Lesson 12

[j T]

Jessica Tremblay’s scene ratings
What I learned doing this assignment is screenwriting is a process. With the new added scene, the script is now a patchwork of different versions. Some scenes repeat. There are problems with scene structure, pacing and character motivation. It will take a lot of work to fix this. I’m staying optimistic. I understand it’s a process.
I was a bit too generous in the ratings. Frankly, there are lots of transition scenes where nothing happens, but it sets the mood for a horror film (slow and creepy). I was bored reading myself. I have 4-5 set pieces where there’s a lot of action, but will it be enough to sustain reader’s attention? I will concentrate or making these scenes even stronger and see what happens. I also noticed most of my set pieces (strongest ratings) are in act 2-3, which I guess makes sense (Climax, etc.)
There was also problem with scenes numbering. Due to a lot of scenes happening in storage, I have many mini-slug lines (eg. Hallway, lockers), but they were not numbered. So I had to do a lot of reformatting on scene heading / numbering.

The most fun part of the process is that I transferred all the scenes and ratings to excel sheet to create an intensity chart so I can get a visual graph. That's something I always wanted to try. (see instructions at https://moralpremise.blogspot.com/2019/07/ensuring-good-roller-coaster-ride-for_3.html And Monsters inc. intensity chart at https://www.tckpublishing.com/how-to-write-a-screenplay/
IN ORDER OF SCENES

ACT 1
Scene 1. E7 lonely man discovers beast at park.
Scene 2. E4 bought dog food. Picks up leash. Photo of Charlie.
Scene 4. E6 feed monster to come tohouse.
Scene 5. E6 man takes monster in suitcase inside house.
Scene 7. E7 man takes monster in basement. Strangles it. Attack!
Scene 10. E7 john scribbles a message and dies. In his apt.
Scene 12 E4 runs to apt.
Scene 13. E5 removes tag off clothes.
Scene 14. E5 tries on new top.
Scene 16. E5 takes selfie with hyena. Stretches to run.
Scene 17. E6 jogging, white rabbit, meets mike.
Scene 18. E4 he walks her home. They make love.
Scene 19. E4 steals money from mike while he sleeps
Scene 21. E7 dog throws up.
Scene 22. E5 leaves mike at vet.
Scene 24. E3 cleaning up.gets phone call from memento rmori
Scene 26. E4 memento mori funeral.

ACT 2
Scene 29. E4 arriving at father’s place. No pets allowed
Scene 33. E5. Enters father’s apt. looks for dog. Mike calls.she wants to rescue his dog. Nightmare-father pops balloon. Noise in the apat! Catches manager
Scene 34. E3 cleaning up
Scene 36. E3 no mail.
Scene 39. E4 hungover. Manager and resident tours bedroom.
Scene 40. E3 manager tours with renter. He asks for lazyboy
Scene 41 E4. They push lazyboy to his place.
Scene 42. E3 finds message stor– Junk removal don,t take urn.
Scene 43. E4 picks up mail – pension chques. Removal guy pays manager.
Scen 44. E4 bank needs death certificiate. Junk removal won’t give it back.
Scene 45. E3 pregnancy test positive.
Scene 46. E4 pregnancy test seen. Tea with Larsen
Scene 48. E5 doesn’t tell mike about pregnancy. Inspection. He wants her to clean.
Scene 50. E6. Manager won’t take key, wants her to empty locker
Scene 51. E3 entering locker.
Scene 53. E5 Stealing items. Door is blocked. She can’t leave.
Scene 54. E3. She writes a message for help.
Scene 55. E4. She slips message under door. Search another exit. AC banging
Scene 56. E5 browses photo album. Finding the doll. Reading to bunny. Leaky pipe. Urinate.
Scene 57. E6 Tennis ball squeeze. Baby spiders. Hair grabbing. Animal drinking. There’s somethingin the locker, pulling sleeping bag uot. First sight. Barricade. Finds picnic basket. Barricade breach. Attack!
Scene 58 E.5 she crosses to seamstress locker. changes clothe.
Scene 59. E6 crossing on a ladder.
Scene 60. E8 Constr. Locker. uses mirror. Loses bunny. Poison balloon. truce at he water hole.
Scene61. E4 she removes clothes from doll. Realizes beast is hungry.
Scene 63. E7. Uses picnic basket with baby mice to attract monster, but saves them.
Scene 64. E7Saves mouse, they get eaten. She runs.
Scene 66. E7. Uses camera flash to blind beast. Takes weird selfies.
Scene 68. E4 loses bunny, by throwing it like a grenade. It gets eaten, slows down the beast.
Scene 69. E7. Joanna makes a diversion and stays to help mrs Larsen, getting the beast
Scene 71. E6. Larsen dies, can’t make it over wall (warning: this is a repeat, see scene 77-78)
Scene 72. E7. Failure. Sowing wounds (REPEAT SCENE TO FIX). Realizes door is open! She could leave. Time to get dirty. Breaking things.
Scene 76. E8 Stakeout. She bows. Inflates raft.
Scene 77. E5 Larsen not dead!

ACT 3
Scene 78. E5 Larsen not dead – tells monster origin story. Dies. Joanna does a loop. Opens all locker. Dilemna: Stay or help Larsen? (PROBLEM TO FIX HERE) She stays.
Scene 80. E6 opening all lockers. Larsen gets eaten. She retreats.
Scene 81. E6 breaking things montage. Losing doll. Saving doll.
Scene 83. E8. Naming the baby. Beast steals doll who cries mamma. She goes after the doll. She removes all protective clothing.
Scene 85. E8. Resurrection. AC unit doesn’t fall. Beast not dead. Fight mano a mano. Discovers a tit. Beast is female and giving birth. She opens locker
Scene 86. E5 discovers Charlie her father’s stuffed dog and another from father.

ACT4
Scene 87. E8 Manager enters storage and discovers the mess.
Scene 88. E6 She tries to escape but is stopped by Manager.
Scene 89. E9. Manager wants to kill her for the money.
Scene 92. E7. Crawling in a tunnel, chased by manager.
Scne 94. E8 fighting manager in furnace room. She uses beast against him.
Scene 95. E5. Crawls out of the tunnel after her victory.
Scene 96. E5 Washing up after the fight and putting on a new dress.
Scene 98. E6. Giving bunny to beast and picking up the doll.
Scene 99. E6. Forgives dad. Hesitate to leave the puppies.
Scene 101. E7. Freeing the beast and pups at the pond.
Scene 104. E5. Reaching out to Mike (from the Lakehouse).
Scene 107. E8. Final scene. Biten by puppy.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 4 weeks ago by  j T.

[Tasha Espinoza]

Tasha's Scene Ratings
What I learned doing this assignment is it's hard to be objective, but reading the screenplay in reverse really helps to isolate the scenes from the story to better judge how entertaining each scene is as a standalone.
ACT 1
Scene 1 – Opening – Bethany's Exorcism – E9
Scene 2 – 5 years later – Deacon Anders performs mass – E7
Scene 3 – Bethany's dilemma set-up – Love or the convent? – E6
Scene 4 – Set up of Deacon Anders dilemma – he fears Bethany will have a demonic relapse – E4
Scene 5 – II – Bethany rejects the convent and Deacon Anders hears confession – E6
Scene 6 – Date with Mac – E7
Scene 7 – Date with Ted – E7
Scene 8 – Professor teaches how to make a corrupt bible – E5
Scene 9 – Montage of DA making corrupt bible – E6
Scene 10 – Bethany hustles with the kids at Happy Flowers – E6
Scene 11 – DA tells BPtolemy about the new method for protecting Bethany's dates- E3
Scene 12 – Bethany meets up with Ben – E6
Scene 13 -TP#1 – DA attaches D23 to Bethany – E7
Scene 14 – D23 lands in the parking lot – E6
Scene 15 – D23 throws Ben out of the restaurant – E7
Scene 16 – PA and Brad Finely – E6
Scene 17 – Pina Colada face – E7/E8
Scene 18 – Brad meets Bethany outside cafe mojo – E7
Scene 19 – Bethany accepts a date with brad – E8
Scene 20 – Deacon Anders gets passed over – E6
Scene 21 – DA tries to warn Brad and discovers D23 – E8
Scene 22 – Deacon Anders shows up to dinner instead of Brad – E7
ACT 2
Scene 23 – Bethany is attacked by D23 in her apt – E6/E7
Scene 24 – Amy gives Bethany Koju's flier – e6
Scene 25 – Bethany is no longer welcome at Happy Flowers – e7
Scene 26 – Bethany saves Ted from getting hit by a car – e7
Scene 27 – Bethany discovers the Survivors or Bethany – e6
Scene 28 – Bethany and Amy try. to confront DA – e7
Scene 29 – Bethany and Amy find the corrupt bible – e7
Scene 30 – Bethany is forced to enter the spiritual center – e6
Scene 31- Midpoint – Soleil weakens the tether between Bethany and D23 – e8
Scene 32 – Koju helps Bethany with her nose bleed – e7
Scene 33 – Bob gets Koju to help with Bethany's protective wall – e7
Scene 34 – Koju denies watching Bethany float to the ground – e7
Scene 35 – DA use Bethany's blood on the bible -E6/E7
Scene 36 – Bethany's face and hair mask – e5
Scene 37 – Koju apologizes – e6
Scene 38 – Jean answers the door – e5
Scene 39 – Amy show the Professor the pic of the Corrupt Bible – e6
Scene 40 – Amy learns about Simon Dobre and the Codex – e6
Scene 41 – Yoga breathing – e4
Scene 42 – DA's first miracle – e6
Scene 43 – Betthany masters yoga and protective walls – e5
Scene 44 – Bethany master Mind Telepathy – e6
ACT 3
Scene 45 – Bethany exorcises Toilet Brush – e6
Scene 46 – TP# 2 – Bethany meet D23 and he takes the Corrupt Bible – e7
Scene 47 – Crisis – Koju is possessed by D23 – e7
Scene 48 – Unknown space – Bethany sees Koju talking to D23 – e5/e6
Scene 49 – Climax – Bethany is possessed by D23 – e7/e8
Scene 50 – Bethany finds out DA's plan from D23 – e5
Scene 51 – Bethany saves the Church – e9
Scene 52 – Resolution – Bethany exercises Leo at foster home – e4
Scene 53 – Bethany is back at Happy Flowers -e6
Scene 54 – Brad shows up at the cafe again – e7
Scene 55 – Bethany says good-bye to D23 – e6/e7
Scene 57 – Bethany exorcises a guy before his date – e6
Scene 58 – Koju and Bethany kiss – e5
Scene 59 – DA is humiliated by Warden Brown – e6
Scene 60 – DA meets Simon Dobre – e7

Interpretation of Data
I'm worried that I'm still too subjective. I think I needed to be a little more realistic as I rated the entertainment value of my scenes and think of it from the reader’s perspective. I am very curious how someone else would rate these scenes. But at the very least, I did contemplate the entertainment value of the scenes.