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Lesson 10: Exchange Feedback on Cycle 2
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13 Replies
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WILLIAM WHALEN — ASSIGNMENT PTE TECHNIQUES 2 rewrite
Logline: Nick attempts to persuade John to fix a basketball game in order that he can win a bet and settle gambling debts.
ESSENCE: Nick wants John to fix a basketball game to win bet.
JOHN — 21, 6’6″, athletic, blond hair and blue eyes, starting power forward on college basketball team.
NICK — 22, 6’1″, athletic, black hair brown eyes, reserve point guard on college basketball.
INT. COLLEGE BASKETBALL LOCKER ROOM
NICK
So, you okay with the prop I told you about the other day?
JOHN
What are you talking about?
NICK
Don’t play dumb with me. I’m talking about the points adjustment in tonight’s game.
JOHN
Did you forget? I told you I am not fixing any game. What? You have early onset Alzheimer’s?
NICK
Don’t tell me you ain’t in on this? You said you’d think about it. I got it all set up with the Greek. He’ll front us the money and only take a twenty percent vig.
JOHN
Not to mention that he’ll have a piggyback bet and probably score ten times what we’ll make.
NICK
Of course, he’s a businessman – can you blame him? Look it will be an easy couple of grand for us — who cares how much he makes.
JOHN
I told you I don’t like Bruno, I don’t want anything to do with him.
NICK
I’ll deal with him. You won’t need to get within ten miles of him. All you’ll need to do is your part and collect the winnings from me.
JOHN
And what if we get caught?
NICK
How we gonna get caught? We already made the tournament. We got nothing to play for. Everybody has a bad game. So, you score twenty points instead of thirty — you think anybody’s going to notice? It’s the last game of the season. It’ll be easy peasy Japenesey.
JOHN
And this is only a one-time thing — Bruno doesn’t expect any action in the tournament.
NICK
No — he said one and done.
JOHN
The guys a damn liar. The big money is in the tournament. There’s no way he won’t expect us to fix the tournament too.
NICK
I know the guy. We went to Xaverian high in Brooklyn together. We’re solid. If he says it’s a one off it’s a one off. I trust the guy.
JOHN
Well, I don’t. In my book he’s a sleaze bag.
NICK
You trust me don’t you?
JOHN
I’m not so sure I trust you either.
NICK
Okay, I’ll come clean with you. I owe Bruno big time — he said if I don’t pay him back soon things could get ugly.
JOHN
How much?
NICK
Ten grand.
JOHN
Well, that’s your problem — not mine.
NICK
You don’t give a rat’s ass about me, do you? I’m your only friend on the team and you’d throw me under the bus without a second thought wouldn’t you.
JOHN
We both know these things don’t end well. We do it once and Bruno will have us by the balls. He’ll expect us to fix the entire tournament as well.
NICK
How many times do I got to tell you it’s one and done. I can handle Bruno. I’m sure if I tell Bruno that’s your terms, he won’t press us for a repeat.
JOHN
Even if I wanted to save your ass I couldn’t do it to Coach K. If it ever came out I shaved points it would ruin both our careers. I could never do that to him — he’s been like a father to me.
NICK
You think Coach K deep down really gives a shit about you? If you got injured, he’d cut you in a heartbeat. It’s a dog-eat-dog world –- you got to look out for numero uno.
JOHN
Sorry, but that’s not the way I roll.
NICK
So, if I wind up in the trunk of a car with a bullet in the back of my head you couldn’t give a shit — is that it?
JOHN
You made your bed, now you’ve got to lie in it.
NICK
I can’t believe this shit — after all I done for you. When you got here three years ago you were some hick from Podunk, Kentucky and I showed you the ropes. I lent you money when you didn’t have a pot to piss in. I let you hang out with me even though you had the social skills of a dork. And this is the way you repay me?
JOHN
I appreciate all you’ve done for me but what you’re asking is a bridge too far.
NICK
After they come for me, they’ll be coming for you. Don’t think I won’t tell them you were involved in all this shit too and you owe them money also. I’ll through you under the bus in a heartbeat as well –- just watch me.
JOHN
You don’t scare me — and anyway I know how to take care of myself. I need to go. I’ll catch you at warm-ups later.
John picks up his gym bag and heads toward the exit. Nick shouts after him.
NICK
You got six hours to change your mind big guy! You hear me? I’m countin’ on you! Don’t let me down! You hear me! I’m countin’ on you Bro! Don’t let me down. You hear me!
END
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Hi William!
Nice scene! I see all the character traits in the dialogue, although the loner part of Robert was done by Nick.
Subtext-wise I saw Nicks, with his trying to manipulate Robert. For Robert I saw a bit, with him seemingly like he might go along with the program and then backing out.
As far as interest techniques I saw: Interesting setting, a small mislead/reveal, uncertainty, and intrigue.
Cheers,
-Karin
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R Whitney Lesson 9 rewrite
Logline: John must extract vital information from a captured enemy Colonel on battle plans for the enemy.
INT. WWII ARMY TENT- NIGHT
JOHN – Army Intelligence Captain – late twenties – tall slender – wear spotless uniform.
NIKLAUS – German Colonel – forties – short – bald with some gray – wears German uniform that’s messy.
During a WWII battle, the Allies capture a German Colonel Niklaus Schmitt. Captain John is ordered to interrogate the prisoner for information vital to the success of an offensive.
Captain John enters the tent where he sees Colonel Niklaus tied to a chair with two guards on each side. The lantern in the tent shines near Niklaus’s face.
JOHN
Guards, you can leave now. I’d like to talk to our prisoner alone.
The guards look at each other then salute before they leave the tent.
JOHN
Well, Colonel, do you speak English?
John looks him in the face.
JOHN
Sprachen sie English?
Niklaus doesn’t reply. They stare at each other. Niklaus relents.
NIKLAUS
I sprachen sie English.
JOHN
I was afraid I was going to have to use my German and it’s not that good.
John takes out a cigarette and lights it.
JOHN
It’s very simple, Colonel, You tell me what I want to know and we can work out a deal where you can be sent to England to sit out the war in comfort.
NIKLAUS
You zink I’m going to zit here and give you information? Nein.
JOHN
We could use a form of torture like cigarette burns or maybe a hose beating.
NIKLAUS
(half smiles)
You must know none of deez vill work on me. Ve have much more ingenious vays you Americans haven’t even begun to zink of.
John pulls out a book like container that he opens to show Niklaus the siring and the drug.
NIKLAUS
Vas is zat?
JOHN
A little truth serum. I have plenty for just such occasions. Sometimes I use too much and well…
Niklaus worries as he works on the ropes to try and get loose.
John fills the siring.
NIKLAUS
Perhaps I was too hasty not zinking about your first deal.
John STARES at him at lenght.
NIKLAUS
I give you ze information und I slip out unnoticed. You get vat you came for und I disappear into the countryside.
He continues to work on the ropes out of John’s sight. John takes out the siring and loads it with the drug.
JOHN
(flicks the siring)
Depends on whether I like what I hear.
Niklaus hangs his head down.
NIKLAUS
Ze Pazer division under my command ist to attack at Malmedly by dawn followed by two division of Tigers with seven regiments of infantry.
JOHN
Was that so hard?
John moves to inject Niklaus.
NIKLAUS
Vas are you ding?
JOHN
I need to verify if what you just told me was accurate. You wouldn’t want me to report something wrong to my superiors.
NIKLAUS
Nein! Nein! You’re not a doctor!
JOHN
I work alone.
NIKLAUS
I have zome money. Gold. Gold coins. They’re yours. All of it.
Niklaus breaks free of the ropes and knocks John off his feet. He runs for the door only to be met by the two guard. They wrestle him to the ground as John moves over to them.
JOHN
You don’t want to deprive me of my duty, would you?
John injects Niklaus as he squirms.
NIKLAUS
Nein! Nein!
Niklaus fades off into an unconscious state. The guards pick him up and place him back on the chair.
JOHN
Now then, Colonel. Was what you told me the truth?
NIKLAUS
(under the influence of the drug)
Not exactly. Ve are mounting a counteroffensive to strike North vith at least three Panzer divisions with support of five Tiger divisions.
JOHN
That wasn’t so hard, was it.
(to the guards)
When he wakes up, if he wakes up, put him with the rest of the prisoners. I have to report what I know to the General.
John Leaves the tent.
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Hi Rick,
Great scene! I really enjoyed it. So, here’s what I saw.
You hit all the character traits in the lists and also the subtexts.
For the interest techniques I saw: Suspense, a mislead/reveal, character change, betrayal, hope/fear, Intrigue.
Nice job!
Cheers,
-Karin
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Lesson 9 re-write
LOGLINE: John’s been asked to come out of retirement to help police find a kidnapping victim’s suspected abductor is an unstable amateur MMA fighter who admires John.
ESSENCE: John’s distrust has made him an expert at manipulating people into giving up their secrets, and he needs to manipulate Nick into giving up his victim’s location before he leaves the auditorium so the police can rescue her.
INT. AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
The MMA cage stands open. John (32) stands at the back of the cage. Head bowed in meditation. The cacophony of a small crowd drones on.
Then a spot light hits the back entrance. The crowd claps with little enthusiasm. It is only a Tuesday night fight.
Two men run through the crowd, followed by Nick (mid-twenties), muscular, yet skinny for fighter.
His two friends quickly climb to the top rail of the cage and drape a banner over it. “Fuck city council. They can kiss my ass.”
Nick continues to jog through the crowd. He stops just before he reaches the cage. Sitting ringside is a middle aged woman. Upset. Eyes red.
Nick kneels before her and opens his opened finger glove. Inside is a locket on a gold chain.
The woman’s face contorts into pain and torment.
Nick climbs the steps into the cage, like a returning champion. He walks right up to John. Extends both gloved fists. Exchanges fist bumps with John, then turns to his banner and blows it a kiss.
John smiles.
Two friskers walk into the cage. One nods to John and begins his examination of Nick. Nick stands arms out allowing himself to be searched.
The other frisker approaches John. John shakes his head.
JOHN
I’ll wait for the other guy.
NICK
You ain’t making no friends over there, John.
JOHN
You new guys wouldn’t know how to fight fair if you’re mother’s life depended on it.
NICK
Ahh, you ain’t gonna hurt my feelings, John.
JOHN
Night ain’t over yet.
Nick’s frisker is finished and stands. Nick notices an older man in the audience and moves toward him.
NICK
Hey, hey. Remember me, asshole. Never thought I’d get a chance to tell you what a piece of . . .
John moves between them. Stares down old Nick.
NICK
Lookie here. Maybe John does have a friend in the world after all.
The friskers move both men back to their positions.
The new frisker gives John a wink.
FRISKER
Good to have you back, John.
He motions for John to raise his arms.
JOHN
Thanks.
Nick looks over his shoulder to the upset woman. She’s buried her face in a friend’s shoulder.
NICK
Ah, boo hoo. Maybe I should’a kissed her.
JOHN
I bet your neighborhood is glad you’re hanging out with us tonight.
NICK
Nah, my neighborhood loves me.
JOHN
Oh yeah, they like their trash over in Taberville, do they?
NICK
Nah, nah, nah man, you got it all wrong. They appreciate me. I love living where I’m appreciated.
JOHN
North or south of Broadway?
NICK
South, why?
JOHN
(laughing)
They like pimping skinny little whites boy on the south side.
Nick goes after him. The ref and the friskers stop him.
John smiles.
JOHN
You like clowns, Nick?
NICK
Only the crying ones. Why?
JOHN
I heard you loved hanging at the Taberville Theme Park. Wasn’t that you’re jam back in the day?NICK
Until city council voted to condemn it and let those bastards build their condos.
JOHN
Sort a made you cry, huh?
John pouts.
NICK
I’m gonna enjoy beating the hell out of you. What made you come out of retirement?
JOHN
I heard a little punk thought he was better than me. I wanted to meet him.
NICK
Here I am.
JOHN
Nah. Can’t be you. A little Taberville clown like you. Nothing good ever came out of Taberville. Except that old Theme Park.
NICK
You better watch your mouth.
JOHN
How does getting your ass kicked prove anything, Nick? I hope you didn’t lose that job scrubbing toilets. Them Taberville pimps can’t whore you out with your jaw wired shut.
NICK
Fuck the bell, motherfucker. Let’s go right now.
JOHN
Hold on, Nick. You got all night to prove yourself. What’s the rush? Not like you got anything else going on, right?
NICK
Oh, you just wait, motherfucker. Councilman McCarthy is in for . . .
JOHN
I didn’t think you like councilmen, Nick.
NICK
I hate ‘em. Fucking hate ‘em. That motherfucker gonna pay too. Out. The. Ass. Mark my words.
JOHN
Sounds like marking your territory.
Nick rushes him. John throws him to the ground.
JOHN
Is that how they do it in Taberville? On their backsides?
Nick rushes again. This time John has him in a headlock.
Choking him.
JOHN
I hope you got something else to show off to the world. Cause, this ain’t gonna get you far, boy.
The ref taps John’s arm. He lets him go.
Nick is laughing.
NICK
You think I need to kick your ass. I got everything I need bundled up nice and tight. And old councilman McCarthy is . . .
JOHN
You aren’t talking about his daughter’s kidnapping, are you? Hell, they found her thirty minutes ago. She’s safe at home by now.
NICK
There’s no fucking way.
JOHN
Why? Cause you have her bundled up nice and tight. Come on Nick. When have you ever had anything bundled up nice and tight? She got out and called her mom.
NICK
No way. She couldn’t have.
JOHN
I’m telling you, Nick. She’s home. I talked to Detective Franklin just before I changed in the locker room.
Nick stands tall, looking down his nose at John.
NICK
Nah, you’re making that shit up.
JOHN
Alright, impress me, Nick, where do you think you had her?
NICK
In the old train depot south of the condo building site.
Several cops leap from their seats and rush out.
NICK
(yelling)
Where I cut her throat and let her bleed out.
Nick holds his arms in the air, dancing about the ring like he was just declared the winner of the fight.
John sinks to the floor.-
Hi Jeff,
Nice scene. Loved the location. Okay, here’s what I saw:
I see most of the character traits in the dialogue. I don’t really see Loner for John, maybe it’s something already known? And Nick’s giving the locket to the woman. I don’t really see it as giving as much as him torturing her.
In terms of interest techniques I saw: Intrigue, Superior Position (due to the locket), and Interesting setting.
Nice!
Cheers,
-Karin
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Feedback for WILLIAM WHALEN — ASSIGNMENT PTE TECHNIQUES 2 rewrite
Hey William.
Nice work. I saw quite a bit of John’s Distrustful trait and Nick’s Conniving trait. I’ve dropped some examples where I saw your use of other traits. I really liked you combination expressing Nick’s conniving trait while supporting John’s loner trait. I’d suggest trying to add in some of the other traits as well. I’d also suggest trying to bring out your character’s traits in the character’s actions.
Examples taken from your scene:
We get to see John’s Loyalty Trait in this dialogue:
[JOHN
Even if I wanted to save your ass I couldn’t do it to Coach K. If it ever came out I shaved points it would ruin both our careers. I could never do that to him — he’s been like a father to me.]
And here, I can see a combo of Nick’s Conniving Trait while supporting John’s Loner Trait:
[NICK
You don’t give a rat’s ass about me, do you? I’m your only friend on the team and you’d throw me under the bus without a second thought wouldn’t you.]
For Nick, you have him telling us about his Giving Trait in this dialogue:
[NICK
I can’t believe this shit — after all I done for you. When you got here three years ago you were some hick from Podunk, Kentucky and I showed you the ropes. I lent you money when you didn’t have a pot to piss in. I let you hang out with me even though you had the social skills of a dork. And this is the way you repay me?]
Best regards,
Jeff
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We’re posting scripts here as well? Okay…
LOGLINE: Robert set up Nick in order to get a confession.
ESSENSE: Top dog isn’t always on top.
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INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE – DAY
JOHN, a 30 something man who might be wearing yesterday’s clothes, is sitting at a table in the teacher’s lounge, working on his computer.
NICK, a put together 30 something man comes in and eyeballs John.
NICK
I’d tell you that you’ve been drinking too much coffee but damn, you look like you need a cup. Two sugars right?
John looks up at Nick.
JOHN
Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.
Nick makes John a cup of coffee with two sugars, gives it John and sits down beside him.
NICK
What got you all hot and bothered?
JOHN
Nothing, I’m fine.
NICK
I heard about Lizzie.
JOHN
You did? What did you hear?
NICK
She still hasn’t woken up yet. You have her in your Physics class don’t you?
JOHN
Yeah, there are a lot of kids in my Physics class. Did you hear if she’ll be okay?
NICK
They don’t know yet. It was quite a brutal attack. The police are still looking for the attacker. Let me at him. I’ll take care of it.
JOHN
Uh, sure. I hope they catch the bastard. Did you have her in any of your classes?
NICK
Me? No, I barely know her.
JOHN
I hate to think it, but it might have been a teacher. Remember that girl two years ago?
NICK
No way, none of us would do this. If you weren’t such a loner and got to know people, you’d see that.
JOHN
I’m happy with the friends I have, like you Nick.
NICK
Just sayin’
JOHN
The less people I hang with, the less I have to worry about being betrayed.
NICK
Someone did a number on you didn’t they? If you need to talk about it, I’m here for you.
JOHN
I don’t want to talk about it.
NICK
That’s good, I’d talk about it but it’s not really in my wheelhouse.
They both laugh a little.
JOHN
I wonder who did it.
NICK
Probably someone without any social skills. Someone who spends a lot of time alone.
JOHN
I spend a lot of time alone.
NICK
Well, not you of course. But someone out there is hiding in their house, just waiting to find some cute high schooler to walk by.
JOHN
You think Lizzie is cute?
NICK
Well, not that I really noticed but I guess so. For a student. What are you saying here, John?
JOHN
Nothing. I’m sure that you had nothing to do with it. But maybe someone else noticed she’s cute.
John takes a sip of coffee.
JOHN (CONT’D)
She is pretty popular. Cheerleader and all of that.
NICK
It always seems to be the popular ones who get targeted.
JOHN
Yeah, you’re right. Why do you think that’s true?
NICK
I don’t know, what do you think?
JOHN
Maybe because everyone seems to love them. They walk around like they own the school. Wearing almost nothing.
NICK
Are you saying it was Lizzie’s fault because she was prancing around in her cheerleading outfit?
JOHN
Oh course not! But someone might have gotten into their head that it was an invitation.
NICK
Just jossing you John, I know you didn’t do it.
JOHN
They do prance around a lot.
NICK
Yeah, they do.
The both look away and take a sip of coffee.
JOHN
Morals have gotten a bit loose in this school. These kids need discipline.
NICK
Yes, they do. What do you think we should do?
JOHN
I don’t know. Set some laws down. Something! What do you think we should do?
NICK
Prosecute their parents for letting them run naked.
JOHN
I’m serious. What would you do?
NICK
I know what you’re doing, John.
JOHN
What am I doing?
NICK
You’re trying to get me to say something to incriminate me. You’re the one aren’t you? You’re trying to throw me under the bus.
John gives him a long look.
NICK (CONT’D)
You’re the scruffy loner type. Clearly, you are the culprit.
JOHN
I see what you’re doing. Very clever.
NICK
You won’t get away with this.
JOHN
But not so clever. You were seen near Lizzie’s house.
Nick leans back in his chair and pauses.
NICK
So. They saw a scruffy guy wearing one of your coats. Who do you think they’re going to come for?
JOHN
You’re going down.
NICK
See, you’re the loner, John. I’m friends with Principal Owens. Who do you think they’ll believe.
Nick takes a sip of coffee.
John clicks something on his computer.
JOHN
(to computer)
Did you get all of that?
VOICE
Yeah.
The door opens and in walks Principal Owens.
JOHN
I’m friends with Owens too. Maybe a better friend. You should know that Lizzie is his niece.
NICK
What are you doing to do?
JOHN
Oh, I think we’re going to take care of this one ourselves.
John and Principal Owens move in for the kill.
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for Karin
I could see the characteristics of each person being served.
I like the reversal. I could see it coming even with the surprise set up but it works well. There is an element of betrayal involved between the characters whether they were friends or just co-workers.
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Thanks Rick!
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William Whelan: Critique #2 for Jeff Cochran
1.) Interesting and unique setting.
2.) Good setting the scene and action at the opening.
3.) The dialogue concerning the neighborhood and the Taberville theme park was distracting, I felt it took away from the action and tightness off the scene and could be trimmed if not eliminated.
4.) The twist at the end seemed abrupt and not realistic.
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William Whelan: Critique #2 for Karen Armburst.
1. The setting was appropriate for the scene.
2. Good suspense from the beginning, piqued interest in who is the perp.
3. The dialogue was short and to the point, no extended exposition in dialogue.
4. Evident throughout the scene of the feeling out process going on between the two characters.
5. Good twist at the end though I would like more foreshadowing.
6. Would have liked the dialogue to have more subtext and subtlety; often it was obvious what each character was attempting to elicit from the other character and often it was stated by the characters themselves.
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Thanks William!
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