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Lesson 10: Exchange Feedback on Cycle 2
Post your assignment for feedback. You can also put a request for a feedback partner in this feed.
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22 Replies
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Andrew’s rewrite QE Cycle 2 for critique:
LOGLINE: Nick and John argue and fight while rock climbing
ESSENCE: Nick’s in love with Jess; John is not.
EXT. ROCK FACE – DAY
A cliff face. High above the valley below.
A rope frays against a rock edge, as a climber below climbs up towards it.
The rope runs up to a pin higher up. A hand plays with the rope and pin…
The hand belongs rock climber, NICK [mid 20s]. He rests on a ledge as he waits for his companion to make the climb up to him.
Nick pulls away from his reverie as JOHN [mid 20s] appears over the ledge below him. He looks up at Nick.
JOHN
If I fell now, I’d be out of your way.
NICK
Yeah, I could make it look like an accident.
John eyes him from below.
JOHN
Is that why you brought me up here?
Nick indicates the rope tied to his harness, and pulls on it to show they’re connected. He leans forward.
NICK
Take my hand.
John ignores Nick.
He struggles to get a better grip, looking for a foothold under the ledge.
His foot slips.
Nick pulls back and braces with the rope for the fall.
John’s hanging on by his fingers.
NICK (CONT’D)
Lean back. Trust the rope. I’ve got it.
John refuses, trying to get a foothold.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Sure you have…
John tries again to get a foothold, but slips. Falls.
Nick braces as the rope jerks tight with John’s body weight. John only falls a foot or so, hanging in midair.
NICK
See? If I wanted you out of the way, I wouldn’t be this obvious.
John tries to reach the cliff face, but because of the ledge, he’s too far away.
JOHN
I can’t reach.
NICK
Swing yourself side to side.
The rope frays against the ledge, as John swings his body to get a hold of the rock face again.
John gets a grip on the cliff face again.
JOHN
I just can’t believe my best man wants to bang my fiance.
NICK
Do you want me to; cause that’s what it sounds like.
JOHN
Are you?
NICK
We’re friends. I introduced you two, remember? I dared you to ask her out.
John appears over the ledge again.
JOHN
Why did you bring up here, Nick?
NICK
Do you love her, or do you just want to bang her?
JOHN
What’s the difference?
NICK
There’s a difference… but, okay, you don’t trust her and you want to test her, right?
JOHN
Maybe.
NICK
So set up a date, I’ll arrive instead, give her a few drinks, have a good time, see if she wants a last fling before tying the knot.
Nick offers his hand.
NICK (CONT’D)
I’m trying to help.
John takes the helping hand this time and Nick hauls him onto the ledge, where he sits, getting his breath back.
NICK (CONT’D)
I won’t actually go through with it.
JOHN
How do I know that?
Nick studies the rock for the next leg of the climb, getting a hand hold.
NICK
You’ll just have to trust me.
He pulls himself upwards.
JOHN
I don’t. Not with Jess.
NICK
Yeah. If you don’t trust her, why you marrying her?
JOHN
I said I would.
NICK
That’s a shit reason.
Nick hammers a pin into the rock further up.
NICK (CONT’D)
Love and trust go together, like this rope and these pins, man. The one is useless without the other.
John starts to climb up after Nick.
JOHN
I’ll be a loyal husband.
NICK
Loyal like this rock – hard, unmovable, controlling…
John draws level with Nick, but this time he keeps climbing without looking at Nick.
NICK (CONT’D)
I don’t care what anyone says; if you don’t trust her – you don’t really love her.
JOHN
And I suppose you do.
Nick doesn’t answer.
John stops climbing; stares at Nick.
NICK
You’ve shown me you don’t love her; you don’t even know what love means.
JOHN
Shit. You really do want to bang her.
John’s free leg swings out, catching Nick under the jaw, sending him backwards off the cliff.
The rope tightens and Nick jerks to a halt.
John braces, but he has no pin to hold him this time, and Nick’s weight pulls him from the cliff face also.
John jerks to a halt also.
The rope on the ledge frays more as the men swing in mid air.
Both men now hanging a few feet from each other, trading blows in midair… as the rope frays further.
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Hey Andrew,
This is a strong scene with a great setting full of suspense and alternating hope/fear. I found all of the character traits, with John’s distrustful nature and Nick’s conniving trait warring with his giving trait being the most used. Where I struggled a bit was with ascertaining the essence. In the setup we get that Nick brought John up there to learn if John really loves Jess, but why he’s doing this wasn’t clear to me, although the essence statement says it’s because Nick loves Jess. He wants John to let him test Jess’s fidelity as a way of testing Jess’s love for him or for John’s love for her? Or is he just manipulating John into admitting he proposed to Jess but doesn’t really love her and he is only going through with it because of his loyalty trait? (I struggled with what seemed like these contradictions, too.) Maybe if you started the scene with a text from Jess to Nick that she’s worried she’s making a mistake and needs his help to know what to do or ended the scene with a stronger line than John’s “Shit. You really do want to bang her” to express that John has a character change but it’s probably too late.
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FEEDBACK for Andrew’s rewrite QE Cycle 2 with marked character traits and Interest Techniques:
Hi Andrew,
I really loved your setting, it put me in the scene and had me on edge! I hope the following suggestions support the full arc of your characters.
I noticed you had the characters speaking to the others’ subtext more than the characters expressing their own-you might want to strengthen the scene by shifting this.
Also, John’s character trait of being daring doesn’t seem to show up till the end, when he dares to push Nick off the cliff. Consider emphasizing your Interest Techniques, this may help dramatize the situation even more. Maybe you could add a few others, such as superior position and radical character changes.
Please let me know if this critique is positive and helpful,
Shelley
LOGLINE: Nick and John argue and fight while rock climbing
ESSENCE: Nick’s in love with Jess; John is not.
EXT. ROCK FACE – DAY
A cliff face. High above the valley below.
A rope frays against a rock edge, as a climber below climbs up towards it. (Suspense)
The rope runs up to a pin higher up. A hand plays with the rope and pin…
The hand belongs rock climber, NICK [mid 20s]. He rests on a ledge as he waits for his companion to make the climb up to him.
Nick pulls away from his reverie as JOHN [mid 20s] appears over the ledge below him. He looks up at Nick.
JOHN
If I fell now, I’d be out of your way.
NICK
Yeah, I could make it look like an accident. (Conniving)
John eyes him from below.
JOHN
Is that why you brought me up here? (distrustful) (Nicks subtext)
Nick indicates the rope tied to his harness, and pulls on it to show they’re connected. He leans forward.
NICK
Take my hand. (Giving)
John ignores Nick. (distrustful)
He struggles to get a better grip, looking for a foothold under the ledge. (loner) (Uncertainty)
His foot slips. (Suspense)
Nick pulls back and braces with the rope for the fall.
John’s hanging on by his fingers.
NICK (CONT’D)
Lean back. Trust the rope. I’ve got it. (confidence)
John refuses, trying to get a foothold.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Sure you have…(distrustful)
John tries again to get a foothold, but slips. Falls.
Nick braces as the rope jerks tight with John’s body weight. John only falls a foot or so, hanging in midair.
NICK
See? If I wanted you out of the way, I wouldn’t be this obvious. (conniving)
John tries to reach the cliff face, but because of the ledge, he’s too far away.
JOHN
I can’t reach.
NICK
Swing yourself side to side.
The rope frays against the ledge, as John swings his body to get a hold of the rock face again.(suspense)
John gets a grip on the cliff face again.
JOHN
I just can’t believe my best man wants to bang my fiance. (distrustful) (subtext) (betrayal)
NICK
Do you want me to; cause that’s what it sounds like. (subtext)
JOHN
Are you?
NICK
We’re friends. I introduced you two, remember? I dared you to ask her out.
John appears over the ledge again.
JOHN
Why did you bring up here, Nick? (Nick’s subtext)
NICK
Do you love her, or do you just want to bang her?
JOHN
What’s the difference?
NICK
There’s a difference… but, okay, you don’t trust her and you want to test her, right?
JOHN
Maybe.
NICK
So set up a date, I’ll arrive instead, give her a few drinks, have a good time, see if she wants a last fling before tying the knot. (conniving)
Nick offers his hand.(giving)
NICK (CONT’D) (giving)
I’m trying to help.
John takes the helping hand this time and Nick hauls him onto the ledge, where he sits, getting his breath back.
NICK (CONT’D)
I won’t actually go through with it.
JOHN
How do I know that?(distrustful)
Nick studies the rock for the next leg of the climb, getting a hand hold.
NICK
You’ll just have to trust me.
He pulls himself upwards.
JOHN
I don’t. Not with Jess.
NICK
Yeah. If you don’t trust her, why you marrying her?
JOHN
I said I would. (loyal)
NICK
That’s a shit reason. (rebellious)
Nick hammers a pin into the rock further up.
NICK (CONT’D)
Love and trust go together, like this rope and these pins, man. The one is useless without the other.
John starts to climb up after Nick.
JOHN
I’ll be a loyal husband. (loyal)
NICK
Loyal like this rock – hard, unmovable, controlling…
John draws level with Nick, but this time he keeps climbing without looking at Nick.
NICK (CONT’D)
I don’t care what anyone says; if you don’t trust her – you don’t really love her. (rebellios)
JOHN
And I suppose you do.
Nick doesn’t answer.
John stops climbing; stares at Nick.
NICK
You’ve shown me you don’t love her; you don’t even know what love means.
JOHN
Shit. You really do want to bang her. (Betrayal)
John’s free leg swings out, catching Nick under the jaw, sending him backwards off the cliff. (surprise)
The rope tightens and Nick jerks to a halt.
John braces, but he has no pin to hold him this time, and Nick’s weight pulls him from the cliff face also. (suspense)
John jerks to a halt also.
The rope on the ledge frays more as the men swing in mid air. (Uncertainty)
Both men now hanging a few feet from each other, trading blows in midair… as the rope frays further.
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Andrew, with respect to the comment you made on my thread about Nick’s discovering he loves her during the scene is difficult. Wouldn’t it require a different setup? Nick’s first line is how he could make John’s fall look like an accident. Even conniving guy who is also giving, would he threaten to murder John if he didn’t love her? Maybe, if you rework Nick’s line at the end of the scene from “You’ve shown me you don’t love her; you don’t even know what love means” to “You’ve shown me you don’t love her, and since I now know how much I do, you’ve left me no choice…”
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Hi Mary, yes, you may be right… And if you’re producing the movie, you’re absolutely right and I can make that work for sure 🙂
Jokes aside, yes, I see your point – and the final lines don’t have enough punch. Yet. Thank you for taking the time to give me extra feedback.
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AUDREY
LESSON 10: QE CYCLE 2 – EXCHANGE FEEDBACK
LOGLINE: A rich Asian benefactor’s most precious heirloom has been stolen from a museum gallery in his family’s name. The real culprit is the last person he’d suspect.
ESSENCE: When what appears to be the truth could really be a lie.
INT. MUSEUM ROTUNDA – DAY
JOHN ABARA, uniformed Security Guard, late 40’s, white, is in lock step with MIRA YANG, beautiful, African-American in her 30’s, and she’s all business. They’re hastily approaching…
FROM JOHN AND MIRA’S POV
POLICE. CAMERA FLASHES. PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE making notes, FORENSICS, in latex gloves and, evidence collection kits, all milling around.
BACK TO MIRA
MIRA
As you can imagine, Mr. Yang is very upset. But there’s nothing that ties you to any of this. Don’t let my husband rattle you… He’s very good at that! You’ll be fine. Just stick to your story.
JOHN
(South African accent)
My story? It’s not a story. It’s the truth!
They share a look.
MIRA
Good!
A hint of a smile creeps across Mira’s lips, as they march toward to commotion.
INT. MUSEUM YANG GALLERY – CONINUOUS
Asian and African Artifacts displayed side by side. Pottery. Paintings. Gold vessels. Masks. Vases. A broken Glass Display Case, surrounded by investigators.
NICK YANG, handsome Asian, 40’s, Brook Brothers styled, intensely studies the empty Glass Display Case, dusted in Forensic white powder. TWO BODYGUARDS, flank Nick. As the commotion thins out… John and Mira enter. She stealthily stands to one side.
Nick, sees John, and jesters for the Two Bodyguards to leave. They exit.
NICK
John! Sorry, I don’t recall your last name.
JOHN
Abara!
NICK
Abara! Where are you from? I mean the accent.
JOHN
I’m from South Africa!
Nick walks around the gallery studying the artifacts as though he’s seeing it all for the very first time.
MEANWHILE
NICK
Tell me about yourself, John.
JOHN
You know me! I’ve worked here for 11 years.
NICK
And?…
A BEAT as John register’s it’s not the answer Nick wants.
JOHN
I work this wing of the museum and mostly assigned to this gallery.
NICK
Ah, there it is! You know this wing! Every artifact. Every exit. Alley way. Every curator.
JOHN
I told the detectives everything I know.
NICK
See, I don’t think you did!
John says nothing.
Nick turns to John and their eyes lock.
NICK
Here’s what I know about you! You’ve never taken a sick day in 11 years… no family or personal time.
JOHN
That’s right!
NICK
Except the day of the robbery.
John says nothing.
NICK
Here’s the other thing I know about you… you once ran into a burning building and saved a man you didn’t even know. That shows courage… Someone who’s willing to take risk…
JOHN
I’m no fool! I could see my way in. And clearly see the way out!
As Nick digests the comment, he moves close to John.
NICK
Smart!
JOHN
Mr. Yang. I lead a simple life. I come to work. Do my job. And go home and feed my cat.
Nick, clearly growing agitated, starts pacing…
NICK
The Bronze African Mask is an ancient artifact that belongs to my family, dating back to the 6th Century.
( clearly agitated)
A rare historical find! It’s evidence that trade occurred between two continents… China and
NICK (CONT’D)
Africa! It’s an Asian treasure, important to me…
Turns to Mira.
NICK
To us!
JOHN
What’d you want from me?
Nick gets in John’s face…
NICK
(yells)
I WANT IT BACK!
(growing angrier)
We all know if there’s a roach in this gallery that doesn’t belong, you’ll know it! Hard to believe a rat enters, case the gallery and you have no clue! I’m giving a way out!… Name your price! And make something of your life with your fuckin’ cat!
Mira rushes to Nick’s side… grabs his arm.
MIRA
Nick, that’s enough!
She pulls away.
The Two Bodyguards rush in, accessing the moment.
JOHN
NICK! Here’s the difference between me and you… I don’t stay up at night worrying about my big losses, or how to trust, or who wants me because of who I am.
Nick rushes to John. One Bodyguards steps in front of John.
JOHN
And here’s what I know about you! The heist goes underground and may never be discovered. But someone will be rich!
(whispering)
Here’s the best part!
JOHN (CONT’D)
Priceless stolen art have hefty insurance payouts. Either way… I see that as a win, win!
Their eyes lock.
Nick balls his fist.
NICK
(furious)
I will squeeze you like a rotten grape — if you’re involved.
John starts walking out…
JOHN
(overlapping, calls back)
— Mate, take one for the team!
It may wind up in Africa!
John stops. Peers at Nick.
JOHN
Like a gift-back for all the stolen art that ends up in galleries!
He looks at Mira. Then, he walks away.
END OF ACT
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Hey Audrey, some quick thoughts on your scene.
I think you did a good job with some of the interest techniques – John and Mira clearly have something going on, so that creates suspense, and hope/fear that he won’t get rattled by Nick. That works fine.
Where I think it still needs development is in traits and subtext – so Nick is aggressive at some points, rather than conniving. I would argue if he’s confident, he wouldn’t swear and shout at John. I think he could be smarter in setting john up to confess something so that he gets a payout. It’s John’s distrust that saves him. This is a neat situation, but I never felt like it was a genuine [conniving] offer, nor that John was ever tempted to actually say something that could incriminate him.
John has clearly been daring, and is daring in this discussion, although also confident. Would he be distrustful of Mira? Perhaps he’s loyal to her, but we don’t know why… maybe that’s back story we don’t need. His back story tells us he’s a loner. Arguably he tricks Nick into showing his worst side, but it came across as Nick’s traits to me more than being tricked.
So, I think the elements are all there, but still needing some polish to avoid misinterpretation of the traits and subtext.
Hope that helps 🙂
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Hi Andrew,
<font face=”inherit”>Thank you for your comments. I can see all your points and am in total agreement. I’m still working on capturing the relationship between subtext and the expression of it in the dialogue/action. I don’t yet have it “down.” And I think until that time, I may </font>not be<font face=”inherit”> helpful in offering direction to anyone in my group. I’m looking forward to the “breakthrough” in this area. Thank you once again.</font>
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Hi Audrey,
None of us have it ‘down’ – that’s why we’re doing the course. All feedback is helpful, even if just a little. Besides, we’re all audience, so we all have an impression from what we read, and that’s valid.
And we don’t have to agree with the feedback we receive, but it’s still helpful to get us thinking through the skills and how the audience may be interpreting a scene.
Don’t give up 🙂
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Shelley’s rewrite QE Cycle #2 for critique:
LOGLINE: After his client dies on the mountain, John, the ski instructor implicated, must prove Nick is the one the investigator is looking for before it’s too late.
ESSENCE: A lone wolf must rely on friendship in order to reveal the truth.
SCENE: INT. GONDOLA RESTAURANT AT THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN
Small groups of skiers huddle nursing steaming hot toddies inside a dining hall. Tall windows frame high mountain peaks as the snowstorm rages.
Two men enter, stomping ice from their bright-colored ski boots. It is clear from the ease of their movement they spend their lives on the steep slopes. Their somber faces are deeply weathered. Pins on their jackets show their names and job titles.
NICK, (29) a large Nordic ski instructor navigates through rows of empty tables. JOHN, (36), a patrolman, hangs back, his pale blue eyes sharply scanning the room. Prompted by Nick, John follows with a cautious wolfish stride.
NICK (28) (waiting for John to catch up)
Hey man, let’s get a back table. We need to get your story straight.
Metal chairs scraping on concrete as they sit down. Nick, leaning back his chair, slyly surveys the environment, John glares at Nick.
NICK (CON’T)
Look, the investigator is due any minute, and I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.
JOHN
Why are you worrying about me, dude, it’s not your business, I can work this out.
NICK
Hey, look around you, do you see anyone else who’s got your back?
Stop trying to do it yourself, this is serious, let me help. (laughing) I’ll put money down for your bail.
JOHN
I’ve always been there for you, but, come on, you’ve got to be kidding… and I’m to believe you, with your past deceptions?NICK
Those were the old days, long past, I couldn’t have gotten on the ski patrol if I was still drinking.
JOHN
Yeah, right. The truth. I wonder who’d you pay off? You know full on it is always the same, one beer, and you’re in the hole again. And you’re a cheating drunk.
NICK
5 years sober last Wednesday.
JOHN
Well, I’ve been hearing otherwise.
NICK (caught in his lie)
Fuck ‘em if they can’t take it!
JOHN
Look, a million bucks say you had something to do with it—time to take off the Superman suit. Is it any coincidence you arrived even before I called a code red? I’m railroaded because I left my jacket to keep the old guy warm. You were still there when I left skiing down the gnarliest conditions to arrange for the ambulance.
LUCY (21) comes out of the kitchen all dolled up, dressed in a chef’s apron.
LUCY
Hey boys. What’s up lover-(kisses Nick). You guys still at it?
JOHN
Hey Luce. (turns back to Nick) You moonlight for the guy. I wouldn’t have taken him up the mountain if I knew he was sick. Nick, you know more than you tell and wanting more from the old guy.
NICK
God help you. You’ll need help with your storytelling if you want to get out of this one because you knew he couldn’t do a black diamond.
JOHN
Hey man (putting his arm on Nick’s), how would I have known he couldn’t do a black diamond…maybe it’s time to tell the truth behind your story.
NICK
Lucy, will you please set this loner straight?
LUCY (lightheartedly, with a quick conspiratorial smile)
John, I was with Nick, don’t you remember? Sure, it was foggy towards the bottom of the mountain, with two feet of fresh powder at the top. People were having fun. Hey, I’m going to see you later in the kitchen for tonight’s function, right? You promised.
NICK
What’s going on here? (jokingly) John, you have my permission to take my lady into the kitchen.
JOHN
Are you jealous? Look, I committed to helping Luce in the kitchen before all this happened. But we’re not done with this conversation. There’s something off here, and I will find out what it is.
Nick grabs Lucy around the waist and pulls her close, revealing tattoos on her arm.
JOHN
Hey, wait a minute… that’s it! Luce, that last ink you got says it- the one Nick really didn’t like – what does it say?
NICK (interrupting)
What are you talking about? Leave her out of this!
JOHN
Luce, you know something, I can see it in your eyes. (Lucy looks away, throwing a casual glance at Nick)
NICK
Her name is Lucy. (turns to Lucy) I don’t know how you put up with this guy. Doesn’t trust anybody, not even his friends. There’s no evidence, John. They are not going to put you in jail.
JOHN
I’m taking a big risk here. The patrol does the trail checks and handles the mountain signage, but the sign was missing. The old man was ahead of me and didn’t know it was a black diamond until he dropped in. By then it was too late.
NICK
(quickly start leading Lucy away) Come on, Hun, let’s leave this loser. Once a loner, always a loner.
LUCY
Nick, enough. I have proof of your involvement. I found this note in the snow after they took the old man down in the gurney. Don’t you recognize it? This is the note you gave the old man, it must have fallen out of his pocket that day.
(NICK turns to Lucy) Sweetie, you must be mistaken. I’ve never seen this note, in fact…
JOHN
Admit it Nick? You are a conniving asshole. You knew the old guy was sick. You set this up.
LUCY
Nick, I ain’t going anywhere with you unless you admit this whole thing was another one of your schemes. The note proves it.
NICK
(laughing) Oh yeah, right, I admit nothing.Nick suddenly whips around, grabbing John by the neck.
NICK CON’T)
Why, you worthless piece of shit! I hope they hang you!
JOHN
Hey, you’d be wise to let go schmuck- and look around you. Meet ALL MY friends.NICK
You ain’t got no friends, dude.
A group of ski patrolmen gathers, with other locals menacingly encircling Nick. Trying one more time to side-punch John, John dodges the blow. Nick, missing, is thrown off balance, and slips, cracking his head on the nearby ski rack. Trapped, eyes wild, blood streams down his face.
The gang of locals jumps in, grabbing Nick. Cackling loudly, they hang him by his parka on the ski rack. The crowd cheers John on as the investigative team arrives. In a full curtsy, Lucy hands the implicating note to the investigator in charge.
JOHN (admiringly, turns towards Lucy)
It’s about time…thanks, Luce, I couldn’t have done it without you… and the gang.
John gives her a hot kiss on the lips, lifting her arm, showing her tattoo, “THE TRUTH REVEALS ALL.”
LUCY (reaching for John’s hand)
Come on babe, let’s go, we got a flock to feed tonight. (Turning towards Nick) Hell, he’s finally gonna to get more than just hanging on the rack.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Shelley darling.
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Hi Shelley,
I noted the character traits and interest techniques in the scene as I read
Shelley’s rewrite QE Cycle #2 for critique:
LOGLINE: After his client dies on the mountain, John, the ski instructor implicated, must prove Nick is the one the investigator is looking for before it’s too late. Note: I don’t understand who is who —
NICK, (29) a large Nordic ski instructor navigates through rows of empty tables. JOHN, (36), a patrolman, hangs back, his pale blue eyes sharply scanning the room. Prompted by Nick, John follows with a cautious wolfish stride. Note: he logline says John is the ski instructor?
JOHN
Why are you worrying about me, dude, it’s not your business, I can work this out. Note: Loner trait
NICK
Hey, look around you, do you see anyone else who’s got your back? Note: Disagreeing – Conniving?
Stop trying to do it yourself, this is serious, let me help. (laughing) I’ll put money down for your bail. Note: Giving but he’s not serious about it
JOHN
I’ve always been there for you, but, come on, you’ve got to be kidding… and I’m to believe you, with your past deceptions? Note: Distrustful but LoyalNICK
Those were the old days, long past, I couldn’t have gotten on the ski patrol if I was still drinking.
JOHN
Yeah, right. The truth. I wonder who’d you pay off? You know full on it is always the same, one beer, and you’re in the hole again. And you’re a cheating drunk. Note: Confrontational – to get Nick to show his worst side but the thing about drinking seems to come out of the blue.
NICK
5 years sober last Wednesday.
JOHN
Well, I’ve been hearing otherwise.
NICK (caught in his lie)
Fuck ‘em if they can’t take it! – Note: rebellious
JOHN
Look, a million bucks say you had something to do with it—time to take off the Superman suit. Is it any coincidence you arrived even before I called a code red? I’m railroaded because I left my jacket to keep the old guy warm. You were still there when I left skiing down the gnarliest conditions to arrange for the ambulance. Note: Unsure of trait here. I don’t understand the Superman remark.
LUCY (21) comes out of the kitchen all dolled up, dressed in a chef’s apron.
LUCY
Hey boys. What’s up lover-(kisses Nick). You guys still at it? Note: Didn’t they just come in?
JOHN
Hey Luce. (turns back to Nick) You moonlight for the guy. I wouldn’t have taken him up the mountain if I knew he was sick. Nick, you know more than you tell and wanting more from the old guy. Note: Confused. Why would a patrolman take an old guy up the mountain?
NICK
God help you. You’ll need help with your storytelling if you want to get out of this one because you knew he couldn’t do a black diamond. Note: Conniving trait, but I’m still confused about what was John’s involvement before the accident happened.
JOHN
Hey man (putting his arm on Nick’s), how would I have known he couldn’t do a black diamond…maybe it’s time to tell the truth behind your story. Note: As a patrolman why wouldn’t he know that it was very dangerous?
NICK
Lucy, will you please set this loner straight? Note: Telling us the loner trait – dialogue doesn’t follow from above.
LUCY (lightheartedly, with a quick conspiratorial smile)
John, I was with Nick, don’t you remember? Sure, it was foggy towards the bottom of the mountain, with two feet of fresh powder at the top. People were having fun. Hey, I’m going to see you later in the kitchen for tonight’s function, right? You promised.
NICK
What’s going on here? (jokingly) John, you have my permission to take my lady into the kitchen.
JOHN
Are you jealous? Look, I committed to helping Luce in the kitchen before all this happened. But we’re not done with this conversation. There’s something off here, and I will find out what it is.
Nick grabs Lucy around the waist and pulls her close, revealing tattoos on her arm. Note: Intentional or incidental reveal. Mislead?
JOHN
Hey, wait a minute… that’s it! Luce, that last ink you got says it- the one Nick really didn’t like – what does it say?
NICK (interrupting)
What are you talking about? Leave her out of this!
JOHN
Luce, you know something, I can see it in your eyes. (Lucy looks away, throwing a casual glance at Nick)
NICK
Her name is Lucy. (turns to Lucy) I don’t know how you put up with this guy. Doesn’t trust anybody, not even his friends. There’s no evidence, John. They are not going to put you in jail. Note: I don’t understand where this is coming from.
JOHN
I’m taking a big risk here. The patrol does the trail checks and handles the mountain signage, but the sign was missing. The old man was ahead of me and didn’t know it was a black diamond until he dropped in. By then it was too late. Note: Seems to disagree with what he said above.
NICK
(quickly start leading Lucy away) Come on, Hun, let’s leave this loser. Once a loner, always a loner. Note: Another loner comment.
LUCY
Nick, enough. I have proof of your involvement. I found this note in the snow after they took the old man down in the gurney. Don’t you recognize it? This is the note you gave the old man, it must have fallen out of his pocket that day.
(NICK turns to Lucy) Sweetie, you must be mistaken. I’ve never seen this note, in fact…
JOHN
Admit it Nick? You are a conniving asshole. You knew the old guy was sick. You set this up.
LUCY
Nick, I ain’t going anywhere with you unless you admit this whole thing was another one of your schemes. The note proves it.
NICK
(laughing) Oh yeah, right, I admit nothing.Nick suddenly whips around, grabbing John by the neck.
NICK CON’T)
Why, you worthless piece of shit! I hope they hang you!
JOHN
Hey, you’d be wise to let go schmuck- and look around you. Meet ALL MY friends.NICK
You ain’t got no friends, dude.
A group of ski patrolmen gathers, with other locals menacingly encircling Nick. Trying one more time to side-punch John, John dodges the blow. Nick, missing, is thrown off balance, and slips, cracking his head on the nearby ski rack. Trapped, eyes wild, blood streams down his face.
The gang of locals jumps in, grabbing Nick. Cackling loudly, they hang him by his parka on the ski rack. The crowd cheers John on as the investigative team arrives. In a full curtsy, Lucy hands the implicating note to the investigator in charge.
JOHN (admiringly, turns towards Lucy)
It’s about time…thanks, Luce, I couldn’t have done it without you… and the gang.
John gives her a hot kiss on the lips, lifting her arm, showing her tattoo, “THE TRUTH REVEALS ALL.”
LUCY (reaching for John’s hand)
Come on babe, let’s go, we got a flock to feed tonight. (Turning towards Nick) Hell, he’s finally gonna to get more than just hanging on the rack.
Summary: I found all of the character traits but John’s “daring” trait. Interest techniques: I found suspense, a twist when John reveals he has friends, one of whom is Nicks’ girlfriend, so that’s a betrayal, and I was intrigued to learn what was going on between these guys!
However, I struggled to understand Nick’s motivation. From his subtext, we know that he loves manipulating people, but I wanted to know why (because of his giving trait) that he would have taken advantage of a sick old man on a dangerous ski slope? Is he that evil, or was he drinking? Is that what John was trying to get him to admit? And why is Nick pretending to help John get off the hook if he knows he’s is the one who is guilty? Because he’s so confident? I didn’t catch that, but it makes sense.
— ESSENCE: A lone wolf must rely on friendship in order to reveal the truth
Maybe rethink this essence? John is a loner who relies on his friends to reveal that Nick is responsible requires John to have had a character change prior to this scene. We don’t get to see how he got all these friends to come to his aid so it’s a total surprise. John knows the truth about the note from Lucy so his subtext is to trick Nick into showing his worst side – which he does, but not because of his distrust of people anymore.
Maybe have Lucy read the note before the guys enter to create dramatic irony?
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hi Shelley,
Thanks for your feedback on my scene – appreciated. And helpful, yes. It’s hard to make every element work.
Yes, I did try to use the other character to indicate the trait of the ‘other’ character as a technique. Not ideal, I think, as you pointed out, but it can be helpful sometimes. Thank you for showing where the traits and subtext emerged in the scene for you. Nice to know some of it is coming through 🙂
To your scene: I love the essence idea, really, but like Mary points out, it’s not yet reading in the scene. I find I add a new technique and something else gets lost – perhaps that happened to you. As Mary has gone through the scene I won’t do that as well.
I found the scene intriguing – there was a mystery to be solved and this kept me engaged. Both characters seemed to be after something which was interesting, but the payoff at the end was not clear – Mary mentioned Nick’s motivation. Is he seeking a confession, or looking for something to cover up whatever he needs covered up maybe?
My impressions of the characters:
Nick’s confidence and conniving nature comes through; also his giving in places. And he’s still drinking on the job, so rebellioius – well done:)
John is daring – being a ski instructor taking risks; clearly distrustful. Loyal? I guess he was in relation to his client, and to Lucy in a way. It’s not clear he’s a loner, but it’s implied in that nobody greets him initially. I can easily believe that even though a loner, he’s seen by others as a loyal member of the team.
Interest techniques – slow reveal of information was effective; there is a major twist and Nick changes radically to reveal his true self; there’s hope/fear as we wonder who’s in the wrong here. I wonder if this scene could have been played out on the slopes, waiting for the investigators to come up to the body? Not sure Lucy could have been included, but maybe she’s another instructor or something like that.
Hope that helps 🙂 Well done.
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Hi Shelley
Because you already got feedback from others, I am trying a new approach: I point out some elements where I think you could heighten the traits… these are just suggestions. I like the scene, but I also think you have a lot of potentials to strengthen the interest techniques simply by cutting the part of the sentences where they say the obvious things.
Here are some examples of heightening the interest technique and traits.
NICK (28) (waiting for John to catch up)
Hey man, let’s get a back table. We need to get your story straight. (Potential for more suspense with more subtext than saying what it’s all about)NICK (CON’T)
Look, the investigator is due any minute, and I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. (same)JOHN
Why are you worrying about me, dude, it’s not your business, I can work this out. (same)JOHN
Yeah, right. The truth. I wonder who’d you pay off? You know full on it is always the same, one beer, and you’re in the hole again. And you’re a cheating drunk. (Potential to shorten to make surprise stronger)JOHN
Hey Luce. (turns back to Nick) You moonlight for the guy. I wouldn’t have taken him up the mountain if I knew he was sick. Nick, you know more than you tell and wanting more from the old guy. (Potential for more intrigue by just making allusion than saying it out loud, could also add the trait of John’s distrustfulness).JOHN
Are you jealous? Look, I committed to helping Luce in the kitchen before all
this happened. But we’re not done with this conversation. There’s something off
here, and I will find out what it is. (Potential
for more intrigue with more subtext than saying what it’s all about).JOHN
Hey, wait a minute… that’s it! Luce, that last ink you got says it- the one
Nick really didn’t like – what does it say? (To heighten suspens and intrigue:
Maybe have John just says: your last ink… )NICK (interrupting)
<div>
What are you talking about? Leave her out of this! (Potential for more
intrigue, just keep: Leave her out of this!)</div><div>etc.
Keep elevating – good luck!
</div>
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Madeleind Gentinetta.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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Logline: John desperately wants to get his hands on the rare plant that Nick has in his possession
Essence: John will do anything to rebuild his reputation but he needs Nick to provide him with the means
Expression: Nick and John bargain over the plant until both they learn Maggie may have betrayed them both
EXT. BOTANICAL GARDENS, FT. LAUDERDALE – DAY
Lush tropical plants and palm trees line a walkway along the beach.
JOHN, 54, rugged individualist specializing in rare plant identification, paces impatiently, vaping. He checks his watch.
JOHN
Damn you, Nick, can’t you ever be on time?
He takes a long drag on the e-cigarette, and notices out of the corner of his eye–
The BUSHES are moving. He strides over and separates the branches.
NICK, 45, explorer and trader in rare flora and fauna, is down on all fours. He shushes John with a finger over his lips.
JOHN
What are you doing down there?
NICK
Spotted an iguana. Thought you’d want me to nab him. Little buggers will eat their weight in your precious mangoes —
JOHN
Iguana, my ass. You were sneaking up on me.
NICK
I was doing you a favor, man.
JOHN
if anything, you saw fruit rat. They’re everywhere. Admit it. You were skulking, about to pull one of your screwball stunts.
Nick bats the brush. An iguana scurries up a tree.
NICK
When are you going to learn you can trust me?
JOHN
Cut the crap. I haven’t got all day. Where is it?
NICK
Where’s what?
JOHN
My plant!
NICK
First things first, let’s come to terms on my commission.
JOHN
You want me to set a dollar amount? If it’s what you say it is, and I get the jump in id’ing it before everyone else —
NICK
85,000.
JOHN
I’ll give you 15,000.
NICK
50.
JOHN
20 and not a dollar more.
NICK
And you’ll pay up? In dollars not pesos?
JOHN
I’m not like you. My word is my bond.
NICK
(laughing)
Okay, then in the spirit of keeping our beautiful friendship alive… You’ve got a deal.
Nick grabs him by the shoulders, looks him straight in the eye.
JOHN
I’ll have the money for you tomorrow at noon. You be here with it.
NICK
I’ll have the specimen, but not here. Somewhere private.
JOHN
My beach house then.
NICK
You think I’d take it through customs? Have the Feds confiscate it? No way.
JOHN
You know goddamn well I’m not allowed to leave the country. They took my passport– The one time I trusted cost me everything! You owe me. here, tomorrow, or the deal is off.
NICK
Baloney. You need this. You need me.
JOHN
I don’t need anyone!
NICK
You needed Maggie! You’re still blaming me because you lost her. She was ready to split, man. Because you married to your job and your reputation.
JOHN
She was everything to me! You stole her, sweet talked her with your lies! You manipulated us both and now you’re going to set it right.
NICK
You think you can order me around! I’ve got two other bidders in play. I was just going to give you the first crack at it. We’re through here.
John grabs his arm. Nick whips around, pulls a knife.
JOHN
Once again, you were playing me for a chump. Maggie called last night. Told me you struck out with those other buyers. I’m your last play.
John maneuvers around Nick, closely watching the hand with the knife.
NICK
Well, whatta you know.
JOHN
Do we have a deal or not?
NICK
Seems our girl is playing us both for chumps.
JOHN
No! She’s through with you. Learned who’s the better man. She wants to get back to me.
NICK
She has the plant, man. I’d say she has another fish on the line, and you’re gonna get another Dear John letter…
John lunges for Nick. Knife goes flying.
Close on IGUANA in tree, watching the men fight.
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Feedback for Mary Stoner QE2
Hi Mary,
You have a potent set-up with the location in the botanical gardens. John’s vaping and pacing begin the scene with suspense and intrigue. After reading through the scene, I thought what might add to the setting is to start either at dawn or dusk, possibly adding a bit of added suspense immediately, as it would take place before the gardens open or after closing, immediately letting the audience know something’s up.
The Essence says, “John will do anything to rebuild his reputation.” I suggest giving this more attention to show how John does this, empowering the scene’s essence.
Wow. Maggie has betrayed them both! I would have liked to see her in the scene, get to know her, and see/feel more directly how she accomplishes this. It would add juice, and then the guys would have to respond before the fight. (It could also allow for other Interest techniques)
I hope this inspires you- great work!
Shelley
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Logline: John desperately wants to get his hands on the rare plant that Nick has in his possession
Essence: John will do anything to rebuild his reputation but he needs Nick to provide him with the means
Expression: Nick and John bargain over the plant until both they learn Maggie may have betrayed them both
EXT. BOTANICAL GARDENS, FT. LAUDERDALE – DAY
Lush tropical plants and palm trees line a walkway along the beach.
JOHN, 54, rugged individualist specializing in rare plant identification, paces impatiently, vaping. He checks his watch.
JOHN
Damn you, Nick, can’t you ever be on time? [SUSPENSE; MAYBE DISTRUSTFUL]
He takes a long drag on the e-cigarette, and notices out of the corner of his eye–
The BUSHES are moving. He strides over and separates the branches.
NICK, 45, explorer and trader in rare flora and fauna, is down on all fours. He shushes John with a finger over his lips. [REBELLIOUS – HE’S LATE AND DOING SOMETHING…]
JOHN
What are you doing down there?
NICK
Spotted an iguana. Thought you’d want me to nab him. Little buggers will eat their weight in your precious mangoes — [CONNIVING/CONFIDENT/REBELLIOUS/ GIVING – TAKE YOUR PICK :)]
JOHN
Iguana, my ass. You were sneaking up on me. [DISTRUSTFUL]
NICK
I was doing you a favor, man. [GIVING]
JOHN
if anything, you saw fruit rat. They’re everywhere. Admit it. You were skulking, about to pull one of your screwball stunts. [DISTRUSTFUL]
Nick bats the brush. An iguana scurries up a tree.
NICK
When are you going to learn you can trust me? [JOHN’S TRAIT; MAYBE MANIPULATIVE]
JOHN
Cut the crap. I haven’t got all day. Where is it?
NICK
Where’s what? [CONNIVING]
JOHN
My plant!
NICK
First things first, let’s come to terms on my commission. [CONNIVING; CONFIDENT; HOPE]
JOHN
You want me to set a dollar amount? If it’s what you say it is, and I get the jump in id’ing it before everyone else —
NICK
85,000. [FEAR]
JOHN
I’ll give you 15,000.
NICK
50.
JOHN
20 and not a dollar more.
NICK
And you’ll pay up? In dollars not pesos? [DISTRUSTFUL – JOHN’S TRAIT?; HOPE]
JOHN
I’m not like you. My word is my bond. [LOYAL]
NICK
(laughing)
Okay, then in the spirit of keeping our beautiful friendship alive… You’ve got a deal. [HOPE] [CONNIVING? OR GIVING?]
Nick grabs him by the shoulders, looks him straight in the eye. [NOT SURE WHY THIS COMES HERE]
JOHN
I’ll have the money for you tomorrow at noon. You be here with it. [HOPE]
NICK
I’ll have the specimen, but not here. Somewhere private.
JOHN
My beach house then.
NICK
You think I’d take it through customs? Have the Feds confiscate it? No way. [CONNIVING]
JOHN
You know goddamn well I’m not allowed to leave the country. [FEAR] They took my passport– The one time I trusted cost me everything! [THIS LINE IS A BIT ON THE NOSE] You owe me. here, tomorrow, or the deal is off.
NICK
Baloney. You need this. You need me. [FEAR]
JOHN
I don’t need anyone! [LONER]
NICK
You needed Maggie! You’re still blaming me because you lost her. She was ready to split, man. Because you married to your job and your reputation. [GIVING – THE TRUTH] [MISLEAD ABOUT MAGGIE]
JOHN
She was everything to me! You stole her, sweet talked her with your lies! You manipulated us both and now you’re going to set it right. [DARING]
NICK
You think you can order me around! I’ve got two other bidders in play. I was just going to give you the first crack at it. We’re through here.
John grabs his arm. Nick whips around, pulls a knife. [REBELLIOUS; CONNIVING; SURPRISE]
JOHN
Once again, you were playing me for a chump. Maggie called last night. Told me you struck out with those other buyers. I’m your last play. [TWIST/REVEAL] [MORE MISLEAD ON MAGGIE]
John maneuvers around Nick, closely watching the hand with the knife.
NICK
Well, whatta you know.
JOHN
Do we have a deal or not? [HOPE]
NICK
Seems our girl is playing us both for chumps. [FEAR; REVEAL/SURPRISE]
JOHN
No! She’s through with you. Learned who’s the better man. She wants to get back to me. [LOYAL]
NICK
She has the plant, man. I’d say she has another fish on the line, and you’re gonna get another Dear John letter… [IF HE’S GIVING, HE MIGHT OFFER TO JOIN WITH JOHN AGAINST MAGGIE, BUT AS JOHN’S DISTRUSTFUL, HE REFUSES AND STARTS THE FIGHT]
John lunges for Nick. Knife goes flying.
Close on IGUANA in tree, watching the men fight.
AS YOU CAN SEE ABOVE, lots happening throughout the scene to see if the deal is going to happen or not, and lots of traits coming through. Nice twist/reveal with Maggie. I wonder if you could have used the setting more to create a physical cat and mouse between the plants, at least initially. Maybe Nick hints that the plant is somewhere around and John’s searching and Nick’s laughing about it – enjoying the manipulation. Of course, it all has to happen under 5 pages so can’t do everything. Anyway, hope that helps 🙂
Thanks for your feedback on my scene – I like the idea of the text message in the beginning; that would have worked well I think, to give clarity to what was going on. BTW, in my mind, Nick only realises that he loves Jess during the scene – it’s a discovery for him as well as he finds out John’s true feelings. Maybe that doesn’t work…
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Madeleine’s rewrite QE cycle 2 for feedback
Logline: Monk John wants monk Nikolaos to confess the sexual abuses he committed.
Essence: John makes the biggest sacrifice to get to the truth.
Scene:
EXT. FORECOURT MONASTERY – DAY
JOHN (76), in a monk’s cowl, drops an envelope in a letterbox.
He crosses the forecourt of a monastery. He looks up at the large church clock.
When it hits half past five, John unlocks the wooden door to the church tower and disappears behind it.
INT. CHURCH TOWER, STAIRCASE – DAY
John gasps when he climbs the steep stairs. He lifts his habit so he does not stumble over it.
When he arrives at the level where the clocks hang, there is a little niche with a cross. John crosses himself.
JOHN
And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
EXT. CHURCH TOWER TOP – DAY
John arrives on top, very exhausted. He gazes over the city calmly when the clock hits a quarter to five o’clock.
Then he listens carefully when he hears somebody coming up the stairs with heavy steps.
NICK
Brother John? Already up there – or do you need some help?
JOHN
Brother Nikolaos?
NICK (46) arrives on top of the church tower.
NICK
My god… why so formal?
John stands in front of Nick and holds his arms apart. Nick smiles sneakily.
NICK
This is no passion play.
JOHN
Don’t you want to search me?
NICK
Of course not… you’re a minister of God, his most loyal one…
JOHN
I could have a recording device.
Nick laughs.
NICK
Even if you had one… it would not be of much use.
JOHN
Why?
(pause)
Do you have a gun?
Nick spreads his arms. John searches Nick but does not find anything.
JOHN
Why do we have to meet up here? The confessional booth in the church is more practical.
NICK
I don’t want to confess… I just want to talk to you.
JOHN
It’s about time…
NICK
Did you already send the accusations along to the bishop?
JOHN
No, not yet. I want to hear from you…
NICK
Well done… I see there is still some good spirit left, then.
JOHN
All that matters, is the truth…. and I want it to hear from you…
NICK
These allegations are lies, that’s the truth.
John turns around and loosens a stone in the wall. Takes out a gun from behind the rock and points it at Nick.
Nick tries to hide that he is losing his confidence.
NICK
You… and a gun? This is not in the name of the lord…
JOHN
In the name of the lord… I will play this game… with different rules than you might expect.
NICK
What do you want me to say?
JOHN
As I said… the truth.
NICK
You threaten me… even if I would admit everything they say… it will be a forced confession and that… you cannot use in court.
JOHN
Bright as usual… that’s why I have a different plan… I actually want to help you.
Nick relaxes a bit.
JOHN
You might not know… but I’m terminally ill… maybe a couple more months to live… and then that’s it.
Nick smiles.
NICK
I’m sorry to hear that.
JOHN
Therefore my plan… you confess to me… I give you the absolution, and you shut me with this gun with all my fingerprints, and it looks like… a suicide… the bishop knows I’m terminally ill…
Nick smiles even more.
NICK
That’s brilliant… you’re… I love the idea of absolution…
JOHN
Up to you.
Nick gets nervous.
NICK
First, there was this incident with Maya…
All the church bells start RINGING at six o’clock for a long time.
Nick shouts a John, but his words are drowned by the sound of the bells for the audience. John understands what Nick says and nods.
After a couple of minutes the bells stop ringing. Nick sits down.
NICK
I feel better now… when it’s all out… thank you for doing this…
John still shakes his head in disbelief.
NICK
Where is the gun?
Nick smiles again.
JOHN
Oh… let’s not forget the absolution… can you give me my absolution before killing myself… before I absolve you?
Nick stops smiling.
NICK
Is this a trick?
(pause)
Why not? I love this absolution game.
Nicks goes toward John and puts his hand on John’s front.
NICK
Deinde ego te absolvo a peccatis tuis in nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus sancti. Amen.
John smiles at Nick, and Nick smiles back.
JOHN
Let me take a final look at mother earth before I join our father in heaven…
He approaches the reeling of the church tower, leans over it, and throws himself over the reeling with a yank.
NICK
John! What about…
Nick watches John falling down the tower in disbelief.
NICK
My absolution?
INT. BISHOP’S RESIDENCY, DAY
The hand in white gloves with a bishop’s ring opens an envelope with a prestigious letter opener.
The BISHOP reads the letter and MUMBLES incomprehensibly.
BISHOP
(reading)
Reverend… by the time you read this, I’m already with the lord.
(pause)
If I ended my life by suicide by jumping off the church tower, all the allegations against the priest, Nikolaos Salvatore, are true… The sacrifice of my life is proof of it.
The bishop drops the letter, and it floats to the floor.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Madeleind Gentinetta.
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Brilliant twist at the end of the scene! Not exactly a fight, but with the well-written setup of the letter I thought it paid off nicely. I also thought you made good use of setting, suspense, mislead/revel, and character change. I found both characters’ subtext, but the character traits in the dialogue were quite subtle, mostly q & a. I suggest making another pass to make their traits stronger.
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Thank you, Mary! I’m very busy this week and don’t know yet, if I can give more feedback on your story or anybody else.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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Logline: John saves Nick and seeks the money
Essence: You can’t trust anybody over here
BEGIN SCENE
EXT. MIDDLE EAST VILLAGE, DARK STREET – NIGHT
Bullets fly. A brown sedan speeds through a cloud of bullets, barely avoids being hit. It careens around a corner, screeches to a halt. John Mackley, the driver, leans toward the open window.
JOHN
Hurry up! Get in!
Nick Doughty steps out from a darkened doorway. He glances toward the sound of the gunshots. Footsteps. The shooters are closing fast.
Nick looks through the window and sees John behind the wheel.
NICK
Where the fuck’s Danny?
JOHN
The same place you’re gonna be if you don’t get in now! Let’s go!
Nick opens the door and falls in. John peels out as two gunmen round the corner. They spray the car with bullets. The back window shatters. A tire blows.
John drives as fast as the car will go on the wobbly tire. Bullets smash into the trunk. Bullets whiz by his head.
JOHN
(to Nick)
Stay down!
After four blocks he takes out a clicker and punches a button. A door rattles up. He turns hard into a garage.
INT. GARAGE – NIGHT
A beat-up, dust-covered Toyota pickup.
JOHN
That’s our ride! Let’s go!
They climb into the truck. John turns the key. The engine grinds. It won’t fire. He tries again.
NICK
Does this thing run?
John twists the key hard, leans into it. It fires.
Then dies.
NICK
Jesus, they’re gonna be here any second.
John twists the key again. Finally the thing starts.
John pulls out and floors it down a deserted street. The garage door crawls back down.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
NICK
So they got Danny?
JOHN
Yeah.
NICK
Fuck!
John looks over at him.
NICK
Let’s give him a moment of silence, alright? I owe him that. I’m gonna close my eyes. You just keep driving.
With Nick’s eyes closed, John drapes his arm across the seat back. He holds a pistol in his right hand. After the moment of silence…
NICK
Move your arm, it’s bothering me.
JOHN
It’s holding a gun to your head.
NICK
What the hell for?
JOHN
Insurance.
NICK
What insurance? You know I broke off from the Taliban.
JOHN
Like that means I can trust you now? You did it so you could take all the money for yourself.
NICK
And now you want it.
JOHN
It’s not for me. It’s for the refugees.
NICK
Yeah, right…. Are you working with them?
JOHN
I don’t exactly work with anyone.
NICK
What are you doing here, then?
JOHN
I’m here on a mission. Right now it’s saving your sorry ass.
NICK
Look, I made a deal with Remi. He gets me out and I tell him where the money is hidden.
JOHN
Remi has abandoned you.
NICK
Whaaat? No way! Why would he do that?
JOHN
He found out on his own. They don’t need you.
NICK
That’s bullshit! I know where it is. They can’t find it without me.
JOHN
They don’t need you, Nick. You’re toast to them. Did you wonder who was shooting at you back there?
NICK
Nah, I’m the only one that knows where the money is, I’m good.
JOHN
Remi’s men, that’s who was shooting at you. Does that make you feel good?
Nick thinks this through. Maybe John is right.
NICK
That son of a bitch. Can’t trust anybody over here.
JOHN
Now might be a good time for you to tell me.
NICK
So you can kill me and take it for yourself? Fuck that.
JOHN
The refugees need it a lot more than I do. And one of them saved my life.
NICK
Still, I tell you, you kill me and then who knoooows where the money goes?
JOHN
I can drop you off back where I picked you up and you can work it out with those guys if you don’t believe me…. But I’m telling you Nick, they don’t need you.
NICK
Maybe they don’t, but you do.
JOHN
That’s why I drove through hell to get to you. Where is it, Nick?
NICK
I want half. That was my deal with Remi.
JOHN
Remi was trying to kill you. So you got squat with him. But… that’s reasonable. I’ll do it.
NICK
And you get me to the airport?
JOHN
If you don’t try something stupid.
NICK
You know me, John. I’d never do that.
JOHN
I do know you, Nick, and the clock is ticking.
NICK
Alright, alright. It’s in a shot-up store at the edge of town.
JOHN
Let’s go.
They come on a war-scarred section of town. Burned-out cars and mortar craters mark a scene of violence.
NICK
That’s it, there, on the corner. Pull over.
John pulls over to the curb. They look around. Nothing.
JOHN
Don’t forget I’ve got a gun on you.
EXT. BURNED-OUT STORE – NIGHT
Nick pushes on the metal door. It scrapes along the floor and screeches open. They creep inside on high alert.
INT. BURNED-OUT STORE – NIGHT
Nick leads the way. John follows with the gun at Nick’s back.
The place is almost pitch black. Nick feels along the wall and stops at a doorway.
NICK
You got a lighter or something?
John reaches in his pocket and pulls out a Bic. As he does Nick drops to the floor and comes up hard and knocks the gun and lighter from John’s hand. Nick grabs the gun.
John swings a kick to Nick’s head. He misses. Nick shoots.
The bullet grazes John in the side. Off the muzzle flash he dives at Nick and takes him down.
They fight in the dirt on the floor. John gets the gun back and knocks Nick hard up side the head. And once more just because.
He locates the lighter with his foot, and picks it up.
With the gun firmly in one hand, John lights the Bic with the other.
Blood streams down Nick’s face.
JOHN
That was something stupid.
NICK
I had to try.
JOHN
Any more of that you lose your ride to the airport. Get your ass in gear!
NICK
Alright, alright. The money’s in the floor. Under this table.
JOHN
Get it. And if you come out of there with a gun in your hand you’re a dead man.
Nick opens the hatch, reaches in and pulls out a sack.
JOHN
Open it.
Nick opens the bag. He pulls out a pistol. Before he can complete his turn and shoot, John blows him away. One shot to the head.
Nick’s brains and the rest of his body fall to the floor. John collects the bag and the gun and hurries back to the truck.
EXT. DARK STREET – NIGHT
The truck starts this time. John drops it in gear. Remi’s men come flying down the street. A man leans out the window and lets off a burst of shots. John tears off in the Toyota.
Bullets bang and clatter off the truck bed as John disappears around a corner. Remi’s men give chase.
END SCENE
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<div>James’ rewrite QE Cycle 2 for critique</div>
Logline: Nick discovers that two women rejected his offer of help because his friend John warned them about him.
Essence: John’s true feelings about Nick emerge in a chance encounter with two women.
EXT. WILDERNESS ISLAND – DAY
Wind whips the small island and dark clouds portend severe rain. NICK (late 20s, tall, muscular) and JOHN (late 20s, wiry, average height) finish setting up their tent. While John puts their gear in the tent, Nick walks 50 yards, to a clearing in the forest, where CHRISTY (mid-20s, outdoorsy, wearing a Sierra Club t-shirt) and JAZZ (mid-20s, blonde hair, paler skin, novice outdoorsman) struggle to erect a tarp to protect their cooking area from wind and rain. Their tent is nearby.
NICK
I can help with that.
CHRISTY
No thanks.
NICK
It’s no trouble.
CHRISTY
We don’t need your help.
NICK
I’m just offering assistance. I’m not asking for your hand in marriage.
JAZZ
Thank God.
CHRISTY
We really don’t want you anywhere near us.
Nick nods slowly, in thought, and goes back to his tent where John is finishing up.
NICK
We need to talk.
He gestures for John to follow him to the lake shore, out of earshot from the women.
NICK
What did you tell those two about me?
JOHN
Nothing. Why would I tell them anything about you?
NICK
They act like I’m the village flasher or something.
JOHN
Maybe they just don’t like you.
NICK
They don’t know me. Why would they dislike me already?
John shrugs and starts back to the tent.
NICK
Wait a minute. You were talking to them while I unloaded the canoe. You never do the chatty stuff. You’re a loner’s loner. What did you say?
JOHN
Just chatty stuff. Not everything’s about you, Nick.
NICK
Tell me. Tell me now.
JOHN
Or what? You’ll beat it out of me?
NICK
Or I tell your wife about the hooker at Bill’s bachelor party.
JOHN
I thought we were friends. I would never betray you like that. I thought you felt the same way.
NICK
I do. That’s why I never mentioned it. And I won’t, as long as you tell me what’s going on here.
JOHN
I can’t talk to you any more. You don’t keep confidences. You were the one person in my life I thought I could trust, and now I see, I can’t.
NICK
Stop mewling. What’s their issue?
JOHN
Maybe they just don’t like men.
NICK
Don’t fuck with me, John. They talked with you easy enough. Come on.
JOHN
It’s that important to you?
NICK
Yeah.
JOHN
I told them you were at the January 6th insurrection.
NICK
Why would you do that?
JOHN
They’re Sierra Clubbers, Nick. They don’t want any part of people like you.
NICK
Like me? What does that mean?
JOHN
It means you’re anti everything and not in a good way. Even though you’re my friend, you’re a fucked up Nazi. People need to be warned.
Amazement and wonder sweep over Nick’s face. He flushes red. He glowers at John, and then he explodes with a vicious punch to John’s abdomen.
-
Bill’s rewrite QE Cycle 2 for critique:
LOGLINE: Ext. Day. Backyard of John’s upscale home
ESSENCE: Two men trying to extract information from each other
SCENE:
John just sits down in his lounge chair by his backyard pool on Saturday afternoon and sets a cool drink on the table. The patio sliding door is open so he hears clearly the doorbell ring, but he hesitates to get up. Finally, after the third ring, he shouts, daring the visitor to enter.
JOHN
I’M IN THE BACKYARD. IF IT’S IMPORTANT, COME IN.
The door opens and Nick comes to the backyard carrying a briefcase and a newspaper. The yard is orderly, and the pool water is clear. There is no evidence of a wife or children.
NICK
Hello, my name is Nick Foster.
How are you today?
Nick hands John the folded newspaper he found on the driveway.
JOHN
As you can see, I am relaxing and
Not wishing to be disturbed!
NICK
I understand. I will just take a moment of your time.
JOHN
By the way. I always throw this newspaper in the recycle bin.
It is full of crap. I never read it. They won’t stop sending it.
NICK
Sorry. ‘just wanted to give you something—to warm up our conversation.
JOHN
You are not here to give me anything.
You are here to get something from me.
Probably my money or my vote. Which is it?
Nick laughs, but accepts the challenge of John’s belligerence.
NICK
Neither. I have something that you will enjoy reading.
Nick opens his briefcase.
JOHN
Wait. Before you go any further, I’m not interested.
NICK
You can’t say that. You haven’t seen what it is I bring you.
Nick hands John a brochure but John doesn’t look at it.
NICK
Nick looks around the back yard and pool.
I can see you are doing well for yourself. What is your household income?
JOHN
That is none of your business.
Nick
It helps me to know which program I present to you.
I would not offer something that would be a hardship for you.
John is determined not to reveal this information to someone he doesn’t know.
JOHN
Why don’t you tell me how much you are planning to make from me on
whatever it is you are selling? Tell me. I’d like to know.
NICK
What I have for you is going to save you tons of money
JOHN
Yeah. Sure. Tell me what your cut is.
NICK
This is the deal. I represent the Sunrise Solar Systems.
With this system installed on your house you will never pay an electricity bill again.
JOHN
You know what? I really doubt that!
NICK
How much do you now pay for electricity?
JOHN
I am not going to tell you that!
NICK
But I must know so I can show you how much you will save?
Imagine. What will you do with the money you now pay for electricity?
JOHN
I will set up an electric fence to keep salesmen off my property.
NICK
You don’t understand. I’m here to help you. Right now, there
are government rebates that will soon be gone. You don’t want to pass this up.
John is getting more and more irritated.
JOHN
LOOK! IF I WERE to buy solar panels, I would get them from my sister’s husband. I certainly would not buy them from some door-to-door punk.
NICK
What company does he represent? The Sunrise system is much more efficient.
That will save you lots more in the long run.
JOHN
That does not matter. I would keep it in the family.
NICK
Just tell me your annual electricity bill—and I will prepare a plan
That, I am confident, you will like—when you see how much you save.
JOHN
NO! I will not tell you that! Not until you tell me how much you make off this scam.
By now Nick is also irritated.
John gets up off his lounge and gives Nick a strong shove.
NICK
OK, OK! I get to keep the down payment check you give me today.
JOHN
I thought so, you conniving scum!
John gives Nick another shove. This time Nick falls into the pool.
Fight ensures.
End of Scene.
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