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Lesson 10: Exchange Feedback on Cycle 2
Post your assignment for feedback. You can also put a request for a feedback partner in this feed.
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32 Replies
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LOGLINE: John tries to find out what is going on with his young daughter, Nic, who has been acting “off” all evening.
ESSENCE: You may create your children, but you can’t control who they become.
SCENE: (Lesson 10 – Cycle QE#2 – 2nd Draft, after watching the video critique)
INT. SILVERLAKE HOME – BATHROOM – NIGHT
From inside the linen armoire, the upscale midcentury modern- meets-boho bathroom looks like a tranquil spa. Steam rises from the full bathtub.
Until NIÇOISE AKA NIC (5, cooler than you and she knows it) moves in front, blocking out all light. She drops a towel in the hamper, pulls out an ELECTRIC HAIR CLIPPER and closes the door of the armoire.
She deftly plugs the hair clipper into the outlet, takes off the trimmer clip, and methodically begins to shave the base of her hair into an undercut that could only be pulled off by this very specific breed of precocious child that can only survive in the wild of Los Angeles’ east side.
She shaves more and more, and fuck if we’re crazy, but it actually looks good. Savage. But good.
She smiles at her reflection in the mirror.
JOHN (O.S.) Dammit Nic, I knew it!
It’s her dad, John (42, dressed in a loosened button down shirt and sweatpants.)
Nic hides the clippers behind her back.
NIC Hi daddy.
JOHN I take one second to myself! Damn Stephanie for bailing on us!
Nic drops the clippers on the counter, turns on her heal and tries to run past him. John puts out his arms to block her from escaping.
NIC I need space.
JOHN You asked for alone time, not to shave your head!
NIC You shaved yours.
JOHN I am old enough to make that change for myself. You’re not.
NIC Mommy said your hair started to run away.
John finds this amusing.
NIC But that you look better without it.
JOHN (laughing) Oh yeah? I made a good choice?
He checks himself out in the mirror. Side by side, he and Nic look remarkably similar.
JOHN You actually did a really good job. Steady hand. Mom will dig it.
NIC I love you daddy.
She wraps her arms around him and he just melts.
JOHN Okay, time for your bath.
Nic freezes.
NIC I did already.
John glances at Exhibit A: The very full, undisturbed bath.
JOHN Uhmmmm. Try again.
NIC I filled it back up.
JOHN Oh really?
NIC For you. And mommy.
JOHN Hmmm. (beat) Mommy’s at her reunion. You know that. And because I needed my alone time, she asked me to make sure you take a bath. And you know I always do what mommy asks.
NIC Did mommy ask you to take Stephanie out to dinner?
JOHN What’s that now?
NIC Mommy saw you with Stephanie last week. That’s why she told her not to come play with me today.
JOHN What?! I would never do that!
NIC She cried a lot. Mommy said her Big Mad was coming out.
JOHN Okay, well mommy and I will definitely have a talk about that.
NIC Mommy doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s what she told nana. That you’re a cliché.
JOHN Oh Christ. (beat) You know what, just get in the tub.
NIC NO! I already did! I dried myself and everything.
John looks over at Exhibit B: The empty towel rack. She’s good. She’s really good.
He moves towards the armoire and Nic’s eyes widen in panic.
His eyes locked on the witness during cross examination, he performatively opens the armoire and reaches into the hamper.
Without breaking eye contact with her, John dramatically pulls out a crisp white towel, revealing that underneath it is the BODY OF A YOUNG WOMAN!
Nic freezes.
His eyes still locked on Nic, John closes the armoire with his foot and ceremoniously unfurls Exhibit C!
JOHN Aha! Bone dry. Prosecution rests.
John somehow didn’t notice the body. Nic breathes a sigh of relief. Casually glances at the armoire again, but John catches her glance this time.
He looks at it again, then at Nic, then motions to open it. This prompts Nic to immediate action.
NIC Fine, I’ll take a stupid bath.
John’s victory is short lived, because Nic gets in the tub, fully clothed.
JOHN Great. Wonderful.
Nic smiles sweetly at him.
NIC What?
But John won’t take the bait.
She gloats. He pours shower gel onto a loofah and begins to scrub Nic’s clothes. Nic giggles.
JOHN This is great. Very normal.
NIC Daddy? Is Zephyr’s daddy dead?
John pauses. He’s not sure how to answer this.
JOHN Trent is– No. Trent’s… just in the hospital.
NIC Because of what I did to him?
JOHN Because of what Teacher Bobby did to him. To all of you.
Nic starts to cry.
NIC My Big Mad just got too big. It got away from my body.
John, unsure of what to do next, takes a moment, then gets in the tub, fully clothed too.
Through her tears, Nic smiles.
JOHN I know honey. Big Mad just got too big to stay inside. But you know? We can put Big Mad back inside.
NIC Yeah, she’s back inside. In my heart.
John continues to scrub Nic clean over her clothes and she giggles. He sees an opening.
JOHN So when Stephanie came by earlier, did she say why she couldn’t babysit?
NIC No, just that she had to go. For school or something.
John pauses the clothes-scrubbing.
JOHN That’s interesting. Because you said that mommy told her not to come.
Nic pauses. Tries her best poker face, even though she probably has no clue what poker even is.
NIC No I didn’t.
John ups his cross-examination.
JOHN Yeah, you did. I remember I thought it was weird that Stephanie didn’t come, but her car was parked right outside.
Nic freezes.
JOHN Where is Stephanie?
NIC She said she–
JOHN Don’t lie to me. It’s my job to keep you safe, Niçoise. And if you don’t tell me the truth, I can’t keep you safe.
Nic stands up and steps out of the bathtub. She eyes the hair clipper. Still plugged in.
NIC Oh daddy. You can’t keep me safe–
JOHN Don’t walk away from me–
Nic turns back to face him. Then slowly backs away, towards the clipper.
NIC No! I can take care of myself!
And with that, Nic grabs the still-plugged-in hair clippers off the counter, flicks on the switch, and tosses it into the tub.
John intercepts it and jumps out. He slips and falls, his head narrowly missing the edge of the bath tub, but still, his body takes a hit.
In what looks like intense pain, his eyes meet Nic’s death stare.
She grasps a pair of scissors, and smiles.
NIC 1, 2, 3, go for the knee!
John tightens his grip on the clippers as Nic lunges forward.
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Yanni, I thought this was super good writing. Very interesting. I got hooked on the story and missed looking for the interest techniques. I’ve learned that the places that I pause are the places that need to be streamlined to make sense.
***A five-year-old is too young to stuff a body in an armoire. Or even move it. She would have to be older. Or maybe the sitter is somewhere else, dead. This is a super cool scene, so I keep thinking there is another way to get the sitter in the armoire, but I haven’t thought of a way yet. Maybe they were playing hide and seek, and she stabbed her right there in the armoire?
If you make the girl too much older, the bath scene wouldn’t work. So, I’m not sure what to suggest here.
***Also, if feels like your theme is split. If this is the story of an abused girl…as cool as the ending is, she has just demonstrated her love for her father (to the point that she murdered a woman to keep her family intact), so she wouldn’t kill her dad. She’d run away or something, and then maybe he gets out, dries himself off, goes to throw his towel in the armoire, and sees a hand or something.
Or…if this is a horror movie…the ending works, but she would have killed the babysitter regardless. And because of her history of violence, he would be scared to leave her with someone, or he would suspect her in the beginning of the scene and NOT put himself in a position she could harm him. His relationship with her would be loving fear, not unsuspecting love.
These things seem so picky, but you have this amazing scene and making this a little more normal to how a dad or kid would act will make it feel more real.
I’m excited to see the final draft.
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Thank you Brenda! The age of the girl is definitely an issue to think about. I don’t want her to be older because otherwise the entire premise of the scene about the bath doesn’t make sense.
I worked under the assumption that the babysitter had somehow gotten into the hamper herself (playing hide and seek or something similar) and that Nic had offed her in there. There is no way to show this in this particular scene or even hint at it. Unfortunately that’s part of us writing a single scene and keep it self-contained. We have to work under the assumption that there are at least a couple of things that *can* be inferred, through suspension of disbelief. I know that’s not the best answer to that issue (and I did spend a lot of time thinking about it and how it would work), but I needed her to be in the hamper for the premise to work.
You’re absolutely right, it IS a horror scene (even though it exists in the same “universe” as my previous scene with the preschoolers beating up the Studio Producer Trent under the guidance of their teacher Robert (Bobby).
You make a great point about her history of violence (I cheated a little by utilizing that previous scene, but I think I also added enough exposition to contextualize her history in this self-contained scene). So she got the idea after beating up Trent, so she has developed a taste for blood, so to speak, even though Trent is in the hospital and not dead. You definitely make a great point about how her dad would feel and I struggle with how much of that to give him or not. His trait is “DISTRUSTFUL” but also “LOYAL”. So I do think he would be adequately suspicious of her (which I tried to show), but then the question is how much would his “LOYALTY” to her blind him from seeing what she has become? Especially since she is 5 and clearly “GIVING” and “CONNIVING”. Enough to kill a person.
I don’t know the best answer to that, and it IS confusing a little, for the theme. My solution was to treat it with the similar attitude that parents also have so often in horror films: They have a warning that something is off with their kid, but they definitely have elements of denial because of their love/loyalty to them, so they’re willing to disregard a LOT of their suspicious behaviour. I can’t tell you how many times I myself yell at parents in horror films for doing this exact thing, but it IS a kind of a trope for the genre. So that is what I opted for. You are definitely right though, if we were to try and make this scene perfect (is such a thing even exists), this is an issue that must be refined.
I don’t exactly know how to do this. I’m still struggling with showing all the core traits, the subtext AND as many interest techniques as I can fit into a scene, so I’m hoping if I keep at it, I’ll get better at this sort of thing! Thank you so much for these comments! Extremely useful! Definitely open to suggestions!
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Without further putting too fine a point on it, I will default to Brenda’s eagle eye. She got me, too. But the girl’s age does seem to be a problem. Having said that, the writing is still remarkable, as is the concept. Hal said this would happen – all the different approaches to the same basic information and the need to remain flexible. Well done, Yanni.
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Thank you Alfred! Yeah I do want the girl to stay 5. Otherwise the entire premise of the “bath time” scene doesn’t really hold together. Look at what I responded to Brenda above. I made an assumption that they were playing hide and seek. But I don’t know how to communicate that info in this standalone scene (without including the previous scene to this where they play the game), without adding a ton of obvious and very awkward exposition. Oof! All ideas welcome! 😂
And yes, it is constantly fascinating how everyone interprets these prompts differently!
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There’s a lot to like here- you’re obviously a very talented writer… the precocious girl- terrific character- reminded me of KICK ASS. In the movie, she was 11 years old and deadly. I know others have mentioned this, but I think the scene would have more impact if she was a pre-teen and capable of murder. Suggestion: you could replace the bathroom with bedroom, the bath with homework (the renegade girl says she did it, but it’s obvious she didn’t and the father doesn’t know how to deal with the situation) and keep the other elements.
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Thank you so much for the kind words. Yes, these are all excellent ideas. It’s just amazing just how many different ways these scenes can go, right?
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This an improvement, esp the back & forth suspense for Nic whether John will discover the body.
RE your response to my earlier feedback, I knew it wasn’t John who killed Stephanie, but thought it might be Nic’s mother, since it would be too hard for Nic to stuff the body into the hamper… And good you made it clearer the John didn’t see the body. And I really got it that it was Nic who killed her, though she perhaps learned about raging anger and the will to kill from her mother.
This time I took more notice of Nic harming Trent (in the full movie the situation surrounding that would be clearer).
And this time the “1, 2, 3, go for the knee” made more sense to me… she would have to immobilize her victim first.
The scene made me think of THE BAD SEED, but because Nic is younger she wouldn’t have as full an understanding of right & wrong. Tho it seems she might have reason to think her dad deserves to die (for fooling around with Steph, if he did).
So not quite HONEY, I BLEW UP THE KID gone awry or monster movies (monsters only being dangerous, not evil), but something between that and THE BAD SEED. A truly frightening horror movie, since no one ever suspects a small kid.
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Thank you! Horror is really a very challenging genre! Especially with writing believable children characters,
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LESSON 10
LOGLINE: Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?
ESSENCE: Survival
SITUATION: Two double agents are pitted against each other to see who is loyal to the U.S.
SCENE ARC: John and Nick meet on the brink of Crooks Peak; they play cat and mouse, they get serious, Nick pulls a knife, and John falls backward off the brink and disappears. The entire incident is being filmed from Mt. Whitney.
LOGLINE:
Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?
ESSENCE:
Survival, both in the personal sense and in the sense of country.
SCENE: JOHN AND NICK MEET ON CROOKS PEAK
SITUATION:
A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC:
From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
JOHN: THE GOOD GUY
TRAITS
Daring/Distrustful/Loyal/Loner
Subtext:
John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.
NICK: THE BAD GUY
TRAITS
Confident/Conniving/Rebellious/Giving
Subtext:
Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.
EXT. CROOKS PEAK – DAY
Crook’s Peak is the middle needle of a three-needle cluster south of Mount Whitney – the so-called Peaks for Freaks.
It belies the tiny, vegetarian woman in a straw hat for whom the peak was named – Hulda Crooks, a.k.a. Grandma Whitney.
Each needle – Keeler, Crooks, and Third Needle – is a narrow slice of pizza, strewn with large, flat, talus-like sheets of rock – its toppings.
The western slopes seem easy enough, but at fourteen thousand feet, the rarified air makes one’s feet feel like lead.
The eastern faces are another story. They are disturbing in their near two thousand feet of vertical rise.
Between the needles, there are yawing, precipitous gaps, leaving the points dangerously exposed – not for the faint of heart.
JOHN DAVIS (45), is a CIA double operative who lives in secret, which suits his personality well. He’s also a seasoned rock climber and mountaineer, but who would know? He doesn’t say much. His assignment is to test Nick’s loyalty.
John sits with his back to the three ragged boulders that make up the peak’s ultimate point.
He’s wearing a helmet and climber’s harness.
Further, he has tethered himself to a several-ton, spindle-shaped chunk of granite with two opposing nylon slings and a length of climbing rope.
He looks terrified and silly, sitting there hooked via carabiners and rope to a large rock – on the sloping side of the crest, no less.
NICK POLANSKI, (48), is an aerospace engineer from Southern California. He is also a double operative, but for which country has come into question? He has been led to believe that the CIA suspects John, and he is to get John to admit to his disloyalty.
From the Whitney Trail, the figure of a man in a climbing helmet leaves the trail and climbs up the slope toward John.
Nick waves to him, and John waves back.
LATER
As Nick approaches John, he points to the tether and laughs —
NICK
What the hell is this?
John tries to laugh but complains —
JOHN
Who’s the damned fool who set this meeting up? And why?
NICK
Don’t sweat it. I don’t like heights, either – just sayin’.
JOHN
You don’t? So why are we here, then?
NICK
(laughingly)
Probably the only place left, in America, that isn’t bugged.
John forces a chuckle.
JOHN
You’re probably right.
(beat)
So besides that, why are we here?
NICK
You don’t know?
JOHN
Not really. Something about quantum computers.
NICK
Yes. What do you know about them?
JOHN
Precious little.
NICK
Then, indeed, why are we here?
JOHN
To confirm that the Chinese have incorporated them into their military program?
NICK
(laughs)
Who have you been talking to? They’re years behind us. You are one of us, aren’t you?
JOHN
Us? What do you mean by that?
NICK
If you’re CIA, you should know we’re way ahead of the Chinese.
JOHN
Yeah, but who can we trust? The organization is it’s full of moles and double agents and —
NICK
I resent the implications. I do not work for the Chinese while —
JOHN
Resent all you want, but why are we here? One of us has got to be under suspicion. Maybe both of us.
NICK
Well, it sure ain’t me, and the U.S. has nothing to worry about.
JOHN
Well, according to my information, we have lots to worry about.
NICK
Poppycock.
JOHN
Nick, I’ve seen the evidence, first-hand. We most certainly do need to worry.
NICK
No, we don’t.
JOHN
Then, you must be the bad apple, trying to misdirect everyone.
NICK
Why would I do that? I have a wife — a family.
JOHN
Money? Why else do traitors sell themselves out to our enemies?
NICK
Who do you think our enemies are? You’re a total knot-head. America is no longer we, the people.
JOHN
You really believe that, don’t you?
NICK
Of course, I do. Everyone who can, has got their hand in the government till. We’re robbing each other for our own thirty pieces of silver while the weak – the poor – don’t stand a chance.
JOHN
Then correct it, Nick. Don’t finish them off.
NICK
You just don’t get it, do you? I am correcting it.
Nick draws a knife from his cargo pants.
NICK
Nothing personal, John. It’s just about survival.
JOHN
(points to the knife)
What are you going to do with that? You’ll give yourself away.
NICK
No, I won’t. You’re the Chinese agent – you tried to kill me.
JOHN
Why?
NICK
Survival.
John stands, crouched down, as Nick lunges for him, left hand grabbing John’s rope.
John kicks at Nick’s knife-wielding hand, but Nick swings around and slashes at John’s rope above where he is gripping it.
The rope snaps, and Nick kicks John in the chest while still firmly gripping the end of the rope.
John staggers back, falls over the edge – disappears – it’s a long way down.
Nick tries to look over the edge, but the sheer face is so remarkably vertical he can’t see a thing.
Nick gulps, and appears queasy, but rolls up the rope and stuffs the nylon straps into his rucksack.
Nick looks around. He’s the only person in sight.
NICK
(to himself, smiling)
Now that we all think we know who’s who and what’s what, who will ever really know? Screw the U.S.; I’ll tell them what they want to hear.
Nick beats a hasty retreat, down the mountain.
INSERT – THE HUT ATOP MOUNT WHITNEY, a telescopic view which shows –
Slammed against the stone wall of the hut, a man with a high-powered camera filmed the entire incident.
BACK TO CROOKS PEAK.
NOTE: In a subsequent scene, we will see that John was double roped (from behind), swung around to a hidden predetermined bolt, and cleft in the rock face. He waits for Nick to leave. John gets his information both directly and indirectly.
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Hi Alfred, you’re doing some good writing. A reminder that we can’t ‘see’ the information you started your scene with. Telling us information that we can’t see slows the read down. Here is an example of how you could start your scene out:
JOHN DAVIS (45), sits with his back to the three ragged boulders that make up Crooks Peak’s ultimate point.
The rest of your scene flows and doesn’t lose anything. The same can be done with Nic. Leave out where he lives and what he does (unless it’s important) and then it comes out in dialogue.
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See the third draft.
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THE COMMENTS SUGGESTED THAT JOHN NEEDED TO HAVE MORE LOYALTY AND NIC NEEDED TO BE MORE GIVING. I CHANGED THE DIALOGUE IN THE LAST HALF OF THE SCRIPT TO REFLECT THAT.
LOGLINE: John assumes his girlfriend’s father has forcibly taken her home and goes to rescue her.
ESSENCE: Love can intensify our habits.
INT. NICK’S HOUSE – DAY
Nick (50’s), dirty and unkempt, a beer in his hand and a cigar hanging from his mouth, slouches on the couch.
The door CRASHES open and JOHN (20’s) smartly dressed, storms in the room with an angry scowl on his face, startling Nick, who drops his cigar in his lap and fumbles to keep from burning himself.
JOHN
Where is she?
NICK
You ain’t got no right to come storming in another man’s home. Get your ass out of here.
Nick stubs his cigar out on a plate, littered with bread crust and a bone from some long ago lunch.
JOHN
I’m not going anywhere without Shelly. Where is she?
Nick sits back and calmly sucks on his beer, smiling.
NICK
Obviously not with you. What did you do to make her want to run?
JOHN
Me? I didn’t do anything to her, you sick freak.
NICK
Sick freak?
(raises his eyebrows)
That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it.
JOHN
Don’t play dumb with me. You know damn well what I mean. A father who beats up his own daughter. A sick freak.
Nick laughs and takes another swig. A fragile girl, SHELLY (19), covered in bruises, slinks in and stands timidly behind her dad.
NICK
Is that what she told you? She lied to get away from you.
JOHN
She didn’t lie. She’s covered in bruises. Come on, Shelly. You’re going with me.
Nick rumbles to his feet, holding his beer bottle by the neck, like a weapon.
NICK
I don’t think so punk. Go ahead, Shelly. Tell him.
SHELLY
(looking down miserably)
That’s right. I’m okay. I moved back home.
JOHN
Bull. She already told me you hit her. You had no right to force her back here while I was gone. You don’t have to cover for him, Shelly.
Nick LAUGHS spontaneously, beer spraying from his nose.
NICK
She told you I hit her? Good one. And you believed her?
JOHN
Of course, I believed her. Why wouldn’t I?
Shelly shifts uncomfortably.
NICK
Maybe because you’re a controlling son of bitch and she’s afraid of you. Maybe that’s why she wanted to come home.
JOHN
That’s not true. I love her.
(to Shelly)
I love you. I would never hurt you. You just need to talk to me. I’ve never lived with anyone before.
NICK
Oh, please. Spare us the tears. You tell her where to go and what to do. You isolate her from friends and family. You try to own her. That’s not love.
JOHN
No. That’s not true, Shelly. I do love you. I’m just not a people person. But I’ll try harder for you.
(to Nick)
Stop trying to twist this around. Bruises don’t lie.
NICK
What a moron. You don’t even know her. Haven’t you ever wondered why she never gains weight, when she eats as much as you do? You’ve never seen her happy one moment, and find her crying in the bathroom later? She’s bulimic and she hates herself. You’re a moron if you haven’t figured it out.
SHELLY
Dad…
NICK
No. It’s about time you take responsibility. I don’t want to be your scape goat anymore.
JOHN
Stop talking about your own daughter like she’s not even here. Shelly? Let’s go, Baby. You don’t have to deal with this.
Nick laughs when Shelly stands rooted to the floor. He picks up his cigar and lights it again.
JOHN
Are you listening Baby? Let’s get out of here. Don’t be afraid of him. I’m right here.
Nick sends a puff of smoke spiraling to the ceiling. He smiles as Shelly nervously shifts her feet, looking at the floor.
NICK
Yes, Shelly. Go with the boyfriend. I don’t have to take you in every time you fall back into your old habits. Maybe John loves you enough to not feel disgusted when you self-harm.
JOHN
Self-harm. That’s a crock. Why would she do that?
NICK
I don’t know. Why do you do that Shelly? The boyfriend wants to take you home…so go.
Nick sits back down and leans back, crossing his legs.
JOHN
Shelly?
(off Shelly’s guilty look)
What’s happening here? Is any of this true?
NICK
Go on, Shelly. You want to keep telling people that I’m abusing you? Go with the boyfriend. The way he controls you now…it won’t be much of a stretch for people to think he’s the one beating on you.
Shelly glances at John, a tear welling up.
SHELLY
I’m sorry, Dad.
JOHN
Now wait just a minute. Shelly. Is any of this true?
Shelly nods miserably.
JOHN
If you don’t want to be with me, just say so.
NICK
Oh, come on man. Don’t let a little thing like self harm make you nervous. She’s not crazy. Just a little high strung. You young-uns go ahead and go home. I’m sure you can figure this out.
JOHN
I didn’t know any of this. Shelly? If this is true…maybe you should stay with your family awhile and get some help. We could take things a little slower if you’d like.
NICK
Oh, no. Shelly. He says he loves you. I reckon you can get counseling with him as easy as here. Get your stuff together and head on out.
JOHN
Wait. It sounds like she needs…more than I can give her at my place.
Nick lumbers to his feet.
NICK
Are you dumping my girl, now? After storming in here and demanding to take her?
JOHN
No. No. I’m just trying to keep her in a place that she can get the help she needs.
NICK
Sounds to me like you’re dumping her. Maybe someone ought to teach you some manners about how to treat a girl.
John backs toward the door.
JOHN
No disrespect. You seem to be her go to. I wish it were me, but obviously she doesn’t trust me enough to open up.
(to Shelly)
When you get some help and feel ready to try again, call me. I’ll be waiting. With no pressure.
He smiles at Shelly and walks out the door.
Shelly perches herself sadly on the side of her father’s chair.
SHELLY
Do you think I’ll ever find anyone to understand me?
Nick puts his arm around Shelly and hugs her.
NICK
Sorry, baby. I had to push him to find out how much he really cares. You deserve the best.
Nick opens his shirt to reveal a bruised torso. He punches himself in the stomach.
NICK
But I handled that badly. I deserve to be punished for upsetting you more.
He holds out his arm and karate chops it viciously. He GROANS.
NICK
I shouldn’t get frustrated with these young men. They just don’t understand people like us.
Shelly doubles her fist and slams it into her own shoulder. She GROANS. A tear trickles from her eye.
SHELLY
I always handle relationships badly. It’s not your fault dad. The first time I’m frustrated I fall back into my habits. I’m the one who deserves to be punished.
She doubles both fists and starts pummeling her thigh.
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Your story is so very different from both Yanni’s and mine. Good story. I was President of the Medical Staff for 21 of the 28 years I worked in a mental hospital, so I stay away from such stories. But I’ve seen similar ones, and your account rings patently true. Heartbreakingly true.
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This scene brims with atmosphere! Well done! I think some of the dialogue feels a little too expositional/on the nose, gives us way too much information. If you could withhold some of it, keep us guessing, until all is revealed at the end, it would make for an even more gripping scene I believe.
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LESSON 10
LOGLINE: Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?
ESSENCE: Survival
SITUATION: Two double agents are pitted against each other to see who is loyal to the U.S.
SCENE ARC: John and Nick meet on the brink of Crooks Peak; they play cat and mouse, they get serious, Nick pulls a knife, and John falls backward off the brink and disappears. The entire incident is being filmed from Mt. Whitney.
LOGLINE:
Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?
ESSENCE:
Survival, both in the personal sense and in the sense of country.
SCENE: JOHN AND NICK MEET ON CROOKS PEAK
SITUATION:
A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC:
From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
JOHN: THE GOOD GUY
TRAITS
Daring/Distrustful/Loyal/Loner
Subtext:
John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.
NICK: THE BAD GUY
TRAITS
Confident/Conniving/Rebellious/Giving
Subtext:
Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.
EXT. CROOKS PEAK – DAY
From a trail on the western side of the peak —
INSERT – TRAIL SIGN, which reads –
“CROOKS PEAK/14,179 ft.”
BACK TO SCENE
Crooks Peak is seen to be the middle needle of a three-needle grouping, each with the surface appearance of a narrow slice of pizza strewn with large, flat, talus-like sheets of rock – their toppings.
Between the needles, there are yawing, precipitous gaps, leaving the needle-points dangerously exposed – not for the faint of heart.
JOHN DAVIS, (45), is a CIA double operative who lives in secret, which suits his personality well. He’s also a seasoned rock climber and mountaineer, but who would know? He doesn’t say much. His CIA assignment is to test Nick’s loyalty.
John sits with his back to the three ragged boulders that make up the peak’s ultimate point.
He’s wearing a helmet and climber’s harness.
While the western side of the peak appears to be a gentle slope, the eastern scarp faces are another story. They are disturbing in their near two thousand feet of vertical drop.
John has tethered himself to a several-ton, spindle-shaped chunk of granite with two opposing nylon slings and a length of climbing rope.
He looks terrified and silly, sitting there hooked via carabiners and rope to a large rock – on the sloping side of the crest, no less.
NICK POLANSKI, (48), is an aerospace engineer from Southern California. He is also a double operative, but for which country has come into question? He has been led to believe that the CIA suspects John, and he is to get John to admit to his disloyalty.
From John’s point of view, the figure of a man in a climbing helmet leaves the trail and climbs up the slope toward him. It’s Nick.
His feet seem to be cast in lead as he clomps up the slope, gasping wildly after every three or four steps.
Nick waves to him, and John waves back.
LATER
Nick approaches John, he points to the tether and laughs —
NICK
What the hell is this?
John tries to laugh but complains —
JOHN
Who’s the damned fool who set this meeting up? And why?
NICK
Don’t sweat it. I don’t like heights, either – just sayin’.
(breathless beat)
They told me to wear and look for a man in a climbing helmet, so you must be John?
JOHN
Yes. I’m John. And you must be Nick. So why are we here, then?
NICK
(laughingly)
Probably the only place left, in America, that isn’t bugged.
John forces a chuckle.
JOHN
You’re probably right.
(beat)
So besides that, why are we here?
NICK
You don’t know?
JOHN
Not really. Something about comparing notes on quantum computers.
NICK
Yes. What do you know about them?
JOHN
Precious little.
NICK
Then, indeed, why are we here?
JOHN
To confirm that the Chinese have already incorporated them into their military program?
NICK
(laughs)
Who have you been talking to? They’re years behind us. You are one of us, aren’t you?
JOHN
Us? What do you mean by that?
NICK
If you’re CIA, you should know we’re way ahead of the Chinese.
JOHN
Yeah, but who can we trust these days? The organization is it’s full of moles and double agents and —
NICK
I resent the implications. I do not work for the Chinese while pretending —
JOHN
Resent all you want, but why are we here? One of us has got to be under suspicion. Maybe both of us?
NICK
Well, it sure ain’t me, and the U.S. has nothing to worry about.
JOHN
Well, according to my information, we have lots to worry about.
NICK
Poppycock.
JOHN
Nick, I’ve seen the evidence, first-hand. We most certainly do need to worry.
NICK
No, we don’t.
JOHN
Then, you must be the bad apple, trying to misdirect everyone.
NICK
Why would I do that? I have a wife — a family.
JOHN
Money? Why else do traitors sell themselves out to our enemies?
NICK
Who do you think our enemies are? You’re a total lying knot-head. America is no longer we, the people, and you know more than you’re saying.
JOHN
You really believe that crap, don’t you?
NICK
Of course, I do. Everyone who can, has got their hands in the government till. We’re robbing each other for our own thirty pieces of silver while the weak – the poor – don’t stand a chance.
JOHN
Then correct it, Nick. Don’t finish them off.
NICK
You just don’t get it, do you? I am correcting it.
Nick draws a knife from his cargo pants.
NICK
Nothing personal, John. It’s just about survival.
JOHN
(points to the knife)
What are you going to do with that? You’ll give yourself away.
NICK
No, I won’t. You’re the Chinese agent if I say so – you tried to kill me.
JOHN
Why would I do that?
NICK
Survival.
John stands, but crouched down, as Nick lunges for him, left hand grabbing John’s rope.
John kicks at Nick’s knife-wielding hand, but Nick swings around and slashes at John’s rope above where he is gripping it.
The rope snaps, and Nick kicks John in the chest while still firmly gripping the end of the rope.
John staggers back, falls over the edge – disappears – it’s a long way down.
Nick tries to look over the edge, but the sheer face is so remarkably vertical he can’t see a thing.
Nick gulps, and appears queasy, but rolls up the rope and stuffs the nylon straps into his rucksack.
Nick looks around. He’s the only person in sight.
NICK
(to himself, smiling)
Now that we all think we know who’s who and what’s what, who will ever really know? Screw the U.S.; I’ll tell them what they want to hear.
Nick beats a hasty retreat, down the mountain.
INSERT – THE HUT ATOP MOUNT WHITNEY, a telescopic view which shows –
Slammed against the stone wall of the hut, a man with a high-powered camera that filmed the entire incident.
BACK TO CROOKS PEAK.
NOTE: In a subsequent scene, we will see that John was double roped (from behind), swung around on a hidden predetermined bolt, and landed in a cleft in the rock face. He waits for Nick to leave. John gets his information both directly and indirectly.
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Good, tense writing Alfred. I really enjoyed the pizza-like description hahaha.. My only minor note would be to maybe try and insert a little more subtext to your dialogue. As it is now it works just fine, but if there was a way to make it clearer to the audience that one of them is clearly lying, I feel the suspense would grow dramatically!
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I posted this on 9, and am posting it again here for feedback exchange:
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LOGLINE: Geek John dares to confront the most dangerous bully in school to get back his USB with his whole life on it.
ESSENCE: John needs to prove himself to himself and his father.
=================
EXT. SCHOOL YARD – DAY
Students milling around during lunch break. JOHN (17), a gangly geek with sunken chest and coke bottle glasses, approaches geek RHINO (17).
JOHN: Hey, Rhino, do you know where Nick is?
RHINO: Switchblade Nick? Why in blue blazes would you want to find him, John? [suspense, fear]
JOHN: I think it’s his gang that stole my flash drive. [fear]
RHINO: (incredulous) You didn’t make a back-up?
JOHN: Been busy with vidoeing my Harvard interview. I, uh, forgot. [fear] (whines) And I can’t put anything on my laptop, the way my Mom is. [distrusts] And as Dad lays it into me I’m not anywhere near sports scholarship material.
RHINO: Look, Switchblade’ll kill you just for looking at him cross-eyed. [suspense, fear, set-up 1]
JOHN: I-I’m not afraid. I’ve known that big bully since second grade when I was three inches taller than him and he looked up to me. [set-up 2] (off Rhino’s worry) My whole life is on that drive. I need it to get into college AND get an academic scholarship. It’s live brave or die a coward. Or is that live a coward or die brave? [daring]
RHINO: Playing too many Nathan Drake video games, huh? (off John’s “oh brother” face) Okay, I saw him go into the gym with his gang. You’d better take a guard or teacher with you. Or both. [fear, suspense]
JOHN: I have to do this alone. [loner]
Rhino, gaping mouth, goes wide-eyed with fear. [suspense, fear]
JOHN (CONT’D): They’re all afraid of him. I can’t trust them to help and they’d just stop me from going. [distrusts]
RHINO: I’d go with you, but-but… I have to practice for the scrabble tournament…
JOHN: No problem, Bud, but thanks anyway… And I’ll be there tomorrow to back you at the tournament. [loyal]
RHINO: (eek) If it’s live for you and not die. [suspense, fear]
John heads toward the gym, sees COACH (40s) in sportswear with cap and whistle on the way. John pauses to speak MOS with him. Coach shakes his head “no,” listens, then nods “yes.” [intrigue, set-up 3]
John heads into
INT. THE GYM – DAY
Shooting baskets are TWO HOMEBOYS (15, 16). Burly SWITCHBLADE NICK (17) watches tough-faced.
NICK: Okay, five free shots. Winner gets the fake Rolex. [giving]
He opens his jacket, revealing various stolen items, including the fake Rolex. The boys line up and start shooting.
In the corner are TWO OTHER DEADBEAT HOMEBOYS and purple-haired ANGEL (15), a home girl, their lunch trash strewn about. Other than those few the huge gym is empty.
John peeks in then enters nervously, tries to strut out his sunken chest. Nick notes him with a sneer of expectation. [confident] John approaches him, carefully skirting the basketball players. [fear; no authorities around]
JOHN: Seems I, uh, misplaced my flash drive. D’ya know where it might be?
NICK: You don’t have a backup?
John shakes his head no. Nick give him a nasty TSK.
NICK: Nope, no idea.
Nick pokes his finger into John’s chest. [fear]
NICK: You shouldn’t leave valuable things like that in your back pocket. I mean, five terabytes. No telling who may have paid that pickpocket big bucks for it. [subtext: Nick has it or know where it is. Suspense/fear – is it gone forever or erased? Will John fight Nick for it?]
JOHN: (scrunches his face) Look, I could maybe offer to buy it back. [hope]
NICK: No deal. What I want is something much more. Like getting the school to lay off me and my boys here, and girl. They keep gunning for us. And we want free range of the gym during lunch break, no harassment for booze at school events, and no police interference. [Conniving]
JOHN: How can I do that? [fear he can’t produce]
NICK: Since Vice Principle Ferguson is your dad, it shouldn’t be hard.
JOHN: I don’t know. Dad’s the type who would blow my drive just to retaliate against you, but I’m sure I could get Coach to take care of those matters. He’d do anything for me, thinking I have influence on Dad… who’s getting upset with Coach because of all our football losses.
NICK: You drive a hard bargain, Geekling, but back to buying it AND getting Coach to take care of those matters. Afterall, I need to provide something for my homeboys. [giving] Especially for Angel, since she got it from your pocket when Alfie distracted you, and she still has it.
Angel takes the drive and waves it in the distance. John looks at her with a satisfied grin.
JOHN: (squeaky voice) No deal and I’m calling the police. [character change; fear – can they get there in time to stop the fight?]
Nick shoves John, who nearly falls backward.
NICK: You’re a fool. Straight “A”s and so stupid. Do you know what we can do to you? Who do you think hoisted Hammerhead Jerkins up the flagpole? [fear]
JOHN: Go ahead, slug me. [Surprise, fear, character change]
NICK: (fake meek) I don’t want to fight you, Bro… and get juvie. [character change]
JOHN: What? You don’t hit guys with glasses?
John takes off his glasses and pockets them. His eyes going CGI-BOING CROSS-EYED.
JOHN: There…
Nick sees John’s crazy eyes and slowly builds up to crazy angry. [fear, pay-off to set-up 1] In the bokeh background–a direction we have not viewed until now–some FIGURES stand in the shadow at the far exit. [pay-off 2? Hope?] Nick flips out in rage and slugs John in the gut.
John reels in pain, then as the background figures march forward he takes out his glasses, wipes them and puts them back on. It’s Coach and TWO POLICEMEN.<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> [hope; pay-off 2] Policeman 1 goes to Nick, cuffs him. Nick looks daggers at John. [betrayal]
COACH: Good work, John. Are you hurt?
JOHN: Never felt better. But for the record, (fake crying) he hit me hard. I think I have internal bleeding.
COACH: We’ve been trying to collar these slick miscreants for years. Your Dad’ll be so proud of you… You should join a police academy. Harvard, pooff.
Policeman 2 retrieves the flash drive from Angel, waves it to John, then cuffs her.
JOHN: (to himself with pride) John Nathan Drake!
He pulls a yes-fist.
As Nick is being led out, he looks back at John and whimpers.
NICK: We were friends. We used to catch pollywogs together in second grade! What happened, Bro? [character change; conniving]
JOHN: They turned into frogs?… (relents) Look, uh, Bro, I’m not really hurt at all. I’ll tell ‘em that, okay. [pay-off 2, loyal; twist]
NICK: And my girl. I think she’s carrying my baby.
JOHN: Your baby, huh?… Okay, Bro, I loaned it to her to help with that history assignment.
The policemen shake their heads, and Coach throws up his hands and whirls around in defeat.
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Critiquing my own scene:
As per Hal’s final suggestions for the western scene, I realized mine was sorta like that scene in that the whole school had been afraid of Nick and gang, so while John gave in at the twist ending out of loyalty to his childhood friend, Nick, he did bring the whole school together. And that can be show by a bigger confrontation with teachers and maybe other victim-students entering from all entrances to surround gang members trying to flee.
And since it’s a comedy, one gang guy seeing a dowdy teacher enter could get really scared: “It’s Miss Hummerbill, and I haven’t done that history assignment yet!”
Might take the time to redo this, if I have time.
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Lynn, excellent story. I wonder if Angel waves around the thumb drive John looks at her in RELIEF.
As Nick is ALMOSTlead out the two turn it around? That way there’s more time to talk.
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This is a very interesting story. Really kept me guessing. If I was to add one note, it’s that I didn’t really feel the comedy vibe so much. Had I not read it in your own critique I wouldn’t really have thought this was supposed to be comedic. I wonder if there is a way to up th humour a little somehow? Good job overall though. I could see a lot of the techniques in use here.
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Lesson 10
Logline: Montana Game Warden, John Wright is held hostage at an elk camp where he inadvertently discovers the hunter’s plan to wage war against the government.
Essence: A terrorist group is posing as elk hunters.
EXT. HIGH COUNTRY, MONTANA—DAY Interesting Setting
A green 4-wheel drive pickup with State of Montana insignia on the doors grinds its way up a rough two track trail headed for Elk Camp that reportedly has been harassing other camps and harvesting elk illegally.
The driver, John Wright (32), wears the distinctive red uniform shirt of a Montana Game Warden. Hidden underneath is a shoulder holster that holds a Sig Sauer 9 mm semi-auto strapped tight against his chest. His long guns, a 30.06 scoped Ruger and a 12 gauge shot gun rest side by side on the seat next to him. Other gear includes a sleeping bag, a state issued taser, bear spray and a cooler with 2 days rations.
A garbled message comes over the mic. John checks his cell. No bars.
He keys the mic and responds in case the message was for him.
JOHN: Warden Wright, #88. 10-20 approaching the timber line. KAJ668.
Nothing but static comes through in return. He pats the dash of his vehicle and talks to the Ford as if it were human.
JOHN: Well Matilda, it appears we’re alone up here high above civilization. Loner
John sings “Big John” to himself, often off key between retrieved breaths caused by the rough ride.
Suddenly, the Ford’s front suspension takes a nose-dive, John’s head hits the steering wheel. The back wheels spin in place. The vehicle is stuck.
JOHN: What the hell?
John examines the damage to the front end. A ditch has been trenched across the road. John retrieves his heavy coat, coveralls, a red cap with ear flaps, ammo, gloves, his rifle and a few pieces of beef jerky.
He walks up toward the elk camp. Thin air and increasing wind velocity cause him to stop to catch his breath. Then there’s a gun barrel pressed against his back. Suspense
A Voice: Hands up, Mister, before I put a bullet right straight through you! I’ll take the rifle, thank you.
John complies with the order then turns to meet his captor’s eyes.
JOHN: You’re just a kid. What are you doing up here?
A homely, gangly, pimpled faced boy (14) dressed in full camo, looks up to John through his sunglasses.
THE KID: I’m with the my pa’s elk camp. I can guide and shoot better’in most men, so don’t try no funny business.
JOHN: Who’s your dad?
THE KID: You’ll find out. Now walk. Suspence
The kid punches John’s back with his rifle barrel.
THE KID: Faster!
SEVERAL BEATS
JOHN: Aha! I smell a wood campfire, elk carcasses and horses. This your camp?
THE KID: Yep.
The men sitting around the campfire, put their plates and beers down to grab their hunting rifles and stand with guns drawn on John.
THE KID: Hey, Dad! I got him!
NICK CROOKER (45) a haggard faced, almost toothless man, with tobacco stains running out of the corners of his mouth, clad in his never-been-washed, animal blood stained Carharts, saunters out of a tent. Proud of his importance, he gives John a long gaze before spitting on the ground. Confident
NICK: And…who do we have here? Damned it boys, we’ve harvested ourselves our very own Game Warden. How about them apples?
The men put down their guns and resume their supper.
JOHN: Are you holding me hostage? The state of Montana doesn’t pay ransom.
NICK: (Sarcastically) What you talk’in ‘bout? Ain’t no hostages here. You’re our guest. Care for some campfire steak? The boys said the elk was mighty tasty. Conniving
JOHN: Thanks. If I’m a guest, when do I get my rifle back?
NICK: We’ll keep it safe until it’s time for you to leave. We don’t want any foul play or accidents. (To his kid) Put our guest’s rifle and plunder in my tent.
JOHN: What about my pickup?
NICK: I doubt its goin’ much of anywhere. Want a beer?
JOHN: No thanks. I’m officially on duty and it is against policy to drink on the job. Loyal
The men guffaw.
MARTIN SAWYER: (40) a tall, burley man, with an eye patch and yesterday’s food stuck in his beard, turns to John.
SAWYER: There’s a law out here amongst us elk hunters you best get yourself acquainted with.
JOHN: What’s that?
NICK: There is no law!
The men shake their heads in agreement. The kid brings John a plate of steak in gravy, coffee, and a biscuit. He motions John to the fire. John sits with the hunters.
JOHN: This is mighty good. Tender and it tastes more like beef than elk. How’d you bring enough beef up here to feed all these guys? Distrustful
NICK: We have our ways.
The men grunt in agreement. John finishes his plate. The kid takes his plate and utensils.
JOHN: (to the Kid) My compliments to the cook.
THE KID: Thanks.
John gets up and goes to the carcass hanging on a line. He counts the elk. He then counts the men at the fire. Daring
JOHN: How many hunters in this camp?
NICK: Enough.
JOHN: Correct me if I’m wrong, but it appears there are more elk hangin’ than there are hunters. I need to see your permits, please. Daring
The hunters stand, dig through their wallets and present their permits. John inspects.
JOHN: When I get back to my truck, I’ll have to issue you citations for the carcasses you don’t have permits for.
THE KID: The extra elk go to the poor folks down home.
NICK: They can’t afford no meat except what we give them. Giving
JOHN: Philanthropy is a good thing. But not in this case. I’ll cite your dad in violation times 4. You have more elk than what you have permits for.
NICK: Why jist me? Them guys shot the elk. Not me.
JOHN: You are the guide are you not? You know the law.
NICK: I ain’t admitt’in to nothin’.
JOHN: You have permission to camp on this land?
NICK: This is government land. Don’t need no permission. We’re all taxpayers here. Confident
JOHN: This land is leased for grazing by the Flatrock Cattle Co.
NICK: Can’t be.
The kid, tearing up and sniffling, runs into a tent. John follows. Fear Character change
NICK: (Yelling to John) You can’t go in there! Damnit! That tent is off limits!
John ducks into the tent lined with racks of high powered AR15’s and AK47’s, with ammunition boxes stacked toward the back. Hanging from the back wall is a swastika flag. The kid is sitting on a ammo box, pouting and whittling a stick with his pocket knife.
JOHN: I’m sorry, kid. But the law is the law and it is my job to enforce it. Loyal
JOHN (tenderly) You’re a good kid. When I get back to my truck, I’ll give you…
THE KID: Good luck with that, stuppo cop! You ain’t got no pickup. It’s been stripped down. How do you think we get money for all this?
John steps outside. He is face to face with Nick.
JOHN: What is really goin’ on here? You planning a war?
NICK: Might. Confident
JOHN: A war with who?
SAWYER: The government. Then Jews and Jew lovers. Shows worst side
JOHN: Montana or D.C.?
SAWYER: Ya, them too.
A noise is heard in the timber. The hunters jump to their feet, guns ready to fire. Fear
JOHN: Kinda paranoid, aren’t you? Suspense?
NICK: Just careful. We had an unwanted visitor yesterday. A mad bull elk stormed through camp. Tore the hell out of things. But Hamilton here stepped up and shot his mad ass (chuckles). Served him right.
A rancher, Darrel Steel (50) on horseback picks his way through the timber to the elk camp. He rides into camp with his rife pointed upward. He points his AR at the hunters. Twist
STEEL: Throw your weapons down and your hands up, you damned low life, squattin’ sons of bitches! Freeze! And no funny business—or I’ll have to hurt you. You’re camp’in here without permission. And then you help yourself to one of my Herefords. I saw the hide hanging in a tree back there. It has my brand on it.
JOHN: Mr. Steel, I’m John Wright, Montana Game Warden. I’m being held hostage against my will. All these guys are huntin’without permission, they have butchered your cow, and they have harvested more elk than they have permits for. They have vandalized my truck and that ain’t the half of it. They’re plannin’ a war. Hope
STEEL: Jesus! This sounds like one hell of a mess.
With his rifle pointed on the hunters, Steel unties one of their riding horses. Leads the horse closer to the campfire.
STEEL: The tack is stacked over there. Saddle up this gelding. We’re gettin’ out’a here before dark or the National Guard shows up. Hope
NICK: Ha! No National Guard’s ever goin’ to show up here. You’re bluffing. You’ll never make it ou’ta here alive! Conniving
John commences to saddle the bay. When he leans under the horse’s belly to grab the cinch, he feels a cold gun barrel poking his back. He reaches into his left boot, pulls out his Buck fixed blade knife, wheels around and stabs his attacker in the gut. Fear
The attacker falls to the ground, blood filling his mouth and oozing through his jacket. Only then John recognizes the person he has killed. It is the kid.
JOHN: Oh shit! Oh no! Oh God! Surprise
STEEL: Did you just give them their war?
JOHN: Afraid so. Fear
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Jo, I love this scene. You’re writing is so gritty. It’s always an emotional moment when they stab or shoot the kid.
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INT. POSH BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT — NIGHT
Seated at a center table, NICK (40s)- a tall, devilishly handsome head of a studio with slick-backed hair and an Armani suit- draws glances from the other impeccably dressed diners. He radiates power.
Across from him, JOHN (50s): a schlubby, A list writer who- despite his success- plays the role of a struggling scribe.
They both drink glasses of (comically) expensive wine. It’s a business meeting and they’re not seeing eye to eye.
NICK: We can get another writer. Not like you’re the only game in town, pal. Hell, I bet the wait staff here could bump heads and knock out a killer script- it’s not exactly rocket science.
JOHN (sighs): I’m not… I just want the same deal as last time. That’s not asking a lot.
NICK: In this environment, it is. It is asking a lot, John. You’re not on the business side, you don’t know. And frankly, I’m a lil’ offended. Hell, I took a chance on you when you were writing sappy shinola for Hallmark. Don’t forget where your bread’s buttered, pal.
And sips his wine, staring down John.
JOHN: Can I ask… is this what you always wanted to be growing up? Like, when you were in 5th grade, did you wanna be someone who screws other people over? Was that, like, a career goal of yours?
NICK: Look, asshole. Don’t even… know how much I give to charity? Huh? Any idea, tubby?
JOHN: Yeah, think I saw it in a press release. (Nick snorts, pissed off) Rest easy, okay? The whole world knows how swell of a guy you are.
NICK: I’m wasting my fucking time. (beat) Awright, last chance- gonna sign the contract or not?
John drinks his wine, wracking his brain…
JOHN: Fine. I’ll sign the stupid thing.
NICK: Well, thank fucking God. And fuck you for making me sweat. Asshole.
JOHN: But I need a clause put in there.
NICK: Gotta be… pressing your luck, pal.
JOHN (gestures with his hands, emphasizing each word): ‘You. Can’t. Sleep. With. My. Wife.’
NICK: What?!
JOHN: ‘Again.’
NICK: Awright, you know what? FUCK you. I don’t need this shit.
Snatches his suit jacket off the chair.
NICK: Thought you were the right man for the job. Apparently- obviously- I was wrong. And believe me, that doesn’t happen a lot. (beat) Fuck your sorry, cottage cheese ass. I’ll get Sorkin.
JOHN: Sure? His wife, I mean… she’s a 6. At best.
NICK: I don’t even know who your fucking wife is!
JOHN: You’re head of the studio. I thought you knew ‘every fucking thing.’
Nick gulps down his wine as recognition washes over him.
NICK: Wait- isn’t she some actress on some cancelled show?
JOHN: Something like that.
NICK: Birds of a feather, huh? (beat) I’ll pay for this ’cause I AM a swell fucking guy. And I don’t need a press release to know it’s true.
Stands up and slaps on his jacket.
NICK: Know what else is true? You’ll never work for the studios again. (beat) Oh, yeah. We’re a chummy bunch. And I’m the swellest of the lot- I’m E.F. fucking Hutton. When I talk, they listen.
Swaggers away. Then whirls around-
NICK: Oh, and one more truism: you know, on second thought, I think I DID fuck your wife.
Smirks at John, then struts toward the door. Fuming, John leaps from his chair, trots toward Nick, and PUNCHES him in the back of the head. Jumps on top of Nick and takes out all the aggression, beating the living shit out of him.
The other diners and wait staff don’t interfere, but happily snap pictures of the pummeling. ‘Nother night in Hollywood.
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David, this script is so well written. good job. I can easily see the traits and subtext is all there. Good job.
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This is an excellent scene! Love the dialogue and the way you write action always leaves me in awe. Part of me also hopes this story is in the same “cinematic universe” as the one from my own scenes hahahahaha Great job!
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You’re very kind, Yanni; I blush… yeah, I think I did borrow (okay, steal) the idea of a writer and a producer from your first scene:)
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LESSON 8: QE Cycle #1 First Draft
LOGLINE: A bomb has been planted and the cops need to know where
ESSENCE: Sometimes good people have to do bad things
————————-Begin Scene Description—————
SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
Nick enters the interview room and turns on the recorder.
NICK
This is Detective Sergeant Carter and the time is…twelve oh-six. OK you gave them the runaround so no more fucking about.
JOHN
And what’ll you do for me?
NICK
I’ll not break your frigging face. How’s that for starters?
JOHN
Not good enough. Show me the deal, in writing, or it’s no go.
NICK
If what you’ve told us is true there’s no time. We need
JOHN
Go and get someone…
(studies Nick’s ID which is clipped to his chest)
with the authority to
NICK
I can
JOHN
No you effing can’t Sergeant! Now piss off and get a grown-up.
NICK
And if I could do that?
JOHN
Then I’ll tell them to piss off as well. I’m not grassing. Anyway we, my lot, don’t take kindly to touting.
NICK
No pals?
JOHN
I work alone, It’s best.
NICK
Look we can do a deal. You tell me what, where and when and I personally will have a word in the Judge’s shell-like. You fully co-operate and you’ll pull seven years…tops! Out in four. Come on now that’s not a bad deal.
JOHN
Nah. Fuck that! I’ll take my chances. Who knows maybe I’ll escape?
NICK
If that bomb goes off they’ll lock you up and throw away the key.
JOHN
Fly away little piggy, fly away.
NICK
At least tell me what we’re dealing with here. What is the device? What size is it?
JOHN
Can’t do any hharm at this stage of the game I suppose. We got it through some middle-men. War surplus.
NICK
War what are you talking about.
JOHN
When you cut and ran from Afghanistan you left a lot behind. No cabin baggage allowed I suppose. Anyway we picked up some loverly ordinance courtsey of Uncle Sam.
NICK
What? You mean like a land mine or summat?
JOHN
The Air Force doesn’t drop bloody land mines.
NICK
You mean a bomb? You bought a bloody air force bomb.
JOHN
It’s like a souk out there you
NICK
What size of bloody bomb?
JOHN
Not my field mate. Do I look as though I’m in the Air Force? All I know was it took four of us to lift it off the trolly and
NICK
Jesus where
JOHN
We didn’t even have to pay them. They were glad to give it to us…payback. I think we’re done here. What time is it?
NICK
Nearly quarter past. Why? Where is this bloody bomb?
JOHN
I’ll even tell you the when. Twelve thirty.
NICK
Fifteen minutes? Christ on a stick. You’d
JOHN
I’d like a nice cup of tea thank you Sergeant…and maybe a few biscuits?
Nick sits there then
(beat)
stands up and unzips his fly. Nick walks around the desk and starts urinating on John. John stands up and tries to move but he’s chained to the desk.
JOHN
Here what the
Nick finshes and zips himself up.
JOHN
Are you fucking mad I’ll
Nick draws a Taser out from his pocket.
NICK
Quit your bleating and
JOHN
I’ll see
NICK
(laughs)
See what? No judge will believe you.
Nick frys John repeatedly. Johnis left gasping, retching, screaming until
NICK
Well?
Nick takes another battery pack out from his pocket
NICK
Round Two?
JOHN
(weakly)
What time is it?
NICK
It’s…Jesus twelve twenty nine. It’s too
JOHN
Late
NICK
(screams)
Where is that fucking bomb?
JOHN
(whispers)
Here.
————————-End Scene Description—————
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LOGLINE: JOHN’S MISSION IS A FAILURE
ESSENCE: JOHN AND NICK GET INTO A CAT AND MOUSE TIFF.
AUGUST 20, 1776 AMERICAN REVOLUTION
EXT, HAUL OF EMPIRE BRITISH SHIP –NIGHT
John climbs up the anchor. He carries a waterproof bag on his back.He gets aboard and finds a cleaners closet where he puts on the red uniform over white with black boots. John tries to get down below decks to start a leak. But he is caught by the English and taken in front of Nick who struts like a Bantum Rooster.
INT. NICK’S CABIN-NIGHT
John is searched for weapons and then tied to a chair.
NICK
Who are you? Are you alone or with someone else?
JOHN
I’m Stevens, John Stevens. I work
alone.
NICK
Who do you work for?
JOHN
Why should I tell you?
NICK
We will win this war. You will see. The crown always wins. That America, as you call it, will be ours. I give you that.
That is all John sees of Nick. A black bag is put over his head.
NICK
Guard, make sure he stays awake.
AUGUST 21,1776-NIGHT
Nick slaps John awake.
NICK
And don’t even think about sleep until you give up the where abouts of George Washington and his personal army.
JOHN
What day is it?
NICK
(lying)
3 days have already passed.
JOHN
Give me information about where this British army is headed.
Nick is silent and leaves the room.
AUGUST 22,1776 -NIGHT
Nick enters the room again.
NICK
Do you have a wife and kids, John?
JOHN
You leave them out of this.
NICK
Well, look who we have here.
WOMAN
John, are you alright?
JOHN
Becky, is that you?
WOMAN
I… I–
NICK
That’s enough out of you wench.
We hear a loud slap.
WOMAN
Ohhhh.
JOHN
You leave her alone.
John tries to rise. His ropes are frayed enough that he breaks free and yanks off his mask.
JOHN
You’re not my wife. What kind of game are you playing Nick?
John takes a few punches at Nick before Nick punches back. They fight around his woman until Nick is on the floor bleeding and unconscious. John takes the woman and they flee to try to sink the boat but John sees they are at a port where he and the woman get off.
-
SCENE: (Lesson 10 – Cycle QE#2 – 2nd Draft, after watching the video critique)
LOGLINE: John, an undercover cop, tries to get Nick to agree “on tape” to pay for a hit on the mayor and to gain entrance into his criminal organization in order to get information to shut it down.
ESSENCE: John tries to show he’s cool and tough enough to work for Nick’s criminal enterprise while Nick tries to determine John’s capability, access to get the job done and suitability for a chance at full-time employment.
NOTE: Since actually showing the fight scene wasn’t mandatory, I chose not to include it.
INT. DIVE BAR – NIGHT
Low light obscures the worn and scarred furnishings. Most table are full with a lower-class clientele dressed appropriately.
At a table at the back, NICK BALBONI, 45, well-groomed, sports jacket, white shirt but no tie, sips his drink. TWO BRUTES, ABE, 30 and BULL, 25, sit on either side scanning the room. They are muscular and menacing. Both wear their jackets open to reveal they are carrying weapons. The tables closest to them are empty. There is a NO SMOKING sign just behind Nick’s head.
Entering the bar is JOHN, 30, five o’clock shadow, leather vest, no shirt, jeans. He heads straight for the bar, orders a drink.
Bull nods to Abe. He turns to Nick.
ABE
He’s here, boss.
Nick cleans lint off his sports jacket.
John turns from the bar, sips his drink, scans the room. He raises his glass to Nick.
Nick cleans his fingernails.
Bull hurries to the bar.
BULL
Don’t draw attention to the boss, asshole.
(puts a hand on John)
C’mon.
John shrugs him off.
JOHN
He can wait.
Bull seethes. He turns to Nick for guidance.
Nick removes a cigar from his jacket, lights up and blows a huge smoke ring.
John pounds his drink down, sets the glass on the bar. He walks to the table and sits across from Nick without being asked.
Nick smooths his jacket, fails to make eye contact with John.
Abe seizes John’s forearm.
ABE
You don’t sit until the boss tells you to sit.
Bull sits down, opens his jacket to clearly reveal his weapon.
JOHN
(looks at Abe’s hand)
Don’t get too attached to that paw of yours
’cause I might have to break it.
Nick nods to Abe. He releases John.
JOHN
I could use another drink, Nick. You buying?
NICK
(chuckles)
For you, John, anything. Maybe a snack, too?
JOHN
I could use a cheeseburger. Plain, no crap on it. No
fries. And a Molson. Make that two Molson’s.
(Turns to Abe)
Think you can manage that, Ape?
ABE
(through gritted teeth)
Name’s Abe, not ape.
JOHN
Honest mistake.
NICK
I’m a gentleman, John, but Abe and Bull don’t have the
best of manners. You don’t want to agitate them.
JOHN
Lose the muscle and we can talk, man-to-man, unless you
can’t hold up your end.
(beat)
Maybe you’re only tough when you have Ape and Bullshit
holding your hands.
Abe and Bull each grab one of John’s arms.
JOHN
I had a dog like them once. Turned on me. Had to put him down.
They do that sometimes. Turn on you.
Nick waves Abe and Bull off.
Abe and Bull release John.
NICK
Do me a favor, Abe. Get him his burger. He’s an asshole
but he’s gonna be our asshole. You guys get something for
yourselves, too.
(to Bull)
John here is a Stanley tool. The right tool for the job.
Don’t I always say that, Bull? The right tool for the job.
That’s why I always use Stanley tools.
(beat)
Make sure what John and I say here, stays here and only here.
ABE
(glares at John)
Whatever you say, Mr. Balboni.
Bull stares at Nick a moment, uncomprehending.
Abe whispers to him. Bull’s eyes light up. He nods.
Abe and Bull head for the bar.
JOHN
I hope you had them neutered.
NICK
You shouldn’t have come here, John. I don’t like
doing business outside my comfort zone.
JOHN
You look comfortable to me.
(look around)
I’m surprised to see you in a shithole like this. Bet
your business associates wouldn’t approve.
NICK
You think I give a fuck what those assholes think!
I’m gonna own them. I’m gonna own this whole
fucking town!
JOHN
King Nicholas, the first.
NICK
You’ve got a cast iron pair, John. I like that. I don’t
want people working for me who scare easily.
JOHN
I’m not working for you yet.
NICK
You want to know what’s in if for you. I’m a businessman,
I respect that. But let me be perfectly clear: when you’re
swimming in my ocean, you’re swimming with sharks.
You want to play for the winning team.
JOHN
You’re mixing your metaphors.
Nick leans close, conspiratorial.
NICK
(softly)
Abe and Bull want to ice you pretty bad.
(beat)
Convince me! Why should I stop them?
JOHN
They want to ice me? I thought they were
just attack dogs. They do your thinking
for you, too?
NICK
(stares hard)
You’re either about to get rich or about to
get dead.
JOHN
What’s this all about? I got a right to know.
NICK
This ain’t a democracy. You don’t got no
rights I don’t give you.
JOHN
I need to know why. It’s who I am.
NICK
This ain’t about what you want. For the
money I’m paying you –
JOHN
I don’t want to know, I need to know. It helps me
justify. Makes me sympathize with your need and
make it my own. Makes it my mission. Personal.
Nick leans back, his eyes focused, intense. He
stares off into the past.
NICK
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cop.
John frowns.
Nick puts a hand over his heart.
NICK (CONT’D)
Swear to God.
(beat)
I wanted to be the good guy. But if you
they won’t let you be the good guy . . .
Nick’s eyes tear up. He looks away, wipes
them with his sleeve.
JOHN
This isn’t just payback. You’re sending a message.
NICK
With that son-of-a-bitch dead no one will dare
stand up to me.
JOHN
What happened? Why didn’t you become a cop?
NICK
His honor, the mayor, happened.
John waits, expectant.
NICK
Long a story. Another time, maybe.
(beat)
You sure you can get inside?
JOHN
I got access.
(beat)
But I want in. Not just this one job. I want to be part of your little
organization. Not in America, of course. Not after this.
NICK
Your mom will get blamed.
JOHN
She’ll pass any lie detector test because she’ll tell the truth. She won’t
even know I’m in the house.
(beat)
I know her cleaning routine. Start to finish. I’ve got a dupe key
and the passcode.
NICK
Won’t be hard for the cops to figure out if it wasn’t your mom, it was
someone close to her.
JOHN
But I won’t be hanging around because you’ll prove I was on a private
plane that left town the night before.
NICK
I can arrange a credit card trail support that.
(beat)
I’ll send Abe and Bull to help you.
JOHN
Those two WWF freaks will only draw attention.
(beat)
I work alone or not at all.
NICK
If you can pull this off, you got a job for life.
Nick extends his hand.
JOHN
However long it lasts.
John shakes.
NICK
I can have you out of the country the same night. I can take
care of your mom, too.
JOHN
Very generous of you, Nick, but I won’t let you involve her
in this. Pay me extra instead and I’ll make sure she gets it. I
don’t want it traced to you and I don’t want her owing nothing
to you.
NICK
You don’t trust me. I’m sick in my heart.
JOHN
But you’ll get over it.
(beat)
About my advance.
NICK
Half now, the rest when the job’s done.
JOHN
Cash only.
NICK
Let’s take it to my little office in the back.
JOHN
Lead the way . . . boss.
Nick leads John to the back room.
Bull stands at the open door.
Inside, Abe sits at a desk. On the desk is a cheeseburger and two cans of Molson Golden.
John smiles.
JOHN
Maybe we can be friends after all, Abe.
John walks inside and sits. He digs into his burger.
At the door, Bull leans close to Nick.
BULL
(holds up small device)
He’s wearing a digital transmitter. I called Stanley. He’s
waiting for the word to block it.
NICK
I was just starting to like John.
BULL
I’m really gonna enjoy this.
NICK
Give Stanley the word. Then show John just how
ill-mannered you and Abe can be.
-
Anna’s request for critiques: I’m catching up on some exercises that “life” forced me to skip. If anybody else is trailing behind, please PM me and I’d be happy to exchange feedback. In the meantime, I used the skill mastery techniques to tweak a few things.
LOGLINE: John and his friends sneak into his neighbor’s yard to investigate a possible connection to a missing girl that John likes, but when he engages Nick in a war of wits, he discovers that Nick is a 125-year-old vampire
ESSENCE: A solid knowledge of your own history can unveil a poser.
SCENE:
EXT. NIGHTIME – JOHN’S BACK FENCE
JOHN (age 14), FREDDIE (age 14), and ALLISON (age 13) climb on top of several trash cans lined up alongside a six-foot stockade fence. One of the trash cans, a big Rubbermaid bin, collapses inward, leaving FREDDIE hanging on the fence.
JOHN
Quiet!
FREDDIE
I thought you said it wasn’t sharp?
ALLISON
Nimrod! I told you to climb on the metal barrel.
John’s Jack Russell Terrier, COMET, begins to bark.
JOHN
Quiet, Comet! He’ll hear us.
ALLISON
Shhhh….
FREDDIE
Are you going to help me, or what?
The barrels clatter as Allison leaps down and shoves her galvanized steel garbage can underneath Freddie’s feet. The can rattles as Freddie finishes pulling himself up. Allison carefully climbs up on the barrel beside him, while John climbs up on his own steel barrel. The three of them peer into their neighbor’s backyard.
ALLISON
It looks perfectly normal to me.
JOHN
(points to some zinnias)
Do you see that disturbed earth? There. Next to the shed.
FREDDIE
All I see is flowers.
ALLISON
I can’t see anything. It’s too dark.
JOHN
We’ll sneak in and investigate.
FREDDIE
Are you crazy? I think we should call the police.
JOHN
I already tried that, but my parents wouldn’t believe me, and then Nick convinced the police that he was out with friends.
FREDDIE
I told you not to skip social studies class.
ALLISON
At least not alone…
JOHN
I was trying to find Meghan!
(frustrated)
The police didn’t even look! All they did was repeat back everything Nick said, like the stormtroopers in Star Wars when Obi Wan Kenobi says “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
ALLISON
(mockingly)
Oh, Meghan! You have such lovely blonde hair. Let me ride into the rescue so you’ll talk to me in English class.
JOHN
Knock it off! Meghan is in trouble. I can feel it.
FREDDIE
My teacher thinks Meghan just ran away.
They all stare apprehensively at the neighbor’s house. It’s a perfectly normal Craftsman style home, with a suburban backyard, complete with maple trees, flowering daylilies, and a white picket fence which ends at a tidy looking tool shed.
ALLISON
I thought you said Nick was keeping her inside the shed?
JOHN
I’m not sure what I saw. All I know is that I saw him lead Meghan into the shed, and then a few hours later, he dug a big hole hole—
(gestures at the zinnias)
–and dumped something into it that could have been a body.
ALLISON
What do you mean, -could- have been a body? You told us this morning it was definitely a body.
JOHN
Whatever it was, it was wrapped in a white sheet. It was five feet long. And it bent in the right places to be a human.
FREDDIE
(scared)
Guys? I don’t think this is a very good idea.
Ignoring their reservations, John leaps over the fence, followed by Allison. Freddie clamors over, but his coat gets caught on the wooden pickets and he dangles.
FREDDIE
Help!
JOHN and ALLISON
Shhhh!
COMET resumes yapping from the other side of the fence. Allison helps Freddie get unstuck while John sneaks over to the shed and peers in the windows.
A spotlight goes on, flooding the back yard with 600 watts of daylight. A light turns on inside the back door.
JOHN
Quick! Hide!
Freddie squeaks and runs back and forth like a chicken with its head cut off. John and Allison dive into the narrow space between the shed and the picket fence. They grab Freddie and drag him into the crack with them.
The back door opens. Out steps NICK, well-dressed Eurotrash who appears age 25, but there is something about the way he walks which speaks of a predator.
On the other side of the fence, COMET barks ferociously at the spot where they are hiding.
NICK
Ollie, ollie, encomptree!
He stares into the dark as though he can see them.
NICK (cont’d)
You might be better burglars if your dog didn’t yap.
FREDDIE
We’re not burglars!
JOHN and ALLISON
Shhhhh!
NICK
Then what are you doing breaking into my shed?
JOHN
We weren’t breaking in.
He steps from between the gap.
JOHN (cont’d)
We’re here to sell popcorn. To raise money for Boy Scouts. And we decided to—
ALLISON
(cuts in)
–take a shortcut.
JOHN
Yeah, a shortcut. Over the back fence. Being neighbors and all.
Nick gives them an incredulous look, but for some reason, goes along with it.
NICK
So, you guys are Boy Scouts, eh?
JOHN
Yeah.
Nick points at Allison.
NICK
She’s not a boy.
(mockingly)
And I suppose you’re also selling Girl Scout cookies?
ALLISON
(indignant)
For your information, it’s Scouts BSA now. They accept girls. And I just made second class.
FREDDIE
(stutters)
And I – I – I j-j-just made tenderfoot.
JOHN
And I’m a Life Scout, working on my Eagle.
Nick gives them a calculating look.
NICK
So where’s your popcorn sale sheets?
Allison reaches into her pocket and pulls out a scrap of yellow lined paper and a pen. She speaks at the same time as John.
ALLISON
Here, and I have my pen.
JOHN
(at the same time)
Freddie was carrying them. He dropped them on the other side of the fence.
Nick gives a laugh that sounds like Boris Karloff in a B-grade horror movie.
NICK
I saw him dangling.
(laughs)
So, okay. Say I buy your story. What will you get when you sell enough popcorn?
JOHN
(earnestly)
I’m hoping to fund my Eagle Project.
NICK
Eagle, ey? Don’t you have to reach Star Scout first?
JOHN
Life Scout trumps a Star Scout.
NICK
No it doesn’t.
JOHN
(looks confused)
Yes, it does. You don’t know anything about Boy Scouts.
NICK
Yes I do. I made it to Star Scout. And I definitely out-rank you.
ALLISON and FREDDIE look to one another and snicker.
NICK
What?
JOHN
When were you in Boy Scouts? Back in the dark ages?
NICK
(irritated)
I’ll remind you that you are trespassers here. In the middle of the night. With a lame story about selling popcorn. And now you’re telling me I don’t even know what rank I got?
JOHN
(shrewdly)
That’s not it, at all. We were just wondering how your merit badges stacked up, way-back-when, versus today?
NICK
(proudly)
I had to earn 5 merit badges to make Star Scout—
JOHN
(interrupts)
It’s now 6 merit badges.
NICK
(brusquely)
Whatever—
ALLISON
Did you have to get your pioneering merit badge? That was the coolest.
NICK
I did. And I also got my First Aid merit badge—
JOHN
We all had to do that—
FREDDIE
Yeah.
NICK
–along with taxidermy—
FREDDIE
Ewwww…
NICK
–stalking, and master-at-arms.
JOHN
(confused)
Master-at-arms?
NICK
Hand-to-hand combat.
ALLISON
We’re not allowed to do contact sports anymore. Not even for the sports merit badge.
JOHN
Not for as far back as even my grandfather.
Nick approaches the kids in a menacing “ready stance.”
NICK
These hands are lethal weapons. Especially if I catch hoodlums breaking into my shed.
ALLISON
(gulping)
We weren’t breaking into your shed.
FREDDIE
Yeah! We were looking for Meg—
JOHN kicks Freddie.
FREDDIE (cont’d)
Ouch!
ALLISON
(whispers)
Shut up!
John gets a calculating look.
JOHN
So, since you’ve got so much more experience than us, maybe you’d be willing to counsel me through my gardening merit badge?
Nick dons that look you get before a tasty meal.
NICK
Why, of course. Anything for a fellow scout.
FREDDIE
(whispers)
I thought John got his gardening merit badge last summer?
ALLISON elbows Freddie, hard, in the ribs.
JOHN steps closer to the shed door.
JOHN
I mean, I really admire the way you’re able to get your flowers to grow.
NICK
(with an ominous tone)
The secret is in the fertilizer. Flowers like to feed.
John stops in front of the door.
JOHN
As part of the merit badge, we’re supposed to set up a worm farm. Do you know what the favorite thing for worms to feed on is?
NICK
(dons a creepy smile)
Dead things. The worms just love them.
JOHN
And do you know what other merit badge I just earned recently?
NICK
What?
John puts one hand on the shed’s doorknob. In the floodlights, Nick’s eyes appear to turn solid black.
JOHN
Scouting Heritage. Wanna know the most important thing I learned while earning Scouting Heritage?
NICK
(smugly)
What?
JOHN
That Markmanship got split into Shotgun Shooting and Rifle Shooting back in 1952, which means you’re a lot older than you let on.
With a move that is more panther-like than human, Nick lunges for John. Allison sticks out her foot and trips him. Freddie squeals in a high-pitched voice.
The shed door is locked. John pounds on the door.
JOHN
Meghan! Meghan! Are you in there?
Nick grabs Allison, who stomps on his foot and bites him in the hand. Nick shrieks and stalks towards Allison, who holds out her popcorn-sale pen like a sword.
Freddie backs into the flowerbed.
A hand—
–reaches up—
——out of the soil.
FREDDIE
Ahhhh!
Up out of the dirt, Meghan climbs, dressed in a white shroud with clumps of black soil smeared all over her chalk-white flesh. Her eyes appear black, with no visible iris or white. She bares her fangs and hisses.
NICK
Darling!
Megan’s head jerks in a bird-like motion, first at John, who stands with a confused expression, and then at Allison, and then at the shrieking Freddie.
MEGHAN
So hungry.
She grabs Freddie, her teeth gnashing.
NICK
I brought you supper.
MEGHAN
Hungry.
Meghan bends Freddie backwards to bit his neck.
NICK
Drink, my beautiful bride.
John rushes at Nick, attempting to break his hold on Allison, but Nick darts out of the way, yanking Allison with him. With a hiss, he pushes back Allison’s hair and bares his fangs to bite her jugular.
Suddenly, a small white-and-brown streak leaps across the lawn and bites Nick in the ankle. It’s COMET! He dug a hole beneath the fence. The Jack Russell terrier barks wildly, leaping up and biting Nick in the crotch.
Meghan hisses and drops Freddie.
-
Joy Geldard-Smith’s Rewritten Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is… That I’ve had trouble with some of the setup/payoff because I haven’t been clear enough with the backstory. Although for these assignments we’re just writing one scene, there has to be enough information in it about the stakes, the characters situations, etc. That has to be present without it turning into an essay.
LOGLINE: John is old friends with Arin, who is currently dating Nick. John did like Nick, but gets evidence he’s been cheating on Arin.
ESSENCE: Effectively, “bros before hos” but in this case the ‘bro’ is a woman and the ‘ho’ is Nick.
SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy (John) must get certain info from the bad guy (Nick) before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
John:
Traits
– Daring, Distrustful (of people in general), Loyal (friends forever to those he does love), Loner
John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.
Nick:
Traits
– Confident, Conniving, Rebellious, Giving
Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.
I thought I would change this so that they’re finishing a meal together, rather than just having drinks. Nick would feel more comfortable opening up to John if they’ve just eaten together and had a few drinks, and I also then wanted the ‘other woman’ to join them at the table. Nick can then leave with her, as Arin arrives and catches him red-handed. BUT I need to get some humour into it somewhere…
· As Nick is leaving, the woman he’s been sleeping with gets her heels stuck in the decorative outdoor decking and falls into the fountain, exposing that she’s wearing lingerie under her dress.
· The woman’s significant other also shows up, so now Nick is caught by both Arin and the woman’s partner.
SCENE:
INT. COUNTRY CLUB LOUNGE – AFTERNOON
John and Nick sit together at a large table, as the waitress takes away their plates, weaving through the elegant room. The atmosphere exudes sophistication and exclusivity, as the patrons do.
Nick, confident, handsome and revelling in the role of bad boy, eyes the waitress as she walks away. John, loyal to those he trusts, rolls his eyes at how obvious it is and remembers why he doesn’t do this much. But he has digging to do.
JOHN
You were right, Nick, this place is something else.NICK
Best sirloin for a hundred miles!JOHN
How’d you get in here though? Didn’t have you down as a country club boy.NICK
Let’s say the owner uses my services. We should come back next week, bring some friends, have a real party.JOHN
I’d rather keep things small. …And I wouldn’t want to impose. After all, you’re the one supplying the services, not me.NICK
You’re my fiancee’s bestie, we’re practically family. Besides, I love the way some of these uptight snobs look at me.Nick blows a kiss to one of the OLDER PATRONS who is regarding him with sour contempt.
JOHN
Not sure whether I’m flattered or offended that you think they’ll see me the same way.NICK
Be flattered!Nick leans in to John, conspiratorially.
NICK (CONT’D)
There’s a lot of things money can’t buy, if you get my meaning.JOHN
You sleep with these women?Nick remembers who he’s talking to.
NICK
They just need some company… If it was a mutual thing, you know, er… Some of them are single, some of their husbands leave them for months at a time.Nick eyes the women walking past the windows in their tennis outfits.
JOHN
You like the tennis girls, huh?NICK
I like the outfits. I’d love to get Arin in one.JOHN
Gross. You know she’s more like a sister to me. Anyway, judo’s more her thing.NICK
Oh yeah, I know. It’s so hot! Not the outfit, but the…Nick waves his arms around, ineptly imitating the martial art, before becoming distracted by a passing woman in a revealing top.
JOHN
(raising an eyebrow)
Always got your eyes open, right?NICK
Why not appreciate the beauty in the world? Speaking of which, here comes dessert.JOHN
You’re full of it. Confidence, I mean. What’s your secret?NICK
Just charm and finesse. These folks need to loosen up and I have a gift for saying the right things at the right time.JOHN
(teasing)
So, lies? I see.Nick chuckles, taking a sip of his cocktail.
NICK
Not lies, not really. It’s just understanding what women want and giving it to them.JOHN
(raising his glass)
Well, here’s to you, Nick. May your charm never fail you.They clink their glasses, with camaraderie and underlying tension, as the waitress supplies their dessert.
NICK
You gotta taste this.As they take the first bite of dessert, EMERY, a clumsy, rich woman in a long dress, enters the room, and waves at Nick as she makes a beeline for him. As she does so, she knocks a waiter’s tray over, and the whole room turn to look at the disruption.
EMERY
Hi Nick.She takes a seat without asking.
EMERY (CONT’D)
Can’t wait to pick up where we left off last night…Nick’s gaze shifts nervously, and he takes a moment to collect himself.
NICK
I don’t know what you mean. And didn’t I tell you I was busy tonight?EMERY
I got a message from front desk saying your plans had changed.Emery opens her purse to retrieve the message, and the whole thing flies across the dinner table, revealing an intriguing array of contents, from lipstick to panties and everything in between.
A waiter helps return Emery’s belongings to her as John looks shocked.
NICK
Emery, this is John, he’s Arin’s best friend, you remember, my fiancée?Emery realises her indiscretion.
EMERY
Oh yes! Hello, darling. Nick and I go way back too. Arin is very lucky.JOHN
So, how exactly do you know Nick?NICK
We do business sometimes.JOHN
You do business?EMERY
Oh yes, my husband is in the import-export game, so he’s away a lot and Nick sometimes helps out.John doesn’t need to vocalise his accusation.
NICK
She means in the office.EMERY
Oh yes, in the office. Anyway, I realize now I’m interrupting you boys-JOHN
It’s alright, we just have dessert to finish. Stay and have a coffee with us. Or maybe a little dessert too?NICK
No, no, Emery has to go. I’ll walk her to her car. Excuse me.They stand and start towards the door, as John checks the time.
Emery bumps another waiter, then turns into Nick, who steps on her dress, which trips the waiter. Her dress tears almost clean off, leaving her standing there in her lingerie, flabbergasted, with Nick’s hands on her chest, steadying himself.
Several people appear at the doorway, having heard yet another tray fall.
ARIN cuts a slender muscular figure in the doorway. She is tenacious and smart, and her eyes narrow, a mix of curiosity and suspicion.
NICK
Arin! Always good to see you.Nick quickly removes his hands from Emery’s chest, his charm fading. Arin doesn’t look much for talking.
Arin remains calm, but her disappointment shows. Then she acts, swiftly, and she takes him down with a judo move, timing it perfectly to catch the passing waiters and covering Nick in a fancy feast.
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