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Lesson 14
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14 Replies
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David Wickenden Memorable Line
What I learned from doing this assignment?
The biggest issue was picking the line to choose. I like the list that Hal gave. It was a good guide to find the right place.
The Last Scene
GOD
The future is yours to discover. You might not need the fighting skills, but it may require you to lead, to stand together and take the right path rather than the easier one, and you’ll need the confidence in yourselves to succeed. Your adventure is not over. It is just beginning.
With that, the light fads returning the mining camp into focus.
GOD
(from far off)
I’ll be watching.
The four stand blinking at each other.
IAN
Just beginning? What the heck does He have in store for us?
In the story, Ian was killed. He was brought back through the power of the Staff of Moses after they completed the prophesy of bringing peace to the heavens. I want Ian’s comment to hit harder, especially because he had to die.
GOD
The future is yours to discover. You might not need the fighting skills, but it may require you to lead, to stand together and take the right path rather than the easier one, and you’ll need the confidence in yourselves to succeed. Your adventure is not over. It is just beginning.
With that, the light fads returning the mining camp into focus.
GOD
(from far off)
I’ll be watching.
The four stand blinking at each other.
IAN
Just beginning? I just got a new lease on life. Someone else can pay the ferryman.
Original
EXT. HEAVEN – DAY
Like a familiar cartoon, they watch as a multitude wearing Asian conical hats gather around huge ponds and waterfalls feeding multicolored Koi. Temples and ancient forts are scattered across the land. Fierce Samurai stand, their swords at the ready.
The Islands of the Japans disappear to be replaced by an island surrounded by Viking ships. A long table bursting with a feast is surrounded by Viking warriors gorging themselves while striking out at their neighbors.
The next land mass shows the burnt ruins of an Islamic Mosque, with its dome partially caved in. Saracens work along-side Tempers and modern-day suicide bombers, their chests covered in explosives to shore up the defenses.
Next, a massive golden Buddha rises above the vista. The only blemish is the soot-colored cheeks that come from the burnt ruins at its feet. Monks in yellow and crimson chant together in acceptance of the inevitable.
They pass a perfect replica of both Stonehenge and the Acropolis guarded by English archers and Spartans. A squad of Greeks hammer their short swords against their shields in salute at their passing.
ROB
(awe)
Is this real?
This is a mind-blowing scene that would spook anyone. I want to enforce this, but at the same time have some fun.
EXT. HEAVEN – DAY
Like a familiar cartoon, they watch as a multitude wearing Asian conical hats gather around huge ponds and waterfalls feeding multicolored Koi. Temples and ancient forts are scattered across the land. Fierce Samurai stand, their swords at the ready.
The Islands of the Japans disappear to be replaced by an island surrounded by Viking ships. A long table bursting with a feast is surrounded by Viking warriors gorging themselves while striking out at their neighbors.
The next land mass shows the burnt ruins of an Islamic Mosque, with its dome partially caved in. Saracens work along-side Tempers to shore up the defenses.
Next, a massive golden Buddha rises above the vista. The only blemish is the soot-colored cheeks that come from the burnt ruins at its feet. Monks in yellow and crimson chant together in acceptance of the inevitable.
They pass a perfect replica of both Stonehenge and the Acropolis guarded by English archers and Spartans. A squad of Greeks hammer their short swords against their shields in salute at their passing.
ROB
(awe)
Is this real?
FREDDY
If I see any munchkins, I’m going to lose it.
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David:
The shift from the old scene to the new scene flows much better. I like the last line. Perhaps you might consider similar references to the Wizard of OZ. Like if I see flying monkeys as an example. Could ramp up the level of suspense and mystery with a vivid image.
Appreciate the work you put into this change.
Bob
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I was trying to get the feeling of “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kanzas any more” without quoting that line. It’s been overdone in my oppinion.
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#1 – Ian’s line works – in other words, let someone else have a turn. nice
#2 – great response from Freddy – lightens it up and does what you want it to do.
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Bob Kerr Writing Memorable Lines
What I learned was a technique that provided a breakthrough in my hang-ups with the ending of the script. By taking the last scene, and clarifying the lead characters traits and doing the exercise of brainstorming 10 – 20 times, I landed on a line that really delivers the punch I was looking for .the climax I needed.
Original:
EXT. MURDOCK DOCK- AFTERNOON
As the WSU women dock and exit the boat, a crowd is moving across the bridge to welcome the winning crew. As the WSU varsity 8 men’s crew takes over the boat for their race, the women are jubilant and hugging each other. The Nebraska women’s boat docks and exits as their men take over. While the WSU women are celebrating, the NEBRASKA WOMEN’S CAPTAIN, a 6 foot blond, comes over and surrenders an arm load of Nebraska betting shirts to Fran.
NEBRASKA WOMEN’S CAPTAIN
We’ve never seen anybody launched out of a boat! We thought we had the race won for sure. You rowed one helluva race!
FRAN
First for me too. Really scary cause I can’t swim! Just knew I had to get back in the boat and then row faster and longer than ever before. Besides, first time anybody’s seen us row and we couldn’t disappoint anyone.
The Nebraska captain extends her hand and Fran takes it. They shake hands.
NEBRASKA WOMEN’S CAPTAIN
Congratulations! We’ll see you at the Midwestern Sprints in Wisconsin. It’ll be our turn to collect your bettin’ shirts!
FRAN
We’ll be there and this time I plan on staying in the boat the whole race.
New: Closing dialogue
NEBRASKA WOMEN’S CAPTAIN
Congratulations! We’ll see you at the Midwestern Sprints and it’ll be our turn to win your bettin’ shirts!
FRAN: We’re through taking turns!
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I really like that “take no prisoners” attitude. I think it fits with competitive people.
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I liked how you shortened Fran’s response. It’s a nice, quick exchange that works.
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Deb’s most memorable lines
What I learned: This exercise gave me insight into these specific moments in the script and helped me separate them in precise ways. This was tough because there’s a certain amount of “epic” that you’re trying to reach. I don’t think I’ve shaped anything profound, but I know the lines are better than they were before.
These are just a few of the lines that I revised:
Delia’s first line:
Delia is being picked up by her grandmother to go on a road trip. She’s not looking forward to it.
What I want to deliver: I want Delia to express her unhappiness (in an exaggerated way – which is one of her core character traits) about having to go on this trip.
Before: Mom! Grandma’s here.
After: Mom! Grandma’s here. (aside) Let the torture begin.
Pammy’s first line:
Pammy gets bumped by her husband, Billy, coming through the front door. She’s not expecting him and almost spills her wine.
What I want to deliver: In the subtext that runs through this story, Billy represents a form of God. I want Pammy to address him in this manner.
Before: Billy, what the hell?
After: Good Lord, Billy
Victor’s first line:
Victor, a young man, is interrupted in his work and is astounded to see a pretty young girl, Delia, stumble into his office
What I want to deliver: I want more of his character to come through. One of his core traits is “life of the party”. Also – there is a subtext that Delia feels she’s “in hell”. While he doesn’t know this, exaggerated “Hell-o” gives a bit of irony to the situation.
Before: Hello!
After: Hell-o! If I knew you were coming, I would have baked you a cake.
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Good job Deb. My only suggestion is for the last one, only because the bake a cake thing might be seen as a cliche. If Victor is the party guy and would have some pickup lines, he might say, I must have done something amazing in my past life.
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yes – good point and well taken
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Deb:
Really enjoyed the tight and precise shift in the dialogue. Brings out the subtext and provides for more mystery and uncertainty.
Well done!
Bob Kerr
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LESSON 12
Trish’s Dramatic Scene Transitions
What I learned about doing this assignment is that these transitions are an amazing tool. Playing with them was eye-opening. Watching a movie, I could see them in play out.
BEFORE:
(In the church, Kalfr is enraged. Bested by Olaf at every turn. He orders his two most trusted friends, Thorir and Halek, to:
. KALFR
Go to Denmark immediately, and appeal for an audience with King Canute. Request his aid in re-establishing his rule over Norway as his right and proper kingdom.
Inform him of the treasonous activities and claims that Olaf Sigurdson is making, and the taxes he is collecting. Let him know that many Norwegians are dissatisfied with his claims to be King of all Norway.
Intreat him to come himself or send a competent military leader with a large army to restore his proper position and territory.
THORIR
My Lord, are you fully persuaded that this is the most prudent action to take?
HALEK
At least Olaf is a Norwegian like us. Canute is Danish. Do you truly believe that he will be a better king than Olaf? That he will treat us fairly? That he will be a better King to rule over us than Olaf?
KALFR
Why wouldn’t he be? We are offering him more land, a kingship, and the opportunity to win in battle against the usurper, Olaf? He comes out of this, if he wins, a richer, more powerful man.
THORIR
And what do we get out of it? Prison or death if we lose for sure. . KALFR
Or richer, more powerful, and famous when we win. What say you then?
(While they quietly confer, Kalfr waits patiently. He knows his friends.)
THORIR
We leave immediately.
(They start to move off. Kalfr stops them.)
KALFR
Wait! We will all leave together in case Olaf has set up an ambush for us.
. HALEK
(In an aside to Thorir) That’s not Olaf’s nature. He’s too straightforward and true for such trickery.
(They leave the church. At a whistle they mount up, soldiers falling in two by two. They disappear like ghosts into the dense fog.)
FADE OUT
VISUAL TRANSITION
FADE IN
(Out of the fog, Olaf appears with his men. They are headed for camp not far from the Plain of Sticklestad. Although shrouded in fog he and his men pick it out, one campfire among many, almost by instinct. He throws a leg over his saddle and slips to the ground, weary to the bone.)
OLAF
Well, Harald, that didn’t go well at all, wouldn’t you say?
(Olaf pulls off his gloves one finger at a time and flexes them. A long day.)
HARALD
Kalfr is a snake and a coward. He deserves death. I hope to be the one who crushes him tomorrow.
(Olaf clasps Harald by the shoulder.)
Olaf
That will be my pleasure, Harald. You will have to content yourself with killing someone else…as you will be several rows behind me with Thorensson, Rongald, and Dalkr protecting you.
HARALD
That’s not fair! I want to be by right by your side brother.
OLAF
You can’t be there, Harald. I will need my most able warriors around me if I am to even survive the first wave.
HARALD
But Olaf…
OLAF
(HARSHLY)
Are you a baby that your older brother must watch over you and at the same moment try to hack away at my enemies? To protect you? How long do you think I would live? Minutes? Seconds? Is that what you want? A dead brother so you can step into his shoes and be King yourself?
(Harald is aghast at Olaf’s words. He’s wounded that Olaf might think so poorly of him.)
OLAF
You’re a soldier now. Obey my orders and stop thinking so highly of yourself. Now go to bed.
(Harald leaves the group angry, humiliated, and hurting because of Olaf’s harsh words and because he won’t be in a position to protect Olaf.)
OLAF
(Turns to Thorensson, Rongvald, and Dalkr.)
Your only job tomorrow is to protect Harald. I won’t be able to protect him myself. He’s my youngest brother, most like me. If you do your job well, I will be able to do mine. I would send him home if I could, but I know he wouldn’t go or stay away. If I fall in battle tomorrow, you must save Harald. Kalfr and his men will try to kill him if they can.
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LESSON 14 – MOST MEMORABLE LINE
Trish’s Most Memorable Line
What I learned from doing this assignment is that there is always room for improvement. It appears that in the rewrites new ideas pop up. This was fun.
INT – RECEPTION ROOM – FALAISE CASTLE – NIGHT
Duke Robert raises his glass. He looks around the room at all his guests: friends, family, and enemies.
GUEST 1: Someone whispers, “I hope he makes this a short speech.” A woman’s voice.
GUEST 2: After that fealty pantomime, I cannot see that happening. But at least the food will be hot and plentiful.”
GUEST 1: “Is food all you ever think about, Nigel?”
GUEST 2: “No. I think about mead, and wine too. I dream about them. And women of course.”
GUEST 1: “I think you’ve had enough wine. And you do have a wife.
GUEST 2: “I know.”
ROBERT: “Friends,” the Duke begins, “and family, Archbishop, welcome all to share this feast with us in honor of my only son and heir, William, Duke-to-Be of all my kingdom. I am pleased with all the new nobles who have come to swear fealty to my son… especially if I should happen to die before my time.”
Everyone laughs and raises their glasses high.
ALLAN: Duke Allan III raises his glass and toasts, “Long life to William, the Duke to be…but not too soon we hope.”
Everyone laughs again.
ARTHUR THE MAJOR DOMO: The Duke suspects all the guests have been at the mead before dinner. He looks at his major domo with raised eyebrow, who comes forward as if signaled. He speaks in a low voice to Robert. “Your grace, one of the serving boys is a relative of His Grace, Allan de Balonge, and has poisoned your Grace’s next glass of wine. Shall I imprison the boy?”
ROBERT: Robert casually gazes out at his guests. “By all means do so. Take my glass, Arthur, before he delivers it and make sure Allan has it.” Things might get even more interesting as the night progresses.
NIGEL Viscount CANTENTIN: The next to toast, wineglass in hand, “To Duke Robert and his son and heir upon this, his ninth birthday. May he live a long and prosperous life. So, please, raise your glasses. A toast: long live Duke Robert and his son and heir, William.”
The guests all raise their glasses to the toast.
Duke Robert signals the wine steward to pour more wine. Duke first, and then on his right, William. On his left, Walter, brother of Arlette, William’s mother, now wife of his friend Earl Herluin of Conteville halfway across the room. Then all others wherever they stand. He looks around the room, interspersed with more friends, family, and recent enemies, now sworn vassals, suspiciously. Supposedly loyal now. He took a sip from his new glass of wine. Might as well stir the pot.
ROBERT: “Archbishop Mauger, we haven’t heard from you. Don’t you wish William well as the future Duke?”
ARCHBISHOP MAUGER: The archbishop glares at Robert. He might say that more and more as the night unfolds. Strike where the pain would hurt the most. Separate the wolves out. “To the future Duke of Normandy with all good wishes for his reign by the Grace of God.”
ROBERT: “Well spoke, Archbishop. Speaking of reigns,” Robert spoke casually, “I’ve been thinking of taking a journey to Jerusalem to meet the Pope.” Robert watched as Allan switched his wineglass with that of his wife. The scoundrel.
More wine was needed to loosen more tongues. Robert signals for more wine to be served. His very best vintage in honor of the occasion of his son’s acknowledgement, by his vassals of Will. His chosen heir to inherit the kingdom of Normandy, future now secured.
ALLAN: Allan laughs, and sips his new glass of wine. “Yes. Perhaps you should, now that you’ve conquered most of Normandy. No doubt you have much for which to ask forgiveness.”
ROBERT: Robert paused, then lowers his glass. “No doubt I do, Allan. Almost as much as you have to beg God’s forgiveness for your many sins.” Robert watched Arlette pour something into her wineglass. What could she be up to now?
ALLAN: “Beg, my lord?” questioned Allan. Allan grabs for his wife’s wineglass. “I’m sorry my love, but you’ve had enough wine for the night. He knocks it out of her hands, spilling it. He hands the empty glass to a passing waiter. “See that my wife receives no more wine tonight.
CASSANDRA: “But husband…”
ALLAN: “Cassandra, Cassandra, Cassandra. Hush, like the dutiful wife you are.”
ROBERT: Robert interrupts abruptly, unwilling to see Cassandra further humiliated. “Yes, Allan. Beg…on your knees, if that’s at all possible.”
ALLAN: “Perhaps before the Lord it is, Your Grace.”
ROBERT: “To think that you did Will the honor of bowing before him tonight.” Robert watches Arlette switch glasses of wine, sending her glass over to Allan via the young wine server. The minx.
ARCHBISHOP: “Don’t you think it a bit blasphemous to compare Will to God, Robert?”
ROBERT: “No, Archbishop. As a Duke, as you teach, Will is an agent of God on earth. He deserves as much obeisance as one gives to God himself. Wouldn’t you agree, Alan?”
ALLAN: “Being a Duke myself, I must of course agree. Perhaps thus to only bow before God, then.” Reaching for another glass of wine from the young wine server, Allan clumsily knocks it over.
YOUNG WINE SERVER: “Perhaps a new glass, Your Grace?”
ALLAN: “Of course a new glass, you bumbling idiot.” In a quiet aside, as he pretends to pat at his waistcoat, he whispers, “Five pounds if you give this glass to Duke Robert.” He surreptitiously points to the poisoned with glass, and waits for the servant’s nod, and surreptitiously passes him five pounds and picks out a new wineglass.
ROBERT: “Then you must come with me to Jerusalem before it’s too late. And Nigel must come with us too. And perhaps Roger Montgomery. Let’s all travel down together since we are all so in need of forgiveness.
ALLAN: “It might already be too late, Your Grace.”
ROBERT: “Is it ever too late, Roger Montgomery? What say you?”
ROGER: No, Your Grace.
ROBERT: What better friends could we travel with on a journey of such long duration?”
ROGER: “None other, Your Grace,” Roger mumbles into his wineglass.
ROBERT: “One last glass of wine all around, Arthur, before we eat.” Arthur and the serving boys move among the crowd one more time. Everyone happily accepts more of Robert’s best wine.
ALLAN: Allan muses, “Perhaps we will all come. We shall see what happens before you leave on this journey, Your Grace.”
ROBERT: Robert lifts his final glass of wine, before dinner, the high-lights of the chandelier overhead and the glowing sconces twinkling in it. He raises it to his lips and drains it to the last drop. “Then, to a future journey to bow before God and now a fine meal to be accented with my finest vintage from my own cellars. Can life be any sweeter than this day and this night?”
GUESTS: “No, Your Grace, We wish you and William every felicitation…and we anticipate your dinner with pleasure.” Everyone laughs as they all raise their glasses to Robert and William and drink.
As Robert starts to sit in his chair at the head of the table, he convulses, then crashes into his chair, his glass slipping from his fingers to the floor. Foam begins to pour from his lips. He desperately looks at Will. Will is gaping at his father’s face. Robert reaches out.
The following line is changed to express Will’s terror and to pull the most emotion from the audience that one line can.
WILLIAM
“Papa, papa, papa,” Will screams. He struggles from his chair. Reaching his father, screaming. He drops to his knees, sobbing, “Don’t leave me papa…don’t leave me… don’t leave me.”0
ROBERT: Robert grabs Will’s sleeve and yanks him closer. Spitting foam in Will’s face, Robert speaks wildly, “Run, Will. Run…” Walter suddenly appears and grabs Will. “Hide him…Save him…” Robert is choking on the never ending foam.
The guests are crashing around the room, women shrieking and screaming and grabbing their frightened, wailing children, men scrambling in horror to help them escape, wine and glass tumbling to the floor.
ARLETTE: Arlette runs down the aisle reaching for Walters arm. “Hide him in the forest with the peasants before they kill him. Now, run, the both of you.” Then she turns to Robert, holding him up, trying to wipe the foam away. They have to tear William away from his father, screaming, “Papa papa, papa…!” The Archbishop is running toward Robert to give him his last rites.
One man stands still in the chaos, hands on his son’s shoulders.
Robert looks up, gasping for air as he dies, and looks straight into Allan’s eyes. He watches as Allan turns and walks slowly through the door.
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Douglas E. Hughes – Most Memorable Line
What I learned? Something I already knew, I guess–writing punchlines is hard.
A little setup on the following scene: Jack’s been on a dinner date with Blanche, and the two of them have returned home for a nightcap. Jack pops a couple of Viagra and, just as they’re about to get down to business, Blanche, who’s narcoleptic, falls asleep, and their nemesis–Connor, the man who’s bilked Jack and his friend out of their life savings, appears. Connor offers half of the $10 million in diamonds he’s squirrelled away to Jack and co. in exchange for securing his escape. Jack agrees, Connor disappears, and Blanche wakes up. At the end of this scene, we have the following exchange:
BLANCHE
Well, let’s talk about it in the morning. There’s nothing more we can do tonight.
JACK
Er… there is one pressing matter…
He looks down. She follows his gaze.
BLANCHE
Oh. Oh dear. Well, we’d better do something about that, hand’t we?
They run into their friend Flora in the hallway, with whom they have a brief exchange. As Flora leaves, Blanche gives Jack’s hand a tug and they head off to her room, giggling like a couple of teenagers.
It wasn’t a question of replacing a line here, but adding a couple of lines at the end to give it more of a button. So this is what I’ve come up with:
JACK
Now remember, if this doesn’t wear off in four hours, I’m going to need a doctor.
BLANCHE
If it doesn’t wear off in four hours, you’re going to need an undertaker.
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