Lesson 12 Assignments

[Elizabeth Dickinson]

Elizabeth Dickinson Description 1

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m adding more emotional punch with a few extra words.

Example 1:

BEFORE:

RUDHEK (13), large, angry, takes the stick.

AFTER:

RUDHEK (13), large, angry, grabs the stick.

Example 2:

BEFORE:

Celt and Coran grin at each other.

AFTER:

Celt and Coran grin at each other. How much fun is this?

Example 3:

BEFORE:

CELT

Will you bring Emer to the caves for me?

AIOLFE

Why not ask one of your sisters?

CELT

I want you to do it.

AFTER:

CELT

Will you bring Emer to the caves for me?

Aiolfe covers her excitement with exaggerated disinterest.

AIOLFE

Why not ask one of your sisters?

CELT

I want you to do it.

Example #4

BEFORE:

ROMAN COMMANDER

(heavy accent)

We come in peace. We only want strong boys to serve the emperor.

MARTA

Perhaps we could discuss this over a meal? It’s many years since we exchanged boys with another tribe.

CLU

(in Latin)

The female leader wants to discuss this over a meal.

AFTER:

ROMAN COMMANDER

(heavy accent)

We come in peace. We only want strong boys to serve the emperor.

Marta looks like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.

MARTA

Perhaps we could discuss this over a meal? It’s many years since we exchanged boys with another tribe.

CLU

(in Latin)

The female leader wants to discuss this over a meal.

Example 5

BEFORE:

SIRIUS

Our emperor is an outstanding leader who will unite the whole world. You can help. The emperor will join our peoples to bring peace and prosperity for all.

MARTA

Others have offered to absorb this tribe for our metal craft, our way with animals, and our herbal skills, in exchange for protection.

ULF

Sometimes we exchange children so each tribe can learn the ways of the other.

MARTA

Is this what you offer?

AFTER:

SIRIUS

Our emperor is an outstanding leader who will unite the whole world. You can help. The emperor will join our peoples to bring peace and prosperity for all.

Marta speaks pleasantly, with steel underneath.

MARTA

Others have offered to absorb this tribe for our metal craft, our way with animals, and our herbal skills, in exchange for protection.

ULF

Sometimes we exchange children so each tribe can learn the ways of the other.

MARTA

Is this what you offer?

Example 6

BEFORE:

Athair stares at the paltry coins and empty spaces on the shed walls.

He looks at his son, bereft.

AFTER:

Athair stares at the paltry coins and empty spaces on the shed walls.

He looks at his son, already regretful, looks for support. The remaining villagers won’t meet his eyes.

Rudhek mouths cowards from his hiding place.

[Timothy Barley]

Tim Barley’s DESCRIPTION 1!

What I learned from doing this assignment is that my description is more prose in places. But, I’ve written screenplays/TV before so it wasn’t TOO bad. However, I did find places where the description could be changed.

THE DREAM SEQUENCE:

(BEFORE)

They share a hug and Alex’s mother takes Alex’s hand. Both share a glance at the father as they walk down the hall. The father then turns and meets with the doctors before opening the door and stepping inside. The doctors turn, backs to the door and assume a more militant stance as they guard the door. Down the hall, Alex turns one last time to catch a glimpse of a blue light steadily growing in intensity from under the door, until it blinds us…

(AFTER)

Alex’s mother takes Alex by the hand. The father watches them walk down the hall, then turns and meets with the doctors before opening the door and stepping inside. The “doctors” turn, backs to the door and assume a more militant stance. Alex turns one last time and glimpses of a BLUE LIGHT steadily growing in intensity from under the door. As they exit the hospital we see COMMOTION and hear SHOUTS as a DARKNESS begins to form in the hallway…

The First Real Action Sequence

(Before)

Alex walks under a street lamp with coffees in hand. He can feel eyes on him. He looks back and sees movement on the edge of the light cast down by a street lamp two back. It skirts the edge a lamp back. Alex turns and moves briskly toward the corner. He rounds the corner into a group of four thugs. The coffee goes flying everywhere.

(AFTER)

Alex walks under a street lamp with coffees in hand, edgy. He looks back and sees MOVEMENT on the edge of the light cast down by a street lamp two poles back. Alex turns and moves briskly toward the corner. He rounds the corner into a group of FOUR THUGS. The coffee goes flying everywhere.

(BEFORE)

The thugs randomly fire off shots into the dark. From the shadows, the D-Bag Barista creeps into the light, but instead of the asshole from the coffee shop, he’s pale, almost completely hairless, his dark eyes set back and he moves fluidly.

(AFTER)

The two remaining thugs randomly FIRE OFF SHOTS into the dark. The reports echo around the buildings. From the shadows, the D-BAG BARISTA creeps into the light, but instead of the asshole from the coffee shop, he’s PALE, almost COMPLETELY HAIRLESS, his dark eyes set back and he moves fluidly.

ALLISTAR SAVES FEENIX AND ALEX

(BEFORE)

A bright, focused wave of energy from the darkness hits the second No-Thing and it dissipates. The first shrieks and turns toward a tall, cloaked figure emerging from the shadows. The figure lowers a harmless looking metal rod at the oncoming No-Thing and obliterates the horror.

The figure bends down to Feenix and helps her up.

(AFTER)

A BRILLIANT, FOCUSED WAVE OF ENERGY SHOOTS from the darkness HITTING the second No-Thing and CAUSING IT TO COLLAPSE IN ON ITSELF. The first SHRIEKS AND TURNS toward a TALL DARK, CLOAKED FIGURE emerging from the shadows. The figure lowers a harmless looking LONG METAL ROD at the oncoming No-Thing and VANQUISHES the horror.

The figure bends down to Gemma and helps her up.

BROTHER SISTER FIGHT

(BEFORE)

Allistar looks furiously at Feenix. She stares back, equally furious. Allistar comes at her, throwing a punch. Feenix dodges easily, countering with a spinning kick, taking Allistar’s legs out from under him. There’s almost no noise. Somehow their sounds feel muted. Allistar hops up, attempting a kick-punch combo, which Feenix again, easily blocks, this time driving her foot directly into his chest and knocking him into the wall that Alex is listening into.

(AFTER)

Tyler SEETHES at Gemma. She stares back, equally furious. Tyler MOVES QUICKLY, THROWING A PUNCH. Gemma DODGES EASILY, COUNTERING WITH A QUICK SWEEPING KICK, taking Tyler’s legs out from under him. The fight is EERILY MUTED. Tyler HOPS UP, attempting a KICK-PUNCH COMBO, which Gemma again, EASILY BLOCKS, this time DRIVING HER FOOT DIRECTLY INTO HIS CHEST and KNOCKING HIM INTO THE WALL nearest Alex.

[P.G. Sundling]

4. Answer the question, “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and put it at the top of your work.

It’s useful to pull forward description that is important in another scene in the same location to break up big description blocks. Writing my novels in present tense makes them much easier to adapt to screenplays. Since the show-and-tell rule lets us use 10% tell, I was able to pull some elements back in for emphasis.

3. Give us the five best examples of Before and After lines.

Before:

Maria looks away. She rolls her eyes with gritted teeth. She turns back to Renquist with a seductive smile.

After:

Since I can do 10% tell, added some tell back in.

It’s all Maria can do to stifle a snort of contempt. Maria looks away. She rolls her eyes with gritted teeth. She turns back to Renquist with a seductive smile.

Before

RENQUIST

Disregard any disturbances. It’s going to get noisy.

After

Added reaction.

RENQUIST

Disregard any disturbances. It’s going to get noisy.

Thelma’s disgusted sigh is audible over the intercom.

Before

Remove him. I want people talking about it for weeks.

After

Drag is more vivid than remove.

Drag him out. I want people talking about it for weeks.

Before

Renquist forgets who Maria is for a moment. The whole day is forgotten.

After

Maria does a makeover into a sexy outfit, which is transformational.

Renquist forgets who Maria is for a moment. The whole day is forgotten. Transformed in her outfit, his focus is her.

Before

I had half a page of description for the steampunk bar.

After

Broke the description between 2 scenes in the bar and moved a character intro to later.

[Laurie Brown]

Laurie Brown Descriptive 1

What I learned from doing this assignment is that I am really internalizing the lessons and it shows. I did an entire pass using this lesson but didn’t do a before and after. It takes long enough to go from beginning to end and make changes.

[Wendy Weising]

Assignment #12

What I learned is that I had no expanded description, so everything was better. I was worried about my page count, but by the time I went through this assignment and #11, I was up to 53 pages.

Example 1

Original:

TEASER

INT. TENT-DAY

Under a richly adorned tent, JANE MARCH and her SECOND IN COMMAND, who are in full ancient battle gear, pore over a map. An archer comes in.

ARCHER

Lady March, it’s time.

JANE

Thank you.

Her second in command puts out his hand to Jane.

SECOND IN COMMAND

Are you ready?

JANE

No. But let’s go.

She takes his hand.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD-DAY

Jane’s army is on top of a hill. Her soldiers look at her for a sign to charge forward.

SECOND IN COMMAND

We’re with you.

Jane nods, hoists her shield, and lifts her sword.

JANE

Let’s kill the bastards!

Changed:

EXT. BEHIND BATTLEFIELD LINES-DAY

JANE MARCH, a woman dressed in ancient armor, pores over an old map. Her second-in-command, JOHN PARKER, startles her out of her intense concentration.

PARKER

Why are you studying maps? Those won’t help you.

JANE

Something to do.

PARKER

Well, it’s time.

JANE

But we’re not ready.

PARKER

We’re ready.

JANE

We’re not strong enough.

PARKER

The enemy has better weapons, but we fight with everything we’ve got.

JANE

I’m afraid.

PARKER

We don’t have time. The enemy is coming.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD-DAY

Jane’s army is on top of a hill, looking down at numberless enemy. Her SOLDIERS carry sharpened farming tools. Only a few have swords.

Now they are all looking at Jane, their leader, for a signal to charge down the hill.

Jane hesitates.

PARKER

We’re with you.

Jane nods, hoists her shield, and lifts her sword.

JANE

For our children!

ARMY

For our children!

Jane and her army charge down the hillside toward the oncoming enemy.

When the two sides collide, soldiers hack, slash, and stab one another. Blood sprays as chests are punctured. The ones with farming tools fight with passion. They are all in.

A SOLDIER cuts a FARMER’S arm off. The farmer drops down, picks up the scythe with his other hand, and slices through the soldiers legs. The soldier’s down.

A WOMAN with a pitchfork shields herself from the blows of a SOLDIER. When he breaks the pitchfork’s handle, she runs at him, pitchfork in front of her. The soldier chops her head off before she reaches him.

In the sea of fighters, Parker blocks a sword’s blow coming at Jane. He thrusts his sword through another SOLDIER who is about to decapitate her.

As Jane fights, she is looking for someone. She stops searching and begins to move toward a WOMAN IN ARMOR AND A FACE-COVERING HELMET, standing in a golden chariot.

Parker is busy fighting an AXE-WIELDING WARRIOR when he notices that Jane is gone. He splits open the warrior’s head. Then he yells for Jane.

Jane fights more fiercely, hacking her way to the chariot.

Example 2

Original:

INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT

Jane, now in tactical gear, slides into a child’s room through the window. She quickly tapes one of the kid’s mouths, flips the child over, and zip-ties her hands. She hands the child out the window.

She leaves the room and returns with a packaged boy and hands him out the window.

The baby wakes up and begins to cry.

BABY

Maaaamaaaa!

Jane scoops up the child and tries to comfort her. The baby holds her arms out to the crib. Jane picks up a lamby–no, not the one. A doll? Nope. Finally, she gives her a neon pink bear, and the baby stops crying and snuggles with it. Jane hands the baby out the window.

Too late! The parents are now awake. Before they can say a word, Jane immobilizes them with a phaser. She checks their vitals. She pulls out her comm device.

JANE

This is JM62. I have two live adults ready for transport.

SOLDIER

(OS)

JM62, we will have transport to your location right away.

JANE

Thanks.

When she turns around, the parents have disappeared.

Changed:

INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT

Jane, now in tactical gear, slides into a child’s room through the window. It’s pretty, pink, and fluffy–a girl’s room.

She quickly duct tapes the LITTLE GIRL’s mouth, flips the child over, and zip-ties her hands and feet. The child squirms as Jane hoists her up and over her shoulder, going to the window. She hands the child out the window to a LON, a man dressed like her.

She leaves the room, returns with a packaged boy, and hands him out the window. As she does, he knocks over a glass ornament that shatters.

That’s when Jane notices the crib in the room.

BABY

Maaaamaaaa!

Jane scoops up the child and tries to comfort her.

Lon’s head pops up at the window.

LON

Tape her mouth for Pete’s sake.

JANE

I can’t tape her mouth; she’s a baby.

LON

Then shut her up another way.

The baby holds her arms out to the crib. Jane moves to the crib and sees what looks like a million stuffed animals.

Jane picks up Lamby. The baby shakes her head. She holds up a doll. The head shake is more vehement this time. She dances a a neon pink bear in front of the baby, and the baby stops crying and snuggles with it. Jane hands the quiet baby out the window.

But it’s too late! The parents are awake and in the room.

Before they can say a word, Jane immobilizes them with a phaser. She checks their vitals. She pulls out her comm device.

JANE

This is JM62. I have two live adults ready for transport.

SOLDIER

(OS)

JM62, it will be a few minutes before we can get a transport to you.

JANE

Then they’ll be dead.

SOLDIER

We can’t have that. Boss needs em alive. I’m redirecting transport 8 to you now.

JANE

Thanks.

When she turns around, the parents have disappeared.

Example 3

Original:

INT. DR. JONES’S DINING ROOM-EVENING

Ava arrives dressed in a gorgeous low-cut gown. Dr. Jones, who sits at the head of the table, signals for Ava to sit next to DOR LANZEE.

DR. JONES

Dor, this is someone whom I think you will enjoy getting to know.

DOR LANZEE

Dr. Jones has told be so much about you. You probably want to know about me. I own several mining operations, but I haven’t found the right mate yet.

Ava smiles and nods graciously. Dor put his hand on her leg, which causes her to flinch.

DOR LANZEE (CONT’D)

I really want to get to know you.

He continues to move his hand up her thigh, but she grabs his hand.

AVA

What a lovely ring? How did you obtain such a beautiful stone?

DOR LANZEE

I have several associates who are always in search of beautiful things. It was found at an ancient dig.

DR. JONES

I’d like to interrupt you for a moment, if I may.

DOR LANZEE

Yes, please.

DR. JONES

I have a rare collection of gemstones in my bedroom. Ava, why don’t you take Mr. Lanzee to see them.

AVA

Uh, I don’t know–

DR. JONES

Yes, I think you should do that now.

Changed to:

INT. DR. JONES’S DINING ROOM-EVENING

Dr. Jones sits at the head of a very long dining table.

A delicate linen tablecloth and vases of flowers sit on the table. There are no place settings, goblets, or plates of food.

Dr. Jones’s guests sit around the table, talking loudly and laughing even louder. The guests are a weird assortment of richly dressed people.

Dr. Jones rings a golden bell.

Her nurses appear in maids’ uniforms, pushing carts with many dishes with golden covers. They set one dish in front of each person. No one removes the cover but awaits, all eyes on Dr. Jones.

DR. JONES

Let us say thanks.

Each person lift their dish up.

DR. JONES (CONT’D)

Thank you, those in Ward 5, for your sacrifice.

EVERYONE

Thank you, those in Ward 5, for your sacrifice.

Dr. Jones sits down, and they all sit down.

DR. JONES

Let’s partake!

Dr. Jones removes the golden cover and breathes in the scent of what looks like gray gelatinous lumps with a golden pronged tong sticking out of it.

Everyone else copies her.

KAI BENNA

You have outdone yourself this time. The smell is sweet yet savory.

They all dig in, using their tongs to stab and pull chunks of the meat out. They moan as they chew.

SU KRAKE

Mmmmm, so tender. If I’m not mistaken, you keep the young ones in Ward 5.

DR. JONES

Very good observation, my friend.

In only a few minutes, they have eaten every globule.

Dr. Jones rings her little bell again.

Her maids clear the table.

Example 4

Original:

Dr. Jones goes back to the chart. Her gaze focuses in on something of interest. She opens her door and yells for Nurse Akal. The nurse comes in. Dr. Jones hands her the paperwork.

DR. JONES (CONT’D)

Did you run these blood tests on Jane?

NURSE AKAL

Yes, ma’am.

DR. JONES

Is test 5 showing what I think it is?

NURSE AKAL

Definitely.

DR. JONES

Come with me, please.

They leave together. Polly sneaks in and looks at the report but can’t figure out what it says. She rips off the page and stuffs it in her pocket.

Changed:

INT. DR JONES’S OFFICE-EVENING

Dr. Jones goes back to the chart. She taps a place on the page. Then she opens her door and yells for Nurse Akal. The nurse comes in. Dr. Jones hands her the chart and taps on the same place again.

DR. JONES

Did you run these blood tests on Jane?

NURSE AKAL

Yes, ma’am.

DR. JONES

Is test 5 showing what I think it is?

NURSE AKAL

Definitely.

DR. JONES

Come with me, please.

Dr. Jones puts the chart in her desk drawer and locks it. She and the nurse leave together.

Polly sneaks into the room. She tries the drawer–locked. She pulls out a ring of keys. After the third key, it opens. She looks at the report but can’t figure out what it told Dr. Jones. She opens an old vest she has on and unzips a large inner pocket. She slides the chart in.

Example 5

Original

INT. DR JONES’S BEDROOM-EVENING

Ava holds up different pairs of earrings, which Dr. Jones rejects. Nothing is right.

When her comm buzzes, she shoos Ava from the room and answers it. The four royal matriarchs of the Old Regime, her bosses, appear on screen. They greet one another.

PRESIDENT GEM LAN

Dr. Jones, we asked you to join us today for two reasons. First, a disturbing rumor has reached us of staff leaving the hospital and production being down. Would you like to comment on this?

DR. JONES

President Lan, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, production has increased, and our workers are very contented.

PRESIDENT GEM LAN

That is good news. I knew that we could count on you. We will expect a full written report from you by next week. Now we come to the second reason. It has been brought to my attention that you will soon be past you mating years. We, the Old Regime and I, have decided that you must mate by the next lunar revolution or loose your position in the regime. Is this understood?

DR. JONES

Yes, president.

PRESIDENT GEM LAN

Very good. That is all.

They are gone just like that.

Dr. Jones goes into a rage. She picks up whatever she can get her hands on and throws it as she screams.

She finally calms down and adjusts her clothes. She pushes buttons on her comm, and her friends show up on screen.

DR. JONES

Hello, darlings. Are you up for one of my parties?

KAI BENNA

Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss any party that you throw.

SU KRAKE

There. I’m in.

DOR LANZEE

Will Ava be there to entertain us?

Everyone laughs.

DR. JONES

Of, course, you dirty old man. You’re first on her dance card.

DOR LANZEE

I’ll be there to hear her sing.

DR. JONES

Right. I don’t care why you’re coming, as long as you’re coming.

Changed to:

INT. DR JONES’S BEDROOM-EVENING

Dresses are strewn across a bed. Dr. Jones is wearing an expensive-looking pants suit. She is sitting in front of a mirror and applying makeup as Ava holds up different pairs of earrings, which Dr. Jones rejects.

When her comm buzzes, she grabs the earrings that Ava currently has in her hand, shoves them through her ears, shoos Ava from the room, and answers it.

The four royal matriarchs of the Old Regime, her bosses, appear on screen. They greet one another.

PRESIDENT GEM LAN

Dr. Jones, we asked you to join us today for two reasons. First, a disturbing rumor has reached us of staff leaving the hospital and production being down. Since you’re in charge of Facility 1, any loss is on your head. If you can’t manage, tell us now, and we’ll replace you.

DR. JONES

President Lan, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, production has increased, and our workers are very content.

PRESIDENT GEM LAN

That is good news. I knew that we could count on you. We will expect a full written report from you by next week. Now we come to the second reason. It has been brought to my attention that you will soon be past your mating years. We, the Old Regime and I, have decided that you must mate by the next lunar revolution or lose your position in the regime. Is this understood?

DR. JONES

Yes, president.

PRESIDENT GEM LAN

Very good. If we don’t see a mating contract from you soon, we will proceed with your removal.

DR. JONES

As a matter of fact, I have a contract underway.

PRESIDENT GEM LAN

Really? With whom?

DR. JONES

Nol Zyn.

PRESIDENT GEM LAN

Perfect. Send the contract over.

DR. JONES

I will, president.

They are gone just like that.

Dr. Jones goes into a rage. She picks up whatever she can get her hands on and throws it as she screams.

She finally calms down and adjusts her clothes.

She pushes buttons on her comm, and her friends show up on screen.

DR. JONES (CONT’D)

Hello, darlings. Are you up for one of my parties? There’ll be entertainment and exotic food.

KAI BENNA

Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss any party that you throw.

SU KRAKE

Who is the exotic food this week?

DR. JONES

That’s a surprise.

DOR LANZEE

Will the Ava I’ve heard so much about be there to entertain us?

DR. JONES

Of, course. And you’re first on her dance card. I’ll see you tonight.

[Avi K]

Avi Kapurala Description 1

Completed this a while ago but neglected to post.

What I learned doing this lesson is: increasing description blew out my page count, but definitely improved the dialogue.