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Lesson 13
Reply to post your assignment.
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12 Replies
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Chris’s elevated scene structures.
What I learned… I reworked the scene below when we were dealing with character profiles. Going through the script focusing on scene structure prompted a number of changes (mostly minor) that elevated the scenes, but did not change the scene formal per se. Still the different options for scene structure were very useful.
The first version of the scene below had Moses as a victim, too passive, no choices, a victim of circumstances. In the final version, Moses has choices, none good, but choses the one best for him.
INT. TEXAS BOOK DEPOSITORY – DAY
SUPER: “1963”
Oswald holds his rifle on Moses.
MOSES
(surprised)
Whoa, now. What’s this, cap’n?
Oswald backs Moses against the wall. Glances out the window. Almost time.
MOSES
(pleads)
Please, suh. I’s just here to fix the elevator. Whatever yo business here, I’s sho it ain’t no business of mine.
OSWALD
Shut the fuck up. And don’t call me sir, or captain. I ain’t your better. That’s the trouble with this country. White people think they’re superior to negroes. And niggers like you let them get away with it.
Another anxious glance out the window. His moment of truth fast approaches.
As does Moses’.
Moses bats aside the barrel of the rifle. Bull rushes the smaller man. They tumble through the stack of boxed books.
The rifle falls to the floor.
Moses unleashes a flurry of punches to Oswald’s midsection. A glancing blow off his chin. Scrambles for the rifle.
Oswald grabs him by the collar of his jacket. Pulls him down.
A knee to the gut doubles Moses over. A haymaker to the back of his head drops him to the floor.
Oswald goes for the gun. Stumbles over books and boxes. Goes down.
Moses leaps on him. Wraps Oswald up in a bear hug. Squeezes.
Oswald slams the back of his head into Moses’ jaw. Breaks the hold.
Oswald reaches the rifle. Swings. Hammers the butt down on Moses’ skull.
Moses collapses. He’s done.
Oswald chambers a round in the rifle. Jumps to the window.
INSERT – THE PRESIDENTIAL MOTORCADE
Kennedy’s open air limousine passes under a railroad overpass. Unhindered. Out of sight. Out of range.
BACK TO SCENE
His opportunity lost. Oswald turns his weapon on Moses. Hesitates.
OSWALD
I oughta shoot you, you pathetic spook. But that would only ease your misery.
He pulls back the bolt. Ejects the chambered round. Tosses the rifle aside. Exits.
COMPONENTS: COMPETITIVE AGENDAS
Beginning: Moses’ agenda: Don’t interfere with the white man in his white man’s world.
Oswald’s agenda: Not let Moses interfere with his plan to kill President Kennedy.
Middle: They fight.
First Ending: Oswald wins fight. Knocks out Moses. But misses his shot to kill Kennedy.
Final Ending: Moses wins fight. Kennedy lives. Moses holds gun on Oswald. Has choices. None good. Call police? They’ll believe the white man. Moses goes to jail. Shoot Oswald? Moses goes to jail. Let Oswald escape? The only real choice.
SCENE REWRITE:
INT. TEXAS BOOK DEPOSITORY – DAY
SUPER: “1963”
Oswald holds his rifle on Moses.
MOSES
(surprised)
Whoa, now. What’s this, cap’n?
Oswald backs Moses against the wall. Glances out the window. Almost time.
MOSES
(pleads)
Please, suh. I’s just here to fix the elevator. Whatever yo business here, I’s sho it ain’t no business of mine.
OSWALD
Shut the fuck up. And don’t call me sir, or captain. I ain’t your better. That’s the trouble with this country. White people think they’re superior to negroes. And niggers like you let them get away with it.
Another anxious glance out the window. His moment of truth fast approaches.
As does Moses’.
Moses bats aside the barrel of the rifle. Bull rushes the smaller man. They tumble through the stack of boxed books.
The rifle falls to the floor.
Moses unleashes a flurry of punches to Oswald’s midsection. A glancing blow off his chin. Scrambles for the rifle.
Oswald grabs him by the collar of his jacket. Pulls him down.
A knee to the gut doubles Moses over. A haymaker to the back of his head drops him to the floor.
Oswald goes for the gun. Stumbles over books and boxes. Goes down.
Moses leaps on him. Wraps Oswald up in a bear hug. Squeezes.
Oswald slams the back of his head into Moses’ jaw. Breaks the hold. Scrambles for the rifle.
Moses grabs his foot. Drags him back. A knee to his solar plexus.
Oswald collapses by the window. Gasping.
Moses grabs the carbine. Swings on Oswald.
MOSES
Stop!
Oswald freezes.
MOSES
Don’t make me shoot you!
Oswald glances out the window.
INSERT – THE PRESIDENTIAL MOTORCADE
Kennedy’s open-air limousine passes under a railroad overpass. Unhindered. Out of range. Out of history.
BACK TO SCENE
OSWALD
(breathless)
So what now? Police?
MOSES
That’s right.
Oswald chuckles. Winces from Moses’ blows.
OSWALD
You pathetic spook. Who do you think the cops will believe when I tell them you intended to kill the President. The white man who works here? Or the black outsider?
MOSES
What? I’s just here to fix the elevator.
OSWALD
(mocking)
I’s just here to fix the elevator.
Moses tightens his grip on the rifle. Realizes this thwarted assassin is now a threat to him.
MOSES
Maybe I should just shoot you.
Oswald blanches. Not so cocky.
OSWALD
Either way. Your black ass ends up in a Texas penitentiary.
Oswald slowly backs toward the opening in the stacked boxes.
OSWALD
Best thing for both of us, I just walk away.
Moses relents. Lowers the rifle.
Oswald turns. Backs away. Bolts for the fire stairs.
Now alone, the worst case scenario hits Moses like a freight train.
MOSES
Aw, shit.
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I like the way you improved your scene. It was strong to begin with and you strengthened it more. I like how unique the character’s dialogue is.
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Lora’s Elevated Scene Structures
Simply mapping out my scenes and writing down what it was trying to accomplish really helped me. From there, I was able to rewrite scenes accomplishing the same goal but with a stronger structure or components. I didn’t include my whole scenes in here but I worked them.
Scene 1:
The scene introduces Steven and his daughter Lisette, the protagonist. It also introduces the existence of magic, his occupation and lifestyle, and the frail side of Lisette.
Beginning Steven sings to the crowd
Middle Steven introduces Lisette and she has a panic attack
End Steven uses magic to escort his daughter to safety.
Scene 5:
Steven’s filling out paperwork at the station
Blond men rush the station
Steven and Lisette escape.
Rewrite to crucible
Blond men surround the station
Steven and Lisette are inside with the officers as the station is rushed
Steven and Lisette escape!
Scene 30
They arrive home
They chat
Kelly shows Lisette upstairs
Rewrite to competitive agendas – spice up dialogue
56
Lisette gets pulled to Dracania
Kismet and Lisette practice magic and she spies on her dad
Lisette goes home
Rewrote scene to make clearer sense
90
Lisette prepares herself for a difficult conversation
Right after she apologizes they’re attacked
They defeat Dwyvel’s men but Kelly and Greg decide to no longer keep her.
Changed it so the apology is stronger.
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Zenna Davis Jones elevates scene structures
What I learned was that there were many scenes where adding small amounts of tension, or playing around with the format created a much more compelling world. I also really enjoyed making sure I was clear on what each scene was suppose to do for my story off the top. This exercise took me a long while and I’m very grateful to have this list! I went through my entertainment value chart and anything 5 under I reworked. Hopefully making for a more compelling script!
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Competitive Agendas:
B: Margaret confronts Raymond on where Colette is.
M: Raymond puts her in her place.
E: Kinsley puts Raymond in her place by choosing Margaret.
Surprise:
What I want out of the scene is for people to think that Nelly fell from there and be surprised when she didn’t.
B: Colette talks to Maureen.
M: Colette gets really upset about Nelly’s death.
E: The window doesn’t open. She didn’t fall from there. Maureen just thought she needed support.
Irony:
B: Presents the picture of St. Marie Goretti
M: Inquires what her story is.
E: Poses the question, do you submit or do you fight for your life to stay in God’s light?
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Ed’s Elevated Scene Structure
What I learned from this lesson: With just a little clever thought, it’s fun and rewarding to change a scene from bland to stimulating.
Scene 16: Takes place in Norm and Ethel’s house (old folks who are quaint and ostensibly pleasant). Azuri, with her friends Lily and Roger, have been invited inside by the old folks, who know Lily and Roger but have just been introduced to Azuri. Purpose of scene: The kids are looking for information on the paranormal activities they have witnessed in their own “new” homes. The old folks yearn for the kids’ company. They are all about to learn more than they expected–or wanted. Plus the audience now knows more than the characters do–the kids don’t know that the older folks have a hidden and dangerous agenda. The old folks don’t know that Azuri’s knowledge and power–of which she herself is not fully aware–is about to turn their peaceful lives upside down. The audience is left with a new element of suspense.
BRIEF:
A few tears slip from Norman’s eyes and run down his cheeks. With an effort, he turns away.
Perhaps embarrassed, perhaps just eager to change the subject, Ethel motions the children to follow her into the living room.
<b align=”center”>ETHEL
Roger, you might want to show Azuri the photos of that train you liked.
Roger grows excited. He dashes into the living room, clearly knowing right where to go.
Norm appears to frown at Ethel and try to shake his head, but his Parkinson’s makes these movements difficult.
From a stack of framed black-and-white photographs leaning against the back of a chair, Roger retrieves two pictures
<br clear=”all”>
and carries them back to where Azuri is standing. Lily grabs the second frame while Roger holds the first one up for Azuri to see.
The photo shows an old steam locomotive pulling several passenger and freight cars up a hill. A few rickety houses scattered over hills dot the greenery-filled background.
<b align=”center”>ROGER
Very unusual locomotive, very rare. See how the wheels are arranged? An old 0442 Mallet-type. Built in Italy, Norm told me–1938. Still runs on a railway in Africa, believe it or not. Mostly pulls tourists now, though.
Azuri tries to find interest in the photo, but her eyes are drawn to the second photo, the one Lily is holding.
Seeing Azuri’s interest, Lily holds the photo up so Azuri can see it better.
She does not notice Ethel’s hands, which reach out as if to stop her.
This photo shows a weathered railway station with a train pulled by a coal-burning locomotive approaching. Several people sit on benches or stand in a waiting attitude. In the center-left of the photo, a raggedy teenage boy wearing a turban pulls a handtruck containing several large boxes and items of luggage.
<b align=”center”>NORMAN
That photo’s taken in India. Early ’40s. That’s Sahib…
Ethel’s frown deepens as she tries to get Norman’s attention.
Azuri has begun breathing hard, in the same way as when she touched the door to Lily’s silo. Her eyes bulge, her pupils race from side to side so fast they almost seem to be spinning. Her face fairly floods with sweat. She looks as if she is about to faint.
Seeing her plight, Lily grabs the only vacant chair in sight and turns it so Azuri can fall into the chair rather than into souvenirs or framed pictures.
Roger reaches out to support Azuri, but she collapses onto the chair before he can touch her.
MONTAGE — AZURI’S VISION
As before, scenes and sounds flash by.
Azuri’s eyes close. Her head falls back.
Ethel and Norman appear panicky. They look as if they, too, are about to faint–or die.
Lily and Roger quickly set the photos aside.
Roger slides an arm around Azuri’s shoulders, while Lily raises her head.
Jerking to her feet, not bothering with her walker, Ethel stomps as fast as she can into the kitchen and returns with a wet cloth that she places on Azuri’s forehead.
<b align=”center”>ETHEL
Can you breathe okay, dear? Norm’s got a inhaler somewhere.
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NORMAN
The dust. We ain’t aired this room in a generation o’ tortoises.
Ethel grabs Norman’s inhaler from a table and holds it out to Azuri.
Not really focused on it, Azuri takes the inhaler, but has no idea what to do with it.
Azuri pulls her head up at last and opens her eyes. Sweat still pours down her face, but her breathing has slowed and she appears more focused on her surroundings.
ETHEL
Maybe not the dust. Maybe a low blood sugar–hypoglycemia.
ROGER
Doubt it. Her blood sugar should be about a thousand after that chocolate seashell.
Azuri is breathing more easily.
Ethel wipes the sweat from Azuri’s face.
AZURI
I’m okay. Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m okay. Please don’t tell anybody. My mom couldn’t deal with it. She already thinks I’m…
Azuri forces herself to stand. She looks unsteady at first, but quickly rights herself. Lily and Roger prop her up.
Azuri addresses herself to Ethel and Norman.
AZURI (CONT’D)
Thank you so much. For the
candy–the information–everything. I’m sorry to be such a party pooper.
Azuri leads–or is led–to the door by Lily and Roger, Ethel stomping along behind them.
As soon as the door closes behind the kids, Ethel looks at Norm accusingly.
<b align=”center”>ETHEL
You didn’t have to tell them about Sahib.
<b align=”center”>NORMAN
Who directed them to look at those pictures?
They look at one another accusingly. They’re not just sweet old people. Something else is going on.
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Elevating scene structure. I learned to go into a scene and add what is needed to make it have more punch or move the script forward.
I knew I needed to add something to the “diner scene” with Sally, especially when Dennis enters with his family. the new addition brings Victoria and Dennis face to face when she is trying to “escape” seeing him. It heightens the tension and helps to bring the next past life scene into clearer focus. (converting to word from PDF made this weird format.)
INT. FRANKLIN EBCOTT’S BEDROOM. LONDON. ENGLAND. 1868
Franklin ushers Jean into the room, they kiss and undress
one another passionately.
VICTORIA (V.O.)
Corsets, hairpins and starched
collars were removed between
frantic kisses. I can still
remember what it felt like as his
hands slid down my legs to remove
my stockings.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MOONGLO DINER. ST. GEORGE, VT. DAY
Victoria speaks to SALLY O’CONNELL (30s), a pretty, plump-faced
“hometown girl,” Sally sits with Victoria in a
booth in an old-fashioned slightly faded diner.
VICTORIA
That’s it, Sally. I had to tell
you. I know I sound crazy, but
these past life visions are coming
on faster and faster.
SALLY
Hell, give me visions like that
and I might be okay with crazy.
But maybe you are just making it
up. (pause) You know.
VICTORIA
I think the past life lover is a
man I met recently, Dennis Manon.
He’s in the English department.
SALLY
Listen, Victoria. I’m no
therapist, but it sounds to me
like you are living in some kind
of daydream.
The waitress arrives to take their orders.
VICTORIA
Coffee. Two eggs over easy. Toast.
SALLY
Same thing but give me a cake
donut instead of toast.
The waitress leaves.
SALLY
(continued)
Okay. So, we’re alone. Tell me
more. Even if it is a daydream,
its better than any I ever had.
The waitress arrives with the coffee pot.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FRANKLIN’S BEDROOM – 1868. DAY
Jean and Franklin are in bed together making love.
Suddenly, Jean pulls away from him.
JEAN
I have to leave now, my love.
Franklin turns away from her, then he turns back.
JEAN
They are expecting me at home.
FRANKLIN
To hell with them. They don’t love
you as I do. Why should you return
to him and to his children, when
your heart is with me?
JEAN
Because I am married to him.
FRANKLIN
And yet, you are in bed with me.
Jean tears up and turns away from him.
JEAN
Do you think this is easy for me?
Do you think I am happy for one
moment in this cursed existence? I
feel imprisoned by my life.
Franklin reaches out and tugs at her.
FRANKLIN
We can run away to America.
JEAN
But, John’s children. They have
lost one mother. If I leave they
would lose two. How can I do that?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MOONGLO DINER. PRESENT DAY.
VICTORIA
I was pregnant. I knew it.
Franklin didn’t.
SALLY
You must have felt like shit.
VICTORIA
So, you do believe me. That’s more
than I can say for my therapist.
The waitress stares at them, her mouth agape.
WAITRESS
Wow.
Sally and Victoria glare up at her. The waitress hurries
away.
Victoria glances out of the window. She scrunches up in
the booth.
VICTORIA
Oh, no.
SALLY
What?
VICTORIA
He’s walking into the diner with
his wife and daughter.
SALLY
Who?
VICTORIA
Dennis.
SALLY
Where?
Sally wheels around to see Dennis ENTER with his wife and
daughter.
SALLY (CONT’D)
She looks preggers.
VICTORIA
Maybe she’s just fat.
SALLY
Don’t think so.
Dennis and his family take a booth. Dennis is facing away
from them.
VICTORIA
Well, that’s a relief. He isn’t
staring at me.
SALLY
Listen, Victoria. I have to tell
you something important. I’m
getting married.
VICTORIA
What! When?
SALLY
In the spring. I want you to be my
Maid of Honor.
VICTORIA
Of course. Listen Sally, would you
mind so very much if I left before
the food gets here. I feel kind of
ill.
Victoria puts money on the table.
SALLY
What are you doing?
VICTORIA
I don’t know. I feel nauseous all
of a sudden. Sorry.
Victoria RUSHES OUT of the diner. It has started to rain
and she lifts her hands over her head to protect herself
as rivulets of water run down the street.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. STREET IN VICTORIAN ENGLAND – 1868. DAY
Rain pours down in rivulets between the grooves of the
cobblestone street. Jean lifts her heavy skirt out of the
wet mess as she runs. In the distance she sees a carriage
pull away from a house.
JEAN
Don’t leave me! Franklin, please
don’t leave! I love you. I want to
go with you.
She runs harder, slipping on the wet cobblestones as she
tries in vain to catch the carriage. A strong hand grabs
her from behind and holds tightly to her arm. It is her
husband, John Cobb.
JOHN
You are making a fool of yourself.
JEAN
Let me go!
REWRITE OF SCENE:
INT. FRANKLIN EBCOTT’S BEDROOM. LONDON. ENGLAND. 1868
Franklin ushers Jean into the room, they kiss and undress
one another passionately.
VICTORIA (V.O.)
Corsets, hairpins and starched
collars were removed between
frantic kisses. I can still
remember what it felt like as his
hands slid down my legs to remove
my stockings.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MOONGLO DINER. ST. GEORGE, VT. DAY
Victoria speaks to SALLY O’CONNELL (30s), a pretty, plump-faced
“hometown girl,” Sally sits with Victoria in a
booth in an old-fashioned slightly faded diner.
VICTORIA
That’s it, Sally. I had to tell
you. I know I sound crazy, but
these past life visions are coming
on faster and faster.
SALLY
Hell, give me visions like that
and I might be okay with crazy.
But maybe you are just making it
up. (pause) You know.
VICTORIA
I think the past life lover is a
man I met recently, Dennis Manon.
He’s in the English department. In the past
life his name was Franklin and mine was Jean.
SALLY
Listen, Victoria. I’m no
therapist, but it sounds to me
like you are living in some kind
of daydream. How the hell could you possibly know all that?
The waitress arrives to take their orders.
VICTORIA
Coffee. Two eggs over easy. Toast.
SALLY
Same thing but give me a cake
donut instead of toast.
The waitress leaves.
SALLY
(continued)
Okay. So, we’re alone. Even if what
You say is true, why does it matter?
You can’t go back in time.
VICTORIA
It’s karma, Sally. I feel it. Something is
unfinished with Dennis, or Franklin as
he was called.
SALLY
Karma? What are you suddenly Hindu? Besides,
What you told me didn’t sound bad. It sounded
Pretty hot. So come on, tell me
more. Even if it is a daydream,
its better than any I ever had.
The waitress arrives with the coffee pot.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FRANKLIN’S BEDROOM – 1868. DAY
Jean and Franklin are in bed together making love.
Suddenly, Jean pulls away from him.
JEAN
I have to leave now, my love.
Franklin turns away from her, then he turns back.
JEAN
They are expecting me at home.
FRANKLIN
To hell with them. They don’t love
you as I do. Why should you return
to him and to his children, when
your heart is with me?
JEAN
Because I am married to him.
FRANKLIN
And yet, you are in bed with me.
Jean tears up and turns away from him.
JEAN
Do you think this is easy for me?
Do you think I am happy for one
moment in this cursed existence? I
feel imprisoned by my life.
Franklin reaches out and tugs at her.
FRANKLIN
We can run away to America.
JEAN
But, John’s children. They have
lost one mother. If I leave they
would lose two. How can I do that?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MOONGLO DINER. PRESENT DAY.
VICTORIA
I was pregnant. I knew it.
Franklin didn’t.
SALLY
You must have felt like shit.
VICTORIA
So, you do believe me. That’s more
than I can say for my therapist.
The waitress stares at them, her mouth agape.
WAITRESS
(eavesdropping)
Wow.
Sally and Victoria glare up at her. The waitress hurries
away.
Victoria glances out of the window. She scrunches up in
the booth.
VICTORIA
Oh, no.
SALLY
What?
VICTORIA
He’s walking into the diner with
his wife and daughter.
SALLY
Who?
VICTORIA
Dennis.
SALLY
Where?
Sally wheels around to see Dennis ENTER with his wife and
daughter.
SALLY (CONT’D)
She looks preggers.
VICTORIA
Maybe she’s just fat.
SALLY
Don’t think so.
Dennis and his family take a booth. Dennis faces away
from them.
VICTORIA
Well, that’s a relief. He isn’t
staring at me.
SALLY
Listen, Victoria. I have to tell
you something important. I’m
getting married.
VICTORIA
What! When?
SALLY
In the spring. I want you to be my
Maid of Honor.
VICTORIA
Of course. Listen Sally, would you
mind so very much if I left before
the food gets here. I feel kind of
ill.
Victoria puts money on the table.
SALLY
What are you doing?
VICTORIA
I don’t know. I feel nauseous all
of a sudden. Sorry.
As Victoria stands up to leave Dennis gets up
from his booth. Victoria runs toward the bathrooms to
avoid him. The bathrooms are located behind swinging doors and Victoria disappears behind
the doors.
INT. HALLWAY OF DINER BY BATHROOMS
Victoria huddles behind the doors. Suddenly
Dennis pushes the swinging door open and they are
Face-to-face.
VICTORIA (surprised)
Oh!
DENNIS
Victoria.
They pause for a moment. Dennis reaches out his hand
and gently touches her arm. Victoria glances down at his hand.
VICTORIA
I was just leaving.
DENNIS
Stay. Meet my wife and daughter. I’ll be
Out in a moment.
VICTORIA
Okay.
Dennis goes into the bathroom and Victoria pushes
The swinging door and rushes into the restaurant.
INT. MOONGLO DINER. DAY
Without looking at his wife and children, and without a pause,
Victoria runs out of the diner.
EXT. DINER. DAY
Victoria EXITS. It has started to rain
and she lifts her hands over her head to protect herself as
she runs toward her car. Rivulets of water run down the street.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. STREET IN VICTORIAN ENGLAND – 1868. DAY
Rain pours down in rivulets between the grooves of the
cobblestone street. Jean lifts her heavy skirt out of the
wet mess as she runs. In the distance she sees a carriage
pull away from a house.
JEAN
Don’t leave me! Franklin, please
don’t leave! I love you. I want to
go with you.
She runs harder, slipping on the wet cobblestones as she
tries in vain to catch the carriage. A strong hand grabs
her from behind and holds tightly to her arm. It is her
husband, John Cobb.
JOHN
You are making a fool of yourself.
JEAN
Let me go!
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Pro Rewrite Lesson 13: Deanne’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is choose your changes carefully. They need to be made with a consistent focus on the scene’s purpose and the story’s spine. Making changes just because they’re interesting or exciting creates the risk of diverting momentum into channels that don’t flow to the climax of the main conflict. Making choices based on the bare component breakdowns of various structures saves a lot of time.
1. Current version of scene #45
EXT. BEHIND STAGE – OUTSIDE TRUCK YARD – DAY
Slick’s RV parks alongside the Band Van, passenger-side out.
A roar as Slick hurtles across the field on his motorcycle, stunting all the way, then stops in a cloud of dust behind the motorcycle trailer as Mel jumps out of the RV.
Slick dismounts, points at Mel, points at the motorcycle, then pulls out his phone to take a call as he walks toward the two men on horses.
Behind him, Mel rolls the motorcycle into the motorcycle trailer.
Bits of Slick’s conversation drift into audible range.
SLICK
Trust me, I’m the only one who can fix this…
you’ll be thanking me… the greatest show this
puny town has seen… this great city won’t believe
the great, stupendous spectacle, the fireworks…
Of course there are no fireworks. A light show,
the most fantastic light show… and the biggest
crowd ever, you can’t imagine the size of this crowd…He shuts up a minute. Looks stressed.
SLICK
It’s a little city, a town, practically a village.
The press doesn’t even know we’re here. Just fans,
hundreds of secret fans who drive a long way to get here…
That isn’t finished… Tonight? I’ll tell them.Phone chat over, Slick scowls as CB and Champ ride up.
SLICK
Watch where you drive those things.
Fans don’t want to step in cow pies.
You want something?CHAMP
(mouths the words)
Cow pies?CB
Mel told us you’re hiring. We’re experienced
in security, sound systems and lighting, traffic
and crowd control…Slick eyes CB.
SLICK
You’re the roper from the other night.CB nods.
Slick looks over the horses, studies CB’s rig like something’s wrong with it, calculating.
He smiles, smooth.
SLICK
You’re hired. Security. Fans’ll love it.
I’ll have the roadie boss brief you… Ronin…
Robbie?… Rodman.He walks back to his motorhome, making another call.
CHAMP
That was easy.CB
Too easy.CB’s surprised. Suspicious. He looks at his Rig.
Alternate scene structure: mislead and reveal
Beginning: CB asks Rodman how they can apply for a job
Middle: Rodman leads CB and Champ to believe they just need to talk to him. Then Rodman tells them unusual, strange, and gruesome tasks that would be required of them. But he says it in a manner that indicates he’s leading them on as a prank.
End: When CB asks Rodman whether they have jobs or not, Rodman says “I don’t know. You’ll need to ask Slick.”
PROBLEM with this structure: I’m looking for scenes that can increase the amount of script space devoted to interactions between the protagonist and the villain. This isn’t the way.
Alternate scene structure: competitive agendas
Beginning: Slick arrives
Middle: CB’s agenda is to get a job that gives him opportunities to investigate the band. Champ’s agenda is to get a chance to drive the big trucks, which is the wrong job for CB’s agenda.
End: they get hired as band security
PROBLEM with this structure: the scene focuses on friendship between CB and Champ, not CB’s conflict with Slick
Alternate scene structure: surprise
Beginning: Slick arrives and CB asks for a job
Middle: Slick makes it clear he doesn’t like CB or Champ, predicts they are fools who would only disappoint him, makes CB and Champ believe there are no jobs for them.
End: Slick hires them both. Evidently, he likes fools.Scene Rewritten with Surprise Structure =
EXT. BEHIND STAGE – OUTSIDE TRUCK YARD – DAYSlick’s RV parks alongside the Band Van, right-side out. Mel jumps out the passenger door.
A roar as Slick hurtles across the field on his motorcycle, stunting all the way, to stop in a cloud of dust behind the motorcycle trailer hitched to his RV.
Slick dismounts, points at Mel, points at the motorcycle, then pulls out his phone to take a call while Mel rolls the motorcycle away, up into the trailer.
As CB and Champ ride their horses toward Slick, bits of conversation drift into audible range.
SLICK
Trust me, I’m the only one who can fix this…
you’ll thank me… the greatest show this puny
town has seen… this great city won’t believe
the stupendous spectacle, the fireworks…
Of course there are no fireworks. A light show,
the most fantastic light show… and the biggest
crowd ever, you can’t imagine the size of this crowd…He shuts up a minute. Looks stressed.
SLICK
It’s a little city, a town, practically a village.
The press doesn’t know we’re here. Just fans,
hundreds of secret fans who drive a long way
to get here… Tonight? I’ll tell them.Phone chat over, Slick scowls as CB and Champ ride up.
SLICK
Watch where you drive those things.
Fans don’t want to step in cow pies.
You want something?
(eyeing CB)
You’re the roper from the other night.CB nods.
CHAMP
(mouths the words)
Cow pies?CB
Mel told us you’re hiring. We have
experience in security, sound systems,
lighting, traffic and crowd control —SLICK
Only fools believe everything they’re told.
Are you a fool?CB
Maybe. But why would I be a fool to believe Mel?Slick cracks a wide grin but doesn’t answer. After an uncomfortable pause…
CB
That’s a pretty big stage. Seems like your crew
could use some extra hands to break it down.Slick grins again. He lets his gaze slide across the horses with derision, studies CB’s rig parked across the field like he sees something wrong with it.
SLICK
I’ve hired a lot of fools over the years.
They always find a way to disappoint me.
Drummers that can’t keep a beat.
Sound men who think they’re musicians.
Musicians who want to leave the band to go solo.
You two look like fools to me.Champ and CB look at each other: all those miles for nothing.
Then Slick smiles, smooth.
SLICK
You’re hired. Security. Fans’ll love it.
Roswell can brief you — Ronin… Rupert?
…RODman.Slick turns on his heel, strolls to the RV, making a call.
CHAMP
(surprised)
That was easy.CB
Too easy.CB watches Slick, uneasy.
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LESSON 13 Part Two (Additional scene)
Deanne’s Alternate Scene StructuresIn my first draft of COVER BAND, I needed a teaser that stated the genre of the plot, so I wrote the following before I sent a draft of the complete plot to Barb Doyon of Extreme Screenwriting for “first look” coverage to determine if I was on the right track.
COVER BAND: First Complete Plot 02-23-23
EXT. BEHIND STAGE – NIGHT
Three flat acres of barren field, a stage dropped in the middle like a lost barge, eight feet tall and enough surface space for multiple tennis courts.
A handful of BAND ROADIES rush to plug in stacked amps and speakers, wire up drums and sound check mics with focused urgency as cars fill a distant area roped off for parking.
There are no stands for the audience, no stadium lights.
Behind the stage, parked band vehicles create a fortressed area around a ramp up to the stage.
On both sides of the ramp, a semi-truck is backed up to the stage rear skirt.
Two more are parked across the fronts of the first trucks, like turned-out feet at the ends of legs.
The BAND VAN blocks the opening between truck “heels,” its living section door facing the back of the stage.
Under the ramp, a garage-door gap in the skirt reveals only darkness…
On the ground, RODMAN (25) and RANDOM ROADIE (19) string electric cords to the ramp while the rumbling drone of a generator fills a truck. Random trips on an oversized hose that snakes under the stage.
RANDOM
This thing’s in the way.
RODMAN
Not your problem.
Random follows the hose to peer under the stage.
RANDOM ROADIE
What’s it for, anyway?
RODMAN
Stay off it! I’ve seen what happens.
But Random lingers.
RANDOM
Aren’t you curious?
Rodman hurries up the ramp, hands full of cord.
Banks of stage lights blast on. In the bright glare, a large shadow, like gaping jaws, emerges from under the stage. It moves toward Random.
His face contorts with terror.
Barb’s notes said the teaser needed work because the audience might not perceive such events at an entertainment venue to be out of the ordinary. The main thing, she advised, is that a teaser for a horror movie needs to show blood.
So I rewrote that opening scene as follows:
Cover Band Rewrite start 05-27-23EXT. VENUE FOR FIRST CONCERT – NIGHT
Silent under darkness, a five-acre field surrounds a brightly-lit stage as high as a house with enough area for three tennis courts.
Several ROADIES rush to wire up mics and amps, every move magnified by a confusion of competing shadows.
A hundred feet in front of the stage, scruffy SOUNDER listens to headphones at a dimly-lit mixing board, flicking switches.
Beyond Sounder, at the field’s edge, headlights of the first fan cars turn into a marked-off parking area.
EXT. ALONGSIDE THE STAGE – NIGHT
A happy bit of canine fluff, tail wagging, sniffs along the base of the stage, his light-colored fur a pale cloud in the shadows. At the other end of a taut leash, JILL stumbles forward to keep up, under the influence of pre-concert celebration.
JILL
Come on, Muffy. Just pick a spot and go. I shoulda left you home.
Muffy pulls Jill around the stage’s rear corner
EXT. OUTSIDE OF TRUCK YARD BEHIND STAGE – NIGHT
A refrigerated truck, backed up to stage rear, blocks the way.
Light spilling from the stage shines on a sign posted on the truck’s cargo box personnel door.
Jill is curious, but Muffy is suddenly subdued, tail still.
Jill walks forward, tugging Muffy along until she can read the cheerful sign.
SIGN: Do you have a backstage pass? Wait here!
JILL
How do you get a backstage pass? Where are the roadies?
She looks around.
An eighteen-wheeler is backed across the front of the refrigerated truck.
Jill rounds the front of the eighteen-wheeler to find two large RV’s overlapping the rear of the eighteen-wheeler, parked side-by-side in opposite directions.
This “teaser” was too long and we hadn’t gotten to the blood yet, so I kept rewriting until reaching the current version:
Current Version registered 10-24-23
EXT. STAGE SURROUNDINGS – NIGHT
Dusty darkness blankets a barren field.
A STAGE dropped in the middle like a lost barge, self-lit,
high as a house with space for eight tennis courts.
Behind it, the Truck Yard, an area outlined by four semi-trucks and two RVs parked in a formation that blocks access to the rear of the stage, yet allows band equipment to be unloaded from the trailers.
From a bird’s-eye view, the trucks give the bright stage legs and out-turned feet illuminated by light spillover. The RVs provide a too-small podium for those feet.
A ramp from stage rear descends into the Truck Yard.
Below the ramp, an opening to darkness under the stage.
There are no stands for seating, no stadium lights.
All illumination comes from fixtures on the stage.
On stage, ROADIES rush to stack amps and speakers, wire up mics, connect cords.
In the middle of the fan area, SOUNDER, the scruffy soundman (40s), at a mixing board with headphones, checking feeds.
In the distance, headlights of the first cars turn into an area roped off for parking where local-hires direct traffic with flashlights.
A smattering of fans straggle toward the stage. One, a young woman in a fringed jacket, FRINGE, walks her small DOG on a leash. Her BOYFRIEND follows along, a roll of poop bags in hand.
EXT. BEHIND STAGE – OUTSIDE TRUCK YARD – NIGHT
Bright light spills from the stage, streams between truck cabs and trailers, edging deep shadows with spaces of light.
Fringe and Boyfriend follow Dog alongside the trucks.
FRINGE
C’mon Princess. Go already.
BOYFRIEND
Yeah, poop now or forever hold your pee. We should have left her home. My car won’t be safe.
FRINGE
It will if she goes now. And I take her out at intermission.
BOYFRIEND
Music’s gonna freak her out.
FRINGE
It won’t be any louder than at your place. She’s used to it.
A sign on the side door of a reefer trailer catches Fringe’s eye. She points.
FRINGE
Look! Think we could get in?
SIGN: Backstage Pass Holders Wait Here.
Dog snuffles under the truck, but stops and growls, then scoots out to dodge behind Fringe.
BOYFRIEND
So now you’re dating the lead guitar? When were you going to break it to me?
FRINGE
See anyone we could ask?
BOYFRIEND
They’d be in there. We’ve been all the way around. There’s no way past the trucks.
FRINGE
Mom’s right. You’ll never amount to anything with that attitude.
Fringe stoops to crawl under the truck, pulling Dog along. Dog pulls back, but gets dragged under anyway.
BOYFRIEND
I don’t think that’s allowed.
FRINGE (O.S.)
Come on. We’re going to get backstage passes. Right, Princess?
Boyfriend kicks a tire, then reluctantly stoops to follow.
BOYFRIEND
You’re going to land us in real trouble someday, you know?
Boyfriend disappears under the truck.
Muffled sounds of roadies on stage. Something pings a cymbal, scraping of amps pushed into place. Quick footsteps.
The dog’s gruff growl comes from beyond the truck.
Then barking. Frantic, terrified barking…
and shrill screams.
Screams in a duet of soprano and tenor.
Screams of helpless denial and dismemberment.
EXT. ON STAGE – NIGHT
The roadies onstage pause their work, throw furtive glances toward the truck yard, then hunch over and go back to work, not looking a each other.
EXT. RODEO GROUNDS – NIGHT
Head turned, CB (50s) listens intently to the distant screams. Flickering firelight makes him look like a cowboy on the lonesome prairie.
EXT. BEHIND STAGE – OUTSIDE TRUCK YARD – NIGHT
Dog streaks out from under the trailer, dragging the leash, new dark splotches on its fur.
Running faster than short legs should allow, it vanishes into the darkness across the field.
Now I’m finding this version is causing a plot problem as the Villain’s Plan is refined. So, it’s back to rewrites.
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Elizabeth Cochrell, Elevated Scene Structure
What I learned from this is that it’s really fun making each scene a beginning middle and end! I changed one scene in the dressing room of the two strippers to a more interesting ride in a bachelor Party Van. It creates suspense for how Misha will deal with the disqualification of the match.
Thanks ScreenwritingU, I love my movie again, xo Elizabeth:)
INT. BACHELOR PARTY VAN – NIGHT
A rowdy bunch of guys surround Goldie and Misha as they cling to their poles grooving to the music.
Misha looks sad and tipsy, the guys are slapping their butts while they stuff bills in their g-strings and tops.
Goldie and Misha chat.
GOLDIE
Aww girl I’m so sorry they won’t let you fight.
MISHA
Fuck it, nothing good ever happens for me.
The familiar rage wells up and Misha jumps onto the guy’s laps, crawling, kissing, and pummeling guys with her boobs.
Goldie bends down to Misha on the couch.
GOLDIE
Wait a minute, what’s your mission again?
Goldie pats her shoulder, her eyes wide in fear. The guys are tearing her top off going for her g-string.
MISHA
Why does everything have to be so fucking hard?
Misha leaps into action, teaches Goldie some moves and they kick the young drunk horn dogs to shreds.
The dancers get off the bus laughing.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by Elizabeth Cochrell.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by
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Exercise 13 Doug’s Elevated Scene Structure:
Learned: I need to pay more attention to transition scenes to enhance/maintain audience interest. It’s easy to focus on the key scenes and ignore others when rewriting.
Context: 1970 – Paul (12) has survived being thrown into a mine shaft and left for dead. He believes actions have caused the death of his mentor Charlie (70s). He is laying low with guilt in a different town.
Prior structure:
Beginning: In a different town Paul, racked with guilt, helps his family assist his father’s entry into a medical clinic. His father requires a checkup for his mine injury.
Middle: Paul wanders to the town square/park where he encounters a group of Christian hippies and a Jesus look-alike that consoles him. The group welcomes him in a circle of acceptance, tambourines, and dance.
End: Paul sits outside the medical clinic sketching out a plan of action. His father exits the clinic and confirms that he is doing better. He reminds Paul to low profile as the villain that attacked him is unknown. His father tells him that they need to go meet someone (this would be Charlie as he survived a fire – Paul does not know this. And he does not find out in this the scene).
New structure idea:
Beginning: Depressed, Paul sits by a tree in a town park. A blue-eyed, blonde-haired Jesus look alike (he matches a velvet Jesus picture Paul saw prior) approaches Paul and they chat. We don’t hear the conversation. Hearing tambourines they get up and move to a circle of Jesus hippies nearby. The free-spirited hippie girls in the group pull Paul into the dance. He resists at first – but gets caught up in the fun.
Middle: Paul’s father exits the clinic. They walk. Paul’s father cautions Paul to keep a low profile as the villain that attacked him is unknown. As they enter a café, Pauls’ father says that he wants Paul to meet someone. Paul complains, saying that he has repeatedly told everyone what happened. They enter. Charlie, back to them at a both – turns and greets them. Paul is shocked and overjoyed.
End: Later
and unseen by his family, Paul sketches out a plan to trick the villains into
revealing themselves for the finally -
Day 13:
James’ Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is… by applying different structures to a scene allows me to flesh out the characters and their function within the story. There were character dynamics that I didn’t know existed until I put the chosen scene through varying lenses. Given this is a romantic comedy, the twist scene structure offered another chance to infuse more humor, but a rewrite of the scene is still needed.
I chose the Twist Scene Structure because it seemed to serve the tone and vision of the story more than the others. The other structures would work on their own, but would change the consistency I’m trying to maintain.
Scene 14: Freddie is introduced as Rufus’ sounding board.
Scene 14: 1) Establish Freddie as a close confidant. 2) Rufus and Freddie indulge in drinks and discuss their dating lives or lack thereof.
Twist Scene Structure:
· Beginning: Freddie informs Rufus about a woman he wants to introduce him to.
· Middle: Rufus surprises Freddie by telling him he found someone.
· Ending: Both Rufus and Freddie express doubts about Jessica as a lover.
Competitive Agendas Scene Structure:
· Beginning: Rufus competes with Freddie over who can get a higher quality woman.
· Middle: Rufus informs Freddie about Jessica and her immediate brilliance.
· Ending: Rufus wins this round in their competition as Jessica sounds too outstanding for Freddie to beat.
Investigation/Hiding Scene Structure:
· Beginning: Freddie is suspicious about Rufus’ chipper demeanor.
· Middle: Freddie probes Rufus as to why he’s suddenly joyful.
· Ending: Rufus informs Freddie about his encounter with Jessica.
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