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[Christopher Fallon]

Chris writes CHALLENGING SITUATIONS ( lesson 12)

LESSON TWELVE: Creating Challenging Situations.

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing: it’s important to focus on the characters’ goals and needs in each scene and to find ways to challenge them in order to heighten the tension of the scene. It’s important not to make life easy for the protagonist by collaborating with them, but to make life harder.

SCENE:

Set-up: N.Ireland, 1977. Edna is a widow in her early 40s. Her 16 year old son Terry is in trouble with the local paramilitaries who’ve run out of patience with his casual thieving and disrespect. A young para thug warns Edna: “Get Terry out of the country within 24 hours, otherwise he’s a dead man.”

a/ Current Scene Logline: Edna must try to persuade local paramilitary thug Martin, that her petty thief son Terry is a reformed character and should not be run out of town.

b/ Essence: protect her son at all costs.

c/ Possible challenges:

1/ Goal — try to persuade Martin that Terry is a reformed character so that she can get the ultimatum lifted.

2/ Needs — protect her son.

3/ Values: Love, life and family above party loyalty and political allegiances.

4/ Wound: Her husband, Terry’s father, was murdered a few years earlier because of his political views. She was irresponsible when she was Terry’s age, but those were different times.

5/ Physical: Martin is physically imposing and is threatening deadly violence against her son.

OLD VERSION

Martin corners Edna on the street corner and tells her: your son has 24 hours to leave the country, otherwise he’ll be killed. She tries to plead for leniency.

D/ Summary of how I’ll write the scene differently.

Martin comes to Edna’s house looking for Terry. She pretends he’s not at home but Martin barges in anyway. A casual search of the house reveals no sign of Terry (but we know he’s hiding in the attic, and listening to everything being said). – increasing the PHYSICAL challenge, and the suspense.

Edna appeals to the generational connections between her family’s and Martin. No dice. This isn’t Martin’s decision – he’s just the messenger. VALUES.

She reminds Martin that he and her husband were friends, but again this falls on deaf ears — Martin tells her there is no room for sentimentality in the current conflict. WOUND.

Martin leaves and Edna goes up into the attic — to discover that Terry has gone: he has squeezed through the skylight window and escaped across the rooftops. She knows that Terry is a loose canon and now in great danger — physical.

***

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Christopher Fallon.

[Deb Johnson]

This is my scene from Lesson 14 –

LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire have volunteered to manage their bosses’ late aunt's garage sale, but they’re both hiding something.

Essence: two wrongs make everything worse

EXT. OPEN GARAGE/YARD – DAY

A sweltering summer day. A garage, driveway, and yard are strewn with tables: a huge garage sale, festive with a popcorn maker, balloons, and almost a century of junk. Customers mill about.
NANCY, 25, crisp and efficient, wears a single wireless earbud and moves about.
She secures a balloon and gives it to a LITTLE BOY.

NANCY
Mr. Tomkins! I wanted to assure you that all is going as planned.

She reaches into a cooler and hands an Old Woman a water.

MR. TOMKINS (V.O.)
(in the earbud)
Find anything valuable, besides my Aunt Margaret's China collection?

She moves into the garage and peeks behind some boxes. Her eyes go wide and dart about frantically. Something's missing.

NANCY
The Royal Copenhagen China is on display. I'll get the best price for it.

MR. TOMKINS
Nancy, you're the best. I can't thank you and Squire enough for handling this for my aunt's estate.

Nancy glares at SQUIRE, 25, a modern hippie. He wears an old woman's tea party hat and sips water. He lounges in the only shady corner, in a big comfy chair (for sale) in front of an electric fan (for sale.)
Squire glances at his phone; a worried look. He looks around and is distracted by an attractive woman. He knocks off the silly hat and checks his hair in a vintage mirror.

NANCY
You're welcome, Mr. Tomkins! I'll see you Monday. Take care now.

Nancy clicks off her earbud and beelines to Squire.

Squire moves towards the attractive woman then notices the balloon boy next to her. He slams on the brakes, veers the other way, and almost runs into a HOT SHOPPER… twice as pretty as the other woman.

SQUIRE
Well, hello.

He has a charming smile. She looks at corning ware.

SQUIRE
This cornflower is lovely, but have you seen the Blue Fluted China?

He gently touches her shoulder and leads her. Nancy watches from the garage. The Hot Shopper tears up.

HOT SHOPPER
Oh my god, this is just like the set my grandmother had.

He casually leans on the shelving unit and gazes at her with interest. Hot Shopper looks at the price.

HOT SHOPPER
But, way too expensive.

SQUIRE
What if I told you it was half off?

HOT SHOPPER
You would do that for me?

SQUIRE
Darling, I'd…

Balloon boy walks up and blows into a harmonica.

BALLOON BOY
Mommy! Look what I found!

Hot Shopper is horrified. She snatches it away and throws it to the floor. Squire is wide-eyed at his own mistake.

HOT SHOPPER
Honey! That's disgusting!

The boy cries. She tries to console him.

HOT SHOPPER
Yes, I'll take it. If you could just box it…

Squire smiles, assents, and walks away. He gets another PHONE ALERT and looks concerned. Nancy walks up.

SQUIRE
Oh, good! I've been…

NANCY
Come here.

Nancy grabs his shirt and ushers him away from the people.

SQUIRE
Easy, that's polyester, Listen…

NANCY
Why in the world would you discount that China?

SQUIRE
Hey, at least we made a sale. We've gotta move the merchandise!

NANCY
Not the Royal Copenhagen you idiot!

SQUIRE
Easy there, tiger, life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

Nancy stares at him with a tight jaw and hands on her hips.

NANCY
You've been sitting on your ass all day! The only reason you volunteered was to get in good with Mr. Tomkins.

SQUIRE
Nancy, you know you're just as ambitious as I am. It's one of the things I admire about you.

NANCY
Shush. I'm not done. What did you do with the painting I put behind those boxes?

SQUIRE
Painting?

NANCY
Don't play dumb with me.

SQUIRE
I've been moving all those heavy boxes from the basement and attic, trying to keep up. Sorry, I'm not working as hard as you. But I'll help you find the painting, no worries.

NANCY
I don't want us to get into trouble over this. Let's just find a way to make it right.

Squire casually looks over at his car parked nearby. Nancy follows his gaze and can see the painting in the back seat of the car. She walks over and he follows.

NANCY
Huh. Interesting. What's that?

SQUIRE
Oh, that painting… thought it would look good in my man cave.

NANCY
Really. I'll take it from here.

Squire opens the car door and takes the painting out.

SQUIRE
My bad. No muss no fuss.

Squire carries the painting back to the garage. She follows. They stop near the shelf full of China. Nancy tries to take the painting, but Squire hangs on.

NANCY
We've got a real dilemma here.

SQUIRE
Finders keepers?

NANCY
Either Mr. Tomkins gives one of us the promotion, or, there's a risk that, if this sale is a success, he'll team us up on another project.

SQUIRE
Would that be so bad?

NANCY
It's kind of like being paired with the lazy kid on the science fair project.

SQUIRE
I always got a blue ribbon!

NANCY
I'm sure it said participant.
Give me the painting, Squire.

SQUIRE
C'mon, Nancy. Admit it. You were going to steal this painting too. It's no big deal.

NANCY
I was trying to keep it safe!

They both have a firm grip on the painting and tug back and forth. Nancy steps back, slips on the harmonica, and falls back into the shelving of China. It crashes to the floor. Nancy and Squire are aghast. All the customers gape.

SQUIRE
Nice going, Nancy.

NANCY
It was an accident!

SQUIRE
Well, now it's free.

There's a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder.

NANCY
Oh, no!

SQUIRE
That's what I've been trying to tell you. I've been getting Storm Warning alerts on my phone.

Rain falls; a heavy downpour. Customers run to their cars.

Nancy clicks on her earbud.

NANCY
Go for Nancy.

SQUIRE
Look at the bright side… we probably won't ever have to work together again.

NANCY
Hello, Mr. Tomkins!

[Blair Marino]

SITUATION: It seems like Nancy is the only on who doesn’t trust Squire.
SCENE ARC: They did complete their scene arc.
NANCY
Traits
– Confrontational-”Why in the world would you discount that China?”
– Stubborn-Not sure where this is.
– Scheming-“The Royal Copenhagen China is on display. I'll get the best price for it”
– Caring-“I wanted to assure you that all is going as planned.”

Subtext: I’m not sure where Nancy’s subtext shows up. Squire says that Nancy is just as ambitious as he is, but I don’t see Nancy being covertly competitive in the scene. Nancy even tries insulting Squire by saying, “It's kind of like being paired with the lazy kid on the science fair project.”
SQUIRE
Traits
– Evasive-when he acts like he doesn’t know where a painting is.
– Selfish-He tries to take a painting for himself.
– Happy-go-lucky-“Easy there, tiger, life's too short to sweat the small stuff.”
– Seductive-Not sure where this is.

Subtext: I don’t see where Squire is being seductive or using his charms to control others. He offers the Hot Lady a discount for the China, but how does that control her? I also don’t see him being seductive by just giving the woman a discount. Perhaps I missed something.

Interest techniques:
-Uncomfortable moment-When Nancy crashes into the China.
-Dilemma- When Nancy says, “Either Mr. Tomkins gives one of us the promotion, or, there's a risk that, if this sale is a success, he'll team us up on another project.”
-Something unseen- Mr. Tomkins, the boss.
-Creating a Future-Nancy and Squire may be teamed up again.
-Anticipatory Dialogue- When Nancy says, “Mr. Tomkins! I wanted to assure you that all is going as planned.”

Nicely done. I enjoyed the scene layout. I could visualize everything in your scene descriptions. You implemented some good interest techniques. Overall, I felt the situation was not clear and the scene fell short with each character’s subtexts.

[Christopher Fallon]

Chris writes scene between Nancy and Squire.
Logline: An FBI sting is compromised by Squire’s participation.
Essence: One weak link can spoil everything.

INT. CATSKILLS HOTEL RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Three serious MOBSTER men in their 60s sit at a table talking quietly, intensely.
AIDAN KELLY, 50, apparently the Maitre D, stands at the door to the kitchen area and he watches the men across the restaurant. NANCY, 40, a smart waitress, comes past him carrying used dishes.
NANCY
(whispering)
Where the hell is he?
AIDAN
Relax. He’ll be here.
NANCY
If he fucks this up…
AIDAN
He’ll be here.
She pushes the swing doors into the kitchen —
INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN – NIGHT
The usual mayhem of a busy restaurant kitchen, except: Two heavily armed FBI AGENTS sit on counter tops. Waitress – LUCY, 25 – looks tense and agitated as she grabs a bottle of wine and an ice bucket. Nancy helps Lucy through the door.
LUCY
A frigging shit show.
NANCY
Don’t worry, we’ll be fine.
Now SQUIRE enters from a back door, hastily straightening his waiter’s collar and bow tie. Squire is 30 but looks about 21. He goes straight up to Nancy.
SQUIRE
Hiya Cap’n. I’m Squire.
He holds out his hand to shake. She ignores it.
NANCY
You’re late.
SQUIRE
Yeah, my bad. Apologies.
NANCY
Fine. Your jacket’s over there.
She nods to a hook on the wall. Squire puts on the jacket and likes the look of it on him.
SQUIRE
Good to meet you by the way.
What do you think? Cary Grant or what?
NANCY
Jesus Christ…
Squire knows he’s got off on the wrong foot, tries to correct.
SQUIRE
I’ve heard a lot about you. That Philly sting… that was quite a score.
NANCY
We don’t mention Philly unless someone orders steak.
SQUIRE
Got it.
Aidan enters from the dining area.
AIDAN
Ah good, I see you’ve met.
(to Squire)
You’ve got the kit?
Squire nods and takes a small microphone/bug from his pocket.
AIDAN
Good, okay get to it.
Nancy takes Aidan aside.
NANCY
Who is this joker?
AIDAN
Relax, he’s good.
NANCY
He looks about fifteen.
AIDAN
I’m not asking you to sleep with him, just work with him for a night.
Squire starts attaching the small microphone to the underside of a silver tray.
Aidan goes back into the dining area. Nancy starts loading a trolley with plates, cutlery etc
NANCY
You done this before?
SQUIRE
What? Surveillance?
NANCY
No, silver service.
SQUIRE
Sure.
NANCY
You haven’t have you?
SQUIRE
Sure…a little.
NANCY
Where?
When he doesn’t answer she looks to the heavens “give me strength”.
SQUIRE
I’ll pick it up.
NANCY
You don’t have time to pick it up. I’ll serve the fish, okay. I’ll do the tricky stuff. You just takes care of the plates, serve the bread that kind of thing, okay.
SQUIRE
Whatever you say Cap’n.
Lucy comes back in. Squire likes the look of her.
SQUIRE
(to Lucy)
Hi we haven’t met. I’m Squire.
Lucy looks towards Nancy for guidance.
NANCY
Jesus Christ. Squire, this isn’t date night.
It’s now time for them to take food out the restaurant on a trolley- and of course the platter with a hidden microphone.
They cross the restaurant floor under the watchful eye of Aidan until they get to the mobster table.
Squire puts the platter/microphone in the center of the table. Nancy watches, alert to any possibility of danger.
Aidan watches from across the room.
Lucy watches as she pours wine from another table.
Nancy begins skilfully serving the fish – lifting it from a platter between a fork and spoon and gently placing it on the mobsters’ plates. They enjoy her physical proximity as she leans close to them. Until —
MOBSTER 3
(to Nancy)
No, not you. I want the boy to do it.
He nods towards Squire.
MOBSTER 3
It’s just a thing I have, no offence.
(to his mobster pals)
A superstition, it makes no sense. I want the kid to do it.
(to Nancy)
Is that a problem?
NANCY
No, of course not sir.

Nancy hands the cutlery utensils to Squire, who is suddenly full of nerves.
NANCY
(to Squire)
Please…serve the gentleman.
All eyes on Squire as he tries to lift the $100 fish between fork and spoon, and the fish splits in half.
Nancy glowers at Squire.
The Mobsters are not impressed.
Aidan whispers into his mobile phone –
AIDAN
Stand by, we may have a problem.
Squire tries to pick up one half of the fish with his spoon and fork — this now falls apart before it reaches the mobster’s plate.
MOBSTERS
OH!
Nancy is frozen.
Squire starts to scoop up the scraps of fish.
MOBSTER 3
Okay, that’s enough, that’s enough!
Squire doesn’t stop fast enough.
Mobster 3 sweeps the dishes and the platter off the table, leaps to his feet and whips out a gun from his shoulder holster.
MOBSTER 3
Okay asshole, who are you?
Smash — Lucy whacks Mobster 3 over the head with a bottle of wine, and he goes down. As the other Mobsters leap to their feet they are stopped by the sudden appearance of the armed FBI agents, guns trained on them.
Nancy whips out her FBI badge from her back pocket.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Chris,

Another great scene. The situation, scene arc, and essence all came through loud and clear.
Nancy’s traits of confrontational and stubbornness were strong. “Scheming”, fits her job description. Perhaps a little more could be done with her “caring”?
Squire was very easy to see. Describing him as “30, but looks 21,” created a great visual image for me that helped secure his traits. All his traits were present.
You also did a great job of building ‘dread’ as the scene goes on. You just know Squire is going to screw things up.
Good use of Predictions, Anticipatory Dialogue, Creating a Future, and Uncomfortable Moment. I think your “Something Unseen” and “Mystery” had something to do with “Philly.”
Perhaps a hook or a cliffhanger could make the scene stronger… as everything unfolds as anticipated. I guess I was a little surprised that they revealed themselves as FBI right away – but I guess, at this point, they had no choice (Dilemma).

[Christopher Fallon]

Hi Deborah, thanks for your generous feedback. I enjoyed your scene.
Nancy’s caring and confrontational traits come across well, in her words and actions. You show her stubbornness in her refusal to let go of the painting.

Her scheming nature is revealed by suggesting she was also aiming to keep the painting for herself — boy! neither of those two can be trusted!

Squire’s happy-go-lucky nature, his selfishness and evasiveness are all nicely done — when Nancy sees the painting in his car, he barely blinks, and doesn’t even make an excuse for taking it. He thought it would look good in his man cave, so that’s good enough reason for him. His seductiveness is on full display — though I’m not sure many people would fall for it!

I liked your use of the storm warnings as “something hidden”. I didn’t feel the “dilemma” came across, perhaps because Nancy was telling us there was a dilemma, when I couldn’t really discern one.
Good work!

[Blair Marino]

This is my rewrite of the Lesson 14 scene:

INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS BRIEFING ROOM – MORNING

The briefing room is stuffy and filled with way too many florescent lights. POLICE CHIEF RYAN displays his large physique and salt-n-pepper hair as he finishes up the first shift briefing.

POLICE CHIEF RYAN
And lastly, OFFICERS NANCY and SQUIRE are assigned to mobile patrol on the Northeast beat.

Thirty-something Officer Nancy glances across the room at the handsome Officer Squire, who catches her gaze.

POLICE CHIEF RYAN
Thank you and stay safe out there.

The twenty-plus officers stand up and shuffle out of the room. Officer Squire makes his way over to Officer Nancy.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Did you have something to do with this assignment, Nancy?

OFFICER NANCY
Me? Now why would you ask that? Today is just your lucky day.

OFFICER SQUIRE
We'll see how lucky this day will be.

OFFICER NANCY
(smirking)
Is that a promise?

They both stride over to the exit door.

EXT. POLICE PARKING LOT – LATER

Officer Nancy makes a bee-line to the driver's side of the squad car. She opens the door. Officer Squire walks to the passenger side and balks.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Why do you assume that you will be driving?

Officer Nancy looks over the car roof at Officer Squire.

OFFICER NANCY
Because I'm always the driver.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Seriously?

OFFICER NANCY
Yep.

Officer Nancy enters the car. Officer Squire scoffs. He opens the passenger door and sits.

INT. POLICE PATROL CAR – CONTINUOUS

OFFICER SQUIRE
I really don't think it's fair that I can't drive.

OFFICER NANCY
I've seen you drive.

Officer Nancy starts the car and backs up. Officer Squire shakes his head.

INT. POLICE PATROL CAR – LATER

Officer Nancy grins as she and Officer Squire continue with their light banter.

OFFICER SQUIRE
So, what if I bought you lunch today? Can I drive then?

OFFICER NANCY
Is that a bribe?

OFFICER SQUIRE
No, just an invitation.

Officer Nancy quickly looks over at Officer Squire.

OFFICER NANCY
We'll see.

Officer Squire grins.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Do you mind if we make a quick stop by my bank before we go to lunch? It's right down the street.

OFFICER NANCY
Yeah, sure.

EXT. BANK PARKING LOT – LATER

Officer Nancy parks and Officer Squire get out of the patrol car.

OFFICER SQUIRE
I just need to use the ATM. I won't be long.

He walks to the front bank entrance and goes inside.

INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

Officer Squire waits in line at the ATM.

EXT. BANK PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

Three armed robbers with masks over their faces enter the bank from a side entrance.

INT. BANK LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

The three masked robbers barge into the lobby. MASKED WOMAN raises her gun in the air. There are audible gasps.

MASKED WOMAN
Okay everyone, listen to me very carefully. I want you all to put your cell phones into the box that my friend here has.

Masked Woman points to the MASKED MAN #1, who then directs everyone to put their phones into the box they're holding.

MASKED WOMAN
Once you put your phone into the box, you are to lay face down on the floor.

Masked Man #1 continues around the room collecting phones. MASKED MAN #2 directs the people to lay down. Officer Squire quickly hides his backup gun behind the large column to his side. Masked man #1 notices Officer Squire.

MASKED MAN #1
Oh shit! We have a boy in blue over here!

Officer Squire takes in a deep breath. Masked woman walks over and points her gun at Officer Squire.

MASKED WOMAN
You're not going to create problems for us, are you Mr. Boy in Blue?

OFFICER SQUIRE
Now why would I do that?

MASKED WOMAN
Hand over your gun.

Officer Squire takes his primary gun out of the holster and hands it to the Masked Woman.

INT. POLICE PATROL CAR – MOMENTS LATER

Officer Nancy sits waiting in the car.

DISPATCHER
Attention all units, we have a 10-30 at 3659 Main Street. Silent alarm was triggered and suspects are armed and considered dangerous. Please proceed with caution.

Officer Nancy looks at the numbers on the building and picks up the radio microphone.

OFFICER NANCY
10-4 Dispatch. I'm at 3659 Main Street. We also have a 10-13.

DISPATCHER
Please wait for back up. ETA five minutes.

OFFICER NANCY
(to herself)
We probably don't have five minutes.

Officer Nancy gets out of the car with gun in hand. She sprints to the side of the bank and finds another entrance.

INT. BANK LOBBY – LATER

Officer Squire is laying on the ground by the column with the hidden gun. Masked Woman stands guard in the lobby.

MASKED WOMAN
We'll be out of your hair in a minute folks.

Officer Squire sees Officer Nancy quietly enter through the side door.

OFFICER SQUIRE
(to Masked Woman)
Your voice sounds very familiar. Didn't we date once?

Masked Woman turns towards Officer Squire.

MASKED WOMAN
You're funny. I don't like funny.

Masked Man #1 and #2 walk into the lobby with large bags of money in hand. Officer Nancy sizes up the lobby and the bank robbers. She steps out from hiding and points her gun at Masked Man #1 and #2.

OFFICER NANCY
Freeze!

The two Masked Men turn around to face Officer Nancy. The Masked Woman draws her gun on Officer Nancy.

MASKED WOMAN
Not so fast.

Officer Squire jumps up and grabs his backup gun. The Masked Woman hears Officer Squire and shoots him in the leg.

OFFICER SQUIRE
AHHHH!

Officer Squire lands on the floor. Officer Nancy shoots and misses the Masked Woman. Masked Man #2 grabs a line divider pole and knocks down Officer Nancy. Officer Squire fires shots at the Masked Woman and hits her in the shoulder. Masked Man #2 grabs the Masked woman's other arm.

MASKED MAN #2
We gotta get out of here!

The three Masked Robbers escape out the side door leaving a trail of blood. Officer Nancy struggles to stand up and radios for an ambulance. She makes her way over to Office Squire.

OFFICER NANCY
Are you okay?

Officer Squire's hand covers his wound.

OFFICER SQUIRE
I don't know.

Police sirens are heard. Bank customers orient themselves.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Next time, aim for her leg.

OFFICER NANCY
You couldn't even aim for her leg.

OFFICER SQUIRE
That's because I was shot in the leg!

Officer Nancy looks around the lobby.

OFFICER NANCY
I don't know how far they will be able to get with that wound.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Blair,

Great work. The Anticipatory Dialogue makes us wonder about the relationship between Squire and Nancy. You give Nancy a Dilemma and Squire an Uncomfortable Moment. You end the scene with a Cliffhanger – making us wonder what will happen to bank robbers.

The situation – The banter at the beginning indicates a romantic relationship might be brewing. I don’t get a sense that they don’t trust each other.

The scene arc – they do make a mess of the situation – and bank robbers get away.

Nancy –
Confrontational – the way she charges into the bank without backup.
Stubborn – insists on driving
Scheming – I think she wants to date Squire?
Caring – Wants to make sure her partner is safe.

Squire –
Evasive – “Now why would I do that?”
Selfish – not sure
Happy-go-lucky – not sure
Seductive – Offers to buy Nancy lunch (subtext) also he asks the female bank robber if they ever dated.

[Blair Marino]

Thank you for the feedback. I see that I fell short with the situation. For Squire's trait of selfishness, I tried to convey that when he thought that he should have been able to drive the car. I tried to show Squire being happy go lucky when he tries to divert the Masked Woman's attention away by asking her if they know each other.