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Lesson 13
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15 Replies
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Subject: Monica’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is to go through and find those scenes that are less than entertaining and elevate them through this process.
Your job for this assignment is to use this process and experience a success with it.
1. From your script, select a scene that would benefit from a more compelling scene structure. Place it at the top of the page, then do the rest of the steps below in order.
I’ve chosen my boxing scene. In this scene, the protagonist has just arrived back in the city, to meet her undercover team.
2. List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.
What I am trying to accomplish with this scene? To meet the undercover team. The protagonist knows one of the members because they’re long-time friends. But the other one will be her partner and her boss for this mission. To set-up that Victoria is an expert in various forms of self-defense and that she likes to work alone.
The original scene:
Beginning:
Serena (TC) and Daniel (SCP) enter the boxing gym to see Victoria (P)
working out.
Middle: Victoria challenges Daniel for a go
around in the ring. He declines.<div>Ending:
Victoria says she’s going after Jack (A) and Daniel better not get in the
way.3. Imagine the scene being played out through three or more of the 11 scene structures listed above and write a version of the ones you like through the structure.
Irony
Beginning:
Serena and Daniel enter the boxing gym to see Victoria working out.</div><div>Middle:
Victoria challenges Daniel for a go
around in the ring. He declines.Ending: It’s a well-matched fight. But Daniel
ends up the winner. Victoria has to accept they’re all in it together.Misinterpretation
Beginning:
Serena and Daniel enter the boxing gym to see Victoria working out.</div><div>Middle: Victoria challenges Daniel for a go
around in the ring. He accepts. Victoria smirks thinking since she’s done
this forever, he hasn’t got a snow ball’s chance.Ending: It’s a well-matched fight. But Victoria
ends up the winner. Daniel misinterpreted that Victoria is a superior
fighter because she’s a woman!Suspense
Beginning:
Serena and Daniel enter the boxing gym to see Victoria working out.</div><div>Middle: Victoria challenges Daniel for a go
around in the ring. He accepts. The “duke” it out.
Ending: It’s a well-matched fight. Daniel and
Victoria end up on the mat. And the sparks fly setting up a sub-plot for
romance!4. Make your choice of the new scene structure and rewrite the scene. I choose the suspense since I need to set up the romance sub-plot. This is the place to do it.
</div>
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Lesson 13
Pat’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is to go through and find those scenes that are less than entertaining and elevate them through this process.
Your job for this assignment is to use this process and experience success with it.
1. From your script, select a scene that would benefit from a more compelling scene structure. Place it at the top of the page, then do the rest of the steps below in order.
I’ve chosen a scene that introduces the antagonist that threatens a city official.
The original scene:
A CITY COMMISSIONER walks to his car in a dark parking garage.
A shadow of a man moves to a nearby pole.
The commissioner moves quickly to get to his car.
ROB BROADRICK, 40’s, a corrupt contractor, steps out of the shadows. moves closer, draws his gun, backs the commissioner up against his car. Stabbing the gun into his throat, threatening him, that he must help him with his 10-million-dollar corrupt project or he will kill his family.
ROB BROADRICK
I’ve got a project that means a lot to me. You’re going to help me get it through the city planning commission.
The commissioner, scared beyond reason, shakes his head, no.
Rob gets angered, hits the commissioner with the butt of his gun.
The commissioner hits the ground with a thud. Groans as he looks up at Rob.
Rob points the gun at the commissioner and threatens the life of his family.
ROB BROADRICK
I’d hate to see something happen to your wife and kids.
The commissioner shakes his head, yes.
2. List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.
What I’m trying to accomplish with this scene? To add more suspense.
Original Scene:
Beginning: Antagonist surprises his target in a dark garage.
Middle: Beats and threatens the city official’s family
Ending: The official finally agrees to help him when his family is threatened.
3. Imagine the scene being played out through three or more of the 11 scene structures.
Irony
Beginning: Antagonist attacks city official in a dark garage.
Middle: The official carries a gun.
Ending: Antagonist backs off.
Misinterpretation
Beginning: Antagonist attacks city official in a dark garage
Middle: He learns he has not attacked the right man.
Ending: Antagonist runs off.
Suspense
Beginning: Antagonist attacks city official in a dark garage.
Middle: The official has a gun. They wrestle for the gun
Ending: Antagonist gets control and threatens his family, official finally agrees.4. Make your choice of the new scene structure and rewrite the scene.
My choice is to add more suspense and
surprise of the city official having a gun -
Jacqueline – Elevated Scene Structure
What I’ve learned from this assignment is to simplify the story details and focus on a better scene structure to elevate the entertainment level
The midpoint – What I want to accomplish – Jenny is in New York when she discovers that her husband has been lying about his income for the past year and emptied their savings account to pay their mortgage. Now he wants to sell her rare book collection for quick cash.
Current Scene – MIDPOINT- INT. HILTON, ROOM 432 – EVENING
Beginning – Jenny in her hotel room. She’s had an amazing day and is considering using the vibrator Helen gave her to top it all off when Richard calls.
Middle – Richard reveals he’s used all their savings to pay the mortgage and now they’re broke and the bank’s threatening to repossess the house
End – Richard wants to sell her rare book collection from her late mother for quick cash to tide them over
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>Alternative Scene Structures:</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>1. Scene structure – Twist</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>Beginning – After a brilliant day in NYC Jenny’s using her new vibrator to have the first orgasm she’s had in years</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>Middle – She gets a call from her bank’s legal department saying after 4 months of mortgage payment defaults they are now starting action to repossess the house – she knows nothing about the payment defaults </font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>End – Jenny calls Richard and discovers he got fired 12 months ago and has drained their savings to pay the mortgage without telling her and is planning to sell her rare book collection for quick cash to tide them over.</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>2. Scene Structure – Mislead and Reveal</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>Beginning – Richard calls Jenny to let her know he’s got a good offer for her rare book collection and they should consider selling. He’s kind and persuasive – doesn’t she want that new kitchen?</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>Middle – Jenny’s curious – He’s harped on about selling for years but why now? Those books have high sentimental value for her</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>End – Richard reveals he got fired 12 months ago, has drained their savings account and defaulted on the mortgage and if they don’t get a quick cash injection now they’ll lose the house.</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>3. Scene Structure – Competitive agendas</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>Beginning – Richard suggests selling Jenny’s rare book collection</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>Middle – Jenny doesn’t want to to sell as her mother left her those books. Richard doesn’t understand the sentimental value and reveals he got fired 12 months ago and has drained their savings account and they need the quick cash. Richard wants to sell the books, Jenny would rather sell the house and downsize</font></font>
<font face=”Arial”><font size=”2″>End – Richard’s at home with the books. Jenny’s in New York without them. He’s going to sell them with or without her permission.</font></font>
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Re-posting as first post not totally readable – Oops!
Jacqueline – Elevated Scene Structure
What I’ve learned from this assignment is to simplify the story details and focus on a better scene structure to elevate the entertainment level
The midpoint – What I want to accomplish – Jenny is in New York when she discovers that her husband has been lying about his income for the past year and emptied their savings account to pay their mortgage. Now he wants to sell her rare book collection for quick cash.
Current Scene – MIDPOINT- INT. HILTON, ROOM 432 – EVENING
Beginning – Jenny in her hotel room. She’s had an amazing day and is considering using the vibrator Helen gave her to top it all off when Richard calls.
Middle – Richard reveals he’s used all their savings to pay the mortgage and now they’re broke and the bank’s threatening to repossess the house
End – Richard wants to sell her rare book collection from her late mother for quick cash to tide them over
Alternative Scene Structures:
1. Scene structure – Twist
Beginning – After a brilliant day in NYC Jenny’s using her new vibrator to have the first orgasm she’s had in years
Middle – She gets a call from her bank’s legal department saying after 4 months of mortgage payment defaults they are now starting action to repossess the house – she knows nothing about the payment defaults
End – Jenny calls Richard and discovers he got fired 12 months ago and has drained their savings to pay the mortgage without telling her and is planning to sell her rare book collection for quick cash to tide them over.
2. Scene Structure – Mislead and Reveal
Beginning – Richard calls Jenny to let her know he’s got a good offer for her rare book collection and they should consider selling. He’s kind and persuasive – doesn’t she want that new kitchen?
Middle – Jenny’s curious – He’s harped on about selling for years but why now? Those books have high sentimental value for her
End – Richard reveals he got fired 12 months ago, has drained their savings account and defaulted on the mortgage and if they don’t get a quick cash injection now they’ll lose the house.
3. Scene Structure – Competitive agendas
Beginning – Richard suggests selling Jenny’s rare book collection
Middle – Jenny doesn’t want to to sell as her mother left her those books. Richard doesn’t understand the sentimental value and reveals he got fired 12 months ago and has drained their savings account and they need the quick cash. Richard wants to sell the books, Jenny would rather sell the house and downsize
End – Richard’s at home with the books. Jenny’s in New York without them. He’s going to sell them with or without her permission.
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Hi there,
I did not get an email nor is Lesson 13 available for me in the class.
Could anybody please send it to me?
Thanks
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I am in the pro rewrite class. I am not able to open my lessons. Ha’s lecture last week was up tp lesson 16. When I try to open any lesson beyond 12, all I get is the name of the class and the complete button. What lesson are we suppose to be doing after the outline exchange. best, Judith Watson cinemaself1@aolcom
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We are currently doing number 13, elevating scene structure. The lesson was emailed.
Lesson 11 is match outline to script
Lesson 12 is rate your scenes
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Hi June,
neither Judith nor I did receive the emails for lesson 13, Judith did not even receive the email for lesson 12.
Could you send us the lessons, please?
elisabethldecesso@ gmail.com
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Elisabeth Decesso.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by
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thanks for the information. best, Judith
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Connie’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned doing this exercise is to not allow myself to get stuck. After last Saturday’s class, Hal shared a great tip. He said if 11 structures are overwhelming, pick your 5 favorites and use them, which I did and it worked. In the previous lesson, I identified 14 scenes rated a 5 and 13 rated at a 6 for a total of 27 scenes to rework, which also felt daunting. I wanted to take them all through lesson #13 but relented and did just the 5s. But it felt good to complete the lesson and move on to catch up with the assignments. This exercise ramped up the humor and made the scenes more entertaining.
Scene # 58 REACT/RETHINK
Beginning: Changed the location to a bowling alley rather than strolling the downtown area and window shopping which ramped up the interest and allowed Daisy and her BFF, Luci to talk while playing.
Middle: Daisy laments her job challenges and throws a gutter ball mirroring her dialog. Luci presses Daisy about her relationship with Buck and gets the dirt then throws a strike. The irony of their interaction and bowling skills is fun.
End: Randall is still disguised as a ratty musician playing for donations in the bowling alley parking lot which surprises Luci when Daisy recognizes him instantly.
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Jen’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned doing this lesson is that this is a great way to systematically elevate scenes and ultimately the scripts as a whole. I used this in combination with lesson 12 and elevated my lower scored scenes using these techniques throughout the script.
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FRAN’S ELEVATED STRUCTURE SCENE
WHAT I LEARNED: I am learning to write with feels and to write the scene mean and lean. And make each scene complete in itself. This was a great rewrite
OLD SCENE
INT. AMULIUS’S TREASURE HOUSE
AMULIUS, Numitor’s brother and soon the usurper of Alba Longa’s throne, and ACTIUS, Amulius’s FIRST GENERAL OF HIS ARMY, consult a SIBYLLINE. Several MILITARY AIDES, SERVANTS attend amongst the gold and jewels of great ancient Trojan wealth.
SIBYL
That is my price for men who
would be kings.
AMULIUS
Forty pieces of gold from the treasures
of Troy? Forty pieces of thievery.
Take of it what you will, then. But
pray, woman, your prophecy speaks
truly to me, or I shall prophesy an
even swifter ending for you.
SIBYL
You drive a hard bargain, spawn of
Tempestes and Mulciber.
With one, quick gesture of her hand, an attendant hurries to pick out the best pieces of gold from the treasury and then quickly leave with them.
SIBYL
I shall need only a moment.
A second attendant brings the Sibyl a potion to drink and places a bowl of steaming, hot salts before her. As she drinks, she slips into a deep trance.
Sweat begins to form on Amulius’s worried brow.
AMULIUS
Nona. Decima. Morta. Speak to me!
The Sibyl’s comely countenance begins to change. She now appears as an old, cragged hag. Morta has come speak to Amulius in one of her many disguises for mortals.
AMULIUS
Speak. Now! Tell me of my future.
Morta’s words are haughty, disdainful toward Amulius.
SIBYL/MORTA
Who has summoned Morta?
AMULIUS
I, Amulius, son of Proca, brother of
King Numitor.
SIBYL/MORTA
Ah, yes, Amulius. The man who would
be king of Alba Longa. Tell me,
pretender king, what do you seek?
AMULIUS
I need you to tell me what lies ahead
for me, goddess. Will I suffer
defeat at the hands of my brother or
claim victory over him?
SIBYL/MORTA
What lies ahead for all manner of
mortals who hunger for their brother’s
crown.
AMULIUS
Do not speak in riddles, old woman. I
have paid a king’s ransom for your
answer.
Morta, more indignant than ever, changes her countenance to that of her younger self.
SIBYL/MORTA
I am not an old woman.
AMULIUS
(angered)
I grow impatient, goddess.
SIBYL/MORTA
I do not speak in riddles, only
truth before gods and men–usurper.
AMULIUS
My patience grows thinner and thinner.
SIBYL/MORTA
And mine as well–of you–would-be
king.
AMULIUS
SPEAK!
SIBYL/MORTA
If the knowing of your future is what
you crave–then, very well. An answer
you shall have. By all the gods has
Jupiter decreed–by sunset Alba Longa
shall have a new king. But, be fore-
warned, Amulius. Your days, too, arenumbered. Before your thread is cut–
SIBYL/MORTA (CONT’D)
by the hands of the rightful heir
shall justice be returned to this
land and King Numitor to his throne.
AMULIUS
By what trick of the gods do you
mock me?
SIBYL/MORTA
It is no trick, Amulius, only the
truth. When the wall, yet not a wall,
of the city has been breached, one son
shall rise, the second fall, the one
cut down by your heir. He who remains,
atrue king, shall rule Jupiter’s city
–glorious and eternal–and a world
such has never been seen, nor shall ever
be seen again. From this death–and
yours–an empire shall be born, wrought
in blood and iron, with many kings who
shall rule a long season, but only after
the one has departed, then after, kings
and consuls, each to slaughter the other
until all have fallen and only the
barbarians are left to rule this land.
When you are dead and gone, Amulius,
know this. A Sabine shall also rule
beside the first. The first of many in
payment for the treachery you are about to perpetrate against your brother.
AMULIUS
What kind of fool do you take me for?
A Sabine pig to rule over my kingdom?
Over my dead body!
SIBYL/MORTA
That is your destiny, Amulius. Live
with it.
AMULIUS
I have heard all the lies I am going
to hear. LEAVE ME, goddess! NOW!
Before I become truly angry.
SIBYL/MORTA
Before I go, would-be king, you shall
hear one last prophecy. One last
thing to satisfy the pleasure of
Jupiter. Because you have offended
the gods with your lust for power–
and your greed for your brother’s
throne, harm one hair on Numitor’s
head and no seed of yours shall ever
hope to inherit this kingdom. Enjoy
your reign while you can, Amulius,
you and your son, for it will be a
very short one.
Amulius grabs the sibyl angrily.
AMULIUS
I paid forty pieces of Trojan gold
for his? With what nonsense do you
dare mock your king?
SIBYL/MORTA
You are no king.
As Morta departs the body of the Sibyl, her body goes limp. Livid with rage, Amulius unsheaths his knife from his belt.
ACTIUS
(trying to stop Amulius)
My lord, it is the oracle now, not
Morta.
AMULIUS
Do you think I care? She spoke of
a son. I have no sons from my long
dead wife. Only a daughter to love
and to cherish.
The Sibyl re-awakens to find her life in very grave danger.
AMULIUS
To Hades with you and all yourlying gods!
Amulius plunges the knife deep into the sibyl’s body. Clinging desperately to him, to life, she curses Amulius.
SIBYL
What you have done to me, so shall
It be done to you and your seed.
AMULIUS
Did you not hear me, prophetess?
With your coming here and seeking
fame upon my fortune, a multitude
of lies upon your lips? I have no
sons.
The Sibyl expires.
AMULIUS
And as long as I can draw breath
and sire children, Numitor will
not sit upon the throne of Alba
Longa–not ever again.
Amulius throws the Sibyl’s dead body to the floor. Actius is now very afraid.
ACTIUS
You have angered the gods, Sire.
AMULIUS
Men make their own destinies, Actius,
not the gods. I should have
remembered. Prophecies and curses
are for old women and schoolboys.
ACTIUS
She was a daughter of Apollo.
AMULIUS
She was–right about one thing,
though.
ACTIUS
My lord?
AMULIUS
A son. One day, I should like to
have a son follow me as king.
ACTIUS
You have Antho.
AMULIUS
My brother has three sons–and I only
a daughter.
ACTIUS
You will need to marry again.AMULIUS
What did the sibyl say again concerning
Numitor? Ah, yes. By the hands of his
rightful heir shall Numitor be returned
to his throne. Well. We can’t have
that now, can we, if I am to marry
again and have a son and heir.
ACTIUS
She also said you and your heir would
die if you touched one hair on Numitor’s
head.
AMULIUS
Not if his heirs all die first and I
make certain he can father no more
children. Then there would be no
cause to worry about my brother
regaining my throne now–would there?
ACTIUS
No, Sire.
AMULIUS
Good. You do see it, then.
ACTIUS
What would you have me do, Amulius?
AMULIUS
In the heat of battle you will make
certain Linus and Telemachus are
killed.–And Aegestus. You will
then bring Ilia to me alive. I have
something–singular–in mind for my
niece.
Actius exits. Several soldiers follow in formation as servants cower in the corner.
AMULIUS
(points to a servant)
You there. Clean up this mess.
(summons a guard soldier to him)
And you–there. Find the thief
who ran off with my gold.
Soldier salutes, exits.
AMULIUS
Lying, thieving witch. (to remaining
soldiers) We have work to do.
Prepare for battle.
Quickly, the soldiers file out behind Amulius as servants remain behind to attend the sibyl and mourn her.
NEW SCENE
INT. KING’S TREASURE HOUSE – EVENING
Midst Troy’s wealth of gold and jewels–and soldiers, Amulius consults with a Sibylline, a Seeress. An old woman who reveals to him his future. But it isn’t the seeress who will speak. It’s FORTUNA, daughter of Jupiter who will prophesy to him Amulius’s fate.
SIBYL
That is my price–for the man who would be a king.
AMULIUS
Forty pieces of gold from the treasures
of Troy? Forty pieces of thievery.
(beat)
Give her what she wants.
A soldier quickly obeys. Receiving her payment …
SIBYL
I shall need a moment.
As an attendant brings the old woman a potion to drink and a steaming, hot bowl of smelling salts before her, Jupiter and Fortuna watch from above–with wicked delight.
FORTUNA
Mortals.
JUPITER
He does not need a seeress to know
his fate.
FORTUNA
But I shall tell him anyway.
Fortuna prepares to depart.
JUPITER
Take care, my daughter. Amulius is a
sly one.
FORTUNA
I am not afraid of him. It is he who
should be afraid—of me.
Fortuna vanishes…
to enter the body of the old woman, now under the spell of the salt’s vapors.
Amulius, all too anxious …
AMULIUS
I weary of patience! SPEAK! TELL ME OF
MY FUTURE!
Fortuna, now in the guise of the old woman …
FORTUNA/SIBYL
Who has summoned me?
AMULIUS
I, Amulius, son of Proca, brother of the
once king Numitor.
FORTUNA/SIBYL
Tell, me pretender king. What is it that
you seek?
AMULIUS
Will I be defeated by my brother, or will I claim
victory–and the throne of Alba Longa?
FORTUNA/SIBYL
What lies ahead for all mortals who hunger after
their brother’s inheritance.
AMULIUS
I paid a king’s ransom for your answer,
old woman! Do not speak to me in riddles!
Fortuna changes her countenance from that of the old woman to her young, youthful, beautiful self.
FORTUNA/SIBYL
I am not an old woman.
AMULIUS
I grow impatient!
FORTUNA/ SIBYL
Very well. Jupiter has decreed by nightfall Alba
Longa shall have a new king.—But be forewarned,
Amulius. Before your thread is cut. Before your time is done—justice shall return to this land. King Numitor shall be returned to his throne. By your own hand!
Fortuna angers Amulius.
AMULIUS
By what trick of the gods do you mock me?
FORTUNA/SYBYL
It is not trick, Amulius. By blood and fire, a
New empire shall be born. But you shall never be its ruler. Only the son of a god shall be its king.—And a Sabine shall rule after him. The first of many—in payment for your treachery.
AMULIUS
A Sabine pig to rule over my kingdom? Over my dead
body!
Fortuna laughs haughtily.
AMULIUS
LEAVE! BEFORE I TRULY BECOME ANGRY!
FROTUNA/SIBYL
Enjoy your reign while you and your son can. For
it will be a short one.
Amulius grabs the Sibyl as Fortuna departs. The Sibyl awakens to find she is in grave peril.
AMULIUS
I paid you forty pieces of Trojan gold for this?
Amulius swiftly takes a knife and plunges it deep into the Sibyl’s heart. As she falls to the floor dying, she whispers with her last breath …
SIBYL
You are NO king.
AMULIUS
Do you think I care what you think? To Hades with
All of you and all your lying gods!
A soldier steps up behind Amulius.
SOLDIER
My lord. She was a daughter of Apollo.
Amulius shakes in fear and disbelief.
AMULIUS
She spoke of a son. I have no son. Only a
daughter, Antho. My brother has three sons. And
a daughter.
SOLDIER
My lord. You can have a son.
AMULIUS
My wife is long dead.
SOLDIER
Remarry.
AMULIUS
Yes. Of course. I can marry again. And this time I will have my son. And he shall rule my kingdom When I am gone.
Amulius looks around him in silence. Servants cower in a corner. Several soldiers remain at Amulius’s side in obedience.
AMULIUS
I am going to have a son.
He stares at the old woman, now dead. He points to one of her attendants.
AMULIUS
You, there. Clean up this mess.
Gathering his wits again ….
AMULIUS
I have a war to attend to.
Quickly, Amulius marches out of the Treasure House, followed by his soldiers.
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[Pro Rewrite] Lesson 13 Assignment – Robert Daniel’s Elevating Scene Structure
What I learned from doing this assignment is that the scene automatically is enhanced and is an immediate improvement.
INT. WALTERS HOME – NIGHT
Meanwhile, at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii at the apartment of U.S. Navy Seal Team Captain MATT WALTERS (30), and his girlfriend SARA MILLS (26), have had a knockdown, drag-out argument about Matt’s procrastination over not seeking help with his nightmares and anger issues. And his unconcern about their future, mainly getting married and starting a family.
INT. WALTERS LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Walter’s stands banging his head against the wall, then looks out a large picture window. He sipping a beer.
Sara enters the room dressed in an oversized T-shirt and boxer shorts. She’s sassy and overly concerned. Walter’s glances towards Sara.
SARA
What’s going on?
WALTERS
I believe, I’m going crazy.
Sara unexpectedly lashes out.
SARA
We’ve been through this so many times. I can’t stand by and watch you self-destruct. You need medical help! You can’t get it from a beer bottle.
WALTERS
I keep having these nightmares. Explosions and… It’s hard to come to grips with this damn thing.
SARA
Do you love me? We have quit talking about us.
WALTERS
You know I love you. I have a great deal of pressure at work.
SARA
This dream is nothing new. It’s tearing us apart. Your previous war and the battle with the bottle are going to kill you. Matt, I’ve had it.
Walters starts pacing.
WALTERS
What does that mean?
SARA (SOBBING)
Matt, I’m leaving, tomorrow. I’m going to see my mother. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone or when I’ll be back.
WALTERS
Hell. Everything around me is going ballistic. Is this how you want to settle things?
Walters stands at the large window silently.
SARA
No, I don’t. But I need some form of commitment from you. I want to get married and have a family. But you need to get your mind straight before we can talk.
WALTERS
Married. A kid? I don’t know. Maybe… If we put some distance between us it might help.
SARA
Distance? It always ends like this. No commitment. No nothing.
Walters takes a long gulp of beer. There’s silence. Sara marches off toward the bedroom. CRYING.
She stops and fires back at Matt.
SARA
Damn it, Matt your life’s a disaster. You need to defeat your worst enemy – yourself. Please, get some help! Please!
WALTERS
You’re right, I am a disaster. Sick, crazy or something.
Sara turns off the light and stomps off toward the bedroom.
Walters places a cold beer to his head. He’s disconnected. He moves to the couch and sits in the dark, rests his head in the hands. Then he lays back and falls asleep.
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Lori’s Elevated Scene Structure
I learned to take scenes I’m not happy with and try different scene structures to increase their entertainment value.
Scene 25 –
The original scene is a short transitional scene, but I want it to have a greater impact.
Beginning: A Christmas play is being performed at the church, and Pastor Thomas is sitting in the audience.
Middle: The play ends, and there’s a song.
End: Thomas has an emotional reaction to the song.
Superior Position:
Beginning: As the Christmas play is performed we see various people in the audience. The audience gets to see that Joan’s killer is there, though Thomas is unaware of this.
Middle: Thomas is emotional over the song at the end and unaware of what or who is about to face. The audience will be worried about him.
End: Thomas is confronted immediately after the play and is caught off guard.
Though a short scene, I feel that this small change makes it much more intriguing.
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Susan’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned: I actually used this exercise to complete a scene that actually needed to be written (from a “placeholder” status) which was very beneficial in creating the scene using “competing agendas”. This is a useful tool that can be used not just in the rewrite phase but in the creation process as well.
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