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Lesson 11
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Mod 4: Lesson 11: “Best Dialogue I’ve Read!”
Dialogue Changes
FROM:
KRISTY
Rough morning?
MICHAEL
Yeah, you could say that.
TO:
KRISTY
Rough morning?
MICHAEL
Just got attacked by a rioter. Yeah, rough
morning.
FROM:
She turns around and walks away.
KRISTY
Get it yourself.
TO:
She turns around and walks away.
KRISTY
Get it yourself, prick.
FROM:
As the bartender fixes his drink as the Drunk glances at the newscast he’s been watching. The newscast talks about human kind’s end.
DRUNK
You know who else is having a bad day?
Humans. They’re saying we only got about
eighty years and then…POOF…we’re
gone. Like we were never here.
TO:
As the bartender fixes his drink as the Drunk glances at the newscast he’s been watching. The newscast talks about human kind’s end.
DRUNK
You know who else is having a bad day?
Humans. They’re saying we only got about
eighty years and then…POOF…we’re
all gone. No more happy hours, buddy.
FROM:
Kristy turns and starts walking away. Diane intercepts her, grabbing her by the arm and spinning her around.
Kristy resents it.
KRISTY
Hey, what’s your problem?!
DIANE
I’m his wife.
KRISTY
Oh.
Diane leans towards her and takes a sniff.
DIANE
I recognize that perfume. I’ve smelled it
on his clothes at least five times. That
equals five times you’ve slept with my
husband.
TO:
Kristy turns and starts walking away. Diane intercepts her, grabbing her by the arm and spinning her around.
She resents it.
KRISTY
Hey, lady, what’s your problem?!
DIANE
I’m not a fuckin’ lady. I’m his wife.
KRISTY
Oh.
Diane leans towards her and takes a sniff.
DIANE
I recognize that perfume. I’ve smelled it
on his clothes at least five times. That
equals five times you’ve slept with my
husband, slut.
FROM:
Ava becomes concerned.
AVA
But didn’t you tell us that the last
time you did it, you had a mild stroke
afterward?
The Professor sits back down.
PROFESSOR
You bring up a good point, Ava, I’m
not a spring chicken any more.
TO:
Ava becomes concerned.
AVA
But didn’t you tell us that the last
time you did it, you had a mild stroke
afterward?
The Professor sits back down.
PROFESSOR
You bring up a good point, Ava. I am
no longer in my physical prime.
AVA
(Sarcastically)
I think the physical prime train left the station
a while back, Professor.
PROFESSOR
Agreed.
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Madeleine Vessel Has Great Dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is that every pass I make improves the dialogue. Using the dialogue chart, I was able to sharpen the dialogue in several places. I also eliminated lines of dialogue.
At this point, I have tweeks, not big Before and After examples.
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