Lesson 13

[Michael Jones]

Mike’s Max Interest 2

I started this off with a couple more kids with some playful banter who turn away from going into this part of the forest while the other doesn’t. I then chose to open it differently and be more visual with it, to set the scene and the tone of the story ahead.

Logline of the Scene: A young Sam goes into a spooky patch of forest during a game of hide-n’-seek and his fun turns frightening.

Essence of the Scene: Introduce Sam and what terrified him as a kid.

Interest Techniques

From Part Two:

1. Hook: Introducing ‘The Whispering Thicket’ and the strangeness of the noises and the place.

Something Unseen: Sam sees something terrifying, we only see his face in reaction to it.

2. Mystery: What is this place? What is the Stone Ruin?

3. Creating a Future: This event leads to the main story of this script where Sam returns twelve years after these events to confront his fear of the forest and what he saw here.

4. Cliffhanger: What happens to Sam? What does he see?

From Part One:

5. Suspense: The sound of a baby crying while Sam is alone in the Stone Ruin. The sound of something moving in the forest.

6. Major twist: Something more terrifying than a Person in an ape-like mask.

7.Put in a More Interesting Setting: Yeah, I know it’s the woods—but this is marked with a sign, “The Whispering Thicket,” and given a warning to “Keep Out!” The thicket ends like a moat to a castle. Forest is navigable once through it.

8. Surprise: Set-up includes the noises of movement and the sound of a baby crying. The Surprise seems to be a Person in a gorilla mask but something has Sam even more spooked.

Scene:

EXT. MOUNTAIN FOREST – DAY

Light of the summer sun stretches through the trees as eight-year-old SAM RATHCLIFFE runs.

YOUNG MADDY (O.S.)

Seven…eight…nine…ten. Ready or not, here I come!

He looks back and smiles still huffing along.

PARENTAL VOICE (O.S.)

Don’t wander off. Stay close.

ANOTHER PARENTAL VOICE (O.S.)

Sam? Sam? That goes especially for you!

Sam runs on. He follows a trail across an open meadow. He hears some LAUGHTER as other kids get ‘caught’ but nothing distinct.

On the other side of the meadow, Sam sees a rough-shod wooden sign sloppily nailed to a tree with scrawled writing, that says: ‘The Whispering Thicket.’

Dense forest with almost impenetrable brush before him. Sam hears a loud SNAP of a branch within. He sees another sign: ‘KEEP OUT.’

Sam sees a rough-hewn trail cutting through the thicket.

VOICES (O.S.)

Sam? Sam? Not funny, Sam.

Sam chuckles and follows the trail through the thicket.

EXT. THE WHISPERING THICKET

Sam emerges from the trail into a more open forest. Lots of plant growth but it’s easy to get around.

He sees a large mound not too far off. He goes to inspect.

STONE RUIN

Sam examines an old stone ruin, perhaps of a house but some of the roof is missing and the forest has been successfully reclaiming the rest of it.

He goes inside.

INT. STONE RUIN

As soon as he enters the first room, twigs snap. Something approaches. He huddles against one of the corners of the room.

Silence. No noise. No sound from anything.

Then, an EERIE CRY of a crying baby startles him.

EXT. STONE RUIN/THE WHISPERING THICKET

Sam bolts, sprinting while looking around for any sign of what made that sound.

A PERSON wearing an ape-like mask stares at him then steps behind a tree and out of sight.

He breathes hard and SHOUTS nothing intelligible as he scrambles to the trail.

He takes one final look at the edge of the trail. It can’t be. He blinks. He blinks again.

We don’t see what he sees but we hear it—an aggressive sounding GRUNT. Sam goes pale and SCREAMS as he dashes into the trail and all goes dark.

[Christi Falk]

Love this! Very Harry and the Hendersons crossed with ET. It’s about time we had a decent monster movie!

[Christi Falk]

Christi Falk’s Max interest

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is identifying the skills I already have and incorporating the ones I’ve missed.

Scene in Anne’s cabin- Pg 16

Logline- Anne is finally settling to bed when the Man in the Brown Suit bursts into her room, begging for help.

Essence- This scene is the promise of the premise. She longs for adventure but so far has just gotten sick. Finally adjusting to the sea, she meets the man from the bus station but instead of running away, he asks desperately for her help. She has a split second decision to hide him or report him.

Interest techniques: Here’s the thing, I’ve used all of them and the scene still feels clunky. They were already in the scene before I took this course so yeay for instincts!

Hook- how often does a gorgeous stranger with a stab wound beg for your help?

Dilemma- she has to protect him or report him. Either way she doesn’t know enough about him to make an informed decision.

Predictions- You want the diamonds? She didn’t even know anything about diamonds but in the end she wound up with them.

Something Unseen- When Minks, disguised as the stewardess approaches, Anne has hidden Harry in her room.

Mystery- She doesn’t know who stabbed Harry or why, doesn’t even know if she wants to know but by the end of the scene she’s invested in him.

Creating a future- This is the meet cute, all be it unconventional. We feel the subtext of tension between the two, the palpable attraction when he thrusts her at the wall.

Anticipatory Dialogue- Various mentions of the diamonds, his warrant etc. All this will be revealed to not be the way he believed them to be. She even proves his innocence.

Cliffhangers- He leaves with the mother of all lines- I didn’t kill her. Who? We don’t even know there’s been a murder at this point.

Uncomfortable moment – He’s in control again after collapsing and demands answers. Only to realize he picked up the wrong shirt to wear.

The only thing I can think to do to make the scene less clunky is to cut away to something else while he’s sleeping. Also, maybe I should actually cut away into the bathroom? Just figured she’s literally in there for a few seconds and comes back out, it would be unnecessary to waste upto 5 days of shooting for something that would probably be cut for time anyways.

INT. ANNE’S CABIN – EVENING

Anne wakes in her room, pushes her sheets off and rises to the bathroom in the dark. When she emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later, her door bursts open and the man in the brown suit appears, out of breath and bleeding. His shirt is open and he grips a key.

MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT

Please help-

The door slams shut. He staggers, falls onto her bed.

A KNOCK at the door.

She quickly bends to pick up the body pillow on her floor and drops it over him, washcloth still in hand.

ANNE

Yes?

A STEWARDESS, 40s, matronly, opens the door to Anne with the only light from the bathroom. The rest of the room is clearly visible but the body on the bed is well hidden.

MINKS/STEWARDESS

My apologies, Miss, we’ve had reports of a drunken man on this deck.

ANNE

Oh no! Thank you, I’ll bolt my door.

Anne has a restraining hand on the door to prevent the stewardess from coming into the room.

MINKS/STEWARDESS

I must say, you’re looking better Miss.

ANNE

Thank you, I appreciate you checking on me. Good night.

MINKS/STEWARDESS

Good night.

Anne closes the door and locks it.

She flicks on the lights and pulls back the pillow to see the man in the brown suit, unconscious and bleeding from his shoulder. His shirt is crumpled beside him and a stab wound is visible on his shoulder. She leans in and smells him.

ANNE

Well, you’re not drunk!

She feels for a pulse, then disappears into the bathroom and returns with a first aid kit. Confidently, she begins to clean then stitch the wound.

ANNE

It’s okay. I don’t have anyone either.

Once she finishes, she places a bandage on his back then sits uncomfortably in the chair and drifts off to sleep.

A few hours later, he stirs and Anne wakes.

ANNE

Hello.

He jolts up but then winces at his shoulder.

MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT

What did you do?

He grabs a shirt and puts one arm through a sleeve, throws it over the other shoulder.

ANNE

You’re welcome.

MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT

Thank you.

ANNE

My name is Anne. Anne Beddingfeld. What’s your name?

He’s sullenly silent while he opens the door a crack and peeks out.

ANNE

Okay, I’ll call you John.

He turns back to her in alarm.

ANNE

Oh, that is your name. Okay, what would you like me to call you?

MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT

Nothing! Forget you ever saw me.

ANNE

Here, or at the subway station too?

He closes the door, then lunges towards her and pins her to the wall.

MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT

Is that your game? You want the diamonds first? The bounty on me as well?

Her voice catches with the shock of his sudden movement.

ANNE

You- You’re wearing my blouse.

He looks down to see buttons on the wrong side. He stares at her a beat, then laughs and releases her.

HARRY

Call me Harry.

He shrugs off her shirt and picks up his wrinkled one.

ANNE

Okay.

He’s back to the door and looks out the peephole before he turns to her again.

HARRY

I didn’t kill her.

ANNE

Who?

HARRY

Forget you saw me.

He returns to the door, looks out and disappears into the hallway.

[Michael Jones]

In the opening action description, instead of her coming out of the bathroom a few minutes later, you can have her hear a thud on the door or something and have her shoot back out immediately as the door bursts open, or just have the door burst open and she rushes out of the bathroom to see.

“A few hours later, he stirs and Anne wakes,” can be cut and just put a the scene header “LATER” to indicate the pass of time. Trottier’s “Screenwriter’s Bible” or Riley’s “Hollywood Standard” are great resources for formatting, which really just helps tighten the flow of the scene.

“He stares at her a beat,” can excise ‘a beat’ or ‘he examines her, looks her over, etc.’

It’s a tight scene that can leave the audience wanting to know who the ‘man in the brown suit’ is, what Anne has to do with it, and to what significance this meeting between the two portends.

Great work.

[Christi Falk]

Thank you! I’ll keep plunking away. The key must be in formatting.

I’m also a lunatic that took 2 courses at once while working full time- I took the 13 day course about how to market your screenplay that starts today. I figured it didn’t mean anything to get my scripts awesome when I have no idea how to market or pitch. Hey, I got scripts, you buyin? doesn’t seem a best pitch. LOL!

[Michael Jones]

I hear you. I did the Horror, I’m in the BingeWorthy, and this, plus working, plus family, so all the best to you.

[Danielle Dillard]

Danielle Max Interest 2

What I learned improving my writing is trying to apply these techniques to every scene I write.

Select the scene from your script that needs help and give us a logline for that scene.

While Dennis is out with his friends, Tina puts his belongings out of her apartment and on to the street to let him know it’s over between them.

Tell us the essence of the scene. Tina is breaking up with Dennis so she can move on with another man she met online.

Tell us at least two (more if you can) interest techniques for the rewrite.

Hook: Tina’s son is excited about going to the fair with Dennis but sees Tina packing his belongings at the time they’re supposed to go to the fair.

Something Unseen: We never see Dennis, but we hear his reaction to the breakup as he shouts from outside the door.

LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Tina stands at the door watching Dennis through the peek-hole.

TINA

Get out of here, Dennis!

COREY

Dennis!

DENNIS

Corey, open the door, little man! I came to take you to the fair!

Corey is about to open the door when Tina gets in his way.

TINA

Go to your room, Corey.

COREY

But –

TINA

Now!

Corey backs away. Lacey stands at his side.

TINA

It’s over, Dennis, just go!

DENNIS

Come on, let’s talk!

TINA

What’s to talk about? You got drunk, you left, you didn’t come home! It’s the fourth night this week!

DENNIS

I was with Rick and Tony, you know that!

TINA

Then why didn’t you answer your phone when I called?!

Dennis KICKS the door.

DENNIS

OPEN THE DOOR! GOT MY STUFF ALL OUT HERE ON THE STREET! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!

TINA

I’m calling the cops!

DENNIS

Call them then!

Tina signals her kids to be quiet.

TINA

Yeah, 911?! Get an officer here now! My ex is harassing me and my kids! Fifty-six Marty Street, number three! I think he’s got a gun!

Tina silently laughs. Dennis KICKS the door again. Lacey and Corey get a little scared. Silence. Seconds later a car SKIDS off in the bg. Tina looks through the peek-hole.

TINA

He’s gone.

LACEY

Finally.

TINA

You wanted to know what he did, now you know. He drinks too much.

LACEY

Is that why he was always sleeping on the couch?

TINA

Yeah.

Tina notices Corey’s sad face.

TINA

Cheer up, Cor, want some ice cream?

Corey nods. Tina heads to the kitchen and her tablet CHIRPS. She goes to it and sees a message sent from a man on the dating website. She smiles.

LACEY

(disgusted)

Who’s that?

Tina ignores her and begins chatting on-line.

LACEY

Who are you talking to?

TINA

Pay my bills then ask me who I’m talking to, Lacey. In case you forgot I’m the grown-up around here. Now get your brother some ice cream.

Lacey rolls her eyes, opens the freezer and grabs the ice cream. Tina resumes chatting online.

End Scene.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…
I am really enjoying myself while improving my writing.

Logline: The plumbing backfires in Muscalo’s face causing him to vow to kill the plumber who put in the faucet and he wants to know who he is. Cotello is trying to hide the identity of the real plumber.

Essence: Muscalo kills anyone who screws with him. He’s an idiot, but very determined and vengeful. Cotello has a dilemma – it’s his cousin’s life or his if he is found out.

Interest Techniques for Rewrite:
Hook, Prediction, Dilemma for Boldo’s cousin, Something unseen (Boldo not introduced yet?), Mystery (what happened, who did it, how it happened), Creating a future, Anticipatory Dialogue, Cliffhanger, Uncomfortable moment (for Boldo’s cousin).

SCENE: MCSRM

INT. MAZZARELLA CAMORRA CRIME FAMILY HEADQUARTERS MORNING

MEETING ROOM

COTELLO is pacing the enormous room shaking his hands off to his sides like a bird throwing something off himself. STIZZA and PISTO are lounging at a back table smoking cigars, drinking limoncello and playing Poker.

MUSCALO MAZZARELLA (THE BIG GUY) ENTERS in good cheer

MUSCALO
(Holding his arms up over his head)
Youze guys! Whatta great day! The sun is a shining, the birds they are a singing, my Conchita loves me , my bombinos kissa my hands, and looka dis place.
(Lowers arms)
The other families will be-a so
(Takes his two index fingers and swizzles them up to his head and makes horns)
irritated!

MUSCALO does a little twirl and plops down with STIZZA and PISTO. COTELLO fiddles with some supplies in a cabinet.

MUSCALO
We need to set a families meeting up here right away!
(Squinting and sneering at Stizza and Pisto)
Hey whatta youse guys doing? What a layout! How about you getta to work. I know there are some legs to break!

STIZZA AND PISTO
(In unison)
Yes Boss!

STIZZA and PISTO rise and begin to walk toward the door.

MUSCALO
(Pointing at them)
On second-a thought getta a quote for a metal door, and tutto we’d better fortify the windows, reinforce the outside of da building too. Oh yeah,
(Laughing heartily)
and we need-a a secret tunnel outta here!
MUSCALO puts one of his signature toothpicks in his mouth and begins to chew heartily.

STIZZA AND PISTO
(In unison)
Yes Boss!

They head toward the door, but before they can get there…

MUSCALO rises and walks over to the new sink. He turns on the faucet and it explodes in his face. He is soaked and the water just keeps coming.

The toothpick gets caught in his mouth, holding it open like a tent pole.

MUSCALO tries to remove it but the water is filling his mouth and preventing this.
Near to him, STIZZA and PISTO run over, pull him out of the water stream and remove the toothpick.

MUSCALO
(Shivering, holding tight to Stizza and Pisto)
Boys getta me home. I need-a to change into-a my kill suit.

MUSCALO points to Cotello like an arrow hitting a target.

MUSCALO
Finda out which a da plumber did-a this. That pile a tips on da safe. It should be the one on da top. I’m-a gonna exterminate…

MUSCALO squashes an imaginary bug on the floor, but slips on and into a large puddle of water.
STIZZA and PISTO wrench MUSCALO up from under his armpits as he continues slipping in the puddle.

MUSCALO
(Furious)
I’m a gonna kill-a him and-DA whoever advise me-a him!

MUSCALO brushes himself off and water goes flying in every direction.

MUSCALO
And-a Cotello… clean-a-uppa this-a mess!

EXIT MUSCALO, STIZZA, AND PISTO

COTELLO listens until he hears the outer door slam shut.

The sound of a Gear creaking, and the water stops flowing.

COTELLO rushes over to the safe and reads the top slip of paper, and then shoves it near the bottom of the pile.

COTELLO moves to the mop stops short, rushes back to the pile of plumber advisos, pulls out Boldo’s and sets it on fire. It burns his hand and he throws it into the air like the paper from an Amaretti cookie. It goes up in flames and then pops out in a puff of smoke, a few black ashes fall into the ashtray with the messy cigars.

FADE TO BLACK.