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Lesson 11 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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72 Replies
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Michael Christopher, Query Letter Draft 1
Title: THE PERFECT LOVER
Genre: Romantic Comedy
In search of the perfect lover, a woman gets a sexed up AI robot and tangles with its human doppelganger.
When Laura gets dumped by her childhood sweetheart, she decides to give up relationships, well at least the talking part of it.
Then a friend tunes her in to a new kind of designer AI robot that does it all, literally.
Problem solved, but not so fast, she bumps into the robot’s doppelganger, Russel. The robot’s AI is challenging enough, throwing in a Human doppelganger puts it over the top. Of course it frustrates the hell out of Russel, having to compete with a robot and it ends up blowing up the whole affair.
Lesson learned, you can’t force love. So to keep her sanity, she falls back on her other love, working with horses. What better environment for a white knight to come riding in.
If my concept suits you, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: My style is outside the box, instead of contests, I worked with a development person at the Page Awards and earned a consider rating on my script. As far as writing a story about the perfect lover goes, I’m spending my whole life contemplating it.
Michael Aiden Christopher
631-405-8938
PO Box 1090
Aquebogue NY 11931
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Lesson 11 Query Letter Draft 2
Title: THE PERFECT LOVER
Genre: Romantic Comedy
In search of the perfect lover, a woman gets a sexed up AI robot and tangles with its human doppelganger.
After Laura gets dumped by her childhood sweetheart she decides she’s gonna be in the driver’s seat. The game plan, no more relationships, well at least the talking part of it.
Then a friend tunes her in to a new kind of designer AI robot that does it all, literally.
Problem solved, but not so fast, she bumps into the robot’s doppelganger, Russel. The robot’s AI is challenging enough, but throwing in a human doppelganger puts it over the top. Of course it frustrates the hell out of Russel, having to compete with a robot and it ends up blowing up the whole affair.
Lesson learned, you can’t force love. Accepting it’s not meant to be, she moves on to her other love, working with horses. What better environment for a white knight to come riding in.
If my concept suits you, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: My style is outside the box, instead of contests, I worked with a development person at the Page Awards and earned a consider rating on my script. As far as writing a story about the perfect lover goes, maybe I should make it an autobiography (oops, too much information).
Michael Aiden Christopher
631-405-8938
PO Box 1090
Aquebogue NY 11931
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I forgot to add this, but better late than never.
What I learned doing this assignment is, the importance of writing a query letter that will focus on hooks and be interesting to people who don’t already know the story.
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Hi Michael,
What a fun concept! I love Rom Coms and I can definitely picture this as a movie I’d like to see. I have a couple of small suggestions that could help clarify your hooks:
Sentence: Then a friend tunes her in to a new kind of designer AI robot that does it all, literally. I had to read this sentence a couple of times to get it. Suggestion: instead of “tunes her in” how about “turns her on to…” Could the double entendre could read clearer and funnier?
Also, consider clarifying this hook: Accepting it’s not meant to be, she moves on to her other love, working with horses. What better environment for a white knight to come riding in. (I’m making the assumption that you’ve set up Lauran’s love of horses in the first act.) So, would it read clearer to say: Accepting that love with Mr. Perfect is not meant to be, Laura moves on to her first love, working with horses. What better environment for a white knight to come riding in.
I hope this helps. Wishing you all the best.
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Thanks Cassie I’ll keep that in mind. Lately I’m trying to go back to what I wrote and imagine someone else reading it to see if it’s clear what I’m trying to say.
Michael Christopher
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Hi Michael,
Rom-Com is my favorite genre and I think you have conjured up a fabulous and unique concept. I like the title, too. I have a few suggestions. In the second line, I don’t think you need “of it”. The third line is a bit confusing. I would tighten it to “So, a friend hooks her up with the latest AI design, a robot that does it all, literally! (wink, wink)” Rather than repeating the word “doppelganger”, you might replace one with “human replica” or “human lookalike”. I think you need a “?” after “riding in” which is a great hooky sentence. You could add to “,,, you can’t force love, even with modern mechanics.” Just a thought. In your bio, I would clarify if the “consider” was for this project. Good job including several intriguing hooks. A producer should snap this up. It really sounds like fun!
Connie
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Thanks Constance
I like your suggestions, I pasted them into my notes for the next draft I’ll actual send to producers.
Michael Christopher
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Hi Michael
Like Connie, I think you have a great concept and I can totally see the movie in my mind. The only question I had was if you’d left the ending ambiguous deliberately so that the producer would ask (as I seem to think that was mentioned in one of the previous assignments). It does sound like fun, and I think your unconventional way of developing the script gives it additional credibility.
Good luck!
Joy
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Thanks Joy, and yes it was deliberate to show there’s a white knight but at the same time to suggest it’s a surprise.
Michael Christopher
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Hi Michael,
In the second draft the hooks seem clearer. Love that the human is seriously challenged by the robot. That is fun. It’s been commented that producers would love this and I agree.
Kathleen
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Thank you too Kathleen, everyone has written so may nice things about it, I’m on a high from it.
Michael Christopher
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Heather’s query letter Draft 2
What I learned from this lesson was: something we didn’t cover in class. I just found out that the person I want to pitch this to is working with a good friend of mine right now. Since I can’t find information on his production company, but he is the actor I was hoping might play in the lead, should I ask her to ask him where I might send the query to? Then I assume I tailor the query directly to him. Does anyone have any experience with this?
Title: Absolution
Genre: Drama
Imagine a world where a pregnant teen would throw herself off a cliff, rather than bring a child into a community where she sees no hope for its future. That’s the opening scene in Absolution, a drama that explores Canada’s legacy of the residential schools. Of them, St. Anne’s in Ontario was the worst. They even had a homemade electric chair set up in the basement.
<font face=”inherit”>Father John Ambrose has struggled with the memories of witnessing rape and murder </font>committed at St. Anne’s<font face=”inherit”>. Now facing his own demise from cancer, he needs to apologize and seek forgiveness from the Cree for staying silent. Especially from the woman he loved as a young priest.</font>
The Vatican certainly doesn’t want these dark secrets exposed. It would be better if Ambrose died…a little sooner.
Absolution asks the question ‘how do you keep your faith when those who represent God continue to sin?’ I have worked as a psych nurse with Indigenous women’s shelters for over 25 years, dealing directly with the trauma of residential school survivors.
If you like the concept, may I send you the script?
Sincerely,
Heather Hood
And this is the reworked query after working with Joan Butler (my undying thanks)
A pregnant First Nations teen throws herself off a cliff in despair for the future of her unborn child.
That’s the opening scene of Absolution, a drama that explores one of the worst residential schools in Canada from the point of view of a man who can no longer live with his conscious: Father John Ambrose.
He witnessed the rape and murder of one hundred and sixty-three First Nation’s children yet said nothing.
Now, facing his own demise from cancer, he must apologize and seek forgiveness from the Cree, especially the woman he loved as a young priest.
But the Vatican would rather see Ambrose die…a little sooner.
As a psychiatric nurse I have worked with survivors of residential schools for 25 years. This script is based on a true story I have the rights to.
If you like the concept, may I send you the script?
Sincerely,
Heather Hood
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The reworked letter is simple, but very compelling and seems to capture all the right hooks. I totally get your concept. Hope you get tons of script requests!
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Hi Heather
All through the course I’ve thought how powerful your script sounds – definitely a profound movie. I think the first draft of your letter definitely works, but the second one really packs a punch with the simple but impactful phrases you’ve used.
In terms of the actor, what did you decide to do? I would have said go for it, as opportunities like that don’t come up very often. If you don’t want to send the pitch with your friend directly, perhaps your friend could ask if you could connect via a social media platform to learn a bit more about each other before then pitching?
I definitely feel it’s a story that needs to be told.
Good luck!
Joy
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Sorry – just re-read it – the only thing I might change is putting that it’s based on a true story even earlier, as that makes the dramatic opening even more so.
Maybe: “That’s the opening scene of Absolution, a drama based on a true story that explores…”
Then I’d leave the sentence at the end as it is, as it reminds them of the true story element and confirms you have the rights.
I was just thinking about movie trailers, and that’s often the first thing you see come up ‘based on a true story’.
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Hi Heather,
The second version is clear and to the point. You get right to the terrific hooks.
Congrats.
Kathleen
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Hi Heather,
I also think you have a strong hook having the rights to this powerful story.
Also, contact the actor. I just did that w/a Colombian actor and she immediately responded requesting the script.
Good luck.
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Hi Heather,
Oh my goodness! I want to see this movie and find out what happened between the priest and the woman he loved. Also, I’m dying to watch the Archdiocese intrigue unfold. You hooked me in your first draft, but your second draft is more specific, more visual and more powerful. I’m sure you’ll get lots of responses to your query. I can’t think of anything that could make your work better.
Bon chance! Wishing you the very best
Cassie
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Cassie Richardson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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To Michael Christopher
this sounds exactly like something Hollywood would snap up and make. I can already see it as a movie from what you have written here. The second version is slightly more descriptive. But either one works for me.
It gets the concept across in a nutshell without being too wordy. The characters are sketched enough that you can get an idea of them and their conflict. it’s a nice little package that makes me want to ask for the script. Nice job.
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To Heather Hood
So happy you liked my story, and thanks for such a well written critique.
I liked your story too, very strong hook dilemmas all the way through it. You also managed to squeeze in some intrigue in the Vatican reference. Your question in the end is especially strong, it’s something that hits home for me every day.
The only thing I would suggest is, instead of stating, “that’s the opening scene”, maybe change to, “you don’t have to imagine, as it happens in Resolution”, and then the rest as you wrote.
Good Luck
Michael Christopher
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Sorry Heather, I wrote Resolution instead of Absolution.
Would you consider changing your title? No, just kidding!
Michael Christopher
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What I learned – Focus on hooks
Title: Chasing Love
Genre: Faith/Family
Sometimes is life, people mistake what’s true love. Would you agree?
Nine-year-old Chase Little tries to save his parents’ marriage by ‘finding love’. The main problem — he believes love is a pop star.
Chase and his fourth-grade classmates are given an assignment to help others in need. Chase decides to help his parents. He journeys to find Love, a pop star, and lands miles from home. He befriends a homeless man who assists him throughout his journey.
Chase’s parents report him missing. Police believe his homeless friend abducted him and launch a search. Chase continues his quest to save his parents’ marriage, and he finds the pop star.
While she isn’t the love his parents need, Chase discovers through his journey a valuable message about forgiveness, kindness, and the right love that is necessary for his parents’ relationship to work.
This project has wide audience appeal and a great role for a real-life bankable pop star.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Tenill Ransom
678-358-9760
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Hi Tenill
I really like your concept – kind of like Home Alone but a road/buddy movie. The names are great too, and that makes the title really work.
To be super picky, I think the first line should read ‘Sometimes in life’ – no doubt it’s just a typo, but just in case you do what I do and copy and paste it into an email… Still in the ‘super picky’ category, I’d put a ‘the’ in front of Police, so “Chase’s parents report him missing. The Police believe his homeless friend…”
I’m trying not to ask the questions that I’m thinking, as that’s what the assignment said not to do, but you’ve definitely got me curious in terms of what he ends up and the adventures he gets up to – so I think you’ve got a great query letter there!
Good luck!
Joy
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Hi Tenill,
Awww. What a cute concept. I would definitely watch your movie. I’m getting ET vibes for some reason. 😊 Your letter is really well written and packed with hooks.
If I had to make a suggestion, it would be to clarify this sentence: Nine-year-old Chase Little tries to save his parents’ marriage by ‘finding love’. I’m guessing Chase overhears the parents say they need to “find love,” so would it read better to say “bringing love back into their home?” That’s all I’ve got…I’m reaching.
Bravo. Wishing you the very best.
Cassie
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Connie’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this exercise is… to keep honing the query to make it irresistible.
Dear <Producer>,
Given your success with <Shall We Dance>, I thought you might have an interest in my Rom-Com entitled Love Dance.
Feisty divorcee, Daisy Duncan has sworn off men forever!
She’s obsessed with winning the over-50 National Dance Contest, but needs a new partner – pronto! Daisy’s whacky old daddy comes to the rescue, and sends her a hunky candidate,
Buck, his personal penis pump salesman!
Against her best intentions, Daisy starts to fall for him, and they practice hard for the contest. When she heads to Dallas for the finals, he’s a no-show. She angrily ghosts him, but has no idea he’s been critically injured in a motorcycle accident.
Can Daisy ultimately win the contest AND the love lottery?
If you like the story, I would be happy to send you the screenplay. I think it is important to share hopeful stories of love in the third act of life.
Bio: I’m an optioned screenwriter with a script in development and I’ve lived the Love Dance.
Constance Barr
503-750-0304
mcb.connie@gmail.com
https://pro.imdb.com/constancebarrhttps://www.linkedin.com/in/conniebarr
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Hi Constance, I read your Q-letter. We have things in common, similar stories and a wacky sense of humor. Sounds good to me!
Michael Christopher
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Hi Connie
Your concept sounds like loads of fun, and I love the tongue twister of ‘personal penis pump salesman’. When you talk about Daisy starting to fall for him against her best intentions, I was picturing Mr Darcy when he confesses his love for Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice!
I’m wondering if that sentence could be a little clearer – does she fall for him as they practice, or does he win her over somehow before she agrees to be his dance partner? Or is it just because she is dead set on winning the competition?
How about: With no other potential partners that can dance like she can, Daisy and Buck practice hard for the contest. Daisy finds herself fighting her feelings and beginning to fall for Buck, against her better judgement.
or maybe: With nothing on her mind but the dance contest trophy, Daisy and Buck practice constantly, and despite resisting Daisy finds herself falling for Buck.
I mentioned to someone else about ‘telling the ending’ as I think that’s been mentioned in one of the assignments. Not sure if it was about the query letter or for face-to-face pitches.
Congrats on being optioned – I hope it all goes well, and good luck with Love Dance!
Joy
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Thank you, Joy, You make some good points,
.Cheers,C onnie
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Hi Constance,
I really like the story and your beginning – acknowledging the Producer’s work.
Maybe one more hook about Buck – does he find her, remember her. Gives me a lead into the ending.
Good luck!
Kathleen
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Good aspects to consider. Thanks for sharing your insights.
Connie
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Hi Constance,
I love Rom Coms, so I’m totally here for your concept. This sounds like the beginnings of a great movie.
One thing for you to consider is moving up the snippet about the characters being in the third act of their lives. I believe producers and actors are looking for these types of stories! Also, consider this punctuation tweak – hunky candidate:
The phrasing “wacky old daddy” is a little confusing, but I’d request the script to find out more about it.
(Penis pump salesman – hahahaha! Practice hard – hahahaha!)
Great concept! Wishing you the very best.
Cassie
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Thanks so much, Cassie. Great suggestions.
Connie
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Joy Smith’s Query Letter Draft ONE
Subject: FIRST LAW
Dear Producer
Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would.
An ambitious journalist whose entire life revolves around work, Cleo has an explosive scoop in her sights: deliberate overuse of medication at psychiatric care homes. Cleo knows she can help people by exposing the malpractice and advance her career at the same time.
Her friends tell her it’s a bad idea and her boss refuses the assignment – but Cleo goes anyway. After all, it’s not like insanity is contagious! But instead of an easy return to her keyboard (and cat!) Cleo finds her Editor is preoccupied with the paper and her inside contacts are arrested.
Now, she is given real brain-altering medication.
Cleo must find a way to survive in the care home, as she tries to prove her real identity and her roommates insanity starts to catch hold of her as well.
If you like the concept of First Law, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Yours faithfully,
Joy Smith
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Hello Joy,
What a compelling concept you have created! You have some great hooks. I would suggest a slightly different term for the facility where Cleo finds herself. A Care Home is generally for seniors (I worked in that industry for a few years). A psychiatric hospital or facility for the Mentally ill, Group Home. Perhaps a bit of Googling to find the best name. I love this line, “After all, it’s not like insanity is contagious! But instead of an easy return to her keyboard (and cat!)” I’m a bit confused about the title and what genre it is.
Good luck with advancing this fun story.
Connie
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Hi Connie
Thanks – I went for ‘care home’ as I really disliked the term ‘institution’ and felt that was really old fashioned, but yes, some googling would definitely help.
The title is because the sickness sort of transfers from her room mate to her. It’s a reference to the first law of thermodynamics, that energy can’t be created or destroyed, just changed from one form to another – but I haven’t explained that in the pitch!
Also, thanks for saying about the genre, as I had left that out to see if it was obvious.
Thanks for your very useful feedback, I’ll try a rewrite and post that.
Joy
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Hi Joy,
Wow what a dramatic thriller! With mental health being what it is in the US, this is a very timely and provocative concept. You’ve included great hooks. So, your letter flows well and is very intriguing.
If I had to pick something, you might want to consider tweaking “her boss refuses the assignment – but Cleo goes anyway.” Would “Her boss warns her to stay away from the assignment….” make this set-up stronger?
Also, don’t forget the apostrophe in this sentence – “…and her roommate’s insanity catches hold of her as well.” (I also suggest deleting a couple of words to increase the sentence’s action).
Well done! Wishing you the very best of luck.
Cassie
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What I learned in this assignment is: it’s go time.
Caveat: I write introduction letters all of the time but since there is not a clear example of the order of the elements requested by the assignment, this may have parts transposed. Also, is the second draft post-critique? Apologies, classmates, if I’m missing something. Grazie.
Cody Jarrett’s Query Letter Draft One
Question: How can three female friends get revenge on their lying, cheating husbands?
Answer: Hit ’em where it really hurts — not the D, or the wallet… but on the softball field!
Hi, Steve!
It’s Cody Jarrett.
We’ve never met, so some quick background: I’m a writer/director who just finished post on “TURA!”, a documentary with John Waters and Margaret Cho. My previous film was Sugar Boxx, which first aired on Showtime and is now having a pandemic-era resurgence, logging over 32 million views on it’s most popular streaming channel. Myman Greenspan have been my attorneys for years.
In any event, WEST HOLLYWOOD COUGARS is an over-the-top fun, sexy comedy.
Three housewives (40’s) are divorced by their cheating husbands whose favorite pastime (besides screwing their secretaries) is playing on their softball team. So the wives form their own team, the WEST HOLLYWOOD COUGARS, to get their husbands’ attention.
The rag-tag Cougars are terrible until they discover an all-star pitcher in one of their players; then they start winning and become instant media darlings. The husbands try every low-life trick imaginable to stop them, but come championship day it’s the wives vs. the husbands.
Taking a cue from the husbands’ dirty playbook, the Cougars publicly expose the husbands’ antics during the playoff game and cinch a last-inning victory, while simultaneously ruining their husbands’ lives. Sort of First Wives’ Club on the softball field, but with the female camaraderie and heartfelt transformation of League of Their Own.
If you like the concept I’ll be happy to send over the script. My contact information is below.
Thank you, Steve! Have a great day!
Yours truly,
Cody Jarrett
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Hi Joy,
I love a good mystery and you have all the elements. Please clarify if the genre is mystery or horror.
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Hi Kathleen
That’s great, thanks! It is a thriller with a bit of mystery in there, but I wanted to see if that came across in the pitch. Will have to change it a little and see if I can improve it.
Thanks!
Joy
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Hi Cody,
Hey! Hey! A women-forward comedy similar to First Wives Club – I am here for it!!!
Your cover letter flows well. I would suggest that you cut the phrase “we’ve never met” and lead with your huge success story that seems to be closer to the project you’re pitching. How about this: (I’m guessing at the date and facts…but you get the picture, right?)
Hi Steve!
It’s writer/director Cody Jarrett, here: My 2020 film, Sugar Boxx, is logging over 32 million views on Showtinme’s most popular streaming channel. I just finished post on “TURA!”, a documentary with John Waters and Margaret Cho. And, Myman Greenspan has been my attorney for years.
My next project, WEST HOLLYWOOD COUGARS…
Another suggestion: Secretaries are now called admins 😊
One more. Consider tweaking by deleting “but” and “female” from this sentence: (FWC’s theme is friendship, right?). Sort of First Wives’ Club on the softball field with the camaraderie and heartfelt transformation of League of Their Own.
Also, watch your style…are you using all caps for movie titles? Or using quotations? Consider making this consistent.
I hope this helps. Can’t wait to see your movie on the screen! Wishing you the very best.
Cassie
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Cassie,
Thank you! These are excellent observations, and I already know I’ll be using them… Sincerely appreciated. Break a leg with everything!
Cody
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Hi Cody,
I like everything below your introduction: We’ve never met….
Its a good hook but I think you are saying too much… Probably nothing wrong with it.
I would enjoy watching this movie with a box of popcorn.
WKS
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Thanks, Walter. Based on your and Cassie’s notes, I definitely know what to remove from this! Most appreciated and best of luck to you.
Cody
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Hi Cody
I love the lesson that it’s go time! Yes!
I was also not sure if we were supposed to post our rewritten one first, but have posted the first draft and am going to post the rewrite now.
You did mention that the layout might not be quite right – does the letter start at ‘Hi, Steve!’ or with the question and answer?
I’d start with the concept/hooks first and put the introduction at the end. I’d want the producer to love the project first, and then hit them with the credibility that you have to really make them want to request the script from there. I’d remove the age for the housewives, as if they immediately think of an actor for the role while reading it, you don’t want to discourage that.
The only other question I had was is the ‘cougars’ in the team name a reference to the wives’ new lifestyle (i.e. have they started to screw around with younger men?) If so, I’d say that, as it makes the name more relevant and the fact that the age is in there.
I’m being picky, but I think overall you have a great concept and a strong pitch, plus your previous experience. I’d love to watch this movie and I hope it’s snapped up in no time!
Good luck!
Joy
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Hi, Joy
Thank you. I appreciate it. These are all good notes, worth addressing.
Break a leg as well,
Cody
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1/26/23 – ASSIGNMENT – QUERY LETTER CRITIQUE DRAFT 1
Kathleen O’Neill – Query Letter Draft ONE
Dear Person,
BIO: I’m Kathleen O’Neill. My family has been blessed with many adoptions and when I heard a story about a frightening experience I knew I wanted to explore that in a film. So began My Mother Es Mi Madre.
Judas Priest! I don’t exist!
The eldest of five in a wonderful family she adores, a successful architect and partnered with the love of her life discovers she is adopted and that her entire life is a lie.
When a journey that takes Jessica McHale from New York to Medellin, Colombia, a mother who thought that she died at birth, a grandmother who put her out for adoption and a family who doesn’t know that she exists combines with her adoptive family showing up to reclaim their much-loved daughter and sibling, family secrets explode.
The initial obstacles to finding her birth mother pale in comparison to bringing the two families together. The consequences of the betrayals result in revelations for everyone.
We love family stories because it is a quest we take no matter our culture. Who am I? Why do I exist? Our family forever informs and provides incentive for the pursuit. My Mother Es Mi Madre explores that dynamic journey.
If you are interested, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Regards,
Kathleen O’Neill
917-710-1782
http://www.kathleenaoneill.com
“What I learned doing this assignment is…? Scary to send no matter what so just do it.<font color=”#000000″ face=”Times New Roman, serif”>1/26/23 – ASSIGNMENT – QUERY LETTER CRITIQUE DRAFT 1</font>
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Hi Kathleen,
You have an intriguing story. Interesting approach to put your bio and personal experience at the beginning of the letter. I would suggest adding the protagonist’s name at the beginning of the first line. The second section is a very long sentence. I would break it up into two or three sentences and you could just use “she” if you mention her name in the first hook line.
Best of luck with your project.
Connie
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Thanks Constance. Will do.
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Hi,
Just reposted and would love your thoughts.
Kathleen
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I was hooked. Good topic, story and query letter.
WKS
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Thanks Walter.
Good luck w/yours.
Kathleen
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Mark Charles Ritter’s – Query Letter draft #1
Title: THE ASCENDANCE
Written by: Mark Charles Ritter
Genre: 1 hour TV Serial – Science-Fiction / Adventure
When the Galaxy is going to Hell, the only way out is UP!
Risk-addicted, blacklisted investigative reporter, Steven Redmann, has cleaned up his act to resurrect his career. Arriving in Spokane, WA, for his first assignment, to interview the Tribal Casino G.M., Steven blows it gloriously, helped by the telekinetic provocations of Harold “Sky River”, who then leads him to a historic marker where Harold induces Steven to have a vision of his previous life – as a Native American dying on the battlefield of the genocidal 1858 Plateau Indian Wars.
Welcome to the Epic Mission, you never knew you signed up for.
Quantum Physics is the new Shamanism, as Harold (lone survivor of the mission’s first attempt) trains Steven and a diverse team of other reincarnates to remember the knowledge of their Native past and the secrets of the Blue Orb, on the way to becoming Gridkeepers, guardians of Earth’s energetic grid system that holds the world together – Or tears it apart! But they’d better learn fast, because a Dracos (shapeshifting Human/Reptilian hybrid), known as “The Eraser,” is out to stop them again – after destroying the mission in 1858 – no matter the evil necessary to fulfill the ancient agenda of the fallen Inner Earth Reptilian Races. A little real estate redevelopment project, that starts with blowing the Yellowstone Caldera, and crescendos with a Pacific Ring of Fire, Geothermal Armageddon. Just as humanity is set to enter Earth’s long-foretold Golden Age of Enlightenment & Ascension.
Are the Gridkeepers up to taking on a dark mess of this magnitude?
The trials ahead will force them to traverse time, space, and dimensions – from Inner Earth to pre-ancient Lemuria, 52,000 yrs. ago, to Blue Orb trans-dimensional meetings with Ascended Masters. But always returning to the contemporary Inland Northwest, where their mission must be completed. Along the way the Gridkeepers must each face and heal their personal traumas, to embody their true highest selves, and fulfill the mission they have reincarnated for – the preservation of The Ascendance of Earth & Humanity.
If he survives the odyssey of the mission, will Steven have vanquished his demons to accept the hero’s mantle and live with love in the revelation of our true human evolutionary destiny?
…as Earth opens her Universal Stargate and becomes the Galactic Ascension Platform.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script and series pitch bible.
Bio: Multi-Optioned Screenwriter and former Development & Creative Executive. Extensive studies in Esoteric Sciences, Shamanism, Ufology, Forbidden History, and Quantum Physics.
Contact Info: Mark Charles Ritter
Phone: (509) 701-7372
Email: markcharlesritter@gmail.com
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/-screenwriter-producer
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Hi Mark,
I hesitate to comment because I’m a beginner at this and yet I really love the story so here goes.
I think you have the beginning of a synopsis and that the query letter needs to be condensed so that I want/ask for all the details. You know your subject. I get lost in the details at this point.
Kathleen
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Hi Mark
I’d agree with Kathleen, I think you need to condense this a little. I always struggle with keeping things brief too! I’d hate for a producer to dismiss your query letter because it’s too long to start off with (I’ve heard this sort of thing with CVs for jobs – over 2 sides and they don’t even bother reading it.)
I think the first paragraph is probably more or less OK, as it seems to be introducing the two main characters, but if you can tighten it up, great. Is the location of Spokane, WA significant to the plot, or can you just put that he’s interviewing the tribal casino GM?
The second paragraph confused me a bit more. You’ve said Harold is the lone survivor of the mission, but presumably he hasn’t survived since 1858. I’m also unsure how ‘quantum physics is the new shamanism’ – maybe the mechanics of how this works would be better in a longer synopsis.
How about this:
Harold trains Steven and a diverse group of other reincarnates to become Gridkeepers – guardians of the Earth’s energetic system. But they’d better learn fast, because Dracos, “The Eraser”, has his own ancient agenda to fulfil -geothermal armageddon – and is out to stop the Gridkeepers again, just like in 1858.
I don’t think you need the sentence about ‘Along the way the Gridkeepers…’ as you’ve put that in the closing question about Steven specifically – the other characters and their traumas will be developed throughout the series. I’d focus on Steven for now.
I think it’s really great that your passion shows through, and you clearly have a lot of detail for the series worked out. I miss The X Files, and I think this would definitely be a show I’d tune in to!
Good luck
Joy
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Hi Tenill,
What a sweet story. I think stories that show a journey and a process for children are very important.
A couple thoughts. To make the opening stronger what about changing “sometimes in life, people mistake what’s true love. Would you agree?” to something like, “Often in life people mistake WHAT for true love?” The what is the contrast to true love. Second thought, maybe leave a bit more on the ending.
Good luck. I do think there is broad audience appeal with a strong lesson delivered in a fun story.
Kathleen
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Kathleen O’Neill – Query Letter Draft Two
Dear Person,
BIO: I’m Kathleen O’Neill, actor, director and writer in NYC. My family has been blessed with many adoptions and when I heard a story about a frightening experience I knew I wanted to explore that in a film. So began My Mother Es Mi Madre.
Judas Priest! I don’t exist!
JESSICA, JESS, MCHALE, the eldest of five in a wonderful family she adores, a successful architect and partnered with the love of her life, discovers she is adopted and that her entire life is a lie.
Incensed by this fact and armed with her absolute belief in truth, Jess finds her birth family in Medellin, Colombia and immediately goes to them. Expecting a poverty-stricken family Jess finds a mother who thought “the baby” died at birth, a grandmother who put her out for adoption and a wealthy family, with one exception, who doesn’t know that she exists. This combines with her adoptive family showing up to reclaim their much-loved daughter and sibling. Family secrets explode.
The initial obstacles to finding her birth mother pale in comparison to bringing the two families together. The consequences of the lies and betrayals result in revelations for everyone.
We love family stories because it is a quest we take no matter our culture. Who am I? Why do I exist? Our family forever informs and provides incentive for the pursuit. My Mother Es Mi Madre explores that dynamic journey.
If you are interested, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Regards,
Kathleen O’Neill
917-710-1782
http://www.kathleenaoneill.com
“What I learned doing this assignment is…? #2 – Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. #1 – Scary to send no matter what so just do it.
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Cassie Richardson’s Query Letter DRAFT ONE
What I learned from doing this assignment is that getting feedback on the query letter is an important step that shouldn’t be skipped. ‘
Dear Producer,
Be careful! Black Santa can ruin your life.
Title: BREAKFAST WITH SANTA
Written by Cassie Richardson
Genre: Christmas Romantic Comedy
An unexpected sprinkle of Black Santa’s Christmas magic leads to surprising consequences that rob marketing genius Brianna Reynolds of a promotion, her dignity and her pride. Instead of living her best life, Brianna must go to her ex’s fledgling hometown and silence the community’s holiday spirit until Christmas.
But keeping the man who dumped her for a supermodel at arm’s length and pacifying the quirky townspeople prove more difficult than expected.
So, what does Brianna do?
She puts her career ambitions on the line to rebrand the fledgling town as America’s premier Christmas destination, complete with fun spins on familiar Christmas traditions.
Then surprise! Black Santa drops Brianna’s boss, the supermodel and the young son Brianna didn’t know her ex had into the mix – proving there’s no such thing as a perfect Christmas or a perfect life.
Cassie is a marketing genius whose storytelling is behind two Superbowl commercials. She’s African American and knows the Black Santa-type well.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the treatment.
Peace,
Cassie Richardson
PS: Here’s how you can reach me:
Email: Cassie.maeb@gmail.com
Cell: 312-590-1023
Snail Mail: 5201 S. Cornell Ave., #17A
Chicago, IL 60615
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Hi Cassie,
In a previous assignment you dropped the “Black” Santa but reintroduced it here?
As a fellow African American, the hook doesn’t lure me into the story. Not sure if it resonates with others but maybe not with my demographics – A mid-fifties black guy. Honestly, I’m not sure.
My story had a similar challenge but I overcame it with being more descriptive where the ethnicity wouldn’t matter.
I think I’ve recently seen a similar movie before on Netflix with yours having a minor twist. I would like to hear what makes this character more interesting beyond race.
Overall, I like your positive energy being translated through your query letter. I think it’s good. Consider redeveloping the hook ending.
I hope that my opinion is well received in good spirits. Please do comment on Shytown as your opinion matters too.
WKS
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Hi Walter,
Thanks so much for the feedback. I’m thrilled to know my pitch sounds similar to something you’ve seen on Netflix because that’s kind of the point with made for television Christmas movies. 🙂 But I will take another look to see how I might punch it up a bit., ‘
Appreciate you.
Cassie
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Cassie, this is a great story. The single question I have from reading this is why Brianna has to go back/why Black Santa has chosen her. Perhaps more of a motivation reveal early on would help. Otherwise, there are a lot of good cinematic moments here.
Tres bien!
Cody
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Hi Cody,
Thanks for the feedback. Good points. I’ll take another pass and make sure those motivations are clear and strong in the treatment and the pitch letter.
Thank you!!
Cassie
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Cody,
I went back and checked. Your questions are in my head and not on the page. Thank you so much!!!! 🙂
Cassie
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Hi Tenill,
Awww. What a cute concept. I would definitely watch your movie. I’m getting ET vibes for some reason. 😊 Your letter is really well written and packed with hooks.
If I had to make a suggestion, it would be to clarify this sentence: Nine-year-old Chase Little tries to save his parents’ marriage by ‘finding love’. I’m guessing Chase overhears the parents say they need to “find love,” so would it read better to say “bringing love back into their home?” That’s all I’ve got…I’m reaching.
Bravo. Wishing you the very best.
Cassie
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Cassie Richardson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Hi Constance,
I love Rom Coms, so I’m totally here for your concept. This sounds like the beginnings of a great movie.
One thing for you to consider is moving up the snippet about the characters being in the third act of their lives. I believe producers and actors are looking for these types of stories! Also, consider this punctuation tweak – hunky candidate:
The phrasing “wacky old daddy” is a little confusing, but I’d request the script to find out more about it.
(Penis pump salesman – hahahaha! Practice hard – hahahaha!)
Great concept! Wishing you the very best.
Cassie
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Walter K Stewart, Query Letter
My name is Walter Stewart, I also grew up in Chicago during the 1980s when Flash Dance hit the screens. It was a fantastic movie and growing up on the Southside we all admired your work. I am a writer, and my first book is scheduled to be published this year with Author’s House.
I have a melodrama titled Shytown. It’s a period piece set in the 1980s in Chicagoland with house music being the backdrop.
It’s a rag to riches story about a guy (Jason Tyler) who fails at everything as a child later to discover he’s chosen by God to deliver a message.
With music being his motivation and God being the inspiration Jason sets out early in life clearly understanding that he was going to be someone very special in life. Despite being poor and not too smart he navigates a party life in Chicago during the 1980s house music craze.
TITLE: Shytown
LOGLINE: While on a business trip in Chicago, the philanthropist Jason Tyler is shot on a commuter train during a robbery and later pronounced dead in the emergency room. After an out of body experience, he miraculous wakes up alive and alone in the hospital emergency room having one mission. Save the guy who killed him.
GENRE: DRAMA & MUSIC
Budget: $15 million to $30 million
I see Austin Butler (protagonist) being perfect for this role because he is a great dancer as demonstrated in Elvis. Additionally, he’s young enough and delivers a great character arc.
Shytown period piece set in the 1980s in Chicagoland with the backdrop of the party-music scene featuring House Music. It’s a feel-good movie with lots of emotion and drama with a happy ending.
Please reach out, if you are interested in chatting or viewing the script.
Walter K Stewart
(708)261-6729
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Walter Stewart.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Walter Stewart.
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Walter, using the nuanced personal approach is a great plan, and very effective. And the synopsis is compelling. Great work.
Cody
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Hi Walter,
Interesting concept. I think your letter might benefit from one more editing pass. It looks like you’re pitching two movies, but I believe you are pitching one story. Your letter reads like you have two protagonists, Tyler and Austin. Then it looks like one story is a rags to riches narrative and the other is a tale of murder and redemption. Also, pay attention to syntax…for example South Side is two words…I’m guessing that Shytown is a play on words, but if not, Chi-town is the correct spelling. Otherwise, your idea looks like great screen candy.
‘Wishing you all the best.
Cassie
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Cassie,
Thank you for the feedback.
Agreed on the editing. I’m only pitching one movie Shytown. One protagonist, Austin would be the actor playing Jason Tyler.
Its a drama with the main character living throughout different periods of his life.
And you nailed both premises: From rags to riches to murder and redemption.
WKS
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Connie’s Query letter DRAFT 2
Dear <Producer>,
Given your success with <Shall We Dance>, I thought you might have an interest in my Rom-Com entitled Love Dance. I feel it is important to share hopeful stories of love in the third act of life.
Feisty divorcee, Daisy Duncan has sworn off men forever!
She’s obsessed with winning the over-50 National Dance Contest, but needs a new partner – pronto! Daisy’s rascal daddy comes to the rescue, covertly sending her a hunky widower as a candidate –
Buck, his personal penis pump salesman!
Against her best intentions, Daisy starts to fall for him, and they practice hard for the contest. When she heads to Dallas for the finals, he’s a no-show. She angrily ghosts him, but has no idea he’s been critically injured in a motorcycle accident.
Can Daisy win the contest AND the love lottery?
If you like the story, I would be happy to send you the screenplay. I think it is important to share hopeful stories of love in the third act of life.
Bio: I’m an optioned screenwriter with a script in development and I’ve lived the Love Dance.
Constance Barr
503-750-0304
mcb.connie@gmail.com
https://pro.imdb.com/constancebarrhttps://www.linkedin.com/in/conniebarr
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Mark Charles Ritter’s – Query Letter draft #2
Title: THE ASCENDANCE
Written by: Mark Charles Ritter
Genre: 1 hour TV Serial – Science-Fiction / Adventure
When the Galaxy is going to Hell, the only way out is UP!
Risk-addicted, blacklisted investigative reporter, Steven Redmann, has cleaned up his act to resurrect his career. Arriving in Spokane, WA, for his first assignment, to interview the Tribal Casino G.M., Steven blows it gloriously. He was helped by the telekinetic provocations of Harold “Sky River,” who then leads Steven to a historic marker where he induces Steven to have a vision of his previous life – as a Native American dying on the battlefield of the genocidal 1858 Plateau Indian Wars.
Welcome to the epic mission you never knew you signed up for.
Now that you’ve reincarnated to finish the mission, how do you thwart an alien plan to create a Geothermal Armageddon, just as Earth is ready to Ascend? Especially, with that damned shape-shifting Reptilian back to kill you… again! Well, it’s starting NOW…and Harold must train Steven and a team of other Native reincarnates to traverse time, space, and dimension – as Quantum Physics becomes the new Shamanism – from Inner Earth to pre-ancient Lemuria, 52,000 yrs. ago, to trans-dimensional meetings with Ascended Masters. Along the way they must each face and heal their personal traumas, to embody their true highest selves, and fulfill the magnificent mission they have reincarnated for – the preservation of The Ascendance of Earth & Humanity.
If he survives the odyssey of the mission, will Steven have vanquished his demons to accept the hero’s mantle and live with epic love?
…as Earth opens her Universal Stargate and becomes the Galactic Ascension Platform.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script and series pitch bible.
Bio: Multi-Optioned Screenwriter and former Development & Creative Executive. Extensive studies in Esoteric Sciences, Shamanism, Ufology, Forbidden History, and Quantum Physics.
Contact Info: Mark Charles Ritter
Phone: (509) 701-7372
Email: markcharlesritter@gmail.com
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/-screenwriter-producer
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Mark Ritter.
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Hi Mark
Apologies – I didn’t realise you’d added a second draft!
I think this is great – the touch of humour about the reptilian made me smile, and that’s always a good sign for drawing someone into the project.
All the best,
Joy
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Joy Smith’s Query Letter Draft TWO
Subject: FIRST LAW
Dear Producer
Would you get yourself committed to advance your career? Cleo would.
An ambitious journalist whose entire life revolves around work, Cleo has an explosive scoop in her sights: deliberate overuse of medication at psychiatric hospitals. Cleo knows she can help people by exposing the malpractice and advance her career at the same time.
Her friends tell her it’s a bad idea and her boss utterly rejects the assignment – but Cleo goes anyway. After all, it’s not like insanity is contagious! But instead of an easy return to her keyboard, Cleo finds her Editor is preoccupied with the paper and her inside contacts are arrested.
Now, she is given real brain-altering medication.
Cleo must find a way to survive in the hospital, prove her real identity and stop her roommate’s insanity catching hold of her as well.
The title ‘First Law’ is a reference to Newton’s laws of thermodynamics – that energy cannot be created or destroyed, just transferred from one form to another. This is what happens with Cleo and her roommate.
If you like the concept of First Law, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Yours faithfully,
Joy Smith
2. Post your revised query letter for critique on the forums under Lesson 11.
DONE
3. Rewrite your query letter, at least once, and post the revision as Draft 2.
DONE
4. Answer the question: “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and post it at the top of your work.
I learned that it’s best to be as clear and specific as possible, but that once the hooks are clear, writing a good query letter isn’t as difficult or as scary as I thought it might be. Pressing SEND will be though!
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