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Lesson 12
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David Wickenden Description 1
What I learned from doing this assignment?
There is always room for better clarity, tone, and atmosphere. Tell vs Show still manages to sneak in.
1. Image: Nervousness
Before
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
A young girl, SUSAN (15) stands at the rail behind the prosecution table speaking softly with her MOM and DAD. Her LAWYER waits patiently beside her, doodling on a legal notepad.
DAD
It’s almost over, sweetheart. Tomorrow we can put this all behind us.
The lawyer glances over at the father, his expression guarded but nervous. His eyes go back to his notepad.
MOM
Everything’s going to fine.
Mom pats her daughter’s hands nervously. She reaches out to push down some untamed hair on her daughter’s head and gives her a perky, yet fake smile.
After
A young girl, SUSAN (15) stands at the rail behind the prosecution table. She is pale, nervous. She fidgets, not knowing what to do with her hands.
The MOM, in her Sunday best attire, has dark circles under her eyes. The DAD wears a wrinkled suit, one hand in his pant pocket, the other rubbing his daughter’s arm.
Her LAWYER waits patiently beside her, doodling on a legal notepad.
DAD
It’s almost over, sweetheart. Tomorrow we can put this all behind us.
The lawyer glances over at the father, his expression guarded but nervous. His eyes go back to his notepad.
MOM
Everything’s going to be fine.
Mom pats her daughter’s hands nervously. She reaches out to push down some untamed hair on her daughter’s head and gives her a perky, yet fake smile.
2. Image: threatened
Before
Her hand flies to her mouth, and she slowly turns, looking for a threat. Hugging herself, she dials 911 on her cell.
After
Her hand flies to her mouth. She turns slowly, scanning the forest for a threat. She hugs herself. With shaking hands, she fumbles to dial 911.
3. Image: Panic
before
Ahead, an unmarked cruiser, the light in the dash, barrels towards them. It comes to a stop, blocking both lanes. The driver breaks hard, and the girl has to brace herself against the back of his seat.
After
Ahead, an unmarked cruiser, the light in the dash, barrels towards them. It comes to a screeching stop, blocking both lanes. The driver stands on the brakes, and the girl is slammed into the back of his seat.
4. Image: surprise
Before
He reads the message.
ROB
They’ve dissected the video of victim number four.
Janice slams the desk with the palm of her hand.
JANICE
(angrily)
He has a name!
She puts both hands to her temples.
JANICE
Sorry. Right out of line. This case is driving me crazy.
ROB
Janice, the entire team feels the way you do. No apologizes necessary. Let’s just catch the son-of-a-bitch.
After
He reads the message.
ROB
They’ve dissected the video of victim number four.
Janice slams the desk with the palm of her hand. The sound echoes across the room. All eyes are wide, staring at the boss, startled at the reaction.
JANICE
(angrily)
He has a name!
She puts both hands to her temples.
JANICE
Sorry. Right out of line. This case is driving me crazy.
The others exchange looks, as if wondering if the director is coming unglued. Rob steps forward.
ROB
Janice, the entire team feels the way you do. No apologizes necessary. Let’s just catch the son-of-a-bitch.
5. Image: impatient
Before
Janice waits impatiently for her boss. The secretary answers the phone and motions her inside. Her superior, IAN WOODS, stands at the front of his desk. He’s close to sixty and his hair is completely white.
After
Janice sits outside her boss’s office. Her foot is bouncing relentlessly while she scrolls the messages on her phone. She keeps glancing at the door. When the secretary finally signals her into the room, she almost launches herself from her chair.
Her superior, IAN WOODS, stands at the front of his desk. He’s close to sixty and his hair is completely white.
JANICE
What’s up, Boss?
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David Thompson’s Description 1!
What I learned doing this assignment is – shoot, no matter how well your descriptions are, they can be made better. Sometimes the changes I’d make don’t work, so I’d work up two or three versions. Sometimes I just broke up the description to how it might look on the screen, the shots one after another.
My five examples:
1:
Before: Tisiphone stops, watches Fallows briefly as he crawls.
She slips off the chopper.
She is lit from behind. All we see is a silhouette. Huge WINGS appear. They spread outward.
Fallows crawls slowly, looking back, eyes wide. His hands grab at the dirt. One hand hits a black boot. Tisiphone’s boot.
After: Tisiphone stops, watches Fallows briefly as he flails in the dirt.
She slips off the motorcycle.
The sun is behind her, and all we see is a silhouette. Huge WINGS appear. They spread outward.
Fallows crawls slowly, looking back, eyes wide. His hands grab at the dirt. One hand hits a black boot.
2:
Before: An old sedan parked under a shady tree. A man is eating lunch and admiring a baseball card in a thick plastic case. A blonde woman appears behind him.
After: A quiet parking lot. A sedan parked under a tree. Simmons eating lunch. As he’s admiring a BASEBALL card in a thick plastic holder, he is stuffing a sandwich into his mouth.
Megaera appears behind him. He doesn’t notice her.
3:
Before: A cop watches Simmons. DAN LANAHAN, around 30ish, skinny, haggard.
After: DAN LANAHAN watches Simmons. Dan is about 40. Thin, pain-weary eyes that have seen it all. A big city cop squeezed into a small town.
4:
Before:
Simmons looks at Megaera – his eyes wild and determined. Dan looks down, then up at Simmons with a glint of anger.
His eyes narrow and his mouth forms a thin, angry line.
Dan’s hand on his gun.
Simmons is distracted by Megaera, Dan takes a step towards Simmons.
The gun fires.
After:
Simmons looks at Megaera – his eyes wild and determined.
Dan looks down at the floor, then back up at Simmons. A glint of fury in Dan’s eyes.
His eyes narrow and his mouth forms a thin, angry line.
Dan’s hand on his gun.
Simmons is distracted by Megaera, Dan takes a step towards Simmons.
BAM – the gun fires.
5: Sometimes it is just changing a word or two…
Before: Alecto moves so that she’s directly over Juan’s head. A lethal KATANA appears in her hand. She snatches Juan up by the hair and SWINGS the katana.
After:
Alecto moves so that she’s directly over Juan. A lethal KATANA appears in her hand. She snatches Juan’s head up by the hair and SWINGS the katana.
Juan’s head goes rolling away.
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