Lesson 11

[Paul Hallasy]

Paul Hallasy’s Query Letter Draft ONE
How far would you go to see a band before they die?
Paul is a middle-aged, gay stand-up comedian whose dream is to attend the New Wave festival of ’80s bands in LA. Unfortunately, he gets laid off from his day job and also has to deal with a homophobic neighbor and a health crisis that lands him in the hospital.

Will he be able to attend his dream concert, or will he have to sell his ticket and give up on his dream?
Although he does eventually make it to the New Wave festival, when he returns to New York he’s still unemployed and being harassed by his neighbor.
Now he has to decide: Is living in New York really worth it or should he go back to LA?
If you’d like to read my screenplay, please let me know.
BIO: I’m a stand-up comedian and the author of a book, a blog and a one-man show.

[Brian Bull]

How far would you go to see a band before they die?

This is an intriguing proposition? I asked myself, “Distance-wise or does he (you/Paul) mean, obstacle-wise?” So, I think you have succeeded in grabbing my attention and making me read the next sentence.


Paul is a middle-aged, gay stand-up comedian whose dream is to attend the New Wave festival of ’80s bands in LA.

The first thing that jumped out at me was, “PAUL.” That’s the same name as the writer. That’s weird. Is this some sort of autobiography or something? Is that your intention? I found this to be a distraction and confusing. I’m not sure if that’s what you want, but that’s my reaction. I would suggest changing the name unless that’s where you’re going with this…

Unfortunately, he gets laid off from his day job and also has to deal with a homophobic neighbor and a health crisis that lands him in the hospital.

You use the word, “Unfortunately.” I feel EMPATHY for your character. He lost his job, he has a bad neighbor, and he has health issues. For me, those are ALL reasons for him TO go to LA and attend the NEW WAVE festival.

I might suggest… “Paul’s world crashes in around him including a trip to the hospital; feeling self-doubt about attending the festival and contemplating selling his ticket, Paul digs deep within and makes the trip!

Faced with his return to New York and a world of chaos, Paul must decide whether to stay or go back to LA.”

Will he be able to attend his dream concert, or will he have to sell his ticket and give up on his dream?
Although he does eventually make it to the New Wave festival, when he returns to New York he’s still unemployed and being harassed by his neighbor.
Now he has to decide: Is living in New York really worth it or should he go back to LA?
If you’d like to read my screenplay, please let me know.
BIO: I’m a stand-up comedian and the author of a book, a blog and a one-man show.

I do want to know more about your story and character. I am very curious about how attending the festival, and seeing “the band,” changed him. I am confident that something very traumatic happened at the show that changed Paul forever. So your query letter might want to focus more on the Transformational Journey.

I’m not sure if your Query Letter is going to make a Producer want to read it. I think there are some BIG PICTURE hooks in your story that you’re not putting into the letter.

I hope you find this helpful and not hurtful – I think there’s more to your story.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Brian Bull.

[Brian Bull]

BRIAN BULL – Query Letter Draft ONE

What I learned today is… I think I'm ready to start sending this out to Producers.

ASSIGNMENT
Post your query letter and exchange critiques.
Do one more edit of your query letter, focusing on your script’s hooks.

Dear (friend/producer) –
There's over 50 million fishermen in the US as of 2022, I’ve written a script for them.

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY – A Fisherman’s Tale
Drama

A fisherman seeks revenge, but instead finds himself on the hook.

Deep in the Louisiana bayous, a fisherman’s determined to catch and kill the catfish he blames for his brother’s death.

For 25 years, the fisherman has been haunted with the loss of his younger brother, but in order to get on with his life, he must decide between carrying out vengeance or passing on the fishing legacy to his son.

In a final effort, the fisherman decides to change the bait to the Rotisserie chicken he bought at the Trading Post, unbeknownst to him, it’s the same chicken he had used when his brother disappeared.

Ironically, in the end, the fisherman realizes just before the massive catfish engulfs him, it was he that got away!!!

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BRIAN BULL
424 / 205-7277 cell phone
bullsproductionservices@gmail.com

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Brian Bull. Reason: Formatting - didn't post correctly
• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Brian Bull. Reason: I originally posted this as Assignment 10B
• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Brian Bull. Reason: Typo
• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  Brian Bull.