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Final & Revised Query Letters
After our one-on-one call, please post your revised query letter here.
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7 Replies
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Cheryl, THANK YOU! so much for the helpful conversation. Thanks for answering all of my questions, and for your guidance. All good wishes to you and Hal and thanks for the wonderful class. June
Here’s my revised QUERY for email.
Subject line: Romance for Boomers Now that’s RETIREMENT!
Dear Romance Producer,
The food in jail SUCKS. Who knew? Not Roy, oh boy.
When Super Mooch Roy, 60s, gets kicked out of his girl’s apartment, and his plan to retire free in jail (free room and board!) gets him beaten nearly to death, his trampled body lands in the hospital. Well, OK! Because the food there is gerrrr-ate! and the nurses… Hoochie Mama!
This Viet Nam Vet did not expect to meet his twin-spirit, Kim, 60s, another! super mooch there.
It’s lightning in a bottle when the two combine and suddenly, Roy wants to take care of her, instead of the other way around. They do crazy things together and ignite the skies. If only she’d stop running.
Together they must learn to conquer their demons: her thieving brother and his deep despair. They find the ways to trust and to give in to love.
If you like romance, and a story aimed for the boomer generation, then I’d love to send you screenplay, RETIREMENT.
Cheers! June Fortunato
BIO
My film, Adele’s Way, broadcast on PBS, and my audio dramas broadcast on NPR. My Living Film was recognized in American Theatre Magazine. I also taught Writing for TV for Arcadia U. You can find me on IMDB, LINKED-IN, and Vimeo.
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Six months… what a journey! This might be the end of an era, but it is not the end of the story. Thanks to Hal and Cheryl for putting this amazing program together. Cannot find anything close to this even in universities. Thanks everyone for walking the road with me, I learned a lot from each of you.
Here is my best try of a query letter as of today:
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Subject line: She fights the way she dances… in the MMA cage
Dear Film Producer,
There is a time when people MUST put their life on the line. For Parisa, that time is NOW… she must fight on an MMA scaffold 100 feet above the ground!
Parisa is a dancer, a cheerleader who blames herself for the death of her sister. She cannot afford to lose another loved one. Now the strange disappearance of her boyfriend catapults her into the world of underground fighting to rescue him.
But wait! She’s not an MMA fighter; she’s a dancer! So she needs to learn… FAST!
Not quite convinced that “you fight the way you dance,” she still tries the lessons of some mysterious latin and salsa instructors who, surprisingly, help her grasp Chinese wrestling and Brazil Capoeira. Now her battle cry “To courage!” resonates with passion in the underground MMA cage.
She outsmarts her opponents. She’s able to turn a t-shirt or the desert sand into lethal weapons. But in the end… will she be able to overcome her fear of heights?
If you like the concept of GIRL IN THE FIGHTING CAGE, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Bio: Antonio Flores is the first non-Chinese Wushu (Martial Arts) coach graduated from a Chinese university in 1991. Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing, China for more than 20 years.
Regards,
Antonio Flores
email: flores_antonio@hotmail.com
phone: XXX-XXXX-XXX
twitter: ‘@trigrama’
address: XXX. XXXXX. Beijing, China
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Thank you Hal and Cheryl for putting this program together! Thank you to all of my classmates! You’ve all made me a better writer, and I can’t wait to see your stories on the big screen!
Best regards!
Cam
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Subject Line: Action-Horror Script: OPEN WIDE
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Hey [Producer]!
“Tell me how to keep you alive, and I’ll get those things out of you.”
After a year of barely speaking to his son, Sully is forced to be alone with him when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasitic worms that killed his wife — And he watches the bunker doors shut them both out! Lucky for Sully, his Asperger’s son is obsessed with the worms and can help him find another way into the bunker.
Unlucky for him, the bunker is full of the infected, and Sully just released them!
Between a horde of ravenous colonists and the alien worms trying to infect who’s left, Sully must trust his developmentally challenged son to be his guide and save them both. Especially when his son gets infected to be a brood-mother for dozens of alien worms.
Would you place your trust in your kid when he’s dying to eat you?
If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script, titled OPEN WIDE.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam Ross Martin
BIO: In addition to winning the 2016 Hoboken International Film Festival’s award for Best Unproduced Screenplay, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.
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Thanks to my classmates for the invaluable feedback and support. Many thanks to Hal and Cheryl for the guidance and knowledge. Looking forward to the WIM2 class.
Lisa
Subject Line: Holiday Genre: MARY’S WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS
Greetings producer,
“Santa Claus was kidnapped! Where’d you say your mother is?!”
Without snow, hard times have hit the “It’s a Wonderful Life” festival town. Mary, former military who once guarded Santa Claus for NORAD is holding him for ransom to save her shop from foreclosure.
As the Santa Seal Team closes in on Mary, she fears she’s exploiting Christmas to masquerade her actions.
Disguised as Santa, Mary moves to the ransom drop-off mixing with the crowds running in the festival Santa 5k. But Mary doesn’t know that some of the Santa Seal Team agents are also dressed as Santa. Through all the obstacles, the real Santa Claus tries to guide Mary back to the real meaning of Christmas.
Can Mary get the Christmas miracle she needs to undo the kidnapping and save her business or will she lose it all on Christmas Day!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”.
All the best,
Lisa Long
(Contact information)
BIO: Graduate of NYU Film, I have sold one full-length feature.
By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!
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This class was a real growth experience for me. Thank you to Hal, Cheryl, and all of my fellow writers who took this journey with me. Here’s to everyone’s success! ONWARD!
Revised Query Letter Below:
SUBJECT LINE: Psychological / Courtroom Drama, LIFE CHOICES, is ripped from today’s headlines
Hello Film Producer,
Unable to access an abortion a woman abandons her newborn at a ‘Safe Haven’.
Lawyer Danica has an affair with married boss Cyrus. He helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Religious convictions prevent her from having an abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and becomes a fierce choice advocate.
Daughter Harley grows into a brilliant but psychologically damaged young woman.
Danica’s assigned to argue for women’s rights–in front of Cyrus(!) – now a powerful Circuit Court Judge.
Danica’s doctor tells her she needs a kidney transplant-NOW-so Danica searches out Harley hoping she’ll be an organ donor.
Harley agrees to meet her estranged mother, but with ulterior motives – orchestrating a vengeful hit and run to kill Cyrus, for his kidney, to save Danica. Danica awakens in the hospital with a new kidney and Harley at her side. TWIST: Cyrus, only injured, shows up and explains that he was the one who arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list, thwarting Harley’s twisted plans.
BIO: I am an optioned screenwriter who has experience working with producers. I have written 8 feature film screenplays, 2 of which have won Finalist and Best Screenplay in 3 festivals. My stories span various genres but all have strong female leads. My credits can be found on IMDB. As a mother of three daughters, who has also experienced two miscarriages, I (like millions of women) feel passionately about the topic of reproductive rights.
If this story resonates with you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Pitch Deck available upon request.
CONTACT: nomdeplume58@yahoo.com // 541-441-4275
Very Best Regards,
Anita Gomez
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Hi everyone
I’ve been lost in the world of live theatre and am happy to be back, posting for Iast time. Tak you Hal and Cheryl for making this available – the journey and education, and all of you for your courage, writing and support. I hope some of us stay in touch. Please feel free to email me! Cheers and BEST to all.
Final Draft Letter ( for now)
Dear Film Producer,
A young actress stumbles onto her long-lost father and into a sting operation against him.
After the death of her mother (Amahla), 7year-old Nia, abandoned by her father (Darrogh), has built an idealized image of him. When her touring theatre troupe rolls into his community, Nia discovers dreams and reality don’t match.
Befriended by the fiery Luciana, who leads the opposition to her father, Nia’s long suppressed memories crowd in.
The past triangular relationship of Luciana, Amahla and Darrogh fuel the war today as he buys up land for the worlds’ largest landfill. Nia believes the love between father and daughter can save them all.
Caught between a relationship with her narcissistic father or saving the community from him, Nia unearths the truth.
If ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ sounds interesting to you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Kate Hawkes
Kate’s screenplays and stories have placed in contests including 2nd round of Austin and 1/4 finalist in the San Francisco International Screenwriting Competition, Portland Screenplay Awards, ScreenCraft Stage Play Writing Competition and ScreenCraft Cinematic Short Story Writing Competition.
503-351-3331
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Dear Mr such and such
I’ve got your information at…
-What is your address?
-Quiet Street! Small House!
At Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth Count, in order to make death more peaceful, society has developed nano-death, where skull and body “separate” in geometric 3D grid.
PROFESSOR keeps human inside techno society, supported by his sensitive girlfriend KIAT. But, Kiat goes missing without a trace after weekend offshore.
Professor accidentally runs on ANAUPSH here and there, but has no clue she is behind missing cases. Inside her Incubator at Research Institute, she hides monster, composed from bodily parts of her victims.
When Anaupsh releases her monsters, they get destroyed by Helicopter Dispatch. JUDGE has no mistake at what monster his sister is, and plays his own game, Separating under impact.
After his vision, ZONES for outcastes are Created.
70 years later… LENA, born inside, Escapes Reservation. To find out she would never Survive traumatized experience of Zone. Neither her intelligent partner, who ends up Separating.
Zones continue, meanwhile bring qualified outside is an impossible task, as WARDS are prohibited to use weapon on civilians.
MIROPOLIS. SEPARATION is #1 of planned series of four full feature movie scripts.
Would you like to read first ten pages of it?
If you enjoy my writing and are about content ski-fi project, I would be happy to share my screenplay with you!
Sincerely,
Alice Eden
(617)309-0128
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