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Lesson 12
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Jack Young’s Description 1! for “STREAM”
So this is Michael’s vision of another world. I wanted to be able to give the reader imagery that captures the world that Michael is heading for. Originally, the paragraphs of description created way too many images for the reader to hold onto and it included camera directions as well. The “After” version cleans it up quite a bit and makes the images more manageable.
Before:
INT. MICHAEL’S VISION – DAY
Michael falls into a raging energy stream with souls of people moaning/screaming as they whiz by. Then Michael finds himself floating in an ocean of thousands of souls. Above him a huge circular sacred stone the size of a football field and stories high with ancient inscriptions moves closer and closer towards him. His eyes spring open wide.
Michael reaches out to touch the disk and as he does, the seal turns into a round dimensional gateway. He’s now looking into another world, one in the middle of a great war. The planet, with several moons, has mountains and a forest of huge black trees in the landscape.
The city is built around a huge dome-like metal structure that rises hundreds of stories into the brooding sky. The structure rests over huge stone seals hundreds of yards long that are being raised.
Hundreds of thousands of warriors consisting of male and female humans in rags, and synthetic humans in multicolored artificial skins dressed in war garb, battle evil black-winged creatures on the ground and in the air on their own white flying creatures.
EXPLOSIONS erupt and fires BURN and SMOKE fills the alien sky as we focus in on two figures standing high up on a balcony of a black stone fortress overseeing the war. One is a nearly seven-foot tall creature resembling a human/alien hybrid but is black as night and has large outstretched wings reflecting his anxiety. We move in closer…
CLOSEUP on CRONUS, the ruler of this kingdom, called CITY OF SEALS. He face is full of rage and evil. His green and red eyes pierce our very soul.
Next to him, stands a tall and slender not-quite human in a hooded monk’s robe. This is Cronus’s SORCERER. He turns to us and we can see his face…
CLOSEUP on the SORCERER. His skin is a man-made patchwork of sewn together animal/human skins. His eyes are black except for a dull bluish glow. He cocks his head slightly, as if he can sense Michael’s presence.
Suddenly, Jimmy’s voice breaks through the barriers of time and dimension…
YOUNG JIMMY (V.O.)
MICHAEL, ARE YOU OKAY!? WAKE UP!
AFTER:
INT. MICHAEL’S VISION – DAY
Michael falls into a raging energy stream with souls of people moaning as they whiz by him. Michael finds himself afloat in an ocean of souls.
Above him a gigantic circular disk with ancient markings on it moves towards him. His eyes spring open wide.
Michael reaches out to touch the disk. The disk turns into a round dimensional gateway with a view into an alien world.
On a planet with several moons, a great war rages.
In the midst of the war stands a city encircling a huge dome-like metal structure that rises hundreds of stories into the brooding sky.
Hundreds of thousands of human warriors in rags, and synthetic humans in artificial skins in war garb, battle evil black-winged creatures on the ground and in the sky.
Explosions erupt, fires burn, and smoke fills the alien sky, while two figures high up on the balcony of a stone fortress oversee the war.
One is a nearly seven-foot tall part alien part human creature with outstretched wings reflecting his anxiety. Next to him, is his Sorcerer, a slender not-quite human in a hooded monk’s robe.
The Sorcerer reveals his face that is a man-made patchwork of sewn together human skins. His eyes are black with a dull bluish glow. He cocks his head slightly, sensing Michael’s presence.
Suddenly, Jimmy’s voice breaks through the barriers of time and dimension…
YOUNG JIMMY (V.O.)
MICHAEL, ARE YOU OKAY!? WAKE UP!
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Madeleine Vessel’s Description!!
What I learned doing this assignment is that I already have a pretty strong descriptive content. I made a few changes, but overall, everything is in present tense, mostly “show, don’t tell.”, and written through action images.
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