Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 6

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – Cycle 6 scene final draft

Logline – Marcus and Carley are partners in the San Diego Sheriff Department. After Marcus shoots and kills a suspect Carley is brought in for her statement.

Essence – Marcus asks Carley to lie before giving her statement and knows she will probably be transferred off the streets. But that’s his play. He wants her safe, off the streets, because he loves her.

INT. SAN DIEGO SHERIFF DEPT. – HALLWAY – DAY

DEPUTY CARLEY WELCH, is sitting outside a closed door. Looks miserable and guilty of something.
A few DEPUTIES move past her. Some gesture “Hi” but most just keep walking.

RANDY MORENO, a suit with a gun, opens the closed door and motions CARLEY inside.

MORENO
Let’s go.

She stands. DEPUTY MARCUS comes out of A ROOM behind Moreno. He is in a Sheriff's Uniform. Pulls her aside before she goes in.

MARCUS
Sorry to drag you through this.

CARLEY
It’s procedure. Don’t worry.

MARCUS
They’ll believe you. Tell ‘em what you saw.

He gets close to Carley’s ear.

MARCUS
You were the only uniform there.

CARLEY
You shot him. That’s why we’re here. It’s part of the process.

MARCUS
I had to protect us both. He pulled a knife…

CARLEY
What?…I want to help but…

MARCUS
Tell them that. He pulled a knife.

Moreno turns back to Marcus and Carley.

MORENO
Ready?

Marcus’s eyes pray to Carley. One last time to get it right.

MARCUS
He had a knife!

Carley backs away. Tries to make Moreno think it’s business.

CARLEY (LOUD)
Okay Deputy. I’ll get you the paperwork.

Leaves Marcus standing outside.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – CONTINUOUS

McNEIL, is sitting at a conference table with a silver MICROPHONE and a pile of yellow legal PADS.
CARLEY takes a chair. McNeil punches a button. Starts RECORDING.

MCNEIL
From the beginning.

CARLEY
I woke up and had a cup of coffee.

MCNEIL
You know what we’re talking about. What happened on River Avenue today?

MORENO
This report is going downtown. I’ve seen them pull people…they’ll take you off the streets if you play stupid.

MCNEIL
Just tell us your side. What happened?

Carley starts again.

CARLEY
There was an APB…211 suspect. White T-shirt and blue jeans moving east on River.

MCNEIL
And.

CARLEY
When we turned on River we saw a male fitting that description. Deputy Marcus pulled over. Tried to question him.

MCNEIL
Why didn’t you call a black and white?

CARLEY
I did.

MORENO
Then.

CARLEY
He wouldn’t listen to commands.

MORENO
Like what?

CARLEY
Like stop. He wouldn’t stop. He turned on Marcus. Then Marcus took him down.

MCNEIL
Anything else?

Long pause. They wait for a reply.

MCNEIL
Nothing.

CARLEY
No.

MCNEIL
Nothing to add.

CARLEY
I was on the radio.

MORENO
That’s it?

CARLEY
When I was in the car I saw a flash. It could have been a knife.

McNeil puts the microphone CLOSER to Vivian.

MCNEIL
A knife?

MORENO
Could have been?

CARLEY
It was. Definitely.

MCNEIL
Definitely what.

CARLEY
A knife. From where I was…it looked like a knife.

MORENO
How far were you?

CARLEY
20 feet.

MORENO
Anything else?

CARLEY
No.

MCNEIL
This is the time to get everything out there.

McNeil turns a page on his legal pad. READS from it.

MCNEIL
We have five witness’ gave statements and not one mentioned a knife.

MORENO
White t-shirt, blue jeans died. They didn’t find a knife.

MCNEIL
You want to change your statement?

Vivian shakes her head “No.”

MORENO
Anything else?

CARLEY
Thank you for the time.

McNeill and Moreno look at their notes. Then at each other. Then at Carley.

MCNEIL
You’re excused.

Carley exits.

INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

MARCUS is waiting. She walks with him for a few feet. He tugs Carley INSIDE another room.

INT. SMALL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

MARCUS
Did you tell them?

CARLEY
Get away from me.

MARCUS
I’m sorry to do this…but what did you say? This was the time to do it. Not later.

She stands close to him.

CARLEY
Partners don’t lie. Especially to each other.

MARCUS
It’s too dangerous. I have a chance, I‘m taking it.

CARLEY
I can’t be around you right now.

Marcus pulls her in.

MARCUS
You’ll be transferred. Once they see the tapes. This was the best way.

CARLEY
Why?

MARCUS
For being a cop you sure can’t read people. It’s here. Right here.

CARLEY
I’ll be off the streets. Is that what you want from me?

MARCUS
And safe. I couldn’t take it anymore. Too many close calls.

Carley starting to sense a confession.

CARLEY
You have to say it. I won’t.

Marcus kisses her.

MARCUS
I can’t protect you out there. I did it for us.

CARLEY
Next time…

MARCUS
Shut up and kiss me.

She kisses him back.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Diane Keranen]

Nice job on the traits and the dialogue interest techniques. I like the direction changes of the drama and the way the two characters play off of each other.

[Diane Keranen]

LOGLINE: Insomniacs Carley and Marcus are passengers on a chartered, destination wedding yacht when a storm threatens to crash the boat onto a rocky shore before the passengers can get to the lifeboats.

ESSENCE: Carley and Marcus come face to face with their own valuation of a life worth living.

SCENE:

EXT. YACHT – NIGHT

CARLEY, 30s, attractive, still dressed in her bridesmaid’s dress stands at the bow of the fifty-foot yacht. She holds an assortment of opened cards and an open envelope and looks at the cash inside.

CARLEY
That, my dear friends, is what comes of a destination wedding. You knew I couldn’t afford to be here.

She throws the cards out over the water.

The wind is picking up and she watches the waved carry away the cards.

MARCUS, 30s, walks out onto the deck and notices Carly. He’s dressed in his host suit. He takes a deep drag from his vape.

Carley notices him and tucks the envelope with the money into the folds of her skirt effectively hiding it from Marcus.

MARCUS
What was that?

CARLEY
Hmmm?

MARCUS
Did you just toss something over the rail?

Carley looks out over the water. But then pulls out the envelope.

CARLEY
You mean this? Just an envelope.

MARCUS
You should get to your cabin. The winds are kicking up and you’re and the waves are likely to get your dress wet if they blow up over the bow. Wouldn’t want to see it get ruined.

CARLEY
I’m not worried about the dress. It’s all I brought. I won’t be wearing it again anyway. I’m only wearing for my friend’s wedding.

MARCUS
Fair enough. You could sell it.

CARLEY
I guess. That would be an option. I think the storm is coming this way. Maybe you should get the captain.

MARCUS
Storms do that. Before we know it, it’ll have us swirling in circles in a dance of waves and stars.

Carley looks at him with concern.

MARCUS
Oh, I’m sorry. I guess when you spend a lot of time on the water, the images that go through your head seem outlandish to landlubbers.

CARLEY
Landlubbers?

She laughs.

MARCUS
Looks like you’re right though. That lightening is close.

They hear an awful scraping sound and the yacht jolts them nearlo off their feet. Marcus holds his walkie up and talks into it.

Marcus and Carley turn to see huge rocks jutting out of the water when lightening streaks across the sky.

MARCUS
Captain? Get up here on deck. You need to see this. We’re grounding.

The lights in the bridge come on and bells and horns blow loudly. The captain comes on the loudspeaker and commands all on board to head for the lifeboats.

CARLEY
What makes you think I’m a landlubber? Who even uses that word these days.

MARCUS
(smiling)
That. What you said there tells me you are most assuredly a landlubber. Seafarers use it regularly on these chart….

The yacht suddenly jolts them both off of their feet. Just then, heavy rain pours down and the wind whips the rain in sheets all around them as the yacht jolts and shifts as the waves crash it into underwater rocks.

Both Carley and Marcus help passengers into the lifeboats as the captain accounts for everyone.

When it’s just the captain, Carley and Marcus remaining on the yacht, the captain orders them into the last lifeboat.

MARCUS
(to Carley)
You first.

CARLEY
No. You. I have hold of the release lever, then you can help me in.

MARCUS
You can’t hold it. The wind is too strong. Get in.

The yacht lurches and spins in the weather.

CAPTAIN
Both of you get in. I’ll release it as soon as you’re both on board.

CARLEY
After you.

She grips the release lever tightly with her hands. She uses her skirt to protect her hands from the harsh steel of the lever. The envelope falls onto the deck. She reaches down for it.

MARCUS
I’m sorry, miss, you have to leave it.

Carley reaches down, she’s managed to step on the envelope, and picks it up. She nearly topples overboard.

MARCUS
I can’t get into the lifeboat until you’re on board.

The two face off. Wind whipping around them. Rain soaking them through and through.

CAPTAIN
Get into the boat. That’s an order, Marcus. And, miss, we’ve got to get off this yacht. She’s listing too far.

MARCUS
Come on.

He peels Carley’s hands from the release lever.

CARLEY
AAAhhhhh! you’re hurting my hand.

MARCUS
Well, let go! Just get in the damn lifeboat already. Here, I’ll take the lever and you get in the boat.

CARLEY
You go. I’ve already got this. And your captain ordered you to get in there.

The captain, aside from the danger, is amused by their battle.

MARCUS
Fine. For goodness sake, let’s go together.

The captain shoves into their fight for it and takes the release lever into his grasp.

Marcus and Carley both climb into the lifeboat at the same time.

The captain releases the craft and both Carley and Marcus reach out hands to pull the captain on board. Once on board, they close the cover of the lifeboat and the captain takes the controls.

Carley and Marcus continue to fuss.

MARCUS
What was that all about. You have some sort of hero complex or a death wish. Which is it?

CARLEY
Neither.

She quiets down.

CARLEY
It’s just… It’s just that I like the excitement of it all. The storm, the rain, the wind. It’s so much more exciting than my ordinary office job. And I was hoping to …

MARCUS
To? To what?

CARLEY
Oh. It doesn’t matter now.

MARCUS
So you like this sort of thing. You’re not worried about sinking into the ocean.

She laughs.

CARLEY
I most certainly am not. But that’s a story for another time.

MARCUS
You cold? Here’s a blanket.

The captain glances at them. Shakes his head at their antics.

CARLEY
A blanket would be nice. This dress is heavy now that it’s soaked. Thank you.

MARCUS
I’m sorry you dropped your… your… what did you say it was?

CARLEY
It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.

She takes the blanket from Marcus. They touch hands. This whole fight for seeing the other onto the lifeboat first has awaken in them an affection for each other. They back-and-forthed so easily with each other.

Marcus unfold the blanket and pulls it up to cover Carley and warm her up. When he gets close to her, she leans toward him and pauses. He looks in her eyes.

They recognize they have chemistry. They both lean close and kiss.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Diane – I loved the setting and the situation. It was a very difficult assignment for me. You had a lot things in place. A lot of themes connected to love and danger. Great design. You could go crazy trying to use some of them or all of them. There is a famous Shakespeare scene where he turns a funeral into a wedding. He takes the widow and changes her from hating the man who killed her husband to loving him. It has been used to demonstrate the slight of hand magic of Shakespeare’s skills. This area has always been difficult for me because it feels like we are losing reality and stepping into manipulation. It is extremely difficult to not make it feel contrived. Good luck and let’s keep breaking hearts.