Lesson 11

[Timothy Barley]

Tim Barley’s Query Letter Draft ONE

What I learned from doing this assignment was that, like my script, I need to tighten it up and offer up something intriguing without giving it all away.

QUERY LETTER (ORIGINAL DRAFT):

What if I told you that the story of the Garden of Eden is not our beginning of OUR story, but the chilling climax of another?

Enter a world of hidden forces, supernatural entities, magic and super science lurking behind the facade of modern-day L.A. “Decendence” is the story of Alex Powers, the most powerful being alive. He’s just unaware of it. “Good enough” at everything he does, Alex has settled into the apathy of a 30-something uninterested stoner corporate drone. And that’s fine with him. But, there are many groups and beings from the unseen world who DO know who and what Alex is:

· Gemma, a wise, enchanting, and ass-kicking enchantress with a deep connection to Alex’s destiny, knows a LOT about Alex and his life.

· Her brother, Tyler, a covert guardian masquerading as Alex’s neighbor, now succumbing to the hedonistic temptations of LA’s dark side, has watched him all his life, but as of late seems to be succumbing to the hedonistic temptations of LA’s dark side.

· Victor, a shadowy prince to a shadowier cabal rivalry of Gemma and Tyler, whose allegiances seem to be unclear.

· And Billy, the enigmatic intern, oldest being on the planet, and observer of the unfolding chaos with an inscrutable agenda as guardian or a manipulator.

Everyone wants to “help” Alex learn to control his rapidly flourishing power for their own motives. But, ancient rivalries die hard, as to ancient politics and feuds. And they aren’t the only things after Alex’s power. As Alex’s true power emerges, it’s a race against time to shield him from the sinister darkness that lurks in the shadows

Submerge yourself in “Decendence,” a gripping tale of power, destiny, and the battle to forge one’s identity in a world teeming with deception and darkness.

If you are interested, I’d be happy to send you the pilot and bible.

Tim Barley

REWRITTEN DRAFT TWO – (MINUS TYPOS, TOO MUCH INFO AND GENERALLY TIGHTENED UP)

What if I told you the story of the Garden of Eden was not just the beginning of OUR story, but the chilling end of another? Enter a world of hidden forces, supernatural entities, magic and super science lurking behind the facade of modern-day L.A.

“Decendence” is the story of Alex Powers, who, like most his age, has settled into the apathy of a 30-something, uninterested stoner corporate drone. He also happens to be the most powerful being alive,he’s just unaware of it. But, there are many groups and beings from the unseen world who DO know who and what Alex is:

· Gemma, pixie-esque, a wise, enchanting, and ass-kicking enchantress with a deep connection to Alex’s destiny, who knows a LOT about Alex and his life.

· Her brother, Tyler, a covert guardian masquerading as Alex’s neighbor, now succumbing to the hedonistic temptations of LA’s dark side, has watched him all his life.

· Victor, a shadowy prince to a dark cabal rival group of Gemma and Tyler, and whose allegiances seem to be unclear.

· And Billy, the oddly-sized enigmatic intern, oldest being on the planet, and observer of the unfolding chaos with an inscrutable agenda as guardian or a manipulator.

Everyone wants to “help” Alex learn to control his rapidly flourishing power for their own motives. But, ancient rivalries die hard, as do ancient politics and feuds. And they aren’t the only things after Alex’s power. As Alex’s true power emerges, it’s a race against time to shield him from the sinister darkness that lurks in the shadows.

Submerge yourself in “Decendence,” a gripping tale of power, destiny, and the battle to forge one’s identity in a world teeming with deception and darkness.

If you are interested, I’d be happy to send you the pilot and bible.

Tim Barley

[P.G. Sundling]

P.G. Sundling Query Letter Draft 1-3

4. Answer the question: “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and post it at the top of your work.

Things sound better in your head than to other people. It will be hard to get something so complex across to most people. In version 2, I did just the broad strokes of the series.

After feedback, I realized I needed an intro to give context. I also needed some world-building to cover the prophecy aspect.

2. Post your revised query letter for critique on the forums under Lesson 11.

3. Rewrite your query letter, at least once, and post the revision as Draft 2.

Version 0

When non-politician James Wong changes his name to None of the Above and runs for president, can he become the right person to stop doomsday?

None of the Above is an unconventional sci-fi TV series about the zeitgeist of dysfunctional politics, AI, and global tensions. The series escalates exponentially in scale each half-season.

After their billion-dollar software company gets stolen, James Wong and Maria Cortez chase the ultimate power-up: becoming president. They change their names to None of the Above (None) and More Jobs (MJ). After all, who will vote against More Jobs in a bad economy?

A simulation predicts nuclear war and something worse. A mysterious entity intervenes to find a timeline that can survive doomsday. Why are None and MJ so critical to its plans?

Mid-season finale: Assassins leave None in a coma. Traitors in battle armor with miniguns, meant to protect the president, instead slay White House personnel by the dozens.

Season one finale: Under the guise of a global cyberwar, a battle for AI supremacy begins. Nukes launch, but None finds a greater threat. Can his crazy plan prevent doomsday?

Season 2: Earth faces the Triple Apocalypse and the aliens behind it. In the search for weapons to defend Earth, None and MJ find a fleet much older than the universe.

Season 3: The ancient fleet holds secrets of the Big Bang. Those secrets begin a series of intergalactic wars that will destroy the multiverse unless stopped.

If you’d like to read the pilot or TV pitch bible, please contact me.

BIO: P.G. Sundling was a software engineer for 24 years, including 14 years in entertainment (Universal, Disney, Sony). He writes terse cinematic novels designed to be easily adapted to film/TV, like the award-winning None of the Above series.

<contact info>

Version 1

When non-politician James Wong changes their name to None of the Above and runs for president, can he become the right person to stop doomsday?

None of the Above is an unconventional sci-fi TV series about the zeitgeist of dysfunctional politics, AI, and global tensions, followed by exponential technology and social changes.

A simulation predicts nuclear war and something worse. A mysterious entity intervenes to find a timeline that can survive doomsday. Why are two childhood friends so critical to its plans?

After their billion-dollar software company gets stolen, James Wong and Maria Cortez chase the ultimate power-up: become president. They change their names to None of the Above (None) and More Jobs (MJ). After all, who will vote against More Jobs in a bad economy?

Mid-season finale: An assassination attempt leaves None in a coma. An assault on the White House in powered armor reveals the extent of a conspiracy. MJ fights for survival.

Season one finale: Under the guise of a global cyberwar, a battle for AI supremacy begins. Nukes launch, but None finds a greater threat. Can his crazy plan prevent doomsday?

In later seasons, the series escalates to the interstellar, intergalactic, and multiverse levels. Earth faces the Triple Apocalypse and the aliens behind it. A fleet much older than the universe holds secrets of the Big Bang. Those secrets begin a series of intergalactic wars that will destroy the multiverse unless stopped.

If you’d like to read the pilot or TV pitch bible, please contact me.

BIO: P.G. Sundling was a software engineer for 24 years, including 12+ years in entertainment (Universal, Disney, Sony). He writes terse cinematic novels designed to be easily adaptable to film/TV, like the award-winning None of the Above series.

<contact info>

Version 2

Aliens decide to wipe out all life on Earth when a prophecy warns Earth will destroy their home planet. The unborn child the alien prophecy depends on, James Wong, must escape China before being murdered.

In adulthood, non-politician James Wong changes his name to None of the Above (None) and runs for president. None must become the right person to stop doomsday, including making the correct mistakes. How can he succeed when assassins leave him with brain damage?

A mysterious entity intervenes to prevent nuclear war over Taiwan, which creates an even worse timeline. How can None stop a nuclear war during an AI battle for supremacy?

Earth faces the Triple Apocalypse and the aliens behind it. In the search for weapons to defend Earth, None finds a fleet much older than the universe.

The ancient fleet holds secrets of the Big Bang. Those secrets begin a series of intergalactic wars that will destroy the multiverse unless stopped.

Please contact me if you’d like to read the pilot or TV pitch bible.

BIO: P.G. Sundling was a software engineer for 24 years, including 14 years in entertainment (Universal, Disney, Sony). He writes terse cinematic novels designed to be adaptable to film/TV, like the award-winning None of the Above series.

<contact info>

Version 3 after feedback

Dear <name>,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’m P.G. Sundling. I worked in entertainment (Universal, Disney, and Sony) for 14 years, mostly coding tools to put movies and TV shows on the PlayStation store. I retired early to write full-time.

I want to adapt my award-winning None of the Above sci-fi thriller novel series to streaming:

Reality defends itself against timeline meddlers. Time travel stories are always tragic. Prophecies are risky business and vague for a reason. When prophets make mistakes, unforeseen consequences befall the rest of us.

Aliens decide to wipe out all life on Earth when a prophecy warns Earth will destroy their home planet. An unborn child from that prophecy must escape China before being murdered.

In adulthood, non-politician James Wong changes his name to None of the Above (None) in an unlikely run for president. None must become the right person to stop doomsday, including making the correct mistakes. How can he succeed when assassins leave him brain-damaged?

A timeline intervention to prevent nuclear war over Taiwan creates an even worse timeline. None must stop nuclear war during an AI battle for supremacy. Who are his true enemies?

Earth faces the Triple Apocalypse and the aliens behind it. In the search for weapons to defend Earth, None finds a fleet much older than the universe. He must unravel its secrets before an invasion destroys Earth.

Secrets about the Big Bang and ancient technologies ignite a series of intergalactic wars. If not stopped in time, the multiverse will be destroyed.

Please contact me if you’d like to read the pilot or TV pitch bible.

<contact info>

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  P.G. Sundling.

[P.G. Sundling]

Oh, and I’d include a link to the first book in the series on Amazon in the query letter.

What others say about my work has more credibility than what I say.

When the book series is pretty complete, a link to the series on Amazon gives them a chance to see the reviews and get more info. If I time a marketing push at the same time, they’ll also see it highly ranked in the store. That’s my long-term plan.

[Wendy Weising]

Wendy Weising’s Query Letter Draft ONE

What I learned doing this assignment is if what you put in the letter is compelling, you may not need awards behind your name.

Would you rather be a cannibal or starve to death? One woman must choose.

On Earth, Jane takes the abuse of her violent husband to protect her kids. She dreams about commanding an army—which is true. Her memory was wiped, but she’s remembering her real life again. So the aliens on the planet Cerebros recall her—by running her down with her husband’s car.

She wakes up in restraints in a strange hospital where everyone tells her she’s crazy; she has no children.

She soon learns the truth about the hospital—the patients aren’t getting better; they’re being consumed as food by the aliens controlling the hospital. She does have children, but they’re miles away.

Can she escape and get to them before their served up on someone’s table? For that matter, can she defeat the aliens before humans cease to exist. If she fails, it will be the end of us all.

But in order to do that, she must defeat Dr. Jones, who is the dictator of the hospital. What she wants, she gets. She controls everyone with something. Ava is a fifteen-year-old whose mother was killed by Dr. Jones. Jones now pimps her out to her friends and then gives her drugs to feed her addiction. Her colleague, Dr. Zyn, loves Jane but must become Dr. Jones’s mate to protect Jane. She uses Polly as a slave, with the threat that she will be next on the menu. And Dr. Jones hates humans, even though she needs them to survive.

Then Jane discovers she is really an alien. Before her memory wipe, Jane was a mercenary who kidnapped potential food sources to protect her children from Dr. Jones. Jones forced her to kill Ava and Polly’s parents.

Jane escapes the hospital, but can she feed human flesh to herself and children to save them? Can she watch them slowly die?

Jane finds out Dr. Jones’s darkest secret: Aliens and humans started from the same race of people. What will she do now? Is there another answer besides being a cannibal?

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Wendy Weising

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Wendy Weising.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Wendy Weising.