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Lesson 11 Assignments
Reply to post your assignments here.
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5 Replies
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Elizabeth Dickinson Has Great Dialogue
What I learned doing this assignment is that I can add even more clarity to my dialogue.
Example 1: Before
OVERSOUL
But I had expert healing help-
ABBESS
None of us are healed until we say we’re healed. You’re not healed until all of us are healed.
OVERSOUL
But I had expert healing help-
OVERSOUL
But I don’t know what that even means. I’ve already done-
ABBESS
Do you ever really listen to us?
AFTER
OVERSOUL
But I had expert healing help-
ABBESS
None of us are healed until we say we’re healed. You’re not finished with human reincarnation until all of us are healed. (clarity)
OVERSOUL
What does that mean? I’ve already-(counterattack)
ABBESS
Do you ever really listen to us?
BEFORE
The Abbess handles the ruler appreciatively.
ABBESS
Didn’t have these in my day.
(beat)
Go back to a beginning.
AFTER
The Abbess handles the ruler appreciatively.
ABBESS
Didn’t have these in my day.
(beat)
Go back to the beginning.
OVERSOUL
N-O-O-O!
SUPER:
The Big Bang. Stars explode.
ABBESS
The beginning of you.
A GRINNING CAVEMAN appears in one of the screens.
Oversoul looks appalled.
OVERSOUL
N-O-O-O!
Caveman disappears.
ABBESS
A beginning where you developed-
(A lot of the work here is about establishing clarity, but it also establishes the Abbess’ character, who stars in season 2).
Example 2
BEFORE:
CELT
I don’t care about that. I just want my people to be safe!
TARANIS
I can arrange that. All you do is accept my thunderbolt.
The thunderbolt glows fiery in Taranis’ hand.
CELT
Won’t it hurt me if I take it?
TARANIS
Bah! It’s better if you use it right away.
AFTER:
CELT
I don’t care about that. I just want my people to be safe!
TARANIS
I can arrange that. All you do is accept my thunderbolt.
The thunderbolt glows fiery in Taranis’ hand.
CELT
Won’t it burn me?
TARANIS
Bah! It’s better if you use it right away.
The change from ‘hurt’ to ‘burn’ allows me to establish later in the scene that Celt really is ‘burned’ by his interaction with Taranis (irony) and allows Sasha (the youngest and most vulnerable) to notice it and for Celt to misdirect her. It’s also irony because Celt is constantly looking to protect others, but doesn’t protect himself.
It changes the scene below, which establishes on multiple levels how Celt ignores his own comfort to protect others.
SASHA
I want you to have her. She’s a good mouse.
Celt strokes the mouse with his finger. There’s a red mark on his palm.
SASHA
What happened to your hand?
CELT
She wouldn’t like traveling. Feel how fast her heart beats.
Example 3
BEFORE
Celt wipes his eyes with his arm.
CELT
Explain later. But we have to go back. I can’t leave Piran.
Coran shakes his head, but follows Celt as he jogs back the way he came.
AFTER
Celt wipes his eyes with his arm.
CELT
Explain later. But we have to go back. I can’t leave Piran.
Celt jogs away.
Coran shakes his head, but follows Celt.
CORAN
You can’t protect everyone!
(This establishes character better and Celt’s motivation through Coran’s eyes. Coran is much more pragmatic than Celt.)
Example 4
TARANIS
You haven’t forgotten me already?
Celt freezes.
TARANIS
I could help, you know.
CELT
I don’t want your help!
TARANIS
Suit yourself.
Taranis disappears.
TARANIS (O.S.)
Someday you will.
Taranis laughs.
AFTER
TARANIS
You haven’t forgotten me already?
Celt freezes.
TARANIS
I could help, you know.
CELT
So you can burn me again? (references past, pun on burn)
TARANIS
Suit yourself.
Taranis disappears.
TARANIS (O.S.)
Someday you’ll beg for my help. (sets up future creates tension, open loop)
Taranis laughs.
Example 5:
BEFORE:
LARGE SNAKE is even bigger with violet eyes.
LARGE SNAKE
Celt helps Romans by using their speech. Sssss.
AFTER
LARGE SNAKE is even bigger with violet eyes.
LARGE SNAKE
Celt collaborates with Romans by using their words. Sssss.
(Clarity and irony. Collaboration is the word the other boys use for what Clu does.)
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Tim Barley Has Great Dialogue!
What I learned form doing this assignment is that I have BETTER dialogue. My inner critic has crept into the foreground and is railing against my passes at dialogue. But, it’s so much better, concise and purposeful than it was in the beginning, even after the last lesson.
Pulling two scenes but with more than five examples:
EXAMPLE #1. FIRST MEETING OF ALEX AND FEENIX (BEFORE)
FEENIX
Hi.
ALEX
Hi. New here?
FEENIX
Is it that obvious?
ALEX
I’m just good at recognizing new faces.
FEENIX
That’s a nice talent.
ALEX
(shrugging)
Comes in handy.
He holds out his hand.
ALEX
Alex.
FEENIX
Fee.
ALEX
Nice to meet you.
FEENIX
You, too.
At his floor, Alex gets out and walks off. He turns to her.
ALEX
Nice meeting you, Fee. Here’s to running into each other again.
FEENIX
Count on it.
The door starts to shut.
FEENIX
I mean, nice to meet you t–
FIRST MEETING OF ALEX AND FEENIX (AFTER)
FEENIX
Hi.
ALEX
Hi.
There is a long awkward silence.
ALEX
New here?
FEENIX
Is it that obvious?
ALEX
I’m good with faces. I’d remember yours.
Longer silence. Alex dies inside.
FEENIX
Well, it’s nice to have a talent.
Se holds out her hand.
FEENIX
Fee.
ALEX
Alex.
FEENIX
Nice to meet you.
ALEX
You, too.
The elevator dings, Alex thankfully gets off.
FEENIX
Nice meeting you, Alex. Here’s hoping we run into each other again.
ALEX
It’s a pretty big building. We might not-
The elevator door shuts in his face.
ALEX
(smacking himself in the head) Idiot.
I USED SUBTEXT AND LACK OF DIALOGUE TO SHOWCASE THE MEETING WHERE ONE OF THEM KNOWS MORE ABOUT THE OTHER.
EXAMPLE #2 MEETING WITH ALEX AND HIS BOSS (BEFORE)
They smile at each other. Todd points to the chair in front of his desk.
TODD
Sit. What are you working on now?
ALEX
Still working on the climate migration disruption piece for next week. It’s coming into shape.
TODD
I might need you to help out on something else if you’ve got the time.
ALEX
You know I never have the time. But, I’m always glad to help the team out.
TODD
Good. Billy’s got some-
ALEX
Nope.
TODD
What?
ALEX
Nope. It means “no.” Nein. Nyet. Non. I can tell you in almost any language.
TODD
Chinese.
ALEX
Bu.
TODD
Swahili
ALEX
Bahana.
TODD
Egpytian.
ALEX
La’Shukran.
TODD
Sumerian.
ALEX
Nu.
TODD
Christ. I don’t know you do that.
ALEX
Neither do I. But, here’s one more way I’m telling you.
He spells out “non” in ASL.
TODD
So, it’s a “no,” then?
ALEX
I know what you’re going to ask. You’re going to ask me to help Billy on another one of his crazy conspiracy stories that he wants to present and I’m going to get behind in my work.
MEETING WITH ALEX AND HIS BOSS (AFTER)
They smile at each other. Todd points to the chair in front of his desk.
TODD
Sit. What are you working on now?
ALEX
Still working on the climate migration disruption piece for next week. It’s coming into shape.
TODD
Table it. I need you to help out on something else.
ALEX
You know I don’t have the time.
Alex starts to get up.
TODD
Sit.
ALEX
But, I’m always glad to help the team out.
TODD
Good. Billy’s got some-
ALEX
Nope.
TODD
What?
ALEX
Nope. It means “no.” Nein. Nyet. Non. I can tell you in any language you want.
TODD
Chinese.
ALEX
Bù, woǒ bù huì zhèyàng zuò
TODD
Indian.
ALEX
Nahin main yah nahin karoonga [NO I WILL NOT DO IT]
TODD
Swahili
ALEX
si kwenda kufanya hivyo [NOT GOING TO DO IT]
TODD
Egyptian.
ALEX
abadan fi milyun sana [NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS]
TODD
Sumerian.
ALEX
Nu. [NO]
Todd thinks.
TODD
Lakota Sioux.
ALEX
[I’M DONE WITH THIS EXERCISE]
TODD
Christ. I don’t know you do that.
ALEX
Neither do I. But, here’s one more way I’m telling you.
He spells out “no” in ASL.
TODD
So, it’s a “no,” then?
ALEX
I know what you’re going to ask. You’re going to ask me to help Billy on another one of his crazy conspiracy stories that he wants to present and I’m going to get behind in my work.
FOR THIS SCENE, I USED ATTACK/COUNTERATTACK TO SHOWCASE ALEX’S LATENT POWER THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW HE HAS. HE JUST THINKS HE’S GOOD AT LANGUAGE. ALSO, THERE IS DIALOGUE THAT IS ANTICIPATORY.
EXAMPLE #3: POST BROTHER/SISTER REUNION “SPAT” (BEFORE)
Allistar pulls himself up against the wall, groaning. Feenix moves toward him, bending down to look at her brother.
FEENIX
You’ve gotten soft in your old age.
ALLISTAR
Yeah, and you’re still a little bitch after all this time.
She smiles.
FEENIX
What are you doing?
ALLISTAR
What do you mean?
FEENIX
Getting stone every day. Jobless.
ALLISTAR
Like I need a job. I haven’t needed one in 70 years.
FEENIX
How are you fitting in?
ALLISTAR
Look around.
He points to his life as a stoner.
ALLISTAR
No one thinks twice about the stoner in LA. It’s the same as it was in the 60’s. And the 30’s. And the other 60’s.
FEENIX
Nice cover.
Feenix stands up and opens Allistar’s apartment door, taking it all in. Allistar gets up.
ALLISTAR
This isn’t a social visit. So, I’m going to ask you again. Why. Are. You. Here?
FEENIX
They asked me to check in on you and Alex.
Next door, Alex listens intently to his name, but the conversation is muffled.
ALLISTAR
(sighs)
Why?
FEENIX
Because she hasn’t heard from you in a long time. None of us have. You’ve gone AWOL.
She sighs. He looks at her.
FEENIX
The council is sure that he’s the one.
ALLISTAR
“The one” what?
FEENIX
The last of the great ones.
ALLISTAR
(laughing)
Fuck off. That’s impossible. I’ve watched Alex for 30 years. He probably the most boring assignment I’ve managed. And that’s saying a lot. Remember Bartleby Jones? 15th century? Alex is a basic, ordinary guy working in a boring, ordinary shit job, living his boring, ordinary shit life.
FEENIX
He was attacked tonight.
ALLISTAR
Yeah, I was there. I saved you remember?
FEENIX
And why do you think they showed up?
ALLISTAR
I don’t know. Maybe they were drawn to you. You just happened to be close by…
FEENIX
Alex said he was attacked earlier by someone. A hairless, pale, boneless man.
ALLISTAR
He’s probably on drugs.
POST BROTHER/SISTER REUNION “SPAT” (AFTER)
Allistar pulls himself up against the wall, groaning. Feenix moves toward him, bending down to look at her brother.
FEENIX
You’re rusty.
ALLISTAR
(shrugging) There isn’t the need for all out mayhem fighting anymore.
She smiles and shakes her head.
FEENIX
What are you doing, brother?
ALLISTAR
What do you mean?
FEENIX
Getting stoned every day. Jobless.
ALLISTAR
Like I need a job. I haven’t needed one in 70 years.
FEENIX
How are you fitting in?
ALLISTAR
Look around.
He points to his life as a stoner.
ALLISTAR
No one thinks twice about the trust fund recreational drug user in LA. It’s the same as it was in the 60’s. And the 30’s. And the other 60’s.
FEENIX
One day that cover is going to blow up in your face.
Feenix stands up and opens Allistar’s apartment door, taking it all in. Allistar gets up.
ALLISTAR
You’re not here just to check on me. So, why-
FEENIX
They asked me to protect Alex.
Next door, Alex tries to hear but the conversation is muffled.
ALLISTAR
(sighs)
Why?
She sighs. He looks at her.
ALLISTAR
Feenix?
FEENIX
The council is sure that he’s one of them.
ALLISTAR
“One of them” what?
FEENIX
One of the great ones.
ALLISTAR
(laughing)
Fuck off. Color me dubious. I can’t believe that’s why you’re here. I’ve watched Alex for 30 years. He probably the most boring assignment I’ve managed. And that’s saying a lot. Remember Bartleby Jones, apothecary’s assistant? Alex is a basic, ordinary guy working in a basic, ordinary shit job, living his basic, ordinary shit life.
FEENIX
He was attacked by No-Things tonight.
ALLISTAR
Yeah, no shit. I was there. And, I saved you remember? Waiting on that thank you.
FEENIX
Allistar, why do you think they showed up here?
He waits for his thank you.
FEENIX
Fine. Thank you. Alright? Can we get back to what happened tonight?
ALLISTAR
I don’t know. Maybe they were drawn to you. You just happened to be close by…
FEENIX
Did you notice anything different about them?
ALLISTAR
No. I was busy dispelling them.
FEENIX
They showed up in a goddamned car and rammed us.
ALLISTAR
Corporeal? That’s new.
FOR THIS SCENE I LET THE CHARACTERS SPEAK THROUGH THEIR PROFILES TO CREATE BROTHER/SISTER COMPETITION, SECRETS, HOPE/FEAR, COPING MECHANISMS AND SET-UPS (WITH OPEN LOOPS) AS WELL AS ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE.
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P.G. Sundling Has Great Dialogue!
6. Answer the question, “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.
My dialogue is a strength. I tend to do attack/counterattack most. I went through alternative lines with a fan of my book and they chose the existing lines most of the time. Sometimes the best line is to remove a line entirely.
5. Give us the five best examples of Before and After lines, and tell us which dialogue skill you used to improve it.
The only thing I owe you is an unmarked grave!
->
You just earned an unmarked grave.
Attack/counterattack response, plus dialogue as action, Maria is now in danger.
(fits on one line, and instead of a response from the previous line, it shows an immediate and direct threat as a reaction to her action)
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Unhappiness seems to be contagious around here. Don’t upset me, or you might set off an epidemic.
—>
Unhappiness seems contagious. I hope I don’t catch it.
Attack/counterattack to comment about unhappiness. Subtext because they all heard what really happened with his Shen and his wife. A joke to try to act normal. They know why he’s unhappy even though they shouldn’t.
(this version is more terse and fun. Response to unhappy wife, unhappy life and another office happiness comment earlier in the scene)
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You said you wanted me, along with my company!
->
Attack/counterattack to villain revealing where he really stands.
Speak through character profiles James is naive and trusting. He’s shocked by deceit of villain.
You said I was part of the deal.
(sounds more natural)
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This is going to be the best road trip ever. Maybe two Wongs can get it right. Wait a second. You have no last name. Are you a Wong anymore?
->
Instead of just Shen speaking, all three of these characters speak as they prepare to start their journey.
SHEN
To the best road trip ever.
MARIA
My big question is what can we achieve with just three people?
NONE
We can achieve anything we can imagine. Dream big!
anticipatory dialogue(Maria) opens up the challenges they face. While None answers Maria, it remains an open loop.
Attack/counterattack Maria and James reply to her
Speak through character profiles: Maria looks at what problems they face. James is imagining with a positive attitude.
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He did blow it. I’m waiting to hear back from half a dozen law firms. The lawyers aren’t calling me back. I feel helpless like I can’t move forward.
->
After what I said, I’m not sure Shen is still my brother, much less my lawyer.
Setup/payoff: sets up that Shen and James fell out. What did he say that was so bad?
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Laurie Brown has Great Dialogue
What I learned from doing this lesson was that I am beginning to internalize the interest techniques and dialogue hacks.
this assignment took me forever, but I’m glad I stuck with it. I didn’t, however, see that I was to highlight five before/after dialogue lines so I’ve lost the before dialogue. I can say that I changed almost every line of dialogue as a result of this assignment.
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Avi Kapurala has great dialogue
Completed this a long time ago, but neglected to post on the forums.
What I learned doing this assignment is: Dialogue can definitely be improved with each pass.
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