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Lesson 11: Exchange Critiques on Your Pitches
Post your assignments here
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6 Replies
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Margaret’s 4 Pitches
What I learned: Needed critiques from other screenwriters not in this class – seems no one in the class is at this section yet.
Elevator Pitch
Writing a story about St. Patrick facing the goddess Morrigan in a death-defying battle for the soul of a king.
Phone Pitch
Hi, I’m Margaret Silebi, and I have a script that is a unique blend of historical legend and fantasy, focusing on the transformative journey of St. Patrick.
Ask Permission: Hi! I’m Margaret Silebi and I’m wondering if I could run a quick 30 second pitch by you? The genre is a Fantasy/Drama called the Rock of Cashel. It is a unique blend of historical legend and fantasy, focusing on the transformative journey of St. Patrick.
Credibility: I am an optioned screenwriter and I came to your company because I loved the movie, “…”
Pitch Fest Pitch
Hi, I’m Margaret and I’m an optioned screenwriter.
I have a Fantasy Drama called “The Rock of Cashel.”
The Rock of Cashel is a unique blend of historical legend and fantasy, focusing on the transformative journey of Patrick, a slave who becomes a priest, battling druids and the Queen of the Irish otherworld to save a king and a nation.
Budget: $5-10 million
Actors for lead roles: Chris Pratt; Ryan Gosling
Acts:
Act 1: Patrick is kidnapped and taken to Ireland. He escapes and returns to Britain where he becomes a priest. After receiving a mission from God, he returns to the land of his slavery.
Act 2: A prophecy sets Patrick as the target for the Queen of the Otherworld, Morrigan. His mission to evangelize the people is filled with resistance, temptation, and betrayal all orchestrated by the goddess’ malevolent forces. Patrick is captured and taken to Mt. Cruachan where he faces the powers of the Otherworld.
Act 3: As Patrick faces his inner demons and grapples with the supernatural, the story culminates in a breathtaking climax. The battle between light and darkness, faith and fear, unfolds with epic proportions. Divine intervention, angels against otherworld creatures, and the unbreakable spirit of our hero lead to a triumphant conclusion.
What have I done? One feature optioned, written 3 other features, all have placed in contests, all have received a “recommend” on coverage.
Query Letter
Concept: Patrick is pitted against the Queen of the Otherworld in a death-defying battle to save the life of the King. Inspired by the life and legends of St. Patrick.
Genre: Fantasy/Drama
Is there some truth to the legends of St. Patrick?
Patrick, a young man with a restless spirit, is unwittingly drawn into a world of darkness, captured by kidnappers disguised as fishermen, and taken to Ireland. Thrust into a life of servitude under Milcho, Patrick faces the hardships of captivity and a divine calling. When an ancient prophecy makes him a threat to the Queen of the Otherworld, Morrigan, she sends Bacrah, the high king’s chief druid, to kill him.
Will the Queen of the Otherworld succeed in deterring Patrick from his mission?
Patrick escapes Bacrah and returns to Britain where he receives a mission from God. He returns to Ireland as a priest determined to share the message of God’s love. Along the way, he encounters resistance, temptation, and betrayal, all orchestrated by Morrigan’s malevolent forces. Patrick faces Bacrah at the castle, captured, and sent to Mt. Cruachan where he faces the powers of the Otherworld.
Will Patrick survive the onslaught of the Otherworld?
As Patrick faces his inner demons and grapples with the supernatural, the story culminates in a breathtaking climax. The battle between light and darkness, faith and fear, unfolds with epic proportions. Divine intervention, miraculous occurrences, and the unbreakable spirit of our hero lead to a triumphant conclusion.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: Margaret Silebi is an optioned screenwriter.
Contact Information:
Margaret Silebi 541-525-5592
Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/margaret-silebi-aa90b033
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Margaret,
Would you be willing to critique my pitches? If so let me know. I posted them in the forum.
Respectfully Yours,
Lloyd Shellenberger
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BRIAN BULL – 4 PITCHES – DRAFT #1
VISION!!!
My ultimate goal is to get my scripts from my hands to the SILVER SCREEN!!“What I learned from doing this assignment is…
I’m getting closer than ever to achieving my VISION.
ASSIGNMENT
Post your 4 pitches (elevator pitch, phone pitch, pitch fest pitch, and QL) and exchange critiques.
Post your 4 pitches for critique on the forums under Lesson 11.1. Elevator pitch
I’ve written a movie called… “THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY” – think ON GOLDEN POND meets JAWS.
If that sparks their interest then…
It’s about… a fisherman trying to catch a catfish for 25 years that he blames for his brother’s death, in the end, he catches the catfish and realizes the startling truth: he himself was “The One That Got Away”; needless to say – to his surprise…it is ONE REALLY BIG CATFISH.
2. Phone pitch
Hi, I’m BRIAN BULL and I’m wondering if I could run a quick pitch by you?
There are over 50 million fishermen in the United States as of 2022, I’ve written a movie just for them called, “The One That Got Away – A Fisherman’s Tale”.
It’s a Drama / Horror – think On Golden Pond meets JAWS.
The story in a nutshell is …
For 25 years, John has been fishing the same spot, with the same bait, determined to catch the fish that had gotten away; a catfish he blames for his brother’s death, only to realize the startling truth: he himself was “The One That Got Away”; needless to say – to John’s surprise…it’s ONE REALLY BIG CATFISH!!!
3. Pitch Fest pitch
Hi, I’m an optioned screenwriter who specializes in Speculative Fiction – Twilight Zone if you will.
Pitch: I’ve written a movie for the 50 million fisherman in the United Staes called, THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY – A Fisherman’s Tale.
It’s ON GOLDEN POND meets JAWS.
It’s a low-budget movie – $1 million to $5 million.
Most of the action takes place in the enigmatic and foreboding Louisiana Bayous.
For 25 years, John has been fishing the same spot, with the same bait, determined to catch the fish that had gotten away; a catfish he blames for his brother’s death, only to realize the startling truth: he himself was “The One That Got Away”; needless to say – to John’s surprise…it’s ONE REALLY BIG CATFISH!!!
4. Query Letter
Title: THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY – A Fisherman’s Tale.
Genre: Drama / Suspense / Horror (Golden Pond meets Jaws)
A fisherman blames a catfish for his younger brother’s death when they were kids and for 25 years he’s been seeking revenge / justice in the Louisiana bayous.
Every year, at the same time, going to the same spot, using the same bait as he did the day the catfish pulled him into the water and when he surfaced, found his younger brother not in the boat, the fisherman’s determination hasn’t deterred.
On this day, as he waits, the fisherman recollects all the events that have lead to this juncture.
The bayou becomes eerily silent for a moment…and then…… the moment of reckoning.
John finally catches the catfish he has relentlessly pursued, and his resolve of coming face-to-face with his nemesis has arrived, only to realize the startling truth: he himself was “The One That Got Away”; needless to say – to his surprise…it’s ONE REALLY BIG CATFISH!
Contact Information:
Brian Bull
424 205-7277
bullsproductionservices@gmail.com
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Brian,
I have actually followed your work and learned a lot from watching you. Thanks.
Would you be willing to critique my pitches and I would do the same if that is allright? Let me know please.
Respectfully Yours,
Lloyd Shellenberger
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BRIAN BULL – 4 PITCHES – DRAFT #2
VISION!!!
My ultimate goal is to get my scripts from my hands to the SILVER SCREEN!!
“What I learned from doing this assignment is…
I’m getting closer than ever to achieving my VISION.ASSIGNMENT
Post your 4 pitches (elevator pitch, phone pitch, pitch fest pitch, and QL) and exchange critiques. Post your 4 pitches for critique on the forums under Lesson 11.1. Elevator pitch
I’ve written a movie called… “THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY” – think ON GOLDEN POND meets JAWS.
If that sparks their interest then…
It’s about… a fisherman trying to catch a catfish for 25 years that he blames for his brother’s death, in the end, he catches the catfish and realizes the startling truth: he himself was “The One That Got Away”!!!2. Phone pitch
Hi, I’m BRIAN BULL and I’m wondering if I could run a quick pitch by you?
There are over 50 million fishermen in the United States as of 2022, I’ve written a movie just for them called, “The One That Got Away – A Fisherman’s Tale”.
It’s a Drama / Horror – think On Golden Pond meets JAWS.
The story in a nutshell is …
For 25 years, John has been fishing the same spot, with the same bait, determined to catch the fish that had gotten away; a catfish he blames for his brother’s death, only to realize the startling truth: he himself was “The One That Got Away”!!!
3. Pitch Fest pitch
Hi, I’m an optioned screenwriter who specializes in Speculative Fiction – Twilight Zone if you will.Pitch: I’ve written a movie for the 50 million fisherman in the United States called, THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY – A Fisherman’s Tale.
It’s ON GOLDEN POND meets JAWS.
It’s a low-budget movie – $1 million to $5 million.
Most of the action takes place in the mysterious and foreboding Louisiana Bayous.
For 25 years, John has been fishing the same spot, with the same bait, determined to catch the fish that had gotten away; a catfish he blames for his brother’s death, only to realize the startling truth: he himself was “The One That Got Away”!!!
4. Query Letter
Title: THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY – A Fisherman’s Tale.
Genre: Drama / Suspense / Horror (Golden Pond meets Jaws)A fisherman blames a catfish for his younger brother’s death when they were kids and for 25 years he’s been seeking revenge / justice in the Louisiana bayous.
Every year, at the same time, going to the same spot, using the same bait as he did the day the catfish pulled him into the water, and when he surfaced, he found his younger brother not in the boat, the fisherman’s determination hasn’t wavered.
On this day, as he waits, the fisherman recollects all the events that have lead to this juncture.
The bayou becomes eerily silent for a moment…and then…… the moment of reckoning.
John finally catches the catfish he has relentlessly pursued, and his resolve of coming face-to-face with his nemesis has arrived, only to realize the startling truth: he himself was “The One That Got Away”!!!
If you like this and would want to read the script, please contact me at:
Brian Bull
bullsproductionservices@gmail.com
Phone: 424 205-7277 -
Lloyd’s 4 pitches
Working hard every day to become the best writer I can be and as a result I do become the best writer in Hollywood.
What I learned from this assignment is how to right pitches which I am using even more now.
1. Elevator pitch
I’ve written a movie called… Left Behind, Letters from Baghdad” – Similar to Covenant but it centers around saving the Interpreter’s widow from a terrorist hellbent on revenge.
If that catches their attention, then…
It’s about…An Iraqi interpreter who is murdered while working for the US Army in Baghdad, forcing his military unit to risk their lives and careers to protect the widow and her children from certain death.
2. Phone pitch
Hi, I’m Lloyd Shellenberger and I’m wondering if I could run a quick pitch by you.
At the height of the Iraq Afghanistan wars, over 100,00 locals and interpreters were left behind, persecuted, and murdered after the wars ended, many died waiting for asylum.
It’s an Action/Drama – The covenant with no happy ending for the interpreter.
The pitch goes like this…
After the murder of an Iraqi interpreter, SFC Miles Clark and his unit must risk their lives and careers to save a widow and her children from certain death at the hands of a vengeful terrorist.
3. Pitch Fest pitch
Hi, I’m an ex-AFN Journalist who covered the Iraq Afghanistan wars who specializes in military themed movies and TV shows. This is based upon true events.
Pitch: I’ve written a movie for the hundreds of thousands of local nationals who stepped up during the Iraq Afghanistan wars to help America. They were denied visas, hunted down, and branded traitors by their own countrymen, many of whom were murdered since then.
It’s a mid-budget movie – $10 million to $30 million.
The action takes place in the streets of Baghdad in 2004. It is based upon true events I covered as a journalist.
After the murder of Hammad, the Iraqi interpreter, SFC Clark must make a decision that will put him on a direct collision course with the State Department, his unit and Abu Rami. The stakes are high but selling his soul is not in Sergeant Clark’s future. The widow and her children must get the visas and they must leave Iraq at all costs.
4. Query Letter
Title Left Behind, Letters from Baghdad
Genre: Action Drama Inspired by true events
After the murder of an Iraqi Interpreter, SFC Miles Clark and his unit must risk their lives and careers to save the widow and her children from certain death at the hands of a vengeful terrorist.
SFC Clark’s initial attempts to secure asylum visas for the family fail, forcing Clark and his unit to risk their lives and careers in a plan to face off against Abu-Rami and his crew, in a winner takes all scenario.
The movie ends with SFC Clark taking the interpreter’s ashes atop the Baghdad convention center and releasing them to scatter toward the Haydar-Khana Mosque at the request of the widow. This scene is a metaphor for Clark releasing his past and moving forward. The interpreter’s widow suggests they will both find peace by doing this. The widow is given asylum.
I can be reached at 747-210-1983 Cell or lloydshellenberger@yahoo.com. I have an IMDB Pro page for any inquiry.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Lloyd Shellenberger.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by
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