out here then, sitting on your own out here?

BRANDY: is there a law against it?

COP #1: Not a law exactly.

BRANDY: So I’m free to go.

COP #1: No you’re not free to go Miss… Brandy Peaches – is that your real name?

BRANDY: What do you think?

COP #1: Would you mind telling us your real name?

BRANDY: Sinead O Connor.

COP #1: Don’t get cute, I’m trying to be polite here.

The other cop is looking at her driver’s license.
COP #2: No it is – that’s her real name. Sinead O connor.

COP #1: Well I suppose there’s only room for one Sinead O connor on the world stage. Why are you sitting out here a mile from the border. Are you expecting someone coming over?

BRANDY: Coming over?

COP #1: Are you expecting Philo Corrigan by any chance?

BRANDY: Philo Corrigan? I don’t know any Philo Corrigan. Can I take my hands off the car roof, they’re getting awfully cold.

Cop #1 nods okay.

BRANDY: Do you have a ciggy by any chance?

COP #2: She’s very funny isn’t she.

COP #1: Aye, she is. Philo Corrigan — he’s been on the run for the last two years since he broke out of Crumlin Road prison.

Brandy: Is that right?

COP #1: And he killed a police officer.

BRANDY: Gosh that’s sad.

COP #1: Aye, and a good lad too he was. This one’s cousin (nodding to Cop #2).

BRANDY: My condolences.

COP # 2: You haven’t told us what you’re doing out here.

BRANDY: I was working till five in the morning, it’s hard to sleep with all the adrenaline flowing and that.

COP #1: Where were you working?

BRANDY: A club in Omagh.

COP #1: And you drove all this way?

She nods.

COP #1: To look at the view?

BRANDY: Indeed.

COP # 1: Not to meet Philo Corrigan?

BRANDY: I don’t know a Philo Corrigan.

COP #2: Yeah you do.

He throws a photo of her and Philo from a few years back, side by side, arm in arm at a demonstration.

BRANDY: Is that Philo Corrigan?

COP #1: It is.

BRANDY: I thought his name was Mick.

COP #1: You went out with him for two years.

BRANDY: I always called him Mick. He was a nice lad, he wouldn’t be getting into any bother like the fella you’re looking for. He certainly wouldn’t be killing any coppers.

COP #2: You’re funny, she’s a funny one isn’t she.

COP #1: Yeah she’s very entertaining.

BRANDY: Look I probably should get going shouldn’t I? If there’s no law against me being here then I should probably be on my way.

COP: You’re not going anywhere.

BRANDY: Why not?

COP #1: Because you’re under arrest.

BRANDY: Fuck.

Brandy tries to make a run for it down the road but cop #2 trips her up and cuffs her in seconds. He gags her too, so that she can’t call out. He pulls her up and drags her back to the car.

Her eyes bulge with fear.

COP #1 gets a message on his walkie talkie: Corrigan has been sighted and will be coming down the road in just a few minutes.

COP #2 forcefully bundles Brandy back into the car, he tightens the gag so she can’t scream or shout out, and tightly lashes her hands to the steering wheel.

COP #2: So you just stay here Brandy Peaches and when your boyfriend shows up try to smile as best you can. Okay?

She nods frantically.

The cop closes the car door and they both move further up the road. They each take a position on either side of the road, hidden in the undergrowth, rifles trained on the brow of the hill.

INT. BRANDY’S CAR –

She can see it all from here, and knows that as soon Philo appears in their cross-hairs, he’ll be brought down in a hail of bullets.

Now she sees that that keys are in the ignition. she desperately tries to connect with them with her knees. But there’s no way she do so.

She tries to blare the horn with her head, but she just can’t get her head close enough to the steering wheel.

She leans back in despair.

And now she sees: A figure of a man approaching on a bicycle. PHILO.

Her eyes widen, they widen again as –

DOOF, DOOF, DOOF, DOOF, DOOF —

The two cops are shot from behind, by two masked GUNMEN who appear from the undergrowth.

Philo Corrigan cycles past the dead men, drops his bike and walks calmy up to the car.

PHILO: Sorry you had to see that babe. But sometimes things just have to be done

Brandy is screaming beneath her gag.

PHILO: Now I’ll take this off you but you have to promise me not to scream, because if you do it’s going straight back on, do you understand?

She nods and he ungags her.

BRANDY: You bastard, you set me up. You set me up!

PHILO: I know, I’m sorry about that, I feel terrible. It will haunt me for the rest of my days.

He cuts her loose from the steering wheel.

The masked gunmen walk over.

PHILO: Okay, let’s get going. The Brits will be here in no time.

As Philo leads Brandy into the woods, the gunmen douse her car in pertrol and set it aflame.

BRANDY: My car! You bastards! My fricking car! And my stage outfits!

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Christopher Fallon.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Chris,

An absolutely fantastic scene. You had me suspended and my interest was peaked throughout. Great use of interest techniques. I had to pick through the scene carefully to see how you did what you did, and these are my observations:

Suspense – location + binoculars – what’s she looking at?

Surprise – barrel of a rifle (Hook)

Building Brandy’s character:

Brandy’s outfit – entertaining

The cops also allude to entertainers when describing her.

Brandy speaks to the cops as tough/smart mouth/not easily intimidated – not exactly one of her traits but engaging none-the-less.

Brandy’s suitcase – more entertaining clothing – flyers of herself as an exotic dancer (Uncomfortable moment?)

Brandy says “I entertain.”

Then there’s more – how she interprets her act – and how Cop #2 reacts to it.

Then – is Brandy even her real name? Funny – Sinead O connor.

Finally we get to – why she’s there and her relationship to Philo

Note: for some reason, I had pictured in my mind a hot summer day (don’t ask me why) – and was surprised by “my hands are cold”.

Asking for a “ciggy” – distracting, not afraid.

Cop #1 begins to build Philo’s reputation… on the run, etc. (Intrigue/Mystery)

She lies by denying any knowledge of Philo… as they describe his crimes, they build his reputation.

They question her again about why she’s there and her story breaks down. Then a Major Twist – they have a picture of her and Philo together.

She’s quick to deceive – “thought his name was Mick”.

Brandy continues her charade till they finally place her under arrest. Then she runs. (implying guilt)

The bit with Brandy in the car, trying desperately to warn Philo is great – you take your time with Uncertainty – hope / fear.

Then Philo on the bike (? Ha!) – which leads us to a great Mislead/Reveal when the cops are shot. (and you took enough time to develop them that, perhaps, we were just getting to like them!)

Philo takes over – his traits precede him and are present in dialogue – except perhaps the “sense of entitlement.” Brandy’s “Needy” isn’t quite there either. Both of their subtexts, however, were screaming.

Cliffhanger: what the heck? Burn her car? Where are they going? She seems like a hostage, now.

Overall, your characters are very rich and engaging. You do a great job of building them in front of our eyes – this is something you are very good at, and I admire it.

One more scene to go. Looking forward to it!

[Christopher Fallon]

Thanks Deborah, I really appreciate your generous comments. I was hoping to get across Phil’s sense of entitlement with his line “sometimes things just have to be done” – ie: he has that horrible trait of disregarding other peoples suffering by imagining that he has a more perfect sense of what is right. I was hoping Brandy’s neediness would come across with her complaining about her cold hands and asking for a ciggie — but I totally get why I might have missed the mark with that.
Now I must apologise — I’m traveling in the UK and I’ve just come down with pneumonia, so I’m totally exhausted and my brain appears to have abandoned me. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to contribute any further, so I apaologise that I havent been able to offer any feedabck on your scene, other than to say now that I enjoyed it – and keep up the good work!

[Deb Johnson]

Ugh. Total misery. Hope your back on your feet soon. Hang in there.