Lesson 10

[Ronald Neustrom]

QE 2 Scene rewrite – From Ron

EXT. MOJAVE HIGHWAY DINER – DAY

A SHERIFF’S SEDAN pulls into the hot, desolate parking lot. It’s well past 100 degrees and the sweat rings on DEPUTY NICK’s back have covered his fresh uniform.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – CONTINUOUS

JOHN, late 20’s, looks like a scared puppy hiding in a corner booth. No one else is eating in the old diner. A MEXICAN COOK and a bored WAITRESS, in her late 50’s, don’t jump to attention.
Nick reaches the booth.

NICK
Too damn hot, but I still drove all the way out here because you asked me.

JOHN
I needed you away from the others. You’re the only one that understands where I’m coming from.

NICK
I guess I’m all you got. Hey…look at this.

As he is sitting he pulls a BLACK PISTOL out of his holster.

NICK
Korean. Automatic. Illegal in this country. Let them son of a bitches tell what I can pack.

JOHN
I appreciate the time. You been real good to me. Patient…but I’m not like you.

NICK
I’m a one of a kind.

JOHN
I don’t have the whole department behind me. It’s me. Only me.

NICK
You need to get better at making friends.

JOHN
If I get caught my life is over.

NICK
Sometimes you have to leap.

JOHN
Unions. Lawyers. You can probably wiggle out of this.

Waitress approaches. The mood changes.

WAITRESS
What are you having?

NICK
How about burger, soda?

JOHN
Same. Except gimme a draft.

The waitress grabs the menus.

NICK
I’ll get the check…

JOHN
That’s generous.

NICK
I’m a giver…that’s what they tell me…Did you finish the order?

JOHN
I’m just not sure…I got no one else. I like to keep my promises… especially to people I can trust. I don’t know. There’s a little voice inside.

As NICK turns away JOHN pushes something on his PHONE.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

TWO AGENTS are listening to John and Nick talking. They are sitting around recording equipment with head phones on.

INT. MOJAVE DINER- CONTINUOUS

JOHN
What if I can’t change the numbers?

NICK
The other guys aren’t patient like me. I’ve seen them hurt people.

JOHN
Explain it to me again. I want to make sure I get it right.

Nick takes out A NAPKIN and WRITES something down. He slides it to John.

JOHN
400 K.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

The TWO AGENTS try to get close to the equipment and listen.

AGENT ONE
Did he just give him a paper?

AGENT TWO
I think so.

AGENT ONE
We go when he says it?

AGENT TWO
These guys have been filthy for years. I hate dirty cops.

INT. MOJAVE DINER- CONTINUOUS

NICK
It’s a four way split. Just say you were expecting a big order. You order the cash every week anyway.

JOHN
I got that part…but after the hit you get the cash…What assurances do I have? I’m nervous here. Give me your word.

NICK
What can I do to build a bridge? I want to make you feel as good as possible.

JOHN
I would like to trust you. Sometimes you just have to jump.

NICK
If you back out now. My partners don’t see the world like I do.

JOHN
If I stop now they’ll get mad.

NICK
I know them a little better than you do….They’ll probably disappear you. This is me giving you some insider’s information.

JOHN
I can see it now. No changing my mind. Consequences.

NICK
My guys are ready, but we’re not going until you put in the order. That way there’s enough to spread around.

JOHN
Ok…ok…but you promise…I need your word, I get my cut…

NICK
Did you order the cash?

JOHN
Your word.

NICK
I drove all the way out here didn’t I. I‘m buying lunch. I will personally deliver your cut to you!

JOHN
Ok…

INT. DINER BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

TWO AGENTS listening on the wire.

JOHN (O.S.)
I ordered the cash
.
NICK (O.S.)
It’s done. We’re green on Wednesday.

JOHN (O.S.)
You have to get all the way to the vault. They won’t have much in the drawers.

NICK (O.S.)
Just make sure the kitty is full… So you placed the order?

JOHN
I did it this morning.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

Two agents are GEARING UP. They are checking their weapons.

AGENT ONE
He said it’s a go.

AGENT TWO
On tape.

They BURST into the main dining room GUNS drawn.
Nick is HOLDING John with a gun to his HEAD.

NICK
Stay back!

AGENT ONE
Put it down.

NICK
He’s coming with me.

Nick moves toward the front door.

AGENT ONE
Stop.

Nick blows them away with his Korean Special. He drags John to the backroom. Grabs the tapes. Shoves them in his pocket.
He pulls John with him as he throws some money on the table.

NICK (to the cook and waitress)
Have a good day.

They get outside. He forces John into the SEDAN as he peels away.

WAITRESS
Should we call 911?

• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Diane Keranen]

Feedback by Diane

You’ve done a great job incorporating each of the traits. They were all strong presentations in the script. The weakest were John’s loner trait and Nick’s giving trait, but all of the other traits are very well represented. You also did a great job building suspense, major twist, surprise, mislead, character changes radically, betrayal, superior position, uncertainty, and intrigue. And that’s all 10 of the interest techniques. Great job! The setting is awesome and adds drama to the scene and the characters.

The scene started out super strong. It got a little confusing right before the agents came out. I think a few word choices that could make it more clear what they’re conspiring about would be helpful. I love the line, “I needed you away from the others.” What perfect placement for that.

Great job on this rewrite Ron. My apologies for not getting to this sooner. Life has been happening and, well, you know how that goes.

Overall, terrific scene.