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Lesson 13
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14 Replies
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BRENDA BODDY – MAX INTEREST
What I learned is it’s important to look at each scene and be thinking about how to mess with the character at every step.
LOGLINE: Justice gets called to work
ESSENCE: This scene is to show who Justice is at the beginning of the script, before he begins his journey.
Interest techniques used:
Suspense, twist, surprise, uncertainty, intrigue–Hook, prediction, Something unseen, cliffhanger.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – HOME – DAY
A tasteful room, the four-poster bed dominating the far wall. Everything in its place. Sun shining through the window. This could be one of those houses in a magazine.
Except people don’t get beat up in those houses. In this house they do. SWIVEL to the door as it SLAMS open.
An angry, white MAN pushes a black WOMAN inside, his fist wrapped in her hair. A Goth, bi-racial, GIRL follows, CRYING, yanking his arm.
The man, JUSTICE (mid 30’s), alpha, is dressed Texas chic… all hat and no cattle. He throws the girl away from him.
The woman, Kenzie (early 30’s), struggles, her attention on getting between him and the girl, but her slender body is no match for his muscular frame.
KENZIE
Leave her alone, asshole.
JUSTICE
Did you forget I work in this town? I have contacts…everywhere.
The girl, SAMANTHA (13), launches herself at her father.
SAMANTHA
We’re sorry, Dad. Please don’t do this.
He knocks her away from him again.
JUSTICE
I swear, Samantha. This kind of thing wouldn’t happen if your mom didn’t make me do it.
Justice throws Kenzie against the wall and begins to undo his belt.
JUSTICE
But let me tell you what’s gonna happen now, Sweet Cheeks.
His phone RINGS. Justice puts a warning finger against his lips and answers the phone.
JUSTICE
(into phone)
Yea.
Justice listens, his eyes promising consequences if either female moves.
JUSTICE
(into phone)
On my way.
Justice hangs up the phone.
JUSTICE
You lucked out, Kenzie. But you’re mine. Don’t you…ever…try to leave again.
Justice turns away shaking his head, then suddenly spins and drives his fist into Kenzie’s belly. She crumples, rolling into a ball with a painful MOAN.
Justice looks at her without expression.
JUSTICE
(quiet and gentle)
I don’t think you heard me, Kenzie.
Justice kicks Kenzie in the ribs. He puts up a hand to stop Samantha, without looking at her. Another GROAN from Kenzie.
KENZIE
I heard you, Justice.
Justice loses interest. He pulls a jacket from the closet and puts it on. He flips out a DIFFERENT PHONE and dials.
JUSTICE
(into phone)
Get your ass out of there. We’re on the way.
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That is painfully true, Brenda. It pulls me in and keeps me going.
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Brenda, you did a good job making Justice unlikable. drew me in also.
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Yanni Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that it is tricky to include many or all of the interest techniques, especially since there seems to be some overlap between them. However, the process, if successful, helps focus and sharpen the scene and this feels extremely satisfying. I also learned that you can make very small changes to dialogue/action to lean into interest techniques and enhance their use.
Logline: Shira tries to call Avi from her deathbed.
Essence: Shira wants to make amends for excommunicating Avi.
Techniques used:
Hook
Dilemma
Predictions
Something Unseen
Mystery
Creating a Future
Anticipatory Dialogue
Cliffhanger
Uncomfortable Moment
REWRITTEN SCENE:
INT. MONSEY HOME – NIGHT
Back at Avi’s childhood home, his parents’ room has been turned into an at-home hospice. Shira lays in a hospital bed.
Avi’s father, visibly older, sits by her bedside, and NECHAMA busies herself trying to make her mother feel comfortable.
SHIRA No, I want to call him. Just give me my phone.
Yitzchak hesitates.
YITZCHAK It’s Shabbos. You slept all day.
Shira will not have it.
SHIRA I don’t care.
YITZCHAK Shira-
SHIRA Yitzchak! Give me the DAMN phone.
Yitzchak still hesitates. Shira turns to her daughter, her eyes pleading.
SHIRA Nechama? Please?
Nechama seeks her dad’s eyes.
NECHAMA Abba?
He avoids her. Finally she hands the phone to Shira.
SHIRA (to Yitzchak) You think this is what Hakadosh Boruch Hu is going to hold against me?
She searches for a name in the contacts. Lands on ZZZZAvi.
YITZCHAK He won’t pick up. You know that.
Shira makes the call.
SHIRA He- Avi needs to know.
Yitzchak shakes his head. Nechama holds Shira’s hand.
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Hook:
Shira wants to make an actual phone call to her son, but she is Orthodox and using the phone is prohibited. Additionally, she hasn’t had contact with her son in years (though this becomes more apparent in the next scene not listed here.
Uncomfortable Moment:
Yitzchak incorrectly thinks that Shira is mistaken when she asks for the phone to make the call. He thinks she does not know it is shabbat, but she does, she has just chosen to break it.
Hook/Uncomfortable Moment:
Shira curses–it’s not explicit, but for an older Orthodox woman to have an outburst like that is very unusual.
Mystery:
Why won’t he let her make the call? Why is she adamant about it? She pleads with her daughter, and he still won’t let her?
Also: “You think this is what Hakadosh Boruch Hu (god) is going to hold against me?” What did she do that was so bad? That she herself knows is so bad, that this blatant transgression would pale in comparison?
Dilemma:
Nechama has a dilemma: honor her mother and disobey her father, or refuse her mother’s dying wish and obey her father.
Yitzchak’s dilemma is whether to let Shira break the sabbath right before she dies, and give in to her dying wish. Or to keep her pious before she dies.
Mystery/Hook:
Why does she have his name saved as “ZZZAvi”
Prediction/Anticipatory Dialogue/Something Unseen/Creating a future:
Yitzchak tells Shira that Avi won’t pick up the phone, even if she calls him.
Mystery/Anticipatory Dialogue:
Shira says “He- Avi needs to know.” She finally makes a choice to say his name out loud.
Cliffhanger:
Will Avi pick up?
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I am really drawn to this sort of story. Religion and culture, especially as they challenge my own battle with science and life in general — making choices — doing the best I can with the information — having to admit to being wrong sometimes. I feel the struggle in this scene. I have all the works of Chaim Potok, incidentally. Very interesting reads.
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Alfred Dunham – Max Interest 2
What have I learned that is improving my writing?
1 From the last assignment, Scene 13 has become Scene 15, a very short Scene 16 was added and Scene 14 has become Scene 17.
2 I really didn’t know how I was going to improve these scenes, but once I started, it was easy. Just being aware that I can do this is very stimulating.
ESSENCE OF SCENE
Jake’s and Raisa’s selfless love for each other
NEW INTEREST TECHNIQUES USED
1 Dilemma – Bubba, the Antagonist, must choose between revenge and getting out of prison.
2 Predictions – Jake and Raisa both predict that they will marry if she’s allowed to stay in the U.S. and also, Jake will see to the daughter’s education.
3 Creating a Future — If Bubba agrees with Jake and Raisa, the café will be remodeled, and he and Raisa will become business partners.
4 Anticipatory Dialogue — Jake makes it clear that if Bubba refuses to work with them, he WILL sue for attempted murder.
5. Uncomfortable Moment — Elias, the attorney, is forced to ask Raisa some personal questions about her marriage to Bubba – In front of Jake.
INT. CAFÉ – CONTINUOUS
Jake has finished his simple lunch, and —
Raisa clears the table.
The Café is still posted as closed.
Bubba’s attorney arrives – knocks on the door.
Raisa answers —
RAISA
This way, Sir. Doctor Dunsmore is over here.
Raisa guides the attorney to Jake’s booth.
ELIAS KNAPPER, ATTORNEY AT LAW, (40-something), in his clichéd dark suit and tie, looks out of place in Bubba’s tattered café.
Jake grimaces as he motions to the attorney —
JAKE
I’d shake hands if it didn’t hurt so much. But, please have a seat. I’m Doctor Dunsmore.
The rather grim-faced attorney, slips into the booth on the opposite side of the table, facing Jake.
ELIAS
I’m Elias Knapper. I’ve been appointed to represent Ian McBride.
JAKE
Yes. Thank you for coming here. I’m a bit limited at the moment.
ELIAS
Yes, I can see that. Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
JAKE
Can Raisa get you some coffee?
(chuckles)
Hers is much better than Ian’s.
Jake motions with his hand toward Raisa, and Elias turns to look at her again.
ELIAS
Yes. I would appreciate that.
Raisa rushes off to the kitchen.
JAKE
So, Mister Knapper, where are we with Ian – Bubba, around here?
ELIAS
Call me, Elias..
JAKE
Yes. Good. And I’m Jake. You can forget the doctor nonsense. I rather tire of it.
Elias smiles and opens his satchel.
ELIAS
Ian, Bubba as you call him, is demanding a cease and desist order.
JAKE
Is that wise?
ELIAS
He wants the premises vacated.
JAKE
Yes. I understand that, but who will pay the bills?
ELIAS
I am not sure of your implications.
JAKE
Bubba was just out with a broken arm, and Raisa kept his place open.
Raisa returns with Elias’ cup of coffee.
RAISA
Cream – sugar?
ELIAS
No, I like it black. Thank you.
JAKE
See. Raisa is fully competent enough to run this place by herself. She’s proven that.
Elias sips his coffee – looks up a Raisa.
ELIAS
Good coffee.
(to Jake)
I can see that.
JAKE
And she needs the job.
ELIAS
Makes sense to me.
JAKE
Closed, the cafe is a drain on both Bubba’s and Raisa’s incomes. Open, they both win.
ELIAS
I’ll present that option to him. But there is the other issue.
JAKE
Yes. That depends on Bubba and his level of hostility.
ELIAS
Which is to say –?
JAKE
(to Raisa)
To possibly protect you in court, later, could you go outside and allow us to talk in private?
RAISA
Yes. I can do that.
Raisa leaves.
EXT. CAFÉ – DAY
Raisa ambles down the boardwalk – watches the tide go out again – an offshore wind blows her lovely hair – she is, in fact, every bit as beautiful as Jake thinks she is.
INT. CAFÉ – DAY
Alone, Elias and Jake ponder the possible outcomes of all the lives involved.
ELIAS
Why did you do that?
JAKE
We both know why. This discussion is off the books, so let’s be brutally honest with each other.
Elias closes his satchel and puts away his pen.
ELIAS
Yes, let’s. Mister McBride is in big-time trouble, so let’s not waste each other’s time playing cat and mouse.
JAKE
I agree. I don’t know what Bubba has told you, so let me fill you in on my thoughts and feelings.
ELIAS
Yes. Please do.
JAKE
I came here one morning for coffee. I was cold. The coffee was rancid and almost un-drinkable.
ELIAS
Yes?
JAKE
What I found, instead, was Raisa – a woman, with a teenage daughter, brought to this country under false pretenses.
ELIAS
Ian has not mentioned any of this to me.
JAKE
He wouldn’t. He has her trapped and treats her like trash. He’s married to her, but only on paper. What he’s doing is illegal. She’s his virtual slave – pays her barely enough to stay alive. Even with her daughter’s work, it’s inadequate. There’s no future for either of them. This irked me, and I rebuked him. The truth about Raisa and me came out, and he got angry and stabbed me.
ELIAS
He says you attacked him.
JAKE
Ask Raisa. I never touched him. He was the one with the chef’s knife.
ELIAS
Do you think he meant to stab you?
JAKE
If he’s willing to work with Raisa and me – take some anger management classes, no, I don’t.
ELIAS
And if he refuses.
JAKE
The answer is, yes. He meant to kill me to hide his immigration secret.
ELIAS
There’s more to this, isn’t there?
JAKE
Much more. I’m nineteen years older than Raisa, but who cares. I’m in love with her. I admit it.
ELIAS
Does she know this?
JAKE
Yes, but to what extent, I don’t know for sure. She has a daughter who’s interested in law.
ELIAS
And you intend to help the daughter in some way?
JAKE
Something like that, but I’ve come to love her mother. I’d do anything for her.
ELIAS
I see why you wanted to discuss this in private.
JAKE
I do not want anyone to feel pressured into anything.
ELIAS
So what do you feel would be a fair settlement?
JAKE
On his own, Bubba will destroy this place. He has almost done so, already. He and Raisa need to be equal business partners. He needs her to help him build this place back up. His poor self-image is killing him.
ELIAS
That and anger management… sounds reasonable to me. He has no priors.
JAKE
But what happens to Raisa and her daughter, Nadia?
ELIAS
You really care about them, don’t you?
JAKE
Yes, Elias. I really do. I’d be a genuine husband to her if she’d have me.
ELIAS
I’m not an immigration lawyer, but surely something can be worked out, especially if she’s in political danger.
JAKE
In sending them back to Russia – there will be no winners.
ELIAS
Yes. Let me run this by Ian and see what he does with it.
JAKE
Thank you. Nobody needs to get hurt, further. I don’t hold grudges.
ELIAS
Thank you. You seem like a reasonable man.
Elias closes his satchel and stands as if to leave, but walks to the door and calls Raisa back —
ELIAS
Miss Galkin, you can come back, now.
LATER
Elias sits back down in the booth and Raisa stands at the end of the table.
Elias addresses Raisa —
ELIAS
Why did you agree to Mister McBride’s offer of a sham marriage? That was foolish.
RAISA
I didn’t know what else to do. I was afraid for my daughter’s life. I had to get her out of Russia.
ELIAS
Did you at any time live with Ian?
RAISA
Never. The minute we got here, he dumped us in a rat-infested apartment complex.
ELIAS
I do not like asking this, but are you romantically involved with Doctor Dunsmore?
Raisa cries.
RAISA
Yes. I am. I love him like I’ve never loved anyone before.
ELIAS
Truthfully?
RAISA
If you only knew —
ELIAS
And if you didn’t have to marry him to stay in America –?
RAISA
I’d still want to.
JAKE
Raisa?
RAISA
I love you, Jake. To hell with laws and threats and God knows what else – I love you.
JAKE
Then, marry me?
RAISA
You’d better believe I will – if they’ll let me.
ELIAS
I don’t know what else to say. You two really do love each other, don’t you?
JAKE
Yes, Elias. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
ELIAS
And the daughter?
JAKE
The biggest mistake in my life – not having children. I look forward to having a daughter.
ELIAS
I’ll do my best, but this will still be messy – and expensive.
JAKE
I understand.
Elias stands —
ELIAS
I’ll let myself out.
JAKE
Thank you, Elias.
RAISA
Thank you, Sir.
Elias leaves.
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Lynn’s Max Interest 2
What I learned that is improving my writing is that I can find some of these techniques to include in scenes. However, that tends to lengthen the script and call for more changes later and earlier based on those additions. Which is good, because those changes also add to Max Interest. And I guess I’ll find ways to cut my script back down by ridding it of non-interesting/gripping parts.
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Scene 3 from WEATHERING IT (Rom-Com0
LOGLINE: Ellie and Luz try to promote the Eco Club and its turtle trip, but are thwarted by the Dean.
ESSENCE: Ellie struggles to promote eco-issues against forces obstructing these.
EXT. CAMPUS WALKWAY – DAY
Pillars on the covered walkway with event posters, including:
>> ØØØ (Phi Phi Phi) Frat’s lemonade stand, Library Plaza
>> Anime Club poster, an ANIME PIZZA SLICE IN A MOUTH
>> The SEA TURTLE poster.
Ellie, sweaty, wipes her brow, then ties the fourth string of the poster to a wire on the pillar. Luz holds it in place.
Finished, they hand out flyers on reused paper, words x-ed out on the other side. Some STUDENTS take them, some don’t. ONE disregards the turtle trip info and reads the x-ed back, about the Pythagorean theorem, fascinated.
A COED takes a flyer, skims, and chucks it. Ellie rushes to pick it up while Luz stomps after the coed.
LUZ: D’ya want global warming to boil the oceans and bake us to death?
COED: (stops and turns) How’re turtles gonna help on exams?
The coed struts off. Ellie sidles up to Luz.
ELLIE: Don’t exaggerate. It’ll turn ’em off. Mention the beach party… Or maybe how scientists underestimated Greenland melt–
LUZ: Nothing works, Ellie, and the heat’s killing us. [minor hook, to this point mostly setup info]
ELLIE: Guess we’ll have to weather it. The way things are NOT going.
They resume handing out flyers. A GUY takes one, lets it slip to the ground. Luz picks it up and chases after him.
LUZ: No exaggeration, Greenland’s melting away.
The guy stops, smiles at Luz.
GUY: Good thing we live in the Rio Grande Valley then.
He heads on as THE DEAN OF STUDENTS (50s) comes and cuts down the turtle poster. [small hook] Ellie sees him, dashes over. [uncomfortable moment]
ELLIE: What’s going on, Dean?
The Dean looks nervous, speaks hesitantly.
DEAN OF STUDENTS: Your club’sss abolished. You can’t have posters promoting it.
Luz listens from a distance, horrified.
ELLIE: But you told me we were reinstated after some radicals left and we agreed to avoid controversy.
DEAN OF STUDENTS: No I didn’t.
ELLIE: Yes, you did.
DEAN OF STUDENTS: No, I didn’t. And my hands are tied. You can’t have meetings, events, or club trips.
Ellie, hands on hips, huffs at the Dean.
ELLIE: I’d like to know who’s tying your hands behind your back.
DEAN OF STUDENTS: (he’s lying) No one. Rules are rules. The club violated them.
ELLIE: What rules?
DEAN OF STUDENTS: They’re in the handbook of college club rules. You can make an appointment with my secretary and come see the handbook… But she’ll be busy the next couple of weeks. [Anticipatory Dialogue – this will delay or kill the club]
ELLIE: You know, McGee University needs an eco club to get Campus Go-Green certified. The man upstairs’ll get mad if he finds out it’s abolished. [Creating a Future/Prediction – also humorous, since in earlier seen the librarian used this tact to try and get Ellie to stop fishing paper from the recycling bin to make flyers, saying the same thing]
The Dean looks worried. [small cliffhanger – who is the man upstairs and what will he do or not do?]
DEAN OF STUDENTS: I-I didn’t know.
ELLIE: You can make an appointment and talk to him about it.
The Dean gawks shock, then walks away.
LUZ: Good show, Ellie. But who’s this man upstairs anyway. [Mystery]
ELLIE: No idea. The Library Dean?… President Garcia?… God?
LUZ: Now whadda we do about the turtle trip? [implied dilemma]
ELLIE: Skip the posters. Let’s go hand out flyers near the library and grab some Phi-Phi-Phi lemonade.
LUZ: But I’m scared. [anticipatory dialogue]
ELLIE: Of what? La Llorona? El Cucuy? [humor]
LUZ: That, too. But what if– [humor topper; anticipatory dialogue]
ELLIE: What? They abolish us?
LUZ: (nods bravely) Okay, then we can hand ’em out on the business and engineering side, æ [as in add, jesting]. [creating a future]
ELLIE: No way. My temper won’t hold.
LUZ: But they need your salsa in their face.
ELLIE: My guess, it’s someone from that side that’s behind our problems. [mystery, something unseen]
Eek-faced they grab their bags and head down the walkway.
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After seeing that Sawyer Conned scene and Max Technique pointers, I fixed up my scene at bit – the following (and some more not posted here):
EXT. CAMPUS WALKWAY – DAY
Pillars on the covered walkway with event posters, including:
>> ØØØ (Phi Phi Phi) Frat’s lemonade stand, Library Plaza
>> Anime Club poster, an ANIME PIZZA SLICE IN A MOUTH
>> many othersThe back of a MAN (50s), well dressed, posters under one arm, cuts the strings to THE TURTLE TRIP POSTER. It falls to the ground. He puts it under his arms and heads down the path.
FOUR PILLARS AWAY
Ellie wipes her sweaty brow…
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Thought this would be more of a hook and something unseen or mystery….
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Title: Jerry Max Interest 2
LOGLINE: Ezra return home unexpectedly and finds his new wife canoodling with a local rake.
ESSENCE: Love betrayed.
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Ezra is warned not to go home unexpectedly by the old Lighthouse keeper.When Ezra stops into a local shop to buy the child a Christmas present the shopkeeper remarks that his new wife doesn’t like surprises and maybe he should wait until the morrow.
As Ezra walks up the lane to the Keepers’ cottages a laughing neighbour driving cattle “You’re late for your own party I see”.
Ezra sees the Captain’s horse outside his cottage – he pauses turning the child’s toy over and over in his hands. A neighbour woman comes out, sees Ezra, and calls her husband. They stand and watch Ezra approach the cottage; she steps forward but her husband draws her back.
KEEPERS’ COTTAGES – NIGHT
Ezra enters parlour and sees the young Captain with his shirt open and boots off. Ezra’s wife backs out of the child’s room “Hush now” but gasps when she turns and sees Ezra. She is clad only in her shift.“Ah good evening Ezra. Your wife and I were…excuse me”. The Captain grabs his coat, his boots, and bolts for the door fleeing down the lane.
Ezra picks up the Captain’s hat and turns it in his hands “He’s forgotten his hat”. Ezra’s wife stammers “It’s not what” then Ezra lets out a roar and pushes her to one side – her head strikes the wall rendering her unconscious and knocking an oil lamp over as Ezra runs out in pursuit.
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JACK’S MAX INTEREST SCENE
LOGLINE: Squire, a seductive charmer, uses his happy-go-lucky skills to convince Nancy, stubborn and confrontational, to help him win the heart of Nancy’s nemesis, Emily.
ESSENCE – Squire doesn’t realize Nancy is interested in him.
What I learned from this assignment is to list the traits and interest points and try to incorporate them.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
SQUIRE (20s) sits at a table sipping his coffee. He notices NANCY (20’S), sitting alone at a nearby table. He stands and approaches.
SQUIRE (smiling)
Well, well, well. Look who’s here. How are you, Nancy?
Nancy looks up, slightly irritated.
NANCY (sarcastically)
Hello, Squire. What’ do you want this time?
SQUIRE (playfully)
Me, want? Can’t a guy simply enjoy a cup of coffee in the presence of a beautiful lady like yourself?
Nancy rolls her eyes but can’t help but crack a smile.
NANCY (slightly intrigued)
Yeah, right. What’s up?
SQUIRE (leans in)
I need your help, Nancy. I can’t stop thinking about Emily. Could you put in a good word for me, you know, help me get a date with her?
Nancy raises an eyebrow, skeptical but curious.
NANCY (suspiciously)
And why would I help you get a date with Emily?
Squire flashes his trademark smile
SQUIRE
Because you know how to get things like this done, being social and all.
Come on, put in a good word for me,
Nancy’s interest is piqued.
NANCY (mockingly)
So, you don’t think your charm will be enough to win her over?
SQUIRE
Emily’s father’s my boss, and he’s a huge guy with a lot of tough friends. One of them’s even called Gorilla. If I were to pursue her directly, it might create complications and they might come after me. But with your help, maybe she’ll give me a chance, you know, without my boss knowing about it..
Nancy’s expression changes, indicating intrigue mixed with disbelief.
NANCY (confused)
Wait a minute. Who’s your boss? My dad knows a guy called Gorilla. Black hair, big tattoo of a monkey on his arm?
SQUIRE
Yeah, that’s him. You know him?
NANCY
Not really, just of him. Who’s your boss?
SQUIRE
That’s not important. Emily’s the one I’m talking about.
NANCY
Tell me who your boss is and I’ll help you.
SQUIRE
I don’t know his real name. Everyone calls him Cheese
NANCY
What’s he look like?
SQUIRE
Tall, bald, glasses.
Emily stares at him, mouth open.
EMILY
What kind of clothes does he wear?
SQUIRE
Mostly blue jeans and a sports jacket, always has a nice shirt.
Emily stands up, paces.
EMILY
What kind of job do you do for him?
SQUIRE
It’s confidential. Not full time, you know, I do things for him when he calls me.
Different stuff.
NANCY (stunned)
This can’t be right. Your boss is… my father?
SQUIRE
What? I had no idea.
NANCY
Oh, my God. Emily’s my half sister!
Nancy’s emotions fluctuate between anger and hurt.
NANCY (teary-eyed)
You know, she really is a bitch.
Maybe we can help each other out, here.
Why don’t you come over to my house for dinner?
I’ll tell Mom and Dad you’re my new boyfriend.
SQUIRE (softly)
I understand how you feel, but this may really piss him off.
He may send Gorilla to see me because of you, not Emily.
Nancy takes his coffee, puts it on the table, takes his arm and heads for the door.
NANCY
Let’s go over to your place. I want to get to know you better.
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Lesson 13
Jo’s Maximum Interest 2
What I Learned: Writing an interesting scene requires putting in all of the Interest Techniques possible although that often makes the word count and thus the page count increase. That said, it is likely better to have a longer scene, written well, than a bunch of shorter, marginal scenes.
Scene Logic: The three ladies (Grace, Madeline, Iris) after being arrested, pretend to be mentally ill hoping to be sent to the psychiatric hospital instead of the county jail.
Scene Essence: Grace, Madeline & Iris feign mental illness.
Interest Techniques for the Rewrite:
—hook
—dilemma
—prediction
—something unseen
—mystery
—create a future
—anticipatory dialogue
—cliff hanger
—uncomfortable moment
Scene Rewrite:
INT: RAMSEY COUNTY LAW ENFORCEMENT INTERROGATION ROOM – NIGHT
Grace, Madeline and Iris sit on the same side of the table, handcuffed.
IRIS: Are we being watched through that window? Hook
GRACE: Smile pretty, girls!
The women smile as if they were on a modeling shoot for a fashion magazine.
MADELINE: I should have combed my hair and put on lipstick before we were asked to grace this god-awful place with our presence.
IRIS: Policemen types prefer the natural look.
MADELINE: (accusingly) And…how do you know?
IRIS: My mother said so.
GRACE: Iris, your mother is dead.
IRIS: I know.
Madeline steps on her chair then on top of the table. Shows off her legs and jangles her hand cuffs.
MADELINE: I just love my new jewelry. It goes well with my peacock blue blouse, don’t you think?
The women giggle like junior high girls on a shopping spree inside Walmart.
IRIS: Silver goes with everything. My mmm…
GRACE: …mother said so. (pause) Silver looks really nice, Maddy, but frankly I’m more worried about the gold.
IRIS: What gold?
GRACE: The gold it is going to take to get us the hell out of here.
MADELINE: The bathrooms in places like this are always so gross…
GRACE: As is the food. I heard that the Red Rooster Café won the contract to deliver the food to the jail. That place is a bona-fide greasy spoon.
IRIS: I hate greasy food. My mother said …
GRACE: Oh God, here we go again…the wisdom of mother.
IRIS: My mother said the food at Prairie Hills was excellent.
MADELINE: How’d she know?
IRIS: Oh, she and her third husband were there for 5 years.
MADELINE: Sorry I asked. Are the bathrooms sanitary?
IRIS: Mother said they were.
There’s a light knock at the door. Madeline scurries down off the table and sits on her chair like a proper lady.
GRACE: Remember our pact!
Detective Pryor, 40 something, a rugged, handsome blonde with a well-toned body and a suntan enters with a file folder tucked under his arm. He sits in the only chair left on the opposite side of the table. He spreads out photographs in front of the ladies as deftly as a casino card shark. The detective displays an “I’m in charge here attitude. His shirttail hangs out of his jeans indicating he was summoned from home after his bedtime.
DETECTIVE PRYOR: I’m Detective Victor Pryor. This won’t take long. You have waived your right to consul…correct?
GRACE: I don’t need no man to counsel me…for pity sake.
IRIS: The truth always prevails. My mother says it is written in the stars.
The detective clears his throat, thrown off guard. He gathers his composure.
DETECTIVE: So…you gals had yourselves quite a crime spree.
The women exchange questioning glances.
GRACE: Oh, but Sir, we aren’t criminals.
DETECTIVE: The evidence indicates otherwise. You’ve been charged with theft, driving without a license, hit and run, fleeing to avoid arrest, DUI, possession of a controlled substance, willful destruction of property, making terroristic threats, threatening an officer with a loaded firearm and attempted vehicular homicide. Mystery—how it happened
MADELINE: Does this mean we will get our names in the paper?
DETECTIVE: Most likely.
IRIS: Oh goody! We’re famous. Maddy, we’re going to be celebrities. P-e-a-c-h-y!
DETECTIVE: Photos, eye witnesses and victim statements indicate you were the driver, Mrs. Hilliard.
The detective waits for a response while Grace stares at a spider climbing the wall. He pretends not to notice her odd behavior and places a photo in front of Grace. He deliberately thumps his forefinger waiting for a response. Iris picks up the photo of Grace driving the Schwans truck.
IRIS: Oh Grace, this is such a good photo. You have a regal profile. Don’t you think so, Madeline?
Madeline looks from the photo to Grace’s profile several times.
MADELINE: Yes. I see it now. I never noticed it before, but now that you mention it???
IRIS: (sweetly) Detective, how thoughtful of you to give us photos of our trip around Ramsey County. I’ll put these in my memory book.
Detective Pryor stares at Iris, unbelieving.
DETECTIVE: This is evidence. Not junk for your damned scrapbook!
The detective jerks the photographs out of Iris’s hand and shoves them into the folder.
He leans back in his chair, coldly staring at the women trying to size them up. He cracks his knuckles, then leans forward, placing his hands on the table, thumping his fingers.
MADELINE: (seductively) What strong hands you have. Uncomfortable moment
The detective slides his hands under the table. He rubs his legs then places his fingertips on the edge of the table. He thumps his fingers, his patience fading.
MADELINE: You should get yourself one of those stress balls.
DETECTIVE: (Yelling) I don’t need any stress balls!
The detective pounds his fist on the table. The women jerk, startled. BEAT
GRACE: Shame on you! A grown man, having the temper tantrum of a two year old. BEAT
The detective squirms, frustrated. He changes tactics. BEAT
DETECTIVE: I can’t figure your motive…unless…you’re operating with a terrorist group. You’ve recently traveled out of the country. Frequently, in fact.
IRIIS: Oh, we had a lovely time. We took cruises.
GRACE: We got in on the senior citizen discount package.
Madeline snickers, covers her mouth, then points to Iris. Grace snickers.
MADELINE: Iris.
DETECTIVE: Iris is the terrorist?
IRIS: (defensive) The Pink Panthers never hurt nobody!
DETECTIVE: You are in serious trouble, ladies. This will be easier if you cooperate. If you don’t, I can make it hell for you and you will go to jail for a very long time. Dilemma, prediction
MADDELINE: (defeated) Girls, we might as well tell the truth to the handsome detective.
GRACE: The voices.
DETECTIVE: Voices? Something unseen & major twist
IRIS: Beautiful, angelic voices.
GRACE: They said, “Ice cream. Ice cream.”
DETECTIVE: What the hell is the matter with you people?
The detective, about to blow, gathers up his folder. Stomps to the door. He stops.
The women flash their best, “I have no idea what you are talking about” expressions.
DETECTIVE: You’re fucking nuts. Totally, fucking nuts! Anticipatory dialogue & character changes radically
GRACE:; Bingo! create a future
The detective slams the door behind him. The women sit silent. a weak cliff hanger
BEAT
GRACE: (To Madeline) Your handsome detective swears like a sailor.
MADELINE: They all do.
GRACE: It sounds like hell.
-
David’s Max Interest 2
What I learned from this assignment is the value of creating as much interest as possible into every scene.
Logline: Charlie and Victor get pulled over by a cop- with the Stanley Cup in the trunk
Essence: Victor sweet talks his way out of it
Hook — Cop pulls them over for a busted taillight. The tags have expired.
Dilemma — Should Victor take off or let the cop run his license?
Predictions — Victor tells Charlie about the tags, ‘we’re fucked’
Something unseen — Cop, at first. Then maybe an RV full of drunk people cruise past, capturing cops attention. OR the Ranger fan at the club, drives back home, obviously drunk singing Roski’s ‘Fuck Philly!’ Cop pulls him over.
Mystery — Why did they get pulled over? Why didn’t Victor renew his registration? This is wheer Vic says he’s broke, comes clean to Charlie.
Creating a Future — They’re both going to jail. Victor says he’ll take the rap for the Cup.
Anticipatory Dialogue — Vic saying he’ll take rap, going to jail.
Cliffhangers — Cop about to write ticket when he sees Rangers fan, cop has dilemma- chases Rangers fan. Later we see he took a bus (we know why)
Uncomfortable Moment — get pulled over, cops comes up them, ‘know why I pulled you over?’ Vic jokes: ‘Cause I’m Black.’ His charm isn’t working.
-
Beth Zurkowski Max interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving
my writing isLogline: Four misfit kids fight ghosts
using science even though the Neanderthals use magic and try to stop
them, but they are unsuccessful.Essence: Ghosts harass the misfit kids
and anyone else using science.Interest techniques: hook,
predictions,mystery, cliffhanger.INT. -MIDDLE SCHOOL WEST WING HALLWAY- DAY
Entering the Bardsville school, NOVA 11 almost gets hit as the wind slams the door shut behind her. She grabs her stomach and looks around. A ghost is in front of her just vanishing from view.
NOVA
(groans)
Not those darn ghosts again. They may be someone’s ancestors, but they’ve GOT to go!
Bell rings and startles her. Nova hustles to English class.
INT.- AUDITORIUM- AFTERNOON
Nova meets up with her classmates: TAKEESA 11, MAX KIM 10 and BENNY 11. The old vending machines rattle horribly when she walks past. Then walks to the rickety table where her friends are and sets down her brown lunch bag.
NOVA
Hey guys, I think I saw a ghost out in the hallway this morning. I don’t know about you guys, but I want them gone. Thing is, I’m not sure I can fight them alone.
TAKEESKA
Something happened with a pirate ghost this morning.
Max Kim looks scared as he gulps his chocolate milk.
NOVA
What? What happened?
TAKEESHA
Dayton was carrying a science book when he was attacked by the ghost. Remember ghosts don’t like science.
NOVA
Is he okay?
Takeesha stuffs her sandwich into her mouth. She gestures “give me a minute” A chair drops. Everyone jumps. Nova looks around the room.
BENNY
He went to the hospital screaming.
Takeesha lays on the table in front of Benny.
TAKEESHA
Nova’s my friend. I should tell her. You know what I mean?
NOVA
That’s probably the same ghost I saw. Benny, you actually believe you saw something?
BENNY
Yes, but it could most likely be explained. Paranormal stuff needs proof. And there’s such a thing as mob mentality.
TAKEESHA
Aw, come on Benny. You know ghosts exist now.
BENNY
I don’t want to discuss it.
Takeesha climbs off the table. Benny pops the last of his sandwich into his mouth.
INT. HALLWAY NEAR LOCKERS-AFTERNOON
Takeesha and Nova are getting books out of lockers.
TAKEESHA
I still want to do the seance in the library.
NOVA
Even after seeing the pirate ghost?
TAKEESHA
I can handle myself. I’m a shaman.
Takeesha holds up her African medallion necklace.
NOVA
Well, I want to try out my psychic powers too.
TAKEESHA
So, let’s do it. Maybe we can tell the ghosts to stop. They haven’t hurt anyone. You know what I mean?
Meet me at the school library at about five after two.
The bell rings.
INT. STUDYHALL-AFTERNOON
Nova takes the library pass and heads out. Squeaks from her holey old sneakers echo off the brick walls of the hallway. she notices a red banner stretched across the corridor. Bardsville Banicoots Bite Back 2046. Another sign put up reminds everyone about the visit by the Great NOCTURNAL NED 28 on Friday in the auditorium. The psychic has red hair done up in a pompadour style. The picture is created to look mysterious and a little spooky, representing Ned’s supernatural power. Nova carries five heavy paranormal school library books with no problem. BRENDA(bully) 13 is in the principal’s office to Nova’s left. Nova hurries. The office door begins to open. Brenda is coming out. Takeesha waits near the library entrance. She carries a few books and an Ouija board with planchette.
NOVA
Let’s go inside. Hurry I just saw my bully.
Nova skids on the waxed floor and grabs the door handle.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY–AFTERNOON
They enter. Listening at the door. Footsteps fade away.
NOVA
What a relief.
Nova looks around the book-stuffed room. They have the entire place to themselves along with MRS. MUNROE 56, the librarian. The girls return their library books into the drop off box. Nova gets a book she was hiding.
NOVA
I can’t wait to see the foal today. Hopefully it will be white like it’s father.
TAKEESHA
Oh I know.
NOVA
Takeesha, here’s a book you’d like. I put it in the science section so no one would check it out. You get first dibs.
TAKEESHA
‘Sewing for Money? Say, I like the looks of this! Thank you.
Takeesha hugs the book.
NOVA
Where’s that pattered outfit from the African Heritage days?
TAKEESHA
Oh, girl, I’m just waiting for the right time, you know what I mean?
Suddenly, Nova jumps in excitement.
NOVA
Quick, let’s do the seance.
They grab a corner table near the windows. From her hip pack, Nova brings out a handful of strong smelling sage, eucalyptus, and wormwood. Takeesha wrinkles her nose and smiles.
NOVA
These smells will get us in the spiritual mood.
TAKEESHA
Let’s close the curtains.
Nova and Takeesha race to close the curtains and darken the corner. They skip back to the table. Takeesha brings out, from her pack, three battery powered tea lights and turns them on. Their faces pulse in the lights as Nova crushes the herbs together with her fingers. Takeesha places the Ouija board in front of them on the table and they put their hands on the planchette. Again, Nova glances at the rain against the window to her right missing a dark shade. The rain sluices down cascading over the ledge in the center creating a sheet of water. Nova sees a man RALF 44 with cropped white hair, white beard, and mustache moving his hands as he rotates them over a basin. Unruly colorful fractals in 3-D rise up from his hands.
NOVA
Holy chaos.
Nova blinks her eyes and he is gone. In the library, the planchette moves over the letters on the Ouija board, even without questions being posed. It spells out N.O.V.A. Suddenly, the planchette begins to speed all over the board. The girls couldn’t keep up with it.
NOVA
Something just grabbed my hand and I can’t lift my other hand. Takeesha, I need your help.
TAKEESHA
I can’t move my left hand either.
Takeesha bites her lower lip as she struggles to pull away from the planchette. She yells at the board.
TAKEESHA
What do you want from us?
Then the mysterious presence abruptly releases Nova from the planchette and forces her from her chair. Nova is pulled and pushed to an aisle of books. Finally loose, Takeesha runs after her.
NOVA
Takeesha help me. It’s hurting my wrist. Holy chaos! What did I get myself into?
Nova’s hand searches the book shelves-as if it could read by itself. Finally, it reaches out for a chewed up tome. The book is like a vacuum. Attached to the book Nova removes it from the dirty shelf. Takeesha catches up to her.
TAKEESHA
What’s happening?
NOVA
I don’t want this stupid book.
Nova is going to fling it down but her hand clings to it.
TAKEESHA
Hang on. We wanted the ghosts to talk to us. Maybe they are. What is that book?
Nova begins to calm down a little, mostly because she is regaining the use of her hand. She looks at the title.
NOVA
“The Legends of Gods around the World.”
When Nova tries to open it, she can’t. The pages are stuck together. Nova catches her breath and shrugs.
NOVA
But what does it mean?
Suddenly, Nova dances in a circle then races across the room. She almost ran over Takeesha.
NOVA
Fricken! Something’s got a hold of my arm again.
Nova disappears down another dark aisle. Takeesha runs after her.
MRS. MUNROE
There is no running in this here library, young ladies.
Beat
That is what I want and that is what I shall have.
With glassy eyes, Mrs. Munroe put her finger in the air. She turns to go into the back room. Meanwhile Nova is searching for another volume. She scans the titles. Her hand came to another book.
NOVA
Oh of course, Neanderthals.
The book, all chewed–up and dusty, came off the shelf and hovers in front of her face. Without the help of her hand this time.
TAKEESHA
Holy chaos!
NOVA
Why not? Go ahead and give it to me.
The book lay down on the pile in her arms. Then the herculean force that pulled her around the library suddenly let her go. Nova groans and drops to the floor like a rag doll. The book about Neanderthals flops open to page 236 in her lap.
NOVA
What happened to me? Was that a ghost?
Takeesha shrugs. Nova looks at the book in her lap of the artist’s rendition of the cave man and women. Nova rubs her cheek bones and brow ridge. No wonder they look familiar.
NOVA
Do you think I look like a Neanderthal?
TAKEESHA
Let me see.
Takeesha grabbed the book and looked closer at the pictures then gazed at Nova.
TAKEESHA
I don’t know, maybe. What would you do if I said yes?
NOVA
I guess I might be sad… and maybe I might be relieved because that would explain a lot about…
TAKEESHA
Oh what do you think happened to us?
NOVA
I don’t know about you, Takeesha, but I’m calling that encounter a visit by a ghost.
School bell rings out.
MRS. MUNROE
Are you two ready to check out? That was the final bell.
Nova closes the book, gets up with her load, and picks up their things at the table.
NOVA
Hmm. Mrs. Munroe didn’t say anything about the ghost.
They start to shuffle to the counter.
TAKEESHA
Do you think it will bother her?
NOVA
Her library is now haunted.
TAKEESHA
Well, it is our own fault, you know.
Then Mrs. Munroe stops what she is doing, blinks rapidly, yawns, and seems to notice the young women. She pushes round glasses up her nose. Nova puts her books down on the counter creating a dust cloud. As they stand at the checkout, Takeesha turns to Nova.
TAKEESHA
I was thinking—
NOVA
You can do that?
MRS. MUNROE
Oh, that’s not very nice, Nova.
NOVA
Sorry.
Takeesha grabs Nova by the arm.
TAKEESHA
You have got to stop with that joke. It was only funny the first time. You know what I mean?
NOVA
Oh, all right, I guess.
MRS. MUNROE
And you’ve also got to stop running in the library.
NOVA
But I was pulled all over the library by a ghost. It took me to these books. Do they mean anything to you? And one of your books is glued together.
MRS. MUNROE
Oh really? There’s still no running in the library.
NOVA
But my hand was grabbed by a ghost and I couldn’t get away from it.
MRS. MUNROE
Maybe I should tell the school principal, hmmm?
NOVA
Do you believe in ghosts?
MRS. MUNROE
Doesn’t everybody? However, ghosts can’t pull you around. They have no substance to grab with.
Nova looks at Takeesha who shrugs. Nova gazes upon the librarian.
NOVA
What do you think of these books?
MRS. MUNROE
They don’t seem to have any significance.
Mrs. Munroe picks up the stuck together book and examines it.
MRS. MUNROE
It looks a little water-damaged, but it’s okey dokey. Do you still want it?
Mrs. Munroe opens it to a page of a flying horse.
NOVA
Oh, definitely.
Nova and Takeesha hand over their hall passes and the temporary libary cards to Mrs. Munroe. She smiles pleasantly as she checks out Takeesha’s books. Mrs. Munroe flips through a drawer of 3×5-inch cards
MRS. MUNROE
Nova Nowak, you have a ten dollar fine for a late book.
NOVA
Oh, okay…
Nova swallows, digs in her pockets and pays for it.
TAKEESHA
Say, when did the library lose the beat up old computer this place used to have?
MRS. MUNROE
Last week, it died and we couldn’t find anyone who could repair it. So we recycled it and then couldn’t find anyone to sell us a used or new one. Fortunately, I’d been moving to cards for some time. Never really trusted or kept current with the thing.
NOVA
Wow, I thought technology was a good thing.
MRS. MUNROE
If it wasn’t for President Hayden Radford and Reverend Corbin Heller, we couldn’t go back to the basics of life. Computers and other technology are bad for the United States.
NOVA
That’s not true. I want to live in the past. Just think of all the electronic toys–
MRS. MUNROE
Technology was getting too advanced. Some people were getting so technically illiterate they couldn’t figure out how to work the different gadgets. It was time for a change.
MS. CHILLDRESS 45 clears her throat. She hesitates at the door, then strolls toward the librarian, slamming some books on the counter.
MS. CHILDRESS
Carol, that attitude is precisely why we are not able to compete in the world and make scientific discoveries.
MRS. MUNROE
Noreen, Have you ever noticed that scientists make so many mistakes with their data? It’s no wonder no one trusts their discoveries.
Mrs. Munroe takes the books and put them in an old dented metal cart.
MRS. MUNROE
The old folk cure and remedies have stood the test of time and still work.
MS. CHILDRESS
Don’t be ridiculous. We need to change to fit the times. When our knowledge grows, the infomation changes and we advance out of primitive times.
MRS. MUNROE
I’ll accept primitive times because it must be a divine plan. Things happen for a reason.
MS. CHILDRESS
(rolled her eyes)
Nova and Takeesha, how are you?
NOVA
Hi, Ms. Childress. We… communicated with a ghost in this library.
MS. CHILDRESS
Did it bother you? Were you doing anything with science?
TAKEESHA
No, we just wanted to talk to it.
MS. CHILDRESS
Well, I’m glad you’re not hurt. I don’t think you know what you are dealing with. Dayton died before he made it to the hospital. Please be careful!
Ms. Childress tromps out the door.
MRS. MUNROE
Poor family. Dayton had a heart condition on top of it.
NOVA
(Whispering in Takeesha’s ear)
The ghost didn’t kill him.
Nova picked at a library book corner. Then yanked her hand away.
NOVA
Mrs. Munroe, why did they get rid of Ms. Chilldress’ science classes?
MRS. MUNROE
English is more important.
NOVA
(disgusted)
Come on, Takeesha, lets go.
Nova hugs her books and starts for the door.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY–AFTERNOON
The two friends head out of the library into the din of loud talking, slamming locker doors and shuffling of feet.
TAKEESHA
What do you think the ghost was trying to tell us?
NOVA
I don’t know. At my house, we can use the Ouija board again. Hopefully, it will open more book pages.
TAKEESHA
And while there, we can see if Chocolate had her foal yet, ya know.
They sprint down the hallway full of kids to get their books and homework. Takeesha’s locker was on top and three over from Nova’s on the bottom. Nova stands near Takeesha’s locker to wait while another student finishes getting her stuff. A decorative strip of wood spans the school hallways. Takeesha knocks on it for good luck.
TAKEESHA
This is to make sure the foal is a filly.
Nova looks at pictures of horses of every size, color, and shape taped to the inside of Takeesha’s locker door,
TAKEESHA
Nova, I changed my mind, I want to go home.
NOVA
But Takeesha…
The halls became much quieter. Nova sees only two kids getting their stuff.
NOVA
Fine, I’ll go without you.
TAKEESHA
When she finally has her foal, please call and let me know if it’s a colt or filly.
Takeesha puts her raincoat over her bookbag. She leaves the building grabbing her bike from the rack and rides away in the heavy rain.
NOVA
(alone)
Man, I think I saw lightning.
Nova got on her hands and knees and digs around in her locker.
NOVA
Ugh, why does everything get buried in here?
Deep in thought, Nova didn’t notice the two shadows blocking the florescent lights until it was too late. Brenda and AMANDA 14.
BRENDA
Hey! Stand up you ugly freak.
Nova stands, using her books as a shield. She inhales and holds it squeezing her eyes shut. Brenda is grinding her fist into her palm.
<title></title><style type=”text/css”>
</style> -
Brian G. Walsh’s Max Interest — Interest Techniques Part Two
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that including the
interest techniques adds intrigue and makes for compelling reading.
EXT. BEACH – NIGHT
A bright moon is shining above. AL WALKER, 65, walks
hand-in-hand with his grandson, JERRY, 6. They stop before
an overturned canoe. Jerry points to footprints leading to the
water.
JERRY
Did you hear it, grandpa?
Walker squints, looks to where Jerry points. His eyes open
wide. His jaw drops. He collects himself, swallows hard, then
looks away.
WALKER
I don’t hear anything.
Walker leads his grandson over to the canoe. He sits on it. He stares
out to the water, hands shaking. Jerry drops to his knees and runs his
hand over the footprints.
JERRY
He needs our help.
Walker shakes his head vehemently. His eyes fill with tears.
Jerry yanks his hand back from the sand. He holds it up to
examine it.
Walker gets up, shuffles over to the boy, takes his hand and
holds it up to the moonlight.
WALKER
What’s that you got there?
JERRY
Blood. He’s hurt.
WALKER
It’s not him. He’s gone, Jerry. Gone.
Jerry looks up at his grandfather, tears in his eyes.
WALKER (CONT’D)
It’s just you and me now. We’ve got to stick
together.
Behind them, the overturned canoe rises silently. A man crawls
out from under it. He is beaten and bloody. He holds a 9mm
Glock 19 pistol.
MAN
(softly)
You know why he came.
Walker and Jerry turn sharply. Jerry gets behind Walker. He is
scared, shaking.
WALKER
You bastard!
Walker moves towards him. The man points the Glock defensively.
Walker stops, takes a step back.
WALKER
How dare you come back here!
The man is FOULKE, mid-thirties. He drops to one knee, exhausted,
but still holds the pistol.
FOULKE
You really wanna have this conversation in front of the boy?
Jerry tugs on Walker’s pants leg. Walker reaches behind and rubs
the boy’s hair.
JERRY
Send him away, grandpa.
Foulke chuckles. He sits on the canoe, takes a deep breath.
FOULKE
You gonna send me away, grandpa?
WALKER
Shut up, Foulke.
Jerry points at Foulke, his hand shaking.
JERRY
He is the one!
Walker turns to the boy to calm him.
WALKER
Take it easy, boy. It wasn’t him.
(rubs his shoulder)
Foulke and I are gonna take a little walk.
JERRY
(whispers)
He killed papa!
Walker puts his hands on the boy’s shoulders.
WALKER
Stay right here. This won’t take long.
Walker stands up straight. He glares at Foulke.
FOULKE
Let’s take a walk, old man.
The two men hobble off, Foulke limping from his wounds,
Walker shuffling due to old age.
The wind picks up. Walker shivers. Foulke looks off
towards the water.
FOULKE
Why do you fight me on this, Al? I did you a favor but
you never thanked me.
Walker stares off into the water, looking for something.
WALKER
You didn’t finish the job.
FOULKE
What kind of man do you think I am?
Walker refuses to look at him.
FOULKE (CONT’D)
(softly)
You fucking coward.
Walker turns on him, fists balled.
WALKER
You can’t expect me to . . .
FOULKE
He wouldn’t have come back if there
wasn’t something to come back for. You
were supposed to take care of that.
(beat)
You really got old, Al.
Walker lowers his hands. Tears stream down his
cheeks.
FOULKE
So I’ve got to do your dirty work for you . . .
again.
WALKER
You didn’t do it right the first time.
FOULKE
We can use that to our advantage.
WALKER
Just leave me out of it.
FOULKE
Oh, no. No way. You’re gonna supply the
bait. When he goes for it –
WALKER
What if he doesn’t?
FOULKE
He will. Even if he suspects a trap.
WALKER
You miss this time and it’s the end of both
of us.
FOULKE
I won’t miss, but will you do your part?
Walker looks down, shakes his head.
FOULKE
You must!
WALKER
We’ve got to be wrong! There’s no way to be
sure Jerry will turn out like my . . . like his dad.
Foulke puts away the pistol. He looks off into the ocean.
FOULKE
(sighs)
I’m gonna do it my way then.
(beat)
They say drowning is one of the worst ways
to die.
(beat)
I’ve never killed a child before.
Walker closes his eyes, clenches his fist.
WALKER
I’ll take care of . . .
(beat)
I’ll take care of my grandson.
FOULKE
For what it’s worth, I am sorry.
WALKER
Go to hell.
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