Lesson 1

[Paul McGregor]

Module 9 – Assignment 1

Paul has tested every line.

7. What I learned from this assignment was just how much unnecessary detail I had in my description. Going through the process of questioning every line helped me also to become more aware of the essence of the scene. I definitely feel it has produced a more readable script.

5. It not only made my script a faster read, it also helped me go through the discipline of deciding what was important and what was superfluous. I removed a lot of references to the state of mind of the character. There was also a lot of repeated detail that I hadn’t identified before and which I removed.

6.

BEFORE:

3. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Cops and soldiers are still busy removing bins of fentanyl and loading them onto trucks. A cordon has been set up around the house, blocking Lilia’s path.

SOLDIER 1

You can’t go through.

LILIA

(Pointing at her house)

Who says so? I live down there!

SOLDIER 1

Come back in an hour.

Lilia, frustrated, stands immobile facing the soldiers. A COP comes over. He says something to Soldier 1 and signals her to go through the line of cops and soldiers. Lilia passes through the line and throws a smile of thanks to the Cop.

COP

Anytime, Señorita. And say hello to Tino.

Lilia says nothing and walks down the road towards her house. Soldiers are carrying large plastic barrels and boxes towards a truck parked near the road-block. As Lilia walks past the fentanyl lab she notices an old truck also being loaded with barrels. Seeing her, one of the cops signals to her to keep on moving.

AFTER:

3. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Cops and soldiers are removing bins and loading them onto trucks. A cordon has been set up around the house, blocking Lilia’s path.

SOLDIER 1

You can’t go through.

LILIA

(Pointing at her house)

Who says so? This is my street!

SOLDIER 1

Come back in an hour.

Lilia stands defiantly facing the soldiers. A COP comes over. He says something to Soldier 1 and signals to Lilia to go through the line. Lilia smiles in thanks to the Cop and walks towards her home.

COP

Anytime, Señorita. And say hello to Tino.

As Lilia walks past the fentanyl lab she glimpses a truck at the back, also being loaded with barrels. Another cop signals to her to keep on moving.

This cut 36 from 163 words or 22%.

END