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Lesson 11
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13 Replies
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Deb’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I’ve learned: It all goes back to getting clarity on the scene and finding a way to elevate it. The scene structure is a way to change the emotional state of the audience. It made me stop and think “what emotional state am I going for?”. This helped as I went through each structure option to make the best choice for that scene.
Here’s the original scene beat:
INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY
The next day, Abby, and Delia return to the studio to apologize and say goodbye. Though empty of patrons, there is much activity as they prepare for the second showing (custodial staff, caterers). A cat wanders around the room. Paisley and Victor are also there. Victoria insists they stay and view her last piece of art. She introduces “The Ending”.
What the scene accomplishes:
a. an introduction of the last piece of art.
b. A way to get everyone together for the “reveal”.
c. A way for Abby and Delia to apologize for disappearing the night before.
Components:
The next day – Abby and Delia show up to the art studio.
Most of the group is already there – they apologize.
Before they leave, Torrie insists on showing them her last piece of art.
Scene Structures that might work:
Irony – Delia is not sorry for disappearing the night before.
Misinterpretation – Someone mistakes Abby and Delia for a cleaning crew.
Competitive Agendas – Paisley wants one thing, but Abby wants another.
Selection: Misinterpretation:
What I want the audience to feel: I want to lighten the mood – after the intense scene we just left (Delia almost gets hit by a truck). So, a funny Misinterpretation might work well. In the original scene, Abby and Delia simply walk in and greet Torrie. In this revised scene, I’ve added some confusion over who Abby and Delia are…
NEW SCENE:
INT. MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY
The sun shines through the windows. Abby and Delia enter through the front door. Though empty of patrons there is much activity in preparation for the second showing.
Custodial staff sweep floors and clean surfaces. Caterers bring in boxes of liquor and fill the bar.
A SEVERE WOMAN wears a cleaning smock. Her long hair is braided and wrapped around her head. She carries a mop.
SEVERE WOMAN: It is time about you two shows up. Here, there is broken case of champagne that need is mop up.
Abby looks at the mop.
SEVERE WOMAN: And look out for damn cat. She nearly executed me.
ABBY: We’re not here to clean.
SEVERE WOMAN: Oh, well excuse me. But that is why agency call us.
ABBY: No, you don’t understand…
SEVERE WOMAN: No, I get. I get. Never mind, I do myself.
The Severe Woman huffs off. Delia and Abby look at each other and laugh. Torrie spots them from the back.
TORRIE: We’re back here!
Cleo, the cat, wanders around the room. Paisley sits at the end of the bar next to Victor, in his wheelchair.
VICTOR: Well, look who the cat dragged in!
Torrie crosses to greet them.
ABBY: I’m so sorry about last night.
Torrie and Abby hug.
TORRIE: And how is everyone?
DELIA: We’re fine. Hi Victor.
Delia crosses to Victor.
VICTOR: I’m sorry for ratting you out.
DELIA: It’s okay.
VICTOR: So, I’m guessing you didn’t get your phone.
DELIA: Nope.
Cleo the cat circles Delia’s legs. Delia pets her.
ABBY: We just came to say goodbye.
TORRIE: But you can’t leave. Not yet.
ABBY: Why?
TORRIE: You Must see and hear The End. You absolutely must.
DELIA: I’d like that.
TORRIE: Come here, dear.
Abby and Delia follow Torrie to the last piece of artwork. From a distance, the Severe Woman gives them the evil eye.
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Hey Deb. The scene is definitely lightened up. One suggestion would be that if you mentioned Abby and Delia either are dressed in comfort rather than for a visit to an art galley. This way their appearance could be mistaken as workers (Gym pants and t-shirt) or have them enter through a worker’s entrance for the same reason.
Hope it helps.
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Yes – thank you. another great suggestion.
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Deb: the new scene provides a depth to the conversation and the theme of “saying goodbye”. I think the audience will appreciate that you provide a pause from the emotional scene of nearly getting hit by a truck. It gives them time to breath and prepare for the next emotional piece of the journey. Well done!
I will be posting my lesson assignment by Saturday afternoon. Hope you have a chance to provide feedback.
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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Thanks Bob – glad it resonated with you. The feedback is helpful. I’ll be sure to look for your assignment.
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David Wickenden Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment?
I was very easy to intensify the scene using this technique. I will definitely go through my entire script and see where I can utilize this method. It was especially important as the scene was an introduction to my MC, Adam.
EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY
A group stands before a grave site. ADAM, (15) solid build with sandy hair, stands with his GRANDMOTHER, who is seated in a wheelchair. Beside her chair lies an older dog who stares at the coffin being lowered.
As the coffin is lowered, Adam’s father, George, steps forward and grips the wheelchair. Beside him, his newest girlfriend clings to his arm as her high heels sink into the grass.
FATHER
Okay Mom, we’ve said our goodbyes. Time to get going. I have a business meeting later this afternoon and I still have to drop you off at the home.
GRANDMOTHER
I still don’t understand why I have to sell my home.
FATHER
We’ve already gone over this. You’re too old to take care of the house and I certainly don’t have the time…
ADAM
I could help Grandma.
His father rolls his eyes.
FATHER
Oh yeah, sure. Mr. Responsibility. Can’t even get you to cut the lawn.
A look of apprehension crosses the old lady’s face.
GRANDMOTHER
But what will happen to Scooter?
FATHER
Well, the home doesn’t accept pets, so he’ll be dropped off at the pound.
A look of terror fills both Adam’s and Grandma’s faces.
ADAM
Dad, you can’t!
Anger reddens his father’s face as he turns to his son.
FATHER
Enough. It’s time to grow up, Adam. Life is about making hard decisions. I don’t have time for your whining.
Components
1. Adam’s father is only concerned about himself.
2. Adam stands up for his grandmother.
3. Adam stands up for the dog.
I decided to use the Competitive Agendas to ramp up the conflict between Adam and his father and to show that Adam is honorable and compassionate.
EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY
A group stands before a grave site. ADAM, (15) solid build with sandy hair, stands with his GRANDMOTHER, who is seated in a wheelchair. Beside her chair lies an older dog whining as the coffin being lowered.
As the coffin is lowered, Adam’s father, George, steps forward and grips the wheelchair. Beside him, his newest girlfriend clings to his arm as her high heels sink into the grass.
FATHER
Okay Mom, we’ve said our goodbyes. Time to get going. I have a meeting later this afternoon and I still have to drop you off at the home.
GRANDMOTHER
I still don’t understand why I have to sell my home.
FATHER
We’ve already gone over this. You’re too old to take care of the house and I certainly don’t have the time…
ADAM
I could help Grandma.
His father rolls his eyes.
FATHER
Oh yeah, sure. Mr. Responsibility. Can’t even get you to cut the lawn.
ADAM
It’s not like you’re ever home to notice, even if I did.
His father rounds on him, his hand reaching to grab his son, before he remembers where he is. He looks around for anyone who might be watching.
FATHER
(under his breath)
Get in line, Adam or I’ll make your life a living hell.
Adam and his father glare at each other.
A look of apprehension crosses the old lady’s face.
GRANDMOTHER
But what will happen to Scooter?
FATHER
Well, the home doesn’t accept pets, so he’ll be dropped off at the pound.
A look of terror fills both Adam’s and Grandma’s faces.
ADAM
Dad, you can’t!
Anger reddens his father’s face as he turns to his son.
FATHER
Enough. It’s time to grow up, Adam. Life is about making hard decisions. I don’t have time for your whining.
ADAM
You’d put Grandma and me down just as quickly if you figured you’d get away with it. Especially if we got in the way of your being re-elected.
His father gets right into Adam’s face.
FATHER
No, but a boarding school might be a better idea. They might even teach you a little respect.
ADAM
What the heck do you know about respect. Grandpa was dying and you couldn’t even be bothered to visit. You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself.
His father slaps Adam across the face, almost knocking him from his feet. Grandma cries out.
GRANDMOTHER
No…
Adam’s father turns and roughly grabs the handles of the wheelchair. He shoves the chair forwards across the grass, leaving Adam standing by the grave. The old lady tries to wave at her grandson, but her son pushes her arm down.
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Definitely a much more powerful scene. I now see Adam as a contender – who isn’t afraid to step up and speak the truth.
A dramatic change from the first scene, where Dad just comes off as a bully/jerk.
Great work.
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David:
Love the way you have Adam stand up and confront his father. This is consistent with a young teenage boy identifying with his passions in life. In this case it is his Grandmother and her dog. This approach will provide an opportunity for the audience to pick a side. Either Adam or his father. This will get more buy-in to the conflict. I believe many in the audience can relate to the insensitive nature of Adam’s father either in their own lives or in people they know.
Powerful scene and well done!
I will be posting my work by Saturday afternoon. I hope you have the opportunity to provide feedback.
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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Bob Kerr: Elevate scene structure
What I learned from this assignment is the strategies to lift and improve a scene from just a dull talking heads situation to a dynamic scene that builds the tension of the scene.
The original scene:
EXT: WSU BOATRHOUSE PARKING LOT
Vespoli talks to Fran and explains the responsibility of being a leader off the water as stroke.
What the scene accomplishes is :
a) a decision that a member of the women’s crew who understands she needs to be the leader.
b) demonstrates that Fran is reluctant to be the “formal” leader despite being an informal leader all along.
c) Demonstrates Vespoli’s focus on having direction over the women’s crew by this decision.
Scene Structure Options:
1. SURPRISE: Fran refuses to accept the role of leader and Vespoli is forced to make this a no choice reality.
2.SUSPENSE: Vespoli evaluates Fran’s performance and indicates there is one flaw, the lack of leadership.
3. SUPERIOR POSITION: Vespoli explains this is a no option reality. Stroke means being a leader.
4., IRONY: Fran is thge leader informally. She rejects the accountability that comes with formal expectations.
5. TWIST: Vespoli praises Fran. Now, time to step up and be accountable.
6. MISLEAD & REVEAL: Vespoli asks Fran about her evaluation of the women’s crew. Does she see the gap? The gap is Fran.
The rest of the structures don’t fit well with the conext of the scene.
I chose SUPERIOR POSITION.
EXT. – WSU BOAT HOUSE PARKING LOT – LATER
Vespoli is sitting in his blue van watching the women sprint across the meadow and then cross the road to end up in the parking lot. They are all bent over and breathing hard. Fran straightens up and see’s Vespoli motioning her over to his van. Brenda grabs Fran’s arm as she starts to walk over to Vespoli.
BRENDA
This looks serious. Remember our secret. We’ve still got time.
Fran leans in and whispers to Brenda.
FRAN
Don’t worry. I haven’t said anything to Vespoli.
Fran walks towards Vespoli as the rest of the women head out and get into their cars and head home.
VESPOLI
Fran, you did much better today. Good to see. It’s time to talk about your other responsibilities as stroke.
FRAN
Other responsibilities? I thought it was all about pace. What other responsibilities are you talking about?
VESPOLI
Leadership on and off the water. When we get to Austin, it’s your responsibility to keep the women’s crew together. There will be lots of down time and distractions. You need to keep the women focused and together.
FRAN
(defiantly)
Sounds more like babysitting. Why me?
VESPOLI
(firmly)
Your their stroke now. You set the example. All eyes are going to be on you. Lead with passion and integrity and they will follow you no matter what. Understood?
FRAN
(reluctantly)
Understood. Why didn’t you mention this when you asked me to sit stroke?
VESPOLI
One thing at a time.
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I can definitely see the conflict that you have going in this scene. This is definitely more of a “competing agendas” structure because V wants one thing and F wants the other. This works well.
If you wanted to do “superior position” the audience would need to know up front either V’s or F’s position. (For example V is on his cell phone taking to someone about offering the leadership position to F.) Then the audience is clued into what F is walking into – and wonder how she will respond. Or flip it by F telling her friend how much she hates being a leader.
Another option would be “surprise”. The conversation is V talking generally about the importance of leadership and what is required… To which F responds positively and in agreement. Then at the end of the scene she asks “so who do you have in mind” and V responds “you”.
Hope this is helpful – keep up the great work.
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Deb:
Thanks for the feedback. In early scenes, the relationship between F. & V. is defined more specifically. I like the options you present and it will be something I take an in-depth review of the scene.
Very helpful.
Thanks,
Bob
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Douglas E. Hughes – Elevating Scene Structure
What I’ve learned? Well, that’s a difficult question to answer. I’ve really struggled with this exercise. Having gone through the script three times now, I’ve only been able to find a couple of places where I was able to make some structural tweaks, but they were so minor as to be hardly be worth posting. I should mention that I’ve made a number of structural changes along the way as a result of some of the earlier exercises, but at this point in the process, I’ve come up empty. I suppose this is one of those instances where an objective observer may be able to point out a few possibilities to me, but for the life of me, I can’t see them.
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DAY 11 – Elevating Scene Structure
Lisa Long’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is that the structure can enhance the story and build more interest beyond the characters and dialogue.
ORIGINAL SCENE (Final scene)
EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY
It’s a month later. Ed is lying on a chaise on the patio. Molly is sitting next to him watching a dance video on her phone and marking it with her feet. Chessie is lying at their feet. The restaurant is closed today. April, who has her brace off now, comes out and plops down on a chaise.
APRIL
What’s happening family?
EDGAR
Nothing.
APRIL
(whispering) Do you think now’s the time?
EDGAR
Sure.
Ed sits up. April sits up. They both look at Molly. Molly feels their looks and stares back.
MOLLY
What?
APRIL
Could you turn that off for a minute please?
MOLLY
Just a sec.
EDGAR
Now please. We have something we want to discuss with you.
Molly is suddenly curious.
MOLLY
What?
April pulls a beautiful new pair of toe shoes out from under the chaise lounge.
MOLLY
Oh my God! Are those for me?
APRIL
Sure are!
Molly grabs them and puts lamb’s wool in the toes and laces them up.
APRIL
Don’t get them dirty!
Molly does a pirouette.
APRIL
Okay. Have a seat Mol. We want to talk to you.
Molly plops onto a chaise and puts her new shoes up on it.
EDGAR
I don’t want you to stop dancing. You should go out there and find your star.
MOLLY
But I’ve only had you for a short time. I don’t want to leave you.
EDGAR
Mol, I understand that because I’ve just found you too, but I can no longer be responsible for your dream not continuing. (pauses) I never thought I’d say it, but your dancing makes me happy.
Molly smiles.
APRIL
So, Molly. We’ve made a decision for you.
MOLLY
What decision?
APRIL
Your father and I reached out to Mars and he is offering you a scholarship to the New York City ballet school!
MOLLY
What?! When?!
APRIL
It starts in a couple of weeks. You’ll stay with other kids in the program at the school. Mars will watch out for you. And he’ll be in touch with us.
EDGAR
And when you have a performance or need a mom and dad fix, we’ll come see you.
Molly grabs her face and jumps up and down.
MOLLY
Oh my God! I can’t wait. It’s a dream!
Molly hugs Edgar, April, and Chessie.
MOLLY
You’ve made my life!
Then she runs down the steps and onto the beach. She runs along the sand. Molly dances in the sand as the credits roll.
List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.
Establish that the family is together and happy at long last. April and Edgar agree when it comes to Molly and her dream. Molly has resigned herself to her new life. Twist/Surprise, Molly’s dream will go on. The story ends on a high note.
Present scene structure is Surprise.
Suspense.
April and Edgar can build the suspense by acting like it’s something negative instead of positive…leaving Molly and the audience worried.
Twist.
All is bliss for the newfound family. Suddenly, April and Edgar explain that the family is splitting up. But only because Molly is leaving for NYC.
Mislead and reveal.
Sets up that April and Edgar have a secret that may be terrible for the newfound family. But at the ending is bittersweet when Molly leaves the family to follow her dream.
Chose Mislead and Reveal.
REWRITTEN SCENE (Final scene)
EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY
It’s a month later. Molly is sitting on the patio deck watching a dance video on her phone and marking it with her feet. Chessie is lying at their feet. The restaurant is closed for the Christmas season. A pink plastic Christmas tree is on the deck with colored lights across the patio. April and Edgar are nervously watching her through the window of the indoor patio.
APRIL
When are we going to tell her what we’ve done?
EDGAR
Once we hear back. Should be any minute.
Edgar’s cell phone rings.
EDGAR
Here it is.
Edgar answers.
EDGAR (into phone)
Hi. Sure.
APRIL
What?
EDGAR (whispering)
I see. No that’s cool.
April pulls on his arm.
EDGAR
You want me to tell her? (pause) Well, okay. Thanks for calling. Talk to you later.
Edgar hangs up and looks intently at April.
APRIL
Well?
Edgar shakes his head yes. They walk calmly out of the patio door. They sit on chaises next to Molly. They both look at her. Molly feels their looks and stares back.
MOLLY
What?
APRIL
Could you turn that off for a minute please?
MOLLY
Just a sec.
EDGAR
Now please. We have something we want to discuss with you.
Molly is suddenly curious.
MOLLY
What?
APRIL
Okay. Have a seat Mol. We want to talk to you.
Molly plops onto a chaise.
EDGAR
We don’t know how to tell you, but our little family is splitting up.
MOLLY
What?! But you promised you would stay together!
EDGAR
No Molly. April and I are staying together.
APRIL
Edgar and I will always be together.
MOLLY
I don’t understand.
EDGAR
Mol, I can no longer be responsible for your dream not continuing. (pauses) I never thought I’d say it, but your dancing makes me happy.
Molly half smiles.
APRIL
So, Molly. We’ve decided for you.
MOLLY
Decided what?
APRIL
Your father and I reached out to Mars and he is offering you a scholarship to the New York City ballet school!
MOLLY
What?! When?!
Molly stops in her tracks.
MOLLY (CON’T)
But we’ve just become a family…
APRIL
We know, but distance won’t break us. School starts January 2nd. You’ll stay with other kids in the program at the school. Mars will watch out for you. And he’ll be in touch with us.
EDGAR
And when you have a performance or need a mom and dad fix, we’ll come see you.
Molly grabs her face and jumps up and down.
MOLLY
Oh my God! It’s a dream!
April pulls a beautiful new pair of toe shoes out from under the chaise lounge.
MOLLY
Oh my God! Are those for me?
APRIL
Sure are!
Molly grabs them and pulls them out of the box.
APRIL
Don’t get them dirty!
Molly does a pirouette while hugging the new shoes. She hugs Edgar, April, and Chessie.
MOLLY
You’ve made my whole life!
Then she runs down the steps and onto the beach. She runs along the sand. Chessie follows her barking. Molly dances in the sand as the credits roll.
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