Lesson 11: Creating Your Outline – Part 2

[Joy Smith]

Hi everyone!

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, and/or if folks are already paired up for feedback, as that came under lesson 12 and there’s no thread for that.

I’ve got a Christmas romcom outline that definitely needs some feedback. It’s the first time I’ve outlined in this way, and I know it need a LOT more scenes.

If anyone wants to exchange, let me know!

Thanks
Joy

[Anna Maganini]

There seem to be two Lesson 11 Forums, so I hope this is the right one for the Outline – Part 2!

I still need a partner to exchange outline critiques! Tel. is 323-817-9216 – Email is – annamaganini@sbcglobal.net

– Though I prefer someone who writes thrillers or drama, I really just want someone who is thorough and interested and good at feedback, even if it is not in their chosen genre. I just had a bad experience in another WIM class with a partner who said he could not give me much (really he didn't give me any) feedback, because this was not his genre! I just do not want someone like that. But otherwise, please get in touch with me!

What I learned from doing this lesson (+ Lesson 10 before it)- Good God! I got it done, though it is messy still. Though it’s hard going sometimes, I am amazed how the outline starts taking on more substance and depth with each pass. Very gratifying. I have a few extra details added in. But it helps me when I begin to write the story.

Title – HALF HOUR SHOWER (Placeholder title)

Genre – Psychological Thriller

HIGH CONCEPT –
*** Play with your neighbors – but in this game, win or lose, you die.

LOGLINE – A crippled Afghanistan war vet moves into a co-op and gets caught up in neighborly games that turn deadly – especially for vets. But who runs the game?

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ACT 1 –

OPENING –

SCENE 1

INT./EXT. QUAINT CO-OP BUILDING – DAY

Rainey, crippled by a bomb in Afghanistan, moves into her new co-op – meets Josh and Kayla having a domestic fight, plus a cute-plain neighbor / instant crush, and a furtive Afghan man and his son who’s in a wheelchair.

Cute-plain guy tries to help her, knocks her down. She is charmed.

SCENE 2

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT KITCHEN – DAY

SETUP-Friend Bonnie warns Rainey of TV news: a psycho is killing war vets.

REVEAL-Unfazed, she bakes cookies for neighbors, hangs Purple Heart on wall

LAYER-She also hangs a picture of a little boy on the wall (her son)

SCENE 3

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT – DOORWAY (+LIVING ROOM) – DAY

LAYER-Cute-plain guy apologizes, invites her to play ‘neighborly’ games

LAYER – cute-plain seems friendly, but is he? Friend Bonnie warns her-hints what Rainey is doing is dangerous (We don’t know yet the secret of what she is doing)

SCENE 4

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT SON’S ROOM – DAY

CJ+LAYER-Rainey is done baking. Alone with sons pic, lonely, she calls him, promises he will move in with her soon, puts up Mickey Mouse clock she got for his room.

SCENE 5

EXT. PLAIN-CUTE GUYS’ APARTMENT – DAY

CJ-She leaves cookies for cute-plain guy with note-nice to know you!+heart emoji

SCENE 6

INT. HALLWAY/BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

LAYERS-Rainey takes cookies to Afghani neighbors Bobo and dad Sack

LAYERS-She has PTSD episode-they are playing same Afghan music she heard when land mine crippled her in Afghanistan. But the neighbors calm her.

LAYERS-Both Rainey and old man have hidden histories-he has Arabic word/motto in his home, he was a translator for U.S. soldiers, she was a soldier-Clues.

LAYER-She invites Sack and Bobo to join the ‘neighborly’ games with her.

LAYER – Bobo says yes, Sack wants no part of it, does something suspicious??

SCENE 7

EXT. POOL OR GARDEN – DAY

The rules to join sound fun-either bake salty cookies for neighbors, have a pool baptism, or plant friendship seeds in the garden, take pics, post on communal board. Rainey and Bobo enjoy the pool, though both are disabled and Bobo can’t swim. They post pics.
(Need way to introduce the game rules in a cool way)

SCENE 8

INT. CO-OP HALLWAY – DAY

Rainey gives Kayla-Josh cookies as they fight over debt problems and a threatening note. Josh pushes Rainey, cane and cookies fall to floor. Kayla helps her, makes friends

LAYER – Kayla finds out Rainey is a war vet and mom.

LAYER-Kayla seems sweet but targets neighbors-has disturbing side under the nice.

INCITING INCIDENT –

SCENE 9

INT. CO-OP LOBBY-MAIL AREA – EVENING

Rainey gets accepted into neighborly games, (need cool way to do it), gets her first neighborly message – ‘how long does it take to bake cookies?’ Her answer – ‘an hour’. There’s another answer – ‘15 minutes to make kulche birinjee’ She smiles – Bobo.

LAYER-She writes her own question-how long does it take to make friends here?

LAYER – An answer is already waiting – ‘Don’t make friends here – EVER!’

LAYER -Neighborly games turn ominous. There’s no one around. WHO LEFT IT?

SCENE 10

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT DOOR – DAY

LAYER-Another note waits outside her apartment – How long does it take you to shower?’ WHAT? She grows agitated, uneasy.

SCENE 11

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – DAY

LAYER – Inside, she finds yet another note. Someone’s been inside her home! The note asks: ’Do you want to play a more serious game?’

LAYER – CJ – Frightened, she goes to lock all her doors and windows, sees cute-plain guy outside gardening. He innocently waves. She waves back.

LAYER – the games that were so friendly have become invasive and dangerous

LAYER-Cute-plain guy eats her cookie. Maybe notes are his innocent way to flirt

LAYER – She reconsiders. Nervous, she answers the notes – ‘Half hour shower’ on one note and ‘Yes’ on the other, leaves them outside her door.

SCENE 12

EXT. RAINEY’S DOOR – EVENING

LAYER-A gloved hand reaches for first note, reads it, puts it back, takes the 2nd note.

SCENE 13

INT./EXT. RAINEY’S DOOR – EVENING

Minutes later, a knock. Rainey opens. No one there but a response on 1st note says- Let’s meet tomorrow-after the half hour shower. Smiley emoji. Is he weirdo or wonderful

SCENE 14

EXT. RAINEY’S DOOR – EVENING

LAYER – Jittery, Rainey opens the door again, leaves one last note – ‘It’s a date’.

SCENE 15

INT. SON’S BEDROOM – DAY

LAYER – Next day Rainey fixes up her son’s room, gets it ready for him.

SCENE 16

INT. RAINEY’S BEDROOM – DAY

LAYER – She picks out the dress and earrings she’ll wear for her date.

SCENE 17

LAYER – INT. JOSH AND KAYLA’S APARTMENT – DAY

Josh and Kayla get a note in their apartment: ’How long does it take you to rob a place?’ Kayla, tearful but determined, writes – ‘half hour’, pins it outside.

SCENE 18

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT – DAY

LAYER – Rainey finds the clocks in her home missing, even the Mickey Mouse clock

SCENE 19

INT. RAINEY’S BATHROOM – DAY

LAYER-She finds secret door in bathroom. Locked. Can’t open it. Where does it lead?

SCENE 20

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT DOOR – DAY

LAYER – Bobo gets a question pinned to his door – ‘how long for piano practice?’ He writes a note with Arabic letterhead that says ‘half hour’, pins it outside door

SCENE 21

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – DAY

LAYER – Rainey gets in the shower, ready for a date with cute-plain guy.

SCENE 22

INT. CO-OP HALLWAY – DAY

LAYER-Kayla is in shock over new note telling them what to rob. Josh forces her.

TURNING POINT –

SCENE 23

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT SHOWER – DAY

REVEAL+NEW LAYER-As Rainey showers, she hears robbers invade her home!

================

ACT 2:

NEW PLAN – (TICKING TIME BOMB)

SCENE 24

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT SHOWER – DAY

REVEAL-Rainey hears Kayla. Relieved, she calls to her friend. It’s all a mistake, right? But-no mistake. Reveal of some sort in how Kayla reacts. She’s no friend.

SCENE 25

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT BEDROOM/LIVING ROOM – DAY

LAYER – Kayla and Josh find a gun in Rainey's apartment with a note for them.

SCENE 26

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT SHOWER – DAY

REVEAL-Rainey finds a gun in shower and note explaining she is in a game. Shower in a half hour as robbers rob you in a half hour. Finish first, you kill them. Finish last, they kill you. Finish before time’s up, your gun backfires and kills you. NO CLOCKS! GO!

PLAN IN ACTION – (Follow the Rules – Til You Can’t)

SCENE 27

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT – DAY
High-stress as they go against each other and the mystery Game Runner. Rainey has a nervous breakdown. The others brandish guns like psychopaths, Josh threatens to shoot up her son’s room first. Both sides continue to shower, rob, and count feverishly.

SCENE 28

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT SHOWER – DAY

LAYER+ MYSTERY – Rainey hears ticking sound, doesn’t know where it’s coming from as she counts and showers desperately. It’s ruining her count. A CLOCK? Can’t find it.

SCENE 29

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – DAY

Josh gathers Rainey’s stuff and puts it on a cart as Kayla keeps count and lugs the cart outside, empties it, comes back. They work furiously.

SETUP – Josh wants to kill the game runner, whoever it is. Kayla makes him focus.

SCENE 30

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT SHOWER – DAY

Rainey falls, hurts herself, calls robbers for help. She left her pills and cane in her room. They refuse. Desperate, hurt, she puts on a bathrobe, leaves the shower running.

A new note mysteriously pinned to her shower orders her back in the shower.

WHO IS THE PERSON? HOW DO THEY KNOW? HOW DO THEY GET IN?

The smell of baking cookies wafts from a vent. It’s Afghani birinjee! The Game Runner knows what she’s doing by sense of smell-Rainey invents a name-THE SNIFFER!

Rainey screams to robbers – it’s THE SNIFFER, he smells through the vents!

She rubs bamboo charcoal on herself to mask her smell, puts on her bathrobe.

Suddenly a smell of gas fumes from the vents chokes her and the robbers.

SCENE 31

INT. RAINEY’S BEDROOM – DAY

She tumbles out of the bathroom. They are all coughing and suffocating.

SETUP-She finds Kayla near a vent doing something, but Kayla quickly gets up.

LET’S BREAK THE RULES!-Rainey asks robbers to help find THE SNIFFER. Josh agrees, wants to kill THE SNIFFER who got him in debt. Kayla wants to finish the game.

Josh is caught between wanting to kill THE SNIFFER and wanting to kill Rainey to win. Kayla nudges him against Rainey. He spills Rainey’s pills on purpose, takes her cane.

LAYER-As Rainey reaches for her pill tin, Kayla puts down a round object about same size. Rainey grabs it instead of pill tin (deliberately?), along with a plastic library card.

LAYER-A new note announces: ‘even if both sides end on time, you die. No double victory allowed. Guns will backfire and kill both sides as they kill each other.’

LAYER-This makes Josh go berserk, as Kayla accuses Rainey of leaving the shower and ‘finishing too early’ and Josh aims to shoot her.

LAYER – Kayla is manipulating Josh into shooting Rainey.

Rainey escapes to – her son’s room…

SCENE 32

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT – SON’S ROOM – DAY

MASS INSANITY – Triple Insanity – Rainey is a good hider, but Josh shoots at every hiding place. The gun doesn’t backfire like the rules said! Rainey peeks. It’s because Josh has cheated and brought his own gun!

He finds her. In his rage and insanity, he forgets which gun is which, uses wrong gun.

Kayla screams: Shoot too early and it backfires! Too late. He’s dead.

SCENE 33

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT BEDROOM – DAY

Afraid, Rainey and Kayla see a new note on the dresser. ‘Don’t think of working together or finishing too late. A bomb will go off, killing you both’. So – WIN OR LOSE, BOTH DIE!

The two hug; for a moment, it feels like friendship. Rainey again asks Kayla to work together. THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN! Unless they find the Game Runner. But Kayla has an evil plan to kill Rainey first – and soon. She holds up Josh’s good gun.

REVEAL-Kayla will kill her! Rainey escapes to the bathroom. Both resume the race, giving Rainey time to think.

SCENE 34

INT. RAINEY’S APARTMENT SHOWER – DAY

LAYER-Rainey hears the ticking sound again-the clock! She rubs more charcoal on, leaves shower running. Looks again, finally finds the bomb deep under bathroom sink.

LAYER-A new strange scent comes from the bathroom vent – curry!!!

Rainey takes the bomb and gun, uses plastic library card to unlock the mystery door.

SCENE 35

INT. BUILDING TUNNELS – DAY

LAYER-(+SOME KIND OF REVEAL) Rainey sees an arm. A gloved, masked ninja turns a corner, runs away in the tunnel. Rainey takes up the chase, crippled and slow, enters series of tunnels and warrens through which THE SNIFFER moves!

Ideas -Slippery floors, round echoey walls, hard for crippled Rainey to get a grasp

LAYER-Fear and excitement build as she closes in on Game Runner while bomb she carries ticks away. Ideas -THE SNIFFER puts obstacles in path-she uses DIY devices to bust out, Scratches or digs her way out? Walls in tunnel contract, she can’t breathe?

She outsmarts THE SNIFFER in some way, is about to rip off their ninja mask when-

THE SNIFFER escapes and disappears.

Rainey emerges from the tunnel to another locked door, unlocks it with the card, enters.

SCENE 36

INT. UNKNOWN APARTMENT – DAY

LAYER – An apartment. Person’s back is turned. Note on door challenges her to shoot this person, see if her gun will backfire. Curry steam wafts in air. Vision, hearing foggy.

MIDPOINT TURNING POINT –

SCENE 37

INT. UNKNOWN APARTMENT – DAY

REVEAL – Everything clears, she sees her furniture piled in the room, her son’s things, hears music, same Afghani music she heard before. The person turns around. Bobo, the disabled kid! He’s playing the piano. Bobo is THE SNIFFER???!!!!

==============

ACT 3:

RETHINK EVERYTHING – (Bobo as the Game Runner)

SCENE 38

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

LAYER-She accuses, grills him on his suspicious dad, takes his wheelchair, puts bomb in his apartment. He sobs. It’s not him! Kayla’s using apartment to store stolen stuff.

LAYER-Something makes her think he did it more-story dad went to buy more curry?

NEW PLAN –

SCENE 39

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

Rainey sees her son’s stuff, moves it from Bobo’s apartment as bomb ticks down

Kayla comes in with a load. She and Rainey have confrontation, give both their secret identities away. Kayla is the Game Runner. Rainey is investigating recent vet deaths.

REVEAL?-I HAVEN’T WORKED OUT THIS PART AND THE EXPOSITION YET- Kayla is a virulent anti war activist who wants to kill anyone who’s served in the military. She knew Rainey was a former soldier, and she engineered Josh’s death, another vet. Bobo is just collateral but his dad was an Afghan who helped U.S. soldiers during the war.

OR – Rainey knows it’s her, but doesn’t let on! (Not sure yet which way to go)

Surface Layer: Kayla is the last one you’d suspect as the Game Runner.

Beneath: She is THE SNIFFER and mastermind getting people to die

How Revealed: Here – or later in awkward shooting through the wall in Act 4.

TURNING POINT – HUGE FAILURE/MAJOR SHIFT – (Kayla as the Game Runner)

SCENE 40

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

REVEAL/NEW LAYER/SETUP-Kayla grabs bomb back, starts a new game with bomb here now. Bobo must play piano while Rainey moves son stuff back in. Til bomb blows.

IDEAS FOR KAYLA’S GAME – Not well worked out yet –

To Bobo-What’s longest song you know? Play that one-if you finish it before your dad gets home, I spare him. If he comes home first, he dies and you die.

Kayla will blow up the bomb right by Bobo cuz he can’t move without wheelchair

To Rainey -What’s your most valuable possession? Son’s artwork.

Kayla starts burning all Rainey’s son’s clothes and toys and artwork-one by one

If you move all the furniture back before Bobo gets done, I spare your son’s artwork. If you don’t get done in time, I burn it and go find your son and kill him.

Rainey and Bobo move/play fast as they can. Kayla mocks them and bomb ticks down.

PLAY FAST AND MAYBE YOU WON’T DIE! FASTER. FASTER. FASTER!
================

ACT 4:

FINAL PLAN – (Rainey as the Game Runner)

SCENE 41

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

Suddenly the ticking time bomb stops. Everyone freezes.

REVEAL -Kayla says-Time’s UP! She takes out the round object she thinks is her bomb detonator and game control box. But she’s holding Rainey’s empty pill tin!

CLIMAX / ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF THE CONFLICT –

SCENE 42

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

REVEAL – Rainey pulls out the bomb detonator/control box she took from the dresser earlier instead of her empty pill tin. RAINEY IS THE GAME RUNNER NOW.

REVEAL-(need more setups for Reveal that Rainey is really working with Veteran’s Affairs to investigate who is killing war vets. Or it may stay higher up where I have it.

SCENE 43

INT. CO-OP HALLWAY/BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

INTRIGUE – How to make Kayla a pawn in the game ? Maybe Rainey makes her haul the dead Josh out of her apt. and out of the building with bomb going off at any moment strapped to Kayla as Bobo plays piano. But Josh’s body is heavy and Kayla is hurt???

Kayla begs, feels the helplessness of being a pawn in the game. From hallway, she gives Rainey instructions on how to stop bomb as she struggles with Josh body. Rainey pretends to make a mistake, has to start again. The bomb could go off any moment.

SCENE 44

INT. HALLWAY/RAINEY’S APARTMENT/BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

Maybe a girl fight????

SCENE 45
INT. HALLWAY/BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY
LAYER-Desperate Kayla drops Josh in hallway, takes bomb off, runs in Bobo apartment and steals controller from Rainey, drops the bomb in apartment, leaves Rainey and Bobo without cane or wheelchair, as the bomb gets ready to blow. She taunts Rainey to shoot her through the wall, see what happens. Maybe the gun won’t backfire after all.

SCENE 46

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

LAYER-Heart-pounding tension, not knowing who, what to fight. Is Bobo in with Kayla?

LAYER – Sack the dad arrives with his curry. Is Sack in with Kayla?

CJ – Rainey stops to meditate on her kid and how she’s got to do this for him???

SCENE 47

INT. CO-OP HALLWAY/BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

Kayla shoots Rainey through wall but gun doesn’t backfire on her! A switch to turn it off?

SCENE 48

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY

Rainey asks Bobo/Sack??? to do something brave to prove themselves? It fails?

Hurt, unable to escape, out of options, a desperate Rainey undoes the switch on her gun, shoots spastically and desperately through wall at random with her crippled hand. Shots go haywire. Bobo and Sack help her. Bobo on the floor helps keep her upright. Sack helps her aim as he prays to Allah.

DEEPER MEANING-CJ -Sack feels deep kinship to his religion and land of his birth (Afghanistan), Rainey feels she must survive for her child ?? Harness all her resources.

RESOLUTION –

(I DON’T LOVE THIS ENDING YET, MORE OF A PLACEHOLDER)

SCENE 49

INT. DESTROYED CO-OP HALLWAY – DAY

Rainey’s haywire shots somehow hit Kayla.

REVEAL – Explosion finally goes off. But not in Bobo’s apartment. Kayla, who’s in the hallway, was wearing a suicide vest! It blew when Rainey’s haywire shots got it.

SCENE 50

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT DOORWAY – DAY

REVEAL-Rainey sobs, wanted JUSTICE IN A COURT for Kayla! She was investigating vet deaths. She had her! Bobo, crying, comforts her, says she couldn’t have known Kayla was wearing a suicide vest. Sirens sound in the distance, getting closer.

OR – Bobo, crying, wonders why the bomb didn’t go off in his apartment. Rainey says she had already turned it off with the bomb controller, as she had no plans to blow up Kayla. She wanted her to see justice!

OR – ????

SCENE 51

INT. DESTROYED CO-OP HALLWAY – DAY

REVEAL-Nearby doorbell rings. Rainey peeks out, sees cute-plain guy at her door, eying devastation in the hallway, holding a bouquet of flowers. “Didn’t we have a date?”

INT. BOBO’S APARTMENT – DAY (OPTIONAL) (NOT SURE ABOUT THIS)
Bonnie…comes with a crew, to reveal Rainey and her veterans investigation.???

==================================

[Gina Coviello]

Gina’s Outline (first draft)

Title: Pressure Point (not the official title)

Genre: Action Thriller

Logline: A medical research team finds themselves trapped in their deep sea lab after an ocean earthquake damages the base, communication, and life support systems.

(ACT 1)

1. EXT. OCEAN – DAY

OPENING: A calm day on the ocean’s surface. But below, a two-person submarine travels down into the deep, until it comes upon a deep sea laboratory on the ocean floor. The submarine docks.

2. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – DAY

MARCUS exits the sub into the base. There is no one there. He calls out a hello, and then hears voices. He heads that way.

3. INT. LENA’S LAB – DAY

In a lab, DR. LENA COLE and DR. NADINE WEXLER are arguing over each other’s methods and the lack of progress to date. Nadine’s system isn’t able to access the classified system in Lena’s lab. Marcus enters, interrupting the heated discussion. Lena apologizes for not meeting him when he arrived and offers to show him around on their way to the security office.

4. INT. ISAAC’S LIVING QUARTERS – DAY

CJ (Isaac): In his private chamber, DR. ISAAC GRAYSON hears Lena and Marcus coming toward him. He quickly pockets a prescription bottle of pills. (FEAR / SECRET – he’s hiding his drug use from everyone.) Lena introduces him to Marcus, and they continue on. Isaac closes the door, pulls out the pills, and takes two. (1)

5. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – DAY

Lena and Marcus walk past another lab, where DR. OLIVER BRENNAN is working. He is laser-focused on his work and doesn’t notice them. Best not to bother him when he’s like this. They continue on.

6. INT. SECURITY OFFICE – DAY

CJ (Keller): IT expert KELLER sits at the control board, manning the video monitors and system. As he hears voices coming, he quickly types and submits something on the system moments before Lena and Marcus arrive. Keller is surprisingly friendly, considering an additional security expert has been hired to oversee operations here. (HOPE) As Lena gets ready to head back to her lab, Marcus hands her a package from the facility on land.

7. INT. NADINE’S LAB – DAY

CJ (Nadine): Nadine is working in her lab, scribbling formulas in a notebook, looking at cells under a microscope. Her computer DINGS with a new message – an encrypted email, threatening her family if she doesn’t deliver. (FEAR / SECRET) (2)

7.5 – INT. SECURITY OFFICE – DAY

PLACEHOLDER – NEED A SCENE BETWEEN MARCUS AND KELLER – Keller is friendly, but what he says and the way he says it can be taken in a different way, like maybe he’s not so friendly.

8. INT. LENA’S LAB – DAY

CJ (Lena): Lena opens the package from Marcus – a sample of a new virus that has been discovered, as well as a flash drive with reports and other information, expressing the urgency of their studies (FEAR). She puts it aside, disregarding it, and pulls up another file, medical charts of another person infected with a rare virus – her child (SECRET). She looks at the far wall in her lab, where venomous marine creatures float in large tanks. Isaac interrupts her, asks if she is going to come by later, she tells him yes.

9. INT. DINING AREA – EVENING

Lena, Nadine, Marcus, Isaac, and Keller sit around a table, eating dinner, comparing notes. (HOPE) Keller has a tablet that remotely displays the monitors and systems. Where’s Oliver? Still in his lab.

10. INT. OLIVER’S LAB – NIGHT

Oliver analyzes virus cells under a scope. He adds a drop of a potential cure, but it doesn’t work. Frustrated, he types notes into the computer. Lena rounds the corner with a plate of food. He needs to eat, but he really shouldn’t be eating in the room with the deadly pathogens.

11. INT. ISAAC’S OFFICE – NIGHT

WOUND (Lena): Lena and Isaac sit in plush chairs across from each other. He’s the group’s therapist, not her lover. He asks about her daughter and if there has been any progress on her condition. He is the only one who knows that she is sick.

12. INT. LENA’S LAB – DAY

CJ (Lena): Lena pulls out a vial of venom collected from a box jellyfish, and a blood sample labeled “Patient L.” She prepares two slides, placing a drop of blood on one slide and a drop of venom on the other. She inspects them under the microscope, and then combines them, looking again. (INTRIGUE) She sighs, frustrated that she hasn’t found a solution yet. (3)

13. INT. OLIVER’S LAB – DAY

Oliver draws a syringe-full of another virus culture.

INCITING INCIDENT: An ocean earthquake rattles the station, damaging areas and wreaking havoc with the computer systems.

CJ (Oliver): As he dispenses a drop on the slide, an earthquake rattles the lab and he accidentally sticks himself with the needle. He’s infected?? He hangs on to his table until the quake settles. He rushes to the sink, scrubs the area vigorously and bandages it, like nothing happened. (FEAR)

14. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – DAY

The other doctors rush into the hallway to see if everyone is alright. Marcus is not far behind. Oliver speaks to the others, but won’t join them in the hallway. He stays in the doorway to his lab.

15. INT. SECURITY OFFICE – DAY

TURNING POINT: Keller checks the systems and tells the others that everything is sound and is up and running. (HOPE) While no one is looking, he sends out an encrypted message. But Nadine sees him doing it.

(ACT 2)

16. INT. SECURITY OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

NEW PLAN/PLAN IN ACTION: Marcus comes up with a plan for everyone to assess the damage to determine if it is safe to continue their work. Marcus will check the structural integrity of the base, Keller the computer systems, and the doctors will check their labs to make sure the contagions are secure. Off they go, but Nadine doesn’t go far.

17. INT. SECURITY OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER

Keller pulls a flash drive out of his pocket and inserts it into the computer. He begins copying data and downloading files. He pulls out a secret laptop, attaches a few files and sends out an encrypted email.

CJ (Nadine): Nadine is in the doorway, watching him without his knowledge. Now she knows he is working for the people who are blackmailing her by threatening her family. She confronts him. He intimidates her by repeating the threats from his employer. (CONSPIRACY)

18. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY – DAY

Marcus moves through the base from one end to the other, using his phone camera to make note of any cracks, anything out of place, any reason to be alarmed. Aside from some minor damage, the structure remains sound.

19. INT. OLIVER’S LAB – DAY

Oliver needs to cure himself before he infects the crew or dies. The race is on. He goes back to work and forgets to look over his lab. He doesn’t notice that the bolts holding the refrigerated case of virus vials to the wall are loose.

20. INT. NADINE’S LAB – DAY

Nadine is searching all of the files on the system, but can’t find any information on the virus they are looking for. The information is on the classified system in Lena’s lab.

21. INT. DINING HALL – NIGHT

The group discusses the base and any areas of concern. Keller reports that he checked the computer systems and that everything is operational. (FALSE HOPE) He also tells them that he spoke with the facility on land, and they ordered them to continue working, as the base and system are secure. Oliver stops in the doorway, tells them his area is good. But he doesn’t look good. Lena wants to examine him, but he says he just needs some sleep. (DREAD)

22. INT. LENA’S LAB – LATE NIGHT

Nadine slips in and uses the hack Keller gave her to access the secure system. (6) She finds the virus they are looking for and begins downloading the information. She looks around the lab and sees the vials marked “Patient L.” She searches the system and finds the files. They are about Lena’s daughter. Nadine downloads those files as well, and slips out.

23. INT. SECURITY OFFICE – LATE NIGHT

Keller slips in and sabotages a part of the system, making sure that communications with the surface can’t come back online. (FEAR)

24. INT. NADINE’S LAB – LATE NIGHT

Nadine fires up her system, but instead of working on the virus for Keller, she chooses Lena’s files and begins working on a solution to that instead.

24.5 PLACEHOLDER – Add another scene here to split up Nadine working in the evening and then the next morning. Or maybe put Keller’s sabotage scene between these two Nadine scenes.

25. INT. NADINE’S LAB – MORNING

Nadine hasn’t left her lab since last night and is still working on the cure for Lena’s daughter. She finds something Lena missed in incorporating the venom into a possible cure. She downloads all of the data onto a flash drive and pockets it.

26. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – MORNING

Marcus walks the halls, double checking the structure. He sees the tiniest of cracks with a slow bead of water appearing.

27. EXT. MEDICAL FACILITY – DAY

MIDPOINT TURNING POINT: A second, more powerful quake hits.

28. INT. OLIVER’S LAB – DAY

CJ (Oliver): The refrigerated unit storing virus cultures disconnects from the wall and crashes to the ground. Oliver immediately collapses. (FEAR) (Dilemma for Oliver – Does he risk infecting everyone to possibly save himself?)

28.5 INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

The tiny crack that Marcus was looking at splits open, water gushing in. It knocks him on his ass and slides him down the hall. He regains his footing and starts running toward the doorway. The doors begin to close. He hauls ass and baseball slides through the door just as it slams closed, catching the tail end of his jacket and cutting it in two.

29. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – DAY

Nadine runs down the hall toward Oliver’s lab.

30. INT. LENA’S LAB – DAY

The cases in Lena’s lab holding the venomous marine life break, sending the creatures and hundreds of gallons of water out into the lab. Lena dives onto her desk as a sea snake lunges for her, then swims away. As the base begins to fill with water, the rest swim away unseen, through the flooding corridors. (FEAR)

31. INT. OLIVER’S LAB – DAY

CJ (Oliver): Oliver sees Nadine stumbling toward his lab to help him. He drags himself across the floor and slams the door lock button to seal himself inside.

32. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – DAY

CJ (Oliver): The others watch helplessly as Oliver dies. (DEATH)

33. INT. SECURITY OFFICE – DAY

CJ (Keller): Now despite actually trying, Keller can’t get the communications system up and running. He tells the others he can do it, that he just needs a little time, but he is lying. The systems have failed. They are on their own. (FEAR) He looks through the system at the areas that are still accessible in the facility, planning to escape in one of the submarines, leaving them all behind. (CONSPIRACY?) The base’s safety system slams down several of the watertight doors, containing the worst of the damage and flooding. For now.

(ACT 3)

34. INT. NADINE’S LAB – LATER

RETHINK EVERYTHING: Despite the current danger of their situation, after the death of Oliver, Lena makes the call that everyone must be tested for any contagions before they are unleashed on the surface. Keller balks at this, but the rest are in agreement, knowing they can’t risk bringing deadly pathogens to the surface. (FEAR)

Isaac draws blood from everyone including himself, and will use the lab to run it through a battery of tests. It’s best if everyone returns to their quarters.

35. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

As they wade through the knee-high water, Marcus watches Keller, beginning to mistrust him. But his main concern is getting everyone out safely. (HOPE)

36. INT. DINING AREA – AFTERNOON

Keller confronts Nadine, threatening that if she doesn’t get what they want and get him out of there, he'll make sure they know how uncooperative she is being. (FEAR)

37. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Lena stops short of the door to the dining area and overhears the exchange, but she only caught the tail end and what she hears is too vague with no real proof of any wrongdoing.

38. INT. MARCUS’S LIVING QUARTERS – AFTERNOON

There is a knock at the door. Marcus opens it to find Lena there, and he lets her in. She tells him her concerns about Nadine and Keller. He admits his mistrust of Keller, but advises her to not accuse anyone without proof. If they’re up to something, they’ll keep their guards up around us. If they’re not, you won’t damage any relationships. (HOPE)

39. INT. NADINE’S LAB – EVENING

Isaac informs them that everyone is cleared, no one else is infected.

NEW PLAN: Marcus orders them to gather up whatever data and research they need, because they are evacuating in 10 minutes. (HOPE)

CJ (Nadine): Nadine stays behind to clear out her research. When everyone has left, she opens a drawer and pulls out a small plastic zip-lock bag, seals the flash drive inside it, and puts it back in her pocket.

40. INT. LENA’S LAB – EVENING

CJ (Lena): Lena wades through her lab to gather her data for evacuation. Before she can gather anything, the lab begins to flood. The data to save her child will be lost. She knows that the safety of her peers and getting them out is more important, and even though it kills her to do so, she abandons the research rather than jeopardize everyone’s lives by holding up the evacuation. (Dilemma for Lena – Does she risk them all dying in the failing lab in order to find a cure for her dying child, or save everyone else and risk losing her?)

41. INT. LENA’S LAB – CONTINUOUS

CJ (Lena): The rising water in her lab shifts the equipment and blocks the doorway, trapping her inside. She calls for help. (FEAR)

42. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Marcus is heading that way and hears her. He rushes to her, dislodging the debris and freeing her. (HOPE)

43. EXT. MEDICAL FACILITY – CONTINUOUS

TURNING POINT: Huge Failure/Major Shift: The earthquake caused a landslide, and the base is shifting toward the edge of the ocean floor where it drops off into darkness. (FEAR)

44. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

CJ (Isaac): Isaac wades through the rising water toward Lena’s lab, not knowing Marcus already evacuated her. He pushes through the debris and heads her way. The security system of the base senses the flooding section and locks it down, trapping him inside. (TRAGEDY)

45. INT. SECURITY OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

CJ (Keller): Looking at the failing monitors, Keller sees Isaac trapped in the flooding room, but can’t override the system and save him. The damage he did to the system can’t be overturned now that the base is shutting down. (FEAR) (Dilemma for Keller – How is he going to get out of there with the files and without anyone stopping him?)

46. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

CJ (Isaac): Trapped in the flooded corridor, Isaac drowns. (DEATH)

47. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Marcus gets them to the two-person submarines, but the doors are crushed from the pressure of the ocean and they can’t get to them to escape. He turns to Keller for help with the systems, but Keller has disappeared. (BETRAYAL)

Lena turns on Nadine, and she confesses that she is being blackmailed, that they threatened her family, that Keller was sent there to watch her. But at the same time, he is stealing the base’s research and secrets to sell to their competitor. But she planned to give them the virus with one component missing, and send their company the virus and its cure, rendering it useless to the bioterrorists. (HOPE)

Marcus tries to access the failing system but is unsuccessful. Nadine hands him the hack that Keller gave her. He is able to get into the system and see that Keller compromised the base, and the messages from the surface ordering them to evacuate before the second quake came in. The only reason they didn’t evacuate immediately is because Keller didn’t have what he needed. There’s only one other way out, and that bastard is going to take it and leave them there to die. (TERROR)

(ACT 4)

48. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

FINAL PLAN: As the three of them race to the submersible, the rest of the base floods with water. They’re running out of time! As they slog through the water, the levels climb higher and higher. (FEAR)

49. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY – CONTINUOUS

CLIMAX: Ultimate Expression of Conflict:

CJ (Keller): Keller heads to the submersible ahead of the others, fully intending to leave them behind. He comes to an area completely flooded, and has to swim through to get to the next air pocket. The sea snake brushes past him, startling him. He takes a deep breath and dives in, swimming toward the next room.

As he swims, the box jellyfish swims dangerously nearby, but Keller doesn’t see it. He is focused on getting to the next air pocket. The jellyfish brushes its tentacles into Keller and stings him. Keller flails around in the water trying to get it off of him, but goes into cardiac arrest. He sinks to the bottom of the corridor and dies. (DEATH)

50. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY – CONTINUOUS

Marcus, Lena, and Nadine arrive at the flooded section. They must swim through the corridor to get to the next air pocket, not knowing if there is a way out. Lena confesses she is not a good swimmer. (FEAR)

Marcus rips some wiring off of the wall and ties it around Lena’s hand and the other end around his own. He tells her to help as much as she can, and to not let go. He asks Nadine about her abilities, and she says she was captain of the swim team in college. (HOPE)

Nadine dives in first, and swims through the corridor. Marcus and Lena follow right behind her. Marcus is a strong swimmer, but he has to help Lena by pulling her along. As they swim, something brushes Lena’s leg. She turns to look and sees Keller’s dead body floating next to her. (PANIC)

CJ (Lena): As she flails around trying to get away from him, she takes in water and begins to drown. Marcus hauls her along until they get to the chamber where there is air. Nadine helps Marcus heave Lena to the platform. She’s not breathing. (TRAGEDY)

Marcus begins giving her CPR. After a few agonizing moments, Lena coughs up the water and regains consciousness. (HOPE)

51. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY SUBMERSIBLE HATCH – CONTINUOUS

(HOPE) Lena, Marcus and Nadine get to the submersible. Lena sees a coat hanging inside it. Shivering, she puts it on. But…

52. INT. SUBMERSIBLE – CONTINUOUS

Once inside, they see that it can’t be jettisoned from the inside. There is too much damage to the interior controls. (FEAR)

(HOPE) While Marcus and Lena rush to find a solution…

CJ (Nadine): Nadine slips the flash drive out of her pocket and into Lena’s without her noticing.

53. INT. MEDICAL FACILITY SUBMERSIBLE HATCH – CONTINUOUS

CJ (Nadine): Nadine slips out and seals the hatch from the outside. Lena sees and runs to the door, trying to talk Nadine into changing her mind. Nadine tells her to take care of her daughter, to save her, and hits the eject button, sacrificing herself to save them.

54. INT. SUBMERSIBLE – CONTINUOUS

RESOLUTION: Lena and Marcus watch the base and Nadine slide off the shelf into the dark abyss of the ocean… (TRAGEDY)

55. EXT. OCEAN – CONTINUOUS

(HOPE) As they rise up to the surface, the beacon on the submersible calls to the land station. They open the top hatch and breathe fresh air. Lena puts her hands in the pockets of the jacket to warm herself. She looks puzzled, and pulls out the flash drive that Nadine slipped to her. They are finally free. (I may or may not give them one more trial on their way up to the surface, I just haven’t brainstormed that yet.) (7)

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  Gina Coviello. Reason: Because every time I post an assignment for the first time, even though I leave spaces, it posts it as one huge paragraph