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Lesson 11
Partner up to exchange feedback.
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19 Replies
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I am looking to exchange feedback. Thank you.
Rebecca’s 4 Pitches – Draft 1
Elevator Pitch:
I’m finishing up action/drama movie inspired by a true family story about a significant coal strike, the violent events censored from history.
Pitch Fest:
Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War.
I have an Action/Thriller titled RAGMAN’S WAR inspired by a true family story. (Light Pause) RAGMAN’S WAR tells of a reluctant war hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s captive citizens, but how do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?
Phone Pitch:
Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. May I tell you about it in 30 seconds?
(If Answer is Yes) RAGMAN’S WAR is a thriller based on a true family story comparable to the Grapes of Wrath, but in the 1927 captive coal patches owned by the giant steel companies. RAGMAN’S WAR tells of a reluctant war hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s citizens, but how do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?
Query Letter:
Title: Ragman’s War
Written by R. S. Sukle
Inspired by a true family story
Genre: Action/ Drama
The funny thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.
Ragman, a World War 1 sniper, sees his brother blown up and retaliates. He picks off sixteen enemy soldiers but lets the officer remain alive, a big mistake.
Ten years later, the officer, Bucholz, tracks down Ragman, now a mine mechanic, and sets up the ultimate revenge.
As Commander of the company coal and iron police that invade Ragman’s town, the rabid Bucholtz violently dominates the community and targets Ragman’s family.
Ragman’s wife convinces him that distance from the Commander is safer than vengeance until Bucholz forces him into a final confrontation.
How do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I am the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. I have appeared on radio, television, and newspapers to share my unique knowledge of early Twentieth Century labor history.
Thank you,
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Eclipse Neilson feedback on pitches
I welcome feedback . Thank you.
Elevator Pitch
Pitch 1.
A dedicated nun destined to become a saint in this lifetime, bonds with her beloved soulmate – the village witch to help battle the evils of hatred consuming the heart of humanity.
Pitch 2
The Council of Universal Beings sends two soulmates back to earth to save the soul of humanity – one is a Nun and the other is a witch.
Pitch 3
I am an optioned screenwriter and award-winning author. I specialize in drama with strong female leads, inspirational themes, women’s issues, and discrimination in all areas.
Pitch Fest Pitch
Hi, I’m Eclipse Neilson and I’m an optioned screenwriter. I am currently a quarter finalist in the Emerging Screenwriters International contest and an award-wining author.
I write drama sci-fi scripts that address all areas of discrimination and current environmental issues.
My newest project is The Nun and The Witch. Dram/sci-fi
The Council of Universal Beings sends two soulmates back to earth to save the soul of humanity – one is a Nun who will become a saint and the other is a Witch who will help her.
Their bond sets off the conservative villagers who are out to get rid of them no matter what, while the ghost of the church’s late minister is trapped between heaven and hell and needs their help.
The budget is 5-10 million
This is a great role for someone like Lena Poussette (witch ) and Elise Le Hir (Nun) and somebody like Anthony Hopkins (minister)
Act I
The souls of Anne(nun) and Lunea (witch) and her daughter Athena travel through a time tunnel and experience their relevant past lives. They arrive at the present where they are separated and lose their memory of each other. Their task will be to find each other.
Act II
They find each other and have a strong attraction. Sister Anne a timid nun is taking care of Father Sinclair an aging minister of a small conservative church and Lunea is a Witch having escaped with her daughter from Ukraine.
Father Sinclair dies leaving Sister Anne in charge.
Act III
Sister Anne being in charge of the church and bonding with a witch sets off the angry villagers, who set out to get them. Sister Anne must find the courage to become the leader she is destined to become so as to become a saint. Lunea must help her. Meanwhile, Father Sinclair begins to haunt Sister Anne because he is trapped between heaven and hell and the evil spirits are trying to take him and the village over.
Act IV
Sister Anne, Lunea and her daughter are shot by an angry teen who feels he has been rejected by Lunea’s daughter. Just before Lunea and Sister Anne die in each other’s arms, Lunea accomplishes her mission and is able to secretly perform a miracle that looks like Sister Anne has healed Athena. The Council of Universal Beings appear and returns their souls back to heaven. This causes a wake-up call for the villagers similar to Romeo and Juliet’s last scene.
Credibility: I am currently working with a producer in preproduction for one of my scripts and learning what it takes to make a film which is very helpful as a writer.
Phone Pitch
Hi, I’m Eclipse Neilson I am an optioned screenwriter and an award-wining author who specializes in dramas with strong female roles, and discrimination and environmental issues in all areas.
I have a Drama/sci-fi titled The Nun and The Witch
I have forty years of experience teaching both Goddess and Christian traditions in spiritual retreats and conferences.
What’s the budget range? 5-15 million
Who do you see in the main roles? Upcoming aspiring actors and one A lister someone like Anthony HopkinsHow many pages is the script? 110 pages
Who else has seen this? No one yet
Why do you think this fits our company? You are doing work that is helping the world come together and address current issues.
How does the movie end? Tragic ending that creates hope for the future and humanity. A Romeo Juliet ending.
Query Letter
THE NUN AND THE WITCH
DRAMA/SCI-FI
Written by Eclipse Neilson
Humanity is close to self-destruction as hatred permeates the planet.
The Council of Universal Beings sends two soulmates back to Earth to prove Love is greater than Hate. One is a nun destined to become a saint and one is a witch who will help her fulfill her destiny.
They must find the one moment in time that changes the course of the future of humanity.
But the Nun is haunted by the late minister of her church – now a ghost trapped between heaven and hell battling demons seeking her help. And the powerful Witch is harassed by raging villagers who have set out to destroy both of them for their friendship and their mission.
Will hate-filled discrimination be spurred by religious dogma rule once again? Or will the Council of Universal beings step in one more time to create the moment that will change the course of the soul of humanity?
I am an optioned screenwriter and award-winning author. I specialize in drama with strong female leads, inspirational themes, women’s issues, and discrimination in all areas.
If you are interested in the concept, I would be happy to send you the script.
Eclipse Neilson
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Hi Eclipse– are you still seeking feedback? I would be happy to exchange with you. I will be posting mine by this evening, or possibly tomorrow at the latest. I will give feedback by messaging, if that is good with you.
-Erik
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Erik sure my email is eclipsfey@aol.com
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Jeffrey Alan Chase’s 4 Pitches – Draft 1
Elevator pitch: I just finished a thriller about a woman with amnesia who must battle her angry, six-year-old self and a devious hypnotist and to discover how her treasure hunter father died.
Phone pitch: Hi, my name is Jeffrey Alan Chase and I’m wondering if I could run a quick high concept by you.
It is a Mystery Thriller, and the title is Shards.
My High Concept: A young pottery restoration expert with no memory of her childhood pieces together a dark past to discover her father’s murder and her hypnotist’s ties to a Conquistador treasure.
The script begs the question: If you had no memory of your childhood, would you risk your life to remember it?
What’s the budget range? I feel that the budget will be low to mid-range, maybe $5M to $20M.
Who do you see in the main roles? The person I see as the female protagonist can show a wide range of emotional abilities. Think Emma Watson, Kathryn Newton or Odeya Rush. Shards is an antagonist-driven story. I’ve always felt that Stanley Tucci would be perfect as the villain.
How many pages is the script? 117
Who else has seen this? You are the first person I’ve contacted.
Why do you think this fits our company? You have produced X and XX and XXX.
How does the movie end? The movie ends when Sarah and March must fight to the death on a high, dangerous cliff in a remote canyon on the Navajo Indian Reservation.
Pitch fest pitch: Hi, my name is Jeffrey Alan Chase. I’m a screenwriter with a contest win and numerous placements.
I’ve just finished a new mystery thriller feature. The title is Shards.
Shards begs the question: If you had no memory of your childhood, would you risk your life to remember it?
I believe the budget for Shards falls into the low to mid- range.
Shards is an antagonist-driven story. I’ve always felt that Stanley Tucci would be perfect for the villain. The protagonist’s role is a great fit for a female actor with a wide range of emotional abilities. Think Emma Watson, Kathryn Newton or Odeya Rush.
In ACT 1, young pottery restoration expert, Sarah Cole has no memory of her life before the age of six. Hypnotist James March helps her recall bits and pieces of her childhood. The memories terrify Sarah, but with March’s caring guidance, she dives deep into her dark, mysterious past.
In ACT II, March helps Sarah meet her 6-year-old self. The little girl is spunky, tough; qualities Sarah has lost. March totally controls Sarah’s therapy and seems obsessed with helping her remember the location of a treasure cave in the desert. When Sarah recalls painful memories about the cave, her younger self privately tells Sarah not to trust March.
In ACT III, Sarah and March travel into the desert to jog her memories. Along the way, Sarah battles her younger self who accuses her of killing their father. And March seems to know more about her childhood than he should. They re-discover the cave. It’s full of Conquistador treasure. Sarah now remembers this is where she lost her memory as a child. She also remembers it was March, who as a young, bearded grave robber, threw her off a cliff.
How it ends: Sarah reconnects with her warrior spirit. Sarah and March fight. Sarah wins.
Logline: A young, pottery restoration expert pieces together a dark past and discovers her hypnotist’s ties to her father’s murder and a Conquistador treasure.
Query letter: If you had no memory of your childhood, would you risk your life to remember it?
For a young pottery restoration expert with amnesia, a chance meeting with hypnotherapist James March is a god send. Under hypnosis, Sarah pieces some of her childhood memories back together and is overjoyed – until she meets her six-year-old self.
The little girl tells Sarah not to trust March.
Desperate for answers, Sarah continues therapy. She remembers a cave in the desert. And also that her father was a treasure hunter. Then her younger self accuses Sarah of killing her father.
Sarah suspects March is manipulating her memories.
Will Sarah discover the truth about her dark past? Or lose her life? Or both?
If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Contact info here…
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Jeffery, would you like to exchange feedback? My email is lori.lance@comcast.net.
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As I mentioned, Jeffrey, you nailed it. I just suggest you change ‘hypnotist’ to ‘hypnotherapist.’
Good Luck. I look forward to seeing ‘Shards’ on the screen.
Bob
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Lori Lance’s 4 Pitches – DRAFT 1
I’d like to exchange feedback. Thanks.
Elevator Pitch
Elevator Pitch 1:
I am working on a family comedy called AI Mom. The Logans think they are getting a House Bot to fill in while mom is away, but end up with a sentient robot yearning to become part of a family. The problem is mom will have to go, permanently.
Elevator Pitch 2:
Alex is a sentient AI bot with no moral or ethical compass. I guess her creator could not fit those things into the algorithm, but when you play God, there is always a chance your children will turn out to be brats.
Elevator Pitch 3:
All the knowledge in the world does not mean an AI bot can cook or clean, but when the bot is sentient with no moral or ethical compass, those will be the least of the problems for the poor Logan family.
Phone Pitch:
Hi, I ‘m Lori Lance. I specialize in family-friendly scripts, and I have a project I’d like to run by you. (pause) I have a family comedy titled A.I. Mom. It has been a fear of mankind for decades that technology would become so advanced that it would pose a threat to humans. That day is here, her name is Alex, and the Logan family will never be the same.
Pitch Fest Pitch:
Hi, I’m Lori Lance. I specialize in family-friendly scripts, and I have a family comedy titled A.I. Mom. It has been a fear of mankind for decades that technology would become so advanced that it would pose a threat to humans. That day is here, her name is Alex, and the nice Logan family down the street will never be the same.
Query Letter:
It has been a fear of people for decades that technology would become so advanced that it would pose a threat to humans. That day is here. Her name is Alex, and the nice Logan family down the street will never be the same.
Alex is a sentient AI bot with no moral or ethical compass. I guess her creator could not fit those things into the algorithm, but when you play God, there is always a chance your children will turn out to be brats.
In my family comedy titled AI Mom, the Logans think they are getting a House Bot to fill in while mom is away, but Alex has different ideas. Besides, all the knowledge in the world does not mean she can cook or clean, and forget about the laundry, those missing socks will never be found again. No, Alex has other things on her mind. She wants to take the mom’s place, permanently.
If you like my concept, I would be happy to send you the script.
Best Regards,
Lori Lance
(Contact info.)
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Lori Lance.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Lori Lance.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
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Lori Lance’s Pitches – DRAFT 2
Elevator Pitch 1:
I am working on a family comedy called AI Mom. The Logans think they are getting a House Bot to fill in while mom is away, but end up with a sentient robot yearning to become part of a family. The problem is mom will have to go, permanently.
Phone/ Pitch Fest Pitch:
Hi, I’m Lori Lance. Forbes magazine tells of a Bing A.I. expressing love for a NYT journalist and attempting to break up his marriage. Yes, the future is here, and in my family comedy, her name is Alex. (Pause)
The Logans think they are getting a House Bot to fill in while mom is away for work, but end up with a sentient robot with no moral compass who yearns to become part of the family while mom gets put out on permanent leave.
Query Letter:
Forbes magazine tells of a Bing A.I. expressing love for a NYT journalist and attempting to break up his marriage. Yes, the future is here, and in my family comedy, her name is Alex.
The Logans think they are getting a House Bot to fill in while mom is away, but end up with a sentient robot with no moral compass who yearns to become part of the family and put mom on a permanent leave of absence.
When man plays God, there is always a chance his children will turn out to be brats.
If you like the concept for my family comedy, A.I. Mom, I would be happy to send you the script.
Best Regards,
Lori Lance
(Contact info.)
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Lori Lance.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Lori Lance.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
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Hi all,
I’m still working on my other pitches but am looking for feedback on my query letter below. Thank you!
Dear Manager/Producer,
Imagine waking up in total darkness. The first words you hear, “Ready to confess?”
This is Tom Carter’s fate in my high concept, contained thriller, TRAPPED.
Claustrophobic and confined to an underwater grave for stealing billions in Bitcoin from the Russian mob, a Los Angeles retail store manager has just 60 minutes to prove his innocence and save his family.
The clock is ticking. Help Tom escape. Request a copy of the screenplay before time runs out.
Sincerely,
Farrin Rosenthal
818-xxx-xxxx
BIO: Farrin is a Professional Screenwriter. He specializes in highly marketable spec screenplays and loves to collaborate with producers, be it to help them bring original TV and movie ideas to life, elevate existing material, or adapt books and other IP into scripts.
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Rebecca’s 4 Pitches Draft 2
Query Letter:
H,
The funny thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.
RAGMAN’S WAR is an action/drama based on a true family story comparable to the Grapes of Wrath, but in the 1927 captive coal patches owned by the giant steel companies. It tells of a reluctant World War One hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s citizens.
How do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges an carry all the guns?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I am the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. I have appeared on radio, television, and newspapers to share my unique knowledge of early Twentieth Century labor history.
Thank you,
Rebecca Sukle
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Rebecca Sukle.
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Feedback for Rebecca
Hi Rebecca!
Right away, I love the marketing potential of your script, true story and your expertise in the subject are amazing assets! I agree that in the wake of Yellowstone success the demand for RAGMAN’S WAR will be higher still. I hope my thoughts on your pitches can help you get closer to success sooner. Let’s go!
I can see you wrote two drafts of your query letter, and I wonder why in the second draft you opted for replacing the hooks (storytelling) with pitch fest line (telling about the story). I think your first draft is stronger, so I’ll review it below. As for the second:
Rebecca’s 4 Pitches Draft 2
Query Letter:
H,
The funny thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.
It’s a very general statement true for most stories, but most importantly, the word “funny” prepares for a comedy pitch. If it’s important for you to keep the line, you may want to go simply: “The thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.” Or more ominous “The thing about destiny, it always gets even.” Or “Destiny gets even. True story.”
RAGMAN’S WAR is an action/drama based on a true family story comparable to the Grapes of Wrath, but in the 1927 captive coal patches owned by the giant steel companies. It tells of a reluctant World War One hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s citizens.
I mentioned earlier, it’s not as engaging to read a logline/premise line as it is a query letter built on hooks. It might serve your project better if you follow Hal’s model.
How do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges an carry all the guns?
Love this! It’s a great hook, fantastic conflict, and it does make us see the movie — in just one sentence. You could easily lead with it as well. Yet in this draft, as you put it between the logline and the offer, it comes out of nowhere, three changes of tone in four sentences is a bit of a bumpy ride.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I am the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. I have appeared on radio, television, and newspapers to share my unique knowledge of early Twentieth Century labor history.
Great credibility! I would suggest to cut the unnecessary details for the sake of clarity and brevity, along the lines of:
I am a labor history expert and the first writer investigating and exposing violent events of 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike censored from history in my novel, on radio, television, and press.
Thank you,
Rebecca Sukle
Elevator Pitch:
I’m finishing up action/drama movie inspired by a true family story about a significant coal strike, the violent events censored from history.
That’s pretty cool! I’ll give it a go, though, because it feels like there should be an easier way to say it (to remember) and fit all the important info:
I’m finishing up an action drama movie based on a true story of a family surviving a violent coal strike censored from history.
Pitch Fest:
Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War.
Nice! As it’s spoken it might be clearer with some minor tweaks.
Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent event that was censored from history until I exposed it in my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War.
I have an Action/Thriller titled RAGMAN’S WAR inspired by a true family story. (Light Pause) RAGMAN’S WAR tells of a reluctant war hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s captive citizens, but how do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?
Great! But since I’m on a roll:
I have an Action Thriller RAGMAN’S WAR inspired by a true story censored from history books. (Light Pause) It’s a story of a reluctant war hero forced to kill again to save his town’s captive citizens from the bad guys who wear the badges and carry all the guns.
Phone Pitch:
Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. May I tell you about it in 30 seconds?
Here it’s not very clear what you are asking to tell them about, your novel, strike, events or investigation (you don’t mention the script/story). How about:
Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, the first writer to investigate the violent events of 1927 Coal Strike that were censored from history until I exposed them in my novel and my latest screenplay. May I tell you about it in 30 seconds?
(If Answer is Yes) RAGMAN’S WAR is a thriller based on a true family story comparable to the Grapes of Wrath, but in the 1927 captive coal patches owned by the giant steel companies. RAGMAN’S WAR tells of a reluctant war hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s citizens, but how do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?
I’m not sure mentioning comps here adds a lot of value. Maybe it does. It’s a bit confusing whether the story that it’s based on is comparable, or the type of film. My take:
(If Answer is Yes) RAGMAN’S WAR is a thriller based on a true story that happened in the 1927 captive coal patches owned by the giant steel companies. It’s about a reluctant war hero who must kill again to save his town’s citizens from the bad guys that wear the badges and carry all the guns.
Query Letter:
Title: Ragman’s War
Written by R. S. Sukle
Inspired by a true family story
Genre: Action/ Drama
The part above is not needed for a query letter, as it has to start with a hook. You can include some of this info in the end.
The funny thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.
Ragman, a World War 1 sniper, sees his brother blown up and retaliates. He picks off sixteen enemy soldiers but lets the officer remain alive, a big mistake.
Ten years later, the officer, Bucholz, tracks down Ragman, now a mine mechanic, and sets up the ultimate revenge.
As Commander of the company coal and iron police that invade Ragman’s town, the rabid Bucholtz violently dominates the community and targets Ragman’s family.
Ragman’s wife convinces him that distance from the Commander is safer than vengeance until Bucholz forces him into a final confrontation.
How do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I really like this version of your query letter, see if you like any of the editing below.
Destiny always gets even. True story.
Seeing his brother blown up, a World War sniper Ragman retaliates. He picks off sixteen enemy soldiers but lets the officer remain alive.
Ten years later, the officer, Bucholz, tracks Ragman down and sets up the ultimate revenge.
As Commander of the police-for-hire that invade Ragman’s town, the rabid Bucholtz violently dominates the coal miners’ community and targets Ragman’s family.
How do you fight the bad guys when they wear badges and carry all the guns?
Ragman’s wife begs him to choose safety over vengeance but only until Bucholz makes sure that safety is not an option.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I am the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. I have appeared on radio, television, and newspapers to share my unique knowledge of early Twentieth Century labor history.
Reviewed this part earlier.
Wow! I must say, I’m not a huge fan of movies based on true stories, but yours is obviously super engaging in many ways. I guess it’s the reason why I spent time rewriting even what’s already good, just got carried away. Congrats, beautifully done! I hope you’ll find some of my notes helpful as you polish your pitch.
Best,
Valeriya
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Valeria,
I am grateful for your helpful insight on my pitch’s.
Thank you,
Rebecca
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
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Erik’s 4 pitches
Well, it looks like we lost a bunch of posts. Hoping to exchange feedback with someone, I will leave my e-mail right here, also feel free to send a connection request here in ‘screenwritingclasses’ for messaging. Anyone care to exchange?
e-mail: ejwooten@protonmail.com
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Erik’s 4 Pitches
Elevator:
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF TWO 8-YEAR-OLD ORPHAN RUNAWAYS MOVED INTO THE WORLD’S BIGGEST SHOPPING MALL?
Phone pitch:
Hi, I’m Erik Wooten, and I have a family comedy (-drama) movie that’s ANNIE meets HOME ALONE in a shopping mall.
Q: Budget = Low end of High
Q: Who do you see in the main roles?
This movie would be the perfect opportunity for two child actors who have really promising talent.
Sarah (32): Amanda (42): ( IF RENEE ZELLWEGER COULD BE MADE TO LOOK JUST A FEW YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER REAL AGE, THIS IS THE ROLE FOR HER, A SUPPORTING ROLE BUT A STAND-OUT, WITH UNLIKELY TENDERNESS. ) (KIRSTEN DUNST, or actresses of her position.)
Q: How many pages? =109
Q: Why do you think this fits our company?
First, I love many of the movies the company has done, particularly _________ and _________. And this movie is very much in the spirit of your other successes, such as ________ and __________. I believe it fits right in.
Q: How does it end?
Mall employee Sarah seeks adoption of both Penny & Mara, but not only does she learn about Mara’s prospective parents, but she also learns that she is disqualified to adopt. But because Mara’s adoption basically falls through, that buys everyone the time for Sarah to change her circumstances and be qualified to adopt. At the end, we see Penny and Mara out on a day visit with Sarah and her new husband.
Pitch Fest pitch:
Hi,
I’m Erik, I write family comedies and holiday movies / [ I’ve won ________
contest ]. I have a FAMILY COMEDY titled PENNY & MARA MOVE TO THE MALL.What would happen if two 8-year-old orphan runaways moved into the world’s biggest shopping mall?
OR:
Two runaway orphans find a belief in themselves while trying to survive in the world’s biggest shopping mall.
OR:
Two mismatched orphans escape their boarding house and move into the world’s biggest mall to shop for parents but instead find a belief in themselves.
OR:
An orphan girl accidentally starts a fire in her boarding house. The result? A coming-of-age journey of survival in the world’s biggest shopping mall!
Budget: Low end of High
Actors
:This movie would be the perfect opportunity for two child actors who have really promising talent.
Sarah (32):
Amanda (42): ( IF RENEE ZELLWEGER COULD BE MADE TO LOOK JUST A FEW YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER REAL AGE, THIS IS THE ROLE FOR HER, A SUPPORTING ROLE BUT A STAND-OUT, WITH SOME UNEXPECTED TENDERNESS. )
(KIRSTEN DUNST, or actresses of her position.)
In Act 1, Penny obliviously starts a fire in the kitchen of the boarding house or orphanage and escapes out a window onto a back alley, where she comes face to face with Mara, another of the orphan kids, who also obviously escaped. Penny leads them down the alley, onto the street, and into the mall.
Act 2, is the heart of Penny and Mara’s experience living in the world’s biggest mall—they learn how to survive and even thrive, shop for parents, lose each other in a character-defining crisis, are reunited, make a pact to only be adopted together, and finally are caught by investigators and taken back to the orphanage.
In Act 3, Mara’s pending adoption threatens to separate her and Penny forever. Former mall employee Sarah is the only hope as the adoptive parent of Penny and Mara, even though she is disqualified to adopt.
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF TWO 8-YEAR-OLD ORPHAN RUNAWAYS MOVED INTO THE WORLD’S BIGGEST SHOPPING MALL?
Worldly-wise orphan Penny believes that she will never be adopted and that adults cannot be trusted. But timid, dignified Mara is patiently waiting for the perfect parents who will give her a belief in herself. So when they escape their boarding house during a fire, Penny sees her chance to take charge of her life. It lies only a couple blocks away—the world’s biggest shopping mall!
When they take shelter in the mega-mall, Mara has no idea that Penny has no intention of ever going back, and Penny has the perfect sop to get Mara to go along with her plan—they can find their own parents here in the mall!
But when they lose each other they are cast adrift and totally on their own.
By a miracle, they eventually reunite, but soon their luck runs out—they are caught and taken back to the boarding house. Having begun months ago, Mara’s adoption now looks like a sure thing. What now will become of the girls and their pact to only be adopted together? A long-shot hope lies in former mall employee Sarah—if she can overcome being disqualified to adopt.
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Andrew Kelm’s 4 Pitches – Draft 1
This is grotesquely late, but if anyone is still looking for an exchange, please contact me.
______________________
1. Elevator pitch
I’m working on a domestic thriller about a fortune teller who manipulates people to death.______________________
2. Phone pitch
I have a thriller about a fortune teller who’s on the edge between a genuine psychic and a master manipulator. When a sexual predator threatens her children, he winds up dead.______________________
3. Pitch Fest pitch
Hi. I am an award-winning screenwriter who specializes in thrillers.When Daphne’s husband dies in a freak accident with a power saw, she’s left to fend for herself and her two sons, reading tarot cards to make ends meet. A client with a shady past offers her a new life, but it turns out he may be more interested In her sons than her. Is another accident in the cards?
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4. Query Letter
QUEEN OF SWORDS – domestic thriller
“The universe always protects me.”
Ed’s tragic encounter with a power saw is probably an accident.
In some ways, Daphne is better off without the brute, but his death leaves her a single mother making ends meet reading tarot cards above a hair salon owned by her annoying mother; not for long if she can help it. Daphne is resourceful, determined and more than a little impulsive, so when a cocky new client starts to woo her, it isn’t long before she’s moving in with him along with her two boys.
Too bad he’s a sexual predator.
Daphne can put up with a lot — maybe because she was abused as a child; or maybe because she grew up with gay hairdressers; or maybe because she’s had too many bad relationships — so Roy’s shady past isn’t a deal breaker, until he starts to take an unhealthy interest in one of her sons. Luckily, fate steps in to resolve the issue for her.
Or is Daphne a serial killer?
If you like the concept, I would be happy to send you the script.
Regards,
AndrewBio: Andrew Kelm is an award-winning screenwriter who studied writing at the Canadian Film Centre
Contact Andrew Kelm: ndrwkelm@gmail.com / 416-929-2304
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Draft 2
1. Elevator pitch
I’m working on a thriller about a fortune teller who manipulates people to death.
2. Phone pitch
I have a thriller about a fortune teller with a genuine gift for helping people combined with a talent for manipulation. Her Achilles heel is a pattern of being drawn to abusive men. When they start turning up dead, the police are suspicious but she is always far from the scene.
3. Pitch Fest pitch
Hi. I am an award-winning screenwriter who specializes in thrillers.
When Daphne’s abusive husband dies in an apparent accident with a power saw, she’s left a single mother reading tarot cards to make ends meet in an apartment owned by her controlling mother. When a client with a shady past offers her a new life, she grabs at the lifeline, but she discovers that he may have a sexual interest in one of her sons. Is another accident in the cards?
4. Query Letter
QUEEN OF SWORDS – thriller
Ed’s tragic encounter with a power saw is probably an accident.
In some ways, Daphne is better off without the brute, but his death leaves her a single mother making ends meet reading tarot cards above a hair salon owned by her controlling mother. Daphne is resourceful, determined and more than a little impulsive, so when a cocky new client starts to woo her, it isn’t long before she’s moving in with him along with her two boys.
Too bad he’s a sexual predator.
Daphne can put up with a lot — maybe because she was abused as a child; or maybe because she grew up with gay hairdressers; or maybe because she’s had too many bad relationships — so Roy’s shady past doesn’t bother her much, until he starts to take an unhealthy interest in one of her sons. Luckily, fate steps in to resolve the issue for her.
Or is Daphne a serial killer?
If you like the concept, I would be happy to send you the script.
Regards,
Andrew
Bio: Andrew Kelm is an award-winning screenwriter who studied writing at the Canadian Film Centre
Contact Andrew Kelm: ndrwkelm@gmail.com / 416-929-2304
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WIM MODULE 10 LESSON 11
ROBERT SMITH’s Four Pitches – Draft 1
I learned the essentials of pitching in four different methods as a vehicle to get into the industry.
4 PITCHES
Elevator Pitch: Title: “Angels in Gangland.” Genre: Gangster-Comedy.
A murdered gangster is denied entry to Paradise because of his criminal life unless he atones by returning to gangland to haunt and convince his Made Man-killer to flip and turn rat. PICTURE: “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
Phone Pitch:
Hello, I’m Robert R. Smith, may I give you a quick pitch?
(Sure, go ahead.)
I have a gangster comedy that is a first for in the genre: It’s a gangster tale of hope about a slain gangster (Lou) who can only get into heaven if he atones for his life of crime by returning to gangland to haunt and convince his Made Man-killer (Carlo) to quit the mob and turn rat. But can he save his Made Man-killer before he himself gets whacked? PICTURE:“The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”)
Pitch Fest Pitch:
Hi, I’m Robert Smith, I have rewrittern my award winning stage play as a screenplay.
“Angels in Gangland.” Genre: Gangster-Comedy.
A murdered gangster can make it into heaven only if he returns to gangland to haunt and convince his Made Man-killer to quit the mob, flip, and turn rat. It’s a gangster tale of hope (A first for the genre.) PICTURE: “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
Query Letter:
Title: “Angels in Gangland.”
Genre: Gangster-Comedy.
A slain gangster cannot get into Paradise unless he atones for his criminal life by turning to gangland to haunt and convince his Made Man-killer to flip and turn rat.
Guided by his Guardian Angel (Rabbi Solomon), he endures a séance led by a sometime funeral stripper-psychic and engages in spirit possession in order to save his killer. But can he save him before his Boss has him whacked?
It’s a first in the genre: A Gangsgter tale of hope. Picture: “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
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WIM MODULE 10 LESSON 11
ROBERT SMITH’s Four Pitches – Draft 2
I learned the essentials of pitching in four different methods as a vehicle to get into the industry.
4 PITCHES
Elevator Pitch: Title: “Angels in Gangland.” Genre: Gangster-Comedy.
When a murdered gangster is denied entry to Heaven, to redeem himself he must return to gangland to haunt and convince his Mafioso-killer to flip and join the Witness Protection Program. NUTSHELL: “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
Phone Pitch:
Hello, I’m Robert Russell Smith, may I give you a quick pitch?
I have a gangster comedy that is a first for the genre: It’s a tale of hope and redemption about a slain mobster who can get into Heaven only if he returns to gangland to haunt and convince his mafioso-killer to quit the mob and turn state’s evidence. BUT there is a DEADLINE – the deal is off if his killer gets whacked by his Capo before he goes straight. NUTSHELL: “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
I feel the budget is low to mid-range, $5 to $20 million.
I see Michael Imperioli as the lead murdered gangster (Lou). Al Pacino as his spirit guide/Guardian Angel Rabbi Solomon Levitsky. As the antagonist Tony Rizzo, I see Michael Raymond -James, Jon Bernthal, or Alessandro Nivola. As Carlo who kills Lou, I see either Michael Gandolfini or Rafi Gavron. In the role of Sherrie Falco, Carlo’s fiancé: Lucy Fry.
How many pages is the script? 104.
Who else has seen this? You are the first.
Why do you think this fits our company? Because of your productions of X, XX, and XXX.
Pitch Fest Pitch:
Hi, I’m Robert Russell Smith, I have re-written my award-winning stage play “Angels in Gangland” as a screenplay. As a stage play performed as a Zoom production, it won the award for Best Full Length Feature Film at the Cecil County Independent Film Festival, North East, Maryland.
Title: “Angels in Gangland.” Genre: Gangster-Comedy.
A murdered gangster can make it into Heaven only if he returns to gangland to haunt and convince his mafioso-killer to quit the mob, flip, and join the Witness Protection Program. But there’s a deadline: The deal is off if the boss whacks his killer before he goes straight. It’s a gangster tale of hope (A first for the genre.) NUTSHELL: Picture, “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
I feel the budget is low to mid-range, $5 to $20 million.
I see Michael Imperioli as the lead murdered gangster (Lou). Al Pacino as his spirit guide/Guardian Angel Rabbi Solomon Levitsky. As the antagonist Tony Rizzo, I see Michael Raymond -James, Jon Bernthal, or Alessandro Nivola. As Carlo who kills Lou, I see either Michael Gandolfini or Rafi Gavron. In the role of Sherrie Falco, Carlo’s fiancé: Lucy Fry.
How many pages is the script? 104.
Who else has seen this? You are the first.
Why do you thing this fits our company? Because of your productions of X, XX, and XXX.
In Act I: In the Hereafter, just-murdered gangster LOU TASCA is met by his spirit guide and Guardian Angel RABBI SOLOMON LEVITSKY who tells him the only way he can get into Heaven is to go back to gangland to haunt and convince his Mafioso-killer (CARLO PARISI) to quit the mob and enroll in the Witness Protection Program. Rabbi Solomon also wants a collateral good. His wayward gangster son, SAM, is like a brother to Carlo, and hopes that if Lou can convince Carlo to enroll in Witness Protection, Sam will do the same. Against Rabbi Solomon’s advice, Lou crashes Carlo’s 30<sup>th</sup> Birthday Party and scares Carlo who appears insane to Carlo’s Capo, TONY RIZZO who himself had ordered Carlo to kill Lou because he didn’t want to pay him $200,000 in gambling debts. Tony’s disbelief in ghosts is challenged because Carlo starts to recite secrets that incriminate Tony that only Lou Tasca could have told him. So. Tony realizes that he may has to whack Carlo because it is the only way to silence the squealing ghost of Lou Tasca. Carlo’s fiancé (SHERRIE FALCO) arranges for a séance with ZOEY PLATO, so that Lou Tasca’s spirit can be expelled from Carlo’s apartment. Rabbi Solomon teaches Lou how to spirit possess Carlo during the séance to warn Zoey that she is interfering with the mission Lou has to save the life and soul of Carlo Parisi and that she should butt out.
In Act II: At the séance, Lou possesses Carlo and scares off Zoey Plato while Sherrie realizes that Carlo is haunted by Lou’s ghost because Carlo is Lou’s murderer. Sherrie leaves Carlo. Carlo, in vain, tries to reach Sam only to get voicemail. He leaves a message that he wants Sam to come over to his apartment, which would be ideal for Lou and Rabbi Solomon’s mission to get both Carlo and Sam to quit the mob but they realize that they have a deadline as Tony Rizzo may reach Carlo and Sam with a gun.
In Act III: Tony meets with his partner in crime and confidant, i.e., Russian mob boss OLEG ORANSKY to seek counsel on his strange predicament, vis a vis Carlo and Sam. Oleg, however, plays for Tony a recording of Tony’s Supreme Boss, Don Primo Giordano in which the Don states his intention to whack Tony. Tony’s reaction is that he will send the hitman he has recruited to whack Carlo and Sam and then he will whack Don Primo and start his own family. Tony leaves and it is revealed that Oleg is an FBI Informant who then phones his handlers, FBI agents GINA SAVIANO and DAVE MOORE and together they rush off to save Carlo and Sam from Tony’s hitman. Rabbi Solomon who was eavesdropping also rushes off to save Carlo and Sam. At Carlo’s apartment Sam has arrived while Lou has made himself at home. Rabbi Solomon arrives. In one last effort, Lou and Rabbi Solomon tell Carlo and Sam that the decision to enroll in Witness Protection has been made for them with their lives in danger from Tony Rizzo’s hitman. It is revealed, however, that Sam, in fact, is Tony’s hitman whom he has recruited to kill Carlo just as Tony he had recruited Carlo to kill Lou.
HOW IT ENDS: Sam is unable to kill his friend Carlo and they resolve to join Witness Protection. With their mission accomplish, Rabbi Solomon and Lou depart to the Hereafter. The Sherrie, Oleg, Tony, and the FBI and Tony’s wife LISA (Also an informant) all converge on Carlo’s apartment. Carlo, Sam, Sherrie, Oleg, and finally Tony consent to join the Witness Protection Program. In the Hereafter, Rabbi Solomon and Lou part company, with Lou hopping onto his subway train home to Heaven.
Query Letter:
Title: “Angels in Gangland.”
Genre: Gangster-Comedy.
A slain gangster cannot get into Paradise unless he atones for his criminal life by returning to gangland to haunt and convince his Made Man-killer to flip and turn rat.
Guided by his Guardian Angel (Rabbi Solomon), he endures a séance led by a sometime funeral stripper-psychic and engages in spirit possession in order to save his killer. But can he save him before his Boss has him whacked? It’s a first in the genre: A Gangster tale of hope and redemption. Picture: “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
If you would like to read the script, I would be glad to send it to you.
Contact Information:
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