Lesson 13

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…. Scenes can become a lot more interesting when multiple interest techniques are added.
Logline: Chelsea asks Kyle if he can braid her hair.
Essence: Kyle realizes that he needs to learn how to braid Chelsea’s hair.
Interest techniques for the rewrite: Hook, Predictions, Creating a Future, Anticipatory dialogue
Rewrite:
INT. WALKER KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
Kyle opens the refrigerator door and rummages. He takes out some eggs and cheese. The audio of the TV can be heard from the kitchen. Chelsea walks into the kitchen.

CHELSEA
Daddy, can you braid my hair today?

Kyle starts to crack some eggs.

KYLE
Can I do what?

CHELSEA
Braid my hair.

Kyle furrows his brow.

KYLE
I don't even know how to braid hair.

He scrambles the eggs. Chelsea jerks her head some.

CHELSEA
You never watched Mommy do it?

KYLE
(annoyed)
Yes, I've seen Mommy braid your hair, but I wasn't exactly watching to learn.

Chelsea sits down at the kitchen table and stares at Kyle.

CHELSEA
Well, can you learn now?

Kyle turns on the stove burner and pours the eggs in.

KYLE
I suppose so.

Kyle looks at Chelsea.

KYLE
Perhaps Auntie Terri can teach me.

Chelsea lights up.

CHELSEA
Can Auntie Terri come over and teach you today?

KYLE
Today? I don't know. I will have to call her.

CHELSEA
Okay. Let her know my hair also needs a wash day soon.

Chelsea gets up from the table and bounds out of the room. Kyle shakes his head and smiles as he continues to stir the eggs.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is there are 9 additional interest techniques that can elevate the quality of my scenes. The more techniques I use, the more compelling my scenes will be.

Interest Techniques I used:
I used all 9. Let’s see how it goes…

Logline: The reading of the last will and testament of Pastor Vance Hollister.

Essence: Last Words Ignored.

INT. VANCE'S STUDY – DAY
The furniture is big, heavy and as old as the rectory. An ATTORNEY, 70 and worn out, sits at the desk while Gabe, Mama Lee, and Aaron sit in scattered, furnished chairs.

Tunney sits close to the desk near Vance's Ceramic Urn.

The Attorney produces a Bible.

AARON
Oh, no. I thought we were here for Vance's will.

ATTORNEY
This is his will.

Aaron gets up.

AARON
Call me when you get to Revelation.

ATTORNEY
He wrote it on the inside cover and gave it to me.

MAMA LEE
It was next to his bed before he…

Aaron sits.

AARON
Well, in that case.

MAMA LEE
Go ahead.

ATTORNEY
(reading)
I'm Vance Hollister. This is my last will. I'm pretty sound. I'm writing, aren't I. Here's my will. One. Money goes to my mom.

Mama Lee scowls. The others look at her, uncomfortable.

MAMA LEE
Wasn't much left. Anyway, I already emptied the account.

ATTORNEY
Two. Tunney to care for Lee.

Tunney is shocked. The door opens: Ella slips in, unnoticed.

AARON
Oh, sure, let's give the most irresponsible person in the room to care for Mama Lee's estate.

MAMA LEE
Not much of an estate. I've got to move out of here, anyways.

AARON
I'll help.

Ella stands in a corner, directly behind Gabe's chair.

ATTORNEY
Three. Give letter to Gabe Shore.

Attorney hands Gabe a sealed envelope marked "For Gabe Shore's Eyes Only." THUNDER CRACKS. Tunney is unnerved.

All eyes on Gabe as a heavy storm downpours.

Insert Letter: "Do you remember that cursed typewriter? I hid it to protect everyone. Don't go looking for it. Keep it hidden."

Ella can see and read the letter. Aaron notices her.

AARON
Ella!

Ella shrieks.

AARON
What are you doing?

ELLA
Why would Vance care about an old typewriter?

MAMA LEE
Oh my god, the typewriter, again?!

TUNNEY
What do you know about it?

GABE
I don't.

AARON
What's it say?

Gabe hands the letter to Aaron. He peruses it.

AARON
(reading)
Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.

Aaron hands the letter back to Gabe. They all stare at Ella.

ELLA
Fine.

She exits.

ATTORNEY
Next he wrote: Lisa, question mark.

Mama Lee glowers. Aaron and Tunney look embarrassed. Gabe is immersed in the letter.

MAMA LEE
You done?

ATTORNEY
Finally (reading) Aaron, don't cause trouble. Do as I say or…

AARON
That's it?

ATTORNEY
That's it.

THUNDER CRACKS. Lights out as Tunney Jumps.

There's a TOPPLING.

Phone lights illuminate the room. Vance's Ashes have scattered over the desk and the Bible.

Mama Lee shrieks. Everyone's horrified.

ATTORNEY
Now the trashing of Vance's last wishes is complete.

[Christopher Fallon]

Chris writes scene for Lesson 13: Maximum Interest II
LOGLINE: Edna needs to borrow Kieron’s car so she can find her son.
ESSENCE: Save her son’s life.
Interest techniques used: Hook, Dilemma, Predictions, Uncomfortable moment, Creating a future, Anticipatory dialogue.
WHAT I’VE LEARNED THAT IS IMPROVING MY WRITING: is that interest techniques such as creating a dilemma – even a small dilemma – for a character can increase the tension in a scene.

INT. TV SHOWROOM – DAY

Edna rushes in and makes her way towards KIERON, a forty year old store salesman who’s just finishing up with a customer. He looks surprised then anxious to see Edna.

KIERON (whispering): What the hell are you doing here?

EDNA: Terry’s in trouble.

KIERON: So what else is new?

EDNA: No — he’s in serious trouble.

KIERON: Look — you can’t be here. Sally’s going to be here any minute.

EDNA: I’m not stopping. I need your car.

KIERON: What?

EDNA: I need to borrow your car. I need to find Terry.

Kieron sees a customer staring at them. He leads Edna into the back storeroom, away from prying eyes.

EDNA: Kieron, please, I’m freaking out.

KIERON: What’s going on?

EDNA: I’ve just seen Martin Connel. The big man’s had enough. They want Terry on a boat — tonight. And he’s done a runner.

KIERON: Jesus.

EDNA: So I’ve got to find him before they do.

KIERON: Have you checked the club?

EDNA: He’s not going to be at the club is he? That’s the last fricking place he’s going to be.
Please Kieron, I need your car.

Kieron takes the keys from his pocket.

KIERON: When can you get it back?

EDNA: I don’t know. I honestly don’t.

Kieron considers this for a couple of seconds, then nods and hands her the keys anyway.

EDNA: What’s Sally going to say when she sees it’s missing?

KIERON: I don’t know. I’ll have to tell her it’s been nicked or something.

He gives her a sad smile, and she leans forward to give him a brief kiss.

KIERON: Make sure you find him.

EDNA: Yeah.

He opens the back fire door to the store’s car park.

KIERON: Take a right and go through the alley, otherwise Sally will see you if she’s coming in.

[Yvonne Arnett]

Yvonne – Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that applying these nine new interest
techniques requires a lot of thought when working on changing an existing script. But it
will be worth the effort. I think I will need to work on many scenes to get it where it
becomes second nature to me.
ESSENCE: Rick realizes it’s his client that needs to be investigated.
LOGLINE: Private Investigator Rick gives a client, Mr. North, information to close a case
but instead it opens up more questions.
Rick is seated behind his desk with an open file spread across the top. Mr. North is
seated across from him. His expression is unreadable.
NORTH
Have you located him? My clients are very anxious to find Alan Tanner.
RICK
I'm afraid it's not good news, Mr. North. He died in a garage fire years ago.
NORTH
Are you sure?
RICK
I have the official report here.
He pushes a file across the desk to North.
North picks it up and scans through it rapidly. He drops it back on the desk and pushes
it back to Rick.
NORTH
This has to be a mistake.
RICK
No. Sorry, I wasn't able to trace Alan any further than the fire.
NORTH
I’m sure he’s alive. Maybe he’s using an alias?
RICK (impatient)
As far as I'm concerned, he died in the fire.
NORTH
(angry)
Try putting more effort into it. My law firm is paying you well enough.
RICK (pissed)
I’m done. If you want to pursue it further, then I suggest you use another agency.
NORTH (teeth clinched)
I’ll find him if it’s the last thing I do.
He stands up abruptly, knocking his chair over before striding out of the office, slamming
the office door behind him.
Puzzled, Rick turns to his computer and types in some information.
COMPUTER SCREEN: There is no Patterson and Rhodes law firm or a Richard North.
His address and phone number do not exist.

• This reply was modified 10 months ago by  Yvonne Arnett.

[Firdaus Bilimoria]

Firdaus F Bilimoria – Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is the potential of using more extreme character actions and traits to heighten the drama and conflict in the scene and the story arc.

Current Scene Logline:
Rafael and Marianna run into two escorts who previously worked with Marianna in a brothel before she was rescued by the police.

Essence:
Marianna is shocked to the core when she meets two escorts from her previous life as a victim of a sex-ring, when is with her new love Rafael, and just beginning to believe in a happy future with man she loves and who loves her back. This meeting not only resurfaces all the old trauma but has the potential of destroying her new-found happiness.

Interest techniques for the rewrite
– Hook – surprise encounter of Marianna with people from her past life as a sex ring victim
– Dilemna – Marianna cannot tell Yvette to stop bothering her, nor can she reveal to Rafael her situation and need for his help
– Uncomfortable moment with potential for danger for Marianna whose past is in danger of being revealed as well as her previous tormentor returning to her life
– Something unseen or unknown – Marianna and Yvette’s past life in a brothel and their tormentor Koz, are unknown to Rafael
– Anticipatory dialogue – Yvette warns Marianna of their Koz who Marianna had helped put in jail, coming after Marianna

SCENE
EXT. YORKVILLE, DAY Rafael and Marianna walk holding hands. They look happy. They run into a couple of women. They are Yvette and Bianca from Charles’ party. They recognize Rafael and smile naughtily at him.
BIANCA Hi!
YVETTE Hi!
Rafael looks at them blankly, then recognizes them. He is embarrassed.
RAFAEL Oh hi.
At the same time Yvette and Marianna stare at each other in recognition. They are both surprised. Marianna hides her shock.
YVETTE Hello… Alice!
Yvette takes in the intimacy between Rafael and Marianna. Bianca senses Yvette’s change in demeanor and watches Marianna carefully. Marianna shakes her head imperceptibly.
YVETTE Alice, I haven’t seen you since that time in New York…
Marianna is like a deer caught in the headlights.
BIANCA You were together in New York? Rafael is confused.
YVETTE Yes, she is why Koz was in jail…
BIANCA Oh…
INT. FLASHBACK, BROTHEL, NIGHT Marianna and Yvette among the girls dressed in lingerie standing in line in the brothel. Koz slowly walks by them, inspecting them. They are afraid of him. He stops by Marianna. His expression softens, almost in genuine fondness. He touches her cheek lightly. He continue walking. Marianna’s expression is one of hopelessness.
EXT. YORKVILLE, DAY Marianna turns ashen and looks away then at Yvette pleadingly.
YVETTE (resentful) So you are going well, Alice. Maybe better than some of us.
MARIANNA
(almost whispers) My name is not Alice.
Rafael does not pick up on the interaction between Marianna and Yvette, he is feeling awkward himself.
RAFAEL Nice to see you again. But this is not Alice.
Yvette laughs with real mirth.
YVETTE She’s fooled you. Right Alice? (to Rafael, laughing) She’s naughty, just like you like them.
RAFAEL (confused, but now a little peeved) Ladies, it was really nice meeting you.
YVETTE Yes it was!
RAFAEL Take care now.
Rafael takes Marianna’s hand and starts walking her away from the two.
YVETTE (calls after them) Yes you two take care. (beat) Oh Alice, Koz is in in town here. Maybe you two get together and catch up on old times…
Rafael walks away hurriedly pulling Marianna with him. Marianna looks back for a moment. Her face is ashen. Yvette stares after her with a vengeful expression. Rafael and Marianna walk in silence.
RAFAEL Sorry, met them at a party, not exactly people I care for. But what was that about Alice?
Marianna barely registers. She shakes her head blankly. Rafael stares at Marianna, noticing her change in demeanor. He starts to ask her about this but decides against. They continue walking. Rafael puts his arm around Marianna.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by  Firdaus Bilimoria.