Lesson 11

[Michael Williamsen]

I tried to use all the criteria of

Chronological. Surprise. Suspense Superior Position Irony Crucible Twist

Mislead and reveal Misinterpretation Competitive Agendas

Investigation / Hiding

21 INT. MIKES OFFICE — DAY

Bob enters Mike’s office. He tosses a sweater onto Mike’s
desk. He catches his own reflection in a photo of Victoria
on the wall, licks his finger and attends to a misaligned
hair on his magazine cover hair.

Bob kisses his fingertips and places the kiss onto Victoria’s
face in the photo.

BOB (CONT’D)

You really don’t deserve her.

Bob spins to face off with Mike.

BOB (CONT’D)

Your daughter left her sweater at my
beach house. She must have gotten
your loser instincts.

Bob looks over various uninteresting items.

BOB (CONT’D)

It must be tough, guys like you,

always trying to do the right thing —
make a difference. Then in the back

of your mind you know with all your
training could get you much more
rewards. And you watch guys like me
get it all.

Bob picks up the take-out bag off Mike’s desk dumping into
the trash.

BOB (CONT’D)

She deserves better. But you are the one she loves.

MIKE

Yeah, I can tell by how much you are tempting her with your world.

BOB

You moron. I don’t want her. I am just showing her the life she deserves, and she can have with you.

Bob stands absorbing the MOST WANTED posters.

BOB (CONT’D)

It’s going to be interesting to see
who or what kills you first Sheriff.
My money is you putting yourself out
of your own miserable life.

MIKE

If you will excuse me, I have
criminals to catch so you can put
them back on the streets.

BOB

You think these are the bad guys? You are useless.

Bob straightens the photo of Victoria and heads towards the
door. Mike points his finger like he is shooting a pistol
at Bob’s back.

Bob sees Mike’s reflection in the big window next to the
door and whirls about. Like a Rambo/psycho-killer, hands

grasping at a invisible automatic rifle, he sprays imaginary

bullets at Mike.

BOB (CONT’D)
RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT…

Bob takes in an exhilarating breath and blows the smoke off
the imaginary gun.

BOB (CONT’D)

Damn. A real gun must exhilarating.

[Ed Lusk]

Subject: Ed Lusk Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned from doing this assignment is there are many ways to keep the integrity of the original scene in place while using the other structures to rewriting it in more interesting and entertaining ways. Not every structure can be applied to a scene (unless a new scene is created) however, the process by itself creates more opportunities for creativity.

EXT. VATICAN CITY – STREET – PRESENT DAY

SUPER: PALM SUNDAY

CHURCH BELLS ring out across the ancient city. Above the roof tops a faint layer of dust rises up from a commotion in the streets below.

The foot steps of thousands of Christian pilgrims on parade from all over the world.

Voice from across the globe shout out: “HOSANNA!”

Palm branches wave in the sun carried by a group of Cardinals dressed in blood red vestments.

Among the masses, a Spanish boy, eyes as wide as innocence, is tugged along by his exuberant mother.

His inattentiveness drawn to a dark, sinister looking, alley.

His curiosity unhinged by the glimpse of a tall, cloaked figure, nearly seven feet tall, leering from behind a nook.

The figure leans closer revealing a shrouded, pale face, with yellow slits for eyes. The hypnotic glare freezes the boy.

A trickle of urine sourced from under the boys shorts puddles the dust at his feet.

MOTHER tugs him along. He feebly points in the apparition’s direction. His voice muted. In a blink the menacing vision dissolves into thousands of cockroaches down a sewer grate.

MOTHER

(Spanish accent)

Come along child we don’t want to miss a blessed thing.

The two join the others as they pour into the magnificent Saint Peter’s Square.

COMPONENT LIST

Establish the setting of The Vatican on joyous Palm Sunday parade

There is unknown evil lurking in the shadows scares a little boy.

The evil dissipates down a sewer.

Mother is oblivious to the nearby terror

Parade goes on none the wiser – except for the boy

SUPERIOR POSITION

The sunny streets of the Vatican City on Palm Sunday

Evil creature lurks in the shadows watches the parade pass by

Little boy chases after his ball which bounces away into the alley

Boy gets ball at the feet of the evil creature scaring the piss out of him

Creature dissipates down the sewer in pile a roaches

Oblivious Mother tugs the boy away rejoining the parade.

TWIST

The Vatican Palm Sunday Parade in progress

Mother and son , holding hands, joyfully participate

Boy sees something in the shadows of the alley

Boy notices now he is now holding hands with the cloaked creature

Boy wets his pants

Boy looks up into shocked/disappointed face of his mother.

Parade continues on to Saint Peter’s

MISLEAD AND REVEAL

The Vatican Palm Sunday Parade in progress

Mother and son , holding hands, joyfully participate

The boy indicates has to go potty

Mother spies a toilet in the alley

Mother waits outside a beat -parade goes on

Mother calls into the toilet – no answer- she enters

The toilet is dark, pure filth and flies

Mother steps around the corner to stall, cloaked creature wraps her in his bony arms

The two dissipate down the toilet in a tornado of cockroaches.

The parade goes on.

REWRITTEN AS SUPERIOR POSITION

EXT. VATICAN CITY – PRESENT DAY

SUPER: PALM SUNDAY

CHURCH BELLS ring out across the ancient city. Above the roof tops a faint layer of dust rises up from a commotion in the streets below.

Zoom down to an alley, it is a dark, sinister, place beyond the reach of sunlight.

EXT. THE ALLEY

We hear deep, controlled, wheezy breathing. The source of the respiratory rhythm peers out from behind a column.

From its POV a Palm Sunday parade passes by. In the slice of light thousands of Christian pilgrims pass by. The being audibly snorts in disgust.

Voices echo off the alley walls: “HOSANNA!”

Palm branch shadows wave agains the floor. Their source; a group of Cardinals dressed in blood red vestments.

EXT. THE PARADE

Among the masses, a Spanish boy, TOMAS, 10, along side his MOTHER . The boys eyes as wide as innocence, gives his attention to his mini-soccer ball. Tossing it up in the air and catching it until…

…he misses. The ball falls a rolls into the dark alley. The boy hesitates before running into the unfamiliar space. His mother calls out after him.

MOTHER

Tomas!

EXT. THE ALLEY

The ball comes to rest against a pillar. Behind it a black cloak ruffles in the breeze.

Tomas goes to pick up the ball. His relief becomes unhinged by a boney white hand extended from the cloaked being, also reaching for it.

Tomas looks up at a tall human like creature, nearly seven feet tall, leering down at him from behind a nook.

He leans closer revealing a shrouded, pale face, with yellow slits for eyes. The hypnotic glare freezes the boy.

A trickle of urine sourced from under the boys shorts puddles the dust at his feet.

In a blink the menacing creature dissolves into thousands of cockroaches down a sewer grate.

MOTHER tugs the boy back to reality. She eyes the puddle of urine with disappointment. The boy feebly points in the apparition’s direction. His voice on mute.

MOTHER

(Spanish accent)

I said to go before we left, no? Come along Tomas. Ay!

Mother pulls Tomas along back to the parade. He looks over his shoulder back at the empty alley. The wet spot the only evidence of what was.