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Lesson 10 Assignments
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6 Replies
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Elizabeth Dickinson’s Dialogue 7-8
What I learned doing this assignment is that I can create more depth with these techniques.
Dialogue As Action
1) Clu translates the word for ‘girls’ to the Roman soldiers, one of whom grabs his crotch. This telegraphs to the eavesdropping boys who don’t understand Latin that the village is in danger, and it’s not just about “finding boys to serve the emperor”.
2) The Roman Commander directs Sirius and Cletus to carry the twins Piran and Tyran. “You-and you – carry them”.
3) The Roman Commander directs Sirius to find a visual aide so other soldiers recognize that Celt is working for Rome. Sirius gives Celt an oroboros – a snake eating its own tail. That symbolizes that Celt is consuming himself by working for Rome, and later becomes a symbol of the voice inside himself that castigates him for working for Rome.
Dialogue as Subtext
1) Sirius doesn’t understand the difference between crows and ravens who look alike. Celt corrects him, and adds ‘they don’t like each other much’ which implies he and Piran look the same as Sirius, but they don’t like Sirius.
2) Celt questions Sirius about the egregious behavior of the other soldiers: “Is this your peace?” which is really an indictment of Sirius and Sirius’ attachment to Roman law.
3) In scene with Brigit and Taranis over what they’ve witnessed with Celt.
First version:
Unseen, Brigit and Taranis appear behind trees.
BRIGIT
Not going the way you’d hoped?
TARANIS
How do you know what I hope for?
BRIGIT
You’re only happy if there’s fighting.
TARANIS
Not true. But just wait. My time is coming.
BRIGIT
Just you wait. Dagda and Anu have agreed to a hearing.
Second version:
Unseen, Brigit and Taranis appear behind trees.
BRIGIT
Not going the way you’d hoped?
TARANIS
How do you know what I hope for?
BRIGIT
You’re only happy if there’s fighting.
TARANIS
Not true. Satisfaction is found in all kinds of violence.
BRIGIT
His father belonged to me. The boy should’ve belonged to-
Taranis laughs.
BRIGIT
The boy said it himself!
TARANIS
You’re right about one thing, my sweet. My best time with that boy is coming. (compliment, avoiding, continues as if nothing happened)
BRIGIT
Just you wait. Dagda and Anu have agreed to a hearing.
Hoping that all of this adds more depth to the scenes!
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Tim Barley’s Dialogue 7 + 8
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I was kind of doing this already when I was doing the previous assignments.
Dialogue as action:
I gave Feenix much more forceful dialogue that works better for her character.
Alex’s boss, Todd, gets much more action dialogue that showcases the back-and-forth relationship that exists between the two of them.
Subtext:
In the second conversation with Feenix and Allistar, I added in silences and changing of topics, jokes as subtext from Allistar as it was more in line with his “I don’t care about any of this” character.
It’s hard for me to keep track of the actual changes, but there are a LOT of the asterisks showing in my dialogue to the right of the page…
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Laurie Brown’s Dialogue 7-8
What I learned from doing this assignment is that very small changes in the dialogue add intrigue and open loops for later episodes and seasons.
GERI
SUBTEXT
Before : Really? So then the Army knows the real cause of mother’s death. After: Oh, really, father? Did the police stop you?Difference it makes: Subtext here is stronger than naming what she was talking about since it is not really clear before this that she caught on to that nuance. Mentioning police is a pointer to what she is talking about.
Before: Oh, no, no. Nothing is wrong
After: Oh, no, no. Nothing is wrong at least not since you returned.Difference: Adding not since you returned points to the fact that Leo had done something wrong before he returned. Also creates a mystery. Return from where? What?
Before: Leo, I’d like to promote you to a Secret Operative of the Dept. of Interior. You’ll remain a lieutenant, but will officially work for the federal government, not the Army.
After: Leo, I’d like to offer you a promotion. In this new position you will work for the federal government, not the Army.
Difference:
Before: So no one will know who I am?
After: How will I do my job?
Before: But that’s true now.
After: No one will know anything has changed.Difference: Before lays out where he works. Subtext points to a secret and a change of who he works for and implies it will be a secret.
ACTION
Before: I don’t know what you’re talking about Geraldine but I’ve just about had enough of your disrespect. I came her to wish you well, but you are your typical indolent self. Good luck with Lt. Dahnert.
After: Maybe Lt. Dahnert can knock some sense into you. I’m through worrying about you.
Difference: His action of changing the subject is much stronger. Plus. Knock some sense into you foreshadows a potential threat.
Before: GERI
Where did you get these pictures, Mrs. Johnson? MRS. JOHNSON
She wanted you to have them.
After: MRS. JOHNSON
She would’ve wanted you to have them.Difference: The before line, implies that Mrs. Johnson knew that Bonnie wanted her to give them to Geri. The second line is action dialogue because she is not answering the question by misdirecting the answer. This raises intrigue re: where did Mrs. Johnson get the pictures.
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3. Answer the question, “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.
I already use dialogue as action or subtext throughout the pilot. I’d never thought of dialogue as action in those terms, but I get your meaning. These lessons have given me ways to explain what I do instinctively already.
2. Tell us how that improved the dialogue and give us an example of the Before and After on each line.
Dialogue as action
Good news. You’re fired. (comes with bonus irony).
I changed “remove him” to “drag him out” which is more visceral for the line: Drag him out. I want people talking about it for weeks.
“You’re an ant, and I’m top of the food chain.”
Reinforces the action, while the villain humiliates the hero and kills his pet ants. It references both.
Dialogue as subtext.
She dumped me. Someone told Astrid about the company. She knew.
Maria stirs her drink and avoids eye contact, the subtext being Maria told Astrid.
She didn’t say goodbye. She sent some guy to pick up her stuff.
Subtext that Astrid didn’t even bother to say goodbye and has others do her dirty work like he is now beneath her.
Lipstick. Every time you wear it someone gets it in the nuts.
Subtext that Maria has violent tendencies, which often come our when she is dressed up and hit on by men. Further subtext that James knew she hadn’t betrayed him and still put Maria through a painful apology.
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Wendy Weising’s Dialogue 7 – 8
What I learned doing this assignment is that I needed to add more subtext pointers.
Dialogue Skill 7. Dialogue As Action
1. Original:
INT. TENT-DAY
Under a richly adorned tent, JANE MARCH, who is dressed in ancient armor, pores over a map. Her SECOND-IN-COMMAND startles her out of her intense concentration.
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
It’s time.
JANE
But we’re not ready.
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
Our people have been ready for years. They want this fight.
JANE
We’re not strong enough.
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
They may have better weapons, but our people will fight with everything they’ve got.
JANE
I don’t know how to lead.
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
You’re doing it already. Besides, you aren’t alone. If we wait any longer, the enemy will be attacking us, and we will lose all that we’ve gained.
JANE
What if–
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
No more excuses. We have to go.
Changed to:
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
It’s time.
JANE
But we’re not ready.
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
Our people want this fight.
JANE
We’re not strong enough.
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
They may have better weapons, but our people will fight with everything they’ve got.
JANE
What if–
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
Time for action. The enemy is here.
2. Original
INT. DR JONES’S BEDROOM-EVENING
Ava holds up different pairs of earrings, which Dr. Jones rejects. Nothing is right.
When her comm buzzes, she shoos Ava from the room and answers it. The four royal matriarchs of the Old Regime, her bosses, appear on screen. They greet one another.
PRESIDENT GEM LAN
Dr. Jones, we asked you to join us today for two reasons. First, a disturbing rumor has reached us of staff leaving the hospital and production being down. Would you like to comment on this?
DR. JONES
President Lan, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, production has increased, and our workers are very content.
PRESIDENT GEM LAN
That is good news. I knew that we could count on you. We will expect a full written report from you by next week. Now we come to the second reason. It has been brought to my attention that you will soon be past you mating years. We, the Old Regime and I, have decided that you must mate by the next lunar revolution or lose your position in the regime. Is this understood?
DR. JONES
Yes, president.
PRESIDENT GEM LAN
Very good. That is all.
Changed to:
INT. DR JONES’S BEDROOM-EVENING
Ava holds up different pairs of earrings, which Dr. Jones rejects. Nothing is right.
When her comm buzzes, she shoos Ava from the room and answers it. The four royal matriarchs of the Old Regime, her bosses, appear on screen. They greet one another.
PRESIDENT GEM LAN
Dr. Jones, we asked you to join us today for two reasons. First, a disturbing rumor has reached us of staff leaving the hospital and production being down. Since you’re in charge of Facility 1, any loss is on your head. If you can’t manage, tell us now, and we’ll replace you.
DR. JONES
President Lan, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, production has increased, and our workers are very content.
PRESIDENT GEM LAN
That is good news. I knew that we could count on you. We will expect a full written report from you by next week. Now we come to the second reason. It has been brought to my attention that you will soon be past your mating years. We, the Old Regime and I, have decided that you must mate by the next lunar revolution or lose your position in the regime. Is this understood?
DR. JONES
Yes, president.
PRESIDENT GEM LAN
Very good. If we don’t see a mating contract from you soon, we will proceed with your removal.
DR. JONES
As a matter of fact, I have a contract underway.
PRESIDENT GEM LAN
Really? With whom?
DR. JONES
Nol Zyn.
PRESIDENT GEM LAN
Perfect. Send the contract over.
DR. JONES
I will, president.
They are gone just like that.
3. Original:
Jane scoops up the child and tries to comfort her. The baby holds her arms out to the crib. Jane picks up a lamby–no, not the one. A doll? Nope. Finally, she gives her a neon pink bear, and the baby stops crying and snuggles with it. Jane hands the baby out the window.
Too late! The parents are now awake. Before they can say a word, Jane immobilizes them with a phaser. She checks their vitals. She pulls out her comm device.
JANE
This is JM62. I have two live adults ready for transport.
SOLDIER
(OS)
JM62, we will have transport to your location right away.
JANE
Thanks.
When she turns around, the parents have disappeared.
Changed to:
Jane scoops up the child and tries to comfort her. The baby holds her arms out to the crib. Jane picks up a lamby–no, not the one. A doll? Nope. Finally, she gives her a neon pink bear, and the baby stops crying and snuggles with it. Jane hands the baby out the window.
Too late! The parents are now awake. Before they can say a word, Jane immobilizes them with a phaser. She checks their vitals. She pulls out her comm device.
JANE
This is JM62. I have two live adults ready for transport.
SOLDIER
(OS)
JM62, it will be a few minutes before we can get a transport to you.
JANE
Then they’ll be dead.
SOLDIER
We can’t have that. Boss needs em alive. I’m redirecting transport 8 to you now.
JANE
Thanks.
Dialogue Skill 8. Subtext
1. Original
Dr. Jones rolls out a machine and begins to ultrasound Jane but stops when Dr. Zyn arrives with some flowers and a smile.
DR. JONES
What do you think you’re doing?
DR. ZYN
Just bringing flowers to the patients. It…it helps them.
DR. JONES
I haven’t seen these flowers in any of the other rooms.
DR. ZYN
There aren’t very many available, and I’m worried about her.
DR. JONES
I think we both know that it’s more than that. I’m going to nip this in the bud now. Nol Zyn, as the matriarch of this facility, I choose you as my rightful mate. We will mate tonight. Go and prepare my bedroom. You’ll need the flowers.
DR. ZYN
Wait. We didn’t even discuss this. I don’t want to be with you. I don’t love you. I will always love Jane. Someday, she’ll remember me.
DR. JONES
You don’t have to love me. I don’t need to discuss it with you. It’s my right. You may leave now.
Dr. Zyn shakes his head as he leaves.
Changed to:
Dr. Jones rolls out a machine and begins to ultrasound Jane but stops when Dr. Zyn arrives with some flowers and a smile.
DR. JONES
What do you think you’re doing?
DR. ZYN
Just bringing flowers to the patients. It…it helps them.
DR. JONES
I haven’t seen these flowers in any of the other rooms.
DR. ZYN
There aren’t very many available, and I’m worried about her.
DR. JONES
I think we both know that it’s more than that. I’m going to nip this in the bud now. Nol Zyn, as the matriarch of this facility, I choose you as my rightful mate. We will mate tonight. Go and prepare my bedroom. You’ll need the flowers.
DR. ZYN
Wait. We didn’t even discuss this. I don’t want to be with you. I don’t love you. I will always love Jane. Someday, she’ll remember me.
DR. JONES
You don’t have to love me. I don’t need to discuss it with you. It’s my right. You need to stop at surgery and get a treatment. You look peaky.
DR. ZYN
I’m fine.
DR. JONES
I know you hate even the thought of it, but you won’t survive if you don’t go.
DR. ZYN
Let me do it my way.
DR. JONES
No! Your way doesn’t work. I can’t have my future mate looking ill and dying. It’s bad for business.
DR. ZYN
That’s touching.
DR. JONES
Let me say it this way. You are the only one protecting Jane from me. If you die, she dies. Now go!
DR. ZYN
Fine. I’ll go.
Dr. Zyn shakes his head as he leaves.
2. Original
He comes back in. She gives him the coffee, but he sets it down and shoves her against the wall. He begins kissing her neck. She grimaces.
DAN (CONT’D)
We need to make up for the night we missed. I’ll be home early. Be ready.
JANE
I’m doing cartwheels.
DAN
What?
JANE
Just excited.
DAN
That’s my girl!
Changed to:
He comes back in. She gives him the coffee, but he sets it down and shoves her against the wall. He begins kissing her neck. She grimaces.
DAN (CONT’D)
We need to make up for the night we missed. I’ll be home early. Be ready.
JANE
I’m doing cartwheels.
DAN
What?
JANE
Just excited.
DAN
That’s my girl! I’ll miss you.
JANE
It’s only a few hours.
DAN
Right.
3. Original:
She finally calms down and adjusts her clothes. She pushes buttons on her comm, and her friends show up on screen.
DR. JONES (CONT’D)
Hello, darlings. Are you up for one of my parties?
KAI BENNA
Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss any party that you throw.
SU KRAKE
I’m in.
DOR LANZEE
Will Ava be there to entertain us?
Everyone laughs.
Changed to:
She finally calms down and adjusts her clothes. She pushes buttons on her comm, and her friends show up on screen.
DR. JONES (CONT’D)
Hello, darlings. Are you up for one of my parties? There’ll be entertainment and exotic food.
SU KRAKE
Who is the exotic food this week?
DR. JONES
That’s a surprise.
KAI BENNA
Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss any party that you throw.
DOR LANZEE
Will Ava be there to entertain us?
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Avi Kapurala’s Dialogue 7-8
What I learned doing this lesson is: using dialogue as action and subtext definitely increased the intrigue levels in many places in the pilot. They also helped create long-and-short term open loops.
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