Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 6

[Yvonne Arnett]

YVONNE ARNETT – MAX INTEREST – INTEREST TECHNIQUE
From episode 22 – Ties That Bind
WHAT I LEARNED that is improving my writing is that this was very difficult to do. I
thought I was open to change, but my script is an old friend and I has to look at it with
different eyes. I hope I was able to do this. This scene, though short, is an important
part of my murder mystery involving these two. I’m now sure that it could be written in
many different ways. I’ll keep trying.
ESSENSE: Rick is instantly drawn to Angela because of her resemblance to his dead
wife and is being drawn into an intrigue by Angela who is hiding a terrible secret.
IMPORTANT: Angela is using Rick, however she falls for him and does not find out until
later in the story that she is a replacement for his wife. So neither are being honest with
each other.
TECHNIQUES USED:
Superior Position/ Dramatic Irony
Intrigue.
INT. RICK’S OFFICE – NIGHT
The office is dimly lit by a desk lamp. Rick is seated behind his desk working on his
computer. There is a light knock on the office door and Rick slides the desk drawer
open that contains his gun. Angela enters and stands in the doorway in deep shadow.
RICK
May I help you? I’m usually closed by now.
Angela steps out of the shadows and into the room. Rick recognizes her from the
restaurant and is flustered. He slides the drawer closed.
RICK
Sorry, please have a seat… Ms…?
ANGELA
…Ray…Angela Ray. You remember me? From Julio’s?
She flashes Rick’s card. He nods his head. His eyes move from Angela to a photo on
his desk of his deceased wife. They could pass for twins.
ANGELA
You were very galant.
Angela’s large dark eyes flick nervously around the tiny room before she sits down in
the chair facing Rick.
ANGELA
I- I need your professional help.
Rick reaches for the mini fridge door behind him, trying to compose himself.
RICK
You want something to drink…water, a beer?
ANGELA
No… no thank you.
She leans towards Rick. Her voice almost a whisper.
ANGELA
I need…the truth is i’m frightened. I afraid someone may be watching me.
Rick frowns and leans back in his chair, assessing her.
RICK
Someone you know? An old boyfriend, ex-husband?
Agitated, her face tightens, her voice raises an octave.
ANGELA
I… I just need to know if someone is watching my place.
He studies her face.
RICK
You sure there is nothing else I should know, Ms. Ray?
She hesitates, then speaks slowly as if to confide.
ANGELA
How far are you willing to stick your neck out for a client?
RICK
It depends… I’m kinda fond of my neck.
ANGELA
(soft laugh)
Don’t worry your neck is safe with me… for now.
The moment for confiding is gone. Rick clears his throat and gets down to business.
RICK
Why don’t I install several cameras around your place and monitor those. That should
tell us if someone is casing your home. Will that work for you?
Angela rises as if to leave, hesitates, then opens her purse and takes out a fat
envelope.
ANGELA
I thought you might need a retainer. Also, my address and cell number are in the
envelope.
Rick gets up and moves around the desk towards her.
ANGELA
You’ll start tomorrow?
He nods. Angela lays the envelope on the desk and walks towards the door. She turns,
studies his face then smiles. He returns the smile, hooked. Maybe, just maybe he will
stick his neck out for her.
RICK
Meanwhile, if you notice anything out of the ordinary…call me…anytime.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb's QE Cycle 6 Scene

Logline: Fleeing from danger, Carley and Marcus get stranded in the back alley of a crime ridden neighborhood.

Essence: When the cats away the mice will play.

Scene:

EXT. SEEDY ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

Black and White: as seen from a surveillance camera: Back doors lead to bars. A junk car rolls to a stop.

Real time: The driver is CARLEY, 28, attractive. The passenger is MARCUS, 32, big, balding. They wear lab coats.

INT. THE JUNKER CAR

Carley turns the key over. It clicks, but no juice.

CARLEY
Love? Really, Marcus? Here?

MARCUS
Forgive me… this complicates things. But it's time you knew — I've always loved you.

CARLEY
Can’t say I saw this coming, but we’ve got bigger problems.

She takes a worried look over her shoulder and tries again.

MARCUS
This is not how I imagined…

Carley pops the hood.

CARLEY
I thought we hated each other. I thought… I thought you were…

A drunk stumbles from a door and vomits into a dumpster.

MARCUS
You’re the most caring person I know. I've always respected you, even when we clashed.

The RADIO BLARES MUSIC then DIES. They are both alarmed. Carley pops the trunk and gets out.

EXT. DARK ALLEY

Marcus follows.

CARLEY
I have jumper cables.

MARCUS
Wait!

Carley opens the trunk. There’s a golf bag and a silver case.

CARLEY
This is your stuff. This is your car.

MARCUS
Carley, look at me.

He takes her by the shoulders and turns her towards him.

CARLEY
Listen, Marcus, I do care about you, I think… but let’s try to get out of here first, and then we can talk… okay?

She wrests herself away and opens the case.

MARCUS
You’re right. I’m letting my imagination get ahead of me. I’m sorry…

Inside the case: vials of strange gold liquid.

CARLEY
Marcus, please explain.

Marcus takes the case and closes it.

MARCUS
It’s the hallucinogen. Remember? We’re taking it to the police. But you got exposed.

Carley shakes her head vigorously then grasps her temples.

MARCUS
We have to keep moving.

Carley takes out her phone. The Vomit Guy moves toward them and belches a long, strange burp.

CARLEY
(in phone)
I’ll send you our location.

Vomit Guy pulls out a knife. Marcus shields Carley.

MARCUS
Really? In front of a security camera?

VOMIT GUY
You’re money or your life.

CARLEY
You’ve got spittle on your shirt.

POLICE SIRENS. Vomit Guy is spooked. He runs away.

MARCUS
Who did you call?

CARLEY
Professor Renfro.

The police car passes behind them. The SIRENS get distant.

MARCUS
Are you serious? You idiot. That’s who we’re running from.

CARLEY
You’re the idiot. You’ve always been the idiot. Oh my god, did I say that out loud?

Carly looks at the sky, amazed and in fear as it quickly goes from night to bright daylight to night.

CARLEY
Am I losing my mind? What’s happening?

MARCUS
I’m so sorry about all this, but let’s stick to our plan. Everything is going to be okay.

He holds her in his arms. Comforted, She looks up into his eyes and he leans in for a kiss.

Headlights advance toward them – they break apart.

MARCUS
Oh, for the love of…

CARLEY
It’s Professor Renfro! Run!

MARCUS
This way!

Carley, confused, runs straight to the headlights. The car screeches to a halt and Carley peers into the windshield.

CARLEY
It’s Ben! It’s okay. It’s Ben!

BEN, 30, handsome and well dressed, gets out of the car.

BEN
I came as soon as I could.

CARLEY
My Ben! You won’t believe…

Ben pulls out a gun.

BEN
Just hand over the vials and nobody gets hurt.

CARLEY
Is this a joke, bubby?

Ben aims the gun at Carley. Marcus offers the case.

MARCUS
Here. Take it.

CARLEY
Ben, behind you! Look out!

Ben turns. Marcus drops the case and grabs Ben’s gun.

Ben disappears.

CARLEY
Wait. What just happened? Where…

MARCUS
I saved you.

He gently takes Carley in his arms.

CARLEY
Are you my hero?

MARCUS
I hope so.

They embrace.

SURVEILLANCE CAMERA MONITOR:

The embrace is seen in black and white. There are HOOTS and HOLLERS and a cacophony of people talking.

EXT. DARK ALLEY

Marcus plugs Carley’s arm with a syringe. She faints.

MARCUS
I told you…

Carley comes to, looks around and blinks. The scene flashes.

INT. LAB ROOM – DAY

A white room with wall mounted screens. A sliver table holds vials of gold liquid. Carley and Marcus wear strange helmets with goggles.

A group of scientists, Ben among them, watch from an observation window. They exchange money and laugh.

MARCUS
My hallucinogen works. It makes you go against your conscience.

CARLEY
Oh, god. Did we?…

MARCUS
Right on the kisser, baby!

CARLEY
Ugh. (yells through the window) Alright, alright already, you animals. (to Marcus) Okay – double or nothing. I will resist this time.

MARCUS
Professor Renfro will be back any minute!

Carley grabs a vial from the table and downs the liquid.

MARCUS
Fine. But it’s your nightmare. This time I’m gonna slip you the tounge.

CARLEY
Not on your life.

[Blair Marino]

Hi Deb, here is my feedback for your scene:

CARLEY
Traits
– Tough—Carley pops the hood to see what’s wrong with the car. I don't really see her toughness in her dialogue.

– Caring “Listen, Marcus, I do care about you, I think… (Doesn’t really come through since she gave the “I think” disclaimer). She might be considered caring by telling the drunk that he has spittle on his shirt. Marcus does say that she is the most caring person he knows, but I don’t see that in the scene.

– Distracting / Evasive— Evasive: "Love? Really, Marcus? Here?”
Distracting: “Can’t say I saw this coming, but we’ve got bigger problems.”
– Polite “Marcus, please explain.”

MARCUS
Traits
– Strategic—"Are you serious? You idiot. That’s who we’re running from.” “It’s the hallucinogen. Remember? We’re taking it to the police. But you got exposed.”
– Commanding -“We have to keep moving.”
– Imaginative- “I’m letting my imagination get ahead of me. I’m sorry”
“This is not how I imagined…”
– Apologetic—“I’m so sorry about all this, but let’s stick to our plan. Everything is going to be okay.”

Use of skill mastery:
Suspense—who are they running from?
Major twist—Finding out all of it was part of an experiment.
Interesting setting—Seedy alleyway
Uncertainty—what’s going to happen to Marcus and Carley with the many obstacles they have to face in the alley?
Intrigue—Why does Carley think she is driving her car?
Cliffhanger—What will happen when Carley takes the hallucinogen again?
Something unseen—Dr. Renfro
Character changes radically—When Carley comes to after she is given what appears to be an anti-hallucinogen.
Uncomfortable situation—when the drunk vomits into the dumpster.
Hook – Carley: “I thought we hated each other. I thought… I thought you were…”
Carley: “This is your stuff. This is your car.”
Anticipatory dialogue— Marcus: “It’s the hallucinogen. Remember? We’re taking it to the police. But you got exposed”

After reading your scene several times, here are my observations:

I don’t see that the scene situation/arc came through. Carley didn’t seem to think they were meant to be together and the kiss was forced from the hallucinogen. Carley even says “not in your life” when Marcus says he will slip her the tongue the next time. Does Marcus really want to be with Carley, or is it an act for the experiment? And does Carley have a thing for Ben instead?

I don’t think the Vomit Guy needs to be in the scene. It seems like he wasn’t a part of the experiment and he didn’t add anything to the scene. Even when Marcus tries to take advantage of the unexpected situation to finish the experiment (with the vomit guy being there) he fails.

Carley’s traits came through some in her dialogue, but I had a hard time finding examples in the script. I didn't see her as caring through her dialogue. I also didn’t see her to be that tough, other than the fact that she volunteered to be a part of the experiment. Carley’s subtext came through once when she was trying to avoid Marcus’ advances. Marcus’ subtext did come through.

As for the essence, I’m assuming Dr. Renfro was the cat and the scientists were the mice? Why did they not want Dr. Renfro to know what they're doing?

I hope this feedback is helpful and not seen as too critical. I wish you the best with your screenplay journey. 🙂 Take care.

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks Blair. All excellent observations. We walk a fine line with our creativity and following the dictates outlined in the scene description. My scene is a ‘twist’ on the original situation. I saw Carley as tough and playing out her subtext as she does all she can to resist the hallucinogen. She doesn’t like Marcus at all, but her caring nature “creates” the vomit guy to avoid hurting Marcus’ feelings. The vomit guy is one way her subconscious distracts to get away from Marcus. Yes – she does like Ben, so she brings him into the scene as a way of getting away from Marcus.
So, perhaps it was all a stretch, and didn’t work, but it was a fun ‘experiment’ nonetheless. I appreciate your feedback. This has been a great class!

[Blair Marino]

LOGLINE: Carley and Marcus partake in a game of wits during a poker game in the old west.

ESSENCE: Hunches can turn out to be true.
Scene:

INT. SALOON – LATE AFTERNOON

The only tavern in a hundred mile radius, the HOLE IN THE WALL is as fancy as you can get in the late eighteen hundreds Wyoming. CARLEY is a young saloon girl who serves drinks and entertains the patrons with singing and dancing. She weaves between the table making her rounds. Mayor TOM WATKINS grabs her arm as she walks by.

MAYOR TOM WATKINS
Dearest, could you get me another beer?

CARLEY
Yes Mr. Mayor.

The doors swing open and in walks MARCUS, the general store owner. He takes off his hat and wipes the dirt off the brim. He glances at Carley as he makes his way to the bar. CARSON the bartender is pouring a beer from the tap.

MARCUS
Get me a beer, Carson.

Carson hands Marcus a beer.

CARSON
Already got you one, Marcus.

He hands it to Marcus, who then takes a long drink. Carley rushes over to the bar and bumps into Marcus.

CARLEY
Move over, Marcus!

MARCUS
My apologies for you bumping into me.

Carley does a double take.

CARLEY
(to Carson)
Sweetheart, I need three more beers please.

Carson nods his head and gets more glasses.

MARCUS
(to Carley)
Sweetheart? Do I picture a courtship in the making?

Carson smirks as he fills up the glasses and hands Carley the beers. Carley winks at Marcus.

CARLEY
Wouldn't you like to know?
(to Carson)
Thank you very much.

Carley walks to the other side of the saloon. Carson shrugs at Marcus.

MARCUS
Save me a spot at one of the tables later.

Carson nods. Marcus gulps down the rest of his beer. He stands up and catches Carley's eye as he makes his way to the double swinging doors.

INT. SALOON – LATER

Smoke and boisterous patrons pack the saloon. A few saloon girls are singing along to a piano tune played by the Mayor, who appears to have had a few too many beers. The DEALER, Marcus, Carley, and seven other players sit at one of the many poker tables.

DEALER
Your turn to ante, Marcus.

Marcus looks at Carley and throws two of his wooden chips into the pile. The dealer then deals five cards to each of the players. A round of betting occurs. Two players fold. Carley discards two cards.

CARLEY
I raise.

Carley throws in three chips. The dealer discards two of his cards and deals two more cards to himself and Carley. Three players stand pat. Two players and Marcus throws in five chips for the raise.

MARCUS
I call.

Another round of betting, raising, and calling. Two more players fold. Carley throws six chips into the pot.

CARLEY
I raise.

The remaining players throw in their chips for the raise and call their hands. All eyes land on Carley. She reveals her four of a kind.

CARLEY
Read 'em and weep boys.

All the remaining player fold except Marcus. The dealer uncovers his three of a kind. Marcus pauses and reveals his hand.

MARCUS
Straight flush.

Carley sneers while the rest of the table guffaws.

CARLEY
Wow. That was one lucky hand.

Marcus gathers up his winnings.

MARCUS
I assure you no luck was involved.

CARLEY
So you're saying the deck was stacked?

Several players let out moans.

MARCUS
I know you didn't just call me a swindler.

CARLEY
If the shoe fits.

MARCUS
(quoting Shakespeare)
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

CARLEY
Excuse me?

MARCUS
You had a pretty lucky hand as well.

CARLEY
Oh, so now I'm the one who's cheating.

She leaps up.

CARLEY
I'm cashing out.

Carley gathers up her winnings and walks over to the bar.

MARCUS
I'm sorry you had to witness that, gentlemen. Anyone interested in another hand?

EXT. SALOON – LATER

Carley sits on a bench and looks up at the stars. Marcus exits the saloon and sees Carley.

MARCUS
Are you still upset at me for winning?

He walks over and sits down next to Carley.

CARLEY
I did not invite you over here.

MARCUS
Well, are you upset?

CARLEY
I don't have to answer that question.

MARCUS
Look, I'm sorry that it appears that I'm looking for an argument. I assure you I'm not.

Carley scoffs and scooches away from Marcus.

CARLEY
You could have fooled me.

Carley cools down a bit.

CARLEY
What are you looking for?

Marcus laughs.

MARCUS
Someone I can cheat at cards with.

Carley raises her eyebrows.

CARLEY
So you DID cheat!

Marcus looks at Carley.

MARCUS
Yes, I did. And I'm sorry I accused you of something that I was actually doing.

Carley grins.

MARCUS
What?

CARLEY
It appears you are better at cheating than me.

MARCUS
I knew it!

Marcus sighs. He looks up at the sky and then turns towards Carley.

MARCUS
You're the first person who has actually been able to crack my ingenuity.

CARLEY
Are you trying to flatter me?

MARCUS
Is it working?

CARLEY
Maybe.

Marcus and Carley look into each other's eyes and both lean in to kiss.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Blair,

You have several interest techniques that work well in this scene and your characters deliver on their traits. Here are a few observations:

Interesting Setting – Saloon

Scene 1 – Marcus Flirts with Carley
Scene 2 – Marcus beats Carley at Cards
Scene 3 – They both admit they cheated at cards.
Meant to be together – they are both card sharks.

Carley comes across as tough, distracting, and polite and her subtext can be seen as she avoids direct questions from Marcus.

Marcus’ trait of being Strategic is strong and his subtext is seen when he outmaneuvers Carley in the game.

Funny line: (delivering character trait)
Marcus – my apologies for you bumping into me.

Suspense: we know Marcus likes Carley “do I picture courtship?…”, but how will this play out?
Major twist: they both cheat at cards
Surprise: Marcus wins the card game
Mislead/reveal: we think Carley has won the game, till Marcus shows his cards.
Intrigue: the final scene; what is Marcus after?
Uncomfortable moment: Carley accuses Marcus of cheating.
Predictions: In scene 1, Marcus hints at romance
Creating a future: the final scene is a set up for the two of them to become a team – to cheat at cards together. This is an interesting hook as part of the cliffhanger to the scene. Where will they go from here?

Keep up the great work. Glad to have participated in this class with you!