Lesson 11

[David Thompson]

David Thompson Has Great Dialogue!

What I learned from doing this assignment — dialogue, no matter how good you think your dialog is, there are ways to improve on it.

Five examples follow of what I managed to accomplish.

1. Before: I can’t believe you missed it. The only tree for miles.

After: The only tree for miles, and you managed to miss it.

2. For now, I’m keeping both versions. I need to let this one line simmer a bit before I call it finished.

Before: Your old man was okay with everything until he saw you WASTING the money. He was all ready to go, he was so bored and all he had to look forward to was the nightly hand job from another resident. He really liked that one. She had Parkinson’s.

After: Your old man was perfectly fine with everything until he witnessed you squandering the money. He was all set to leave, feeling utterly bored, with his only source of excitement being the nightly companionship of another resident. He had a special fondness for her, but only because she had Parkinson’s.

3. Before: She had such a high opinion of her cousin. Guys like you will never achieve enlightenment in this life, so…

After: She loved her cousin, she loved you and looked up to you! You were her hero! Well. Guys like you will never achieve enlightenment in this life, so…

4. Before: You said Lanahan can identify the body?

After: You said Dan is on his way? You know he can’t be involved in the investigation.

5. Before: Once the boss deals with the Furies, and with Hades out of the way, we shall attack into Elysian and then move into Hades’ own domain. His messenger reports that the sisters will be weakened soon, and easily defeated.

After: Once the boss deals with the Furies, and with Hades no longer an obstacle, our plan is to launch an assault on Elysian and subsequently infiltrate Hades’ personal realm. According to our messenger, the sisters will soon be weakened, making them vulnerable and easily conquerable.

(On this one, I’m saving multiple versions. One will eventually outshine the others)

[David Wickenden]

David Wickenden Has Great Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment?

There is always room for streamlining dialog for better clarity, mood, and subtext.

· Not much of a change, but the pause seems to be more resigned.

before

GIRL

Damn, Griffin, you ruined my party dress, again.

After

GIRL

Damn, Griffin, you ruined my party dress,… again.

· Reversing the meaning to make it sharper.

before

GRIFFIN

Sorry Doc. Got you killed.

The female soldier smiles.

WOMAN

Just don’t make a habit of it.

After

GRIFFIN

Sorry Doc. Got you killed.

The female soldier smirks.

WOMAN

Again. I’m getting the feeling that you have something against me.

Taylor

Yeah, like he’s jealous he doesn’t have your talents, Doc.

· Added to lighten the mood.

before

JANICE

I’m good. One down. Got the driver covered.

(to the driver)

Both hands on the steering wheel.

After

JANICE

I’m good. Got the driver covered. The other guy skipped out.

(to the driver)

Both hands on the steering wheel.

· rewording

before

WIDOW

You were supposed to help him. You promised he would get better. That the horrible images would fade.

After

WIDOW

You were supposed to help him. You promised he would get better. That he’d have his life back.

· Clarity

before

FATHER GILLES

Welcome to our family. Have you found a home yet, or are you renting?

TEDDY

We just moved in. We were lucky to find a home for sale in an area called the West End.

After

FATHER GILLES

Welcome to our family. Have you found a home yet, or are you renting?

TEDDY

We were lucky to find a home for sale in an area called the West End. We just moved in.