Lesson 10: Exchange Feedback on Cycle 2

[Susan]

For Christi:

Good job. You have a lot of twists and turns in there. I would personally prefer if the wallet bit was left out. Also John is super forgiving – not one of his listed traits. I’m not sure I would forgive Nick and Sadie for what appear to be real reasons for distrust and deep hurt (although we don’t know any at all from Sadie, and only one that Nick spoke horribly about Jenny – what did he say?). In the end even though Nick believes the recipe is in the envelope, does it have to be in there? What could be in there instead?

[Christi Falk]

Hi Susan, thanks! Weird, I had to go to my phone to reply. For some weird reason none if these buttons work on the browser! I was hoping to show the subtext trait of him showing ppl at their worst. I guess it came out a bit out of character. Thanks for pointing that out!

[Michael Jones]

Well, Christie, first of all, great intrigue on not revealing what info the envelope is hiding. It’s a compact and emotional scene. As I mentioned before, just because I might not see the traits, it doesn’t mean they’re not there, or that you did a bad job with them. There’s a consistency to this scene that takes effort.

Nick comes off as both confident and conniving in his attempts to get what he’s after for his wife, Sadie (but the ambiguousness of the “she was hoping to get it now…” line can also be referring to someone else without further context—which is fine). He can be rebellious when he goes to open the coffin and search the corpse for the envelope. He’s giving by making sure John is eating and taking care of himself.

John appears distrusting in some of his responses to Nick but really just seems to be after an apology from him. What’s great about this is that in this scene you have each character seeking something. John wants Nick to tell him he’s sorry; Nick wants an envelope containing something that will create a fight at the funeral. He doesn’t quite come off as a loner because he’s at a funeral for his wife with friends and family concerned about him. I’m not sure I got the reason for the loyalty other than he waited until his wife died to yield the material for Nick’s wife. Perhaps, some more references, direct or indirect, as to what they might contain would clarify it. I also don’t quite see John as daring; Nick comes off that way more for his brash approach to get what he wants.

But, well done, for completing the assignment and showing a creative and emotional way to present this scene. The whole point of these exercises is to see there are as many variations as people writing the prompt so there’s always other ways to write the scene. That’s how we double our writing quality and you’ve done a great job at yours.

[Christi Falk]

Thanks Mike! It is always difficult to write quickly and daring is a strange trait to demonstrate!

[Susan]

For Mike:

Good work making these two at cross purposes. You really made me hate Nick and root for John. There is only one thing I don’t understand (feeling a little stupid here).

NICK

Jordan and Eric. They find ‘em, I supply ‘em.

What does it mean that Jordan and Eric find ’em? If Nick is supplying them wouldn’t he be finding the drugs? Maybe I’m just too old.

[Michael Jones]

Nick was giving the names of the two students who find buyers for him. It’s probably inaccurate since it goes back a ways for me, too.

[Susan]

OK, then why was the stash for them, because they would distribute it? In any case that line was just confusing for me, but otherwise great job!

[Christi Falk]

For Mike-

This is a good cat and mouse game- just really one thing hampered me- no descriptions. Are they teens at school? Adult staff members? Graduates back for a high school reunion? Because of this confusion, it was hard to figure out visually what was going on. If they are indeed teens or small children, the dialogue switches between maturity levels so were never sure if a comment is a learned response from an abusive parent or just the life of a teenager. It’s alluded to with the comment about the mother but without descriptive indicators, its a Mashup.

That’s not to say it wasn’t enjoyable! The continual washing of hands was a great window into the psychology at work. It really ratcheted up the suspense. Nick’s unpredictable attacks were infrequent and gave us fear/hope that John would be able to escape.

The superior position of John shown at the end- who hasn’t wanted to tape a bully!

I’d recommend next time being a bit more descriptive with the characters but overall good job!

[Christi Falk]

For Susan,

This is interesting! You haven’t provided descriptions of your leads but the logline and scene descriptions have helped me fill in some of the blanks. Very James Bond meets Locked Room mysteries. The cat and mouse game was very brief and I’m a bit confused with the information he received- was it that the agent he came to rescue was dead or that Nick is basically a cartoon villan?

I half expected John to skulk around the building instead of being lead into the inner working of the mansion.

The most fun was when they traded barbs over the painting. I know we can’t really flesh it out these shorts but I would have really loved to know where you jumped to!

[Susan]

Hi Christi, Thanks for taking the time to give your feedback!

[Susan]

Wow, I replied on one browser and when I opened this in another the response did not show up. Wonder what is going on? Anyway… thank you so much for taking the time to give your feedback.

[Susan]

Oy! And today the 1st post is there! Technology…. Anyway it’s a comedy, a spoof on James Bond, so think of it like Austin Powers, or Mel Brooks, or Monty Python. The hero and the villain are both over the top for the genre. I did not put in physical character descriptions because I was giving the director/producers leeway on the characters/time, and without the rest of the story in this case it is probably moot. The rest of the story would most likely decide that. I would be interested to know which part of the scene you are saying is the short cat and mouse part, because to me it begins when Nick makes John wait and ends when John shoots out of there. So which part do you find to be the cat and mouse and why not the rest? Yes, John was there to rescue the other agent, and the information John was looking for was to find out just what Nick was up to, which he did when he saw all the robots and Nick told him he was going to replace humanity with them. Could you please tell me what is confusing about this? It would help me in the future. Thanks!

[Christi Falk]

Susan!! I’ve been trying to reply to you but just couldn’t. I’ve finally had to download Chrome- definitely NOT a secure browser on my iMac to be able to reply. So sorry this has taken a bit! Sent you a connect to send you my contact info. If I ever can’t get back on hopefully we can connect off this site!

My main bumps were the fact that he’s led in further and further into the mansion, seemingly of his own volition. It would help if he were cuffed or something to make his browsing seem defiant of his imprisonment.

The cat and mouse resonated when he was discussing the painting, pretending he didn’t know it was purchased. Maybe implying it was a knockoff? The dialogue is sharp and snappy. Then when the food was discussed, it just seemed strange that a spread was out for him. Then again, I’ve really only seen one Bond film so that could be it. I did get a flash of Spy with Melissa McCarthy from the beginning so there’s the campy spy right there.

Of course, I’ve had a cold all this week so it could just be that too. It’s a very interesting scene!

[Susan]

I think the servers were down. After a little after 11 am PT I couldn’t get on the classes site at all! I tried 4 different browsers.

[Michael Jones]

Susan — wonderful take.

John’s daring from the beginning with his bold entrance into the mansion and his distrust comes through with his constant inspections, expecting “traps,” and his refusal to take an offered drink. Nick sneaks into the room then confidently addresses John, his giving might be seen for buying a painting at an auction.

John seems to dissemble a bit when he says, “I know the feeling.” A bit out of place while his defences are up. Perhaps, while he’s in the room something reminds him of his loneliness so when he says it, it shows its been on his mind.

Great use of scene location, mansion to a futuristic lab in the form of a bomb shelter. Good interaction interspersed with comedic banter.

Nick doesn’t really manipulate John to get him to the bomb shelter since John’s goal is to find out what Nick’s doing. If John hints at Nick’s strategy of always trying to trap people to take advantage of them, it would intensify the situation since they both know what Nick is doing to John but John daring the risk, anyway.

Great idea, great scene.

Before posting, I just saw your comment to Christi about this scene as a comedy. A lot of the parts are there, but to really enhance it into the spoof category, more over-the-top actions, or subtle mishandling of objects, or accidental harm could really bring that out. Anyway, you know what you are trying so I could be wrong. And it’s pretty funny.

[Susan]

Thanks Mike great ideas. Yeah, I could add some lines for John like… “So many doors to go in and out of…”. And the thing with the spider I’d realized earlier that I didn’t really make myself clear with the poisonous thing, but I didn’t want to go back and change it at that point. It really should be John wanting assistance – if the spider is poisonous, he could be his partner (his scecret weapon) – so that line needs clarity. Nick’s manipulation of John down into his lair is because he knows John wants the information, so he is just leading him to him doom. He is using John against himself. “really enhance it into the spoof category, more over-the-top actions, or
subtle mishandling of objects, or accidental harm could really bring
that out” is also another great suggestion. As a matter of fact if I get the chance (with everything else) I will put this stuff in and repost. Thanks again. Great feedback.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: idea to remember