Lesson 10

[Mark napier]

Scene Assignment QE #2: (Double the Quality)

What did I learn? I learned that a lot of preparation in understanding the scene setup comprises of many details that makes 2/3rds of the time in preparation and 1/3rd of the time is actually writing the scene.

LOGLINE: When an informant strongly suspects his handler is a double agent for an arms dealing syndicate he has penetrated; a face-to-face standoff for the truth is in order.

ESSENCE: Nick and John are on the heels of a physical altercation when John believes Nick is a double agent for an arms dealer, he himself serves as an informant against and needs to know if his cover is blown.

SCENE: EXT – RAFFLES DOHA, SIX STAR LUXURY HOTEL – BALCONY – QATAR – DAY
DESCRIPTION: John (informant) agrees to meet Nick (DIA agent) in his luxurious suite on the 35th floor of the ‘Six Star Luxury Hotel’ to discuss strange events that have placed his life in jeopardy as he believes Nick may be on the verge of exposing him as an informant to the arms dealer, Akram.

SERIES OF SHOTS: The Katara Towers is known as the Lusail Kantara Twin Towers luxury hotel. An icon architectural landmark shaped like a crescent moon located in the Marina District of Lusail in Qatar. The room is luxuriously decorated with artwork, marble flooring and gold painted wood to reflect wealth. A butler is present for every four rooms at a guest’s beckoning call. John and Nick are standing outside on the inviting balcony at arm’s length from one another and are on the brink of a major knock down drag out fight that could end in death for one of them. (Interesting Setting)

JOHN

Standing with hands on hips leaning toward Nick as if about to tackle him.

I want to know who you really are working for? (Distrustful)

I got word from inside that Akram has a new guy working for him! (Intrigue)

BEAT

He’s aware that he has an informant inside his own organization! (Intrigue) (Betrayal)

BEAT

I don’t know if he knows it’s me yet? But I hope for your sake it’s not true! (Distrustful) (Daring) (Betrayal) (Setup/Surprise)

This is why I like working alone…. It’s safer. (Loner)

NICK

Standing with his hands in front in a self-defensive stance, he speaks softly.

Nooooo!

Don’t lose it now because of a little pressure! (Giving) (Conniving)

JOHN

May I remind you I too have connections?! (Trick)

I recognized your secure phone number that was intercepted by NSA. (Distrustful) (Intrigue) (Setup/Surprise)

The transmission was from a syndicate-controlled area in Herat, Afghanistan at the time Akram was visiting. (Intrigue) (Setup/Surprise)

Are you a double agent? (Distrustful) (Loyal)

NICK

Smiling as if he has the perfect answer.

I just happened to be aboard a US military reconnaissance aircraft that was flying over the area. (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Conniving)

I also just so happened to place a call coincidently at the time Akram was in the area. (Confident) (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear)

You are not the only one with connections! (Confident)

JOHN

His anger increasingly reflected in his body swaying back and forth.

Answer me this!!!

How did Akram know about the informant’s past trips to Qatar? (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Suspense)

How did he find out that the informant is an Afghan orphaned refugee from the days of Soviet occupation?
(Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Suspense)

How did Akram learn information that you were privileged to? (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Intrigue)

BEAT

Akram says he has someone on the inside! (Intrigue)
Meaning … the Intelligence Community? (Betrayal)

NICK

How does the syndicate know they have an informant in the first place? (Conniving) (Suspense)

JOHN

With an accusing facial expression. (Betrayal)

That’s a great question! So, I asked my NSA contact to run your ops cell number to find out. (Suspense)

They came up with an interesting connection to a senior Iranian Intelligence officer. (Intrigue) (Suspense)

BEAT

I am still waiting for more feedback. (Suspense)

Nick is visibly surprised. (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear)

And then I asked my CIA contact to run the bank accounts from the Akram’s finance guy we wrapped up a month ago in Europe. (Intrigue)

I tasked him to see if the 10 bank accounts loaded with millions the finance guy managed had links to offshore accounts with ties to accounts here in Qatar. (Setup/Surprise)

You seem to take a lot of trips to Qatar! (Betrayal) (Intrigue) (Suspense)

NICK
Glaring at John.

Look here!

The CIA may have assets operating in the area too who are reporting intelligence. (Conniving)

It could very well be one of theirs that is in the crosshair and not you! (Conniving) (Mislead/Reveal)

You’re getting all bent out of shape for nothing. (Conniving)

JOHN

You could be right. But….

I took the initiative, however, to create two ‘night letter’ operations as red herrings. (Setup/Surprise) (Suspense)

I wanted to see if the syndicate reported what I fed to them back through to you directly … (Mislead/Reveal) (Intrigue)

… or if what I reported to you made its way back to Akram. (Mislead/Reveal) (Intrigue)

Would you like to know the results? (Intrigue) (Mislead/Reveal) (Suspense)

NICK

I suppose you’re about to tell me I made a mistake in falling for it? (Setup/Surprise)

JOHN

Why Nick?

I was loyal to you and the cause…the mission! (Setup/Surprise) (Suspense) (Loyal)

Why did you do it? (Setup/Surprise) (Suspense)

NICK

You’re right! (Suspense) (Mislead/Reveal)

I did it for the money…the rush. (Rebellious)

I got tired of dancing to everyone else’s’ tune. (Rebellious)

Your night letter op worked too good apparently.
(Showing his worst side) (Mislead/Reveal)

BEAT

JOHN

Up to this point Nick…. (Setup/Surprise)

I did not know. … I wasn’t completely sure it was you. (Mislead/Reveal)

I made the whole night letter operation up. (Major Twist) (Trick) (Daring)

John is standing nose to nose with Nick having just obtained the truth.

One of us is going over that balcony! (Daring)

NICK

Steaming, he sarcastically slightly bows with a gesture of his hand to go first.

Please. After you! (Giving) (Conniving)

It’s just one loose end to tie up. (Confident)
FADE OUT

• This reply was modified 2 days, 13 hours ago by  Mark napier.
• This reply was modified 1 day, 17 hours ago by  Mark napier.

[Rita Roberts]

Rita's QE Cycle 2 – Scene 2

What I learned:
-It's very useful to focus on traits for the first draft, then build in more depth with interest techniques on subsequent passes.

-It doesn't actually take a lot of words or set up too add the interest techniques. Just a few twists, here and there.

-Not double quality but improved.

-The video critique gave me ideas which made me aware that I understand the ITs a little more at this stage.

-I'm not sure if my way of using subtext and implication makes the intentions of the characters and the scene clear to other people.

LOGLINE: When John repairs the rotted boards on the church alter, he discovers Pastor Nick's secret dealings.

ESSENCE: No "good deed" goes unpunished.

INT. CHAPEL – DAY
JOHN (30s) assesses a panel of water damage on the church's ornately carved alter. Carpenter's equipment lays neatly on a tarp. He buckles his tool belt and kneels with crowbar ready to go.

NICK (50s) stands behind him to watch. He adjust the little rectangle of a white collar on his black shirt.

John stops mid-pry of a warped board to look over his shoulder.

JOHN
This is gonna take a while. Don't let me keep you from your duties.

Nick moves to the alter and takes the communion chalice out of its gold and glass case.

NICK
I was just… this needs to be washed before Sunday. Will you be done by then?

John lays the crowbar back in its place in the row of tools. He stands tall and strong next to a smaller Nick with his far less physical vocation.

JOHN
Depends.

NICK
I mean, it's a big job for one person. Do you have a helper coming?

JOHN
Nope. Just me. Do you have a helper?

Nick points to bloody, broken body of Christ on the cross.

NICK
Just the big guy.

John rolls his eyes and opts for a less quiet sawzall.

JOHN
I work fast.

NICK
I still see your mom on Sundays, but not you.

JOHN
Correct. I am fully aware of your method of redeeming souls.

Nick disappears into his office, adjacent to the alter while John measures his first cuts.

Nick returns with a pamphlet. Offers it to John.

NICK
Mens' group meets on Thursdays.

John makes direct eye contact with Nick, expressionless. He flips the switch on his saw as his answer. The amplified space built for acoustics fills with a loud, electric whine.

NICK
(yells)
Oh my god! You're cutting that out?

Nick sighs and turns the saw off.

JOHN
Unless you'd prefer I cut out something else, then yeah, I am.

NICK
Can't you just sand it or re-carve it or something? It's just that…

Nick paces and manages to put himself between John and the moulding he was hired to replace.

John stands back to take in this behavior. His scrutiny turns up a notch with "keen observer" written all over his furrowed brow.

NICK
I mean, this wall has been here since 1892. And you're just going to… expose it?

JOHN
That's the plan.

Nick quickly shuts his office door, next to John's work area.

He rearranges everything that isn't out of place. Open bibles, candlesticks, all the pristine, churchy stuff. It's a beginner's class in misdirection tactics.

John flips the Bible's oversized pages to a random passage and taps on the pulpit, as if to challenge Nick.

Nick pretends not to notice.

NICK
The ladies' guild will be here any minute and they're not going to like all the noise.

John sweeps his hand toward a staircase.

JOHN
Probably much quieter down there. The board hired me, this is the day they scheduled.

John turns back toward his work.

Nick grabs the flannel of John's work shirt.

NICK
The board didn't run this by me.

He stops. Backs up due to the look John gives him — not a guy who likes the laying on of hands.

Nick raises the sawzall, reminiscent of a weapon and turns it back on, defiant.

JOHN
(over the noise)
I guess the "big guy" okayed it. Isn't that what you used to say?

He slides the buzzing saw through the old wood.

Nick darts around the alter, moves close to John's hulking back, reaches… thinks better of it.

He turns a circle, looks at the door. He might bolt.

John cuts a big hole outside the perimeter of waterlogged wood. Just doing his job.

Sweat drips off Nick's untanned forehead. He tugs at his choking collar. Fidgety is an understatement.

The saw noise reverberates through the chapel like four hundred dental drills boring into his brain.

He makes a break for it and sprints down middle aisle's red carpet.

A shaft of light emblazons the last twenty feet as the front door opens.

Five older women file in, block the door with confusion and worry, hit with noise and their beloved priest barreling toward them.

They form a defensive line far too formidable for this puny, powder-puff tight end.

He's trapped.

The saw noise stops.

Up at the alter, another shaft of light shines through the new opening in the wall shared with Nick's office.

John reaches into the hole.

JOHN
Hello, ladies.

He stands and holds up two bricks of… puff powder.

Nick hides his face in his hands and darts through the side door.

NICK
Party's over, Sheila. I guess Junior doesn't get his operation after all.

Four of the women look at the other, presumably SHEILA. She shrinks by six inches.

The cry room is most appropriate for both of them.

• This reply was modified 1 day, 19 hours ago by  Rita Roberts.

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned: It's good to do character traits in the first pass, and then add interest tech in the second. That way I don't get confused and can focus on both things.

LOGLINE: American JOHN and Russian NICK are the only two astronauts about the space shuttle when all-out war looms between their two countries.

ESSENCE: John distrust is the weakness that betrays him.

INT. SPACE STATION – NIGHT

NASA pilot JOHN sits at the helm. Co-pilot NICK (Nikita), a big burly Russian engineer, mans the co-pilot seat. They are the only two people aboard the shuttle.

A light flashes on the helm panel.

JOHN
It’s the aft electrical backup light. It’s not essential, but I should check it. I don’t trust the system without it.

NICK
I will go. I’m here to help. After all, you’re the American hero, here all alone for 100 days before Russia sent me up.

JOHN
I don’t mind the quiet.

NICK
And I am glad to help. I’m good at fixing things. The ship. It’s systems. You won’t find a better engineer anywhere. But that’s not my most important job. I’m here to help build friendship between our two countries.

JOHN
Your main priority? That’s what they told you?

NICK
Yes! My exact orders!

Nick unstraps and floats up.

NICK
It’s almost time to eat. You want I should bring back your dinner while I’m down there?

JOHN
No, I’ll pick it up later.

With a friendly smile, Nick nods, then launches himself out of the command zone.
John’s screen BEEPS. On the screen, Commander PIKE appears.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
Hello, John. What’s your status?

JOHN
Main systems good. Nick just went down aft to check on one of the back-up systems.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
He’s not there? Good. Look, we have a situation. We’ve just learned that Russia is about to attack the US. Full scale war is imminent. We need the Russian communication satellites disabled. And Nick would have those codes – he built the damn array. John, it’s vital that we get those codes. We’ve debated the best way for you to handle getting them from him, and…

JOHN
Say no more. Whatever it takes, I will… handle it.

John ends the call. He gathers his thoughts. With a heavy sigh…
He flips his screen back on. It shows Nick closing an electrical wall panel.

JOHN
Ship to ship comm. Nick, how’s it going down there?

NICK (ON SCREEN)
A minor glitch. Am re-setting the electrical panel now.

JOHN
I’m getting another warning light. It says there’s a fault with the emergency escape capsule.

NICK (ON SCREEN)
Panel says it’s good.

JOHN
Not the connections, the fault is INSIDE the escape capsule. Yeah, I know it’s a pain to get inside that capsule, but you are right there.

Behind Nick is the emergency escape capsule, a small pod with a tiny round portal window hatch. Nick frowns at it. The hatch looks barely large enough for his chunky body to get through.

NICK (ON SCREEN)
Okay, I will go in there and check it out.

On the screen, John sees Nick go to the capsule and crank open the hatch. Then Nick prepares to squeeze his body through it. Clearly, it’s going to be a tight fit.

John sighs. And floats out the command section.

INT. AFT SECTION – DAY?
John floats into the aft section. He sees Nick’s legs awkwardly disappear into the escape capsule.

John FLINGS himself towards the capsule. He grips the round portal door… and SLAMS IT SHUT.
As he locks the hatch, he sees Nick’s shocked face through the glass window hatch.

NICK
John? What are you doing? Is this a joke?

JOHN
No joke. Look, Nick. I need the codes for the Russian communication satellite system. I can’t tell you why. And don’t say you don’t have them.

NICK
Let me out!

JOHN
Can’t do that, Nick. I hate this, but… give me those codes or I can’t let you out.

NICK
But we’re friends!

JOHN
My country comes first.

NICK
John, please!

JOHN
They say a human body can go two weeks without food. But only two days without water. Don’t make me do this, Nick. Give me those codes. I don’t want you to die in there. Listening to your rumbling stomach as your organs shut down one by one. I don’t want that for you.

NICK
I don’t want to be a traitor. But you give me no choice. The codes… they are…
xyz1238.

JOHN
Good. I’ll let you out once that’s confirmed. Thank you, Nick. I really didn’t want to have to do it. You’ve got to believe me. I hope someday you’ll understand.

NICK
(sad)
I’m afraid I do.

A loud HISSING sounds.

JOHN
What’s that?

NICK
The air. It’s venting from the ship.

JOHN
How? We have to stop it!

NICK
“We?” I am sorry, my friend. I control the ship’s air-flow from here. I hot-wired the system. And now, you have left me no choice. You could have just asked if there was a problem. But I feared you would not. Distrust is your weakness.

JOHN
But you’re locked in! You’ll die without me.

NICK
I have drill.

JOHN
(gasps for air)
When did you set all this up?

NICK
First day on space ship.

JOHN
(gasps harder)
But your mission! To build trust between our countries!

NICK
My friend, I am Russian. You think Russian man follows every order?

Nick sadly watches through the round window as John gasps for breath… and dies.

• This reply was modified 1 day, 3 hours ago by  Mary Albanese.