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Lesson 1
Reply to post your assignment.
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4 Replies
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Margaret Has Tested Every Line!
Vision: To be the best faith-based screenwriter!
What I learned: I added to much into my descriptions, flowery words that were unnecessary.
Difference in Script: Made it more concise, easier to read!
Before Scene:
EXT. IRELAND – DOCKS – DAY
Ian shoves Teen Patrick, his hands bound behind him, off the gangway. MILCHO, a burly Irishman with a face weathered by countless hardships, trades a bag of coins for the teen.
On deck, Cahal and Aodan grapple with Alita, an anguished symphony against the backdrop of a stormy sea.
Cahal hoists Alita over his shoulder, her defiance manifesting into a feral bite on his shoulder. Aodan swiftly mutes her cries, gags her with a torn strip from her dress.
As Cahal turns to address Aodan, Alita channels every ounce of her bound strength into a violent kick, strikes Aodan squarely in the chest. He crumples onto the wooden planks beneath him.
Milcho leads Patrick away, forces him onto a mule-drawn cart. Patrick looks back, witnesses his sister being surrendered to a mysterious BLACK HOODED DRUID, his face obscured in shadow.
PATRICK
Alita! Alita!
(to Milcho)
She is my blood! By all that is sacred, keep us together! I implore you! Let her accompany us!
Milcho remains stoic, snaps the reins, urges the mules forward. Patrick’s voice, a haunting cry, carries through the salted air.
PATRICK
Alita! I will find you! I will rescue you! May God watch over you! I love you!
Alita locks her vision onto her brother’s diminishing figure, eyes wide with a potent blend of fury and terror.
BAM!
Summoning every ounce of her strength, Alita headbutts the man restraining her. He staggers, momentarily disoriented, but retains his grip.
WHACK!
A brutal retaliation from the Black Hooded Druid, a savage punch to her abdomen. She crumples, gasps for breath.
BLACK HOODED DRUID
Bid your kin and your god farewell!
After scene:
EXT. IRELAND – DOCKS – DAY
Ian shoves Teen Patrick, his hands bound behind him, off the gangway. MILCHO, a burly Irishman with a face weathered by countless hardships, trades a bag of coins for the teen.
On deck, Cahal and Aodan grapple with Alita.
Cahal hoists Alita over his shoulder, she bites his shoulder. Aodan swiftly gags her with a torn strip from her dress.
As Cahal turns to address Aodan, Alita strikes Aodan squarely in the chest. He crumples onto the wooden planks beneath him.
Milcho leads Patrick away, forces him onto a mule-drawn cart. Patrick looks back, witnesses his sister being surrendered to a mysterious BLACK HOODED DRUID, his face obscured in shadow.
PATRICK
Alita! Alita!
(to Milcho)
She is my blood! By all that is sacred, keep us together! I implore you! Let her accompany us!
A stoic Milcho snaps the reins, urges the mules forward. Patrick’s voice, a haunting cry, calls out.
PATRICK
Alita! I will find you! I will rescue you! May God watch over you! I love you!
BAM!
Alita headbutts the man restraining her. He staggers, momentarily disoriented, but retains his grip.
WHACK!
A brutal retaliation, a savage punch to Alita’s abdomen. She crumples, gasps for breath.
BLACK HOODED DRUID
Bid your kin and your god farewell!
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Subject Lloyd Has Tested Every Line!
“What I learned doing this assignment is a script is a living and breathing document that will change right up to the day of the shoot. I can improve it every day”.
Working hard every day to become the best writer I can be and as a result I do become the best writer in Hollywood.
A. Is it necessary? I found several lines and descriptions that were unnecessary. They were removed.
B. Is it absolutely clear? Several descriptions were rewritten to clarify.
C. Can it be reduced (brevity) or made to read faster? I did this also on several instances. I went from 105 pages to 97.
I believe my script has a chance to be an award winner with more work and attention to detail.
6. Give us the before-and-after on the scene where you made the biggest changes.
<font color=”rgba(0, 0, 0, 0)” face=”inherit”>I went through the scene with Fazziz and Reese. She is Reese’s change </font>agent,<font color=”rgba(0, 0, 0, 0)” face=”inherit”> but the dialogue was </font>awkward<font color=”rgba(0, 0, 0, 0)” face=”inherit”> and unreadable. I changed it and made it </font>relevant<font color=”rgba(0, 0, 0, 0)” face=”inherit”> and foreshadowing. </font>
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WIM Module 9: Wordsmithing
Lenore Bechtel has tested every line!
What I learned doing this assignment is that brevity in descriptions makes a script read easier and faster.
I DID test every line, but I made very few changes, probably because I’d made a special effort in my first draft to keep descriptions short. After this run-through, I now have only three descriptions longer than three lines—the first three that describe the three characters in my dramatic triangle. Those descriptions have information the reader needs, and I tried, but failed, to get the infomation into three lines.
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BRIAN BULL has TESTED EVERY LINE.
VISION!!!
My ultimate goal is to get my scripts from my hands to the SILVER SCREEN!!“What I learned from doing this assignment is…
Always Room for improvement.
The ONE THAT GOT AWAY – A Fisherman’s Tale
A fisherman is determined to catch the fish he blames for his younger brother’s death, however, in the end, it turns out the fisherman is the one who had gotten away.ASSIGNMENT
4. Make any changes that improve the read – focusing on clarity, meaning, and making the script a faster read.
I didn’t change much.
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