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Lesson 11
Reply to post your assignment.
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43 Replies
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ROBERT R. SMITH’s QUERY LETTER DRAFT ONE.
WHAT I LEARNED DOING THIS LESSON:
Important to keep it brief and with many hooks.
The Query Letter:
Dear Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss:
GENRE: LEGAL THRILLER
TITLE: “The Plaintiff.”
PICTURE: “The Accused” meets “The People vs. Larry Flynt.”
Her death is unsolved. Was it suicide or murder by her abusive Russian Mobster boyfriend?
Her life was a quest for an acting career as a new “It girl,” but she chose a career path of stripper to centerfold until coerced into explicit sex in a film project by her mob-connected skin magazine-mogul boss.
She then files a landmark sexual harassment lawsuit against her boss and wins which catapults her into a new role as advocate for women’s rights and workplace justice which ended with her unsolved death.
BIO: I am a playwright whose gangster-comedy “Angels in Gangland” (performed as a recorded Zoom Production) won the award of “Best Full Length Feature Film” in the Cecil County Independent Film Festival.
If you like my concept, I’d be happy to send you a script of “The Plaintiff.”
Best Always,
Robert Russell Smith “Bob”
35 Spruance Court
Elkton, MD 21921
Phone: ***-***-****
Email: RobertRSmith4646@comcast.net
The Query Letter Draft 2
Dear Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss:
GENRE: LEGAL THRILLER
TITLE: “Beach Girl of the Year.”
PICTURE: “The Accused” meets “The People vs. Larry Flynt.”
Brandy Crofton’s death is unsolved. Was it suicide or murder by her abusive Russian Mobster boyfriend who was found shot to death by Brandy’s teenage daughter?
Her life was a quest for an acting career as a new “It girl,” but she chose a career path of stripper to centerfold until coerced into explicit sex in a film project by her mob-connected skin magazine-mogul boss.
She then files a landmark sexual harassment lawsuit against her boss and wins against her boss’s ‘blame the victim’ defense which catapults Brandy into a new role as advocate for women’s rights and workplace justice which ended with her unsolved death.
At the inquest, her death is ruled murder by her boyfriend by aconitine poisoning and her daughter’s shooting of her mobster boyfriend is ruled a justifiable homicide because the abusive boyfriend had threatened to kill both Brandy and her daughter.
BIO: I am a playwright whose gangster-comedy “Angels in Gangland” (performed as a recorded Zoom Production) won the award of “Best Full Length Feature Film” in the Cecil County Independent Film Festival.
If you like my concept, I’d be happy to send you a script of “The Plaintiff.”
Best Always,
Robert Russell Smith “Bob”
35 Spruance Court
Elkton, MD 21921
Phone: ***-***-****
Email: RobertRSmith4646@comcast.net
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Robert Smith.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Robert Smith.
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Hi Robert,
I like your concept. And your query letter definitely stirs interest.
I am curious, why do you call yourself a playwright when you wrote an award winning film?
Since your query letter is nice and short, I present it with a couple changes to consider. Hope some of it helps!
IMAGINE: “The Accused” meets “The People vs. Larry Flynt.”
To this day, who killed her remains a mystery. Was it suicide? Or murder by her abusive Russian, mob-connected, skin magazine-mogul boss?
Her quest was for an acting career as a new “It girl,” but her career path went from stripper to centerfold and finally to performing in an explicit sex film project by her boss.
She then files a landmark sexual harassment lawsuit against her boss and she wins. This catapults her into a new role as advocate for women’s rights and workplace justice.
In the end, her life ends under suspicious circumstances.
BIO: I am a playwright whose gangster-comedy “Angels in Gangland” (performed as a recorded Zoom Production) won the award of “Best Full Length Feature Film” in the Cecil County Independent Film Festival.
If you like my concept, I’d be happy to send you a copy of “The Plaintiff.”
John Chabot
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Hi, John!
Thank you for your supportive and kind words and suggestions. I call myself a playwright because “Angels and Gangland” was a stage play recorded on Zoom, not a screenplay although I am writing a screenplay adaptation. It’s my first full length stage play and screenplay. So, playwright is what I chose to call myself, until I get the screenplay completed. (I hope that answers your question and makes sense.)I’ll get back to you later. “Angels” has a performance in two days and I’m running around with ‘stuff’ to do. Thanks for your patience.
Robert R. Smith “Bob”
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Hi Robert,
It’s interesting- just a point of clarification- is this a true story or a work of fiction?
If true, it would be interesting to understand the ‘landmark’ part of the lawsuit when the casting couch remained alive and well until the Weinstein era, and arguably still exists.
If it’s a work of fiction, I’d address why if it was a landmark case, why it clearly still goes on.
Lol, just a woman’s perspective.
Otherwise, well written query!
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Thank you, Christi. I very much appreciate your perspective and questions. Yes, even in the Weinstein era the sexual crimes continue. That I will address in the post-litigation role of Brandy (the protagonist’s name) in her new role as advocate for Women’s Rights and Workplace Justice, because the hostile environments persist. Thanks for the suggestion.
My story is inspired by actual events that occurred over a period of time in different situations involving different persons. The landmark decision is fiction although it is inspired by rulings against blaming the victim.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Robert Smith.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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Thank you so much, Christi. I appreciate your valuable perspective, encouragement, kind words, and suggestions.
Sorry I am getting back to you so late. I have abandoned this project. It just didn’t seem to fit the bill as a thriller but more of a drama with thriller elements that Hal warned us against. My new project is “The Golem in Gangland.” A gangster-horror genre. A golem is a Frankenstein-like monster that is obedient to command but grows in size and strength until it destroys and its master becomes its slave. However, I realized I wasn’t incorporating enough thriller elements and had to rewrite the Thriller Map. It’s taken weeks. I got behiind already when I came down with Covid the effects of which continued even after I tested negative and was in the clear of Covid. So I fell way behind.
Many thanks for reaching out.
Robert “Bob”
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Hi, Christi.
This is Robert Smith, for a number of personal reasons I have fallen behind. Way behind. I just submitted the second version of my Thriller Map on Day 15 and would lile to ask you for your feedback. I’ll be glad to do the same with yours. I scrapped the project you were commenting on. I have what is a crime thriller with a supernatural twist.
Would you like to do this?
Thank you for all the feedback you have provided to my other project which at some point i may resume.
Best Always,
Robert Smith
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Hi Robert, Just FYI, I plan to comment on your assingnment and post mine this coming weekend–have gotten behind in assignments 11 & 12, but plan to complete them. Thanks, Jane
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Thank you, Jane. I am also behind schedule. There was a last week of rehearsals and the performances of a play I wrote (“Angels in Gangland”), so I am also behind in a couple of assignments.
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Congratulations on your play production, Robert! “Angels in Gangland” is an excellent title–I’m intrigued. Glad that you’re still checking in on this thread as well. I may not get to my comments til Monday.
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Robert,
Thank you for the clarification! You may want to add a note that although these stories are compiled from different women, the lead character is a fictionalized compilation.
It would also be great to have a finer point on what the landmark ruling did for women in the workplace.
It reads now like a story saying world peace has been achieved yet there are still wars happening all around us.
If you could put a finer point on the previous world pre- litigation then drive home the change.
Otherwise, can’t wait til you find a Producer/Manager!
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Appreciate your support and suggestions. They are good.
How’s this as the landmark decision against the defense position that Brandy “knew what she was getting into” when she agreed to be a nude model for centerfolds such as “Beach Girl of the Month” and then “Beach Girl of the Year.” She knew that she was getting into when she started working for Beach House magazine, a sexually charged men’s magazine and work environment and therefore she brought on the harassment. The ruling against this defense position is that even though Brandy was a nude model working in a sex-charged studio of a skin magazine, does not mean she was ‘fair game’ for sexual harassment or that she brought on the harassment and coercion to do a porn film. Her no meant no.
Just got an idea: As we have seen so often in cases like this, other women come forward with the same experience as Brandy.
This would be controversial and I’d appreciate you thoughts: That with other models for centerfolds coming forward with their stories of harassment and coercion, the workplace justice category also extends to workplace justice for sex workers, which includes, strippers, models, etc. (There is such a movement.) Your thoughts are appreciated.
I appreciate your suggestion, but I feel uncomfortable adding to a Query Letter such details about how I crafted the character of Brandy and the story. I feel it’s unnecessary unless the producer asks afterward.
Yes, thank you for your hope that you will see me sell the script to a manager/producer. Your support means a great deal to me.
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Many thanks for your important suggestions. If I resume this project I’ll keep what you say in mind. Right now, as I’ve stated elsewhere, I have taken up a new, and I believe, more ‘thriller’ concept.
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Thank you, Jane. I am still working on the screenplay adaptation of my stage play “Angels in Gangland.”
It is the story of a slain gangster who can’t get into heaven unless he returns to gangland to haunt and convince his killer to do as he should have done, quit the mob, flip, and join the Witness Protection Program. PICTURE: “The Sopranos” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
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Hi Robert,
Just so you know, you say stripper in a query, you’ve broken the 50k ceiling. Weird that he didn’t say it in class but if your script is over 5 K to make, that’s usually an automatic 6 figure deal. Usually starting at 130k.
Also, there are people in the world who say they’re writers and haven’t written Jack. Only 5% of people who say they’re writers have actually done something. So, remember, you’re special!
I’m sorry but I don’t see anything that would be controversial. Here are some examples: in the 80s, sex workers battled to be able to wear condoms. This was a massive deal since they thought testing once a month was enough. Remember AIDs? Yeah, controversial.
Another controversial lawsuit was Johnny Halloween suing luc besson over a movie that clearly looked nothing like his. He had to go to France for a judge to take him seriously. That was CLEARLY about something else.
I know you don’t want to give broad strokes but if you don’t, here’s what will happen: either someone will buy the concept for a few pennies and give it to another writer who will make millions or ask you for the beats. Better to give broad strokes now as that’s still hard to recreate than to give out the beats. Even if they ask for the beats, the film industry is a global industry but also a small town. Talented people know each other and they learn to avoid the hacks.
Hope that helps!
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Sorry, I meant if it’s 5M to make, as in million. Producers know this so always try to cheap down the budget. Everything’s cheaper when you can get the writer for peanuts.
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I like to learn more from you about all of this.
I don’t follow what you mean by giving away beats? and it can lose me my screenplay.
Appreciate your words about the film hitting 50k. Are you saying go for it or dial it back to below 15k?
If you like, please contact me at RobertRSmith4646@comcast.net. or 443-674-8659.
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First things first- is this a completed feature? Have you written the story with a beginning, middle and end? The story you’re telling seems to flounder in the description.
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Thank you, Christi. This is not a completed feature. Only notes and an outline at this point. I am open to suggestions on how to tighten it up with a more definitive beginning, middle, and end.
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Ah, that explains it then. You can’t sell something that doesn’t exist. I’d recommend writing it- for a feature it should be 85- 110 pages. Any more and it shows you don’t have discipline. Any less and it’s not a feature.
Nothing anyone can tell you means anything until you have a completed feature.
Don’t be down on yourself, if you can’t write, you can always hire someone else to do it. As long as you have money to pay them and are willing to share credit.
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Thank you, Christi. This script is mine. I know I can write it, I just wrote a stage play (“Angels in Gangland”) the recording of which ended up the winner of Best Feature Film at a local film festival. Just had a staged reading of it which was well-received.
I appreciate all your thoughts and support.
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Ha! Super concept and description of your show, Robert! Hope the opening went great–and you can turn this one into a screenplay.
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Hi Robert,
I know it’s late in the class to give you my feedback, but hope you’re still checking in on this forum.
GENRE: LEGAL THRILLER
TITLE: “Beach Girl of the Year.”
My Note: I like the title and think it encompasses more of the story than “The Plaintiff” or “The Complaintant.” I might still consider the title, “Bubble Gum Pink,” especially if you end up making story more about Brandy Crofton and less about the legal case. I happen to like the angle that no one who would call herself, “Bubble Gum” would have it in her to file a landmark lawsuit and become an advocate for women. I’m unlcear about the era or decade this film is set in. I think your query should indicate that.
PICTURE: “The Accused” meets “The People vs. Larry Flynt.”
Brandy Crofton’s death is unsolved. Was it suicide or murder by her abusive Russian Mobster boyfriend who was found shot to death by Brandy’s teenage daughter?
My note: I personally don’t think that Brandy’s unsolved death is the most interesting thing about her story, so I wouldn’t lead with this hook. If you haven’t yet written the script, I also might consider making her death and even the lawsuit less important–especially if most of this is fiction.
Her life was a quest for an acting career as a new “It girl,” but she chose a career path of stripper to centerfold until coerced into explicit sex in a film project by her mob-connected skin magazine-mogul boss.
My note: I like this (above) sentence better as your opening hook. Here’s my stab at a query rewrite:
Brandy Crofton preferred the name “Bubble Gum Pink” as she pursued her dream to become the next ’60s era “It Girl.” But the lure of fame led her from stripper to centerfold to acting in a porn flick–which blackballed her in Hollywood.
No shrinking violet, however, Brandy turns the tables on the mobster skin-magazine mogul who coerced her down this lurid path. After winning a landmark sexual harrassment lawsuit against him, she’s catapulted into the role of her life: advocate for women’s rights and workplace justice.
But the dark connections Brandy’s made aren’t so easily shaken. Though she’s now on the path to help others, will she be able to save herself?
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Just some thoughts, Robert. Your overall idea interests me. All best with this script!
Jane
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Jane:
Hi, I have been away from the class and forum but greatly appreciate your insights and suggestions. I have started another project because I was not satisfied with Beach Girl as a thriller. I have started work on “The Golem in Gangland.” A golem being a Frankenstein-like monster of clay out of Jewish legends. I realized that was more of a Gangster-Horror genre but I have laden it with features of a thriller so I think it fills the bill.
Many thanks, Jane.
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Hi, Jane!
I am way behind because of some personal things that have come up. i just posted my Thriller Map 1 on Day 15 and was writing to ask you to read it and give feedback. I’ll do the same for you. I apologize for not replying to your messages. That’s how far behind I am. To catch up on assignments I have been negligent and remiss in the correspondence department.
Robert Smith
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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John Chabot’s Query Letter Draft One
Title: JESTER
Written by John Chabot
Genre: Dark Comedy
Great news! You’ve been invited to the castle. Bad news? It’s not for the court jester job like you thought. Instead, you are injected with a wizard’s sperm and told to go impregnate an enemy princess.
Why did the wizard choose you? The enemy princess saw your stand up comedy routine and casually remarked, “Every woman wants a man who can make her laugh.”
What’s at stake? Your life. Your parents’ lives.
What stands in your way? A heartthrob rock musician. And two wizards in cahoots.
How do things go? After getting this close (i i), you’re sentenced to hang in the morning.
In prison, you meet your kingdom’s princess, who everyone thought was dead. Besides giving you a handjob to relieve the wizard’s burden, she knights you before you go to the gallows.
Fortunately, you’re saved from the noose. Unfortunately, it’s by the other wizard. He hypnotizes you and sends you to kill your king. Fortunately, the plot is foiled. Unfortunately, the enemy princess wants you back, which means another injection!
After “discharging” the wizard’s spell you scream, “Screw the man! I’m gonna save my princess!” Then you kick ass, and then you kick more ass with your princess kicking ass by your side.
And you live happily ever after as king, with a beautiful queen and your own comedy club!
Though set in Medieval times, the humor in Jester plays on modern concerns. Jester received a Recommend from extremescreenwriting.com and a Consider from Coverage Ink.
If you would like to read Jester, I would be happy to send you a copy. Thank you.
BIO: Besides thinking I am funny (I get in a lot of debates!), I like to write screenplays with a comedian as the protagonist. Jester is the third.
John Chabot
(905) 937-5479
70 Allan Dr.
St. Catharines, ON, L2N 1E9
Canada
screenwritingclasses.com
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Hi, John!
It was Dress Rehearsal and Opening Night for a staged reading of my play “Angels in Gangland” as I am still. (Tonight we open.) I am intrigued by extreme screenwriting.com. What is “recommend from coverage”? I am new in this so I am unfamiliar with certain terms.
Glad you got your recommends.
In bold print I have added some suggestions on rewording and recrafting the story.
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John Chabot
Hi, John!
I realize that most of my feedback would lengthen the QL. Of course you are the judge of what to do but if something more could be briefly be said about each subject I cite, it might aid the appeal to a reader..
You have an intriguing story. A wild crazy story. Good! Injecting a comedy club in Medieval times. Alternate title: “Game of Groans” or “When You Die at the Castle You Really Die.” (Although something like that is a Mel Brooks line from History of the World Part 1 It’s about Caesar’s Palace: “When you die at the Palace you really die.”
Just an idea: Vall the comedy club The Castle, the Catacomb, the Joke Dungeon.
I’d like to read the script.
ABOUT THE CRITERIA FOR CRITIQUES.
1. The opening hook the Court Jester Good News/Bad News. Good hook.
2. The Jester is an interesting character.
3. QL flows nicely.
4. A kingdom, a Princess, and a comedy club is a good impossible goal hook.
5. See my comments.
6. Suggestions: See below.
Good Luck, John.
Bob
Robert R. Smith.
John Chabot’s Query Letter Draft One
Title: JESTER (SUGGESTION: ALTERNATE TITLE “Game of Groans”
Written by John Chabot
Genre: Dark Comedy
Great news! You’ve been invited to the castle. Bad news? It’s not for the court jester job like you thought. Instead, you are injected with a wizard’s sperm and told to go impregnate an enemy princess.
Why did the wizard choose you? The enemy princess saw your stand up comedy routine and casually remarked, “Every woman wants a man who can make her laugh.”
What’s at stake? Your life. Your parents’ lives.
What stands in your way? A heartthrob rock musician. (SUGGESTION: FLESH OUT BRIEFLY HOW THIS CHARACTER STANDS IN HIS WAY”) And two wizards in cahoots.
How do things go? After getting this close (i i), you’re sentenced to hang in the morning. SUGGEST MORE BRIEF EXPLANATION ABOUT WHY? WHAT FOR?
In prison, you meet your kingdom’s princess, who everyone thought was dead. (SUGGESTION: CLARIFY Is this the enemy Princess he’s supposed to impregnate? _Besides giving you a handjob to relieve the wizard’s burden she knights you before you go to the gallows. SUGGESTION: CLARIFY: IF KNIGHTED, WHY DOES HE GO TO GALLOWS? WHY KNIGHTED IF HE IS CONDEMNED?
Fortunately, you’re saved from the noose (SUGGESTION: Explain briefly by why.) Unfortunately, it’s by the other wizard. He hypnotizes you and sends you to kill your king. (SUGGEST YOU CONSIDER A CRAZY, FUNNY MAGIC SPELL HERE MIGHT ENHANCE THIS.)Fortunately, the plot is foiled. Unfortunately, the enemy princess wants you back, which means another injection!
After “discharging” the wizard’s spell you scream, “Screw the man! I’m gonna save my princess!” Then you kick ass, and then you kick more ass with your princess kicking ass by your side.
And you live happily ever after as king, with a beautiful queen and your own comedy club, (Idea: how about his own sit-com on one of those rickety traveling medieval stages!
Though set in Medieval times, the humor in Jester plays on modern concerns and modern conventions, E.G., a comedy club set in Medieval times. Jester received a Recommend from extremescreenwriting.com and a Consider from Coverage Ink.
(CONGRATULATIONS ON THIS, JOHN.
If you would like to read Jester, I would be happy to send you a copy. Thank you.
I ‘d like to read the script.
BIO: Besides thinking I am funny (I get in a lot of debates!) (Don’t denigrate yourself, that you think you’re funny. YOU ARE FUNNY.), I like to write screenplays with a comedian as the protagonist. Jester is the third. (It’s a good subject.)
GOOD LUCK JOHN. I think you have something good here
John Chabot
(905) 937-5479
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Robert Smith.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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Hi John, Just FYI, I plan to comment on your assingnment and post mine this coming weekend–have gotten behind in assignments 11 & 12, but plan to complete them. Thanks, Jane
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Hi John,
I do love the way the Query letter is written, very much highlighting the whimsical, farcical nature of the feature.
I would just recommend being a bit less clinical with your descriptors. Inject, Sperm and Impregnate were three very clinical words in the opening sentence. Maybe there are ways you can say it without saying it? Storks untimely delivery etc? If you want lewd language, Shakespeare was downright obscene in many of his plays. May want to mine that for info.
Also, Hal mentioned that if you don’t have any accolades yet, omit the Bio line. I’d do that in this case.
Just my take! I wish you well. 🙂
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Hi John,
Not sure if you’re checking in on this forum any more. One thing I especially love in your story is that the Jester ends up opening a comedy club. Hilarious concept. Overall, I’m intrigued by your story. I do agree with Christi about the clinical language and reducing it, particularly for marketing. Sperm, injecting and impregnating sound too raw to me.
Jane
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Isti Madarasz’s Query Letter Draft ONE
Title: KONTRAKT
Written by: Isti Madarász based on the award winning Hungarian novel
Genre: sci-fi drama
Imagine a world where everything is controlled by treaties, literally EVERYTHING – even the very laws of nature can be rewritten.
Simon, one of the most powerful contractors ever lived, with his 8 year old daughter arrives in a country under military occupation, where he is about to make the most influential contract ever made, one that will literally cripple the people who live there.
And while he has all the power in the world, when riots break out across the country and and his daughter is seriously injured in the chaos, he must break every contract he has ever made and face the fact that only his most dangerous enemy can help him.
BIO: For both of his feature films (Loop, 2016 and Halfway Home, 2022) Isti has won the Silver Mélies-award for Best European Sci-Fi Film and directed one of Hungary’s biggest-budget TV series.
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Hi Isti, Just FYI, I plan to comment on your assingnment and post mine this coming weekend–have gotten behind in assignments 11 & 12, but plan to complete them. Thanks, Jane
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Hi Isti,
You have an intriguing concept, and good hook in that your story is based on a popular Hungarian novel
Here are my notes/edit suggestions:
Imagine a world where everything is controlled by committee–even the very laws of nature can be rewritten.
Note: the word “treaties” killed the excitement for me, as it made the concept too remote. I chose the word “committee” because it suggests a group of people getting together to hash out new rules/laws–and the human part of the process before the treaties are signed. I think we can all relate to the horror of comittees ruling every aspect of our lives.
Simon–one of the most powerful contractors ever lived, with his 8 year old daughter arrives in a country under military occupation, where he is about to make the most influential contract ever made, one that will literally cripple the people who live there.
Notes: I don’t know what you mean by Simon being “one of the most powerful contractors.” I’m only familiar with a contractor being someone who does labor construction jobs. If that’s not what you mean, I think you’ll need a more precise description of what he does. Also, “most powerful” is unclear. Do you mean most successful of all time?
My guess at a rewrite is this:
Simon–one of the world’s top contract negotiators–ruthlessly proposes a deal that will leave an entire country’s population crippled.
Note: by “crippled” do you mean that individuals will be unable to walk or do you mean that Simon’s contract will “cripple” the country in some undefined way? I would say exactly what the contract will do.
And while he has all the power in the world, when riots break out across the country and his daughter is seriously injured in the chaos, he must break every contract he has ever made and face the fact that only his most dangerous enemy can help him.
Note: I’d rewrite something like, “However, when Simon’s daughter is severly injured in the country’s ensuing riots. he wakes up to the horror of his ways. With the new law unleashed, he realizes that only his most dangerous enemy can help him turn back time.
BIO: For both of his feature films (Loop, 2016 and Halfway Home, 2022) Isti has won the Silver Mélies-award for Best European Sci-Fi Film and directed one of Hungary’s biggest-budget TV series.
Excellent bio! Congrats.
Given my understanding of the query, I also might consider cutting it down to your best hooks:
Imagine a world where everything is controlled by committee–even the laws of nature can be rewritten.
When a top contract negotiator’s daughter is gravely injured in a riot he sparked, he must enlist a dangerous enemy to help him turn back time.
The screenplay is adabpted from the bestselling Hungarian novel, “Kontrakt.”
BIO: For both of his feature films (Loop, 2016 and Halfway Home, 2022) Isti has won the Silver Mélies-award for Best European Sci-Fi Film and directed one of Hungary’s biggest-budget TV series.
I’m not suggesting you use my exact words, Itsi, but just giving you my take.
Thanks,
Jane
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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Hi Isti,
I love the story and your Bio is strong. The first sentence is great but the next two are a bit clunky. I think you mentioned English isn’t your primary language so I took a stab at the secondary sentences. I hope that’s okay. Feel free to play around with them further of course.
For the script, it sounds very engaging!
Edit ideas:
Simon and his 8 year old daughter arrive in (Countries name) under military occupation, where he’s about to draft the most influential and crippling contract ever made.
When riots break out across the country and and his daughter is seriously injured in the chaos, he must break every contract he’s ever made but the only one with the power to help is his most dangerous enemy.
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John,
I liked your story and my great news is: I do think you’re funny!
I have two little concerns reading your query letter:
- it’s easy to feel a little lost among princesses, wizards and their sperm… what if you just throw out the basic idea (which is extreme enough in itself) and don’t write the story all the way to the end?
- And also – Who is your protagonist? You keep talking about me, but who’s the protagonist in the script? This narrative style is exciting, but it leaves out an important piece of information…
All the best!
Isti
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Jane Alcala Query Letter Draft One
What I learned from this lesson: It’s my understanding from these lessons that the query letter is meant to pique interest, while giving as little info about the script as possible.
Ouery Letter, Draft One:
TITLE: “Comediennes”
WRITTEN BY: Jane Alcala
GENRE: Women-centered Comedy
Let’s hear it for a parolee who plots to break the internet instead of the law!
Desperate for viral fame, an ex-parolee turned comedian challenges her parole agent to a TV roast battle.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Bio: I’m a former Los Angeles probation officer and stand-up comedian. In the writing of this script, I consulted with a Peacock Network-featured comedian who jokes about her criminal past.
Contact info (to be included here)
Thanks,
Jane Alcala
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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Hi Jane,
As previously mentioned, I love the concept! Your Bio is strong but just a note that the query letter seems a bit short. As you’ve described it, it seems a bit like a youtube video. Maybe mention some of the challenges? Are they having difficulty being taken seriously? eg. Oscar- when Stallone’s character was trying to go straight, he kept being chased by police, who were certain it was just an act. Are there other things pulling her in the other direction? I wouldn’t be afraid to give a few of the beats in the query letter.
Otherwise, loved it!
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Hi Christi,
Thanks for these great notes! With all the different types of pitches from the lessons, I got confused about how much goes into the query letter. Thanks to your notes, I returned to Lesson 5 with the sample query. I’m going to write my second draft with more beats and detail as you suggest. I’m glad to hear the concept sounds appealing to you.
Thanks again!
Jane
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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Christi’s Query Letter Draft 2
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that this script will wait until I’ve got more credibility with producers. It’s far too high a budget and I’m a nobody.
Query Letter:
Imagine you’re the great grandson of Agatha Christie, Grand Dame of the British Empire and you have one job: Maintain the Copyrights.
The one that got away? The Man in the Brown Suit.
What is it, you ask?
Orphaned and homeless but with a sudden stroke of luck, Anne Beddingfeld tries to endear herself to her late father’s friends while joining the hunt for stolen diamonds.
On her way, she meets an overbearing southern belle, a handsome but brooding stranger, a transgender agent of fortune and a morally ambiguous millionaire who wants to adopt her.
Pretty impressive for 1921, huh?
Now imagine you’re the great granddaughter of a British orphan that emigrated to Canada at 13 years old and have developed a talent that rivals the Grand Dame herself.
From the mind of Agatha Christie and updated by Christi Falk, a tale of love, loss and belonging in Public Domain that is powerfully relevant today.
If you’re interested, I’d be happy to send you the script.
If not, I have other features I would love to present in it’s place.
Contact Info XXXXX.
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Hi Christi,
Here are my notes on your query letter etc.
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that this script will wait until I’ve got more credibility with producers. It’s far too high a budget and I’m a nobody.
My note on this: Could you see a way to making this a much lower budget film? Maybe change story to a contemporary setting so it’s not a period piece movie, which I know are more expensive. I think it’s great that you found an untapped Christie mystery, and I’d hope you can continue to work on this project.
Query Letter:
Imagine you’re the great grandson of Agatha Christie, Grand Dame of the British Empire and you have one job: Maintain the Copyrights.
The one that got away? The Man in the Brown Suit.
Note: Great hook!
What is it, you ask?
Note/suggestion: What’s it about, you ask?
Orphaned and homeless but with a sudden stroke of luck, Anne Beddingfeld tries to endear herself to her late father’s friends while joining the hunt for stolen diamonds.
Note: I’m wondering if you instead have a couple sentences about the story’s central mystery and something about the man in the brown suit? I don’t yet sense what the mystery is or how the title figures in.
On her way, she meets an overbearing southern belle, a handsome but brooding stranger, a transgender agent of fortune and a morally ambiguous millionaire who wants to adopt her.
Pretty impressive for 1921, huh?
Note: I like the cast of characters, but I’m still unclear about the conflict Anne faces with them. I’m also not sure about “pretty impressive for 1921” about all the characters, though I am surprised Christie wrote a transgender character.
Now imagine you’re the great granddaughter of a British orphan that emigrated to Canada at 13 years old and have developed a talent that rivals the Grand Dame herself.
Note: Is this you, Christi, and are you also a mystery writer? My suggestion would be to make this clearer.
From the mind of Agatha Christie and updated by Christi Falk, a tale of love, loss and belonging in Public Domain that is powerfully relevant today.
Note: I would again play up the mystery aspect of the story, rather than the love, loss of the story. I’m also not clear on how story is powerfully relevant today.
If you’re interested, I’d be happy to send you the script.
If not, I have other features I would love to present in it’s place.
Note: Again, Christi, I think you have a great idea here, and hope you can see a way to moving forward with it!
Jane
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Hi Jane, thanks for the notes! I’ll work on my query letter with the emphasis you’ve mentioned.
Yes, someone tried to update it in the 80s. It stars Stephanie Zimbalist and it was about 5-10 million in adjusted dollars. It showed. There’s just no way to do Agatha Christie on the cheap.
It’s okay though, I do have other scripts that can be done in the lower range.
I probably won’t get to the adjustment until this weekend!
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Thanks for your reply, Christi. I hope you can use some of my notes. I hope we all keep checking in here this week. I’m also behind and need the week to wrap this class up.
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Jane Alcala Query Letter Draft Two
What I learned from this lesson: To use example of query letter in Lesson 5 to write my 2nd draft. I appreciated notes from Christi, who helped me to see what was mising from first draft.
Ouery Letter, Draft Two:
TITLE: “Comediennes”
WRITTEN BY: Jane Alcala
GENRE: Women-centered Comedy
Let’s hear it for a parolee who plots to break the internet instead of the law!
With viral fame and dollar signs dancing in her eyes, Dara, an ex-con turned struggling comedian, accepts an offer to roast her arch-enemy ex-parole agent, Patricia, aka “Pat,” on a popular TV show.
Dara’s plan? Train the skittish, recently fired Pat to be a crack insult comic and goad her into battle—which proves easier for Dara than keeping a lid on her simmering rage against Pat.
And when Pat mistakes Dara’s temporary truce for friendship, their awkward aliance goes further off the rails.
These two are destined to learn that it’s best to roast the ones you love.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Bio: I’m a former Los Angeles probation officer and stand-up comedian. In the writing of this script, I consulted with a Peacock Network-featured comedian who jokes about her criminal past.
Contact info (to be included here)
Thanks,
Jane Alcala
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Jane Alcala.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by
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