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Lesson 11
Reply to post your assignment.
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15 Replies
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Vincent Saia
Query Letter Draft ONE
1943. The Germans are ravaging Europe and the Japanese are cutting though China and the South Pacific like a knife through melted butter. The free world desperately needs heroes to turn the tied and a most unlikely one emerges. Greg “Pappy” Boyington: Rebel, alcoholic, failed husband, failed marine. After a tumultuous stint with the Flying Tigers (where, among other things, he had an affair with the executive officer’s wife) Boyington pulls himself together, overcomes his personal demons and fights his way back into the Marine Corps. Unable to secure a combat assignment, he forms his own squadron from mostly young untested pilots from the replacement pool. Dubbed the Black Sheep Squadron because of Boyington’s maverick ways, under his leadership they rack up an incredible kill record andbecome the best fighter squadron in the Pacific with Boyington becoming a multiple ace. When he is about to be sent home to accolades, however, Boyington is shot down and sent to a Japanese POW camp where the prisoners are treated brutally. Boyington become a leader in the camp and manages to help keep his fellow POWs alive when the camp is liberated at war’s end.
Query Letter Draft 2
World War II. Germany has been ravaging Europe and Japan has been ravaging China and the South Pacific unchecked. The free world desperately needs heroes to turn the tide and a most unlikely one emerges. This is the incredible true story of Greg “Pappy” Boyington: Maverick, brawler, alcoholic, failed husband, failed marine. After a tumultuous stint with the Flying Tigers (where Boyington lights up the sky, but gets into drunken brawls and sleeps with the executive officer’s wife) Boyington overcomes his personal demons through sheer will power, fights his way back into the Marine Corps and, when he fails to secure a combat assignment, forms his own squadron out of young mostly untested pilots from the replacement pool. Under Boyington’s leadership the “Black Sheep Squadron” (so dubbed because of Boyington’s rebel ways) racks up an incredible kill record and becomes the best squadron in the South Pacific with Boyington earning the admiration of his pilots and the public. Just as Boyington is about to be sent home to accolades, however, he is shot down and captured and must test his mettle against a brutal Japanese POW camp. Boyington becomes a leader in the camp and manages to help keep most of his fellow POWs alive until the camp is liberated at war’s end.
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Hi Vincent. I really like your 2nd draft. I agree with using World War II instead of 1945 to begin with even though we may assume it is WWII, there will be no stopping to wonder. And I like how you added that it is a true story. For some reason that sparked my interest even more. I’m curious about how the rest of your query letter outline would look like with items such as the title, genre, your bio and contact information.
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Elizabeth Cochrell revised Query Letter for Critique Draft 1:
Dear Producer,
Would you be worried if your teenage stepdaughter ran away to be with her real mother who is a hot-headed stripper MMA fighter? Life changes for all involved when the stripper’s long-lost teenage daughter shows up at her house and wants to hide out from the rich and twisted stepparents.
MOTHER LOVE – Synopsis
Although Michelle’s pole dance performance is an ethereal delight, her hatred for being thought of as a prostitute is the source of anger that fuels her MMA fighting. Her daughter Rebecca, miserable from the stress of a corrupt Mayor for a stepfather and a jealous stepmother who constantly berates her, runs away hoping for a better life to be with her real mother Michelle in San Diego.
Rebecca is momentarily afraid of Michelle but learns she is more like a fun friend, and they do yoga, dancing and self-defense classes together. Michelle even allows Rebecca to adopt an amazing Pit Bull named Pitty and lets her start dog-sitting in her backyard. As Michelle trains for the high-paying MMA event and becomes happier with motherhood, Rebecca screws up so they fight and then they make up.
But stepmom Emily kidnaps Rebecca back to Beverly Hills and tricks them both to think they don’t want to be together. Then the truth comes out that Mayor Frank raped Michelle when she was 14 yrs old and Rebecca is really his daughter. There’s a final showdown between Michelle, Rebecca and the stepparents and by the end, biological mother and daughter have grown into happier people.
BIO
Writer Elizabeth Cochrell aka Christine Dupree is also an ex-Penthouse Centerfold and author of a self-help book for couples called Hot Romantic Escapades for Lovers… http://www.hotromanticescapades.com. She now writes scripts with inspiration from a single parent childhood and her careers in Hollywood as an aspiring actress, stripper, and professional female boxer.
Thanks and let me know if you would like to read the script!
Elizabeth Cochrell
310-503-9583
http://www.hotromanticescapades.com
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Elizabeth Cochrell.
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Elizabeth, I like the outline of your letter. It gets right to the question immediately. I remember Hal saying we only have 10 seconds to spark their interest. I’m realizing my outline wastes too much time with formalities up front. I posted my first draft so I can get some real serious feedback. Please give me any suggestions you have. Thank you!
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by
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H. Vince’s Query Letter Draft ONE
Power Players – 2023
Lesson 11: Exchange Critiques On Your Pitches
What I learned from doing this assignment is…
I need some feedback to see how others receive this.
QUERY LETTER FORM:
Date:
Name
Address
Hello <enter name, organization or department>,
My name is H. Vince and I am a woman with a business degree that has worked in the business world for decades. I got paid by an author to do dictation for her book when I was in college. I also used to write entertainment columns for an online publication. I am interested in presenting a script that will be profitable for everyone involved.
I have written a Psychological Thriller called MENTAL.
It answers the question: What happens when Allie’s boss dangled that final pay day carrot so much it’s getting harder to see the end?
SYNOPSIS:
Instead of a closed-door physical office relationship imagine a mind altering one. What if you’re stuck in a white walled room day after day in a brown dreary building with someone that claims he has severe depression and that someone is your boss. You’ve tried to escape in the past, but his saying of just wait until the finish line and I’ll make it worth your while is making you hold on. Every day his cyclic venting is chipping away at your own sanity. Are things really happening as you think? That possible pay day light at the end is becoming foggier for Allie. There’s major turnover happening. The staff doesn’t respect the boss either and prove it with a humiliating April Fool’s Joke. After being told she is delusional and Allie finds a way out, she ends up causing a major traffic accident bringing more people down with her than her boss did.
If this concept interests you, I’d be happy to send you the script. Please see my contact information below. Thank you for your time and consideration.
H. Vince
<phone number>
<email address>
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Mothe Love Synopsis 2nd Draft
Dear Producer,
I respectfully invite you to come enjoy the enlightening experience of a precocious teen and her mother spiraling through an emotional roller coaster ride from sadness and uncertainty to purpose and belonging when the teen escapes from rich twisted stepparents to be with her real mother who turns out to be an angry stripper MMA fighter.
MOTHER LOVE – Synopsis
Michelle, a gorgeous stripper has just finished a sizzling pole dance performance, but when the bar patron approaches and tries to treat her like a prostitute, she loses it and beats him and his bodyguards to a bloody pulp. Then when her lost daughter Rebecca, miserable from the stress of her stepfather’s political corruption and jealous stepmother’s constant berating, shows up on her doorstep next day, Michelle suddenly yearns for a better life.
Rebecca is momentarily afraid of Michelle but gradually learns she is more like a fun friend, and they do yoga, dancing and self-defense classes together. Michelle even allows Rebecca to adopt an amazing Pit Bull named Pitty and lets her start dog-sitting in her backyard. As Michelle trains for the high-paying MMA event and becomes happier with motherhood, Rebecca screws up so they fight and then they make up.
But stepmom Emily kidnaps Rebecca back to Beverly Hills and tricks them both to think they don’t want to be together. Then the truth comes out that Mayor Frank raped Michelle when she was 14 yrs old and Rebecca is really his daughter. There’s a final showdown between Michelle, Rebecca and the stepparents and by the end, biological mother and daughter have grown into happier people.
BIO
Writer Elizabeth Cochrell aka Christine Dupree is also an ex-Penthouse Centerfold and author of a self-help book for couples called Hot Romantic Escapades for Lovers… http://www.hotromanticescapades.com. She now writes scripts with inspiration from a single parent childhood and her careers in Hollywood as an aspiring actress, stripper, and professional female boxer.
Thanks and let me know if you would like to read the script!
Elizabeth Cochrell
310-503-9583
http://www.hotromanticescapades.com
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Dear H Vince,
Thanks for your comments, I love your story and what I would do differently is instead of doing your bio first, just go straight into the hook question because it’s so compelling:
Dear Producer,
Hi my name is H. Vance and I have a question for you. What if you were stuck in a white-walled room day after day in a brown dreary building with someone that claims he has severe depression and that someone is your boss?
Well as an employee in the business world for decades I have spilled my guts in a feature called MENTAL that shows what happens when Allie’s boss dangles that final payday carrot so attractively that it becomes almost impossible for her to escape and she starts to have disturbing hallucinations.
SYNOPSIS:
Instead of a closed-door physical office relationship imagine a mind-altering one and you’ve tried to escape in the past, but he says “Just wait until the finish line and I’ll make it worth your while.” So you keep holding on and on.
Every day his cyclic venting chips away at your own sanity. Are things really happening as you think? The possible payday light at the end of the tunnel becomes even further and foggier for Allie. Then a major turnover happens where the staff doesn’t even respect the boss anymore and they prove it with a humiliating April Fool’s Joke.
Finally, after being told she is delusional but finds a way out anyway, Allie ends up causing a major traffic accident bringing more people down with her than her boss ever did.
BIO:
I am a woman with a business degree and years of experience in the ups and downs of corporate politics. I also wrote entertainment columns for an online publication called ____________.
If this concept interests you, I’d be happy to send you the script. Please see my contact information below. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dear H., Thanks for letting me practice, hope it helps your next draft…xo Elizabeth:)
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Elizabeth, I’m not even joking when I say I need to hire you as my marketing person!
Thank you so much for this rewrite.
– H Vince.
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Roger Stone’s QUERY LETTER (DRAFT ONE)
What I learned is how to write a query letter with HOOKS AND WHITE SPACE.
OPENING HOOK:
Sometimes it takes the alien next door to save your world.
SYNOPSIS:
My Young Adult novel, titled SPACEMAN AND THE FREAKSHOW: The Power of Zap, is set in Bishop, California, in 2008, Leap Year. Just turning fourteen, Robi (not Robin which she hates), decides she’s old enough to stop being a wimp. Spaceman is her Hispanic new neighbor, a Special Needs, 16 year old boy, who’s moved there to search for his missing daddy– a UFO pilot that got shot down by the Army.
When the school bully threatens Spaceman, Robi stands up for him, and causes the bully to unexplainably disappear.
Since the bully’s father is the county sheriff and biased against Robi over a prior incident, he pins his son’s sudden disappearance on her. Robi suspects Spaceman could be an alien with special powers.
Fearing arrest, Robi goes on the run taking Spaceman with her. It leads them to following an Army truck carrying his daddy’s UFO, escaping alien bots, and reconnecting with her own dad and most importantly learning she was adopted.
But it’s not Robi the sheriff is after—it’s Spaceman. The sheriff is notorious for arresting foreigners then “renting” them to businesses such as the Cattle Ranch, a rarely-used Army Outpost near town. The Colonel, the soon-to-be-retired commander of the base, has been holding Spaceman’s missing daddy captive and can now use Spaceman to force his daddy into weaponizing his UFO.
The Colonel plans on destroying a transport filled with aliens escaping their plague-ridden Dimension, in a delusional effort to be promoted and named Commander of the Army Space Force.
In the end, Spaceman and his daddy are saved when an earthquake hits and results in the Colonel and the sheriff unexplainably disappearing. We think Spaceman did it, but in a final twist, we realize it’s Robi. She’s stopped thinking of herself as a wimp and blocking out who she really is— a half-alien, half-human with the Power of Zap.
REQUEST:
Spaceman and The Freakshow is an expanded version of my published short story with the same title. I believe it could easily be adapted into a coming-of-age feature screenplay, which I would love to write.
MY BIO:
I’m Roger Stone and an optioned and produced screenwriter.
CONTACT INFORMATION:
(818)601-4586
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Query Letter to Managers:
Down to Heaven is a romantic comedy feature film screenplay that dabbles in the supernatural. Annabelle, a guardian angel who struggles with the detachment her role demands, finds herself falling in love with her charge, Charlie. When his bride dies moments before the wedding, she hops into her body and takes her place. The bride’s ghost is desperate to evict Annabelle from her body, and enlists the help of the demonic realm to accomplish her task.
Now stuck on Earth, and faced with the awful truth that she is falling deeper in love with Charlie, Annabelle must fight off ghosts and demons all the while trying to protect Charlie from the consequences of her actions. Will she choose the right path, or make a mistake that could cost them both their lives? With ample wit, charm, and heart, Down to Heaven takes us into a world of angels and demons and shows us that love really can be found in unexpected places. In the end, Down to Heaven brings an angel down to earth to find heaven with the man she loves; and brings heaven to the earthbound man who falls in love with an angel.
BIO: I am an optioned screenwriter as well as a novelist. I adapted my novel, Lies and Lust in the Tudor Court: The Fifth Wife of Henry VIII into a screenplay which placed in the top 5% in the Nicholl Screenwriting Fellowship. My screenplay Portuguese Love Letters, based on the true story of an 18th century nun who fell in love with a French officer, was optioned by a British filmmaker. I am currently working on a rewrite of a screenplay based on my novel Infinite Darkness/Infinite Light, and a screenplay adapted from my books Merlin’s War and The Book of Merlin.
I thank you for your consideration and would happy to send you a copy of Down to Heaven, or any other of my completed scripts should you request it.
Margaret Doner
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Shall we critique each other’s query letters, Margaret?
I’m Roger Stone.
1. I don’t write in this genre, but you have an interesting first line. Heaven Can Wait is a fave.
2. Interesting character? Yes.
3. Yes, although I had to read it several times to understand where the story is going.
4. Ending hook? It’s kind of what is expected.
5. Any parts confusing? See #3
6. Suggestions? Make the ending a surprise.
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Roger: Sorry to take so long. I am a bit overwhelmed with work and personal matters at the moment. Reading your query my instinct is that it could be simplified so that it is more of a “hook” and less of an explanation of the script, since Hal keeps saying that they don’t want details of the script but want to be hooked by a few sentences. Perhaps go back to your elevator pitch and combine that simple version with your current query letter. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavors!
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Roger Stone’s QUERY LETTER (DRAFT TWO)
What I learned is how to write a query letter with HOOKS AND WHITE SPACE.
OPENING HOOK:
Sometimes it takes the alien next door to save your world.
SYNOPSIS:
My Young Adult novel, titled SPACEMAN AND THE FREAKSHOW: The Power of Zap, is set in Bishop, California, in 2008. Just turning fourteen, Robi (not Robin which she hates), decides it’s time to start standing up for herself. Spaceman is her Hispanic new neighbor, a Special Needs, 16 year old boy, who’s moved there to search for his missing dad– a UFO pilot that got shot down by the Army.
When the school bully threatens Spaceman, Robi stands up for him and causes the bully to unexplainably disappear.
The racist county sheriff – the bully’s father – pins his son’s sudden disappearance on her and Spaceman forcing them to go on the run.
In the end, the Sheriff and his partner – a delusional Army Colonel who’s behind everything – unexplainably disappear thanks to Robi and her new-found confidence.
REQUEST:
Spaceman and The Freakshow is an expanded version of my published short story with the same title. I believe it could easily be adapted into a coming-of-age feature screenplay, which I would love to write.
MY BIO:
I’m Roger Stone and an optioned and produced screenwriter.
CONTACT INFORMATION:
(818)601-4586
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Dear Roger: Great !!
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Dear Roger: Great revision.
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