Lesson 11

[David Wickenden]

Hi guys, I’m done with my critiques/feedback. Luck.

Hi everyone.
I have a Horror/Thriller titled The Witch's Legacy.
Concept: What if a family inherits a mansion tied to an ancient cult, discovering they are the sacrificial heirs, as supernatural forces tied to accused witches from the 1700s are unleashed?
If you are interested in exchanging scripts for feedback drop me a line at wickendendave@gmail.com
Of course, it'll be first come, first served.
Thanks Dave

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  David Wickenden.

[LJ (Lawrence John) Seliski]

Sorry Everyone. I've already done two exchanges and won't be doing any more exchanges.

Hi Everyone,
I’m LJ and I’m writing a Sci-Fi/Drama with the title “Defiant Allies”.

Concept: An eighteen-year-old woman who was abused as a foster child rescues a gifted, exiled alien twelve-year-old Princess, and agrees to help her avoid capture by the Princess’s twenty-four-year-old identical twin sister, an adversary who wants to misuse the Princess’s gift and is involved in a conspiracy that threatens both humanity and alien kind.

LJ

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  LJ (Lawrence John) Seliski.
• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  LJ (Lawrence John) Seliski.

[Renee Miller]

Hi Everyone,
I have a dark comedy called Killer Support.

Concept: A reformed serial killer turned therapist’s support group for like-minded murders becomes the hunting ground for a new killer who uniquely dispatches victims in an ironic nod to their original crimes, thrusting the group into a macabre game of survival.

If anyone would like to exchange let me know at rmiller0911@gmail.com.

Cheers

[Deni sher]

Renee, your email address didn’t work. I have a thriller dark comedy that I am hoping will have more of the comedy when I write the dialogue. My concept is: What if drinking coffee mixed with cremation ashes of a hit-man drives you to commit murder? My email is denibsher@gmail.com
I am the woman who was VERY far behind! But, I caught up!!!
If you would like to exchange, please let me know. I have a few scripts under option, so I know how to write, but this is my first thriller script which was the challenge I wanted.
Deni

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Deni sher.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Deni sher.

[Renee Miller]

Hey Deni,
That’s strange that my email didn’t work. But yeah, I’ll exchange with you. I’ll send you mine then you can just reply to ensure that the email works.
Cheers,
Renee

[Kristin Donnan]

Hey Renee,

I’m finally catching up, and as previously discussed during our live session, I would love to exchange with you if it’s not too late. I’ll be done with my reformatted version this evening…. Might this work for you? If so, my email is kd@kristindonnan.com. Thanks, Kristin

[Margaret]

Hello!
I have a faith-based true story called BEYOND THE SHADOW.
Genre: Inspirational Drama
Concept: A terminally ill college student discovers faith and love, defying the odds to pursue his dreams and embrace the uncertainty of life.

If you would like to exchange, please send an email to : silebi@hotmail.com.

Thank you! Margaret

[Monica Arisman]

Everyone,
I have the following if you’d like to exchange.

TITLE: GOD’s LIBRARY

WRITTEN BY: Monica Arisman

GENRE: Drama/Fantasy

CONCEPT: When a writer on the brink of despair survives a near-death experience, she discovers a hidden library filled with forgotten tales, sparking both inspiration and peril.

Email: marisman@shaw.ca

Thanks.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  Monica Arisman. Reason: Formatting

[Michael Collado]

Hi everyone, I would like to exchange outlines for feedback.

Title: Smart Ball

Written By: Michael Collado

Email address: ColladoM22@gmail.com
Genre: Dramedy

Concept: A suspended female junior detective coaches a team of brainiac misfits on how to play baseball with science, math, and physics. Then she uncovers that one of the Little League’s corporate sponsors is using the kids as lab rats to test their secret nanotechnology breakthrough.

Outline:
Scene 1
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Jocinda saves a woman from a domestic beating during an unauthorized stakeout but lets a burglar escape.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Jocinda sits in her car, staking out a suspect’s house, when she hears a scream from a nearby alley.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment): Jocinda intervenes in the domestic dispute, saving the woman, but feels the weight of her decision as she watches the burglar escape in the distance.
Ending: (External Dilemma): Jocinda debates whether to pursue the fleeing burglar or stay and ensure the woman’s safety, ultimately choosing compassion over her gut instinct.

Scene 2
INT. DETECTIVE BULLPEN – DAY
Jocinda gets reprimanded by her Captain and exits the bullpen amidst snide remarks.
Beginning: (Mislead/Reveal): Jocinda disassembles her murder board, thinking she might get some recognition for her actions, only to be reprimanded.
Middle: (Betrayal): The Captain harshly criticizes her decision, and colleagues toss snide remarks her way, revealing underlying sexism.
Ending: (Major Twist):Jocinda’s defiant exit includes a bold statement about sexism, leaving the room in stunned silence.

Scene 3
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
Detective Sibowits offers Jocinda advice on navigating the system.
Beginning: (Superior Position): Jocinda storms down the hallway, visibly upset, unaware that Sibowits is watching her.
Middle: (Mentor Moment): Sibowits stops her and offers the advice, “You have to know how to play the game before you can change the rules,” challenging her approach.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma): Jocinda contemplates Sibowits’ words, torn between following her gut and adapting to the system.

Scene 4
EXT. WASHINGTON HOME – DAY
Jocinda has a tender moment with her goddaughter, Ava, while Kofi watches disapprovingly.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting): Jocinda arrives at the Washington home, finds Ava struggling with chores in the yard, and learns her baseball team needs a coach.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment): Jocinda teaches Ava an easier way to do things, helping her finish quickly, but she feels Kofi’s disapproving gaze from the window.
Ending: (Character Changes Radically): Kofi confronts Jocinda, revealing his disdain for her methods, and Jocinda realizes she has more to prove.

Scene 5
INT. LITTLE LEAGUE BOARDROOM – DAY
Jocinda battles the board for the right to coach, leveraging her college baseball experience.
Beginning: (Suspense): Jocinda enters the boardroom, facing a group of skeptical board members.
Middle: (Conflict): She counters each sexist objection with sharp retorts, tension building as she cites her college baseball experience.
Ending: (Major Twist): The board reluctantly agrees to let her coach, but with a warning tone that sets the stage for future conflicts.

Scene 6
INT. WASHINGTON HOME – DAY
Jocinda announces she will be coaching Ava’s team because of the extra time on her hands, revealing her suspension, and faces Kofi’s skepticism.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Jocinda excitedly tells her Sister, Latisha, her husband, Kofi, about taking on coaching Ava’s team..
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment): Kofi mutters under his breath about Jocinda’s suspension, creating tension.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma): Jocinda feels a mix of pride and shame, knowing she must prove herself to her family.

Scene 7
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD DUGOUT – DAY
Coach Jo discovers the team is composed of brainiacs who struggle with baseball basics.
Beginning: (Mystery): in the dugout, Jocinda scans the roster and is amazed at how unathletic the team members are.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment): During the first practice, the kids’ awkward attempts at basic skills create an uncomfortable scene.
Ending: (Suspense) Jocinda wonders how she is ever going to teach these kids the fundamentals of baseball.

Scene 8
INT. BASEBALL FIELD DUGOUT – DAY
Ava introduces the team from the dugout and explains their nicknames, showcasing their resilience.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting): Ava steps into the dugout, where Coach Jo waits.
Middle: (Intrigue): Ava explains they are all brainiacs, which explains a lot. She also explains they all have nicknames, each with a story of resilience and coping with negativity.
Ending: (Misinterpretation) Jocinda attempts to grasp the nicknames’ concept but comically misses their deeper significance.

Scene 9
INT. BASEBALL FIELD DUGOUT – DAY
TyRod’s tragic past and Stanley’s autism are introduced, adding depth to their characters.
Beginning: (Suspense): Jocinda learns about TyRod’s family tragedy of losing his mother and brother in an accident.
Middle: (Intrigue): Ava introduces Stanley’s unique way of coping through statistics, highlighting his autism.
Ending: (Uncertainty): Jocinda feels the weight of their stories, wondering how to handle their unique needs.

Scene 10
NT. BASEBALL FIELD DUGOUT – DAY
Coach Jo again humorously misinterprets the kids’ nicknames, showcasing her learning curve.
Beginning: (Humor): Jocinda guesses the origins of the nicknames, getting them hilariously wrong.
Middle: (Surprise): Ava corrects her, explaining the real, often touching stories behind each nickname.
Ending: (Character Changes Radically): Jocinda realizes she has much to learn about these kids, prompting a change in her approach.

Scene 11
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
The team struggles with fundamentals, and Coach Jo’s CD plan meets skepticism.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment): The kids awkwardly practice basic skills, highlighting their lack of athleticism.
Middle: (Misinterpretation): Jocinda’s plan to have them watch a CD on hold to coach baseball with their parents is met with confusion and skepticism.
Ending: (Suspense): Jocinda senses her method isn’t working, leaving her searching for a new strategy.

Scene 12
INT. THE LOCAL TAVERN – AFTERNOON
Jocinda meets the eccentric Doc Cos, who offers an unconventional approach to coaching.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Jocinda sits at the bar, reviewing her notes, when Doc Cosmo Von Skin Phd peeks over her shoulder.
Middle: (Mystery): Doc Cos recites a poetic description of baseball from a physicist’s perspective, piquing Jocinda’s interest.
Ending: (Surprise): Jocinda realizes Doc Cos’s unorthodox methods might be exactly what she needs, sparking a new plan.

Scene 13
EXT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – DAY
Mr. Black observes nanobots connecting with neurons, hinting at a larger plot.
Beginning: (Intrigue): The scene opens with a close-up of nanobots through a microscope.
Middle: (Mystery): Mr. Black explains the technology’s potential, hinting at its experimental use.
Ending: (Suspense): The true purpose of the nanobots remains unclear, leaving us wondering about their impact.

Scene 14
INT. VITA SOLUTIONS VITAMIN COMPANY – DAY
Mr. Jones reveals Jocinda’s detective status to Mr. Black, who remains unconcerned.
Beginning: (Suspense): Mr. Jones nervously approaches Mr. Black, who is playing catch with a chimpanzee.
Middle: (Surprise): Mr. Jones reveals Jocinda’s detective background, but Mr. Black is unfazed.
Ending: (Uncertainty): Mr. Black’s calm reaction leaves Mr. Jones and the audience wondering about his true intentions.

Scene 15
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
Coach Jo’s CD plan fails, but she wins the kids over with a chess analogy for baseball.
Beginning: (Humor): Jocinda’s CD plan backfires as parents and kids express confusion and disinterest.
Middle: (Intrigue): Jocinda pivots, comparing baseball strategy to chess, capturing the kids’ attention.
Ending: (Hope/Fear): The kids are intrigued by the new approach to learning baseball’s rules and strategies first, but Jocinda fears it might not be enough to make them successful players.

Act 2
Scene 16
INT. AVA’S BEDROOM – EVENING
Ava is a little worried about TyRod, but a FaceTime call puts her at ease. During the call, we see a clean bedroom with TyRod folding clothes from the laundry.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Ava’s FaceTime call to TyRod reveals him in a meticulously clean room, folding laundry.
Middle:(Uncomfortable Moment) Ava’s subtle probing about TyRod’s well-being leads to a tense moment where TyRod’s responses seem rehearsed and overly calm.
Ending: (Superior Position) As the call ends, Ava notices TyRod’s eyes briefly flick to the bedroom door, hinting at underlying tension.

Scene 17
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
Coach Jo, with Doc Cos’ help, doesn’t teach batting stances; she teaches parabolas. She explains how the arc of a pitch follows a quadratic trajectory.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) Coach Jo sets up an unconventional batting practice with a whiteboard outside the cage at the batting cages. She challenges them to come up with an algorithm to time the bat’s swing to meet the ball as it is pitched to them.
Middle: (Intrigue) The kids begin to understand the scientific principles behind batting, but they need the speed of the pitched ball to figure out the bat’s speed to hit it. When a police car shows up to lend Coach Jo a radar gun.
Ending: (Major Twist) Coach Jo is amazed as the kids figure it all out and showcase their newfound skills.

Scene 18
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
The pitchers are taught that the spin’s direction determines the lift force’s orientation.
Beginning:(Intrigue) Coach Jo gathers the pitchers and starts explaining the science behind different pitches.
Middle: (Mystery) The kids experiment with different spins, resulting in unpredictable and exciting outcomes.
Ending: (Surprise) The pitchers successfully throw complex pitches like curves and screwballs, to their delight and Coach Jo’s surprise.

Scene 19
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – DAY
Mr. Black and Mr. Jones meet again in the laboratory, where we see a pill-making machine being installed.
Beginning: (Suspense) Mr. Black and Mr. Jones enter the lab as technicians install a mysterious machine.
Middle: (Superior Position) The camera pans to reveal boxes labeled Vita Solutions, hinting at a sinister connection.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) The scene ends with the machine starting up, foreshadowing the impending danger.

Scene 20
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – MORNIN
Mr. Jones picks up a new batch of vitamins from Mr. Black, along with a list of boys to take this new version.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Mr. Jones arrives at the lab, and Mr. Black hands him a box of vitamins with a list of names.
Middle:(Suspense) Mr. Jones questions the safety of the vitamins, but Mr. Black assures him everything is fine.
Ending: (Major Twist) The scene ends with Mr. Jones reluctantly taking the vitamins, his doubts evident.

Scene 21
EXT. AVA’S FRONT PORCH – DAY
Ava calls TyRod again because she is worried. This time, the audience will see the stark contrast between TyRod’s clean bedroom and the messy living room.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Ava calls TyRod again, and after talking with her, he steps out of his immaculate room into a chaotic living room.
Middle: (Character Changes Radically) TyRod’s father confronts him harshly, revealing his deteriorating state.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) TyRod’s emotional plea to his father to be more with him and not with them ends with him tossing Coach Jo’s CD onto the couch, which lands next to a picture of his mother and brother.

Scene 22
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
All the Twins’ baseball fundamentals are improving, kids are playing permanent positions, and their knowledge of the games has grown.
Beginning: (Intrigue) The team executes advanced plays on the field, impressing Coach Jo.
Middle:(Suspense) The kids discuss their newfound confidence and strategies during a break.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) The scene ends with a pivotal play that showcases their significant improvement, hinting at future success. ( put the challenging Baseball scenario here for the team to figure out)

Scene 23
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
Mr. Black is in the stands watching a different game, applauding sinisterly as a boy on vitamins makes a spectacular catch.
Beginning: (Suspense) Mr. Black arrives at the game, his presence creating tension.
Middle: (Intrigue) He watches intently as one of the boys on the new vitamins performs exceptionally.
Ending: (Major Twist) Mr. Black’s sinister applause as he grins, signaling his approval of the experiment’s progress.

Scene 24
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
Jocinda sees the same catch and notices Mr. Black’s reaction, raising her suspicions.
Beginning: (Suspense) Coach Jo watches the game and notices a remarkable play by a boy on vitamins.
Middle: (Intrigue) She observes Mr. Black’s enthusiastic reaction, raising her suspicions.
Ending: (
Cliffhanger) Coach Jo decides to investigate further, sensing something is amiss.

Scene 25
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
Mr. Jones gets Mr. Black’s attention and points out Coach Jo’s notetaking.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Mr. Jones nods to Mr. Black, subtly pointing out Coach Jo.
Middle: (Suspense) Mr. Black’s curiosity is piqued by Coach Jo’s detailed observations.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Mr. Black nods to Mr. Jones, indicating they need to keep an eye on her.

Scene 26
INT. JOCINDA’S RV – NIGHT
With a murder board on the wall, Coach Jo is trying to piece together the mystery involving Mr. Black.
Beginning: (Suspense) Coach Jo reviews her notes and evidence in her RV, determined to solve the mystery.
Middle: (Intrigue) She focuses on two boys whose performance mirrors legendary players, raising more questions.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Jo decides to investigate Mr. Black’s background, sensing a major breakthrough.

Scene 27
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
After practice, Coach Jo asks the kids if they noticed anything odd about the other players.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Coach Jo gathers the kids and asks about unusual behaviors in other players.
Middle: (Mystery) Smitty and Drip provide crucial observations about their opponents’ subtle cues.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Coach Jo is intrigued by their insights and senses she is close to a breakthrough.

Scene 28
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
Drip’s statement leads to comical banter and his admission of liking Izzy.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) The kids tease Drip about his observation, leading to banter.
Middle: (Character Changes Radically) Drip tries to deflect but eventually admits he likes Izzy.
Ending: (Surprise) Izzy’s reaction is ambiguous, leaving Drip and the others curious.

Scene 29
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – AFTERNOON
Mr. Jones visits Mr. Black, who is concerned about the side effects of the vitamins.
Beginning: (Suspense) Mr. Jones confronts Mr. Black about the side effects he has noticed.
Middle: (Intrigue) Mr. Black downplays the concerns, showing off the new vitamins.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Mr. Jones leaves, torn between his moral concerns and his loyalty to Mr. Black.

Scene 30
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – AFTERNOON
Mr. Black brings out a new chimp named Sandy, demonstrating her impressive abilities.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Mr. Black introduces Sandy, a new chimp, to Mr. Jones.
Middle: (Surprise) Sandy displays remarkable skills, impressing Mr. Jones.
Ending: (Major Twist) Mr. Jones, dazzled by the demonstration, momentarily forgets his ethical concerns.

Scene 31
NT. JOCINDA’S RV – NIGHT
Jocinda opens an email about Mr. Black’s menacing background.
Beginning: (Suspense) Jocinda receives an email with crucial information about Mr. Black.
Middle: (Intrigue) She reads about his sinister past, realizing the gravity of the situation.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Jo decides she needs more evidence before taking action, raising the stakes.

Scene 32
INT. LITTLE LEAGUE BOARDROOM – AFTERNOON
Coach Jo hints at her theory to Mr. Jones, observing his reaction.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Coach Jo subtly confronts Mr. Jones with her suspicions.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Mr. Jones’s nervous reaction confirms her theory.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Jo realizes she is on the right track but needs to act carefully.

Scene 33
INT. STATS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Coach Jo has dinner with Stats and his mom, Debra, gaining crucial insights and realizing a potential love interest.
Beginning: (Suspense) Jo attends a thank you dinner from his mom, Debra, at Stats’ house.
Middle: (Intrigue) Stats provides key information with a few spoken words, a huge show of affection towards her, about the pinky twitch and wink, leading to a breakthrough.
Ending: (Uncertainty) After talking with Debra about the sexism in the world, Jo senses a possible romantic connection with Stats’ mom, adding a personal conflict. Before she leaves, she asks Stats for a favor.

Act 3
Scene 34
INT. WASHINGTON YARD – DAY
Coach Jo goes to her sister’s house, and Kofi wants to know why she is meeting with Doc Cos. When she confesses that he has been giving her tips on how to coach the team, Kofi is confused but happy she is asking for help. He then points out that asking for help is a step in the right direction for a new you.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Kofi questions Jocinda about her connection with Doc Cos.
Middle: (Character Changes Radically) Jocinda admits she’s been receiving coaching tips from Doc Cos, surprising Kofi with her openness.
Ending: (Superior Position) Kofi expresses pride, highlighting Jocinda’s personal growth in seeking help.

Scene 35
INT. WASHINGTON HOME – DAY
Coach Jo learns from her sister that the nanobots are a technological breakthrough and that Mr. Black must have cracked the code to bridge the gap to transmit information. The nanobots are programmed with great athletes’ movement and instincts that will interface with the neural network, accessing the muscle memory and instinctual responses. Once connected, the nanobots act as conduits, relaying the athlete’s expertise directly to the host’s motor neurons. This technology will revolutionize human potential. Imagine a world where anyone can perform at the level of a champion, breaking insurmountable barriers. She also learns that Mr. Black’s company makes the kids’ vitamins.
Beginning: (Suspense) Jocinda lays out what she knows about the vitamins and the kids.
Middle: (Mystery) Latisha fills in the blanks, explaining the full extent of Mr. Black’s plan with the nanobots.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Jocinda realizes the ethical and moral divide between her and Mr. Black, unsure how to proceed.

Scene 36
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – EVENING**
Mr. Black reaches back into his past for help to eliminate Coach Jo.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Mr. Black contacts an old, dangerous friend.
Middle: (Betrayal) It becomes clear that Mr. Black’s old friend is a hitman hired to deal with Coach Jo.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) The audience realizes Mr. Black has ordered Coach Jo’s abduction.

Scene 37
INT. JOCINDA’S RV – DAY
Coach Jo eats some crow and calls and explains her theory to Det. Sibowits. Det. Sibowits backs her play, and she gets him some vitamins for testing.
Beginning: (Internal Dilemma) Jocinda struggles with whether to ask for help or go it alone.
Middle:(Character Changes Radically) She swallows her pride and calls Det. Sibowits explains her theory.
Ending: (Suspense) Det. Sibowits agrees to help and promises to test the vitamins.

Scene 38
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – DAY
Mr. Jones tells Mr. Black what Coach Jo knows about the secret program. Mr. Black reveals to Mr. Jones that it will not be a problem by tomorrow.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Mr. Jones reports Coach Jo’s discoveries to Mr. Black.
Middle: (Betrayal) Mr. Black nonchalantly indicates he has already taken steps to handle Coach Jo.
Ending: (Suspense) Mr. Jones realizes the depths of Mr. Black’s resolve, questioning his own involvement.

Scene 39
INT. WASHINGTON HOME – DAY
The vitamin analysis comes back. The vitamins are clean of any foreign matter, especially nanobots. Det. Sibowits tries to reach Jocinda but must leave a message. He contacts Latisha and gives her the bad news.
Beginning: (Suspense) Latisha answers the call from Det. Sibowits, expecting good news.
Middle: (Major Twist) Det. Sibowits informs Latisha the vitamins are clean, devastating their case.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Latisha fears they’ve been outsmarted by Mr. Black.

Scene 40
INT. JOCINDA’S RV – DAY
Latisha goes to Jocinda’s RV to see if she is there; no Jocinda, but she sees the murder board, and something dawns on her.
Beginning: (Suspense) Latisha searches Jocinda’s RV for her.
Middle: (Mystery) She studies the murder board, piecing together Jocinda’s clues.
Ending: (Intrigue) A critical insight dawns on Latisha, hinting at a breakthrough.

Scene 41
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
Coach Jo is late for the first game of the championship series, and everyone starts to worry. Doc Cos enters the dugout to help, and one of the other coaches supplies them with equipment. Stats gives Ava one of his notebooks, which Ava interprets as tips about Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, Ty Cobb, and a few other past greats’ weaknesses at the plate and in the field, and which tell coincides with which player, which she passes on to her pitchers. This information neutralizes their talent at the plate, and the Twins have a stunning win in the series’ first game.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Doc Cos introduces himself and barks orders to the team on how to manage themselves until Coach Jo shows up. Ava explains the insight the notes have on the other team.
Middle: (Mislead/Reveal) The team uses the tips during the game, initially struggling to implement them.
Ending: (Surprise) The Twins win, showcasing their brains over brawn.

Scene 42
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – NIGHT
Coach Jo wakes up and is tied up in a chair. She looks around, and she is in a laboratory. She sees Sandy and Willie playing catch and has to do a double take. Mr. Black comes into the Lab.
Beginning: (Suspense) Jocinda wakes up disoriented and tied up.
Middle: (Mystery) She sees Sandy and Willie behaving oddly, intensifying her confusion.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Mr. Black enters, revealing his presence and intentions.

Scene 43
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – DAY
Coach Jo reveals that the police are testing the vitamins as they speak. Mr. Black informs her that they are testing the placebo and will find nothing.
Beginning: (Uncertainty) Jocinda asserts the vitamins are being tested by the police.
Middle: (Mislead/Reveal) Mr. Black laughs, revealing they are testing placebos.
Ending: (Major Twist) Jocinda’s confidence shatters, realizing Mr. Black’s cunning plan.

Scene 44
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – DAY
They will not even find you! We have taken your RV, and you will have a tragic accident in it, probably because you were so depressed at the fact that you failed yet again because of your arrogance and history of not asking for help.
Beginning: (Suspense) Mr. Black details his plan to dispose of Jocinda.
Middle: (Intrigue) He mocks her for her history of not asking for help, deepening the wound.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Jocinda must think quickly to outmaneuver Mr. Black.

Scene 45
INT. SYNAPSE TECH SYSTEMS LABORATORY – DAY
Det. Sibowits and the whole Detective unit come bursting into the Lab, guns drawn. Latisha tested one of her friend’s vitamins, confirmed nanobots were laced in them and notified Det. Sibowits, who had just gotten off the phone with Mr. Jones, who had a change of heart for the kids and called in the information.
Beginning: (Surprise) Det. Sibowits and the unit storm the lab.
Middle: (Major Twist) Latisha’s independent test revealed the truth, catalyzing the rescue.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Mr. Jones’ change of heart and the new evidence put Mr. Black’s fate in balance.

Scene 46
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
The championship game unfolds with the brainiac team playing against Mr. Jones’ team without Mr. Jones’ coaching or technological aid. They rely solely on their scientifically honed skills.
Beginning: (More interesting setting): The field is bustling with energy, with fans cheering and a tense atmosphere. The game starts with both teams on edge, showcasing the high stakes.
Middle: (Suspense): The game progresses with intense back-and-forth, each team giving their all. The brainiacs use their scientific strategies to counter Mr. Jones’ team’s traditional athleticism, creating nail-biting moments.
Ending: (Major Twist): Despite a close and intense game, the brainiacs clinch the victory with a brilliantly executed scientific play, which answers Coach Jo’s last problem-solving play scenario. The crowd erupts in cheers, and TyRod’s father, visibly cleaned up, stands and applauds his son proudly.

Scene 47
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD DUGOUT – DAY
The team celebrates their hard-fought victory, and Jocinda reflects on her journey, seeing her place as a coach and mentor firmly established.
Beginning: (Intrigue): The team gathers in the dugout, basking in their triumph. Jocinda watches them, a mixture of pride and contentment in her eyes.
Middle: (Character changes radically): The parents and community members join the celebration. TyRod’s father, now cleaned up, emotionally reconnects with his son, symbolizing a new beginning for both.
Ending: (Uncertainty):** Jocinda steps back, observing the joy around her. She feels a sense of accomplishment but is also pensive about her future. The scene ends with Jocinda looking hopeful yet contemplative.

Scene 48
INT. JOCINDA’S RV – AFTERNOON
Jocinda dismantles her murder board, symbolizing the resolution of her internal and external conflicts. Det. Sibowits joins her, marking a new chapter in her professional life.
Beginning: (Intrigue): Jocinda methodically takes down the murder board, each piece symbolizing a hurdle overcome. Det. Sibowits arrives, offering a silent nod of respect.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma): Jocinda and Det. Sibowits discuss her journey, the struggles she faced, and the growth she achieved. The conversation is heartfelt, showing her transformation.
Ending: (Cliffhanger):** Jocinda places the last piece of the board into a box, signifying closure. She smiles confidently at Det. Sibowits, hinting at new challenges ahead but with a renewed sense of purpose and strength. The scene fades out, leaving the future open yet promising.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  Michael Collado.
• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  Michael Collado.

[Robin Fellows]

Michael, I’d like to exchange outlines for feedback if you have the time…

[Edward Lusk]

Hello, let's exchange feedback.
Title: ELFSTRUCK
Written By: Ed Lusk
Email address: ejluskwriter@gmail.com
Genre: Christmas Rom-Com
Concept: A Christmas visit to his grandparents' manor unravels for a heartbroken gay man when he finds an unexpected romance with a stranded magical elf whose mysterious mishap threatens Christmas.

Outline:

Scene 1
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – FRAGRANCE COUNTER – DAY

Description: Howie Bellamy tries to manage a chaotic fragrance counter, fending off unruly customers with snarky humor. A gay couple refers to Howie as an "Elf," prompting a loud insult from Howie that catches the attention of nearby store Santa, Howie’s best friend, Jesús, and his helper elf, Jasper Frost. Jasper’s cheerful demeanor and magical antics unsettle Howie, leading to a series of humorous and chaotic events around the counter.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie Bellamy attempts to manage the chaos at the fragrance counter with snarky humor.
Middle: (Misinterpretation) A gay couple calls Howie an "Elf," leading to a loud insult that catches the attention of store Santa, Jesús, and his helper elf, Jasper Frost.
Ending: (Major Twist) Jasper’s magical antics cause a series of humorous and chaotic events, unsettling Howie.

Scene 2
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY

Description: Howie’s boyfriend confronts him, suspecting Howie of flirting with Jasper. The misunderstanding escalates into an argument, drawing the attention. Jesús, dressed as Santa, intervenes. Despite Jasper’s attempts to restore merriment, the argument culminates in Howie’s boyfriend breaking up with him, Jasper knocked on his butt, leaving Howie devastated. Howie finds a snowflake pendant lying on the floor and pockets it.

Beginning:(Suspense) Howie’s boyfriend confronts him, suspecting Howie of flirting with Jasper.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) The argument escalates, drawing attention, with Jesús trying to intervene and Jasper attempting to restore merriment.
Ending: (Major Twist) Howie’s boyfriend breaks up with him, leaving Howie devastated as he finds and pockets a snowflake pendant.

Scene 3
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – SANTA’S CASTLE – DAY

Description: Howie sits on Jesús’ lap lamenting his life while Jesús, still dressed as Santa, provides sympathetic comfort jesting he will grant Howie his Christmas wish. Howie refuses a text invitation to go to his Grandparent’s Winterberry Manor. Jesús talks him into going as he has no better options.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie laments his life while sitting on Jesús’ lap, who is dressed as Santa.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Howie refuses a text invitation to visit his grandparents.
Ending:(Internal Dilemma) Jesús convinces Howie to go to Winterberry Manor as he has no better options.

Scene 4
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – NIGHT

Description:Howie and Jesús arrive at Winterberry Manor, where Howie is disappointed to find his favorite fireplace out of commission. Unaware of Howie’s arrival, the grandparents discuss the chimney’s significance and the children’s fable Grandpa Nick has been reading. Howie announces his arrival, only to be startled by Jasper emerging from the shower in a Santa hat and towel.

Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Howie arrives at Winterberry Manor and finds his favorite fireplace out of commission.
Middle: (Mystery) Howie’s grandparents discuss the chimney’s significance and the fable.
Ending: (Major Twist) Howie is startled by Jasper emerging from the shower in a Santa hat and towel.

Scene 5
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description:Howie reunites with his grandparents, Nick and Evie, who are thrilled to see him. Howie’s concerned about Jasper’s presence as a possible scam artist. They reminisce about past Christmases and try to lift Howie’s spirits. Howie’s reluctance to engage in holiday cheer is apparent, but his grandparents’ warmth begins to soften his cynicism.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie reunites with his grandparents, who are thrilled to see him.
Middle: (Suspense) Howie expresses concern about Jasper being a scam artist.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) Howie’s reluctance to engage in holiday cheer softens as his grandparents reminisce and show warmth.

Scene 6
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – HOWIE'S ROOM – NIGHT

Description: Howie unpacks his bags and discovers the snowflake pendant he picked up during the scuffle with Jasper. Curious about its significance, he examines it closely, sure it just glowed, inspiring a feeling of a strange connection. This moment deepens his intrigue about Jasper and the mysterious events unfolding.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie unpacks and discovers the snowflake pendant.
Middle: (Mystery) Howie examines the pendant closely, believing it glowed.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Howie feels a strange connection, deepening his intrigue about Jasper and the mysterious events.

Scene 7
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – HOWIE'S ROOM – NIGHT

Description: Howie video calls his sister Grace, sharing the events of the day and his encounter with Jasper. Grace’s supportive and humorous responses help to lighten Howie’s mood, lower his suspicions, and provide much-needed encouragement. Their conversation reveals more about Howie’s past and his feelings about Christmas.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie video calls his sister Grace, sharing the day’s events.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Grace’s supportive and humorous responses lighten Howie’s mood and lower his suspicions.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) Their conversation reveals more about Howie’s past and his feelings about Christmas.

Scene 8
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – HALLWAY – NIGHT

Description: Unable to sleep, Howie wanders the halls of Winterberry Manor and encounters Jasper, who is also restless. They have a tentative conversation, sharing bits of their pasts and current frustrations. The encounter leaves both feeling a mix of connection and confusion.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie wanders the halls of Winterberry Manor and encounters Jasper.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) They share bits of their pasts and current frustrations in a tentative conversation.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Both feel a mix of connection and confusion.

Scene 9
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – KITCHEN – MORNING

Description:The next morning, Howie joins his grandparents and Jasper for breakfast. The atmosphere is light and filled with playful banter, but underlying tensions remain. Howie’s grandparents subtly encourage him to participate in holiday traditions, while Jasper’s presence continues to be both intriguing and unsettling.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie joins his grandparents and Jasper for breakfast.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) The atmosphere is light with playful banter but underlying tensions remain.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) Howie’s grandparents subtly encourage him to participate in holiday traditions.

Scene 10
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – DAY

Description: Howie reluctantly helps his grandparents and Jasper set up Christmas decorations. Despite his initial resistance, he starts to enjoy the process, especially as Jasper’s whimsical nature brings out the fun. There’s a moment of closeness between Howie and Jasper, hinting at a growing bond.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie reluctantly helps with Christmas decorations.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Despite initial resistance, Howie starts to enjoy the process due to Jasper’s whimsical nature.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) A moment of closeness between Howie and Jasper hints at a growing bond.

Scene 11
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – LIBRARY – DAY

Description:Howie’s curious about Grandpa Nick’s book. He reads the children’s fable from the old book to Howie and Jasper about a magical chimney allowing Santa to use chimneys all over the world. The story, filled with magical elements, resonates with both Howie and Jasper, who see reflections of their own struggles within it. This moment strengthens their connection and sets the stage for the unfolding magical events.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie is curious about Grandpa Nick’s book.
Middle: (Mystery) Grandpa Nick reads the children’s fable, filled with magical elements.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) The story resonates with Howie and Jasper, strengthening their connection and setting the stage for magical events.

Scene 12
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – DAY

Description: Howie is suspicious of Jasper’s true intentions despite Grandpa Nick backing up Jasper’s story about being a caregiver. Convinced Jasper is a scam artist, Howie conspires with Jesús to uncover the truth, while Grandma Evie hints at the need for a traditional Christmas and asks Howie for his fabric piece to complete the family Christmas quilt Howie is unwilling to provide.

Beginning: (Superior Position) Howie is suspicious of Jasper’s true intentions despite Grandpa Nick’s reassurance.
Middle: (Intrigue) Howie and Jesús conspire to uncover the truth about Jasper, while Grandma Evie hints at the need for a traditional Christmas quilt.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Howie remains unwilling to provide his fabric piece, deepening the conflict.

Scene 13
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – HOWIE'S ROOM – DAY

Description: Howie video calls his sister Grace, expressing his suspicions about Jasper and Grandma Evie’s cryptic hints. Grace advises him to calm down and participate in the family traditions, including contributing to the quilt. When Grace mentions their parents, Howie shuts down, revealing deeper family issues.

Beginning: (Misinterpretation) Howie expresses his suspicions about Jasper and Grandma Evie’s cryptic hints.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) Grace advises Howie to calm down and participate in family traditions, but when she mentions their parents, Howie shuts down.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Howie feels somewhat reassured but remains suspicious.

Scene 14
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – DAY

Description: Jesús and Jasper decorate the manor, sharing holiday traditions and celebrating. Jesús subtly probes Jasper about his background, making Jasper’s vague references to needing to get back home more suspicious. Howie listens in, googling for clues, while conflicted by his attraction to Jasper and his determination to find out the truth.

Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) Jesús and Jasper joyfully decorate the manor, sharing holiday traditions.
Middle: (Intrigue) Jesús subtly probes Jasper about his background, heightening suspicion with vague references.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) Howie listens in, conflicted by his attraction to Jasper and determination to uncover the truth.

Scene 15
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – NIGHT

Description: Grandpa Nick announces that the storm is too bad for anyone to leave. Jasper hides his desperation by pledging to help make this Christmas the best ever, souring Howie’s disposition and making Jasper a target for his spite. Howie confides in Jesús, planning to ruin Christmas to drive Jasper away.

Beginning: (Suspense) Grandpa Nick announces the storm is too bad for anyone to leave.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Jasper hides his desperation and pledges to make Christmas the best ever, souring Howie’s disposition.
Ending: (Intrigue) Howie confides in Jesús, planning to ruin Christmas to drive Jasper away.

Scene 16
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – PARLOR ROOM – NIGHT

Description: Howie has a heart-to-heart with Grandma Evie, confessing his disillusionment with Christmas and his deep desire to rekindle his belief in heartfelt connections. Grandma Evie encourages him to let go of his hurt and participate in the family traditions. Howie agrees to help, albeit reluctantly.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie confesses his disillusionment with Christmas to Grandma Evie.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) Grandma Evie encourages Howie to let go of his hurt and participate in family traditions.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Howie reluctantly agrees to help, revealing his inner turmoil.

Scene 17
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – KITCHEN – DAY

Description: Howie and Jasper bake cookies together, with Howie using the time to interrogate Jasper about his background and why he’s not home for Christmas. Despite Howie’s initial suspicion, he finds himself attracted to Jasper. Their conversation reveals Jasper’s personal rejection and Howie’s own Christmas morning rejection, deepening their connection but also causing tension.

Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) Howie and Jasper bake cookies together, creating a cozy and intimate atmosphere.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Howie interrogates Jasper about his background, deepening suspicion but also attraction.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) Their conversation reveals shared rejections, deepening their connection but also causing tension.

Scene 18
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – LIBRARY – DAY

Description: Howie has another heart-to-heart with Grandpa Nick, confiding that he deeply desires to rekindle his belief in magical, heartfelt connections. Nick reassures him that the true spirit of Christmas is about love and forgiveness. Howie starts to consider that maybe, just maybe, he can let go of his hurt.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie confides in Grandpa Nick about his desire to rekindle his belief in heartfelt connections.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) Grandpa Nick reassures Howie that the true spirit of Christmas is about love and forgiveness.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Howie starts to consider letting go of his hurt, feeling a glimmer of hope.

Scene 19
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – DAY

Description: Jesús organizes a Christmas piñata party to lift everyone’s spirits. The playful event turns competitive, with hidden jealousy and attraction between Howie, Jasper, and Jesús coming to the surface. The fun ends in a huff as tensions flare, leaving Jesús to binge on the candy in frustration.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Jesús organizes a Christmas piñata party to lift everyone’s spirits.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) The playful event turns competitive, revealing hidden jealousy and attraction.
Ending: (Suspense) The fun ends in a huff as tensions flare, leaving Jesús to binge on the candy in frustration.

Scene 20
EXT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – POND – NIGHT

Description: Overhearing Howie and Jesús’s argument, Jasper arranges an ice-skating date for them at the beautifully decorated Winterberry pond. Howie remains suspicious of Jasper’s motives, while Jesús enjoys the romantic atmosphere. Jasper, satisfied with his plan, returns to the manor to continue fixing the chimney with Grandpa Nick.

Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) Jasper arranges an ice-skating date at the beautifully decorated Winterberry pond.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) Howie remains suspicious of Jasper’s motives, while Jesús enjoys the romantic atmosphere.
Ending: (Intrigue) Jasper, satisfied with his plan, returns to the manor to continue fixing the chimney with Grandpa Nick.

Scene 21
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description: Jasper works on fixing the chimney with Grandpa Nick, expressing his desperation to get home before Christmas Eve. They discuss the significance of the Keystone Chimney and the magical pathways it controls. Jasper is worried that time is running out, adding urgency to their efforts.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Jasper works on fixing the chimney with Grandpa Nick, expressing his desperation.
Middle: (Suspense) They discuss the significance of the Keystone Chimney and the magical pathways it controls.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Jasper’s worry that time is running out adds urgency to their efforts.

Scene 22
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – PARLOR – NIGHT

Description: Grandma Evie video calls Grace, reporting on Howie and Jesús’s progress. They discuss Howie’s readiness to learn the truth about his connection to the Keystone Chimney and their family’s Christmas legacy. Grace is worried it’s too dangerous, but Grandma Evie is confident Howie is ready.

Beginning:(Intrigue) Grandma Evie video calls Grace to report on Howie and Jesús’s progress.
Middle: (Suspense) They discuss Howie’s readiness to learn the truth about his connection to the Keystone Chimney and their family’s Christmas legacy.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Grace is worried it’s too dangerous, but Grandma Evie is confident Howie is ready.

Scene 23
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description: Howie and Jesús return from ice skating and startle Jasper, causing him to fall from a ladder and revealing his elfin features. Grandma Evie enters with hot cocoa and cookies, and Jasper confesses his true identity as a North Pole elf. Howie is initially angry at the deception but starts to understand Jasper’s predicament.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie and Jesús return from ice skating and startle Jasper, causing him to fall from a ladder.
Middle: (Major Twist) Jasper’s fall reveals his elfin features, and he confesses his true identity as a North Pole elf.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Howie is initially angry at the deception but starts to understand Jasper’s predicament.

Scene 24
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description: Jasper explains to Howie the significance of the Keystone Chimney and its role in Santa’s Christmas Eve journey. Howie learns that fixing the chimney requires an “enactment of the true Christmas spirit,” which only he can perform. Despite his resentment, Howie agrees to help, realizing the importance of the task.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Jasper explains the significance of the Keystone Chimney and its role in Santa’s Christmas Eve journey.
Middle: (Suspense) Howie learns that fixing the chimney requires an “enactment of the true Christmas spirit,” which only he can perform
Ending:** (Uncertainty) Despite his resentment, Howie agrees to help, realizing the importance of the task.

Scene 25
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – HOWIE'S ROOM – NIGHT

Description: Howie video calls Grace to discuss the “enactment of the true Christmas spirit.” Grace encourages him to embrace the task and reveals she knew about the family’s secret all along. Howie feels betrayed but realizes he must move forward for the sake of Christmas.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie video calls Grace to discuss the “enactment of the true Christmas spirit.”
Middle: (Major Twist) Grace reveals she knew about the family’s secret all along, leaving Howie feeling betrayed.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) Howie realizes he must move forward for the sake of Christmas despite feeling betrayed.

Scene 26
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – LIBRARY – DAY

Description: Howie agrees to help fix the Keystone Chimney, realizing it’s his chance to heal and rediscover the true spirit of Christmas. Grandpa Nick declares that they will all chip in to figure out the solution as Christmas is at stake. The scene ends with a sense of determination and unity.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie agrees to help fix the Keystone Chimney, realizing it’s his chance to heal.
Middle: (Suspense) Grandpa Nick declares that they will all chip in to figure out the solution.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) The scene ends with a sense of determination and unity as they prepare for the task ahead.

Scene 27
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – DAY

Description: Everyone brainstorms clues from Grandpa Nick’s big book on Christmas magic. The fun halts when Howie watches a TikTok of his ex-boyfriend promoting a fragrance Howie created, pushing Howie to shut down and hate his life again. He storms off, committed to never loving anyone for anything ever again.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Everyone is hopeful as they brainstorm clues from Grandpa Nick’s book on Christmas magic.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Howie watches a TikTok of his ex-boyfriend promoting a fragrance he created, causing an emotional breakdown.
Ending: (Major Twist) Howie storms off, emotionally shutting down and vowing to never love again.

Scene 28
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – HOWIE'S ROOM – DAY

Description: Jasper comforts Howie using a little magic to transform his room into what it was like when he was a child. Jasper explains that the “enactment of the true Christmas spirit” must be performed by someone connected to the North Pole, revealing Howie’s elfin heritage. Jasper confesses that he came back to Winterberry not just to fix the chimney but to find Howie.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Jasper comforts Howie by transforming his room into a nostalgic childhood scene.
Middle: (Mystery) Jasper reveals that the enactment of the true Christmas spirit must be performed by someone connected to the North Pole, disclosing Howie’s elfin heritage.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Jasper confesses his true purpose in returning to Winterberry was to find Howie, leaving Howie conflicted.

Scene 29
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – HOWIE'S ROOM – DAY

Description: Howie confronts Jasper about ruining his Christmas, revealing his frustration with being an elf. Jasper tries to explain his heritage, but Howie’s anger flares, causing Jasper to retreat. Howie is left alone, examining the snowflake pendant and wishing for love and happiness.

Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Howie confronts Jasper, expressing his frustration with his elfin heritage.
Middle:(Conflict) Jasper attempts to explain, but Howie’s anger causes him to retreat.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) Howie is left alone, examining the snowflake pendant, torn between his desire for love and his resentment.

Scene 30
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – LIBRARY – DAY

Description: Howie confronts Grandpa Nick about his newfound heritage. Grandpa Nick tells the tale of the Bellamy family’s connection to Santa and the Keystone Chimney. Howie learns that his heritage has been kept secret to protect him and the family’s duty to preserve the chimney’s magic.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie confronts Grandpa Nick about his elfin heritage.
Middle: (Mystery) Grandpa Nick reveals the Bellamy family’s connection to Santa and the Keystone Chimney.
Ending: (Understanding) Howie learns that his heritage was kept secret to protect him, leading to a newfound understanding of his family’s duty.

Scene 31
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – DAY

Description: Jasper shows Howie his magical abilities, explaining that only true love can unlock Howie’s own magic. Jasper’s misuse of his magic brought him back to Winterberry to find Howie. Howie misunderstands Jasper’s intentions, questioning if Jasper is truly gay.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Jasper demonstrates his magical abilities to Howie.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Jasper explains that true love can unlock Howie’s magic, revealing his own mistakes and intentions.
Ending: (Misinterpretation) Howie questions Jasper’s true intentions and sexuality, leading to further mistrust.

Scene 32
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – HALLWAY – DAY

Description: Jesús pushes his agenda to get Jasper home and out of the way. He believes Jasper’s presence hinders his chances with Howie. Jesús’s jealousy and desire for a deeper relationship with Howie come to the surface.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Jesús subtly pushes his agenda to get Jasper out of the way.
Middle: (Conflict) Jesús’s jealousy and desire for a deeper relationship with Howie become apparent.
Ending: (Betrayal) Jesús’s true feelings and motivations are revealed, complicating his friendship with Howie.

Scene 33
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – CHRISTMAS EVE – NIGHT

Description: The Keystone Chimney mantel clock strikes 10 PM on Christmas Eve. Howie panics, torn between wanting Jasper to stay and needing to fix the chimney. He attempts various Christmas traditions, hoping one will enact the true Christmas spirit, but each fails.

Beginning: (Suspense) The mantel clock strikes 10 PM, signaling the urgency of the task.
Middle: (Desperation) Howie frantically attempts various Christmas traditions, hoping to enact the true Christmas spirit.
Ending: (Failure) Each attempt fails, leaving Howie in a state of panic and confusion.

Scene 34
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description: They gather around the Keystone Fireplace, but Jasper’s attempt to exit via the chimney fails, leading to accusations. Howie, Jesús, and Jasper each blame the other for the sabotage. Grandma Evie suggests a new approach, focusing on the family’s unresolved issues.

Beginning: (Intrigue) They gather around the Keystone Fireplace for Jasper’s attempt.
Middle: (Conflict) Jasper’s attempt fails, leading to accusations and blame among Howie, Jesús, and Jasper.
Ending:(Uncertainty) Grandma Evie suggests a new approach, focusing on resolving family issues.

Scene 35
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description: Grandma Evie suggests they each contribute something meaningful to the family quilt she’s sewing as a symbolic enactment of the true Christmas spirit. Howie, Jasper, and Jesús each offer a personal item, and Grandma Evie sews frantically. Grace arrives just in time, bringing a fresh perspective on the chimney problem.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Grandma Evie proposes a new plan involving the family quilt.
Middle: (Symbolism) Each character contributes a meaningful item to the quilt.
Ending: (Surprise) Grace arrives with a fresh perspective on the chimney problem, renewing hope.

Scene 36
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT ROOM – NIGHT

Description: Howie’s parents arrive, and Howie introduces Jasper as his boyfriend, daring his parents to reject him again. Jasper is conflicted about staying or returning to the North Pole. Howie’s parents reveal their past actions were to protect Howie’s elfin heritage, not because he’s gay.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie’s parents arrive unexpectedly.
Middle: (Confrontation) Howie introduces Jasper as his boyfriend, daring his parents to reject him.
Ending: (Major Twist) Howie’s parents reveal their actions were to protect his elfin heritage, not because of his sexuality.

Scene 37
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description: Grandma Evie struggles to complete the quilt and handle the unresolved family rift, breaking down in tears. Howie realizes the weight of his resentments and decides to let go of his hurt. He gives Grandma Evie his vest piece for the quilt, symbolizing his acceptance and forgiveness.

Beginning: (Suspense) Grandma Evie struggles to complete the quilt under emotional strain.
Middle: (Emotional Breakdown) Grandma Evie breaks down in tears, overwhelmed by unresolved conflicts.
Ending: (Reconciliation) Howie decides to let go of his resentments, giving Grandma Evie his vest piece for the quilt.

Scene 38
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – LIBRARY – NIGHT

Description: Grace provides a fresh perspective, suggesting the enactment requires a special act of giving to recreate the memorable Christmas Eve with Santa. Just as they are about to try, Howie’s parents arrive, complicating the situation. Howie introduces Jasper as his boyfriend, daring his parents to reject him again.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Grace suggests a special act of giving to recreate a memorable Christmas Eve.
Middle: (Surprise) Just as they are about to try, Howie’s parents arrive, complicating the situation.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Howie introduces Jasper as his boyfriend again, adding tension and uncertainty.

Scene 39
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description: Howie reconciles with his parents, forgiving them for their rejection, understanding it was out of fear of losing him to the elf world. The Bellamys light candles on the mantel, symbolizing family love and unity, enacting the true Christmas spirit and bringing the magical chimney to life. Jasper is missing, causing concern as the mantel clock begins to chime midnight.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie reconciles with his parents, forgiving them for their past rejection.
Middle: (Symbolism) The Bellamys light candles on the mantel, enacting the true Christmas spirit and bringing the magical chimney to life.
Ending: (Suspense) Jasper is missing as the mantel clock begins to chime midnight, causing concern.

Scene 40
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description: Jasper returns, apologizing for needing to take care of something and unable to find his pendant. Howie realizes he must give up the snowflake pendant Jasper lost for him to leave. He places it around Jasper’s neck. Grandma Evie covers Jasper with the completed family quilt, and Jasper dissolves up the chimney as the clock strikes midnight.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Jasper returns, apologizing for his absence and mentioning the missing pendant.
Middle: (Major Twist) Howie realizes he must give up the snowflake pendant and places it around Jasper’s neck.
Ending: (Symbolism) Grandma Evie covers Jasper with the completed family quilt, and he dissolves up the chimney as the clock strikes midnight.

Scene 41
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – JESUS’S ROOM – NIGHT

Description: Howie seeks comfort in Jesús but discovers a note explaining he’s also had to depart, leaving Howie emotionally healed with his family but alone again. Howie’s acceptance of his family’s love and the realization that he can now move forward marks his growth.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie seeks comfort in Jesús’s room.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Howie finds a note from Jesús explaining his departure.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) Howie accepts his family’s love and realizes he can now move forward, marking his emotional growth.

Scene 42
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – RETURNS COUNTER – DAY

Description: Howie is back at the store, pleasantly processing returns. Someone hidden behind a gift-wrapped box approaches, revealing Jasper. Jasper asks Howie to come with him, and they leave the store together, opening a gift to find a snow globe of the North Pole. Inside the globe, we see Jesús at the North Pole having a fabulous time. He signals back to Howie the heart symbol and blows him a kiss. Jasper explains he made a deal with Santa for Jesús to switch places so that Jasper could return to the human world.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie is pleasantly processing returns at the store.
Middle: (Surprise) Jasper, hidden behind a gift-wrapped box, reveals himself and asks Howie to come with him.
Ending: (Symbolism) They open a gift to find a snow globe of the North Pole, where Jesús signals back to Howie, and Jasper explains his deal with Santa.

Scene 43
INT. WINTERBERRY MANOR – GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Description: Back at Winterberry Manor, Howie and Jasper receive the old book from Grandpa Nick, bestowing them as the new custodians of the magic chimney. This furthers their romance and newfound roles in preserving Christmas traditions. The scene ends with a sense of fulfillment and new beginnings. Howie and Jasper kiss under the mistletoe.

Beginning: (Intrigue) Howie and Jasper receive the old book from Grandpa Nick, bestowing them as the new custodians of the magic chimney.
Middle: (Symbolism) Their newfound roles in preserving Christmas traditions strengthen their romance.
Ending: (Fulfillment) The scene ends with Howie and Jasper kissing under the mistletoe, symbolizing new beginnings and fulfillment.

[Renee Miller]

Hey Edward,
I'm looking to exchange feedback for a second round. I have a dark comedy titled Killer Support.
Concept: a reformed serial killer turned therapist's support group for like minded murderers becomes the hunting ground for a new serial killer who uniquely dispatches victims in an ironic nod to their original crimes, thrusting the group into a macabre game of survival.
Let me know if you'd like to exchange.
Cheers,
Renee

[Edward Lusk]

Hi Renee, sure, looks interesting. Go ahead and send your PDF, Ill send over mine.
Ed

[John Trimbach]

Anybody care to exchange?
Title: A Still June
Genre: thriller
Concept: A sailor-turned-sheriff is lured to his own death tribunal by a young couple with dark secrets not knowing that they are his estranged daughter and stepson from 15 years ago.
Best,
John
johntrimbach@gmail.com

• This reply was modified 10 months, 4 weeks ago by  John Trimbach.

[Sunil Pappu]

Sunil Pappu’s Outline Exchange 1

Hi everyone,

I have a war thriller that’s A CALL TO SPY meets GREYHOUND.

Title: The Sinking Line
Written By: Sunil R. Pappu
Email: sunilrpappu@gmail.com
Genre: War Thriller
Concept: A female radio operator trained as a British spy is enlisted to intercept a top-secret cable between the US and Pakistan during the 1971 Indo-Pak war.

Please message or email me if you would like to exchange feedback.

Looking forward to it.

Thanks
Sunil

• This reply was modified 10 months, 4 weeks ago by  Sunil Pappu.

[Linda Kish]

Linda’s Outline Exchange 1!

Anyone interested in exchanging? Feel free to email me if interested.

Title: Cartel Kings
Written By: Linda Kish
Email address: lindalkish@yahoo.com
Genre: Action Thriller
Concept: When a dying kingpin launches a brutal contest for his succession, a peaceful man's family is endangered, forcing him to battle for control of the cartel to save them and destroy it.
Outline: Posted in Lesson 10

[Edward Lusk]

Hi Linda would you like to exchange outlines?
Thanks
Ed

[jim ramsay]

Hi Linda, I have a story with heavy cartel involvement.
I have an Action/Thriller titled Saving Innocents.
Concept: An acrimonious Federal Agent grudgingly joins the crusade of a godly vigilante who can help her exact revenge on the cartel boss who killed her baby sister.
If you are interested in exchanging scripts for feedback, drop me a line at jim@jrramsay.com
Thanks Jim

[Madeleind Gentinetta]

Hi Linda
Would you like to exchange with me?
If yes, I try to get the pdf ready over the weekend…

Title: Purple Age
Genre: comedy/drama
High concept: After a stage accident sidelines her upcoming program, an affected, elderly jazz singer finds her coming of age in rehab at a retirement home.
Hook: What if a seasoned singer faces her biggest nightmare – her expiration date?

Best, Madeleine

[Robin Fellows]

Hi everyone, I’d love to exchange outlines for feedback
Title: Memory Alpha
Written by: Robin Fellows
Genre: Neo-Noir Mystery aka Sci-Fi Thriller
Email address: robinbfellows@comcast.net
Concept: In 2057 Los Angeles, a detective battles addiction and corruption while unraveling a murder conspiracy tied to the Dominion Syndicate with the help of a witness and a team entrenched in the city's dark underbelly.
If you would like to exchange with me, I have a couple of days off and time to give a review or two.
For convenience’s sake, I have added my outline here too

Scene 1: Therapy Session
INT: THERAPIST'S OFFICE – NIGHT
Jake Reynolds attends a therapy session, haunted by guilt and addiction.
Beginning: (Mystery) Jake sits in a dimly lit room, the therapist asking about recurring nightmares.
Middle: (Intrigue) Jake describes his recurring nightmare about his partner’s death, hinting at a deeper connection to the current case, his face a mask of unresolved pain.
Ending: (Suspense) The therapist warns Jake about the dangers of his obsession and addiction, hinting at a past attempt to solve the case that went wrong, leaving Jake in a silent turmoil.
Scene 2: Meeting Joe Ramirez
EXT: ABANDONED PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Jake investigates Dr. Thornton's murder in an abandoned parking lot, meeting Joe Ramirez, the sole witness living in a camper shell among wrecks.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) Jake approaches the eerie, dimly lit parking lot, the air thick with tension.
Middle: (Superior Position) Joe provides a cryptic message about a “memory wipe,” hinting at advanced tech involved, while Jake remains skeptical but curious.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) Joe repeats Dr. Thornton's last words, "Memory restored," leaving Jake with a sense of unease and determination to dig deeper.
Scene 3: Cryptic Clue
EXT: CRIME SCENE – NIGHT
Using the Justice Glasses, a CSI marvel, Jake finds a cryptic clue at the crime scene, sparking his curiosity.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Jake discovers a piece of futuristic tech, a memory chip, hidden under a layer of dirt.
Middle: (Uncertainty) As Jake examines the chip, he contemplates its implications, recalling Joe's cryptic words.
Ending: (Mystery) Jake decides to take the memory chip to Maya for analysis, igniting his determination to uncover the truth.
Scene 4: Flashback to Partner's Death
INT: JAKE'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jake contemplates pursuing the case, torn between his desire for redemption and his inner demons, the guilt he suffers of shooting his partner in friendly fire.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Jake sits alone, staring at a photo of his deceased partner, his face etched with guilt.
Middle: (Mystery) Flashbacks show Jake's partner's death linked to a botched operation involving the Syndicate, revealing Jake's unresolved guilt.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Jake's decision to take on the case is influenced by a message from an anonymous source, urging him to look deeper and hinting at a drug called Alpha that can restore memories.
Scene 5: Studying the Clue
INT: MAYA'S LAB – NIGHT
Jake studies the clue and old case files, seeking answers.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Jake hands Maya the memory chip, watching intently as she begins her analysis.
Middle: (Mystery) The memory chip contains fragmented data pointing to illegal Syndicate operations and hints at a drug called Alpha that counters M.O.M. (Memory Obliterating Medication)
Ending: (Suspense) Jake and Maya realize the chip might hold the key to exposing the entire Syndicate network, igniting a sense of urgency.
Scene 6: Alliance with Maya and Adrian
INT: SAFE HOUSE – NIGHT
Jake forms an alliance with Maya and Adrian, leveraging their expertise in the investigation.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Jake and Maya meet Adrian in a dimly lit safe house, tension palpable.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Adrian, a former Syndicate member, reluctantly agrees to help in exchange for protection, creating an uneasy alliance.
Ending: (Suspense) The trio commits to uncovering the truth, despite the looming danger.
Scene 7: Therapy Session Revelation
INT: THERAPIST'S OFFICE – DAY
Jake's therapy session reveals the personal stakes of the investigation, adding to his internal conflict.
Beginning: (Intrigue) The therapist questions Jake's motives, probing deeper into his past.
Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Jake reveals his obsession with the case, his guilt over his partner's death surfacing.
Ending: (Suspense) The therapist warns Jake about the dangers of his obsession and addiction, hinting at a past attempt to solve the case that went wrong, intensifying Jake's internal conflict.
Scene 8: Veronica's Manipulation
INT: VERONICA'S OFFICE – NIGHT
Congress Woman and head of the Dominion Syndicate, Veronica Blackwood manipulates her underlings, hinting at her dual identity.
Beginning: (Superior Position) Veronica orders her underlings to cover their tracks, her demeanor cold and calculating.
Middle: (Betrayal) She wipes the memory of a Syndicate member who failed her, showcasing her ruthlessness.
Ending: (Mystery) Veronica's dual identity as a cunning criminal genius is hinted at, leaving the audience questioning her true motives.
Scene 9: Revisiting Joe Ramirez
EXT: ABANDONED PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Jake revisits Joe Ramirez for more details, delving deeper into the case.
Beginning: (Mystery) Jake finds Joe in his camper shell, the atmosphere tense and secretive.
Middle: (Intrigue) Joe reluctantly reveals he saw Dr. Thornton with a mysterious device before his murder, trying to inject him with Alpha.
Ending: (Suspense) The revelation about the mysterious device heightens the stakes, propelling Jake further into the investigation.

Scene 9B: More clues
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM – NIGHT
Jake and a medical examiner analyze evidence from a recent crime, leading to new insights.
Beginning: (Intrigue) The medical examiner shows Jake the latest autopsy results.
Middle: (Mystery) They find unusual markings on the victim linked to the Syndicate.
Ending: (Suspense) Jake receives a tip about a potential witness.
Scene 10: Stakeout at Syndicate Hideout
EXT: SYNDICATE HIDEOUT – NIGHT
The team conducts a stakeout at a suspected Syndicate hideout, facing danger and uncertainty.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) Jake, Maya, and Adrian set up a stakeout in a decrepit industrial area, the night shrouded in fog.
Middle: (Suspense) They witness a memory wipe in action, confirming their worst fears about the Syndicate's operations.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) The team's position is nearly compromised, leaving them on edge and determined to act swiftly.
Scene 11: Veronica's Inspection
INT: SECRET LAB – NIGHT
Veronica inspects the lab, hinting at her dual identity and ominous plans.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Veronica strides through the secret lab, overseeing the development of a new memory wipe device.
Middle: (Superior Position) She reviews progress, her calm exterior masking her ruthless intentions.
Ending: (Suspense) Veronica's plans for a more powerful memory wipe device are revealed, raising the stakes significantly.
Scene 12: Discovery of Crucial Evidence
INT: ABANDONED BUILDING – NIGHT
Jake finds evidence in a hidden compartment, uncovering a crucial piece of the puzzle.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) Jake searches a dilapidated building, his flashlight cutting through the darkness.
Middle: (Mystery) He uncovers a hidden compartment containing a list of people targeted for memory wipes, including Joe Ramirez and himself.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) The discovery leaves Jake reeling, the implications of the list hitting him hard.
Scene 13: Data Analysis Breakthrough
INT: MAYA'S LAB – NIGHT
Maya uncovers Syndicate operations information, providing valuable insights into their activities.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Maya works late into the night, piecing together fragmented data from the memory chip.
Middle: (Suspense) She discovers that the memory wipes are reversible, sparking hope that they can recover lost memories.
Ending: (Major Twist) Maya realizes the chip contains Dr. Thornton’s formula for Alpha and holds the key to exposing the entire Syndicate network, setting the stage for the final confrontation.
Scene 14: Preparation for Deeper Investigation
INT: SAFE HOUSE – DAY
Jake prepares for deeper investigation, strengthening bonds with Maya and Adrian.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Jake, Maya, and Adrian gather around a table filled with maps, blueprints, and data files, planning their next move.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Adrian teaches the team Syndicate tactics, revealing crucial survival techniques and Syndicate patterns, building a sense of camaraderie and urgency.
Ending: (Suspense) They agree on a plan to infiltrate a Syndicate safe house, knowing it’s their best chance to gather critical information.
Scene 15: Safe House Infiltration
EXT: SYNDICATE SAFE HOUSE – NIGHT
The team infiltrates a Syndicate safe house, facing danger and betrayal.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) The team approaches the heavily guarded Syndicate safe house under the cover of darkness, the air thick with tension.
Middle: (Suspense) Inside, they navigate through security measures and traps, discovering blueprints for a large-scale memory wipe intended to erase a significant part of the city’s population.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) They narrowly escape an ambush set by a Syndicate mole, barely making it out alive with the vital blueprints.
Scene 16: Struggle with Addiction
INT: JAKE'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jake's struggle with M.O.M. addiction threatens the mission, jeopardizing his team's safety.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Jake alone in his apartment, tempted by a hidden stash of drugs, the weight of his addiction pressing down on him.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) As Jake battles his urge, Maya arrives and catches him, leading to a tense and heartfelt confrontation about his addiction and their mission’s stakes.
Ending: (Major Twist) Jake, shaken but resolute, decides to flush the drugs, determined to stay clean for the sake of the mission and his own redemption.
Scene 17: Bonding with Maya
INT: MAYA'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jake and Maya bond over shared experiences, forging a deeper connection.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Jake and Maya sit in her small, cluttered apartment, an awkward silence hanging between them.
Middle: (Intrigue) Maya shares her own backstory of professional setbacks and personal losses, drawing parallels to Jake’s struggles, fostering a sense of understanding and mutual respect.
Ending: (Suspense) They share a moment of quiet determination, solidifying their partnership and resolve to take down the Syndicate.
Scene 18: Revelation of Adrian's Past
INT: SAFE HOUSE – DAY
Adrian reveals his past dealings, earning the team's trust and respect.
Beginning: (Mystery) The team gathers in the safe house, Adrian visibly hesitant as he prepares to share his past.
Middle: (Character Changes Radically) Adrian discloses that he helped design the memory wipe tech, now determined to undo his wrongs, shocking Jake and Maya but earning their trust.
Ending: (Intrigue) Adrian’s revelation provides crucial insight into the Syndicate’s operations, strengthening the team’s resolve and strategy.
Scene 19: Encounter with Syndicate Enforcer
EXT: BACK ALLEY – NIGHT
The team encounters a Syndicate enforcer, testing their resolve and unity.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) The team navigates a narrow, shadowy alley, the tension palpable.
Middle: (Suspense) A Syndicate enforcer ambushes them, resulting in a brutal fight where Jake's skills and Adrian's insider knowledge are put to the test.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) The enforcer warns Jake that Veronica is aware of his investigation and is coming for him, intensifying the danger.
Scene 20: Deterioration Due to Addiction
INT: SAFE HOUSE – NIGHT
Jake's addiction worsens, putting himself and his team in danger.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Jake, sweating and shaking, succumbs to his addiction in a moment of weakness.
Middle: (Suspense) Maya finds him, her anger and disappointment palpable, as Jake’s hallucinations blur the line between past and present, nearly compromising their location.
Ending: (Internal Dilemma) Jake's struggle becomes a critical turning point, prompting him to finally confront his addiction head-on.
Scene 21: Veronica's Intervention
INT: VERONICA'S OFFICE – NIGHT
Veronica prepares to intervene, escalating the conflict and raising the stakes.
Beginning: (Superior Position) Veronica, in her opulent office, orders a hit on Joe Ramirez to silence him permanently.
Middle: (Intrigue) She reviews a map of the city, marking key locations for the memory wipe, her plans more sinister than ever.
Ending: (Suspense) Veronica’s ruthless determination to crush Jake and his team sets a foreboding tone for the upcoming confrontation.
Scene 22: Lead Discovery
INT: MAYA'S LAB – NIGHT
A lead points to a major Syndicate operation, leading the team closer to the truth.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Maya analyzes recent data, her face lighting up as she uncovers a new lead.
Middle: (Suspense) The lead directs them to a secret facility where the final version of the memory wipe device is being developed, the stakes higher than ever.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) The team prepares for the high-risk operation, aware that this could be their only chance to stop Veronica and the Syndicate.
Scene 23: Major Evidence
EXT: SECRET FACILITY – NIGHT
Jake discovers major evidence linking the Syndicate to M.O.M. production, intensifying the stakes.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) The team infiltrates the heavily fortified secret facility, the tension palpable.
Middle: (Suspense) Jake finds documents and videos linking the Syndicate to M.O.M. production and plans for a city-wide memory wipe, the magnitude of the conspiracy dawning on him.
Ending: (Cliffhanger) As they gather the evidence, alarms blare, signaling their discovery and forcing a hasty retreat.
Scene 24: Veronica's Escalation
INT: VERONICA'S OFFICE – NIGHT
Veronica escalates her efforts to thwart Jake's investigation, posing a significant threat.
Beginning: (Superior Position) Veronica, furious, devises a plan to eliminate Jake and his team once and for all.
Middle: (Betrayal) She activates a sleeper agent within Jake’s team, ready to betray them at the critical moment.
Ending: (Suspense) Veronica's ruthless tactics push the conflict to a boiling point, leaving the audience on edge.
Scene 25: Haunted by the Past
INT: JAKE'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jake's past actions haunt him, creating tension within the team and hindering their progress.
Beginning: (Mystery) Jake, alone, experiences vivid flashbacks of his partner's death and their investigation into the memory wipe tech.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) These flashbacks blur into his current situation, his guilt and fear threatening to paralyze him.
Ending: (Intrigue) Maya confronts Jake, snapping him out of his reverie and reminding him of their mission’s importance.
Scene 26: Ambush
EXT: ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
An ambush results in casualties, dealing a major blow to Jake and his team.
Beginning: (Suspense) The team approaches an abandoned warehouse, unaware they are walking into a trap.
Middle: (Cliffhanger) An intense firefight ensues, resulting in the death of a key team member and Jake’s brief capture.
Ending: (Uncertainty) Jake narrowly escapes having his memory wiped, the close call intensifying his resolve to stop Veronica.
Scene 27: Devastating Setback
INT: SAFE HOUSE – NIGHT
Jake faces a devastating setback, questioning his abilities and resolve.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) The team, battered and demoralized, regroups at the safe house.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) Jake, grappling with guilt and self-doubt, questions whether he’s repeating past mistakes.
Ending: (Intrigue) Maya and Adrian’s support reignites Jake’s determination to see the mission through.
Scene 28: Regrouping INT: SAFE HOUSE – NIGHT
The team regroups after a critical failure, determined to push forward despite the odds.
Beginning: (Suspense) The team plans their next move, the atmosphere tense but focused. Middle: (Intrigue) Adrian suggests using the memory reversal technology to restore the memories of key witnesses, a risky but necessary strategy. Ending: (Cliffhanger) With renewed determination, they prepare for the final confrontation, knowing the stakes have never been higher.
Scene 29: Betrayal
INT: SAFE HOUSE – NIGHT
Betrayal within the team adds to the sense of despair, straining their relationships and trust.
Beginning: (Intrigue) The team works late into the night, unaware of the impending betrayal.
Middle: (Betrayal) A team member is revealed to be a Syndicate mole, their betrayal causing chaos and distrust.
Ending: (Suspense) The remaining members, though shaken, resolve to continue the mission, their trust in each other strengthened by adversity.
Scene 30: Confrontation with Therapist
INT: THERAPIST'S OFFICE – DAY
Jake confronts his guilt and addiction, wrestling with his inner demons and seeking redemption.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Jake returns to his therapist, the weight of his guilt and addiction heavy on his shoulders.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) In a heated session, Jake confronts his past, his therapist pushing him to acknowledge his mistakes and seek redemption.
Ending: (Intrigue) Jake leaves the session with a renewed sense of purpose, determined to see the mission through to the end.
Scene 31: Showdown with Veronica
EXT: VERONICA'S SECRET LAB – NIGHT
The final showdown with Veronica in her secret lab.
Beginning: (Suspense) Jake, Maya, and Adrian approach Veronica’s heavily guarded lab, the tension palpable.
Middle: (Cliffhanger) A fierce battle ensues, with Jake facing off against Veronica in a high-stakes confrontation.
Ending: (Major Twist) Veronica reveals her ultimate plan to erase the memories of everyone in the city, her ruthlessness and determination pushing Jake to his limits.
Scene 32: Climax
INT: VERONICA'S SECRET LAB – NIGHT
The climax where Jake confronts Veronica and the Syndicate's true leader, pushing the narrative to its peak.
Beginning: (More Interesting Setting) The confrontation in the high-tech lab, the atmosphere charged with tension and danger.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Jake and Veronica engage in a battle of wits and strength, the fate of countless lives hanging in the balance.
Ending: (Suspense) Jake overpowers Veronica, revealing the true leader of the Syndicate, who had manipulated events from the shadows, setting up a potential sequel.
Scene 33: Resolution
EXT: CITY SKYLINE – DAWN
The aftermath of the climactic showdown, wrapping up loose ends and hinting at future challenges.
Beginning: (Mystery) Jake, Maya, and Adrian watch the sunrise over the city, the weight of their journey visible on their faces.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) They reflect on their losses and victories, the cost of their mission evident.
Ending: (Intrigue) Jake receives a mysterious message hinting at another Syndicate plot, setting up the potential for future adventures.
Scene 34: Epilogue
INT: JAKE'S APARTMENT – DAY
Jake’s epilogue, highlighting his personal growth and the ongoing struggle against the Syndicate.
Beginning: (Character Changes Radically) Jake, now clean and more focused, reflects on his journey and the people he’s lost and found along the way.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Despite the victory, the shadow of the Syndicate looms large, and Jake knows the fight is far from over.
Ending: (Suspense) Jake receives a tip about another Syndicate operation, his determination reignited, setting the stage for a potential continuation of the story.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Robin Fellows.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Robin Fellows.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Robin Fellows.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Robin Fellows.

[Edward Lusk]

Hi Robin, would like to exchange feedback with me? Thanks.

[Lee Tidball]

Hi all! My name's Lee, and I'm looking for feedback–and to give you some feedback too! Here's what my story's about.
Title: TOUGH ASSIGNMENT
Genre: Action/Thriller
Concept: An ex-Green Beret turned teacher at a Sierra Nevada outdoor school faces her most challenging mission ever when a radical militia group uses an old mining town as headquarters to perpetrate a nationwide cyber attack, taking her students, including her own nephew, hostage when they hike there for their California gold rush lesson.
Contact me at leetidball@mac.com or on this forum if you'd like to exchange. Looking forward to it!

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Lee Tidball.

[Robin Fellows]

Lee, I’d like to exchange feedback with you. I sent you an email to this effect.

[Elle Tracy]

Hello All,

ET's Outline Exchange ONE
Title: Senior STEAM
Written By: Elle Tracy
E-mail address: ReelCaviezel@gmail.com
Genre: Drama
Concept: Can residents of a retirement community work with neighboring STEAM teens to collaborate and work together?
Outline: 39 scenes

Thx! in advance. Please contact the e-mail above if interested — Messages on the Forum is way over my head!

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Elle Tracy.

[Pat Fitzgerald]

Pat's Outline Exchange, One
Hi all,
I have a dark comedy called Retirement Pillage.
Concept: When a thrill-seeking woman moves to a retirement village she discovers a new slew of thrills by ending lives of the folks whom she deems unworthy of continuing to live.
I’m willing to look at any genre except sci-fi, just because I don’t know enough about sci-fi to do it justice.
If you’re interested in exchanging outlines please email me at: peggi_oh@yahoo.com.
Thanks in advance.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Pat Fitzgerald.

[David Zelitzky]

I’m almost ready to exchange! Anyone interested please let me know – thanks!
David Z’s Outline Exchange 1
Title: Hell’s Diner
Written By: David Zelitzky
Email address: dzdogs@hotmail.com
Genre: Horror
Concept: : In small town American where the new drug, Devil Dust, has decimated the youth, Tessa has sworn to always stay clean but when Chris, her brother is taken down that deadly path by her lying, ambitious boyfriend, Mick, she has the gut-wrenching choice of either saving him by descending into that deadly world or trying to preserve her own life.

[jon brown]

Title: The Time Tourist
Genre: Science Fiction/Time Travel
Concept: A journalist covering the opening of a new resort learns that it won’t be built for 200 years, and she will be the first guest.

[Terrie Shaft]

Jon – I've got a sci-fi/comedy would you like to exchange feedback – writernm@yahoo.com

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Terrie Shaft.

[Harry Rankin]

Hi All…. I'm a bit late to the party!

Title: GENESIS
Written by: Harry Rankin
Email: rankin.harry@gmail.com
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Concept: Against a backdrop of worldwide civil unrest and climate danger, a couple consummate their love off planet at the International Launch Project. When disaster strikes, leaving them alone and isolated in space, they become the focus of the world’s attention as they deal with their biggest challenge yet: childbirth orbit.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Harry Rankin.

[Terrie Shaft]

Hello everyone:
I’m Terrie. I’ve got a sci-fi/comedy with the title “Freaky Fusion Swap”.
Concept: An alien crashes into an off-the-grid hippie's house and they accidentally swap bodies.
If you’d like to exchange feedback with me, please let me know at:
writernm@yahoo.com

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Terrie Shaft.

[Mary Spiers]

Hi All, I have the following. If you'd like to exchange please email me.
Title: Symphony in Color 

Written By: Mary Spiers

Email address: mspierswriter@verizon.net

Genre: Drama with fantasy elements

Concept: When a musician is struck by lightening, her new ability to see sounds leads her into the wilderness to search for a musical secret to break a generational curse.


• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Mary Spiers.

[James Hernandez]

Hello, my fellow cinematic literary engineers,
Would anyone like to exchange outlines?
Title: My Valentine's Day Algorithm
Written By: James A. Hernandez
Email address: jamester627@hotmail.com
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Concept: An aging bachelor starts to fall for the computer genius who’s hired to help him find his love match through an algorithm by Valentine’s Day.
I'm in the U.S. eastern time zone if anyone is concerned about time difference.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  James Hernandez.

[Deni sher]

Hello all, I have a thriller dark comedy NOT a horror, though I do think some scenes will be horrific.
It’s called GROUNDS FOR MURDER
Concept: What if drinking coffee mixed with cremation ashes of a hit-man drives you to commit murder?
If you’d like to exchange, my email is denibsher@gmail.com. This is my first thriller as I wanted a challenge.
Thanks in advance!
Deni

[Michael Collado]

Hi everyone, I am looking to exchange outlines for feedback 2.

Title: Smart Ball

Written By: Michael Collado

Email address: ColladoM22@gmail.com

Genre: Dramedy

Concept: A suspended female junior detective coaches a team of brainiac misfits on how to play baseball with science, math, and physics. Then she uncovers that one of the Little League’s corporate sponsors is using the kids as lab rats to test their secret nanotechnology breakthrough.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Michael Collado.

[Kristin Donnan]

Hi all,

Sorry I am so late in posting, but I’ve got a black comedy / mystery about a rural ranch family. Would love to exchange at least once before Thursday, if anyone is interested! kd@kristindonnan.com.

Thanks!

[Jan Westbrook]

I know I am laaaaaate in the feedback process. Even though we are writing our scripts already, is anyone willing to exchange feedback?
Jan's Outline Exchange 1
Title: Eveandor’s Numinous Amulet
Written By: Jan Westbrook
Email address: jwestbrook3@gmail.com
Genre: Fantasy
Concept: If the halo-moon cycle ends before her pixie alliance restores Eveandor’s shattered numinous amulet, Emberleaf will be magicless, lose her queendom, and be forever vulnerable and defenseless

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by  Jan Westbrook.

[Sylvia Krawczyk]

Hey all, I won’t be exchanging with the group at this Module.

WIM+AI – Module 4 – Lesson 11: Time to Exchange Feedback
Sylvia’s Outline Exchange 1

Title: Identity Crisis
Written By: Sylvia Krawczyk
Email address: SMKrawczyk33@earthlink.net
Genre: Romantic Thriller
Concept = An artist's unexpected reunion with her first love reveals mutual passion that turns to sinister betrayal leading to a crises that unravels her life.