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Lesson 10
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13 Replies
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David Wickenden Meaningful Action
What I learned from this lesson?
The action can display the essence of the scene. Adds more depth and flavor.
BEFORE
Rob and Ian join Adam and together they practice archery until they can no longer pull back on the string. Freddy uses a spear instead, aiming at his own targets.
ROB
It’s a lot harder to shoot from horseback. It’s all in the timing.
ADAM
Horseback! I can even hit the target standing still. I can’t imagine shooting while moving.
ROB
Don’t feel bad. White Knife, the brave who has been teaching me, is fantastic and never misses. Of course, he’s been shooting for over 200 years.
ADAM
(chuckles)
Guess we have to practice some more.
AFTER
Rob and Ian join Adam and together they practice archery until they can no longer pull back on the string. Freddy uses a spear instead, aiming at his own targets.
ROB
It’s a lot harder to shoot from horseback. It’s all in the timing.
ADAM
Horseback! I can even hit the target standing still. I can’t imagine shooting while moving.
ROB
Don’t feel bad. White Knife, the brave who has been teaching me, is fantastic and never misses. Of course, he’s been shooting for over 200 years.
ADAM
(chuckles)
Guess we have to practice some more.
Gaje fires three arrows in fast secession. He splits both Rob’s and Adam’s arrows and buries the last barb into the end of Freddy’s spear.
GAJE
More shooting of arrows instead of mouths
makes for a better archer.
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David:
Enjoy the twist at the end with a new character and the wisdom of practicing instead of talking about practicing. Great action at the end of the scene. I imagine the camera would show the faces of Rob & Adam dumbfounded by the accuracy of GAJE.
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Great twist at the end!
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Bob Kerr – Adding Truly Meaningful Action
What I learned in this lesson is: by adding truly meaningful action I can add subtext and heighten the drama about the physical and mental toll that is required for women when building a competitive rowing crew.
BEFORE SCENE SUMMARY:
The two characters, Gary & Colette, are just sitting at a dorm room dining table eating their dinner. Pure talking head scenario.
AFTER:
INT. DORM CAFETERIA – EVENING
Colette, dressed in sweats, is walking through the cafeteria line getting her food. She is clearly in pain as she picks up her tray of food and looks for somewhere to sit. Gary, also dressed in sweats, see’s her through the crowd and stands to wave her to come sit with him. Colette recognizes Gary and weaves her way through the crowd to sit with him. Colette groans as she sits down.
GARY
You look like you’ve had a really rough day. Well just relax now and enjoy dinner.
COLETTE
Can’t relax. We lost another gal today. Couldn’t handle coach or the pain. A shame as today was the first time coach sounded like we’re figuring it out. Now we have to find another gal to fill her seat. Again!
GARY
You’re kidding right?
Colette puts her fork down and looks at Gary in frustration.
COLETTE
No I’m not! It feels as bad as coach telling us to row with our eyes closed. Feels real uncomfortable. Beginning to doubt we’ll ever make it to spring. I don’t know!
Gary looks at Colette with surprise.
GARY
You have to trust the process. Spring is a long way off yet and coach knows what he is doing.
COLETTE
We struggle to keep our eight full. We lose gals and pick up new ones all the time. Hard to get into any kind of rhythm even if we row with our eyes closed. We start from scratch each day. This is harder than it looks.
Gary puts down his fork and reaches out with his hand to touch Colette’s arm.
GARY
It’s all about trust. Just trust the process and it will get better.
COLETTE
The process isn’t keeping our boat full!
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Hi Bob,
I really like that we can see Colette moving slowly and in pain.
I would almost like to see a little more of this… perhaps she’s moving so slowly that Gary gets up to help her… their conversation could begin at that point and carry on to the table. Maybe he offers to take her tray (if she lets him).
Not sure if Colette’s arms hurt, but I know that after a hard workout, even lifting a fork to the mouth could be uncomfortable.
Every “wince” of discomfort could add drama to her words.
Take it or leave it. I think you’ve built a solid scene and I can feel Colette’s pain.
Good work!
Deb
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Deb:
Thanks for the feedback. The ideas is to point how how physically demanding the sport of rowing is and in the original scene, Colette and Gary are just sitting at a table talking. I like your suggestions and will make the appropriate adjustments in the scene.
Thanks,
Bob
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I would have to agree with Deb about Colette’s signs of pain. It doesn’e have to be much, but should continue through the scene.
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David:
Thanks for the feedback.
I will be expanding on the “pain reveal” throughout the scene. It also serves as a set up for an injury later in the script.
Bob
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Deb’s Meaningful Action
What I learned: Whoo Boy – this assignment was amazing. What an easy yet dynamic way to add layers to these scenes and make them so much more visually powerful. Thank You, Hal!
Before: Jessie must confront her father, Allen, who shows signs of early dementia and ask him to come and live with her. She loves him and doesn’t want to insult him, so she must be careful and respectful so he can keep his dignity. In my first pass, this was just two talking heads. The transformation was astounding.
Deep Meaning: It’s a scene about the child becoming the parent.
After: I put in all sorts of action where we see Jessie doing things for her dad that he is no longer able to do for himself. It’s visually apparent that Allen needs help.
INT. JUNKY APARTMENT KITCHEN – NIGHT
This small, first-floor apartment is sparsely furnished and full of junk; piles of newspapers, random boxes and bags.
The main entrance is through the attached living room. There is a small gas fireplace blazing.
Behind the kitchen table is a sliding glass door.
On the counter is an old-fashioned boom box – a radio with a cassette player. It’s on and we hear a commercial:
RADIO ANNOUNCER (v.O.): Big Daddy’s is having a two-for-one special right now. That’s right, two pizzas for the price of one.
ALLEN sits at the table. He’s 68 years old and in need of a shower, shave, and haircut. He stares blankly at nothing.
The DOORBELL RINGS.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Don’t bother cooking dinner tonight, let our family take care of your family. And remember, Big Daddy wants you to have a nice…
Allen gets up, turns off the radio, and crosses to the front door. He wears socks, but no pants. His shirt barely covers up his butt. He opens the door.
Jessie stands at the door with the Plastic Bag full of foodstuff.
ALLEN: Jessie! What happened? I’ve been worried sick.
JESSIE: Oh, Dad! Where are your pants?
Jessie quickly turns her face away and lets herself in. She shuts the door abruptly behind her.
ALLEN: I haven’t heard from you in over a month!
JESSIE: Daddy, I was just here last week and we talked on the phone yesterday. Where are your pants?
ALLEN: Oh. Yeah, uh, over by the fireplace.
Jessie, still turned from her father, puts the Plastic Bag on the kitchen table and returns to the fireplace.
Allen is confused. He eyes the Plastic Bag.
ALLEN: Is that Big Daddy’s?
JESSIE: Oh, the bag. No.
Jessie picks up a rumpled pair of pants off the floor. She sniffs and makes a sour face.
Allen unloads the contents; Tupperware filled with beef stew, a loaf of bread, cookies, a 1/2 gallon of milk.
Jessie retreats behind a bedroom door.
JESSIE (O.C.): Funny story about this bag. BJ, you remember, I had to take him to Urgent Care. He had this bag wrapped around his hand. Wouldn’t let anyone take it off!
Allen sits at the table, eyes the food – disappointed.
ALLEN: Oh, I thought it was Big Daddy’s.
Jessie reemerges with a folded, clean pair of pants.
JESSIE: Here, Daddy. I… put these on…
Allen takes the pants and thinks for a moment. Then puts them on.
JESSIE: We finally got it off and I had to stuff it in my purse – just to hide it. He had a dislocated finger, but he was hysterical.
ALLEN: That kid’s a menace.
JESSIE: That’s your grandson, pop.
She ruffles his hair a bit.
JESSIE: You don’t look so good. You ok?
ALLEN: What am I supposed to do with all of this?
JESSIE: I thought you might be hungry.
ALLEN: Oh. Oh, yeah. I guess I am.
Jessie grabs a cookie and eats it while she puts the beef stew in the microwave.
JESSIE: Dad. Dad, I wanted to ask you… if you thought about it anymore… about you coming to live with us.
She eyes the sink full of dishes and sighs.
ALLEN: You want me to? Why?
Jessie washes the dishes.
JESSIE: I just think it might be easier for you… I mean… financially… since…
ALLEN: Since Dennis lost all my investments last year.
JESSIE: Yes… and…
ALLEN: Well, what does Brad say?
The microwave DINGS. Jessie shuts off the water and retrieves the stew.
JESSIE: Brad?
ALLEN: Yeah. Brad. Your husband.
JESSIE: Daddy, Brad died. Remember?
Allen is shocked. Jessie gives him the stew and a fork.
ALLEN: When? How?
JESSIE: It’s been three years… the car accident…
ALLEN: Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Allen takes his shoes and puts them on. He fumbles with the laces.
JESSIE: Dad, I know you like your space, but I think you might be… I mean your brain…
Jessie bends down to tie her dads shoes.
JESSIE: With your brains, the kids and I… we could use your help around the house.
ALLEN: Those two still dating?
JESSIE: What? Who?
ALLEN: What’s their names? BJ and Kit – they still together?
JESSIE: Yes… they’re brother and sister… Listen, dad. I could really use your help around the house. We need you.
ALLEN: You need me?
The DOORBELL RINGS. Jessie stands and crosses to answer.
JESSIE: You expecting somebody?
Allen shifts nervously. Jessie goes to the door.
ALLEN: Yes. No. I don’t know.
Allen grabs and eats a cookie. He stuffs more in his pocket.
He takes the Plastic Bag and shoves it in his other pocket.
Jessie opens the door to DENNIS, 58 years. He’s a younger, more sinister version of Allen and better groomed.
JESSIE: Uncle Dennis!?
DENNIS: Jessie… hey, Allen, ready to go?
JESSIE: I didn’t know you guys were hanging out. What are you two up to?
Allen, extremely uncomfortable, stands and fumbles his hands.
DENNIS: Just taking your dad bowling.
JESSIE: Oh?
She looks at Allen.
ALLEN: Oh, yes. Hey, Dennis, let me just get my, um, jacket.
Jessie puts the beef stew and milk into the fridge.
Allen grabs his jacket and puts it on.
JESSIE: Ok. Well, you guys have fun… I guess…
Jessie eyes the sink full of dirty dishes.
JESSIE: I’ll just stay here and clean up a bit…
Jessie grabs a cookie and eats it.
ALLEN: You don’t have to do that, honey.
DENNIS: Tick tock. Boy’s are waiting.
JESSIE: I don’t mind, Daddy. Go ahead. I’ll call you tomorrow. Think about it. Ok?
ALLEN: Sure. Sure I will. Ok. (to Dennis) Jessie needs me.
DENNIS: Great. I need you too. Let’s go.
Allen and Dennis exit. Jessie eats another cookie.
CUT TO:
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Deb:
Really love how you capture the dynamic between an adult child and her aging parent. The little mannerisms, not wearing pants etc, will really resonate with the audience. I think this scene becomes a very powerful scene and should deliver great leverage for the rest of the script.
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Thanks Robert! I appreciate the feedback.
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Having had to deal with parents on both sides with dementia, I know how difficult it can be. You do a good job expressing it in this scene. The confusion you show in Allens expression and words realy stand out.
Suggestions if you are interested, you might want to put his shoes in the fridge. We found my grandmother’s in the fridge. It became a clear first sign that something was wrong. That and she forgot to smoke. My father would buy her a carton of smokes each week and we found that she had plenty left after a week. These little things might touch base with your viewers as they are similar to what other families have expressed.
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Brilliant, David, I love the ideas… especially the shoes.
My dad also suffered with dementia before he passed. It’s a terrible thing, but there were a lot of funny moments, too.
Thanks very much for the feedback.
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