Lesson 10

[Paul McGregor]

I can’t find Lessons 1-3 in the Forum for Module 8, so I am posting them here:

Module 8 – Assignment 1

Paul’s Dialogue Structures

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from doing this assignment was how it made me re-think the role of dialogue completely, starting with, “it does not tell the story.” I also learned the importance of making it entertaining and expressing character. Reviewing my scenes in the light of this helped me come up with new depths of story and character.

3. Re-written scenes:

A. Set-up/Major twist:

The crucial scene when the Protagonist, Lilia, meets the Antagonist, Senator Wolfson, for the second time. I have taken the opportunity also to give it a more interesting setting. Instead of a restaurant, they meet in the Botanical Garden which was one of their favorite haunts when the Senator was in Culiacán as a DEA agent, 18 years earlier.

During the set-up, the Senator grieves at the kidnapping of his son and concentrates on his loss, but in the twist, he learns that Lilia is the mother of the girl his son killed, and, as a parting shot, she informs him that he was the father!

B. Opposite meanings in dialogue:

The tense scene when the Protagonist, Lilia, meets Scott Wolfson, the rich college kid who caused her daughter’s death.

Panicked, Scott does a lot of talking, pleading for his life as he fears he faces death for killing Lilia’s daughter. But Lilia is almost distracted, talking of other matters – the logistics for his trip to hell on earth as she plans his next few days discovering the reality of the drugs business.

C. Subtext drives the meaning:

An early scene when Senator Wolfson returns to his house in the DC suburbs where a Mexican girl has just died. He talks with his son, Scott, but they talk about everything except the crime Scott has just committed.

Both the father, Senator Wolfson, because he’s a born politician, and his son, Scott, because he’s a spoilt brat, are expert at hiding from the truth and it is displayed in this scene in which they discuss everything except the death of the girl from a drug overdose in their house.

D. Deeper layer opposes dialogue:

In shock after learning of her daughter’s death, Lilia thinks by talking about other things, she will make the news go away.

This re-written scene makes Lilia’s loss even more poignant as she tries to talk and talk in order to avoid the cruel truth of her daughter’s death. Meanwhile, her father, Tino, tries to bring her back to reality.

END

Module 8 – Assignment 2

Paul loves attack/counter-attack dialogue.

6. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

7. What I learned from doing this assignment was that it helped me to look at my existing scenes in a totally different way. The original version of the scene reproduced had no sub-text or conflict. Having the framework of different perspectives, objectives, etc. really helped focus the exercise and render the dialogue more interesting.

3. Opposing viewpoints:

Perspectives Objectives Philosophies Issues

LILIA (Protagonist) Not interested in Help her daughter Make no waves. 18 yrs ago

drug war. escape Culiacán. was dumped

by gringo who

promised her a future in the US.

TINO (Lilia’s father) Sees drug war Enjoy quiet retirement Distrust all Spent 4yrs in

as a hypocritical from the Cartel. gringos, US jail for drug

gringo fraud. trafficking.

5. Scene with attack/counter-attack dialogue.

SC. 6. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

Lilia’s father, TINO, is in a chair reading a book. Her daughter, MARISOL, is at the kitchen table doing homework.

LILIA

(Almost choking with grief)

I just saw a man die.

Neither Tino nor Marisol pay any attention.

LILIA

(Just holding back the tears)

Our nice neighbor.

Still no response from the other two.

LILIA

Remember dad? The one who helped fix the boiler?

Tino finally puts down his book.

TINO

The cops kill him?

Lilia nods.

TINO

They were going to get him sooner or later.

LILIA

(At last managing to control her pain)

What do you mean?

TINO

Nothing. He was just trying to make a living.

Marisol grabs her books together and gets up.

MARISOL

I can’t concentrate with you two going on. I have an exam tomorrow!

Marisol slams the door shut behind her.

TINO

(Looking up from his book)

The cops are the criminals.

Lilia is still too absorbed by grief to say anything.

TINO

Drug war? Drugs aren’t illegal if you live in the White House.

LILIA

Did you know he was making drugs?

TINO

They should just legalize the stuff. Then Culiacán could be more like Qatar, and less like… Cuba!

This is still too abstract for Lilia.

TINO

You know your daughter wants to go study in the US?

Lilia nods.

TINO

She’s crazy.

LILIA

Why? Just because you had a bad experience.

TINO

Bad experience?! Bad experience?! 4 years in a fucking jail?

LILIA

Dad! Keep your voice down. She’s studying.

TINO

She’s just like you. Won’t be happy till she gets to gringo-land.

Lilia starts preparing dinner.

TINO

And you’ve got me to thank that you didn’t.

LILIA

(Suddenly dropping what she’s doing)

Got you to thank?! What do you mean?

TINO

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

LILIA

Nothing?! You said I should thank you I never got to the States.

TINO

(Avoiding the question)

Well, look at the mess it’s in.

LILIA

And this place isn’t?

TINO

Because we’re fighting their war for them. A stupid war they’ll never win, and we go on losing.

LILIA

What’s any of this go to do with Marisol?

TINO

If she goes to the States she’ll soon regret it.

LILIA

So you want her to stay here and rot?

TINO

OK. Let her go! See if I care!

Lilia is back cooking dinner. Tino returns to his book.

TINO

She’ll soon find she can’t trust a single one of them.

FADE OUT.

END

Module 8 – Assignment 3

Paul loves anticipatory dialogue.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from doing this assignment was that it helped me to identify something that is almost totally missing in my current draft. It was a very interesting exercise to review my dialogue and see which of the 11 forms I could use in each scene. Often it was quite simple to adapt existing dialogue in order to make it anticipatory. I also learned how anticipatory dialogue does make the script more interesting to read.

4. Here are just a couple of examples from early scenes:

Sc. 1: As a man lies in the street with gun-shot wounds, his wife comes running out. Half carrying, half dragging him into their house, the final line of the scene now has IMPLIED HOPELESSNESS:

MAN’S WIFE

Don’t die on me!

Sc. 2: In this scene, there is now IMPLIED CONSEQUENCES as the man has died and his son, in a wheelchair, asks:

MAN’S SON

What are we going to do?

MAN’S WIFE

Starve.

END

[Paul McGregor]

I can’t find Lesson 4 in this WIM 3 Module 8 Forum, so I’m posting it here.

Module 8: Assignment 4.

Paul loves covering sub-text.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment was to be on the lookout for dialogue that just tells the story. And, in trying to introduce sub-text in one scene, I discovered a twist to my story: el Charro is attracted to Lilia, the Protagonist. This introduces a new dynamic into the story.

3. a. Answer question with question. (Jaime, DEA, arrives at a cheap hotel in Culiacán with Senator Wolfson, who is ex-DEA. Prostitutes are hanging around outside.)

Prostitute: (To Jaime). Hey, you still owe me for last Saturday!

Senator Wolfson: You’ve blended in well!

Jaime: Isn’t that what they taught us in Arlington?

b. Answer question with question: (Lilia is asking el Charro to abduct her daughter’s killer.)

Sc. 28: el Charro: What do you plan doing with him?

Lilia: What did you do to the guy who killed your sons?

c. Make a joke: (Lilia is talking to the young gringo who killed her daughter.)

Sc. 32. Scott: What are you going to do to me?

Lilia: What do you gringos call it? Spring-break?

Scott nods.

Lilia: So let’s call it a spring-break with a difference.

END

[Paul McGregor]

I can’t find Lesson 5 for Module 8, so I am posting it here.

Paul is great at sub-text pointers.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment is how much dialogue can be a candidate for sub-text and how it is much more interesting to read a script with insinuations, hints, sarcasm etc. than a script that tells you everything as it is. It also makes for more interesting characters.

4.

a. Lilia’s (Protagonist) daughter, Marisol, has just learned she’s got a scholarship to go study in the US and is delighted. Her grand-father, Tino, is not so happy. His experience of the US includes 4 years in jail for drug trafficking:

Tino: Be careful who you mixed with on the other side. Don’t ever trust a gringo.

BEFORE:

Marisol: Grandad, just because you had a bad experience, doesn’t mean…

AFTER:

Marisol: Grandad, why are you always so negative about the place?!

Lilia: Let’s just say your granpa’ didn’t go there on a full scholarship. (Sarcasm & Insinuation).

b. Marisol is at a college party where drugs are being consumed. She does not want to join in. But one of the students, Scott Wolfson, is about to lace her drink with drugs.

BEFORE:

Scott Wolfson: Would you prefer a beer?

Marisol: Yes, please.

AFTER:

Scott Wolfson: Prefer a drink?

Marisol nods.

College Student: On the rocks? (Hint).

The other students giggle knowingly.

Marisol: (Not getting the joke.) Em.. sure.

c. Before this key scene, the audience did not know that Lilia was the Senator’s mistress in his earlier incarnation as a DEA agent in Culiacán. The sub-text pointed to here is that he is also the father of Marisol, the girl who died at his son’s drug-fuelled party.

BEFORE:

Lilia: Why would I kill him?

Lilia walks back to the table and leans on it with a menacing air.

Lilia: Because he killed OUR daughter.

AFTER:

Senator Wolfson: Kill him?!

Lilia: Why not?

Senator Wolfson: You’re crazy.

Lilia sits in silence for a moment.

Lilia: Maybe you’re right. It would be tough on you to lose two children in one month.

Senator Wolfson: Two?

Lilia: You’re right. I never showed you the results of the DNA test, did I? (Insinuation).

d. In the same scene, Lilia mentions the video in which Senator Wolfson accused the “Mexican bitch” (Marisol) of bringing the drugs to his son’s party.

BEFORE:

Lilia: How could you talk like that? You knew it was a lie.

Senator Wolfson: Look I wasn’t there. How could I know?

AFTER:

Lilia: You make a great politician.

Senator Wolfson: How do you know?

Lilia: I saw the video.

Senator Wolfson: I hope I didn’t come across as anti-Mexican.

Lilia: I watched that video lots of times.

Senator Wolfson:Was it that interesting?

Lilia: Let’s say it taught me a lot. (Insinuation.) About you.

Senator Wolfson: Stuff you didn’t already know?

Lilia: Lots of things I didn’t already know. (Hint.)

e. Senator Wolfson has just arrived back in Culiacán in search of his son. He is picked up at the airport by a DEA agent, Jaime, doing the job he used to do. The sub-text is that they both know about DEA corruption.

BEFORE:

Jaime: First time back?

Senator Wolfson: It’s been about 18 years.

Jaime: Planning on staying long?

Senator Wolfson: The time it takes to find my son.

AFTER:

Senator Wolfson: Liking it here?

Jaime: It has its advantages over Virginia.

Senator Wolfson: Any freelance work? (Hint. Allusion.)

Jaime eyes the Senator.

Jaime: Now and again.

They continue the drive to the center of Culiacán.

END

[Paul McGregor]

I can’t find Lesson 6 in the Forums, so I am posting here under Lesson 10.

Module 8 – Assignment 6

Paul has incredible monologues.

6. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

7. What I learned from this assignment is how exciting it was to think of the components of a successful monologue. It was exciting to think of how to get a message across without it sounding like commentary in a documentary. There has to be feeling. It can also be incoherent, as long as it’s in line with the character.

I thought for a long time about my monologues, but, in the end, I had to apply another of Hal’s great tips: sit down with a timer set for 5 or 10 minutes, and just write! I think it worked. The words just began to flow. But it’s also an early draft.

For inspiration, I looked through the Penguin Book of Historic Speeches. In the introduction it explains how J.F. Kennedy’s famous inauguration speech went through various drafts.

Early draft (from when JFK was campaigning): “We do campaign stressing what our country is going to do for us as people. We stress what we can do for our country, all of us.”

Final draft: “And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

Even the greatest writers have early drafts that end up in the bin.

5. I’m including just one monologue at the moment. My second is still too early a draft.

The monologue below is more along the lines of Humphrey Bogart’s “interactive” monologue in Casablanca than Robin Williams’ 3-minute soliloquy in Good Will Hunting.

Sc. 17. EXT. THE “LOMITA” OVERLOOKING DOWNTOWN CULIACÁN. DAWN.

el Charro: Where’s your Dad?

Lilia: (Her grief makes her deaf to the question.) She was everything to me. And he’s taken her from me. I can’t take any more of this suffering. She was succeeding where I failed. Everything was going so well. She studied so hard to get out of this place, this… Now she’s… I can’t say the word. He took her from me. Some rich gringo kid. Some senator’s son. And then that stuck-up senator told the whole world it was all her fault! Can you believe that?! They lie like they breathe, these fucking gringos. I’d like to see every one of them dead!

el Charro: That wasn’t always the case.

Lilia: And you saw how he treated me? Just dropped me! Not a word. No good-bye. No “give me a call.” Just disappeared. And left me…

el Charro: Left you what?

Lilia: Nothing.

PAUSE

You know they killed one of my neighbors the other day, an old man.

el Charro: The gringos?

Lilia: Mexican cops. But it might have well been the gringos. They’re just do what the fucking gringo tell them to do. This isn’t an independent country.

PAUSE
What’s it’s all about? This drug war? It’s killing all the wrong people. My dad’s right. If there were no Hunter Bidens, there’d be no el Chapos. I bet the bastard who killed Marisol is still doing drugs. Nobody’s going after him. Instead, they kill some old man who’s trying to feed his family. And his son’s in a wheel-chair.

el Charro: I heard about that. Don’t you worry. We’ll take care of him.

Lilia: You will?

el Charro: As much as we can.

Lilia: There’s only way I can carry on.

el Charro: How’s that?

Lilia: I’ve got to see him dead.

el Charro: My guys can take care of that.

Lilia: No. I’ve got to watch him die. I’ve got to watch him die the way he watched Marisol die.

PAUSE. I want you to bring him here. To Culiacán. To me!

(Turning to look el Charro in the eye). Can you do that?

el Charro: For you, anything.

END

[Paul McGregor]

I couldn’t find Lesson 7, so I am posting the Assignment here.

Module 8 – Assignment 7

Paul has amazing dialogue.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment was how the Skill Mastery Sheet is a great guide-book on how to improve dialogue. When I read my draft with these strategies, it’s difficult not to identify dialogue that needs upgrading.

3. On this re-reading, I elevated about 15 lines of dialogue. Here are 3 examples:

Example 1:

Anticipatory dialogue & dialogue from character profile: It’s an early scene and provides an opportunity for a statement of the movie’s principal theme. It is anticipatory because Lilia’s mission, later in the movie, precisely is to kill one of those drug users who caused the death of her daughter.

BEFORE: Lilia: “That’s no reason for killing a man!

AFTER: Lilia: “They just killed a man! Why don’t they kill the users, not the producers? That way they might stand a chance of winning their stupid war!”

Example 2:

Engaging banter: From the same scene, Lilia is just chatting with a neighbor as they watch a fentanyl lab being destroyed and one of the workers shot dead. This shows different perspectives on the same problem – the drug war.

BEFORE: Neighbor: “Bloody gringos!”

AFTER: Neighbor: “Don’t you get it? They don’t want this war to end.”

Example 3:

Scott Wolfson, who caused Marisol’s death, has been abducted and brought to Culiacán, so Lilia can take revenge for the death of her daughter. Lilia is thanking the men from the Cartel who delivered Scott.

BEFORE: Lilia: “Thanks again for getting him here safely.”

AFTER: Lilia: “Did you tell him this is a one-way trip?”

SARCASM as a sub-text pointer. Scott is never going back to the US.

END