-
Lesson 1
Reply to post your assignment.
-
15 Replies
-
LOGLINE: Single mother Victoria is caught in the middle of her ex-husband, Sheriff Mike who seems to killing off his kidnapping suspects while her new billionaire/defense attorney boyfriend appears to be the kidnapping ringleader. Her daughter disappears.
ACT I: Single mother, rooking crime reporter Victoria senses that her ex-husband, Sheriff Mike is killing off his kidnapping suspects by making is seem like a serial killer.
Her new billionaire boyfriend/defense attorney Bob is showing her a life she never dreamed.
A confrontation between ex-husband Sheriff Mike and boyfriend Bob reveals they are at extreme odds with each other. Bob shows Victoria he is the better man in all ways including behaving in front of Mike and Victoria’s daughter.
Victoria becomes convinced Bob is involved with the kidnapping ring. She suspects he may also be orchestrating the serial killings to destroy his competition and place the blame on Mike.
Victoria’s daughter disappears.
ACT II Bob charms Victoria into believing he is only trying to reveal the actions of the kidnapping ring.
We see Bob directly involved with the kidnappers as he is talking with her on the phone.
Victoria realizes she must manipulate both Mike and Bob and enlist some muscle from the Mexican Gangsters.
ACT 2 MIDPOINT Sheriff Mike is arrested for both the kidnapping ringleader as well as trying to kill off competition via serial killing.
Victoria is frantic as now her main source of saving her daughter is on the run without the sheriff offices’ resources.
Mike kills Bob’s right-hand man. Bob shoots Mike.
Bob announces he is running for District Attorney.
ACT III
The Mexican Gangsters save the children.
Victoria’s daughter is returned to her.
-
Nice job Michael coming from a beginner but looks good. I finished this assignment but mulling over it more….
-
-
What I learned doing this assignment was writing my logline using the logline template supplied made the process easier and produce a clear and short logline. Writing out the One Page is a challenge. I realized some story elements elevating conflict and character’s emotional journey are missing and have come up with some ideas on how to improve the story.
Please note my screenplay is an adaptation from the web series: “The Vatican is Studying Vampires at a Secret Research Facility,” written by Nathan Jun.
TITLE: THE VATICAN VARIANT
LOGLINE: A Jesuit Priest, specializing in virology, is summoned to a secret Vatican research facility where he finds his faith and science challenged by a diabolical virus causing vampirism, which if he does not cure will destroy the world.
ONE PAGE:
Deep under the Vatican lies a secret research facility that has been studying vampires for hundreds of years. What researches have learned is vampirism is caused by a virus, specifically the N1PH strain, who’s origin is undetermined and hotly debated.
The virus is either diabolical, or scientific in nature. Whatever it is, its mutations are causing concern at the highest levels of the Holy See. It is Holy Week. After gruesome accident at the last vaccine trial, a decision was made to summon, unsuspecting, Father Simon Merchant, of Georgetown University, a Jesuit Priest and an expert in virology to the Vatican for reasons unknown to him. Father Merchant is scheduled to testify for the position of NIH Director, a job, his amorous assistant, Olivia Norcross, insist he attend. Merchant accepts the Vatican’s mysterious invitation, considering it to be a higher calling.
At the Vatican, Father Merchant is met by Father Collini, and Father O’Hara, two priest who are at odds on every subject, including the nature of the vampire virus. Together the priests show Father Merchant the secret laboratory and introduce him to his first vampire leaving him understanbly shaken. After an interview with the vampire, Merchant decides he is tortured soul, one worth saving, and agrees to lead the vaccine trials. Their morality still undefined.
The new trial is a collsal failure. The vampire subject explodes in a torrent of gore and entrails, coating Merchant, Collini, and O’Hara. The evil spirit of the vampire is released, streaming through the lab, infecting the other human specimens.
An altercation with the freed vampires leads Merchant to be jabbed with his own vaccine, sending him into a drug induced comma where he mysteriously encounters an old saint, Ignatius Loyola. Whether he’s a figment, or a divine messenger, Merchant learns from his fellow Jesuit, what he must do to overcome his conflict between good and evil, for his faith is what will save or destroy him.
Meanwhile Collini and O’Hara are grilled by an incredulous Vatican committee over the vaccine’s failure. To keep the world safe, the Vatican, reinstalls the Order of Knights of the Sacred Heart, a top level Swiss Guard unit, to combat the vampires. Off on his own, we learn Father O’Hara has an agreement with the vampires to take over the church in return for their rise to power, only if O’Hara can deliver a vaccine that enables vampires to exist in sunlight. It is due by Easter Sunday, as the date set to overtake the Vatican and then the world. O’Hara arranges for the kidnapping of Olivia by the vampires. Except it is a double-cross and O’Hara meets his untimely death.
Motivated by Olivia’s abduction, Father Merchant stumbles upon the possible origin of the vaccine through Father Collins’s secret manuscripts. He determines if the host of the virus is destroyed then the remaining vampires will be cured of the the disease and their souls set free. To do so requires obtaining the Spear of Destiny, a.k.a the Lance of Longinus, who pierced Jesus’s side, determining his death. Do get to the spear, its existence a big, unanswered, question, means Merchant and Collini avoiding vampires and Vatican officials, all too suspicious of Merchant’s intentions.
Overcoming ravenous vampires, and sophisticated security measures, Merchant retrieves the The Spear. Using the blood DNA on the spear’s tip, Merchant concocts what he believes is the be-all of vaccinations, one of science and faith blended together. To get it to work, he and Collini must enter the Vampires’s nest, deep in an ancient pagan’s temple below the Vatican. In the temple resides, Yofiel, the leader of the vampires, from, him all other vampire blood lines flow. It won’t be easy, Yofiel is holding, Olivia, captive and uses her as a bargaining chip to ward off Merchant and trick him into his death.
Collini, exhibits his extraordinary skills as an exorcist, buying Merchant some time to get to Yofiel. In their fight against the vampires, Collini is killed, leaving Olivia to finish the exorcism, ironic, for Olivia the atheist. Together Olivia and Merchant administer the vaccine to Yofiel, where he returns to his human state, that of Longinus, the Roman Centurion, the implications of his infection scandalous, a transformation no one else would dare to believe.
With their secret intact, Father Merchant and Olivia are back at their Georgetown laboratory. Merchant peering down the electron microscope as he has done for years, except he is terrified at what lies under the glass. The N1PH virus is devouring the cell tissues making it way into a new, innocent bloodline.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Ed Lusk.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Ed Lusk.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by
-
<span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”> Dead Secret. Logline<span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>A wounded soldier in WWll discovers that his vicious commanding
officer has seduced his wife, fathered her baby and now intends to leave him behind
to die. In an act of wild justice the soldier takes revenge: he kills the officer.
After the war he turns the tables, stepping into the officer’s shoes, he marries
the officer’s widow and becomes rich. Convinced that what he did was justified,
he never reveals his secret. <o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>Dead Secret. One Page<o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>It is 2010. <o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>Matthew Ivory is in his late eighties. He is the
successful owner of a stud in eastern England. He is walking on his estate when
he meets Sean, a young man. Matthew takes one look at him and collapses in
shock. <o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>Flashback to 1939.<o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>We are in exactly the same location. We see a man who
is the spitting image of Sean in the previous scene. This is Tom Anthony, an
army officer, owner of the estate. Tom knows that Hilda, a pretty housemaid, is
engaged to the young Matthew (a gardener on the estate). Tom seduces Hilda.
Hilda dumps Matthew.<o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>War is declared. Tom, who wants an heir, discovers his
wife is pregnant. He forgets Hilda, he goes off to join his regiment. Matthew
joins up, in Tom’s regiment. Hilda comes to find Matthew, she agrees to marry
him. On their wedding night Hilda admits to Matthew that she is pregnant with
Tom’s baby. Matthew is devastated. He wants revenge.<o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>Tom and Matthew are in France when Tom hears that his
wife has lost her baby. Hilda dies in childbirth. Her baby is a boy. Matthew is
badly wounded. Waiting for rescue boats on Dunkirk beach Tom tells Matthew he intends
to take the baby boy- it is his son. When Matthew objects Tom says he will leave
Matthew to die. A bomb explodes nearby. Matthew and Tom are thrown into the
sea. Matthew manages to grab Tom. In the confusion Matthew holds Tom under: he
drowns Tom. <o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>Matthew survives and becomes an officer himself. After
the war he goes back to the estate which is now failing. Matthew turns it
around. It becomes a successful stud. Matthew falls in love with Tom’s widow.
They marry and have children.<o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>End of flashback. 2010<o:p></o:p><span style=”font-size:12.0pt;line-height:107%;font-family:
"Times New Roman",serif”>Matthew has recovered. Sean comes to see him. Matthew
braces himself. Sean tells Matthew he has been researching the past. He wants
money or part of the estate: it is his by right. Matthew thinks Sean has
somehow discovered he is Tom’s grandson and heir. Then Matthew realises that
Sean has found proof of his own marriage to Hilda: Sean believes that Matthew
is his grandfather. Matthew denies it. Sean threatens him, daring him to agree
to a DNA test. Matthew laughs. ‘Bring it on! You’ll find you’re no grandson of
mine.’ <o:p></o:p> -
Title: Moon On Earth
Format: Half-hour TV series
Logline: A teenage shaman seeks relics to bring his father back to life but must defeat five underworld monsters to get them.
A teenage shaman, Azul summons a god to ask him to bring his father back to life but the god is unable and unwillingly awakes Ahuizotl a monster from the underworld.
Azul suspects that Ahuizotl could bring his father back to life so he goes looking for him and offers him his life’s work, a video game he developed with his friends. But he finds a shapeshifter, Nawal, who tries to steal his soul. Trying to save himself, Azul accidentally splits his soul and one half enters his video game, making everyone present, but Nawal, to be absorbed by it.
In the video game, Nawal searches for Azul and in the meantime steals other mages souls. Ahuizotl lets her know Azul is in the video game and sends her in. Nawal searches for one half of Azul’s soul. Azul finds her and tries to stop her summoning a god warrior, Tochi, but fails and Nawal kills him.
Azul wakes up in the real world and Tochi visits him in his room. Tochi tells Azul he needs to save his people from Ahuizotl and for that they need the gods’ five relics. Azul plans to get the relics for himself and use them to bring his father back to life but Tochi won’t leave him alone.
Azul and Tochi find the first relic but its bearer uses to transform into a beast and fights them and seems unbeatable.
Azul realises that to defeat the real life monster they first need to beat its video game version. But he needs to give his friends an advantage to do that but since the game was corrupted by soul-splitting magic only that kind of power can alter it. And to create that kind of magic Azul must erase a core memory with his father.
Azul decides to give up the memory firmly believing that if he needs to do it to eventually bring his father back to life. He and Tochi defeat the monster and get the first relic.
-
REVIVAL <st1:stockticker>ROAD</st1:stockticker>
Horror / Fantasy
LOG <st1:stockticker>LINE</st1:stockticker>
A woman who refuses to accept she possesses the hidden dominant trait of a Norse goddess gets kidnapped by a Norse religious cult to be sacrificed. She discovers she must liberate the trait to escape and prevent the end of the world.
Susan Waythill Is told by an old woman, before she perishes to dust, that her grandmother is still alive in the secluded town of <st1:city><st1:place>Helen</st1:place></st1:city>. She needs to be saved and Susan is the only one that has the power do it. The only person she knows that has any knowledge of the town is her estranged father. She wants to forget about the whole thing, but is enticed by her deceased Mother’s apparition.
On her way she gets kidnapped and taken to the town of <st1:city><st1:place>Helen</st1:place></st1:city> where she meets and has a feeling she the evil leader Lord Lokan. She’s locked in a room at the <st1:place>Inn</st1:place>
Sam Masters, Susan’s love interest, finds out that Susan never made it to her fathers house. He and a friend Jumper discover at the house the secret her father, Professor Owen Waythill, knows about Susan. When Sam shows the three coins to him, his fears are realized. They meet up with the town’s Sheriff Justin Tyme Earlee who tells them that the woods that surround the Helen make it inaccessible. Sam finds the road to Helen opened and sets out on foot well armed. He gets off on a trail. Sheriff Earlee sees Sam’s truck at the entrance and drives in to stop him. His squad car gets destroyed by a giant wolf and the sheriff is eaten.
Karin Nygaard, Susan’s grandmother, is accused of subversion by Lord Lokan and put in the same room as Susan. Karin tells Susan of the attempted revival of an entity by Lord Lokan to begin a new world order and that Susan has to be sacrificed for it to happen. Lord Lokan goes to the room of the captives. During their conversation Susan suddenly realizes who Lord Lokan is. Time stops and Susan’s Mother tells her how to access the power within her. Lord Lokan confirms who he is and tells her that this time he will not be stopped.
Susan kills the guard and escapes, but is recaptured. She’s chained to a cave wall. Lord Lokan lifts the head of an old man also chained to the darkened wall and smiles. Its her dad!
Sam makes his way to the town. After a gunfight he meets Erik Nygaard, Karin’s husband. She has been taken to the sacrifice altar. One of the men he shot, Legion Ladnar, is still alive and Sam entices him to reveal where Susan was taken. Sam and Erik Get the Seidr testament from the chapel and rescue Susan and her Dad. Her dad scans the Seidr. They are captured without Erik by Lord Lokan’s men. All four are chained to the sacrifice altar. They are all doomed.
Erik attacks Lord Lokan, but is killed and is set sailing off the altar.
The clinking of the chains reminds Sam that he has the coins in his inner pants pocket. Owen retrieves them and uses their power to reverse their situation. Sam gets Karin off the altar. Owen points the coins at Susan and she is whirl winded into Arindis, the secret child of Odin. A woman with a bow, a golden quiver of fire arrows and wings. She defeats Lord Lokan and the serpent in the tree. The earth opens and swallows up all the structures. Karin rushes to find Erik. Arindis helps bring Erik back to life.
The huge wolf from the bridge appears at the top of the road from the town. It has bloody human body parts dripping from its Jowls. Owen recognizes the wolf is there for him. He opens the hand with the coins. He turns into Odin with a golden sword. The wolf attacks and they battle. The hole in the earth is widening.
Sam’s truck appears at the top of the road. Sam’s friend Jumper is driving. It races to the rear of the wolf and crashes into it knocking the wolf and Odin into the hole. Sam rushes to the side and sees Professor Owen holding onto the sword that is plunged into the side of the hole. Arindis flies into the hole and saves him. The next morning in the town Susan introduces Karin to her son, Professor Owen Waythill
On the back seat of the bus that carries the survivors of the town away on <st1:street><st1:address>Revival Road</st1:address></st1:street> sits Legion Ladnar.
Focus is on his eyes that suddenly turn to the same that Lord Lokan had then back to normal.
-
Title: Jose The Hipster Zombie Slayer
Format: Horror Comedy Feature
Logline:
Jose, a recently unemployed Mexican-American in his mid 30s, sees his hipster friend turn into a zombie via a cursed youtube video and tries to quarantine him from inciting a zombie apocalypse.
One Sheet:
Jose is a Mexican hipster who sees himself as a samurai master trained by a homeless
man Leroy Jenkins. He struggles with his marriage to his wife Zooey because of his recently
unemployment status. One day his friend, Rufus, tells him about a cursed YouTube video
that can turn people into zombies. Unfortunately Rufus watches it and becomes a zombie.
Jose convinces Tony, the apartment manager, that his friend is a zombie. They quarantine
Rufus in secret and then pay a vagrant to get bit to see if it is contagious. Rufus breaks
free and kills someone along with the vagrant. Jose shoots Rufus in the head but it does
not kill him. Later Miss Xiao, a surly old Chinese woman, tells them that the YouTube
video is an ancient chant that will doom the world.
Tony leads them to a morgue to perform tests on Rufus utilizing his experience when he
was studying to be a neurologist. They discover that marijuana has a calming effect on
the zombie. Zooey takes this opportunity to inform Jose that she is divorcing him. She
leaves a broken Jose with Tony as they try everything to kill Rufus but do not succeed.
Tony is worried about the YouTube video becoming viral and when Jose checks it he
sees that it has become viral. They rush to the Zooey and see the entire city is in chaos
from the hipster zombie breakout. They save Zooey and Miss Xiao then gather the
remaining survivors in a church. Jose concludes they would die off in the woods and that
he is going to stay to protect Los Angeles. Despite not being able to kill the zombies, they
chop off their heads, arms, and legs, and then store their parts in buildings.
Miss Xiao concludes they must look at the source so Jose subjects himself to the video on
YouTube. His consciousness is transported to a white void where he meets the spirit of
his master. Jenkins tells him of the black spirit that consumes everyone that comes there
and the only way to beat it is to transform it from within. Jose is almost possessed until
Miss Xiao switches places with him and turns into a zombie. Jose dismembers her.
With a zombie horde coming from Coachella, they fight them off until Tony gets stabbed
in the back by Rufus (with regained consciousness thanks to the marijuana) who also
underwent sword training by Jenkins. Rufus reveals he orchestrated the zombie
apocalypse to avoid looking for a job. Jose fights him in a sword duel but gets bitten.
Jose is transported to the white void but realizes what his master meant by transforming
the chant, he becomes enlightened and cures Rufus back to being a human. Rufus filled
with rage charges at Jose but Zooey shoots off his arm and Jose decapitates him, thus
destroying the chant and killing off all the zombies. Jose and Zooey discuss the
possibility of dating again with their new personas as they stare off into the brave new
world they’re in.
-
Bus Stopped
LogLine: Bus Operator must battle with Manson-cult type leader and followers on transit bus hijacked and stopped on Golden Gate Bridge.
What Ive Learned: To narrow down the story and keep it simple yet effective.
One Pager: On a high wind day Poppa, mid-fifties, bikes to transit garage in San Francisco. He gets ribbed from other’s from biking and going healthy.
He drives empty bus across Golden Gate bridge with very high wind gusts. Starts north coming inbound to the city. Picks up people waiting along the route. Eventually picks up young group of kids and next stop older man with a hoodie.
When mid-spanned on the bridge hooded man demands bus stop. He’s going to jump. Grabs wheel and Poppa must stop. Man opens the door and runs screaming crazy into traffic. All lanes stop as he climbs on to edge.
A commuter detective onboard helps Poppa. But a young girl sneaks up from behind with a gun and cop surrenders. Hooded man comes back and takes gun from girl. Buck Naked, mid-thirties, with his group of kids take command.
Buck demands 2 million or passengers die. Entire bridge shut down. Police helicopters and in the distance, media helicopters have hard time steadying from high winds. Snipers on hillside can’t get shot. Buck gets his money after shooting someone. Poor Honey, late teens, Buck’s girl, unzips large duffle bag she brought on board full of many drones. She and friends harass helicopters with drones bumping into windshields and one getting sucked into the engine of media copter that crashes into police copter and finally falls into police roadblock. Buck laughs with his motto, ‘chance favors the prepared mind.’
Buck demands Poppa bust through fiery roadblock on south end of bridge. There’s mess and confusion. Poppa complies as Buck threatens his favorite lady passenger. Bus breaks through roadblock and flies through city streets. Up and down hills. In pursuit by police cars, motorcycles, helicopters.
Police snipers on copters can’t get a fix, as bus eventually crashes into building lobby with row of bicycles. Buck rides away laughing ducking into narrow alleys. Poppa hot on his trail. With a long bike chase. Buck surprised Poppa can keep up. Eventually car door opens and Buck hits it, crashes. Poppa comes up and with one punch knocks him out.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Brian Pearson.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by
-
Mark’s Logline and One Page
What I’ve Learning Doing This Assignment is: How important the Logline and writing out your story in one page is. It gives you a better insight of your true story.
Log Line:
Losing her sight in a terrible car accident that claimed her mother and father, Precious and her brother Larry know how unexpectedly death can appear; But on this
stormy Halloween night, trapped in a funeral home with a group of trick or treating college friends, Precious will discover the Angel Of Death is far crueler
and complicated than she could have ever feared.
The Angel Of Death:
The story opens on Halloween night, where Carl arrives with a cadaver under the watchful gaze of the mortician, Angel. There’s a familiar reality to the transaction, almost friendliness. As Carl departs, the true menace of their relationship is unveiled, when the cadaver is revealed to be alive, just long enough for Angel to remove is still beating heart with monstrous, retractable claws.
One year later, a group of college friends are driving to a trick or treat themed church party. Their drive Carl… also a college student… fits right in with the group, with no allusion to his role as Angels minion. The group enjoys some treats as they drive, including booze and marijuana, this all seems to be one hell of a party. Amongst the partiers is Precious and her brother Larry, Who appear to have a tense relationship due to the past trauma for which Larry blames himself, and which precious describes as his dangerous drinking. The other members of the group are also introduced. Somewhere along the road, the bus suffers a breakdown, and the group of forced into the rainy night looking for help. They stumble through a cemetery, up to Angel’s Funeral Home.
Soon, the group are inside the funeral home, facing a myriad of surreal terrors.
The horror begins with Larry encountering Angel, who greets him with a smile before showing his true face and suddenly removing Larry’s heart. The group discovers Larry call mom who warns them to “protect their heart” with his dying breath. For precious, this moment is the beginning of her fall into guilt and despair, both over Larry’s death and the accident which left her and Larry orphaned.
Precious is captured by Angel, who reveals he has a particular interest in her, before deciding to cremate her for her sins.
Over the course of the evening. Angel kills the teens one by one, explaining that Halloween is deaths special night, and this is no coincidence that the teens have run out of their allotted time on earth. As more of them all picked off, the group tries to arm themselves and make a final stand, only to learn that the mortality is bound by universal faith, and the angel of death would not be easily defeated.
In a final defiant act, Precious will try to sacrifice himself and kill The Angel Of Death, rather than fall victim to his whims. In so doing, Precious uncovers Carl’s identity as angels secret servant, and was turned to her only weapon… The power of her faith.
In their last confrontation, Angel claims both Carl and the final survivor Morris, with the building now unlocked and Precious able to escape. As his final act, Angel reminds precious that her time will come, even if it won’t be this Halloween. Precious will be forced to survive under the looming menace of deaths intentions, forever carrying with her the guilt of her family‘s death and her own physical disability.
-
***CORRECTED VERSION***
Mark’s Logline and One Page
What I’ve Learning Doing This Assignment is: How important the Logline and writing our your story in one page is. It gives you a better insight of your true story.
Log Line:
Losing her sight in a terrible car accident that claimed her mother and father, Precious and her brother Larry know how unexpectedly death can appear; but on this
stormy Halloween night, trapped in a funeral home with a group of trick or treating college friends, Precious will discover the Angel Of Death is far crueler and complicated than she could have ever feared.
The Angel Of Death:
The story opens on Halloween night, where Carl arrives with a cadaver under the watchful gaze of the mortician, Angel. There’s a familiar reality to the transaction, almost friendliness. As Carl departs, the true menace of their relationship is unveiled, when the cadaver is revealed to be alive, just long enough for Angel to remove his still beating heart with monstrous, retractable claws.
One year later, a group of college friends are driving to a trick or treat themed church party. Their driver, Carl… also a college student… fits right in with the group, with no allusion to his role as Angels minion. The group enjoys some treats as they drive, including booze and marijuana, this all seems to be one hell of a party. Amongst the partiers is Precious and her brother Larry, who appear to have a tense relationship due to the past trauma for which Larry blames himself, and which Precious describes as his dangerous drinking. The other members of the group are also introduced. Somewhere along the road, the bus suffers a breakdown, and the group of forced into the rainy night looking for help. They stumble through a cemetery, up to Angel’s Funeral Home.
Soon, the group are inside the funeral home, facing a myriad of surreal terrors.
The horror begins with Larry encountering Angel, who greets him with a smile before showing his true face and suddenly removing Larry’s heart. The group discovers Larry, who warns them to “protect their heart” with his dying breath. For Precious, this moment is the beginning of her fall into guilt and despair, both over Larry’s death and the accident which left her and Larry orphaned.
Precious is captured by Angel, who reveals he has a particular interest in her, before deciding to cremate her for her sins.
Over the course of the evening. Angel kills the teens one by one, explaining that Halloween is death’s special night, and this is no coincidence that the teens have run out of their allotted time on earth. As more of them all picked off, the group tries to arm themselves and make a final stand, only to learn that their mortality is bound by universal faith, and the Angel of Death would not be easily defeated.
In a final defiant act, Precious will try to sacrifice herself and kill The Angel Of Death, rather than fall victim to his whims. In so doing, Precious uncovers Carl’s identity as Angel’s secret servant, and she turned to her only weapon… the power of her faith.
In their last confrontation, Angel claims both Carl and the final survivor Morris, with the building now unlocked and Precious able to escape. As his final act, Angel reminds Precious that her time will come, even if it won’t be this Halloween. Precious will be forced to survive under the looming menace of Death’s intentions, forever carrying with her the guilt of her family‘s death and her own physical disability.
-
Hi Mark, you are off to a good start, contained horror, is always a in-demand genre to write.
Your logline has good elements but reads disjointed with added exposition not critical to the main story line. Yes critical to the screenplay, which the logline’s job to get it read.we can break it down like this.
If your LG is following logline example format # 3 – (Situation) causes (main character) to face (largest obstacle) and (outcome), We can break it down like this:
Situation: A victim of car accident that left her blind and orphaned
Face large obstacle: is trapped with her brother in n a funeral home with the Angel of Death on Halloween night
Outcome: they must survive the Angel of Deaths harvesting of hearts
The logline all about the protagonists story. All the other stuff, although important to the screenplay, is not needed in the LG. Ideally you like to hook in the reader with something unique, as locked in a funeral home isn’t new, however, for example, something like the harvesting of hearts for some really cool or surprising reason, would elevate your logline’s attraction.
An example of where he you could go: A victim of a car accident which left her blind and orphaned finds herself and her brother trapped in a funeral home on Halloween night where they must survive the Angel of Death annual harvesting of hearts for (some cool reason) or be the next victims. There’s less exposition and more staying on story in this example.
Consider when constructing your one page the parent’s car accident be the opening scene then jump to a year later where Precious and Larry are picked up by the college boys as the inciting incident. The Angel of Death scene at the funeral home can then follow. Then the arrival by the gang. That should get you to end of page 10 and we know what the story is about.
Do you really want brother Larry killed off so soon as the act one turning point? He’s really import to Precious, I’m sure he’s critical to her survival and a source of conflict for her guilt. Personally, I’d keep him alive up to the climax where his death would have more emotional impact. The Angel of death doing her thing is still great for a turning point, maybe someone else?
Midpoint – Angle of Death captures Precious? That’s awesome, it it is, but you got to tell us what special interest the AOD has in Precious. That’s a big set and payoff moment, can’t let that go to unnoticed.
Second turning point end go act two – I think it the teens run out of time on Earth and that’s no coincidence. And, or, Carl’s reveal as a AOD servant. Again, another, wow that cool stuff , but more insight as to what’s going on and how’s this involving Precious.
Crisis time – Could be Precious sacrifices herself to save Larry but fails. This is where I see the value of holding off of Larry’s death, as Precious now is truly alone and out of options. Her failure only adds to her guilt, making redemption that much harder to achieve.
Resolution- I like that the Angel of Death is letting Precious go. The reasons are not all that clear, however a horror story needs a survivor and you have one. We all know one day we shall die. In Precious case, she is blind so that only elevates her anxiety. If the AOD leaves Previous with day she’ll die or the way she’ll die, that certainly is terrifying.
You have all kinds if good stuff going on. I’d concentrating on telling Precious story arc more clearly. Leave out some of the exposition that’s not critical while clarifying and building up the story beats that are really interesting . Having a blind protagonist in a horror story is really great, it’s a challenge, but also has the opportunity to build suspense and intensity so focus on that too. Good luck!
-
Hi Edward, thank you so much for your critique. You did an outstanding job laying out some things that I didn’t see. They will help me really bring this script together. Looking forward to working with you as we move forward.
-
You’re welcome, when you get an opportunity please give feedback any one of the forum lessons I’ve posted. Thanks.
-
-
-
-
What I learned from this assignment was the value of finding the essence of my concept and the story vision I have for Voodoo Gulch. There is much room for improvement and a tighter focus on key story elements, but it’s a start. Here Goes:
David’s One-Page for Voodoo Gulch
Logline:
When the Great Hurricane of 1893 devastates New Orleans, a Voodoo Queen, her daughter, and a few survivors embark on a journey to and start life over, but Voodoo Queen faces many perils in her quest to sustain her Voodoo life as many others fear she is evil incarnate.
Synopsis:
Voodoo Queen Bonne Dieu and daughter Gris-Gris are rescued by a family friend when a great hurricane lays waste to New Orleans and surrounding lands. When the extent of damage is known, they flee New Orleans along with two couples to find a new home.
When sites they encounter proves uninhabitable, they must press on. Voodoo Queen’s quest has complications others are unaware of. If unable to reach a hidden portal of power, she will lose her Voudon abilities. If their quest takes them away from a portal for too long, Voodoo Queen and Gris-Gris will die. Portals in New Orleans, Port Au Prince and elsewhere, can only be detected when one is nearby. She cannot lead them to her own place of safety.
Eventually, they reach a mining camp that initially insists they move on, but Voodoo Queen senses energy from a nearby portal, and persuades Mining boss to let them stay, if only to rest up from their journey. When a sudden thunderstorm drenches the camp, they blame Voodoo Queen for bad weather they hadn’t endured in months.
She and Gris-Gris make themselves useful in the camp, and bake the miners a loaf of Rye pan-bread . When miners get sick and delirious after eating the bread, she is banished to the edge of the camp. A Frontier Doc passes through, declares it was simple ergot mold, not witchcraft that caused the strange behaviors. He inspects the mine, and determines high levels of moisture make it risky for miners to work underground for long periods of time.
Mine Boss holds Voodoo Queen responsible for his misfortunes, and gives her an ultimatum to be gone in a matter of days,. When she explores trails in search of the hidden source of Voudon powers, she discovers a superior claim to mining wealth. That buys her and Gris-Gris time, but when Mine Boss lures them to certain deaths, they discover both spiritual power and untold wealth in a mining claim in a nearby gulch in the mountain range.
Voodoo Queen is able to save her life and Gris-Gris’s, and enrich residents of a nearby community struggling to survive on the frontier. They openly welcome the former Voodoo Queen, and her young protégé Gris-Gris who assumes her role as the new Voodoo Queen.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by David Shoenfeld.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by David Shoenfeld.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by David Shoenfeld.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by David Shoenfeld.
-
Hi David, very interesting and unique concept. You have immaginative story elements to develop and elevate. Enjoy your future breakthroughs!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by
Log in to reply.