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Lesson 1
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13 Replies
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Jeffrey Alan Chase Has Tested Every Line!
My vision: I am an “A” list writer who is known for high concept ideas, great execution, a string of successful movies and is always ready to share his knowledge and do what he can to help another writer on the way up.
What I learned from doing this assignment is: Many pages in my early drafts had verbose descriptions. I try put everything that I can think of in the description. Then, I have developed my own “style” for re-writing sparse, powerful descriptions. I find that with the right verbs and nouns, I can say as much in 1 or 2 lines as I used to say in 4 or 5.
Title: Shards
Genre: Psychological Suspense Thriller
High Concept Logline: A young, pottery restoration expert with no memory of her childhood pieces together a dark past to discover her hypnotherapist’s ties to her father’s murder and a Conquistador treasure.
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The following scene is in the treasure cave near the climax when March confesses that he killed Sarah’s father. The new version is about 75% the length of the old version.
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ORIGINAL VERSION
INSERT COLOR FLASHBACK – MARCH REMEMBERS LOSING HIS HAND
INT. THE TREASURE CAVE – NIGHT
Tom lies in agony amidst Conquistador skeletons, the lance in his body moves with his every tortured breath.
Bear stands over Tom, GRUNTS, and heads to the cave opening.
TOM
Please…don’t hurt her.
Bear looks at Tom, LAUGHS, and exits to go after Sarah.
Tom’s eyes search the cave in desperation. He sees a LARGE SLAB of rock on a wall inside the cave entrance. Is it loose?
MARCH (V.O.)
I thought I’d find him dead after I threw you off the cliff, my dear.
Tom draws a deep breath, MOANS with pain and draws the bloody lance from his body. The handle CLANKS on the floor.
MARCH (V.O.) (CONT’D)
But he used a lance somehow…
Tom turns the lance end for end, PANTS, uses all his strength to inserts the point of the lance into a crack near the slab.
Tom stares heavenward, a prayer on his lips —
MARCH (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Don’t remember it all but…when I returned …
EXT. THE TREASURE CAVE – NIGHT
Bear appears with a crazed look and out of breath at the cave entrance. He crawls back inside — WHAM!
A muffled SCREAM from inside the cave. Bear’s body twists and his legs flail as he tries to back himself out of the cave.
INT. THE TREASURE CAVE – SAME TIME
Bear SCREAMS in agony, tries in vain to pull his crushed hand from under the thick, flat rock.
Dust starts to settle —
Tom watches with no joy on his face as his life seeps out.
Bear raises his head above the flat rock. He GRUNT-SCREAMS.
BEAR
Unghsh! HelmUGG!
TOM
Sorry, kinda busy right now.
Tom GROANS in agony, draws a heavy breath.
TOM (CONT’D)
Wonder which of us will die first.
Bear’s eyes flare wide with terror. He GRUNT-SCREAMS —
MARCH (V.O.)
Don’t know how long I lay there. Tom’s eyes open…just staring at me. I realized there was one option if I wanted to live.
BACK TO SCENE
Sarah stares daggers at March —
SARAH
You had to cut your own fucking hand off.
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INSERT COLOR FLASHBACK – MARCH REMEMBERS LOSING HIS HAND
INT. THE TREASURE CAVE – NIGHT
Tom lies in agony, impaled by the lance.
Bear GRUNTS with satisfaction, stalks to the cave opening.
TOM
Please…don’t hurt…her.
Bear grunts a raspy LAUGH at Tom, crawls out of the cave.
Tom looks around the cave in desperation, spies a LARGE SLAB of rock on the wall just inside the cave entrance.
MARCH (V.O.)
I thought I’d find Tom dead after I threw your sorry ass off the cliff.
Tom SCREAMS as he draws the bloody lance out of his body.
MARCH (V.O.) (CONT’D)
But he used a lance somehow…
Tom GASPS, turns the lance end for end, uses his last bit of strength to jab the iron point into a crack near the slab.
MARCH (V.O.) (CONT’D)
And, when I returned…
EXT./INT. THE TREASURE CAVE – NIGHT
Bear runs back to the cave, out of breath. He crawls in.
Inside the cave, Tom GROANS and thrusts the lance sideways.
The rock slab loosens — and falls — WHAM.
Outside the cave, Bear SHRIEKS in distress. His body twists, legs flail. He can’t go forward. He can’t back out.
Inside the cave, Bear peers over the rock, GRUNTS at Tom.
BEAR
Unghsh! Helm UGG!
TOM
Sorry. Kinda busy right now.
Tom lays his head back onto the cave wall, stares at Bear.
MARCH (V.O.)
Don’t know how long we lay there. His eyes…just staring at me. I realized there was only one option.
BACK TO SCENE
Sarah’s eyes blaze with cynical satisfaction.
SARAH
You had to cut your own hand off.
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Andrew Kelm Has Tested Every Line!
Vision: I am going to do whatever it takes to be a great writer of TV and movies who is sought after by people I respect within the industry and has multiple successful TV series produced.
What I learned doing this assignment is… I don’t think I made any huge changes but I made little nips and tucks throughout. There are still some places where I don’t love what’s there, but I can’t think of anything better for the time being.
FATEMONGERS; a psychic with a blind spot for abusive men uses subtle manipulations to murder a sexual predator who seduces her to get to her sons.
Old:
Daphne looks at the ligature marks on her wrists;
Goes to the closet to pick a shirt to wear;
Picks one with long, loose sleeves and puts it on;
Studies herself in the mirror, moving her hands to see if the sleeves cover the marks;
Lifts her hands in the air and the sleeves fall to her elbows;
Shakes them back down over her wrists.
New:
Daphne ponders the ligature marks on her wrists;
Picks out a blouse with long, loose sleeves and puts it on;
Checks in the mirror to see if the sleeves cover the marks;
Lifts her hands so the sleeves fall to her elbows;
Shakes them back down over her wrists.
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Rebecca Has Tested Every Line!
What I learned doing this assignment is that because of my experience in Binge Worthy and Action classes, I’m more efficient in weeding out redundant and useless lines. As I tested each line in my present version, I still found sentences or words to eliminate. This allowed white space instead of long blocks of text. All the small changes added up to three pages, and my script pared from 124 to120 pages plus a few lines.
Yes, I can see improvement in my script and it now reads faster.
Before: Ludie walks through coop searching for an old hen. She selects one, grabs it by the feet, and loops twine it around the legs. She hangs it upside down, wraps the twine and stick around a bar setting between two trees. The chicken flaps and squawks. Reisa’s eyes go wide with fear and sympathy for the bird.
After: Ludie searches the chickens, grabs an old hen, loops twine around its legs, and hangs it upside down. The chicken flaps and squawks. Reisa looks away.
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Tom Has Tested Every Line!
Doing this assignment, I learned when it comes to dialogue, less is always more.
The biggest changes were made when I improved this scene:
Before:Sara answers her cellphone. Thrilled Matt called.
SARA
Hello, Matt!MATT
He’s on his way over.
SARA
Not again! Did you tell him we’re seeing each other.
MATT
He’d just transfer me to Timbuktu.
SARA
What’s that?
MATT
Just an expression. I have to grin and bear it.
SARA
That’s not as easy for me.
MATT
Gotta go.
Call ends. Sara pockets her phone.
After:
Sara answers her cellphone. Thrilled Matt called her.
MATT
He’s on his way over.
SARA
You didn’t tell him about us.
MATT
He’d transfer me. Gotta go.
Call ends.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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WIM MODULE 9 LESSON 1 21423
ROBERT SMITH HAS TESTED EVERY LINE.
ONE SENTENCE VISION FOR SUCCESS FROM THIS PROGRAM.
I am a great writer who delivers entertaining, informative, and uplifting scripts that sell and get produced.
WHAT I LEARNED DOING THIS ASSIGNMENT IS …?
I learned the major questions and actions to take that lead to brevity.
REVIEW OF PROJECT
CONCEPT: The soul of a slain Cosa Nostra mobster (Lou Tasca) cannot get into the World to
Come because of his life of crime. His only hope to redeem himself is to do an act of nearly impossible supreme good, namely, persuade the wiseguy who killed him (Carlo Vizzini) to quit the mob, trash his oath of silence about mob activity, surrender to the FBI. and enter the Witness Protection Program.
TITLE: “ANGELS IN GANGLAND”
GENRE: GANGSTER-COMEDY
5. The difference this makes:
Broad brush with focus and brevity.
6. BEFORE AND AFTER:
BEFORE:
22. INT. CARLO VIZZINI’S UPSCALE MANHATTAN APARTMENT – NIGHT
The round pedestal dessert table has been cleared and is now moved to CS. A solitary unlit candle stands at the center of the table. Still posted above the door is the banner “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLO.”
SFX: CRACK OF THUNDER AND FLASH OF LIGHTNING.
Seated around the table in ladderback chairs are CARLO, SHERRIE, and ZOEY. The fourth ladderback chair has been removed from sight. CARLO is drinking Turkish Coffee from an appropriately small espresso-type cup. He drinks and puts the cup down onto its saucer.
AFTER
22. INT. CARLO VIZZINI’S UPSCALE MANHATTAN APARTMENT – NIGHT
Still hanging above the door is the banner “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLO.”
The round pedestal dessert table is now at the center of the living room with a solitary unlit candle at center-table.
SFX: CRACK OF THUNDER AND FLASH OF LIGHTNING.
Seated around the table are Carlo, Sherrie, and Zoey.
Carlo drinks Turkish Coffee.
The difference this makes:
Broad brush with focus and brevity. Not as much verbiage. It’s clearer.
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Eclipse Neilson Has Tested Every Line!
I want to be a great award-winning writer, known for my genre, who creates the most beautiful films that inspire others to feel deeply, pause, and ponder ways to make the world a better place as I make happy money to continue my career.
THE NUN AND THE WITCH genre: Mystical Sci-fi
Concept: A dedicated nun destined to become a saint in this lifetime, bonds with her beloved soulmate – the village witch to help battle the evils of hatred consuming the heart of humanity, only to discover that time is running out and hell has permeated their village.
BEFORE
INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR – SAME DAY
Athena comes around the corner. Walks over to her locker. Opens the locker door puts her books away. Turns around. Teens have lined up on either side with raised hands making the sign of the cross.
SILENCE turn into low WHISPERS of mockery grow into HECKLES.
Seth jumps in front of her. Turns to the others.
SETH
Hey, maybe we should stop.
Athena shoves him aside. He trips and falls backward.
The other teens laugh at him. His face begins to morph into hatred.
SETH (CONT’D)
Fuck you! No witch is going to make a fool out of me!
He gets up and joins the crowd with crossed fingers.
SCOTT
She’s real bad. She made you look like a stupid love lost fool.
Scott laughs at him. Seth runs away down the hall yelling.
SETH
Burn bitch! Burn!
Athena walks slowly through the passage of mocking teens, head held high, looks ahead as she passes each student.
She is on the verge of tears. Picks up her pace. Gets to the door- Runs out the back metal door, which slams shut. BANG.
AFTER
INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR – SAME DAY
Athena comes around the corner to the empty hall of lockers. Walks over to hers, and opens it. Puts her books away. Turns around.
Teens have quietly lined up on either side with raised hands making the sign of the cross. Smirks on their faces.
Low WHISPERS of mockery, grows into HECKLES.
Seth jumps in front of her. Turns to the others.
SETH
Hey, maybe we should stop.
Athena head held high, shoves him aside. He trips and falls backward.
The other teens laugh at him. His face morphs into hatred.
SETH (CONT’D)
Fuck you! No witch is going to make a fool out of me!
He gets up and joins the crowd with crossed fingers.
SCOTT
She’s real bad. She made you look like a stupid love-lost fool.
Scott laughs at him. Seth runs away down the hall yelling.
SETH
Burn bitch! Burn!
Athena walks slowly through the passage of mocking teens. Stares ahead as she passes each student’s morphing face.
She is on the verge of tears. Picks up her pace. Gets to the door – Runs out. The metal door, slams shut. BANG.
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CJ’s Has tested every line!
Vision: I am a confident and empowered writer who embraces challenges and changes and writes produced highly sought-after projects with fresh and exciting ideas.
WIL: It is important to really re-read carefully as you can skip over lines without giving them great scrutiny – and I found was to shorted lines and removed some orphan lines.
Title: MEMORY HUNTERS
Concept:
In a future with technology to retrieve memories, a Memory Hunter, caught in the mind of a psychopath struggles to find a way out before he destroys her mind and kills her.
Assignment:
Great opportunity to really read lines and find ways to shorten and especially add clarity to what was needed for the scene.
Here’s one example:
Claire executes her own soccer moves with the FLOWERPOTS. She kicks the first pot into the air, followed by the second pot. Like slow motion, she leaps up, kicks the first pot into the face of the first guard.
New:
Claire executes a soccer move with the FLOWERPOTS. She kicks the first pot into the air, followed by the second pot. She leaps up, kicks the first pot into the face of a guard.
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Joe McGloin has Tested Every Line
Vision: I am a talented, highly regarded, efficient, relaxed, happy screenwriter
What I learned doing this assignment is my descriptions are far too detailed. It took me a week to pare it down. In the future I will be aware of this and simplify it right off the bat.
5. Tell us how much of a difference this made for your script.
Cutting out almost 3 pages makes for a cleaner, simpler, faster read
6. Give us the before-and-after on the scene where you made the biggest changes.
INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY
JANE PRESDEN, 30’s, modestly dressed, with the confident stride of a political revolutionary. She swings open the door, delivers a cool, distant
JANE
Morning
to office mates. She weaves through “Sam Sardoni, House of Delegates” placards, a printer spewing data bases, past knots of political types in tense conversations and white boards with last week’s priority list.
KIT, 40’s, office manager and headquarters glue, spots Jane heading for her office and double-times to head her off at the pass, armed with a stack of reports. Steps in her path. Jane screeches to a halt. As she hands over the pile
KIT
Last week’s polls. Dems at forty-three percent and rising. Indies holding at forty. We have a chance.
Jane juggles the load as she passes the office of FISH, 50’s, veteran of local political wars and not above bending any law to fit his agenda.
He pops his head out.
FISH
JANE!
She makes a sharp left to face him. He points to her polls.
FISH
Sam wants to know how he’s doing. Bring him up to speed.
Opening the top report on the stack.
JANE
Ten minutes to get settled.
AFTER:
_INT. STATE POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS – DAY_
_”Sam Sardoni, House of Delegates” placards line the cubicled hall. Everyone’s nose to the grindstone. A printer spews data bases. _
_JANE PRESDEN, 30’s, modestly dressed, skulks in with the minced steps of an invisible wanna be. The door banging behind her announces her entry. She blushes, delivers a cool, distant_
_JANE_
_Morning _
_to office mates who couldn’t care less._
_KIT, 20’s, office manager and headquarters glue, spots Jane heading for her office and double-times to head her off at the pass. _
_Jane screeches to a halt. Kit dumps a stack of reports on her. _
_KIT_
_Last week’s polls. Dems at forty-three percent and rising. Indies holding at forty. We have a chance._
_Jane juggles the load as she passes the office of _
_FISH, 50’s, veteran of local political wars and not above bending any law to fit his agenda, sticks his head out. Points to her armload._
_FISH_
_Sam wants to know how he’s doing. _
_JANE_
_Ten minutes to get settled?_
_FISH_
_Four. And don’t spill anything on it this time. And this time TAKE A BREATH MINT. _
_Kit follows Jane. _
_KIT_
_You ever wonder if we could do better than these guys?_
_Jane shakes her head._
_JANE_
_Don’t have to wonder. _
_KIT_
_Hey. I could use a wing woman at Rusty’s tonight._
_Her best shot at a twerk. _
_KIT_
_My treat. _
_Jane nods. Slips into her cubicle where the sign reads: Jane Presden, LPA Beneath that, “Lowly Political Aide.”_
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Farrin Rosenthal has Tested Every Line!
Farrin’s Vision: To do what it takes to become a highly paid A-List Hollywood writer whose produced movies will entertain audiences around the world.
What I learned doing this assignment is how important it is during the wordsmithing draft to test every line. The goal for this script and every script we write is to have a fast read.
Fast reads contain as few words as possible and flow down the page. They are not filled with dense lines of description.
Testing every line means we ask if every line is necessary. Would the reader miss the line if it was gone? Can we delete it and not affect anything? Is the line absolutely clear or is it confusing? If there is any doubt, fix it and make it clear. Can the line be made shorter? We are not writing a novel. A screenplay cuts to the chase, doesn’t waste space. Brief means fast and fast is good.
I’ve been over my script so many times at this point I almost have the entire thing memorized. I don’t have any huge examples of changes I made when I tested every line, but I did make changes that improved the script. At this point, I feel every word in the script is needed, clear, and concise. My script is 88 pages and a fast read!
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Jane Has Tested Every Line!
MY VISION: I will make my living as a screenwriter by selling my own narrative scripts and successfully fulfilling writing assignments.
By doing this assignment I was able to take 4 pages off the script! This assignment helped me locate a lot of scene direction that didn’t need to be there. I was also able to clarify some of the action to read a bit better and faster. This assignment helped the script a lot. I mad a number of changes, particularly at the end where Mattie tries to kill Percival. I reduced their interactions and it actually reflected Mattie’s character better than what I previously had.
Here’s one quick change I made that helps quite a bit for the opening scene.
Original Version
EXT. MARKET STOREROOM, MOROCCO
A FIGURE, swathed in silk harem pants and tunic crouches by a window. Scarves hide the face, revealing only the eyes. The eyes observe.
INT. MARKET STOREROOM, MOROCCO – DAY
Tied to a post, a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN recoils as one of two BAD GUYS reaches to touch her.
The lone window shatters. The Figure flies through the air and lands in front of the woman. Machete drawn, the Figure expertly slices through the ropes that bind the woman.
Wide-eyed, the bad guys run.
EXT. MOROCCAN MARKET
The two guys scramble through the market, the Figure moves like the wind behind them.
They turn down an alley. The figure lands cat-like in front of them, the machete millimeters from their throats.
The men’s eyes plead for mercy. The Figure doesn’t flinch as the scarf is pulled away to reveal the magnificent JUNE MARVEL. Her eyes dare the bad guys to speak. Guy One opens his mouth.
CABBIE (V.O.)
We’re ‘ere luv.
New Version
EXT. MARKET STOREROOM, MOROCCO
A FIGURE, swathed in a tunic, crouches by a window. Scarves hide the face, revealing only the eyes. The eyes observe.
INT. MARKET STOREROOM, MOROCCO – DAY
Tied to a post, a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN recoils as one of two BAD GUYS reaches to touch her.
The lone window shatters. The figure flies through the air and lands in front of the woman. Machete drawn, the figure slices through the ropes that bind the woman.
The bad guys run.
EXT. MOROCCAN MARKET
They scramble through the market. The figure moves like the wind behind them.
They turn down an alley. The figure lands in front of them, the machete millimeters from their throats.
Their eyes plead for mercy. The figure doesn’t flinch as she pulls the scarf away to reveal the magnificent JUNE MARVEL.
Her eyes dare the bad guys to speak. One does.
CABBIE (V.O.)
We’re ‘ere luv.
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I have decided to rewrite the script. It went off the outline. So I have decided to start completely over.
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I admire your willingness to go all the way back, Micki, though it sounds totally daunting. Maybe it’s not necessary to go all the way back. What if you treat it like a producer has asked you to make some major changes but otherwise likes your writing? Would you feel different about the task? And maybe he gives you a ridiculous timeline, but has already optioned your script. How would you handle the re-write? Best wishes with your story.
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Lori Lance Has Tested Every Line
What I learned from this lesson is to test every line and ask the questions, is it clear, necessary, and could it be made to read faster?
Going through the script, I saw some unnecessary repetitiveness and some instances where the description was unclear.
In my one example below, I have repeated the action of the waiter following Alex outside to the alley.
INT. RESTAURANT HALLWAY NEAR RESTROOMS – NIGHT
As Alex walks out of the restroom, she spots the Waiter Greg. She makes sure he sees her too, then she leads him out a side door into a dark alley.
EXT. ALLEYWAY OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT – CONTINUOUS
The Waiter, Greg, follows Alex outside into the alleyway.
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